ItsNotMyThrow

I appreciate your words and I think having lived inside something similar, I maybe get where you're coming from in a way others here sharing similar stories have also expressed. I think understanding reasons but not looking for excuses, as you've said, will help you move forward. Your honesty and openness will help too, I hope you have at least a few people in your life you can be this open with. Talking this out with people you trust is important. Although I've been hurt by my circumstances, I've tried to remain on amicable terms with my ex-wife out of respect for our long and happy relationship prior to our losses and struggles. I'm not sure where she landed with me - sometimes I see what you've indicated about it not changing respect etc but at other times the weight of being "the cheater" has seemingly morphed her into more defensive and hurtful actions and words, even though that weight/guilt has largely come from within herself and I have never brought it up or offered (or been asked) my views since we separated. I haven't had a chance to read the whole thread so perhaps you've indicated this elsewhere, but I hope you have or consider therapy OP. You've now suffered two losses and that's a lot to take for anyone. Therapy has helped me a lot and I think moments like these are a good chance to take a step back and look at oneself anew. If you need to DM you can always shoot me a message, it's my alt so I might be a bit slow to respond but having outlets is important wherever you find them. Good luck for the future.

Suppose I should chime in here. Lost three pregnancies with my ex, two later on in the pregnancy and one very early. There was a lot of grief, depression, and some other life complications in there. I did better than her mentally for the most part but it affected me deeply and I had periods of time where I was irritable or deflated. After the second loss I hid from my grief. Nevertheless, I kept trying to power through. She started to do better after about 3 years of our fertility struggle, coming out of her depression and being more social etc. but I started to struggle more at that moment, noticing an uptick of the impact of grief on my work etc. We started ivf and during our first round things didn't go so well, and afterwards she confessed to having an affair with another man for the previous four months. I was still caught up in my dream of our life and future family together and we tried to make it work for a month, but the damage was done. I understood her cheating as you described it OP, looking for a way out of an ongoing bad emotional situation. But I didn't understand the utter disregard for me walking that road as well, carrying my own trauma, even if I showed it less, differently, or at other times. I'm sorry this is where you've ended up and wish you all the strength for moving forward, it's brave to put this stuff out there even in this forum. I hope you have the support and outlets you need.