Tom Swifties
Posted by Jokeminder42@reddit | Jokes | View on Reddit | 229 comments
"There must be a power outage," said Tom delightedly.
"I will now demonstrate how to dissect a sheep," delivered Tom.
"The censors took all the dirty bits out of my show," said Tom deludedly.
"Don't let me drown in Egypt!" pleaded Tom, deep in denial.
"Let me improvise this part," said Tom descriptively.
"Congratulations; you graduated," said Tom diplomatically.
"I was removed from office," said Tom disappointedly.
"That certainly took the wind out of my sails!" said Tom disgustedly.
"I have to wear this cast for another six weeks," said Tom disjointedly.
"Dat's de end of April," said Tom in dismay.
Kroliczek_i_myszka@reddit
'Henry VII was a bit fat', said Tom unthinkingly
reishare@reddit
"Don't talk about his uncle's fat wife either," Tom said ignorantly.
Kroliczek_i_myszka@reddit
Oh nice! Never heard that one before
hilarymeggin@reddit
This took me a minute!
reishare@reddit
"Ossobuco again?" Tom asked revealingly.
Frido1976@reddit
Let me try one, that one where there was an upcoming storm, Tom said calmly even when people hurriedly passed him quietly.
reishare@reddit
"I had to leave because of the atmosphere," Tom explained mercurially.
Dismal-Common8629@reddit
I’m so dumb, Tom said stupidly.
reishare@reddit
"You're as dumb as a bag of hammers," Tom said idiotically.
"You meant idiom."
"Yes, you are," said Tom, nailing it.
JimDixon@reddit
"Wherefor art thou Romeo?" asked Tom dramatically.
reishare@reddit
"I love Shakespeare," declared Tom willfully.
MSB218@reddit
“Allow me to quote my former wife,” Tom said excitedly.
reishare@reddit
"I too quote this guy's ex-wife," Tom deadpanned.
deadlyduck1968@reddit
"It's the one on the left", sighed Tom
reishare@reddit
"I see two on the left," observed Tom rightly.
deadlyduck1968@reddit
"You need your glasses on", said Tom, sharply. 🙂
ekinodum@reddit
I don't like raw pork, Tom insisted
reishare@reddit
"Raw pork won't hurt you as long as you soak it in lye first," Tom said caustically.
hilarymeggin@reddit
Explain?
D_Alex@reddit
Be careful what you wish for.
dennyitlo@reddit
"Orgasms are overrated," said Tom anticlimactically.
Y_I_Otto@reddit
"This weather is the worst," said Tom anticlimatically.
wakeupagainman@reddit
"Global warming is a fraud!" said Tom anticlimatically
Zorothegallade@reddit
"I alwayt turn off movies before the big action scene" said Tom anticlimactically.
Perenially_behind@reddit
That wasn't in the joke book I bought in 4th grade. In the 60s.
Select-Touch-6794@reddit
oh dear
Zorothegallade@reddit
"I don't think these are pancakes" waffled Tom.
reishare@reddit
"The secret is when you turn them," replied Tom flippantly.
Happytobehere66@reddit
"If you knew your Bible you would not forget which book follows Joshua!" Tom said judgingly.
reishare@reddit
"I prefer the New Covenant," Tom said promisingly.
___HeyGFY___@reddit
"No, I didn't push her out of the car," Tom said ruthlessly.
"I'm not telling her I'm sorry," Tom said unapologetically.
"I think I ate too much pineapple," Tom said dolefully.
nixcamic@reddit
That second one is just.... How language usually works?
___HeyGFY___@reddit
I'm getting to the end of a 13 hour workday. So yeah, I'll admit the second one is weak.
reishare@reddit
"I've worked 40 hours," Tom said weakly.
MaryLMarx@reddit
Yeah I think we need something more like “one of my books of Plato is missing” Tom said unapologetically.
reishare@reddit
"My Socrates is missing!" Tom said methodically.
keestie@reddit
At least the last one is good.
WhyDidIClickOnThat@reddit
“I’m coming!” Tom ejaculated.
skanktastik@reddit
That's economy right there.
reishare@reddit
"Short," said Tom briefly.
Scrapper-Mom@reddit
"Where's my button?" snapped Tom.
reishare@reddit
" I love how the paint goes everywhere!" Tom gushed.
Boatbuilder_62@reddit
“I don’t know why I feel depressed every winter”, said Tom, sadly.
reishare@reddit
"The seasons don't bother me a bit," said Tom disaffectedly.
DarthMummSkeletor@reddit
"I'll have the knishes, kugel, and some kishke," Tom said judiciously.
reishare@reddit
"I like them cooked with parsley, rosemary, and thyme," Tom said sagely.
ThimbleBluff@reddit
“A Jedi you will be, Luke,” Yoda said forcefully.
reishare@reddit
"Lose some to Tom, you will," Yoda said winsomely.
Funny_Beyond_7794@reddit
“I prefer subscribing to magazines,” Tom said periodically.
reishare@reddit
After a long pause, Tom finally said, "I like canceling them."
Boatbuilder_62@reddit
“Is my tailpipe rusted again?” Asked Tom, exhaustedly
reishare@reddit
"Your problems are wheel," said Tom tiredly.
SnipTheDog@reddit
"Her hair is a mess", Tom snarled.
reishare@reddit
"It's just kinky," Tom said teasingly.
poliphilo@reddit
“…So I moved to Scandinavia,” Tom finished.
reishare@reddit
"...Where I will raise Tom Tomasson," Tom said apparently.
Common_Chester@reddit
My bouquet is missing a flower! said Tom lackadaisically.
reishare@reddit
"And it's dry," Tom added fluidly.
RoburLC@reddit
I can't tell if she loves me or not, said Tom lackadaisically.
hilarymeggin@reddit
Beautiful!
IdentityToken@reddit
“I think it’s the bulb,” said Tom delightedly.
reishare@reddit
"How many guys named Joseph King does it take to change a light bulb?" Tom asked jokingly.
TheActualJonesy@reddit
“My power went out,” Tom said darkly.
babbyblarb@reddit
“Each side of my house faces onto a separate patch of grass”, said Tom forlornly.
hilarymeggin@reddit
British accent helps
babbyblarb@reddit
Indeed. A googly doogly.
reishare@reddit
On this side live the bunnies, explained Tom, facing Easterly.
Grandpa87@reddit
"Women are overrated" said Tom gayley
JimDixon@reddit
*gaily
reishare@reddit
"Call the spelling police," said Tom forcefully.
ThatWeirdPlantGuy@reddit
“My old hearts not gonna last much longer,” she murmured.
reishare@reddit
Tom told me you won't die until much later, Dee fibbed.
reishare@reddit
What's with age-cohort labels like Gen X and Z? Next there'll be Gen PQ! said Tom generously.
Spaceyspyce@reddit
"2, 4, 6, 8, 10, 12," Tom said evenly.
Seebekaayi@reddit
1,3,5,7,9 he said oddly.
reishare@reddit
These are both going in the wrong direction, Tom said negatively.
Archarchery@reddit
“My pencil broke,” said Tom pointlessly.
reishare@reddit
Pointlessness is up, explained Tom graphically.
Jammasterjr@reddit
"Call the plumber!" piped Tom.
Beginning_Holiday_66@reddit
"I'll use the vacuum to unclog the drain" Tom said succinctly.
reishare@reddit
What a waste, Tom vented.
ineptech@reddit
"It was pretty easy, I used a template from a legal aid website," said Tom of his own free will.
reishare@reddit
There is no free will, said Tom determinedly.
evermica@reddit
This is the only one that made me laugh out loud.
ineptech@reddit
Thank you, I was proud of that one. Try this one:
"Darling, before we go any further I think you should know that the men of my village are all born with, er, a little something extra," Tom said tribally.
and if that one is too highbrow, there's
"I'm telling Lee!" said Tom tellingly.
NarwhalDisastrous@reddit
I must touch these five womens’ breasts, Tom said tentatively
reishare@reddit
I'm just checking for milk, Tom said lecherously.
Y_I_Otto@reddit
"I'm freefalling," said Tom pettily.
Kroliczek_i_myszka@reddit
Can someone explain this one to a dumbass?
MaryLMarx@reddit
Free Falling is a Tom Petty song.
reishare@reddit
The meaning depends on where you're from, Tom Petty said gainfully.
Y_I_Otto@reddit
Here you go, young one. https://youtu.be/1lWJXDG2i0A
0_phuk@reddit
En garde! Tom said pointedly
reishare@reddit
Then I hit him with my mace, Tom said bashfully.
CoolBev@reddit
“Umph, umph, umph,” said Tom triumphantly. My uncle had a TR4, and my father would say this every time it was mentioned.
Cryovenom@reddit
I get the joke but what's the connection to the TR4?
"I must be dense" sighed Cryovenom heavily
CoolBev@reddit
TR4 is a Triumph sports car.
Cryovenom@reddit
facepalm Shit, I really am dense.
reishare@reddit
Holy Shit, said Tom oxymoronically.
travellering@reddit
If you're dense enough, others will find you attractive - Tom, in his amassed works of astrophysics.
bennetthaselton@reddit
“My sword has blood on it,” Captain Hook deadpanned.
HopefulPlantain5475@reddit
Deadrufioed*
reishare@reddit
"Dead? Of course he's dead. Why, he's missing an aorta!" Tom said a little too light-heartedly for the occasion.
mruncreativ3@reddit
Underrated comment
hilarymeggin@reddit
If only I were smart enough to get it
Gincairn@reddit
In the film Hook, starring Robin Williams, Hook kills the character Rufio who took up leading the lost boys when Peter Pan left Neverland
hilarymeggin@reddit
OHHHHH your comment helped me get the original one! I thought I got it before, but I didn’t appreciate the PAN in deadpan was for Peter Pan.
D_Alex@reddit
"You must be dense", said Tom, heavily.
I don't get it either...
strand3dyoungst3r@reddit
This gin is alcohol-free, noted Tom dispiritedly
reishare@reddit
And the heroin is fake, said Tom in a similar vein.
Gil-Gandel@reddit
"This must be the way in," Tom said, entranced.
"Get to the back of the boat," Tom said sternly.
Kathucka@reddit
Drop. Your. Sword…said Tom disarmingly.
we_toucans_share@reddit
"These are so bad, I want to end it all," Sue sighed.
BelacRLJ@reddit
“That’s gross,” Tom said 144 times.
“I love skydiving,” Tom explained.
dickbutt_md@reddit
"We haven't done that since we were married," Tom expounded.
BelacRLJ@reddit
“Yes, we are divorced, I just haven’t moved out yet,” Tom exclaimed.
dickbutt_md@reddit
"I thought that only happened IN prison," Tom expounded.
ydnar3000@reddit
That first one took too long haha
Objective-Ganache114@reddit
I’ve been having trouble with my power saw, Tom said offhandedly
Paleodraco@reddit
I get the joke (took me a minute). But why Swifties?
Jokeminder42@reddit (OP)
The Tom Swift books themselves were loaded with adverbially clauses. They were not as ridiculous as these. (But they were close.)
elephvant@reddit
I think it's supposed to be Swiftlies - coming from the original version being something along the lines of: I'm running the 100 metres, said Tom swiftly.
checker280@reddit
Tom Swift was an old literary character. I always assumed it had to do with him
skanktastik@reddit
Swift has sailed into his rest;
Savage indignation there
cannot lacerate his breast.
Imitate him if you dare
World-besotted traveler; he
served human liberty
TheActualJonesy@reddit
"hmmm. That's odd.", said Tom evenly.
Plus-King5266@reddit
Siiiiiigh. Tom Swifties are a lost art from the ‘70s. You don’t use Tom in the phrase.
“Who turned out the lights?”, he said darkly.
They eventually morphed into Dad jokes.
plusFour-minusSeven@reddit
"I dropped my toothpaste!", said Tom, crestfallen.
skanktastik@reddit
"I dropped my other toothpaste, too!", said Tom, aimlessly.
mvandemar@reddit
Until I read this I didn't get a single one of OPs jokes, saw this and went back and reread them all. Thank you. :)
Stekor-Tidder@reddit
Explain!
atomicsnarl@reddit
Crest is a popular brand of toothpaste around here. (USA)
Apprehensive-Draw409@reddit
Lol. This really beats all the other ones.
plusFour-minusSeven@reddit
I stole it, but can't remember where. For some reason it tickled me when I read it.
And now the circle of life continues!
headlesssamurai@reddit
"My garden bench broke!" said Tom outstandingly
skanktastik@reddit
"I'm a social media creator", said Tom contentedly.
Civil-Needleworker-8@reddit
" I lost all my apples and oranges," Tom said, fruitlessly
joeinsyracuse@reddit
“My bicycle wheel is melting,” Tom spoke softly.
LeewayLabs@reddit
Can someone explain this to me? Thank you!
ElectricPaladin@reddit
The adverb is entertaingly apt, often in a punny way.
Happytobehere66@reddit
...he said punctually.
dekte@reddit
What about, “there must be a power outage,” said Tom without delight. Or does it have to be an adverb?
czardmitri@reddit
“Smooth move,” said Tom swiftly.
Sarcasticsuperhero17@reddit
“My arm was severed at the wrist,” said Tom off-handedly.
arothmanmusic@reddit
"And two of my atria," he said halfheartedly.
D_Alex@reddit
"I lost my eye too, but it could be worse" said Tom, optimistically.
ArtRevolutionary3929@reddit
"And my legs at the ankles," he added defeatedly.
HikeRobCT@reddit
“Ow, my balls,” said Tom in his testimony.
JoustingNaked@reddit
Okay, since nobody else will say it…
“Is this sodomy?” he asked, half in Ernest.
not-just-yeti@reddit
And the taking-it-too-far >!”Now it’s necrophiliac sodomy” said Tom in dead earnest.!<“
c-a-james@reddit
“I’m an indecisive homosexual necrophiliac,” said Tom, half in dead earnest.
keestie@reddit
XD
Ok-Goose6242@reddit
I don't get 3, can someone explain?
Gincairn@reddit
Play on the word lewd, censoring him would be de-lewding him (had to think about that one myself)
Ok-Goose6242@reddit
Thx
hilarymeggin@reddit
“We didn’t inhale,” the Clintons declared jointly.
woburnite@reddit
"I'm missing a book from my bible" Said Tom ruthlessly.
hilarymeggin@reddit
BA HA!
J-man300@reddit
“I like to sleep on a camping trip”, said Tom intently.
evermica@reddit
“I love camping,” said Tom, intently.
mandiblesmooch@reddit
"I'm done being mayor, the town council forced me into autocannibalism!" said Tom, throwing up his hands in resignation.
arothmanmusic@reddit
Levels.
Jokeminder42@reddit (OP)
This is excellent. Thanks!
ThimbleBluff@reddit
“I think we should hire Heidi as a model,” Tom said Klumsily.
“What’s another name for a puffin bird?” Tom asked awkwardly.
“Whitewater rafting is fun!” Tom said rapidly.
“I’m dressing up as a nun,” Tom says habitually.
“I love Rudolph!” Tom said endearingly.
“Evergreen trees are astonishing!” Tom opined.
“I wonder where artists get their inspiration from,” Tom mused.
microtherion@reddit
“What a bloody mess!” said Tom, periodically.
AJSStormer@reddit
“They’ve removed all the magazines,” Tom said periodically.
Different_Path_1997@reddit
First I’m getting my own food, said Tom self-servingly
Do you think you are capable of taking the prisoner downstairs? asked Tom condescendingly
LabAny3059@reddit
'I'm coming!' Tom ejaculated. If anyone is familiar with the Doc Savage books there were frequent instances where 'ejaculated' was used to describe a sudden vocal outburt. I was about 14 yrs old or so and sitting at the dinner table when I asked my mother what 'ejaculated' meant.
no_understanding1987@reddit
As a new finder of Doc Savage, my father passed recently, and left his entire (complete) collection of Doc Savage to my then four month old son, proclaiming that they would be wonderful adventure books for a boy about age ten. So I read into a few. I was very surprised by some of the vocabulary, but I overall agree with him that my son will enjoy them in a few more years.
DriftlessDairy@reddit
Sherlock Holmes used this expression quite often.
DriftlessDairy@reddit
I've never had sex with a barnyard animal, said Tom sheepishly.
I'm dying, Tom croaked.
plusFour-minusSeven@reddit
That second one is glorious!
DriftlessDairy@reddit
That's an original, from when I was about 12 years old.
Boatbuilder_62@reddit
“I like hotdogs”, said Tom, frankly.
TyrconnellFL@reddit
“I’m no mere amateur!” Tom proclaimed.
AndyAkeko@reddit
"I'll have to grade these test papers all over again," Tom remarked.
Ishpeming_Native@reddit
"Don't pet the crocodiles," Tom said off-handedly.
"I'm passing out," Tom said faintly.
Boatbuilder_62@reddit
“I love the Kentucky Derby”, said Tom hoarsely.
Awkward_Pangolin3254@reddit
'my keyboard is broken,' Tom said shiftlessly.
neurohero@reddit
"Weshouldseeotherpeople," said Tom, needing space.
MaryLMarx@reddit
He can have MySpace!
GrumpyCatStevens@reddit
“We’ll have to amputate at the shoulder,” said Tom disarmingly.
Boatbuilder_62@reddit
“Take the next left turn!” said Tom, directly.
Boatbuilder_62@reddit
“Algebra is pretty straightforward” said Tom, formulaically.
Boatbuilder_62@reddit
“I really like wearing my military outfit” said Tom, uniformly.
Boatbuilder_62@reddit
The transplant was OK said Tom half-heartedly.
FrankMiner2949er@reddit
"Well I guess I got caught stealing in Saudi Arabia." said Tom offhandedly
bplurt@reddit
"Thanks, I've had enough vegetables", Tom said peacefully.
FetchThePenguins@reddit
"All the music I wrote is being destroyed now I'm dead!" said Tom, decomposing.
atomicsnarl@reddit
"St - Stop!" he said, haltingly.
Pythia007@reddit
“I have given this very small insect a name” said Tom adamantly
dachjaw@reddit
“Let’s get these Scouts out of the rain,” Tom said intently.
dae_giovanni@reddit
"jesus christ, is AOL down again?", Tom asked aimlessly.
RolandDeepson@reddit
Now that is a deep cut.
dae_giovanni@reddit
right??? hahaha
gadget850@reddit
Someone read Boys’ Life.
jamesianm@reddit
"I could be the leader of the Transformers," Tom said optimistically
Malalang@reddit
"Hi, I'm here as a walk-in" Tom said unreservedly.
PeppermintBiscuit@reddit
"I just bit the inside of my mouth," said Tom cheekily
Unhappy_Mountain9032@reddit
"This weighs next to nothing.", Tom announced.
Simbuk@reddit
“I’m changing your grade” the teacher remarked.
porkchop_d_clown@reddit
“I’ll never taunt a lion again,” Tom said off-handedly.
SpaceBug176@reddit
I didn't get it
boethius61@reddit
The adjective used to describe how Tom said the phrase, is recursive to the phrase.
"I love thetheatre" said Tom dramatically.
SpaceBug176@reddit
Aaah, yeah, I get it now. And "denial" is referring to the nile river.
DarthMarasmus@reddit
"I'm not sure I like sodomy," said Tom, half in earnest.
mruncreativ3@reddit
"Watch me milk this cow," Tom uttered.
"This is my impression of a canine!" Tom barked.
"I can hold this wheel together," Tom spoke.
elephvant@reddit
Someone's stolen my model of the Titanic, Tom said recklessly.
UjustMe-4769@reddit
Here’s another dozen American Beauty’s, Tom said morosely.
WildTurkey5508@reddit
"The fish cut my line!" Tom said, without debate.
HR_Duff_N_Stuff@reddit
‘There’s a story to how I got this hook’ said Tom off-handedly.
HiddenStoat@reddit
"They've removed all the references to my thesis." said Tom, excitedly.
pinotJD@reddit
I haven’t had coffee yet this morning, Tom said bitterly. Can some explain the congrats - graduation - diplomatically one?
Jokeminder42@reddit (OP)
The graduate got a diploma?
pinotJD@reddit
Oof. I feel all the dumbs. So clever, OP!!!
gregonion@reddit
“Needs another comma before the last adverb,” said Tom, grammatically.
cloudytimes159@reddit
Nice to resurrect this but these are weirdly bad examples.
Crestfallen, that is a good one.
JohnnyABC123abc@reddit
I'd say they're just different from the usual set-up. Not bad. Quite clever really.
Srikandi715@reddit
The one about the sheep makes no sense at all.
whitedawg@reddit
“The prisoner is escaping down the stairs!” Tom said condescendingly.
United_Zoroastrians@reddit
There is a lions butt hanging on the wall Said Tom, it’s a catastrophe!
woburnite@reddit
"I can't remember what I am supposed to buy at the store," said Tom listlessly.
GreatKingRat666@reddit
"A weight has been lifted off my shoulders", said Tom depressed
Buckabuckaw@reddit
"It looks like I'm the only one capable of escorting this prisoner downstairs", said Tom condescendingly.
Armamore@reddit
"There isn't a hill in sight" Tom said flatly
JimDixon@reddit
"The wind has finally died down," said Tom disgustedly.
Shto_Delat@reddit
‘I’m fond of cross dressing.’ said Tom in distress.
JimDixon@reddit
"That's the last we'll see of Dr. Frankenstein's creature," said Tom, demonstratively.
slimeslug@reddit
"I love racist jokes," Tom sn**ed.
tftdguru@reddit
Haven't seen or heard Tom Swifties in ages. Thanks.