A man calls home.

Posted by nothinlefttochoose@reddit | Jokes | View on Reddit | 43 comments

The maid answers phone. He says, "Can I speak to my wife?" She says, "No, she's upstairs in bed with her boyfriend." Angry he says, "Ok, go to the hall closet and take out my shotgun. Go upstairs and kill them both." Being the loyal maid, she says, "Ok." 5 minutes later she picks up the phone and says, "Ok, they're both dead. What should I do with the bodies?" He says, "Throw them in the pool, and I'll take care of them when I get home." She says, "We don't have a pool." He asks, "Is this 555-1234?"

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43 Comments

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Embarrassed_Use299@reddit

Shes no maid. Shes the new wife.

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jarheadatheart@reddit

I don’t know if you could’ve ruined this joke more?

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Char0M0kwena@reddit

The mistake makes the joke, otherwise it is just a murder story.

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jarheadatheart@reddit

They definitely murdered this joke.

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madetchais@reddit

The maid is way too loyal if she kills people without checking the address first.

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Historical-Mud5845@reddit

Isn't this the same old joke but it's a maid instead of the daughter

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MtPollux@reddit

The joke is so old, the daughter grew up and started working as a maid.

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prindacerk@reddit

Maybe they just watched The Housemaid?

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United_Show518@reddit

A friend bought a safe at an auction. He wanted to see what the inside looked like. He asked the grandson to open it so he could see what it looked like. The arrogant grandson said “The only way you will get the combination a see what’s inside is if you buy it!” So my friend bought it. Then with the combination in hand, opened it. To the grandson’s horror there were three buckets full of old coins. He started to reach in and my friend slammed the door, spun the handle, put the numbers in his shirt pocket and looked at the grandson and said, “ I bet you now wish you had opened it!” He immediately loaded it up and hauled it home. Lots of Wheat pennies, Mercury dimes, quarters, half dollars and a few silver dollars. It took him an entire winter categorizing, organizing, and valuing them. Several thousands “earned” for a $500 safe. Kharma can be swift.

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benes238@reddit

I mean she's still cheating on someone ... Just not on you.

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Icy_Introduction8445@reddit

I refuse to believe that he called the wrong number and that person also had a shotgun in his hall closet. But funny joke though. I laughed out loud.

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mokicoo@reddit

It’s Texas. Everyone has a shotgun in the hall closet

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zhawadya@reddit

That's all for questions from me then, cheers.

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Illustrious_You_6210@reddit

In Texas, the houses come with shotguns pre-installed. Like light fixtures and central AC.

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mokicoo@reddit

And a gun safe in the closet. Mostly because it was too heavy for the last owners to move

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imused2it@reddit

Realest shit ever. My FiL got a big ass one installed in his basement. I told him if he ever moves he better not think I’m helping move that bitch.

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mokicoo@reddit

Once sold a safe (when I worked at the gun bar in a sporting goods store) to a guy who got it home but had damaged it in transport. He wanted us to come pick it up. Lmao He called every day for a week until he gave up.

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imused2it@reddit

That’s why you better know what you’re doing or pay someone who does to move those. I had to move one that held 6 long guns I think and that was a bitch. You get up any higher than that and you probably need professional equipment to move it.

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BusinessCell6462@reddit

Pro equipment really helps. I’ve moved a forty gun safe down a flight of stairs by my self using a stair climbing dolly…easy. Boss made a good bit on that job, but the dolly cost $4,000…

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imused2it@reddit

Even with that dolly you must’ve been sweating bullets(pun intended). That’s no small feat by yourself.

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Dr_Adequate@reddit

I inherited one many years ago, then moved to a house with a basement. It took three people to get it safely down an outside stair and into the basement. When I ever leave it's staying.

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LordBrixton@reddit

I live in the UK and our current house had a gun safe fixed to the wall inside one of the wardrobes. Managed to rip one of my favourite pairs of jeans getting it unbolted. Those things are dangerous even without a gun inside.

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Jock-amo@reddit

In New Orleans we have shotgun houses! Don’t have time to link, but do an internet search.

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Fog_Mantis66@reddit

Probably 2 or 3. A couple of long guns suitable for everything from whistle pigs to grizzlies. An AK47. An M16. Another M16 all kitted out. And we haven’t even touched on the handguns, the black powder guns, or the collection of fine antiques, presentation pieces, and awards. This is based on the assumption that we’re talking about Texas, and the owner in question is relatively new to the hobby. So he hasn’t really gotten serious about getting all the pieces he’s always wanted.

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AlphaChewtoy@reddit

Can confirm. Grabbing a light jacket and reloading as we speak.

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mokicoo@reddit

I mean, a dark jacket works just as well but you do you

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Winkered@reddit

Or one of those in the headboard.

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ReadinWhatever@reddit

A shotgun in the hall closet, and a pool.

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spy_tater@reddit

And a maid, and a wife that can stay home.

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mokicoo@reddit

And crippling debt

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Careflwhatyouwish4@reddit

Exactly. 🤷

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Icy_Introduction8445@reddit

Oh ok didn’t realize that.

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nothinlefttochoose@reddit (OP)

Nowadays, I refuse to believe that anyone can afford to have a maid🤣

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xiginous@reddit

1% can.

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Icy_Introduction8445@reddit

Yeah I was going to mention that too like how many people actually have a maid?

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Careflwhatyouwish4@reddit

Doesn't really matter. If it's in Texas and they have a maid, they WILL have the shotgun. If it's oil country Texas they likely have a maid. 🤷

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Icy_Introduction8445@reddit

Oh ok cool.

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QuentinMagician@reddit

A shotgun and a maid is a very small venn diagram.

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ponyboy3@reddit

If they do have a main, can she afford to lose her job?

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Jonathan_Peachum@reddit

I have heard this joke with a different set-up: fellow calls home, asks to speak to "Mommy" and little kid with still babyish voice (so not necessarily easy to distinguish from other kids) says "she is upstairs in the bedroom with the mailman" or something like that. Fellow tells kid to run upstairs and open the bedroom door. Man in bed jumps up and leaps out the window. Kid returns to the phone and says the mailman jumped out the window and into the pool. Rest of joke follows the same line.

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