Everyone knows Dave

Posted by Reecethehawk@reddit | Jokes | View on Reddit | 55 comments

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Cristiano Ronaldo?"

"No dramas boss, Ronaldo and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Portugal and knock on Cristiano Ronaldo's door, and Ronaldo says,

"Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a chat!"

Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Ronaldo's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Ronaldo was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.

"Iron Mike Tyson” his boss quickly retorts.

"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to New York," and off they go.

When they get there, Tyson spots Dave and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to the gym, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave Iron Mike Tyson's house he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope." his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What the hell has happened here?"

His boss looks up and says, "I couldn't take it anymore... you and the Pope came out onto the balcony and the man next to me said, "who the fuck is that up there on the balcony with Dave?"

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Cultural-Company282@reddit

It's a real dilemma. Would we rather read old jokes that are funny, or would we rather read original "jokes" that aren't funny, written by wannabe comedian kids who aren't as funny as they think? Most of the sub is one or the other. A good, new one pops up every once in a while to keep me reading, but it's not the majority. As far as I'm concerned, at least the old jokes are funny.

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drakekengda@reddit

A new redditor gets sent to r/jokes. The other redditors post numbers, which get lots of laughs. The new guy asks what's up, and gets told that everyone knows all the same old jokes, so they just call out their numbers instead of telling them.

Wanting to join in, the new guy posts 60.

Crickets. He told it wrong

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213372Yeet@reddit

[setup omitted] "...It's not the joke; it's the way you tell it." With eyes downcast, the young comedian's gaze returns to the heavy tome on the table, and comes to rest on the title "1001 Jokes For All Occasions." In a flash of inspiration, the young comedian calls out "One thousand and TWO!" The seasoned comedians erupt in peals of laughter, several are red-faced & gasping, and the eldest, most accomplished comedian at the table has been face-down in their soup for nearly a minute. All eyes look to the elder with concern as they finally manage to sputter out "I... I've... never heard that one before..."

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Dagobert_Krikelin@reddit

If it's a funny joke it is passed on. Kind of like all the hood music from 50s, 60s, 70s etc. So much good music because we don't care to replay all the shit that was also released. 🙂

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Cultural-Company282@reddit

Classic jokes!

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pedro_pascal_123@reddit

I think it's just the way Dave tells the jokes that make it seem funny...

pra_com001@reddit

Wow.... Reading the old Dave joke for the Nth time.

MrDilbert@reddit

On one of old Usenet humor groups I was following, it was common to end a joke post with something like "SFR" - "Sorry For Reposting"

Maybe we should reintroduce it here... 🤔

MirthRock@reddit

Usenet? I knew I was among my people.

570250@reddit

Telebit 56K baby!!

Yung'uns these days, eh?

I_Like_Quiet@reddit

I'll read the whole thing every time.

AttackCircus@reddit

The Dave Joke is like passing a road accident: you just can't not look at it!

JokrOnCrak@reddit

Toby Kieth - Good As I Once Was
“I still hang out with my best friend Dave
I've known him since we were kids at school”

Lessard93@reddit

I've known this joke for a long time, and every time its posted, I just have to read it all. Love it

I know everyone is saying this is an old joke, but I never heard it, and I laughed. So, thanks for the repost =)

WednesdayBryan@reddit

I told this joke as a child. I am now old. I can't imagine how old this joke is.

I'm old too, that's why I'm surprised I never heard it. But hey, better late than never.

571689423@reddit

Alzheimer’s, makes every joke new

I'm not THAT old lol

nom_of_your_business@reddit

Better Nate than lever

Downtown-Service7603@reddit

I read it in a Playboy magazine in 1995 or 1996. I know because I remember where I was living at the time. Always liked this joke.

Malnurtured_Snay@reddit

Well, you know it's at least two thousand years old because that's when the pope was invented.

Funny247365@reddit

When the Pope was visiting America, he told the driver of his limo that he had the sudden urge to drive. The driver was a good Catholic man and would not ever dream of questioning the Pope’s authority. So the Pope sat at the wheel, while his driver got in the back.

They were travelling down the road doing between 70 and 80km/h, when a policeman happened to see them. As he pulled them over, he called headquarters reporting a speeding limo, with a VIP inside it.

The chief asked: “Who is in the limo, the mayor?”

The policeman told him: “No, someone more important than the mayor”.

Then the chief asked: “Is it the governor?”

The policeman answered: “No, someone more important than the governor”.

The chief finally asked: “Is it the President?”

The policeman answered: “No, someone even more important than the President”.

This made the chief very angry and he bellowed: “Now who is more important than the President?!”

The policeman calmly whispered: “I’ll put it to you this way chief. I don’t know who this guy is, but he has the Pope as his chauffeur”.

Reecethehawk@reddit (OP)

Good one

muswellwva@reddit

I remembered some of the Pope part, but forgot most of the rest.

brownhk@reddit

This is by far one of my favourite jokes. 😍

SoNowYouTellMe101@reddit

The Dave joke again - and the r/jjokes mods banned me from posting (without getting a mod's permission first). This is easily the 800th time I've seen this Dave joke this week - which is, certainly, a great classic.

DMX8@reddit

Good luck finding Cristiano Ronaldo in Portugal

CaptainJeff@reddit

Ah, good ol' 47.

marvsup@reddit

I thought this was 1?

Number One is where this whole thing comes from. Here it is.

A new inmate arrives at a prison. On his first night, he hears another prisoner yell, "Number 22!", and the whole cell block erupts in laughter. A few minutes later, someone yells, "Number 45!", and again, the whole cell block howls.

Confused, the new guy asks his cellmate what is going on.

His cellmate explains, "Well, we've all been in here for so long, and we know all the same jokes by heart. To save time, we numbered them, so we just shout the number instead of telling the whole joke!"

Excited to fit in, the new guy stands up on his bed, takes a deep breath, and shouts, "Number 72!"

Dead silence. Nobody laughs.

Confused and embarrassed, he sits back down and asks his cellmate what went wrong. "Was Number 72 not a good joke?"

His cellmate sighs and says, "Oh, 72 is one of our absolute favorites!"
The new guy asks, "Then why didn't anyone laugh?!"
The cellmate shrugs and replies, "Some people just don't know how to tell a joke!"