Can I approach my fiancees ex wife?

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NorthDal@reddit

If trust is a priority in a relationship, transparency matters. If your fiancée is comfortable with you contacting his ex and is fully aware of it, that’s your decision to make. But if your intention was to do it without his knowledge or consent, it seriously undermines your credibility. And being from an “open and warm culture” has nothing to do with it. In fact, acting behind your partner’s back is the opposite of openness and warmth, it’s a lack of transparency and respect.

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Early-Strike-2185@reddit (OP)

Thank you for not assuming this would be done in secret.

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NorthDal@reddit

There was absolutely nothing in your lengthy post that suggested otherwise.

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nottthinginteresting@reddit

I don't think that part of the story would change anything.

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Otherwise-Lecture-98@reddit

My hungarian mom is friend on facebook w every misstresses my father ever had.

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FokhagymasTejfolos@reddit

>I don't know if it's acceptable in Hungary or not. In what country would this be acceptable? No, it is not.

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Early-Strike-2185@reddit (OP)

Please be more open minded. I also thought it was rude in every culture to stare at people, but in Hungary it's the norm

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No_Quiet836@reddit

Calling you crazy is not a cultural thing. Try this post in any other country and see the comments. Try it in your own warm and social culture. Also: not massage, but MESSAGE.

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nottthinginteresting@reddit

Why do you care so much? What answer would you expect from the ex? If you already think about being "more careful" then I don't think this marriage is going to work for long. And I cannot imagine a culture where it's acceptable to go behind your partners' back to find out information from someone who betrayed him before.

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Express-Welcome-2517@reddit

Where are you from? I don't know of a single country where this kind of behavior would be acceptable.

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Kiscsirkezizi@reddit

Yeah sure, i think she will be fine if you massage her

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Jokepu@reddit

I am sorry to say that, but this is your red flag. A fucking enormous red flag.

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Infamous-Bed-7535@reddit

I totally get your point. Do not reach out though you would damage the relationship. Altgough if you know his friends, family, you can easily and causually get some side information even without asking weird questions directly.

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vegamama1@reddit

Maybe your fiancé has some friends, relatives, who can light the storiry's different angles. I wouldn't recommend to message the ex.

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ProfessionalOdd6145@reddit

Short answer: Don't do that. The ex is most probably butthurted and how will you know what she tells you is the truth? On the other hand your Fiancé cold be disappointed and angry bc you don't trust him. Trust him and help him to heal..

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Iriome_Zebenzui@reddit

Poor guy, got another leech

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cakesexcpl@reddit

Jobban bízik a crazy ex szavában, mint a pasiéban.. és ez nem egyedi eset, uraim, ilyenkor azért remélem jegyzetelnek önök is, mentálisan, hogy milyenek tudnak lenni a nők, mennyire furcsának tűnhet a logikájuk.. pedig ez kb ugyanaz az eset, mikor a gyűrűt hordó faszi hirtelen érdekesebb lesz számukra, mert pre-vetted, valaki már letesztelte és validálta helyettük. Itt is inkább attól a személytől vár információt, aki a validáló volt, nem a pasinak hisz. Nem tudok különösebben meglepődni ezen.

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lassengem@reddit

Sure, but why would you? If she'll telling a different story, who would you believe? Do you really need this in your life?

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sydridon@reddit

In think it's a good idea. The man listed all the reasons why only the woman is responsible for the divorce. A correct attitude would be to take partial responsibility. I would love to hear the other side of the story.

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Bruce_Limp89@reddit

“ I come from a very warm and social culture” “ I don't even trust my Mother 100% “ Well…

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Quirky_Tomatillo_186@reddit

She can go back to her warm social culture and leave Hungarian men alone.

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Early-Strike-2185@reddit (OP)

I didn't know they all belong to you, must be so difficult juggling them all. Well goodluck with all your men

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skp_005@reddit

No "cultural norms" around this. It's more like: why would you believe the word of someone who is apparently awful? Why would you go behind your partner's back? And similar questions, mentioned by the other commenters. Talk to your partner about any possible concerns, before you get married. Maybe his mother can provide more background info? Does he have siblings you can talk to? All the while don't make it look like you're "snooping around behind his back" -- if you two have trust issues, this won't solve it. I understand the root problem in that you don't have your usual support circle here, and that is a disadvantage. But don't go against the basis of relationships, trust. And yes, even the best man or woman can change and turn into a bad husband or wife, and yes, it usually takes two to tango. This is not culture-specific. All the best.

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Early-Strike-2185@reddit (OP)

Most helpful comment . I really don't think of it as snooping behind his back but I understand you.

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skp_005@reddit

>I really don't think of it as snooping behind his back It's a relationship, both of you have to have trust in the other. You might not think it's behind his back, he might. Don't do something that would cause a rift if it came out. You shouldn't secretly check things, if you have to, there are other problems.

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spowanim@reddit

Just don't do it. If you don't know your partner well enough, then just don't plan a wedding yet.

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lujza_blaha@reddit

This has nothing to do with culture, you should’ve found a man that’s never been married before. That’s what’s bothering you, after all. Good luck

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Which-City7358@reddit

you are the red flag, she will obviously lie

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quietspark_4@reddit

I have zero clue in what culture is this acceptable to be honest, I get coming from a more social and community based culture, but even there I find it hard to believe it is anything remotely normal. But why would you want to? Ain’t no way you are getting the reality from either parties, even if she thinks the opposite (like your fiancee is insane not her) would you believe her? Or would it just cause unnecessary drama in your relationship based on something that may or may not be true.

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Quirky_Tomatillo_186@reddit

Do not try it. If my partner would reach out to any of my exes I'd dump her instantly. That's my past. My exes are completely cut off, they don't need to know anything about my current life. Oh wait, this is exactly the reason why I never talk about any of my exes or at least I never mention who they are. They all remain unknown.

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Salt-Explanation-711@reddit

What information do you hope to gain from this? Do you expect her to just say "oh yeah, I'm a horrible person that no one wants to be with"? I could understand hearing both sides if there was a specific accident and you wanted to piece together the details, but you want to inquire about her general behaviour, which to me seems like a fruitless endeavor.

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Avocadoneverenough@reddit

I mean… massaging her would be weird and inappropriate for sure🙈

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jaya83@reddit

Massaging would be really weird😂

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dotzerodot@reddit

but it could be very nice 😄

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R1as@reddit

What

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yeahboii5@reddit

What an idiotic idea. Don't do it. It will send a message to your husband that your don't trust him, and you wanna know the "truth" from his ex. How would you feel? Also, if she is still mad at him, she can easily fuck up your life by lying something crazy bad about him, which you will never know if it's true or not.

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Cerkalandor69@reddit

How is this specific to Hungary? I don’t think any person would appreciate their partner reaching out to their ex, regardless off ethnicity lmao

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Choad_Warrior@reddit

I think you should reach out; this idea has already formed in your head, so your fiancé should definitely be aware of not to repeat the same mistake twice, because sure as shit his ex-wife will definitely use it to hurt him with this. The others were definitely right: your fiancé definitely has a type. Also, this is not a specifically inappropriate think here, it's just an immense red flag, in general.

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5Z3K1@reddit

If your husband's ex is really crazy, she will tell your husband what you talked about. I wouldn't risk such a confidential matter with a complete stranger. You'd better find a friend who knows both of them and ask him/her.

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Early-Strike-2185@reddit (OP)

Ok thank you

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Repulsive-Pea3537@reddit

Apparently she is having behavioral issues and is very jealous, I doubt she would tell you a story which would convince you that you should marry this man, not because there may be something actually wrong with him, more likely because the ex wife may views you as a competition and wants you to get the ick. Generally, in Hungary exes are not very cooperative with each other, less likely to be cooperative and helpful towards the new SO-s. I think that you have to experience your future husband's nature by yourself, or with the help of his friends, but do not reach out to the ex.

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Early-Strike-2185@reddit (OP)

Thank you

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Integeritis@reddit

Hypothetically, my fiancée’s ex-wife is my enemy. What the fuck would I even want with her. Fuck that bitch, that’s what I’d think. If you love your fiancée you should be furious at the other bitch how she screwed his future dreams

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leon-a-profi@reddit

Maybe you don’t see the red flag because you are the red flag.

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fuckumean1@reddit

Two weirdos in a row, my man definitely has a type

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YourUnclesBalls@reddit

Can I have your soon to be husbans phone number? Id love to have a quich chat with him about his choices in women

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Bracz0@reddit

Why would you marry a man you don't trust? I thought going behind your partners back is unacceptable everywhere.

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supreme_harmony@reddit

Ah yes, asking on Reddit instead of talking to your fiancee. It is particularly alarming that you deliberately want to go behind his back and ask for help on how to get away with it. Please just do the right thing and talk to the man directly. Tell him that you want to know more about his previous relationships and you want to chat with his ex. That is the only honest way to do this, any attempt at going behind his back shows that you do not trust him. If you do not trust him then don't marry him - and he should not marry a woman that collects gossip on him behind his back.

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PublicMenace95@reddit

I’m curious what would you like to gain from messaging your fiancé ex?

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Wonderful_Tone1186@reddit

I mean it's kind of weird to go behind your partner's back and it kinda implies that you don't trust him. She can lie to you, and you would never know. The only question here is why would you wanna marry a guy who you don't even trust?

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Csaba333@reddit

Hi. In Hungary, usually people only reach out to their partner's exes, if their partner is starting to show some red flags, or he/she acts very strange, when this happens, sometimes people reach out to ask if this has happened before, and why? But if your partner is nice, and treating you well, and the ex is not stalking you, messaging her would be strange. But if you feel like you need to ask some questions, be careful, you neve know how the ex would behave, maybe she will try to cause trouble out of jelaousy. Be careful.

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