...We’d like our baby to keep its liver.”

I’m not sure why they even call it a delivery. It seems like more of a take-out situation.  

The doctor asked if we wanted to have a C-section. I said, “I don’t care what section we’re in, but I’d prefer to stay on land.”

“So you’ll be having a natural childbirth?” I  said, “I can’t speak for my wife, but I’ll be keeping my clothes on.”

Things took a turn for the worse and I had to leave the room. After a while, the doctor came out with a solemn expression. He handed me a baby and said, “Your wife didn’t make it.” So I handed the baby back and said, “Then please bring me the one she did make.” Doctor said “Okay I’ll be right back.” He brought me our baby and my wife was just fine. 

After the birth, I asked the doctor how soon we could have sex. He said, “My shift ends at 5. Meet me outside.”

My wife snffed the diaper and asked me to change the baby. I said, “But I like this one.” 

Our baby girl was born 4 weeks early and fortunately she did not go to the NIC-U. She went to NIC Community College and saved us a lot of money.

When our baby first started walking she got into a lot of trouble, so eventually we had to tell her “Look, you’re just too young to be in a gang.” 

If you do decide to get a C-section, be prepared to feel like Simba’s mom in The Lion King. You’re going to have to live with a scar.