A man dies and is waiting to be transported to heaven
Posted by Reecethehawk@reddit | Jokes | View on Reddit | 92 comments
He asks Death about what happens next. Death replies "YOU WERE A GOOD MAN ON EARTH , YOU WILL GO TO HEAVEN , WHERE YOU WILL ENJOY ETERNAL YOUTH , YOU CAN DO BASICALLY ANYTHING YOU WANT , ANYTHING YOUR HEART DESIRES ". The man thinks to himself, "that's wonderful", and settles down for the journey.
Death announces that he has to go and speak to St Peter and do the paperwork, so the man is left alone for a while in Death's office.
He thinks to himself about what he wants to do when he gets there, he could eat all of the delicious foods he never got to try on earth, he could drive the best sports cars he could imagine, he could even be a care-free child again.
He lingers on that final thought for a moment, it's so appealing to him to be able to run around, play, be silly, with nobody judging him. He gets excited, and stands up.
Death walks back into the office, just in time to see the man bouncing on the sofa. He asks "WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?" to which the man replies "I'm having the time of my life, or should I say time of my death?" Just as he finishes speaking, the sofa tears open, and the man falls all the way through. Death is furious and screams "DO YOU KNOW HOW EXPENSIVE THAT WAS!? I HAVE TO GO ALL THE WAY BACK TO EARTH NOW TO GET A NEW ONE". The man sheepishly apologises.
Death asks the man to stand up, and they begin their journey to the afterlife. As they arrive, Death says to the man "GO INSIDE, THEY WILL TELL YOU WHAT TO DO FROM HERE". He obliges.
As he walks in, Satan says to the man "Welcome to Hell"
"Hell!?" the man splutters. "But I was told I was going to heaven, there must have been some kind of mistake!“
"Unfortunately that is not the case. You see, in life, you were a good man, however in death, you have behaved recklessly and with no consideration for the reaper cushions."
stas-prze@reddit
I love all the people in here complaining about their precious wasted time. I love me a good long joke with a shitty pun however, so fuck you and take my upvote. Gonna definitely add this one to my repertoire.
kodaharley@reddit
Your reapertoire
BraidSurgeon@reddit
Take my angry upvoter!
FieryAnomaly@reddit
Sounds like a set up for a J.D. Vance joke.
Bronyatsu@reddit
Discworld Death is best Death.
bird-girl@reddit
ᴡʜᴀᴛ ᴄᴀɴ ᴛʜᴇ ʜᴀʀᴠᴇꜱᴛ ʜᴏᴘᴇ ꜰᴏʀ, ɪꜰ ɴᴏᴛ ᴛʜᴇ ᴄᴀʀᴇ ᴏꜰ ᴛʜᴇ ʀᴇᴀᴘᴇʀ ᴍᴀɴ?
champanier@reddit
Yes, yes,yes! My favorite part of my favorite Pratchett book
NoahTheAsmarino@reddit
Which book is it? Is it Mort?
Raddish_Crunch@reddit
The Death of Rats also deserves an honorable mention
tslnox@reddit
SQUEAK?
bird-girl@reddit
ᴡʜᴀᴛ ᴄᴀɴ ᴛʜᴇ ʜᴀʀᴠᴇꜱᴛ ʜᴏᴘᴇ ꜰᴏʀ, ɪꜰ ɴᴏᴛ ᴛʜᴇ ᴄᴀʀᴇ ᴏꜰ ᴛʜᴇ ʀᴇᴀᴘᴇʀ ᴍᴀɴ?
Micotu@reddit
Just finished Guards! Guards! and loved that I immediately recognized his all caps response in one of the scenes and knew some shit was about to go down.
rmfranco@reddit
I still haven’t gotten around to reading Discworld yet, but I used to read Tvtropes and agree just from what I’ve seen in passing.
Numerous_Release9273@reddit
My favorite quote: Red sky at night. City's alight.
jonnyoslowe@reddit
Discworld is great. Read “Mort” if you like to know Discworld’s Death.
WeirdLight9452@reddit
And his sofa is probably hard as stone, just looks like it has cushions because he didn’t quite get the memo about sofas.
praesentibus@reddit
Note to self: whenever there's some weird setup, skip to the stupid pun at the end.
Pkolt@reddit
A youthful porpoise!
dspyz@reddit
That's cheating
Waitsfornoone@reddit
... and no fun.
SassyMcPants@reddit
Better Jake than lever
framspl33n@reddit
The light was on!
WasWawa@reddit
We need a "groan" button.
Still... well played.
MusicMan1115@reddit
This is couched as a morality joke.
Icy-Cap1689@reddit
Just 3 words: Sofa king awful 😉
Relevant-Pound7650@reddit
Doesn’t look good for Vance
Renegadegold@reddit
Sofa king stupid
TrulieJulieB00@reddit
This is a good one. I grinned.
SecretFortune2315@reddit
Nice. I heard a shorter version a while back, if you're like me and can't remember long jokes, feel free to make use:
I should never have challenged Death himself to pillow fight... I was NOT prepared for the reaper cushions!
forbinwasright@reddit
Best version. The punchline in the longer one gets buried in the details.
Ewetootwo@reddit
Until the punchline it was, “ sofa, so good.”
DoookieMaxx@reddit
Sofa king cool
Metboy1970@reddit
This joke was sofa king bad.
ksleepwalker@reddit
It was also streets ahead.
Sofa-King-Done@reddit
But what's done is sofa king done
Stringbean79@reddit
Amen.
Cleyre@reddit
After he chaised after heaven for so longue…
ramtinology91@reddit
Hey, hey, take my upvote
vonhoother@reddit
Go wait in the car. Both of you.
Ewetootwo@reddit
😂; yes Dad.
forbinwasright@reddit
Leave then alone. The meds are wearing off.
SeanArthurCox@reddit
I was expecting it to end with him reincarnated as a dog, playing, sleeping, running, tearing up the couch
___HeyGFY___@reddit
Post this in r/feghoot
RandomGuy197680@reddit
That joke went a long way. For nothing.
turkeypedal@reddit
It's a specific type of joke called a shaggy dog story. There is even an /r/ShaggyDogStories.
MariaKeks@reddit
I think a shaggy dog story strictly speaking ends with an anticlimax. This joke has a punchline in the form of a terrible pun.
SirComplete3507@reddit
There's a word for that: feghoot.
___HeyGFY___@reddit
Specifically, r/feghoot
turkeypedal@reddit
which is an anticlimax.
Joe_T@reddit
It's nothing more than a contrived joke. There should be a subreddit by that name for those people who think these are funny.
turkeypedal@reddit
all jokes are contrived. and it was obviously this kind of joke from the first couple lines.
Apprehensive_lad1960@reddit
Long, butmore 9f a dads joke .... ugh!
Archelon_ischyros@reddit
What’s the punchline?
DukeRedWulf@reddit
It's a pun.
reaper cushions (the cushions on the Reaper's sofa)
repercussions (consequences)
Acceleratio@reddit
Thank you for the clear explanation and not another joke reply.
ramtinology91@reddit
Oh my goodness
davorocks67@reddit
That was just way too long for the corny ending
Embarrassed-Cap-4225@reddit
Tom Cruise is dead?
Round-Excitement-607@reddit
Too long a walk for me.
Thronfield@reddit
Tldr
Ok_Mammoth_4997@reddit
That punchline was not worth the read.
Quick_Razzmatazz1862@reddit
DAD!!!!
SilentEngineering975@reddit
Moan. Had such promise too.
destr01der@reddit
These kind of jokes make me upset, like I was tricked I to wasting my time.
IsayPoirot@reddit
"Ping Pong balls!?!? I thought you said King Kong balls!"
Waste-Job-3307@reddit
(sigh) Damn! Take my upvote!! LOL
goodypj@reddit
Dum ta dum dum....
heavymetalelf@reddit
A funny joke I've genuinely never heard before. Thanks!
No_Chart7725@reddit
I am “Sofa”ring here 😈
Great_Horny_Toads@reddit
I demand back the 60 seconds I spent read that.
mr_lab_rat@reddit
That was so bad … 😆
ThoughtGuy79@reddit
This is awful. So long to get to a bad pun.
One of the great dad jokes of all time. I love it.
LopsidedEquipment892@reddit
His wife’s name used to be Poline until she started sleeping around….
gregory92024@reddit
Now, as Sinatra says, the lady is a ...
360walkaway@reddit
Maybe it's just me, but the grim reaper explaining something with "basically" is weird. Like there is some weird technicality he's trying to avoid.
HeathersZen@reddit
OMG. Fuck you. Take my r/angryupvote.
plusFour-minusSeven@reddit
If the joke is only as funny as the inside of a Laffy+Taffy wrapper, then the rest of the joke should be capable of fitting inside that wrapper as well.
dspyz@reddit
When it's short, it's a bad pun. When it's a wall of text, the real joke is on you for being tricked into reading it
Strict_Attorney_1035@reddit
Oh god,that was so bad!
tomconroydublin@reddit
Ouch…
StrainTiny7349@reddit
Furnish me with some humour please.
prone2rants@reddit
I recline to laugh at that joke
Ornac_The_Barbarian@reddit
That was a very long way to go for a groaner. I like it!
BadDadWhy@reddit
New groaner
AE_WILLIAMS@reddit
"How do you think I got here?"
-- Hitler, probably
BrilliantSpray9447@reddit
This gets a grudging upvote.
sbobs56@reddit
Ugh
SkazzK@reddit
Death wouldn't be so petty, he'd just ask Susan to bring some new cushions. Or send Albert out, in a pinch.
Splattered_Smothered@reddit
"...reaper cushions."
Take my upvote. Now get the hell off the stage!
TopVast9800@reddit
Ooooh, horrible! I love it! And someplace, my dad is laughing. ;)
tornait-hashu@reddit
I always knew Oprah was the grim reaper.
MiseryFarmer@reddit
A new one for me. I am most pleased