A man arrives at the office in the morning where several of his co-workers are already chatting next to the coffee machine. He listens to them for a bit, then suddenly asks: "How big are penguins?"
Posted by Aldaron23@reddit | Jokes | View on Reddit | 99 comments
The co-workers stare at him for a second, then one of them says: "I don't know, about 50 or 60cm?"
"Huh", the man says, "I thought they were bigger. Aren't there some really big penguins, too?"
They hear a "harrumph" in the back, when another co-worker stands up, walks up to them and says: "Of course there are! Asking how big penguins are in general is absolutely ridiculous! That's like asking how big dogs are. There are about 20 different kinds of penguins and they vary in size massively!"
"Oh, cool!" says the man, "So what about big penguins?"
The co-worker answers: "The King Penguin is very common and well known. A majestic animal. I watched many documentaries about them and their social behavoiur is fascinating! They are about 90cm tall and weigh up to 15kg, but some individual males are known for being a bit over 1 meter tall and weighing as much as 20kg!"
"Oh, wow, that's big!" the man says. The co-workers at the coffee-machine nod. "But, what's, like, the biggest penguin there is, over all?"
The penguin-expert-co-worker thinks for a bit, then says: "It must be the emperor penguin. They are huge. It's not uncommon for males to be as tall as 130cm!"
The co-workers at the coffee machine gasp.
"130cm!? That's insane!" the man says. "But they don't go any bigger than that? That's the absolute limit?"
"Well", the co-worker answers, "I think I heard of an individual being almost 140cm tall. But that's the absolute limit, yes."
"Huh", the man says, "Well, then I guess I did run over a nun on my way here"
foley800@reddit
Sounds like most of my interactions with A.I.! Steps to get the correct answer from A.I.: 1) know the correct answer. 2) ask AI the question. 3) tell AI that it is wrong. 4) AI doubles down 5) point to references 6 AI almost acquiesces, but affirms its original incorrect answer 7) point to another fact source 8) repeat three or more times 9) AI finally gives the correct answer then completely ignores that fact that it took so long to give you the correct answer.
Kooky_Direction@reddit
How many jokes are there about women serving the Catholic Church. NUN.
MrsWeasley9@reddit
And the opposite joke [Must be told in an Irish accent.]
Two leprechauns walk into a church and up to the priest. They're whispering and nudging each other, and refusing to make eye contact. Finally one of the leprechauns looks up and says to the priest, "Father, ah, we were wondering whether, maybe, there were any leprechaun nuns in your parish?"
Priest, looking confused: No, there are no leprechaun nuns in the parish.
L2: Are there, perhaps, any leprechaun nuns in other parishes in the city?
Priest: No, there aren't any leprechaun nuns anywhere in the city.
L1: Well, what about in other cities? Surely there are leprechaun nuns somewhere in the country?
Priest, getting annoyed: No, I'm sorry. There are no leprechaun nuns in the country.
L2: Well there must be leprechaun nuns in other countries then!
Priest: No! There are no leprechaun nuns anywhere in the world. For the last time there are NO LEPRECHAUN NUNS.
L1: ...
L2: ...
The first leprechaun turns to the second leprechaun and says, "See?! I told you! You fucked a penguin!"
Kooky_Direction@reddit
I heard it as the 7 Dwarves and the punch line was 6 dwarves chanting "Dopey fucked a penguin, Dopey fucked a penguin"
googdude@reddit
I love that you told me to use an Irish accent and my brain immediately switched to my internal reading monologue having an accent. You're right, it did make it better!
Kiwistu2009@reddit
I heard this one with the 7 dwarves, dwarf nuns & "Dopey fucked a penguin".
Bikesexualmedic@reddit
Allegedly.
Aldaron23@reddit (OP)
*chef's kiss*
That's perfect to tell 5 jokes after mine here as a come-back - I fucking love it!
PinkOneHasBeenChosen@reddit
This one is actually funny.
humblyhacking@reddit
I wasted minutes of my life on this
BountyHunter_666@reddit
But you've learned about penguins!
Aldaron23@reddit (OP)
Yes! I want to add: all of these penguin facts are real! So you indeed learned something š
Also: all of the nun-facts are real. So be careful!
Acrobatic_Matter_109@reddit
If you're in the habit of telling this sort of joke, I think you're a bit of a wimple.
ElectricityIsWeird@reddit
I bet there are of thousands if not tens of thousands nuns who are 4ā6ā or shorter.
Aldaron23@reddit (OP)
Yes... but I guess our office-worker had one of the taller ones, or he wouldn't be asking
ElectricityIsWeird@reddit
These go to 11.
DexterTheInspector@reddit
Iykyk!
barto5@reddit
I learned nunthing
IrishFlukey@reddit
Yes, but how big are nuns?
Large-Screen-1336@reddit
and... you'll never get them back.
Salty_Fishing6051@reddit
Yes you can if you read it backwards.
GJ_Dekker@reddit
Sooo long
ReindeerFun3762@reddit
I've wasted so much of my life lining up for jokes or crap on instagram
druex@reddit
The amount of time wasted on "Wait for the end!" videos is a war crime.
origvani@reddit
agree! haha
Aldaron23@reddit (OP)
I'm absolutely fine with negative critique - but really, minutes!? If I shaved off more than 2 minutes off your life, then it's not my fault!
peachielife@reddit
Not only mine! Read it out loud to my husband. Now his time is wasted as well :p
mapped_apples@reddit
Better Nate than lever.Ā
Mithrandir_Earendur@reddit
Exactly what I thought of.
keyboardstatic@reddit
You could have just pulled a skido over and blown a seal...
royxsong@reddit
I skipped to the last part to save several minutes of my life and then writing this to give it back
WaltKegan@reddit
That took you minutes to read?
DarkAtheris@reddit
The minutes were for processing what he just read
Extreme-Rub-1379@reddit
Bro, you really need to work on your reading speed
ghost_in_th_machine@reddit
"We gotta go see the penguin"
ElectricityIsWeird@reddit
Is this actually a quote from TV/ movies?
The guy responding with a Blues Brothers quote makes it sounds like it is.
el_gregorio@reddit
Yes. Also from Blues Brothers
ElectricityIsWeird@reddit
Ah, yes, of course! When they go see Mother Superior or whatever her title is.
Been too long since Iāve watched it.
NL1839@reddit
Noā¦Fānā¦way!
SaltMarshGoblin@reddit
"It's a hundred and six miles to Chicago, we've got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses"
ghost_in_th_machine@reddit
Hit it!
meatyylegend@reddit
I am fed up with this nunsense. Fed up I say.
DisappointedDuk@reddit
I'd heard this one before, but this version is much better
Responsible_News577@reddit
Why do polar bears not eat penguins?
lolic_addict@reddit
I remember seeing a short version of this joke just a week ago. It evolved lmao
butterfly68za@reddit
I didn't see that plot twist coming. ššš
Ok_Silver_3170@reddit
Eh, might have made more sense of the OP used real units.
_fiddlestick_@reddit
Do it again in Imperial.
donna_donnaj@reddit
Say yes to the life, say yes to the life! Say Amen, Glory, and Hello!
Says yes to the life, otherwise the life might say 'no'.
1hivejournalist@reddit
Worst joke ever
joshthornton@reddit
Gonna bill you for the chemo.
bigb-2702@reddit
Nun jokes are great. I like the one about Getting Screwed by a Nun.
Sparky3200@reddit
A nun is walking back to the convent late one night when a man drags her into the bushes and has his way with her. When he's done, he asks her, "Well, Sister, what are you going to tell Mother Superior now?"
She says, "I'm going to tell her the truth. I was walking back to the convent when a man pulled me into the bushes and had his way with me twice. Unless you're tired."
Organic_Tradition_94@reddit
Two Nuns are walking down the road when suddenly a demon appears before them. The older Nun tells the other, āQuick, show him your cross!ā
The younger Nun raises her fist and angrily shouts āoi, fuck off!ā
Aldaron23@reddit (OP)
Damn, awesome xD
Blarg0ist@reddit
A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey
When the barman serves it up, he takes it out to the bench in front of the bar to drink it.
As he's enjoying his drink, a nun walks by, and glares at him sourly. "How can you pollute your soul with the Devil's drink like that?" she asks.
The man shrugs. "It's not the Devil, it's just whiskey."
"But it's sinful and wicked!"
"How do you know it's so bad, then? Have you ever tasted whiskey?"
"Of course not! My sisters and mother superior told me how evil drink is."
"But how do they know? Have they ever had a drink?"
They go back and forth like this for a while, before at last, the nun relents. "Well, I suppose that if I were to try a sip of whiskey, I would better understand how it corrupts the soul. But it wouldn't do for any of my sisters to come by here and see me drinking. Could you order me one in a teacup?"
The man agrees this is fair, and walks inside to the barman.
"Two whiskeys, but put one in a teacup, please."
The barman slams his hand down on the bar and shouts, "Is that damn nun here again!?"
2020mademejoinreddit@reddit
lmao This one made me literally laugh out loud XD
MelodicSquirrel0s@reddit
You need to tell it.
KyonBey@reddit
search joke: bus driver nun cemetery
ElectricityIsWeird@reddit
I thought that joke was hilarious when I was teens/20s.
My friend was right then , itās a horrible joke.
bigb-2702@reddit
A guy driving down the road sees a sign iffering to screwed by a num for $100. He pulls in and knocks on the and is greeted by the mother superior. He tells her he wants to take her up on the offer from the sign. Shes says Great! Give me $100 and go through that door. When he does, he's in a hallway with a sign on the wall with an arrow pointing to the right and below it says to go through the door on the left. He goes through that door only to find himself in another hall with a sign pointing to the left saying to go through the door in the right. So he does what the sign says and when he goes through the door he finds himself in the parking lot next to his car where there's a sign saying Thank you for your donation. You've just been screwed by a nun.
stumblon@reddit
One?
twinsunsspaces@reddit
A young nun is the only sister in the convent, that day, and she decides to take a shower. Right as she is in the middle of it someone starts ringing the bell at the door. Without thinking she runs to the door, dripping wet and covered with suds, and asks who is there.
"It's the blind man from the village!"
She thinks for a moment, reflecting on her haste to answer the door and the fact that she had neglected to grab a towel, but decides that it will be okay since the man is blind and opens the door.
"Nice knockers, now where do you want the blinds?"
Timmy-from-ABQ@reddit
A drunk is staggering down the sidewalk reeling from the curb then bouncing off the shop doors and windows.
He meets two nuns. As they approach, the split apart allowing him to pass between them.
He takes a few steps, then turns in puzzlement and mutters to himself, "How the heck did she do that?"
Elwoodpdowd87@reddit
A drunk is staggering home from the bar. Across the street, he sees a nun walking solemnly along the sidewalk.
He runs across the street and beats the shit out of her.
As he stands there catching his breath he says, "gee I thought you'd be tougher than that, batman!"
iwantonethree@reddit
Oh dear this reminds me of the seven dwarfs in church joke ā¦.
paranoid_70@reddit
Ok, that was pretty good
windows_error23@reddit
Sorry Iām not a native English speaker, can someone explain?
KeljuIvan@reddit
Nuns (women in monasteries) wear black and white clothing, which resembles the colors of penguins. He drove his car over a nun and hoped that it was actually a penguin.
2020mademejoinreddit@reddit
Nun of the jokes on this sub are bad. Which is why I thought I'd add this.
mortalbug@reddit
Didn't see the punchline coming and I actually laughed. Good work.
cloud9ineteen@reddit
"Well, then I definitely fucked a nun." is a much better punchline imo
Ok_Locksmith_8260@reddit
This was fun
Icreatelifegoddess@reddit
I was reading this aloud to my partner and he fell asleep before the end. Literally.
theotisfinklestein@reddit
Nice.
yticmic@reddit
I read this in Norm MacDonald's voice.
PinkOneHasBeenChosen@reddit
In what universe are people running over penguins and acting like itās not tragic?
ElectricityIsWeird@reddit
Thereās gotta be some communities in Argentina or Chile or South Africa, maybe even New Zealand, I donāt know, where penguins on the road might be a thing.
I have lived my life in Illinois and Minnesota. I hate running over a squirrel or opossum. It bums me out.
Drfilthymcnasty@reddit
I aināt even mad
Conquistador1901@reddit
Nun says to the Police, Iāve just been graped . Donāt you mean raped? No there was a bunch of āem
pra_com001@reddit
AI generated Nun Slop
Aldaron23@reddit (OP)
Dude, I heard this joke at least about 12 years ago at university and loved it ever since. I love to tell jokes in general (and telling them irl is of course always different from just writing/reading them) and this one's mostly got very positive reactions. I like, that you can tell this joke in a lengthy way and go into detail with penguin facts, or very shortly and just get to the point quickly.
Anyway, I love jokes. I had a rough night yesterday and had to stay up. I read a lot of reddit, including this sub, and thought "Cool sub, I also know so many jokes myself, I should share one of mine when I have time tomorrow!"
And I did. I thought about which joke to post, penguin joke came to my mind because it's universally funny.
So I took my time. Thought about how to translate it (English is not my first language - I only ever heard and told this joke in German), thought about how to tell it in a good length. The only help I had was looking up if "Kƶnigspinguin" and "Kaiserpinguin" really are just "King Penguin" and "Emperor Penguin" and it is.
So, you can tell me you didn't like the joke or didn't think it was funny, but accusing me of using AI is absolutely painful. I don't even know, why you think this is the case.
Is every single thing I'm writing going to be questioned from this point? I am a creative person, so when I tell a joke/write it down, I'm going a bit into detail (because I think that makes it funnier). If this is a sign for being AI, I'm fucking doomed.
AlCranio@reddit
Older than AI joke.
jomabu23@reddit
We need a different font here, I keep thinking "AI" is a guy named AL... (and wondering why he spends all his time generating slop...)
foley800@reddit
You mean Weird Al? That stuff is good!
jomabu23@reddit
Weird Al is definitely anti-slop!
Weird A.I., couldn't say.
gormholler@reddit
Same here, for longer than I care to admit.
LBVSVC@reddit
I've heard this one before. Probably back in the 2000-2005 era. As much as I despise AI and what it's being used for, it's not AI. Unless I'm actually AI and it's fooled us all!
braindeadzombie@reddit
Thatās great. Itās new to me, first time I genuinely laughed at a joke in this sub in a long time. Thanks for sharing.
shinyappyrobin@reddit
A man went the office in Kansas...
No_Chart7725@reddit
Donāt make a habit of it!!!
IndustryStrong4701@reddit
That was fantastic. I belly laughed.
AverageATuin@reddit
Whatās black and white and black and white and black and white?
A nun rolling down a hill.
Sparky3200@reddit
What's black, white, and red all over and can't get through a revolving door?
A nun with a spear through her chest.
mohirl@reddit
Meh .this is just Grumpy fucked a penguin, but in reverseĀ
IsItSupposedToDoThat@reddit
When you know the punchline to a long joke within the first two lines.
Sarma8@reddit
Bad.
QueenSema@reddit
I laughed out loud
Prestigious-Rub-7244@reddit
This is a Batman joke , a penguin, a joker , a nun of my concern