Stupid one liners everyone should know

Several of these are from Mitch Hedberg. If you've never seen his act, you should totally check him out. (NSFW: As with most comedy, not all his material would be safe for the workplace)

[-]

fluk3@reddit

OP's is a Tim Vine joke and I've seen a few Milton Jones jokes in here too. Both good one liner comedians.

[-]

DaphniaDuck@reddit

I said to my wife, at the top of the stairs "My, you look slinky tonight!"

[-]

deleted_by_reddit@reddit

I've decided to start taking something for my kleptomania.

[-]

positive_electron42@reddit

It's really hard to tell jokes to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally!

[-]

Tytan777@reddit

I saw a klepto comedian once. He stole the show

[-]

Immediate_Breath_452@reddit

if you grabbed a Chinese man and spun him around ten times fast, would it disorient him

[-]

imtherealmellowone@reddit

I got rid of my vacuum cleaner. It really sucked.

[-]

gretzky9999@reddit

-Now I know why Tigers eat there young

-Let’s settle this in the bathroom & I’ll show you how small you really are

-My wife’s the worst cook in the world We have the only kitchen where the roaches hang themselves

-The other night my wife told me to take out the garbage,I said you cooked it,you take it out

-

[-]

tingalls@reddit

Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay they'd be bagels!!!!

[-]

anonablous@reddit

there's a vas deferens between being single and parenthood.

[-]

dutchovenmywife@reddit

I was so poor as a kid, if I wasn't born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with. Rodney Dangerfield

[-]

Deweyordeweynot@reddit

I was so lonely, my dad had to tie a pork chop around my neck so the dog would play with me. -Rodney Dangerfield

[-]

Educational_Cake_865@reddit

a Vegan said to me "people who sell meat are disgusting" I said "people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer."

[-]

cairnip@reddit

I got kicked out of my sisters house for tickling my nephews feet!!! Apparently you have to wait until there born nowadays.

[-]

Some good ones: “I’m not saying I’m the chosen one..but the prophecy did wink at me.” “Whoa, hang on—why is am I glowing? I didn’t pay for the DLC.” “I trained for years to master this technique. Still can’t parallel park.” “Listen, if the power of friendship doesn’t work, I’m switching to the power of petty revenge.” “I didn’t fall from heaven. I tripped over a plot twist.” “Sensei said I have limitless potential. He just didn’t specify what for.” “Villain, your defeat is inevitable—just give me 3 more episodes!” “Sorry I’m late! I got trapped in a flashback sequence.” “My special ability? Avoiding responsibility at shonen-protagonist levels.” “You think you can beat me? Joke’s on you—I’m fueled by ramen & poor life choices.

[-]

Opposite_Teach3797@reddit

My wallet is like an onion. Opening it makes me cry.
I dreamt I was eating a giant marshmallow. This morning, my pillow was gone.
I wanted to buy some Velcro. Total rip-off.
My car’s reverse gear broke, but I’ve got a backup plan.

[-]

Sad_Frosting3921@reddit

A local dairy farmer announced that he was giving up milk production, because his buyers were deeply angered by his perpetual profanity. He agreed that he was really chucking farming…

[-]