Best lines when dealing with telemarketers

Posted by logiatros@reddit | Jokes | View on Reddit | 20 comments

Some of the better ones

City Morgue, you stab 'em, we slab 'em
Mario's Pizzaria and Abortion Clinic, your loss is our sauce, may I take your order?
Roadkill Cafe, you kill it, we grill it
Mort's Mortuary, you slice 'em, we ice 'em
Bob's Back Alley Abortion Parlour, you rape 'em, we scrape 'em, no fetus can beat us

Anyone have more?

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Ace_the_Sergal@reddit

I once put a good time number in the whiteboard in school. The only thing was that the number with it was for the local crisis hotline

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almostagolfer@reddit

Before the days of caller ID, I got a call from the local Arthur Murray's Dance Studio trying to sell me dancing lessons.

I was trying to be polite and not just say, "Hell, no!", but I guess the person on the other end read me differently. She said, "I sense that you are really interested but something is holding you back."

I said, "You are very perceptive. I used to really enjoy dancing. Then I lost my legs in Viet Nam."

Long silence on the other end of the line. Then a quiet, "I'm so sorry. We won't call you again."

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Ace_the_Sergal@reddit

That woman probably cried after that.

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whitesquare@reddit

I like to hear whatever dumb pitch they have for me, and then say "Oh... my... god... !!! That is exactly what I've been looking for, for SO long! Would you be patient for just a moment while I grab my credit card?"

And then I put on some Herb Alpert for 'hold' music and just leave it.

When I am feeling patient/more involved/like an asshole, I will sometimes pause the music and, in my most robotic voice, "Your call is very important to us. Please remain on the line."

I've gotten through like 4 songs with somebody patiently waiting. It's probably a waste of time, but so many people probably just lash into telemarketers that I like to think that just sitting back and listening to silly music has got to be a bit more uplifting for them.

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clara79321@reddit

9 years late but still taking tips

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Responsible-Charge49@reddit

These days, seems like i say anything other than an answer to their question, they hang up. What keeps them going to longest has been this bit from Up in Smoke, assuming you can understand the name they give you... Scammer: "Hello, I'm Jason, how are you today?" ME: "Jason isn't here." Scammer: " No I'm Jason." ME (after a moment of thought) "I'm sorry, Jason isn't here, man". etc. If they skip their lines, reply to any further questions with the same "I'm sorry, Jason isn't here." Doesn't matter that everyone has a cell phone now, still pretend that its 1978, the same way they act like they aren't committing fraud by displaying local numbers.

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seemedlikeagoodplan@reddit

Roger's Baby Crematorium, you shake 'em, we bake 'em

^^I'm ^^an ^^awful ^^person.

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Originalvipers@reddit

Fear not. We all have a seat reserved for us in hell!

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ApprehensiveKick3261@reddit

Yes, but it's going to be one hell of a party don't you know!

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Pretend_Equal_8202@reddit

r/angryupvote

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Relm1-Digi-biceps@reddit

Just ask them “what rhymes with dick?” Then hang up

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tonishta@reddit

Harry's whore house, you got the dough, we got the hoe.

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mrthomasfritz@reddit

Michael's whore house, you try it, you buy it.

Michael's whore house, you pay it, you lay it.

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AdAggressive9528@reddit

Please press 1 to request a written description of this transaction. Press 2 if you are registering for the next seminar. Press 3 to report a telemarketer. Press 4 to hear this menu again. Para Espanol, por favor oprimo siente. Should these fail to help you, please continue to hold, as we greatly appreciate your commitment. Thanks and have a nice day.

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