Men and Miscarriage - does it affect them differently? Was this the reason for your breakup?

Posted by Ingoodkilter@reddit | AskUK | View on Reddit | 209 comments

I had a miscarriage in January of this year. My partner and I were devastated. It took me a few months to actually start feeling the emotional pain in full force. It hit me like a lorry. I felt severely unattractive, like I had lost all hope and that the world around me was out to get me. I felt that my partner had just got on with it and that it didn’t really affect him in the same way. Whilst we spoke about it occasionally, his thinking was “well you know you can get pregnant now”. I found it a bit dismissive of the loss. If you’re a male (or a female having experienced this type of reaction from your partner) can you shed some light on how it affected you? We are no longer together and the relationship completely broke down after I sought a bit of escapism through messaging someone I used to be in a relationship with. It was the lowest part of my life and I felt truly deflated. The messages were silly and absolutely nothing came of it. It was not my intention and the messages even state that I couldn’t think of anything worse than meeting up or resuming any kind of relationship. I’m still trying to figure out how that fits in with the trauma of miscarriage. I felt so alone and I don’t have many friends. Unfortunately I sought distraction in that. And it’s completely wrecked my relationship - rightly so! I know I’ll be judged, but I am trying to work through my feelings. A significant proportion of relationships fail after miscarriage - did yours? If so, how?

Reply to Post

Reply

209 Comments

[-]

kellllzzzzz@reddit

Yes it caused break up now I’m grieving 2 losses

Reply

[-]

misspixal4688@reddit

My boyfriend was devastated. I remember leaving the hospital, and he was staring at a couple leaving with their newborn. He just broke down. He also refused to leave my side, which pissed off the nurses. He cuddled me in the hospital bed. When a nurse insisted I had to go to a scan alone, he told her no. I was crying and in a panic, and he advocated for me. It was before COVID, so there was no reason he couldn't come. The nurse was clearly having a bad day, taking it out on me for some reason—probably because she was underpaid and stressed. Still, in that moment, it wasn't what we needed. The experience didn’t ruin our relationship; I think it made it stronger. When we got home, it was December 1st. I love Christmas, but I couldn't bring myself to decorate. So, while I was asleep, he put up all my decorations and hung hundreds of white paper snowflakes and fairy lights from our living room ceiling. It looked absolutely magical, and I'll never forget his kindness toward me, especially as he was in so much pain himself.

Reply

[-]

Careless_Tackle7810@reddit

Wow sounds like a true gentleman. My husband was disengaged. It hit me two weeks later (the depression) and I told him I needed him or a hug or something! He didn't do anything!!!! He went out of his way to make plans with his co workers to hang. He still never did anything about it.

Reply

[-]

Boredpanda31@reddit

What a man ❤️ Does sound like that nurse was in a bad mood, because unless you were going for an MRI OR CT, I don't know why he couldn't be there with you for a scan? I hope you're doing OK now ❤️

Reply

[-]

misspixal4688@reddit

We're doing well, thank you. We had another loss, but then we welcomed a baby who went full term; she's now 3 years old. Last year, we also took in his other three children from his abusive ex, who were going to be put into care. So now, we're caring for four kids in a 2-bedroom house. It's quite challenging, and some days I feel like leaving to avoid dealing with social workers, therapists, schools, and sleeping in the living room so they can have a bedroom. However, I remember that day in the hospital and the Christmas decorations, which changes my mind. 😅

Reply

[-]

krux25@reddit

You two sound like you've come out of this really well. Thank you for taking his other 3 children in as well. It doesn't sound easy, but by the sounds of it you're all doing the best you can.

Reply

[-]

newfor2023@reddit

They aren't just his children anymore they are hers too. Not taking anything away from it at all. I've got two not biologically related but they are still mine.

Reply

[-]

Boredpanda31@reddit

Aw bless you ❤️ it doesn't sound easy but sounds like you have a good partnership and your little family sounds lovely!

Reply

[-]

KasamUK@reddit

Giving the nurses a very broad amount of benefit of the doubt it’s possible she was trying to create space to have the ‘is there anything you need to tell me about, do you need help conversation’ .

Reply

[-]

Md__86@reddit

This is quite likely. I attended all of my wife's scans (UK) and they deliberately made a reason for her to be alone to ask her if anything was wrong and was she being abused.

Reply

[-]

BenRod88@reddit

Same here, although I think there should be someone available for the guys in that situation also as it was me that was on the receiving end

Reply

[-]

Berneagh@reddit

What a hero! I'm sorry for your loss, but glad you did not have to go through the loss alone. It could be the midwife was trying to ask you some safeguarding questions about your home situation?!

Reply

[-]

misspixal4688@reddit

Thank you. The particular nurse who wouldn't let him come was a healthcare assistant. However, the actual midwife who did the scan once we arrived said it was fine. She mentioned that she didn't understand why the assistant had said no to us. To be honest, that was nothing compared to the doctor who, while performing an exam, removed some tissue from me. She placed it in a urine sample bottle because she couldn't find another member of staff to take it. She asked us to take it with us and give it to the nurses on the ward when we got a bed. I got a bed after about six hours, and you could tell that the tissue was going to become a baby. Having to carry that around in a little sample pot was horrific. I really think there should be more sensitivity training regarding baby loss within the NHS.

Reply

[-]

roloem91@reddit

I think sensitivity training in general across NHS would be good. I understand that people's worst days is their every day but that doesn't mean it's not a worst day. When I called the early pregnancy unit saying I was bleeding, i started crying halfway through the phone call and she asked me why I was crying. I apologised and said I was worried and hormonal and she laughed.

Reply

[-]

misspixal4688@reddit

I'm so sorry, she laughed. I'm autistic, and the number of times I've cried from being overwhelmed and have been laughed at too makes it so much worse. It stays with you. I just wish they would understand that their off days can have a massive impact on others' bad days. We are not just numbers; we are people, and when in the hospital, we are usually already in a very vulnerable place. I show them respect for doing such an important job, which I know is underpaid and stressful. Please show me some empathy and understanding while I'm in such a vulnerable state.

Reply

[-]

Strong_Star_71@reddit

They don’t want the partner or family member freaking out.

Reply

[-]

misspixal4688@reddit

I have a disability and I always have people with me to help communicate to medical team or to help me process what is being said to me they knew this I had my hospital passport they simply didn't like that my disability meant I was to being given reasonable adjustments like it's unfair on the other women.

Reply

[-]

Silent-Detail4419@reddit

It is ***NEVER*** unfair to treat someone with a protected characteristic more favourably. Remember equality ≠ fairness. Sometimes you have to treat some people more favourably to put them at the same level as people who don't have a protected characteristic. That's equity. if you were disabled and homeless, and the council put you in a flat at the top of a tower block with no lift - and you couldn't use stairs. If it then deemed you to be housed, because it had given you a flat in the same block it had put other people who could use stairs - you all have the same thing (equality) but YOU'RE still homeless because you're not being treated equitably. Shite analogy - but do you understand what I'm getting at...? The Equality Act 2010 clearly states that you are ***NOT*** being given favourable treatment if that treatment is necessary to put you on a level playing field with non-disabled people. If treating you more favourably slightly inconveniences non-disabled people, tough shit. 🤗

Reply

[-]

ExtremeJujoo@reddit

He is a mensch! A keeper! I am glad you have such a strong partner shouldering life with you, especially during such a difficult time

Reply

[-]

GingerJenifer@reddit

I'm so happy that you found a man like him but also terribly sorry for the pain you both went through :((

Reply

[-]

Sphealwithme@reddit

I wish I had an award to give, as your comment really deserves one. I’ve been feeling really shitty today, but this was such a touching thing to read. Sounds like quite a challenging situation you’re in currently, but I bet you both have a lot of love to give!

Reply

[-]

Fcxk_Lewis@reddit

I got you and OP, buddy. Hope your day gets better.

Reply

[-]

Sphealwithme@reddit

Thank you, that’s incredibly sweet! Hope you’re having a good one!

Reply

[-]

DangerousMango6@reddit

This made me tear up 🤍

Reply

[-]

snozbert18@reddit

I came here to say the same thing ❤️ what a wonderful person.

Reply

[-]

C_JN08@reddit

I’m so sorry you experienced this loss, but I’m glad you had someone so supportive by your side ❤️‍🩹

Reply

[-]

Ingoodkilter@reddit (OP)

I love that for you. During such a difficult time, he tried to make it brighter for you 🖤💫

Reply

[-]

DesiRose3621@reddit

You start by saying that your partner was devastated by the loss then you say it didn’t affect him, honestly what are you even on about? It seems like to me that you’ve made up that he wasnt bothered just to help you live with yourself for cheating on him. I hope your partner is okay. Poor guy.

Reply

[-]

Ingoodkilter@reddit (OP)

Not really. We are still friends, and he’s ok

Reply

[-]

No_Contribution_6076@reddit

Cheating is cheating. Your relationship broke down because you cheated. Not because you two had a miscarriage. Don't for one second try and shift the blame because of the choice you made. Fucking makes my skin crawl when people try and downplay their shitty decisions and end up looking for validation that it wasn't their fault. It is 100% your fault. You chose to look for "escapism". You don't run off cheating if you want a stable healthy relationship...

Reply

[-]

Ingoodkilter@reddit (OP)

I know what cheating is and don’t for one second try to shift any blame. I literally say that the relationship broke down “rightly so!”, thank you for your input though

Reply

[-]

No_Contribution_6076@reddit

It's what you did. You cheated. "The messages were silly and absolutely nothing came of it" you are down playing it. You don't get to do that. What you did was betray a person you supposedly loved enough to want to have a kid with. Who stuck with you while you both were going through a traumatic experience. That's pretty fucking low. What's worse is that you immediately gave excuses and tried to down play what you did. It's sickening

Reply

[-]

Ingoodkilter@reddit (OP)

The post wasn’t about the breakup, it was about whether men deal with miscarriages differently. My conclusion is that they do

Reply

[-]

Ok_Student7328@reddit

I don’t believe that your miscarriage had anything to do with your breakup. It sounds like (to me) that he was looking for a way out.

Reply

[-]

ElectedTulip462@reddit

Read Home Burial by Robert Frost. It is an interesting study of grief in men/women, you might find something interesting in it. https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/53086/home-burial

Reply

[-]

Cross_examination@reddit

Ready for the downvotes: evolutionary, you failed to have an offspring with this partner and you sought a new one because you are fertile. Emotionally, YTA for cheating. Miscarriage or not, you’d found another excuse sooner or later and yes, it’s devastating for us men too.

Reply

[-]

Ingoodkilter@reddit (OP)

Incorrect. Fertility had nothing to do with messages to somebody else. Try again.

Reply

[-]

Cross_examination@reddit

No, you try not to be a cheater.

Reply

[-]

Ingoodkilter@reddit (OP)

Make this make sense. Fertility didn’t lead me to text somebody else. And I think you’re in the wrong subreddit. I didn’t ask AITA. I know I have been!

Reply

[-]

No_Contribution_6076@reddit

You were worse than an arsehole... You two went through something traumatic together only for you to run off and cheat on the person you wanted to have kids with... That is low

Reply

[-]

spawnofbacon@reddit

She may have cheated but you’re using a post about a miscarriage to morally get on your high horse about something she has repeatedly already admitted was wrong & done out of desperation. Shame on you

Reply

[-]

SystemLordMoot@reddit

My wife miscarried on our second pregnancy, it devastated us both. It was nearly 7 years ago now, and we've had a second child since, but I still sometimes think about it and it makes me sad. We found out at the 12 week scan, we just saw a black screen with no baby, I remember feeling so empty seeing that screen. The miscarriage had begun that morning, and it all happened physically later that day. I absolutely love our little boy, but I sometimes wonder what that kid could have been like. I don't think the associated feelings ever truly leave, I'll always carry that sadness with me and the thoughts of what could have been.

Reply

[-]

Phantasmal@reddit

While I was a child my mother told me about every miscarriage that she had. She wanted me to know that they are common, that they aren't a shameful secret, and that she would probably be sad for a while. She let me know that miscarriages happen when the pregnancy isn't going to be a healthy one, so although it's disappointing, it's probably also for the best. You'll be able to try again and hopefully have a safe and healthy pregnancy. But that a miscarriage isn't anyone's fault. Pregnancy is just complicated and so many things have to go right for it to work out. She figured that I would be pregnant some day and would almost certainly miscarry some day. And she didn't want that to feel devastating or shocking or like I was a failure. She wanted me to know that it happens all the time, to almost every woman. And every woman that I met with children had probably also miscarried at least once, even if it was too early for them to even know they were pregnant. I think if we talked about this more, it would be easier when it happens. If for no other reason than you would always be aware that it was a real possibility.

Reply

[-]

Evan_Stuckey@reddit

Men tend to hide feelings, sometimes they feel they need to be strong for their partner as well. Of course they don’t have the same experience so maybe they are a little less affected but don’t assume they are not just because they don’t show it.

Reply

[-]

Gorilla_in_a_gi@reddit

We had a miscarriage last year, I was devastated but I felt like I needed to push it down so that I could help my wife. Our relationship didn't break down but we took a long time to process our feelings and learn to be a couple again.

Reply

[-]

Beneficial_Noise_691@reddit

Wheeen my ex had one i was gutted, near broken, and then, some one needed to bring her home, do the shopping, cook, and look after her. 2 weeks later after having no time to process she sits me down and says "I don't get how you can be so over it already!?" That was the start of the end, and when things let up and I could grieve, now I was "bringing up her painful past". So yes, it happens, how dare your partner just get on with it! I feel for him, I did the same, what was he supposed to say >“well you know you can get pregnant now”. Or >"I can't share my lose because it doesn't see, to compare to yours, and if I let you know how I really feel you will likely see it as blame, because you are already blaming yourself anger is a fucming famous part of the greving process" >I know I’ll be judged, but I am trying to work through my feelings. No judgement, but maybe a learning opportunity, maybe he was just trying to work through his feelings too.

Reply

[-]

Late-Champion8678@reddit

From my brother’s POV, and not the same situation: He and his wife lost their infant at 3 weeks old to SIDS. It was obviously devastating and both families rallied around them for support. I, as big sister, went to stay with them for a few days to help out and support my brother as much as SIL (who also had siblings to support). I was alone with my brother, who is much like me, prone to keep his emotions deep down and not express them because of the fear of overshadowing anyone’s feelings and the feeling of ‘responsibility’ for managing everyone else (even when not needed). I asked him about how he was doing and he was surprised. He told me his feelings didn’t matter as the loss was worse for SIL. I gently told him that he also experienced the loss; that while he thought he was being stoic right now, SIL needed to know he was hurting too because the loss of a child can break the strongest relationship when the couple don’t grieve together for whatever reason. I told him to forget about appearing ‘strong’, go cry with your wife. It’s ok. I’m glad he did and that they are still together, 15 years later.

Reply

[-]

captainclectic@reddit

Super special advice.

Reply

[-]

Beneficial_Noise_691@reddit

You are an exceptional sister. I hope you know that.

Reply

[-]

Late-Champion8678@reddit

Don’t you dare try to make me cry at work. In public. I’m supposed to be a rock 😭 But thank you x

Reply

[-]

Ingoodkilter@reddit (OP)

Thank you for this. It’s helpful

Reply

[-]

Beneficial_Noise_691@reddit

I so sorry for your loss, grief makes people act in really dumb ways, learn from your actions, but don't beat yourself up unnecessarily.

Reply

[-]

Witty-Bus07@reddit

Many handle grief differently, and while some would show it, some don’t and it doesn’t mean they don’t feel it

Reply

[-]

Ingoodkilter@reddit (OP)

Thank you. It really does. I cant think of much I regret more than this, but it’s happened and all I can do is learn and move forward

Reply

[-]

Beneficial_Noise_691@reddit

Yep, i used to get really angry/annoyed when people would overanalyse the lead up to my breakup. They would say things like: Imagine if <this thing> had happened? I can't believe you/she did that? Do you think <insert obvious thing> would have helped? All that is other people trying to feel out how you are and how they would be. It's basic empathy and curiosity mixed together. No I wouldn't change a thing. And Nothing can be changed, we cannot go back in time, I can't use my recently found maturity, because this it the event that forced me to mature. One life was gone, and I needed to focus on making sure that number didn't go up. And for a week or so, that was something I was concerned enough about that she was never alone in the house, or if she was, i had the main part of her medication. Is it fair? Of course not, but life isn't fair. Could it have been handled better? Yep, but grief, and worry, can fuck planning up. Do I regret it? Of course I do, but I can't change it. Focusing on regret does nothing productive.

Reply

[-]

Ruadhan2300@reddit

That's heartbreaking, but thank you for sharing.

Reply

[-]

Willeth@reddit

I'm so sorry for your loss, but >"I can't share my loss because it doesn't seem to compare to yours, and if I let you know how I really feel you will likely see it as blame, because you are already blaming yourself as anger is a fucking famous part of the greving process" seems like absolutely the preferable response there.

Reply

[-]

captainclectic@reddit

People process pain/trauma differently. When my wife had a miscarriage years ago even though it was REALLY early in the pregnancy, she had never gone through it and it really hurt her understandably of course. You have to make the best of a really bad situation. We went somewhere nice to eat, I finished work early to do so. We chatted, watched some tv, was more mindful of her for around a week. It's heartbreaking it truly is but she knows I wouldn't cry if it happened and even if I did somehow, it definitely wouldn't have been in front of her. Maybe im old school but I felt like I had to stay strong as the man in the relationship but that doesn't mean you don't show feelings. Why did your relationship breakdown? I think if anything, it brought us closer together. I know that comment might not have been the most considerate comment but im assuming there was more to it than that.

Reply

[-]

7ootles@reddit

Another way of looking at it is that your partner wanted to carry on and focus on the positives, and then you cheated on him.

Reply

[-]

PM_me_your_PhDs@reddit

Yeah I'm so disturbed by how she downplays cheating repeatedly throughout the post "sought escapism" 🤮 yuck. a miscarriage is a horrible thing to go through, but doesn't excuse cheating

Reply

[-]

schaweniiia@reddit

C'mon, she's suicidal already. I understand your opinion, but be human for a second please.

Reply

[-]

Ingoodkilter@reddit (OP)

Never said it was an excuse.

Reply

[-]

7ootles@reddit

It's not that you've overtly made an excuse out of it so much as that he tried to carry on - hell, for all you know he might have just been trying to hold it together for your sake, since you were suffering so much. You even acknowledged right at the beginning of your OP that he was devastated as well. Men deal with things differently. We cope with difficult situations that we can't change by getting on with life and trying to remain productive. You also have to appreciate that *you* had the miscarriage, not him. Of course he cared, of course he was upset - you said so yourself - but he wasn't the person to whom that physiological event happened, he wasn't the person who had to endure the hormonal fallout, he wasn't the person who felt unattractive or like he'd let you down, as I know many women feel when that happens. What would you have had him do? Did it never occur to you that he might have been remaining strong *for your sake*, because you needed him to? So you never said it was an excuse. But you *did* say that you thought him dismissive and that you "sought a bit of escapism" with an ex. Whether or not you physically acted on it with your ex is immaterial - *you cheated on your partner*. I mean, looking it from his point of view: >My partner was pregnant, but she had a miscarriage. It affected her really badly, and I wasn't sure what to do - hell, who would? I thought the best thing I could do was to be strong and look at the bright side. Yeah, I know that's a hard thing to do, but on a dark cloudy day you'll celebrate every sunbeam you see. I thought the most important thing would be to be a steady presence in her life, to help keep her grounded. >Things were really rough between us and she withdrew from me. I figured that was natural, it would blow over, because I've heard of the same happening to other women who've had miscarriages. I just hoped she might come out of it, that she would realize giving up was a silly thing to do. That's when I found out that she'd been texting her ex behind my back. She said nothing happened and she didn't want anything to happen, said it was just an escape from reality, and she has no idea how how pointless that makes me feel. Like I'm just not good enough. Do you still not see? You say you know you did wrong, but you still seem to feel like your actions were justified.

Reply

[-]

Ingoodkilter@reddit (OP)

I think you should read my post again. You’re making so many assumptions which are simply incorrect. Sorry it happened to you.

Reply

[-]

redmagor@reddit

>I think you should read my post again. You’re making so many assumptions which are simply incorrect. Sorry it happened to you. What are some examples of the many assumptions?

Reply

[-]

7ootles@reddit

I'm not saying anything happened to him. I was writing what you said from his position, in the first person. When my ex had a miscarriage, the miscarriage was the context in which we found out she'd been pregnant. Neither of us really knew what to feel, and neither of us really suffered for it. And it didn't factor into why we broke up.

Reply

[-]

TheCommomPleb@reddit

Lol yeah honestly I took this whole post as her seeking justification for her actions.

Reply

[-]

louloubelle92@reddit

Yeah my immediate thought was it wasn’t the miscarriage that broke the relationship, it was her infidelity

Reply

[-]

Ingoodkilter@reddit (OP)

Maybe so. I’ve considered that, so thank you.

Reply

[-]

Plastic-Collar5721@reddit

I haven’t had a miscarriage but did have an ectopic pregnancy after ivf. My partner’s reaction was to leave me alone in hospital, be late to pick me up and then say “it’s not even a baby” needless to say we aren’t together anymore. I don’t expect men to feel the same way about pregnancy loss as women do but I would expect my partner to listen, be sympathetic and not minimise the experience.

Reply

[-]

Ingoodkilter@reddit (OP)

I’m sorry he behaved so shitty towards you, and I’m glad you are rid of him. I’m sorry for your loss. Of course you should have been listened to and supported 🖤

Reply

[-]

RickStar1990@reddit

We are currently experiencing our 6th miscarriage in 3 years after 12 years of childless marriage. As a man, each one has hurt like fuck, but it's "just" an emotional pain, not the physical pain the woman is feeling. My main feeling is anger at the situation and how we don't seem to be getting any support from anyone. I've always felt the loneliness and helplessness quite hard as well. You can't do anything to help, you can't understand the physical and hormonal damage that is happening to your partner and you can't answer the biggest question If "why me". I can completely understand why relationships break down over miscarriages. It takes a very high level of patience and maturity on both parts to understand that even though you are being used as a verbal punch bag, it's just a way of processing emotions and nothing said is a true reflection on actual feelings. I can easily see how a man could blame his partner for the miscarriage and resent her for it. I can even see why some people would start to think "it's not working with this partner, let's try another". Would like to state that even though I can see those thoughts processes and understand them, I fully reject them all, I would rather have my wife than anything else.

Reply

[-]

richcarzana@reddit

My wife and I lost our rainbow baby at 14 weeks 3 days in May this year after suffering our first miscarriage in January this year. To say it’s been the worst year of our near perfect 12 year relationship is a huge understatement. We lost our son due to a severe birth defect that was found on our 12 week scan and confirmed at kings college hospital. When she gave birth I felt more respect, love and admiration for her than I thought possible, the way she handled the physical and emotional pain of what was happening was incredible. After we came home I got straight to supporting her, doing everything I could to try and make sure she was ok and hiding just how much I was hurting as one of the biggest feelings she was dealing with was (unnecessary) guilt, and I felt that if I showed her how cut up I was about it all, that would make her feel more guilty. She saw this as me not being bothered by our son’s loss, which couldn’t have been further from the truth. She also sought comfort from another man, just calls and texts convos about our baby loss (so I’m told) which hurt me immensely as I felt the loss made us stronger until I discovered the convos behind my back. She then left me 3 times in 4 weeks as she felt I’d be better off without her, something that my constant suicidal thoughts and not eating confirmed to not be true! She’s now back living with me and we’re both in therapy for grief and bereavement and hope to start couples therapy soon to hopefully repair the damage of this awful year. She keeps asking me to promise not to end it all if we do split permanently, but after a year of 2 baby losses and the break up of my marriage and losing my soulmate, that isn’t a promise I can honestly make.

Reply

[-]

Ingoodkilter@reddit (OP)

I’m so sorry to hear that. Sounds like you’ve really been through some of the darkest times. I feel like a hypocrite telling you that things will get better one day, when I don’t always believe that myself. I’m glad you are engaging with grief counselling and I sincerely hope it helps you both and your mental health. Life can be so cruel sometimes. Sending love and strength 🖤

Reply

[-]

King_Kai_The_First@reddit

There's nothing to be ashamed about. Hormones do crazy things during pregnancy, it's likely that the delayed response is all the pregnancy hormones finally dropping out of your system. That up and down can be literally like withdrawal symptoms, and what cause post partum depression. I'm a guy so I don't know this first hand but I did do a lot of research to support my wife during her pregnancy and went to classes and stuff to understand the processes going so I can be prepared for whatever. I can still imagine though that come down, after losing the child can be doubly devastating. Your partner was not insensitive, guys just can't relate. They're not carrying the baby, and miscarriage can feel like a failed attempt at having a baby, rather than loss. Unfortunately, hormones are not in our control, and can wreak havoc on your emotional state which can wreak havoc on your life. Sometimes there's just not anything you can do to stop yourself and other getting hurt in the process. You can only forgive yourself, pick up the pieces and soldier on. This too shall pass

Reply

[-]

Ingoodkilter@reddit (OP)

Thank you, that makes sense. You’re very understanding

Reply

[-]

crawf_f1@reddit

It’s tough. It’s a loss you share but feel differently (as all humans do). Normally a loss is to one of you with the other being support. It is different but you both felt it. But if no communication made you feel that it’s an issue. Nobody is trained how to respond to this…

Reply

[-]

thesalfordlad@reddit

It was one of the most upsetting things I've been through. 3 times in fact. Although it was hard for me, it hurt more that my wife had to go through the actual miscarriage whilst feeling the loss I was feeling. I think that's what hurt the most. I felt entirely useless and could only give her comfort and support. I have the mentality that everything happens for a reason and didn't dwell on it for too long after each, I believe my wife is the same. Everyone grieves in their own way and for different periods of time. Still married. We have 2 kids now and countless sleepless night. Totally worth the wait.

Reply

[-]

ItsNotMyThrow@reddit

Suppose I should chime in here. Lost three pregnancies with my ex, two later on in the pregnancy and one very early. There was a lot of grief, depression, and some other life complications in there. I did better than her mentally for the most part but it affected me deeply and I had periods of time where I was irritable or deflated. After the second loss I hid from my grief. Nevertheless, I kept trying to power through. She started to do better after about 3 years of our fertility struggle, coming out of her depression and being more social etc. but I started to struggle more at that moment, noticing an uptick of the impact of grief on my work etc. We started ivf and during our first round things didn't go so well, and afterwards she confessed to having an affair with another man for the previous four months. I was still caught up in my dream of our life and future family together and we tried to make it work for a month, but the damage was done. I understood her cheating as you described it OP, looking for a way out of an ongoing bad emotional situation. But I didn't understand the utter disregard for me walking that road as well, carrying my own trauma, even if I showed it less, differently, or at other times. I'm sorry this is where you've ended up and wish you all the strength for moving forward, it's brave to put this stuff out there even in this forum. I hope you have the support and outlets you need.

Reply

[-]

Ingoodkilter@reddit (OP)

Thank you for sharing this. Sounds absolutely heartbreaking. I don’t know your ex, but if it’s any comfort to you, not one part of me felt in any way that my partner was any less or not worth the level of respect I should have given. I know it’s so strange to comprehend given what happened and the fact that she cheated. I wanted to escape reality in any way I could (without it ever being a physical affair) and in a sense I felt extremely destructive and it spilled out into a stupid array of messages to someone who wasn’t my partner. It’s not always about how you feel about your partner. Most will probably disagree, but I can honestly say that it wasn’t for me. I felt alone (maybe he could’ve changed that slightly) and depressed. Not an excuse but more of a reason

Reply

[-]

ItsNotMyThrow@reddit

I appreciate your words and I think having lived inside something similar, I maybe get where you're coming from in a way others here sharing similar stories have also expressed. I think understanding reasons but not looking for excuses, as you've said, will help you move forward. Your honesty and openness will help too, I hope you have at least a few people in your life you can be this open with. Talking this out with people you trust is important. Although I've been hurt by my circumstances, I've tried to remain on amicable terms with my ex-wife out of respect for our long and happy relationship prior to our losses and struggles. I'm not sure where she landed with me - sometimes I see what you've indicated about it not changing respect etc but at other times the weight of being "the cheater" has seemingly morphed her into more defensive and hurtful actions and words, even though that weight/guilt has largely come from within herself and I have never brought it up or offered (or been asked) my views since we separated. I haven't had a chance to read the whole thread so perhaps you've indicated this elsewhere, but I hope you have or consider therapy OP. You've now suffered two losses and that's a lot to take for anyone. Therapy has helped me a lot and I think moments like these are a good chance to take a step back and look at oneself anew. If you need to DM you can always shoot me a message, it's my alt so I might be a bit slow to respond but having outlets is important wherever you find them. Good luck for the future.

Reply

[-]

throwaway1430000@reddit

I (27F) briefly dated a guy (41M) for 3 months and found out I was pregnant in month 2. My birth control failed (pill) and he was convinced he was infertile anyway given that he had never had a scare before. He knew he didn’t want kids while I knew I certainly didn’t want one with him. It was a shock to us both but it was clear what we needed to do. He was initially very supportive and came with me to the scan, but I could tell he was beginning to distance himself afterwards. I received the pills in the post and my friends offered me somewhere to stay so I could have the abortion comfortably with company. Whilst the guy texted me and stayed on the phone to me throughout that night, I felt let down that he didn’t offer for me to stay at his and see it through with me. Once done, I was so relieved. As much as I would like a child in the future, being pregnant when not wanting to be felt like I had a parasite inside of me. We carried in dating a couple of more weeks, then shortly after I confirmed I was definitely no longer pregnant, he broke it off. I’ve no doubt he was sticking around long enough to confirm. I was quite emotional in the last couple of weeks because my hormones were out of whack and I was upset because of the whole ordeal. When he ended it, he mentioned that things were just too difficult and that the early stages of dating were supposed to be fun. I’ve no doubt he was scared too and I can’t imagine how out of control you must feel as a man who doesn’t want a baby, but I resent how he made me feel for having a tough time going through such a scary process for the first time with someone I wasn’t that close to.

Reply

[-]

dismylik16thaccount@reddit

OP Lost her child, this probably isn't the place to be sharing this story

Reply

[-]

Mrslinkydragon@reddit

My partner had back to back miscarriages. It made me feel bad because I could see how painful it was for her. She get sad around the time of the first one and I just hold her close.

Reply

[-]

HisDudeness316@reddit

We went through it. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. My wife and I had been trying to conceive for two years, and it finally happened when we were both 32. Unfortunately, the elation from her falling pregnant only lasted about six weeks. Both of us were absolutely devastated, but considering my wife had been the one who physically went through it, my job was to be her rock. To an outsider, it could well have looked like it had less mental impact on me because I just "got on with it", but that was because I *had* to. The good news is that 18 months later, my eldest daughter arrived, followed by a second three and a bit years later. Best of luck to you, OP.

Reply

[-]

MelodyJ20@reddit

Look, I've had 2 miscarriages and while I'm sad about it, I didn't go seeking someone else. I dealt with both of them on my own because my partner and I do not live together, but after I got through the emotions, I just shrugged and said that we could try again. I have PCOS, so it's harder for me to conceive, and both times, I had no idea I was pregnant.

Reply

[-]

Lost-In-Hyrule@reddit

From my point of view (male) it was absolutely devastating and not something I have ever truly recovered from, as much as it didnt end our relationship it did cause a lot of issues and I would say we have never been quite the same since, we have 2 children (1 born before the miscarriage and 1 after) and that has given us both something to focus on to try and recover but its something I think about daily. My partner obviously had to deal with the Psychological side the same as i did but she also had the Physical side on top of that which was horrific for her, in a lot of ways I blame myself for not looking after her enough during that time, i did, but I always think i could have done more or noticed something was wrong sooner etc.

Reply

[-]

Bones_Bonnie-369@reddit

Did your wife cheat on you like this one did on her husband? I mean, if your wife cheated on you after a miscarriage would you continue with it?

Reply

[-]

Ingoodkilter@reddit (OP)

Thank you for this insight. I’m sorry this happened to you both and glad you had another child 🖤

Reply

[-]

Lost-In-Hyrule@reddit

Thank you, I am so sorry for your loss 🖤

Reply

[-]

Bones_Bonnie-369@reddit

I'm sorry for your loss, I know what's to lose a child and it's absolutely devastating. I'd say some men are affected differently, a lot of them try to stay focused on the positives and the future maybe to not try to think too much. I know my husband is the type of guy that would smile through the dark times when I'm down because if were both down, our boat will sink. When I'm fire, he has to be water and viceversa. Some women are affected differently too. But ultimately I think the reason you aren't together is because you CHEATED on him.

Reply

[-]

Former_Wang_owner@reddit

My wife had an ectopic pregnancy that left her unable to conceive again after it had been removed. This was after a couple of years of trying. It was very hard to take. It was devastating for our relationship for a time, but we got through it.

Reply

[-]

Illustrious-Divide95@reddit

Speaking from a Dad's POV: My Partner (we) had two miscarriages before we were successful - now have a lovely 5 yr old son! :) She was utterly devastated to a depth that perhaps I didn't feel. I was extremely sad and cried with her, don't get me wrong, but her grief was on another level. Of course the mother physically and viscerally has to deal with it whereas the dad has a very different experience through it all and I think that's one of the reasons for the disparity of feelings. When we were successful after 3/4 years of trying, I largely moved on and although look back on how sad and stressful it all was for us both, my partner will quietly mark the two days and lost babies by lighting a candle. I don't feel the need to do that, but respect her needs. I would never tell her to "move on" or "get over it" but my focus is on my son and I don't have a need to mark it in the same way. In short: I think men generally (Generalising, I know!) don't feel the grief and post trauma depression to the level that the Mum does for the reasons I have given but that doesn't mean we don't feel the sadness too. Also into the mix we may deal with the loss in a different way too.

Reply

[-]

Mike_Rowballs@reddit

Beatifully put. Almost exactly the same experience for me and my partner. She also likes to light candles in remembrance. Hardest part for me was watching her blame herself for failing to get and/or stay pregnant. We thought it was over for us when the IVF clinics closed during COVID then within 3 weeks of lockdown we became pregnant and our beautiful daughter arrived 9 months later.

Reply

[-]

Trentdison@reddit

I wrote my reply before reading others, and you answered it better for me than I did myself. I had a very similar experience, with a very similar reaction.

Reply

[-]

pringellover9553@reddit

Your wife lighting candles is so lovely to me, what a lovely way for her to remember her lost babies. Made me tear up a little bit

Reply

[-]

kateykatey@reddit

A few days ago it was the “wave of light” - a social media trend essentially, where people light candles for the babies they never got to meet. My Facebook is full of these posts on that day. It affects so many people but it lives in the shadows, a strange grief that people don’t really talk about for a myriad of reasons. It’s a lovely concept.

Reply

[-]

DeeDionisia@reddit

That’s natural I think, men don’t have to deal with the massive hormonal fluctuations that come with it, it simply cannot be the exact same experience.

Reply

[-]

ArumtheLily@reddit

No judgement from me. Our eldest was a neonatal death at a week old. What I noticed with my ex (of 25 years, the split had nothing to do with this) was that everyone expected him to be fine. He was supposed to look after me. He wasn't supposed to have any feelings about his dead son. It was fucking brutal. He was utterly devasted, but there was this huge social expectation that it was his job to look after the real victim, me. Only me and my mum recognised his pain.

Reply

[-]

Turbulent-Owl875@reddit

I took it harder than my wife. I was crying pretty much as soon as we got home, but she was pretty stoic about. She became very practical minded and just wanted to get the procedure and move on. I took the next day off work whereas she just wanted to get on with life. I’m not sure if fortunate is the right way to put it, but we already had a wee 2 year old boy at home who was oblivious, so we were forced to get back to normal life pretty quickly. If it had been our first it would have been a totally different story; my wife struggled every month when her period came wondering if it would ever happen. So maybe it was fortunate i guess

Reply

[-]

Snug_as_a_Nug@reddit

A friend of mine miscarried some number of years ago now. She was devastated and really struggled with even the smallest daily task. Every parenting moment with her eldest would come with thoughts like: I should be feeding my toddler one handed because my other arm should be filled with my baby. Or something along those lines. Her husband went back to work the next day. My friend was bitter for years because she felt like he just didn’t care or understand. Years later they tried again and had a beautiful, healthy baby. She was always bitter that her husband just didn’t feel the same way as her.. until one Sunday they were out and about with their kids and her husband was becoming increasingly agitated. Eventually she snapped at him and demanded to know what was going on. It was the anniversary of the day she had told him he was going to be a father for the second time and he always bought her flowers to commemorate their lost baby and he couldn’t find a florist that was open. My friend thought he was just randomly buying her flowers, he’d never said what they were for and he thought she knew. Her husband had quietly chosen to commemorate their lost baby not on the day they miscarried, but on the day he first knew his wife was pregnant. My friend and her husband were both experiencing grief, they just processed it differently.

Reply

[-]

banxy85@reddit

As a man you will be asked countless times how the mother is, and if you are supporting her. You will not be asked how you are or if you need support. In my experience anyways

Reply

[-]

MsComputerScience@reddit

I had an ectopic pregnancy at 6 weeks. I know it crushed my mental health, from anxiety and depression forming where I hadn't had any before, self-harm, low self-worth, the disconnected feeling and a bucket load of guilt. It took me 4 years and therapy to try and shift through, and I'm just now in what I would call an ok place. My partner admits he didn't feel alot. He was sad, but more concerned and sad for my reaction as he felt like he hadn't connected the life to a baby yet. It took a massive toll on our intemacy and changed our relationship forever. I think alot of couples would have broken up before now when we were at our furthest apart. We were lucky enough to have a one year old before this and I genuinely think she helped carry us through as a team. I know you made some mistakes during your grieving, and while not ok, I understand that loneliness, and that need for a connection. Forgive yourself, and work through what is a traumatic experience.

Reply

[-]

Awesomevindicator@reddit

yes... but not because were men... because were individuals. everyone experiences EVERYTHING differently. to assume men experience one thing in a specific way because "men" is just wrong. in the same way every single woman experiences miscarriage in a different and highly individual way, same for men.

Reply

[-]

slartybartfast6@reddit

We lost 2 on our journey,.it destroyed me both times. I had to sray strong for my partner who was also dealing with the loss, so I dealt with most of my grief alone, late at night. We have 2 fabulous children now, but I've not forgotten those that didn't make it.

Reply

[-]

ExtremeJujoo@reddit

First and foremost, I am sorry for your loss and also for the loss of your relationship. These things are never easy, simple, and there is no cookie cutter method for dealing with miscarriage. One thing I do know, most people handle miscarriage differently, both men and women, and that men handle it differently than women. My then bf now husband was more stoic than me, as he is in most things. But he was my rock of Gibraltar. I remember we came home from the hospital, pulled up to our house, and we were just sitting in the car outside. I started bawling my eyes out. First real emotions I had since the miscarriage. He sat there with me, rubbing my back, saying “let it out, you just let it all out, it is ok!” He was super sad but his way of dealing was to be strong and supportive for me when I needed him the most. Once he got me into the house, he bundled me up and made me cozy and put on our favorite funny movies and just was THERE. His presence was what I needed, he knew it, and it helped me so much. We occasionally get sad, we think “what if?” from time to time. Me probably more than him, but I know occasionally he thinks about it. So yeah, I do believe men handle miscarriage differently. It isn’t that their grief or sadness is less, it is just different for the obvious reasons (we actually carry the baby, our hormones are going wild, etc.) I also think sometimes they say things that are a bit stupid or thoughtless, but mean well (ie. Your ex saying “well you know you can get pregnant now” or when they say “we can just try again”)

Reply

[-]

Trentdison@reddit

Went through that a few times. It was initially upsetting, but a healthcare professional explained it is very common. My logical head understood this, and so I was able to move on very quickly. My partner was devastated like you were/are. Of course, you were carrying that pregnancy, it was a part of you. To me, it was not much more than two lines on a pregnancy test at that point. Lets try again, bonus, that's fun too. But I understood why it was so upsetting for my partner and so supported them. As I say this happened a few times and she started to lose hope. But through the whole time she was trying to run it like a military operation, tracking ovulation, all that jazz. As soon as she gave up, and stopped all that nonsense, and just had sex, we started a successful pregnancy.

Reply

[-]

-Po-Tay-Toes-@reddit

It's grief, everyone deals with that in their own way. I haven't dealt with that, and don't want children anyway. But from my male perspective, if my wife and I were dealing with that, then I'd probably be the strong one for her, yes I would show emotion, but I'd be tempered. As a male as well, my hormones wouldn't be absolutely fucked up, that likely plays a part. I'd also imagine it being different depending on how far along you are, I might be wrong but I'd imagine a miscarriage at 2 months would be vastly different (emotionally and physically) to one at 8 months.

Reply

[-]

CartographerWhich743@reddit

Lost twins. Fucking broke me. Remember drinking at the pub on my own then going to my parents house (not sure why, probably some childish emotional / protection need) and just fell apart on their kitchen floor. It wrecked my relationship with my girlfriend. All I ever wanted was children. Not happened for me.

Reply

[-]

Ingoodkilter@reddit (OP)

I’m so sorry. That’s utterly shit. 🖤

Reply

[-]

CartographerWhich743@reddit

I should add that we tried to be together after but it was almost like she felt she couldn’t be deserving of me / I deserved better, that it was her fault. She messaged other people - old friends / partners. Didn’t do anything (I don’t think) but needed so form of escape and to punish herself. I just wanted to wrap her up in a cuddle, protect her and help her heal. Luckily we are friends now, 6 years later.

Reply

[-]

BrieflyVerbose@reddit

There's gonna be people that don't like this reply. But I'm going to be as honest as I possibly can from my own point of view. As with anything, there are going to be men that share the same experience as me and there will be men that do not. I'll try not to waffle too much... When my girlfriend was pregnant with my son, I wasn't fully invested in the situation until he was right there in front of me. It took for me to physically see him and hold him before I kinda locked into the whole situation if that makes any sense? I've mentioned this before and some people (it seemed mostly women) found that a little sad, that I wasn't invested in the situation anywhere near as much as my girlfriend was. But to me it made perfect sense despite being 9 months into a pregnancy. It was my girlfriend that was dealing with everything up until that point, it wasn't me. She was the one that had her body and her hormones change, she was the one that was throwing up constantly, and not sleeping from being uncomfortable, or having her stomach turn from a random smell. She's the one that had to deal with all the emotions of every moment in those 9 months... not me. My investment just wasn't there. We had sex, I turned up to a handful of appointments, I made sure my girlfriend was as comfortable as possible and I did a little bit of DIY and painting about 6/7 months in. That's it. That's my whole experience up until that point. Piss easy, pregnancy is a fucking doddle from my point of view at this point and that's after 9 months of it. It was my time to step up when he was here. That's when things started to feel real for me. The reason I'm bringing this up is because we never lost a pregnancy before it reached full term, but it puts our positions into perspective relative to each other during the pregnancy. If we were unlucky enough to miscarry, I obviously would be devastated. But nowhere near to the extent my girlfriend would have been. She had far more investment into that situation than I ever did. She's the one going through it more than me so it's obvious to me she would struggle more. It would also be my job in that situation to look after my girlfriend and be active, not mope around and be the strong one. Yes, I would be gutted but I would get on with it as that's what I have to do. I am a tough man when it comes to emotion. Right now is the perfect example: I've just found out my Dad has stage 4 cancer, I've had one or two evenings crying into my girlfriend's arms and now I have to get shit done. He's trying to decorate and move into a new house. There's a shit ton of heavy and hard work to get done, I haven't got time to be upset. I've got to suck it up and get on with things otherwise he's not going to be able to move in. I probably also throw myself into being as useful as I can to take my mind off things. So from my point of view, just because the man hasn't reacted in a way which the woman was expecting doesn't make the situation sound as bad as it is as things are always more nuanced than what they seem on the surface. If I lost my son now then I'd probably end myself, but if we're only 12 weeks (for example, I just picked a random time) into a pregnancy we've only known about for two months with barely a bump showing and I haven't had the chance to acclimatise to the situation; even though I would be sad, but I'd get over it. If that's what happened I'd be more worried about my girlfriend being okay both physically and mentally than anything else in that moment. She would obviously be the one that suffers more in the moment and it would be my job to look after her. I hope this makes sense, I'm not the best writer but hopefully I've given enough information to represent what I actually mean. I've no doubt written something wrong or would be interpreted in a way in which I didn't mean because this is Reddit and that's what happens. But I feel I can offer a different perspective because I'm a little bit emotionally tough (or retarded, who knows?), but at least there's some kind of explanation.

Reply

[-]

thatcambridgebird@reddit

This makes sense to me, from the perspective of my other half saying basically the same thing. He’s an amazing dad, he loves our two kids to bits and would do anything for them, and they idolise him in return, but he just didn’t feel like “dad” until they were right there in front of him, so I get your point of view. And I absolutely never begrudged him for it or thought he was being cold, or odd in any way.

Reply

[-]

BrieflyVerbose@reddit

Don't get me wrong I had a bit of excitement every now and again throughout the pregnancy, but not as much as I'd like. I loved the scans because they involved me. Seeing the heart beat in the first scan, and in the second scan I instantly recognised it was a boy and shouted "BALLS!" while pointing at the screen! We were also gifted a 3D scan and I loved that also. That was it really, I followed her to all other appointments (and there were a few) and it was like I was invisible, I actually didn't need to be there at all and felt left out a lot. But it is what it is isn't it, I'm not important at that point. But that probably wouldn't have helped in terms of making me feel more involved or attached. But it literally hit me like a ton of bricks the moment he was put on his mother's chest. I know it sounds a bit cliché but that's exactly what happened, I was going to make a joke about the shape of his cone head but couldn't get my words out and I just stood there crying instead (and it's really difficult to make me cry, it doesn't happen often at all)!

Reply

[-]

windy_on_the_hill@reddit

There are charities to support mothers, fathers and other affected by the loss of a baby. Sands.org.uk is one. This includes specific support for dads. Support is offered in different ways to suit the individual. It's good to talk. You don't need to do it face to face. They even have football teams for men who prefer the company and activity, rather than traditional support.

Reply

[-]

Ingoodkilter@reddit (OP)

That sounds good. Thank you!

Reply

[-]

Shadakthehunter@reddit

My wife suffered 5 miscarriages. I was devastated by each one, but she suffered so much that me falling apart too would have felt selfish.I am glad that when she needed me the most, I was there for her. We are doing well now, though even now we tend to refuse invitations to christenings, baby showers, etc.. Our priorities have shifted, and we are resigned to not having children of our own. I still have the first scans of each pregnancy ( I don't know why I kept them), but I don't think she knows.

Reply

[-]

Ingoodkilter@reddit (OP)

So sorry for your loss. Have you heard that you can request a death certificate through the gov website? I received mine yesterday and I did crumble. But I’ve got a bit of comfort from it and feel like it definitely happened and I definitely did carry a child

Reply

[-]

Shadakthehunter@reddit

Thank you. I don't feel the need for death certificates now. I am at peace with it for the most part.

Reply

[-]

martin10002@reddit

It was really hard. It happened during covid so I had to wait in the car while my wife was at her lowest point without to hold her and tell her that it wasn't her fault. This was probably the hardest thing in fact, but we both grieved for our loss. I think its inherently much more difficult for the woman - physically obviously, changes in hormones and the fact that you're losing a baby that's been growing inside you - without doubt a bigger connection. But I reflect regularly about who the little baby would have become and what might have been and it's hard. Thankfully we now have two little sprogs and we recognise that we're very lucky compared to some.

Reply

[-]

subbiedavie@reddit

I’m lucky it never happened with us but I would like to think most men would be supportive and also devastated. If it is the key reason for him leaving, he is an absolute arsehole and I’m truly sorry to hear what you have gone through. Im guessing reaching out to your previous partner/ friend was more as a result of emotional neglect and loneliness.

Reply

[-]

Ingoodkilter@reddit (OP)

I don’t think he knew he was neglecting my feelings. He’s not a bad person. I just felt as though he moved forward whilst I was still struggling with the loss. Thank you for your comment

Reply

[-]

officebuyer@reddit

and you didn't neglect his feelings when you sought ~~cock~~ 'escapism' elsewhere?

Reply

[-]

subbiedavie@reddit

Oh I see. Sorry if I was too harsh on him. I’m guessing different men would react in different ways.

Reply

[-]

Ingoodkilter@reddit (OP)

Not at all. Your comment was still helpful to me x

Reply

[-]

subbiedavie@reddit

Great. Best of luck for the future.

Reply

[-]

Gungadin34@reddit

I am still feeling to impact from it today (7 months later). We did not want a baby, but when we found out, it was like my life suddenly had a purpose. I quit weed, I started studying again, I was putting in 110% effort to my life, trying to get everything in order for the day the baby comes. That day never came. At first, I felt this relief ... that thing that had caused me so much stress over the last couple of months now wasn't there. But that sense of purpose I once felt was totally ripped away in an instant. My life went back to base level; meaningless. Started smoking again, stopped studying, stopped trying with anything. My partner was devastated. She felt much the same way you did and me being an emotionally unintelligent male made it much harder for her. I couldn't really express myself to her and she felt like she couldn't express herself to me because my attitude to the whole thing was superficially blasé. There have been positives from this, we communicate much better now. When we finally sat down and she confronted me about my nonchalance, it all came out and since that point I've been more open with her about my feelings which has had a tremendously positive impact on our relationship. There are still days that go by where I can't help but think of what could have been, the intensity of that feeling has increased as we approach the due date.

Reply

[-]

Delicious_Bag1209@reddit

Your life isn’t meaningless mate

Reply

[-]

ElementCT@reddit

My wife and I lost our little boy at 18 weeks pregnant, about 7 weeks ago. Definitely the hardest thing we've ever had to go through. I have coped in a similar manner, getting on with as much as I can in the house as it is something I can actually do to help her. I struggle with showing emotions too and have used a similar line in conversation with my wife, but in a more "Hey at least..." casual way when the context has been appropriate. For me, it's realising that it is our loss, not mine or hers. We are in this together and so we must do what we can to help each other. A massive part of that is communication, which can be very difficult for some couples and come more naturally to others. I am just so fortunate to have my wife who encourages me to speak more and process.

Reply

[-]

Ingoodkilter@reddit (OP)

I’m so sorry for your loss :( I hope you continue to support each other in this difficult time. 🖤

Reply

[-]

MagnumProject@reddit

My wife had a miscarriage and it absolutely did seriously affect me emotionally (as a male) but i expect in a different way. I think the hormone and other chemical changes that must happen in the female body during a miscarriage will lead to a more extreme reaction, even if emotionally both partners may be equally invested mentally in having a baby. My wife and I had previously been through numerous rounds of failed IVF which had been equally traumatic but probably prepared us well for having to deal with a miscarriage. Whilst it was difficult to know what to say, my wife was pretty pragmatic about the whole thing. It was fairly early in the pregnancy and we came to the conclusion that the miscarriage was her bodies way of ensuring an unhealthy baby with potentially life impacting defects was not born. Whilst that may not be true it definitely gave us both comfort. For both partners overcoming something as emotional as a miscarriage takes time and different people take different times. Its important to read the signs, support where you can, offering to talk through it or not mention it for a while - whatever it takes. It may be that you subconsciously thought your previous partner would react in a way that was more what you needed, rather than your partner at the time. Im sorry you had such a difficult time but fingers crossed you find someone that can support you better emotionally in the future.

Reply

[-]

Thatresolves@reddit

It’ll have impacted him too but unlikely anyone cared about his feelings at the time so he’ll have bottled it up and looked unfeeling because that’s what he’s “supposed” to do.

Reply

[-]

Ingoodkilter@reddit (OP)

I did

Reply

[-]

Thatresolves@reddit

I know, I meant others When one of my friends was in this situation he told me I was the only person who asked how he was doing and I think I only asked because I was too awkward to know what to say. He never forgot that though.

Reply

[-]

Breaking-Dad-@reddit

My wife and I met when I was separated from my first wife. I was still a bit confused and she got pregnant but we weren't ready as a couple. We had a termination. A couple of years later we were together and in a better place. We were very excited when she got pregnant again (we were already in our forties) but we lost the baby. To a degree I don't know how much this affected my wife which is sad. I, like a lot of men, internalised a lot of my feelings. We did talk about it but looking back it feels like we didn't talk that much. But everyone copes in different ways. Every now and then the termination would haunt me but at that time we weren't ready, and I know that it would've put a huge strain on our relationship. We never got pregnant again but we have since adopted two lovely girls and are happy with our family. Life has a funny way of throwing these things at you but you have the opportunity to change things yourself. Don't dwell too much on the past.

Reply

[-]

ForgiveSomeone@reddit

This one brought a tear to my eye. I'm glad to read you ended up with the family you and your wife wanted.

Reply

[-]

Sad-Garage-2642@reddit

Happened twice. It felt very strange. They both happened before 12 weeks, and during very much planned pregnancies. I never saw the "baby" on a scan, never felt anything different in my body. Aside from my wife telling me she was pregnant, from my perspective I hadn't lost anything. I found myself mourning the *potential* of what would have been - a life with my child. This felt a little bit silly Naturally my wife felt it much more than I did, it really took a toll on her mental health for months. But it didn't affect our relationship, we dealt with it together as a team. And we're oh so grateful that on the third try we were successful and now have a small version of me running around the house

Reply

[-]

BoringWardrobe@reddit

We've had two miscarriages, and currently in the early stages of a third pregnancy. My partner said the other day that he has coped with our miscarriages by not really thinking of the losses as individual babies - and really, there was never a time that we got to see anything that looked like a baby before our losses. We've had two scans in this pregnancy and it's just called 'blobling', because really that's all we've been able to see. In the last pregnancy we referred to it as a 'sapling'. It was the promise of a baby. It didn't look or feel like a baby yet. Whilst each pregnancy has been a unique experience for me, because of the variation in physical symptoms, for him both were the same loss - of a potential first baby for us. I've had to deal with the physical trauma of medication, surgery, bleeding and cramping and being retraumatised every month on my period to a certain degree. But for him, those losses could just be a delay in the arrival of our baby, and the hope for that in the future hasn't gone yet.

Reply

[-]

slimpipkins@reddit

I think miscarriage can be one of many catalysts for a break up. But I'd say not a cause. Just kind of reveals the true strength of the relationship and peoples true limitations within it. Hardship like that and other instances like financial hardship, stress, domestic workloads, COVID lockdowns, in-laws, parenting etc all TEST the relationship that already exists and how much you've both really worked on it. If you're in a truly healthy, enriching, well-developed and trusting relationship, you should have both developed the emotional vulnerability, trust and communication/repair skills to navigate almost anything. It's always down to how one or both people chose to deal with those difficult experiences, whether they navigated as a team or grew disconnected. And the latter is always caused by one or both people not being good at either or a combination of emotional vulnerability, honesty or compassionate communication. My miscarriage brought us closer together, even if we experienced it differently. We knew to hold space of our differences and to not dismiss the others feelings because we aren't in the same place. And we communicated openly about it all the way through. Same for any challenges in life. If you can't do this well then there's plenty of obstacles that will lead to breaking up, the relationship won't last - at least not with both parties being able to live authenticly and feeling respected and safe.

Reply

[-]

polycat28@reddit

Im a queer women and my lover (she had a boyfriend but was cheating on him with me) she got pregnant and i asked her marry me and leave him, she then miscarried at week 11 1 days before her 12 week scan. I felt relieved, as i felt so much anger at her for refusing me when I offered marriage and to be a parent to her (our) child. So when her pregnancy ended i felt happy that i would get her again the way i was having her before. I was so selfish I know. But seing her with him was killing me inside. This was when i was i in my 20s now in my 30s i wouldn’t fall in love and have an affair with a person in a relationship or married (unless it was polyamory)

Reply

[-]

Shep_vas_Normandy@reddit

How far along were you? I just want to say that depression is completely normal after a miscarriage. I lost at about 12 weeks and pregnancy hormones plus depression sent me spiralling. I watched my now ex kind of close off, part of me was angry about that, everything pissed me off. I was so angry all the time, I started to sleep in the other room, I couldn’t even do laundry I just slept next to a pile of dirty clothes every night. I refused to believe I was going through depression, but now I know I was. Everyone reacts different and has a right to react and feel how they feel. Everyone copes differently. I would say miscarriages can sometimes destroy marriages. I had a few at the time and the last one was just so far along that we had heard a heart beat, so it wrecked me.

Reply

[-]

Ingoodkilter@reddit (OP)

Thanks for sharing. I was also 12 weeks and preparing to reveal the news to close friends and family. It was earth shattering. I too didn’t have the energy to do anything. I went back to work the next day and then realised that I wasn’t ok. Depression at its finest. I did something similar in that I was just not taking care of myself. I didn’t care if my bed wasn’t clean, didn’t have the energy to care about much at all! I’m sorry you went through this. Sending lots of love

Reply

[-]

Shep_vas_Normandy@reddit

I’m sorry for what you went through too. I did eventually have a baby. Ironically I didn’t find out out until 26 weeks and that was good thing because it meant I couldn’t close off and be afraid of a miscarriage for long. Otherwise I would have just refused to believe that one would stick. By the first ultrasound she was a full baby! There were a lot of things wrong with our marriage and in hindsight it was best we ended it, but I know it doesn’t feel like that in the moment.

Reply

[-]

Ingoodkilter@reddit (OP)

I’m so glad you had your happy moment, and that you avoided the stress of the first 3 months! Xx

Reply

[-]

miz_moon@reddit

It’s not ‘escapism’ it’s cheating

Reply

[-]

Ingoodkilter@reddit (OP)

I’m aware, but thanks for confirming :)

Reply

[-]

equatorsion@reddit

I am a woman and have never been pregnant. I am really rational and at this point I strongly believe (without experience) that I would focus on my health, wellbeing and moving forward. A lot of the pain from miscarriage comes from the fact that it is a taboo. Around 10 to 20% of pregnancies end up with one and I am well aware of this. Therefore, I would try to not put too much emphasis on one failure and just try again. I believe one miscariage would be a short setback, but not a catastrophy. Embryo is not yet a baby and nothing is sure until you hold the baby in your hands. So probably I have a similar opinion to your partner - I am emotional about some things but also really realistic and rational about other things. If there is a scientific explanation, then I accept the fate and move on as there is no point dwelling in pain. Miscarriage is normal, it should be perceived as such - biology is complicated and does not work 100%. Of course, the situation is different if you are trying for a baby for a long long time or if you have repeated miscarriages. Then it definitely is a reason to be upset, pissed off and overall emotional. I would be angry at the whole world in this situation. From the point of view of my partner - I am more important than the theoretical baby. He would be upset that I am upset but would be worried about my health, not the baby that does not exist.

Reply

[-]

Turbantastic@reddit

I agree with you. I wasn't in the same situation as OP but my ex had a miscarriage. We weren't together long and we were young, close to 20 years ago now (I feel old as fuck just typing that!). We split up and went our separate ways, randomly I bumped into her on a night out about 6 or so months later. She tells me she had been pregnant, it was mine and she had a miscarriage. I knew none of this and probably never would if I hadn't bumped into her randomly that night. Answering honestly, I felt nothing but relief and that I had lucked out big time, it was a clump of cells and I certainly didn't want any sort of ties to her. I've not thought about it much in the close to 20 years since it happened until recently, nothing has changed in that time, I still feel the same and can only imagine how much worse my life would have been had it not happened.

Reply

[-]

charletteswebb@reddit

Respectfully, it’s probably not helpful to speculate on how you would react to a miscarriage if you have not experienced pregnancy or pregnancy loss. Many people respond to grief in ways they would not expect.

Reply

[-]

equatorsion@reddit

That's why I am adding my stance, as men might react similarly to me and perceive the situation like this. They also do not go through the miscarriage physically but have some kind of opinion on it and some feelings about it. It might not be the same for all of us and that's where the problems arise. I think it is better to consider all opinions and understand that everyone sees it differently.

Reply

[-]

charletteswebb@reddit

OP is asking about men who have experienced miscarriage, as fathers and partners, I don’t agree that it is equivalent to someone who has not experienced it at all

Reply

[-]

Healey_Dell@reddit

I can honestly say may own attitude was 'ah shit, well that's life', which is of course easy for a male to say, but by the same token what could I do beyond giving my partner the sympathy and reassurance she needed? Nothing was going to change the outcome. That might sound rather cold and logical to some, but it was the truth. All that said, was first trimester which is very common and certainly much easier to deal with than a late miscarriage. Alot of people aren't aware how common miscarriages actually are (10-20%) so they arguably cause more pain and shame than they should.

Reply

[-]

Just_Information_282@reddit

Yes, my first marriage ended after I had a miscarriage and my then husband was utterly underwhelmed but I was devastated. We had a child already and the birth was traumatic, our child was born very unwell, and I had suffered with postnatal PTSI for a long while after (until I had EMDR). I found the miscarriage reopened so many wounds but he couldn’t have been less bothered as ‘it wasn’t a real baby yet anyway’ and ‘we already have one’. I found the loss of the future you planned for and so wanted, but will never have, is a heavy one to carry alone. The miscarriage was complicated, physically, and I had to have surgery. Then husband didn’t come to the hospital that day, instead going to work, and didn’t bring our child to visit me at all despite me desperately needing to be with them and being very unwell (there was a low but present risk to my life). Our marriage limped on for a further 9 months but I could never love him again after that. I found a new relationship with my now husband, I have had several subsequent miscarriages and understand now how a loving and supportive partner and a hopeful prospective father feels about baby loss. He was, and still is, as affected by our losses as I am but we have worked through our pain, together. I won’t judge your behaviour with your ex but I will say for whatever reason, I feel it’s best for you that that relationship ended. Finally, I am sorry for your loss. Please seek counselling. It can really help.

Reply

[-]

Ingoodkilter@reddit (OP)

Thank you for your response and I’m sorry for your losses. I am seeking counselling which I should be receiving with the next couple of weeks. Thank you so much x

Reply

[-]

Just_Information_282@reddit

I wish you all the best for the future x

Reply

[-]

HmNotToday1308@reddit

I've had 11 miscarriages, last being two weeks ago at 12 weeks. They've affected him differently, definitely. He did/does the whole we'll try again, at least you can get pregnant speil too because it's really not the same for him. He really doesn't view it as a baby whereas I do. 6 years ago I had an ectopic and we had a huge fight over how I "wanted this". Those words damaged our relationship irrevocably. Things will never quite be the same and we both know it. He's asked if we can ever go back to the way we were and I asked him if he could take back being an absolute douchbag when I desperately needed him? Nope.

Reply

[-]

Ingoodkilter@reddit (OP)

I’m so sorry for your loss. That sounds absolutely horrendous. Be kind to yourself 🖤

Reply

[-]

JanuaryGrace@reddit

I recently had an ectopic pregnancy and felt like my partner wasn’t overly upset/bothered by it. He just kept saying it’ll be fine, and that I’d be ok. I felt like he was downplaying it. I asked him about it, and he said his feelings came secondary to what I was going through and he didn’t want to ‘burden’ me with them, and that he kept saying I’d be ok to try and reassure me. We both deal with our emotions very differently, and for him he was trying to be there for me and deal with his own feelings of loss, while not adding more to my plate. It isn’t how I would have dealt with it- I’m very much a shared, but it doesn’t mean it was wrong.

Reply

[-]

QuasarCollision@reddit

I was heartbroken when we lost our baby. It was very early, about 12 weeks. But still very hard for my wife and I. The next year we had our son. 16 years later I still cry when I think of the little one that we lost.

Reply

[-]

edmund_blackadder@reddit

The emotions didn’t hit me a lot later, after we’ve had a lovely boy. It was when we were discussing if we were going to have a second. I felt as if our was born was our second. I planted a tree in the garden in memory of our first pregnancy. I think I was so focussed on supporting my other half that I didn’t process my grief immediately. Miscarriages are so common (1 in 4 pregnancies) but culturally men aren’t exposed to it. I just didn’t know what I should feel and how to process it. It was my first experience with grief and my brain just hid it. It was later after holding my kids and experiencing all those emotions that the damn broke.

Reply

[-]

pringellover9553@reddit

I think it’s not surprising the relationship broke down based on his reaction. Whether he was hiding his emotions and not dealing with it, or genuinely wasnt affected I’m not sure, but the way he responded to you absolutely sucks. Losing a wanted pregnancy is devastating and incredibly hard to deal with. You’re dealing with grief of losing someone you never actually knew, but was inside you and growing and was going to be **your baby**. You should have been met with love and care and tenderness, and instead you were dismissed. I’m so sorry you went through this, and that your partner wasnt supportive. I hope you are healing and I’m sure the future holds better for you ❤️

Reply

[-]

Spazhazzard@reddit

4 years into hoping for our first we got the first positive test and my wife and I were overjoyed, ten days later she got horrendous cramps and a follow up test showed a negative result and she had cramps and bleeding for two days. We were both devastated by it, but I had to try and hold it together while she wasn't able to.

Reply

[-]

New-Relationship1772@reddit

I'll try and explain why I think guys appear less affected: My other half has very low AMH, she's 30 but has the AMH of a 45 year old. She's also a very high strung careerist in finance whilst also being very soft at home, loves animals, mothers them massively. Would really prefer to own a farm and be surrounded by critters etc. We spent 30k on IVF because the NHS won't pay for her to get it as her AMH is so low. So far, we've got two embryos from two rounds. 0 from the first one and two from the last one. However, hilariously - just after the second round of IVF we decided to go camping to try and forget the whole experience and the dawning realisation that we needed to spend 100k for her to get enough viable embryos to have a high certainty of her having one child. Well, now she's fucking pregnant naturally - the IVF clinic think it was the combination of her basically being kick-started by all the hormones during treatment and the lack of stress by taking big hiking holiday. If she miscarries, I cannot understand any circumstances show her that I'm upset because then she'll feel like I failed her. Instead I need to dote on her, make her feel loved. I would be fucking shit scared of making her feel like a failure.

Reply

[-]

Far-Register-3617@reddit

Why is this in AskUK?

Reply

[-]

Ingoodkilter@reddit (OP)

Why not?

Reply

[-]

Far-Register-3617@reddit

Because it's a "...Subreddit for Brits and non-Brits to ask questions about life and culture in the United Kingdom."

Reply

[-]

Ingoodkilter@reddit (OP)

Oh, well sorry if it was in the wrong thread. Thankfully people have been helpful. I hope you have a nice day

Reply

[-]

Far-Register-3617@reddit

I'm not trying to be funny and I know it's a sensitive question so not to undermine anything you've spoken about, just pointing it out. You too.

Reply

[-]

Ingoodkilter@reddit (OP)

Yes no worries. Thank you

Reply

[-]

HollyGoLately@reddit

I distinctly remember lying on that hospital bed, absolutely beside myself and in agony. All the awful thoughts going through my head. The absolute pos I was with at the time sat next to me. The only thing he said in that time was “I hope we get out of here in time for dinner at my mother’s house.” I was going through hell and all he could think about was his stomach. I didn’t kick him out of there, I really should have. It took another three years of the only things him caring about being him and his stomach for me to finally loose it with him and walk away. I was seriously depressed the entire time. I doubt this is the usual way men deal with miscarriages, some people just can’t see beyond themselves.

Reply

[-]

carbonvectorstore@reddit

In my (male) case, it wrecked me. But I recovered quickly. Far faster than my wife. I think it's because I had less time off work and had to look after her, so I had to get back on my feet quickly. That could have caused us problems, but she chose to communicate with me and work through it, instead of running away to talk to someone else. She didn't like how quickly I had recovered, but once I explained why I had recovered quickly (my priority was her, not what we lost) we reconnected quickly. Our next attempt worked, and the little bugger is turning 11 soon.

Reply

[-]

poochie4life@reddit

I have had four and my husband was my rock every time. It's heartbreaking and rough, it really damaged the way I saw myself for a while and I was constantly seesawing between being optimistic that next time might be better and in a complete depression that I may never get to be a mum. I also for a little while thought my husband just kinda 'got on with it' but he didn't, he prioritised looking after me, he got me the drinks I like, he picked up pain relief for me, he directed his pain into providing comfort for me. He also didn't get time off work like I did, he had to return to the real world faster than I did. I made sure to check in with him and we had some sad cuddles together, but in the end I think we both processed separately while providing comfort. We talked about if we wanted to 'remember' the losses or if we just move on, we talked about how we would best like to navigate the situation and then just got on with life. We have a 17 month old now and are one happy little family :)

Reply

[-]

AussieDistiller10@reddit

My partner and I experienced a miscarriage a little over 3 years ago after a long road of finding out I was infertile, as well as going down the path of ivf. It absolutely broke me to the point I considered taking my own life. It was my own fault I shut down, wouldn’t talk about and it. She handled like way better than I could ever imagined, and she’s the reason I’m still here. I all but had the noose tied in the garage when 3 of my closest friends turned up. After hours of talking they were the ones that dragged me to a therapist which was extremely daunting at first. But I guess I’m still here to tell this story and we now have a little angel who is about to turn two. My biggest piece of advice for guys is SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP!!! IT AINT WEAK TO SPEAK.

Reply

[-]

Ingoodkilter@reddit (OP)

I’m so sorry it took you there. I went there too and overdosed. You feel so helpless in the moment and I’m so glad you came through it

Reply

[-]

Big_Mad_Al@reddit

I was very upset but my ex was angry at me for being more upset than her, I think it's a really tricky thing to negotiate. It isn't why we broke up, she ran off with another man whilst on a holiday she never returned from, but I digress. I think if the man is not upset enough, or is too upset, then it upsets the woman. No fault or anything, just that the woman's feelings should probably be exactly mirrored if possible as it is definitely a harder and longer process for them.

Reply

[-]

Life-Size7671@reddit

When my girlfriend and I decided to make the decision to terminate the pregnancy at 6 weeks she cheated on me almost immediately - hormones are a very powerful thing

Reply

[-]

OreoDisney13@reddit

My partner was incredible. We’ve had 4 miscarriages and now have a healthy 7 month old boy. The first one I think we were equally devastated but he was solely focused on me and helping me. My body couldn’t get rid of the pregnancy tissue and had to try medical management which didn’t work and then had surgical management. It was awful for me but again my partner was amazing. Once I was better I made sure to ask him how he was doing. He was in bits. The other 3 followed a similar pattern but where I was gutted by all of them, he was less so. I think he’s naturally a bit more pessimistic so just thought all along that they’d end in miscarriage. Do not beat yourself up about this traumatic experience. You unfortunately have to accept and move on. If you’re ever in a position to try again in the future I hope it’s successful.

Reply

[-]

Dax_Thrushbane@reddit

Male here. I held my 26 week old baby in my arms until she was cold - worst day of my life, by a long shot, and I have been though some shit. My wife fell apart. Someone had to be the "rock" to hold us together though - that was me. 20 years later, it's still a painful memory (but not often visited). I feel sad now, but "chin up hey, old bean" ...

Reply

[-]

Beebeeseebee@reddit

> Whilst we spoke about it occasionally, his thinking was “well you know you can get pregnant now”. I found it a bit dismissive of the loss. I can relate to that, because it's the same experience I had with my female partner when she miscarried repeatedly. She couldn't understand why I was upset, only that I might be disappointed that we were back to square one. So I'm saying that it's about a lot more than gender. Sometimes we're conditioned to think that women are more natural carers, or whatever. Sometimes they are - but we're all individuals and we all feel differently about almost everything.

Reply

[-]

Durzo_Blintt@reddit

It didn't bother me at all. I don't want kids, so if anything I was relieved. We used condoms but shit happens. She was gonna keep it so she was upset, but for me it was a relief. I just wish the GP would give me the snip instead of repeatedly telling me I'm too young. Besides condoms I have zero control over what happens and it's bullshit. If I wanted a child, then I would probably be upset too but I'm pretty resilient to loss. I get over things within a few days and that's just how it is.

Reply

[-]

weeble182@reddit

We've had a few. Enough that I can rank them between 'ok ones' and 'bad ones'. The 'ok ones' were early days and I hadn't really let myself get excited, more just sorting out logistics in my head. They made us sad and emotional for a few days but we talked about them and mostly moved on. The 'bad one' resulted in being blue lighted across the city in ambulance because my wife was bleeding so heavily, emergency procedures, three full months of ongoing complications and eventually an induced false labour in attempts to clear the remains out so her body could heal. This is the one I can't move past and has essentially made me not want to try for any more children. I was sad at the time for the loss of a baby, but having to relive it every day for twelve weeks as my wife bled and was in pain sort of focused the grief into worry for her. I don't think there is a right or wrong way for men to process miscarriage. I think it's awful and everyone will handle it differently depending on their own situation. I do think everyone should try and be as kind as possible to all involved though, it's rough

Reply

[-]

Beneficial_Noise_691@reddit

Mate! Big hugs geezer, that is brutal, and the grief/worry thing must have been really hard. Have you had a chance to rant, vent or process properly?

Reply

[-]

Ingoodkilter@reddit (OP)

That sounds horrendous and I’m sorry you’ve had to go through all of that. Thank you for sharing

Reply

[-]

BoredPenslinger@reddit

Well, this is fresh. I'm sitting next to my wife in the EPU as she's being treated for our second miscarriage. This one's ectopic, so more fun is being had. Honestly? I'm gutted. Absolutely bone deep gutted to my core. But it's not about me. I'm not the one being poked, prodded, injected, covered in bruises from blood being taken. I'm not in any physical distress. So my job, as I see it, is to be her support. If that means putting my own physical and emotional needs second, then that's what I signed up for when we got married. I've made bad jokes - "well, at least we know you can get pregnant" - because I know her well enough to know that black humour will help in that moment. When she needs me to shut up and listen, I listen. When she needs me to make her laugh, I do that. At some point, it'll come due for me and I'll have a bit of a wobble but that won't help her now so it'll keep. And when it does happen, she'll have my back. Here's the kicker. What's working for us may not work for everyone or anyone else. There's no right way to handle this. No guidebook. You just have to do what's right for each other. It's like any stress point in a relationship. Bereavement, redundancy, illness. Sometimes they show you're not what each other needs and there's no shame in that. OP, you just learned something you'd have learned later anyway. I'm sorry it happened to you though. It isn't a good experience. For anyone.

Reply

[-]

Ingoodkilter@reddit (OP)

I’m really sorry you’re going through this right now. Sending lots of love and strength to you both. You know her better than I do, but I’d suggest letting her into your emotions. It could make her feel less alone. Stick by her through everything and talk about everything! Even matters you don’t feel relate to the miscarriage. Talk about it, let her know you’re forever present and that you won’t and abandon her. I’m sure you have this covered anyway!

Reply

[-]

1968Bladerunner@reddit

My ex & I went through 3 miscarriages before our eldest was born in 2000. While there was certainly grief on my behalf, I was more practical - being that much older & well used to dealing with life events on my own - so was more concerned with taking care of my partner's health & state of mind. They only bought us closer, though we were better prepared & more resigned that it might happen after the first. My ex then changed her job - she'd been in a supermarket bakery, lifting boxes, in & out of freezers, etc. & moved to the checkouts... voila pregnant again & went to term. Our breakup didn't occur until 8 years after but it was due to her cheating & the loss of trust it engendered.

Reply

[-]

barriedalenick@reddit

My wife never had a miscarriage but we had 4 or 5 goes at IVF that failed (plus other fertility treatments). It's different of course but hits the same buttons. My wife had been pumped full of hormones, had some rather unpleasant procedures and endless injections so I figure it hit her very differently to me. Of course I was hugey upset and my wife was in a bad place for some time but we tried our hardest to work it out as a unit. I can honestly say that it made us better people and a better couple even though they were some tough, raw years. I guess miscarriage is similar in that the woman is the one with the bodily changes that can affect you massively in both physical and mental ways. However there is no reason why it should cause a break up if you are committed and connected to each other. I am not judging you in any way and if you were my partner I think I would have brushed the whole messaging thing off after a decent sulk.

Reply

[-]

Ingoodkilter@reddit (OP)

Thanks so much. I felt similarly, but felt that I couldn’t really feel that way because it was me who had done wrong. I’m sorry your journey has been so difficult, but I’m glad you are riding the waves together

Reply

[-]

barriedalenick@reddit

Thanks - it was a long time ago now and we are still rocking each other's worlds!

Reply

[-]

hyper-casual@reddit

Not experienced it myself but a close friend and his partner had a miscarriage and he was obviously devastated but very much presented it in the practical, solution based way that men tend to do and I could see that coming out as 'at least we know we can get pregnant' instead of dwelling on the loss. I think that sort of thing is down to communication between you.

Reply

[-]

Delicious_Bag1209@reddit

I’ve heard women say the “at least you know you can get pregnant” line. I don’t necessarily think it’s a male/ female thing, although woman might have a better idea of the physical feelings of being pregnant. I have been pregnant but cannot imagine what a loss would feel like. My rule is anything that comes after “at least” you should just not say honestly. Sorry for your loss.

Reply

[-]

NarwhalsAreSick@reddit

So when we were together my ex had a miscarriage, we didn't want kids at the time, but it hit me like a ton of bricks. It was also quite a brutal one, lots of bleeding, hospital trips, nights in hospital and prolonged, it was maybe two months from miscarriage to her feeling human. I didn't show any of the stress and sadness I was under, or at least hid it. I probably came off as emotionless at the time, but the last thing I wanted to do was to add to her stress and discomfort by letting her know how affected I was. I didn't want her to feel like a burden or a drian, I just wanted her to be better and happy.

Reply

[-]

Ingoodkilter@reddit (OP)

Thank you. Do you think that was part of the reason you split, or do you think that was dealt with properly?

Reply

[-]

NarwhalsAreSick@reddit

Nope, this was maybe three years ago now, and quite a few things in our lives have changed in that time. I actually think that going through the miscarriage strengthened the relationship in many ways. Looking back on it, I think overall I did the right thing and handled as best I could at the time, there's not a whole lot I'd have done differently. The only thing I'd change is that I would have cried in front of her. At the time I cried on my own in the car or when I was out for a walk. I avoided doing it in front of her because I didn't want to burden her with any extra stress or feelings of guilt. But I think it would have at least shown that I was emotional about it all. The crying was down to a mix of sadness, concern for her and stress from the whole situation, I was just so worried I'd be making her feel worse, and ultimately she was suffering far worse than I was in just about every single way.

Reply

[-]

IAm_Moana@reddit

My baby had no heartbeat at 10 weeks and I took the misoprostol at home, then miscarried in severe pain over an hour throughout which I was crying, shivering and throwing up from the pain. My husband was a great partner and looked so strong through it all but it was only sometime later in couples therapy (two kids in) when he was fully honest about how devastated he really was back then, but felt like he had to keep it in for my sake. I think, people cope differently and for some it might come with a tendency to dismiss their feelings. Unfortunately for the both of us the only thing that helped was getting pregnant again and even then it fucks you up because you’re always scared and thinking the worst.

Reply

[-]

Matt_Moto_93@reddit

It's very different for different people. I have a work colleague who's wife had seven miscarriages between their first and second child. I asked him about this, and he said, for him, he felt like the unborn child was not yet "alive" so it was no loss to him. I found that quite cold, but respected that's how he decided to deal with it. For me, I suffered enormously at the loss of what would have been our first child. I grieved hard, and grieved for a long time - even after our son was born, I still longed for that first, lost, daughter (and in some ways, from time to time, I still do). The loss itself was traumatic and seeing my wife going through so much was incredibly distressing for me; there was nothing I could do to help her, and nothing to be done for our daughter. We have lost another child since, under very different circumstances - termination for medical reasons (neural tube defects resulting in miss-formation of the skull and brain), which I did grieve, but some part of me has not allowed me to feel the pain and distress on the same level as that first loss. I am too busy now, with work and being a parent and a supportive husband. Maybe one day I will find myself broken down in tears, but there is no time right now. OP, I am sorry for your loss. A miscarriage is an awful, heartbreaking thing to have gone through. It is still a loss of life. My sincere condolences but also my absolute best wishes for your future. Your grief is an indication of the sheer abundance of love you have to give, and one day you'll have a child in your arms who is going to be so wrapped up in all of it.

Reply

[-]

CoffeeIgnoramus@reddit

First off, sorry you have had such a horrible experience. No one should or deserves to deal with a miscarriage. I personally haven't experienced that but I've been on the side line of this for some close friends and family who have miscarried or lost kids. It puts a strain on relationships as both parents will likely have some amount of trauma, but deal with it very differently and that can make people feel very alone in the moment. Often the start of minimising the damage is sitting down and discussing what you expected them to react like and then listening to their answer... because often they are just reacting in their own way or trying to be strong while you're down. I've had these conversations with my partner when she would feel I was not bothered or didn't really care for deaths in her family or other incredibly hard times in our life/relationship. The thing was I always did, I just either dealt with it a different way that wasn't visible or was being strong until she could feel "ok" so that I could then let my walls down and crumble. I'm in no way pretending to know how you feel, but I do think talking, therapy and being kind to yourself go some way to helping you feel a bit more human again. But it's hard, it does destroy many. Having a miscarriage or losing a child is not only devastating but can mean that your relationship is forever marked with this horrible memory that you want to get away from. However, they are often also the only people around you who can understand you fully. But therapy or groups can also achieve that. As you've rightly realised your actions also damaged your relationship, I won't jump on it, I just wish you all the best in your future and try to be kind to yourself and take help. Everyone whether traumatised or not takes help, it's not weird or abnormal, it's just people don't speak about it enough.

Reply

[-]

Ingoodkilter@reddit (OP)

Thanks so much for this. A lot of what you’ve said I can relate to

Reply

[-]

Jolly-Bandicoot7162@reddit

I had several miscarriages, both before our first child and before our second. We are still together. I think what helped us was each of us understanding that we were grieving in different ways, occasionally saying or doing things that seemed odd to the other, and trying (really hard sometimes!) not to take it personally. It may have seemed to others that my husband, with his blank expression, didn't really care, but I know that that is when he feels the most. He understood that I needed to talk, and sometimes sit on the kitchen floor and howl, about it was what I needed. I'm so sorry that you had this extra grief on top of losing your baby.

Reply

[-]

Ingoodkilter@reddit (OP)

I’m sorry you went through this. It’s good to know that you had support during this difficult time. I just wish I had been able to speak about it more. Maybe he would’ve reacted differently

Reply

[-]

Zealousideal_Life682@reddit

The comment above explained it quite well, I think everyone processes things differently, you knew your relationship better than anyone else here, sometimes being able to have an open and honest conversation solves a lot of problems, but every relationship is different and some people struggle with doing that for whatever reason. I don’t know if this would help at all, but I think one of the biggest things for this kind of situation is that you were the one pregnant so realistically it’s going to hit you a lot harder. I think he should have maybe understood this without having the conversation between you guys and maybe worked together to keep the relationship healthy. But that’s not to say its his fault or anyone’s fault, overall talking and just being open and honest with both your thoughts and feelings could have made a difference, you never want to build up resentment for someone without trying to talk with them about it. Question though, how long have you guys been apart now?

Reply

[-]

Ingoodkilter@reddit (OP)

We have been apart for about 1 month. It’s all still quite fresh. I do feel that I’m now coping with this alone, although we still speak and it is civil

Reply

[-]

im_at_work_today@reddit

I'm not a man, but I've read often the man feels like he needs to be extra strong and supportive, and so tries to remove their feelings and emotions - or at least do their best to not show it for their partner. You know him best, is that something he could have been doing? Also, I do understand his thinking of "let's try for another baby", I think that's a common thought.

Reply

[-]

Aspect-Unusual@reddit

I think I was as devistated almost as much as my wife was, but thats the bitch of personal experience you can't know for sure because you didn't experience it how they did and through their eyes, plus I never had to go through the physical side of things which is sure to compound the torture of losing a baby. The miscarriage happened nearly 3 years ago, I feel like we were able to deal with our feelings and emotions a bit better than most couples as we communicated with each other due to how my wife dealt with her feelings. Shes a music producer and she channeled her feelings into making a track and she roped me into giving input into its production so me and her both ended up channeling our grief into it and we sorta used the song to tell the story of what we felt/feel when it all happened. I honestly think doing that together helped us stick togethe through the trauma and kept us communicating with each other

Reply

[-]

Ingoodkilter@reddit (OP)

Thank you for your comment. I’m glad you found a way to communicate through music and I am sorry for your loss

Reply

[-]

Aspect-Unusual@reddit

The same goes for you, I'm sorry for your loss to and it goes without saying you're brave for posting and I really wish the best for you in the future.

Reply

[-]

MoanyTonyBalony@reddit

When my ex wife had a miscarriage, I didn't give a shit about the pregnancy because all my concern was for her but it was very early on so while she was disappointed, she wasn't anywhere near as upset as I expected. She was pregnant again within a month and he's almost 12 now. Even if it had been at 9 months, my priority would have been her feelings and trying to do my best for her. I'd try and be strong when she needed that and cry with her when she needed a cry but I'd probably get it wrong even doing my best because I'm not great with emotional people.

Reply

[-]

Ingoodkilter@reddit (OP)

Thank you for this. It’s an interesting way of looking at it.

Reply

[-]

AutoModerator@reddit

**Please help keep AskUK welcoming!** - Top-level comments to the OP must contain **genuine efforts to answer the question**. No jokes, judgements, etc. - **Don't be a dick** to each other. If getting heated, just block and move on. - This is a strictly **no-politics** subreddit! Please help us by reporting comments that break these rules. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AskUK) if you have any questions or concerns.*

Reply