woburnite@reddit
an oldie but moldie.
woburnite
The Bishop pays an unexpected visit to one of his young priests.
Posted by Gil-Gandel@reddit | Jokes | View on Reddit | 23 comments
Travelling salesman.
Posted by Alert_Lengthiness812@reddit | Jokes | View on Reddit | 21 comments
woburnite@reddit
Jim did it best -- [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9DwRcioFWM](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9DwRcioFWM)
Police on patrol
Posted by al3x696@reddit | Jokes | View on Reddit | 33 comments
woburnite@reddit
friend of mine who was a cop used to find lovers on lovers lane, tell them to move along, and then ask the guy - "Hey, weren't you here last week with a different girl?"
It's dark in here
Posted by dala07@reddit | Jokes | View on Reddit | 27 comments
woburnite@reddit
both of them got mangled - "Don't start that shit, you're in MY closet now."
Tom Swifties
Posted by Jokeminder42@reddit | Jokes | View on Reddit | 240 comments
woburnite@reddit
"I can't remember what I am supposed to buy at the store," said Tom listlessly.
Tom Swifties
Posted by Jokeminder42@reddit | Jokes | View on Reddit | 240 comments
woburnite@reddit
"I'm missing a book from my bible" Said Tom ruthlessly.
A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly, the woman gathers courage to go ask him out. She walks over, takes a seat next to him, turns and says...
Posted by 808gecko808@reddit | Jokes | View on Reddit | 273 comments
woburnite@reddit
there's a whole song about this. "I used to work in Milwaukee, in a department store...."
What do you call a horse that lives next door?
Posted by vahedemirjian@reddit | Jokes | View on Reddit | 6 comments
woburnite@reddit
straight out of "My Weekly Reader."
The doctor said I only have 24 hours to live.
Posted by standovahim_@reddit | Jokes | View on Reddit | 22 comments
woburnite@reddit
how to mangle a joke.
What do you call a flat wooden structure in a New Zealander's backyard?
Posted by living_abovethestars@reddit | Jokes | View on Reddit | 22 comments
woburnite@reddit
yeah but this is funny - [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-m--3\_c5pAs](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-m--3_c5pAs)
A young boy was at the corner grocery picking out a box of laundry detergent.
Posted by nothinlefttochoose@reddit | Jokes | View on Reddit | 32 comments
woburnite@reddit
RIP dog.
My wife left me for a deaf guy…
Posted by fredinNH@reddit | Jokes | View on Reddit | 28 comments
woburnite@reddit
My wife left me for a tractor salesman. She sent me a John Deere letter.
ULPT request I have someones phone number
Posted by salsashark99@reddit | UnethicalLifeProTips | View on Reddit | 37 comments
woburnite@reddit
I have someone whose number is one digit off from mine. They give my number to insurance, real estate, etc. I spoke to them and they denied it. So I saved them as a contact, and when I get a text for them, I forward it to them.
What do you tell to a woman with two black eyes?
Posted by Dashover@reddit | Jokes | View on Reddit | 7 comments
woburnite@reddit
"Put the gun down, Donna."
Old Joke but classic
Posted by WolfmanSG@reddit | Jokes | View on Reddit | 41 comments
woburnite@reddit
punch line should be "The priest says, "Don't start that shit again, you're in MY closet now." One of my husband's favorite jokes.
What did the nun say after getting dressed?
Posted by Quick_Hide@reddit | Jokes | View on Reddit | 9 comments
woburnite@reddit
A man goes to confession and tells the priest, "Father, I kissed a nun." The priest says, "You are forgiven, just don't get in the habit."
A Boomer wants to get a photo of his late wife photoshopped.
Posted by marycartlizer@reddit | Jokes | View on Reddit | 55 comments
woburnite@reddit
as a boomer, I approve of this joke.
Did you read the new book - “Yellow River”?
Posted by SplitEights@reddit | Jokes | View on Reddit | 41 comments
woburnite@reddit
I didn't know we had third grade boys on Reddit.
Did y’all think Fonzie was cool when you were growing up?
Posted by Groovy-Pancakes@reddit | GenX | View on Reddit | 3527 comments
woburnite@reddit
I may have a dirty mind, but I always wondered if he was sexually active with all his GF's. Cause if he was, what a jezebro. And if he wasn't, what even was going on?
Any advice on how to convince an elderly parent not to drive anymore?
Posted by Solid-Still-7590@reddit | GenX | View on Reddit | 572 comments
woburnite@reddit
Can you hire one of her neighbors to drive her where she needs to go? Or contact the council on aging about rides? I drive for an agency that provides rides to people like this.
Whatever you think she might leave you after she passes, bank accounts, property, etc. can be gone in an instant if she (or her estate) gets sued because of a car wreck she causes. There was a case here a few years ago where a senior drove the wrong way on the highway, hit and killed a young man who had a family. PLEASE take the keys away.
Or maybe disable the car in some way, then get a mechanic to tell her it can't be fixed.
Any advice on how to convince an elderly parent not to drive anymore?
Posted by Solid-Still-7590@reddit | GenX | View on Reddit | 572 comments
woburnite@reddit
or they can re-administer the tests.
ULPT called out of work and said my car broke down. what do i say happened?
Posted by p4infulrem1nd3r@reddit | UnethicalLifeProTips | View on Reddit | 78 comments
woburnite@reddit
Brake hose ruptured, just happened to me and was fixed same day.
On Friday night I biked to the liquor store to get a bottle of whiskey.
Posted by Upstate_Gooner_1972@reddit | Jokes | View on Reddit | 25 comments
woburnite@reddit
He is not drunk who from the floor, can rise again and drink some more.
But he IS drunk who prostrate lies, and can not drink, and can not rise.
Lawyer Smith was in his office one day.
Posted by Boot_Effective@reddit | Jokes | View on Reddit | 78 comments
woburnite@reddit
why do they bury lawyers 12 feet deep?
Because deep down, they're really nice guys.
A young man moves from a rural are to a big city. He goes into an upscale men's store to apply for a job
Posted by GaryG7@reddit | Jokes | View on Reddit | 151 comments
woburnite@reddit
nobody's gonna bring up the joke about the chihuahua?
ULPT: Make hotels treat you like a valued regular even when it is your firs
Posted by frostysundaebird@reddit | UnethicalLifeProTips | View on Reddit | 251 comments
woburnite@reddit
I got a TripAdvisor luggage tag and I think it helps. Of course it is also good to be nice. One stay, I was meant to have a wake-up call that never came through. When I mentioned it (nicely) at check out, they gave me some coupons for Subway. The flies.... the honey... the vinegar...
A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.
Posted by Spadizzly@reddit | Jokes | View on Reddit | 50 comments
woburnite@reddit
punchline should be, "she said, for that kind of money, she'd rather remodel the kitchen."
ULPT Request: medium size metal dumpster pickup in the middle of the night
Posted by StxtoAustin@reddit | UnethicalLifeProTips | View on Reddit | 66 comments
woburnite@reddit
I have the same problem where I live. Called the garbage company, the trucks work around the clock.
ULPT Request
Posted by gregaims@reddit | UnethicalLifeProTips | View on Reddit | 179 comments
woburnite@reddit
this happened to my spouse after we moved from the city to the country. He told them his apartment had been broken into a couple of times, his father had been held up at gunpoint as a cab driver a few times, etc. The court was shocked at the level of crime he had experienced!
ULPT Request
Posted by gregaims@reddit | UnethicalLifeProTips | View on Reddit | 179 comments
woburnite@reddit
I haven't had to use this yet, but this is what I would do. Tell them, I feel the system is biased against the accused. The prosecution can offer other criminals all kinds of favors for their testimony against the accused; the defense can not do anything remotely similar.
ULPT: I´m looking to get back at someone in an inconvenience kind of way
Posted by Argentina98@reddit | UnethicalLifeProTips | View on Reddit | 22 comments
woburnite@reddit
If it's a significant amount (let's say $100) send them a text or email saying "When are you going to pay back the $200 I loaned you?" There's a chance they will reply saying "It was only $100" and boom, they just admitted it. Take them to small claims court.
ULPT Request: How do I sneak jam and hot sauce past TSA security?
Posted by DarkMage448@reddit | UnethicalLifeProTips | View on Reddit | 27 comments
woburnite@reddit
be sure to let them know what is in it. There are rules about shipping liquids.
ULPT Request: How to mess with a car without opening the doors or hood?
Posted by MarpyHarpy@reddit | UnethicalLifeProTips | View on Reddit | 424 comments
woburnite@reddit
then it goes flat immediately and is easily fixed.
ULPT Request: How to mess with a car without opening the doors or hood?
Posted by MarpyHarpy@reddit | UnethicalLifeProTips | View on Reddit | 424 comments
woburnite@reddit
take off a valve stem cap, put in a tiny pebble or BB, put it back on. Causes a slow leak.
ULPT: Cruelest thing you can say to another human
Posted by LadyAuroraC@reddit | UnethicalLifeProTips | View on Reddit | 109 comments
woburnite@reddit
also try "your parents paid extra for you to learn English and this is how you use it? They must be ashamed of you."
ULPT — Need help with nosy neighbour listening to our conversations
Posted by shabading579@reddit | UnethicalLifeProTips | View on Reddit | 10 comments
woburnite@reddit
I believe a white noise machine next to the camera would give you privacy for your conversation.
ULPT — Need help with nosy neighbour listening to our conversations
Posted by shabading579@reddit | UnethicalLifeProTips | View on Reddit | 10 comments
woburnite@reddit
hours-long YT videos of other annoying things - yodeling, ohnonono cat, trololo song, "toad sings".....
A man is visiting his aunt in the nursing home.
Posted by igor33@reddit | Jokes | View on Reddit | 8 comments
woburnite@reddit
Benny Hill did this one.
ULPT wanted -person keeps using my phone number
Posted by woburnite@reddit | UnethicalLifeProTips | View on Reddit | 40 comments
woburnite@reddit (OP)
it's been going on for years.
ULPT: Tip For Holloween: put empty bowl at the door with a note saying 'Take as many as you want'
Posted by GaseousEmission@reddit | UnethicalLifeProTips | View on Reddit | 68 comments
woburnite@reddit
agree, I am old enough that I did roam the neighborhood, unsupervised.
ULPT: Tip For Holloween: put empty bowl at the door with a note saying 'Take as many as you want'
Posted by GaseousEmission@reddit | UnethicalLifeProTips | View on Reddit | 68 comments
woburnite@reddit
it's a lot easier for the parents and kids to go to one or two supervised places, rather than have them roaming around the neighborhood.
ULPT wanted -person keeps using my phone number
Posted by woburnite@reddit | UnethicalLifeProTips | View on Reddit | 40 comments
woburnite@reddit (OP)
unfortunately it won't stop Shannon from giving out my number.
ULPT: Tip For Holloween: put empty bowl at the door with a note saying 'Take as many as you want'
Posted by GaseousEmission@reddit | UnethicalLifeProTips | View on Reddit | 68 comments
woburnite@reddit
I moved and was looking forward to more kids coming by, it's a compact, walkable neighborhood. NOTHING. Not one kid. I'm sad because it's my favorite holiday.
ULPT Request: Random car that parks in my designated space
Posted by RubsterF@reddit | UnethicalLifeProTips | View on Reddit | 177 comments
woburnite@reddit
Boston University used to use those. RIght on the driver's side window. Very effective in the winter as you'd have to drive around with the window down until you could get it off.
ULPT: help me ruin the business of a tour guide who stops in front of my house
Posted by Annieinjammies@reddit | UnethicalLifeProTips | View on Reddit | 166 comments
woburnite@reddit
"he tells absolute lies to entertain people and get more tips. He creates total falsehoods that misrepresent my neighborhood and neighbors," - get a loudspeaker and play a recording of Maury saying "That is a LIE" after every comment.
Chad is working at his first job as a bag boy at a supermarket.
Posted by theFoot58@reddit | Jokes | View on Reddit | 26 comments
woburnite@reddit
supposed to be "itchy coochie."
There was once an old man whose family couldn’t take care of him any longer.
Posted by Any_Contribution_238@reddit | Jokes | View on Reddit | 21 comments
woburnite@reddit
Benny Hill did this one.
A 15 yo boy comes home with a Porsche
Posted by Strong_Prize8778@reddit | Jokes | View on Reddit | 29 comments
woburnite@reddit
but an old one. You youngsters....
A night at the comedy club
Posted by Civil-Insurance8668@reddit | Jokes | View on Reddit | 3 comments
woburnite@reddit
it's supposed to be a strip club. Why would she be mad if he went to a comedy club?
cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known lover’s spot, famous for all obscene activities. he sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.
Posted by elhermanobrother@reddit | Jokes | View on Reddit | 135 comments
woburnite@reddit
Had a friend who was a retired cop. When he and his partner caught a couple on Lovers Lane, they would let them go with a warning. But as they walked back to the car, one would say, "Didn't we just see him up here the other night?" and the partner would answer, "Yeah, but with a different girl."