A doctor tells his patient. "I have terrible news. You have a rare incurable condition and will be dead by morning."
Posted by mralex@reddit | Jokes | View on Reddit | 70 comments
The man goes home and tells his wife--it's tragic, but there's nothing to be done.
They go to bed... he's reflecting on his life... and looks at his wife, and thinks... one more time. He wakes her up... and they make love.
She goes back to sleep, but he can't sleep... and he looks at her again.. and thinks.. I gotta have it. He wakes her up, and they have sex.
She goes back to sleep again. The hours pass. The sun will soon be up. He thinks, better to die happy.... and he nudges his wife again..."How about it?"
She looks at him angrily and says, "LOOK. I have to get up in the morning... YOU don't!"
Allenflow@reddit
Dr is talking privately to a man’s wife and tells her the husband has a fatal condition. “Is there anything that can be done?” She asks. Dr says “the only thing that might work is if you have oral sex with him every night and every morning for the next year.”
Women walks out into the waiting room where her husband anxiously awaits her. “Well?” He asks. “What did he say?”
“He said you are going to die.” she replied.
ImGCS3fromETOH@reddit
A woman is in a coma and the husband asks the doctor if there's anything that can be done to help her.
The doctor says, "Well actually, there has been some new research that indicates that while people are in comas they can still respond to sexual stimulation. If we give you privacy, perhaps you could try oral sex with her and that might be enough to help her wake up."
So they leave the man alone in the room with his wife. Soon after there are alarms sounding. Doctors and nurses rush into the room and try to save the woman, but were unsuccessful.
The doctor turns to the man and asks, "What happened?"
The man replies, "I don't know... I think she choked."
Zayknow@reddit
I was looking for this one before I even scrolled to its parent comment, and it still got a chuckle out of me. Not sure if it’s a copy-paste but it’s a well put together telling.
pringlesaremyfav@reddit
I think if the last line was shortened the joke might be punchier.
Something like,
"It's terminal"
NullGWard@reddit
The clean version has the doctor telling her that she would have to do all of the cooking, cleaning, and chores around the house and have to wait on him hand and foot for a year.
adriennelisa@reddit
Either way, the man will be dead.🤣
runonandonandonanon@reddit
/r/laughjokes for more haha it is funny ;) my friend
bigsteve8605@reddit
My mind went to she told him he died giving her oral sex
RightioThen@reddit
Haha
AmazingGrace911@reddit
A doctor tells a man he has good news and bad news.
“Well what’s the good news?”, he asked.
The doctor says “your mother in law is gonna live a long, long, long time. In fact she may outlive us all.”
The man is floored and says, “well what’s the bad news?!”
The doctor replied, “she is gonna lose mobility and not be able to feed herself. Also, she’s gonna need to be bathed because she won’t be able to do it herself anymore. She also start screaming uncontrollably at the top of her voice day and night.”
The man is absolutely devastated and staring at the floor to which the doctor says, “I’m just kidding, she died .”
mrgoobster@reddit
That is a fantastically constructed joke.
looloose@reddit
My doctor doesn't believe in unnecessary surgery, he only operates when he really needs the money.
sortaitchy@reddit
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life... as long as I die by next Tuesday.
200bronchs@reddit
Dr. Gave me two months to live. I told him I couldn't pay his bill. He gave me two more months. Henny Youngman
bones_boy@reddit
TAKE MY WIFE PLEASE
buddhabeans94@reddit
I take my wife everywhere but she finds her way home
Hamilton950B@reddit
I told my doctor I had recently lost my wife. He said, "That must be hard, losing your wife." I replied, "Hard? It's damn near impossible!"
MuzikPhreak@reddit
Dog Henny Youngman: Take my wife’s. FLEAS!
Sea-Apple-7890@reddit
I was at a swingers party and said “take my wife … please”. Someone did! From behind
C1-RANGER-3-75th@reddit
Try the meatloaf!
mralex@reddit (OP)
Are they out of veal?
Darkhelmet3000@reddit
Tip your waitress…
georgke@reddit
Doctor gave me 6 month, so I stabbed him. Now the Judge gave me 10 years. Problem solved.
iamnewhere2019@reddit
In the jail to a new arrival:
“- And why are you here?”
“-The doctor told me I had 1 year and I killed him!…but the judge gave me 15 years, so I did a good deal”.
richardelmore@reddit
A doctor calls his patient and says "I have some bad news and some very bad news", the patient asks "What is bad news?"
The doctor replies, "Your test results came back and say that you have a fatal condition that will cause your death in 24 hours". The patient says, that's terrible, what is the very bad news? The doctor replies, the results came back yesterday but I was busy playing golf.
WyvernsClaw@reddit
Definitely a sub-par punchline. Take my upvote!
Firm-Information3610@reddit
That very bad news hits way harder than the actual diagnosis 😭
scubaro@reddit
The doctor hit hardest when he was golfing
Elect5643@reddit
The golf part really makes it hit.
Mekroval@reddit
This made me audibly laugh, thanks.
flying_carabao@reddit
Doctor tells the patient, "you have an incurable disease and you don't have that much time before you die"
Patient asks, "how long before I die doc?"
Doctor goes, "you have 5..."
Patient asking frantically, "5 what? 5 years? 5 months? 5 days?!"
Doctor, "4"
Ok_Quantity1489@reddit
3...
TaintedTruffle@reddit
2
runonandonandonanon@reddit
Berculosis.
TerraFiorentina@reddit
1
mgdmw@reddit
☠️
TheTjalian@reddit
Goodbye
Excalibator@reddit
DONKEY!
nadacloo@reddit
Great jokes y'all, but you left out their numbers from the joke book.
Hefty-Hyena-2227@reddit
Doctor tells male patient: "I don't want you to lift anything heavier than 10 lbs (4.5 kg)"
Patient asks doctor: "Then how am I supposed to pee?"
PumpikAnt58763@reddit
Thank you from those of us who don't stream HBO Max!
ForeignChance6890@reddit
Seen a few weeks ago on The Pitt.
scottbmaps@reddit
Doctor: I have bad news.
Patient: Hurry up, doc, I haven’t got all day!
Doctor: Who told you?
OutlandishnessOk5549@reddit
comic
Substantial-Heat6846@reddit
A man is told by the doctor that due to a serious disease he needs to have one leg cut off. After the operation doctor says there good news and bad news. Bad news is that they cut the wrong leg off. After the man clams down, doctor says good news is we mixed up the tests so turns out you don't actually have the disease!
Rylonian@reddit
Doc: "Sir, I have gotten back the results from your eye examination." "Oh good, can I see them?" "Probably not"
Few_Ear_1346@reddit
I'd rather be blind than deaf. If you're blind people feel sorry for you, if you're deaf everyone yells at you.
HandleShoddy@reddit
WHAT?!
georgke@reddit
Guy goes to the doctor and the doctor says ' sir, you are too fat you have to lose weight'. The guy says ' that's nonsense, I will have a second opinion'. The doctor says ' you're fuck ugly too'.
Racoonie@reddit
Doctor to patient: “I’ve got good news and bad news. The bad news is you have a previously unknown disease and won’t be around much longer. The good news is… you’re about to be very famous."
rhombism@reddit
Man goes to the doctor. Doctor says “You have an incurable disease, you’ll be dead within six weeks.”
“I wish I had longer” says the man. “Isn’t there anything I can do?”
“Move to Oklahoma,” says the doctor.
“Why? Will that cure me?”
“No,” says the doctor. “But living in Oklahoma will make the next six weeks feel like a fucking eternity.”
Mrin_Codex77@reddit
As an Okie, Yes. This is accurate.
vonnostrum2022@reddit
The old good news/bad news joke. Doctor: the bad news is you only have a month to live. Patient: what’s the good news? Dr: did you see the receptionist with the big tits? I’m fucking her!
torch9t9@reddit
Doctor tells his patient, "I have good news and bad news."
"What's the good news?"
"You have 48 hours to live."
"Omg what's the bad news?!"
"I meant to tell you yesterday."
fuzzbox000@reddit
A doctor calls and the wife picks up.
"Ma'am, we got your husband's test results back, but there was a mistake and his results got mixed up with another patient, so it turns out that your husband either has dementia or syphilis."
"Well, what does that mean?"
"Send him out for a loaf of bread. If he comes back, don't fuck him."
Downtown_Ad_6232@reddit
Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news. Which would you like first? Patient: Doc, give me the good news first. Doctor: The good news is they’re going to name an incurable fatal disease after you.
RoseBlue373@reddit
This made me legit LOL!
Due_Butterfly_7195@reddit
Doctor. Ran tests on your wife. Unfortunately we could only narrow it down to two diseases. She either has alzheimers or aids. The guys devastated. Says’ what do I do?’ Doctor. Drop her 20km out of town, if she finds her way home; don’t f..k her’
HeSaidSonOfMan@reddit
That’s the rare incurable condition. He has to constantly have sex
andyrutdotcom@reddit
à la Crank, with Jason Statham.
FourteenthCylon@reddit
Doctor: "I have good news and bad news."
Patient: "Give me the good news first."
Doctor: "I think I can get the medical board to name the disease after me!"
Various-Bat2402@reddit
Doctor said I have some good news and bad news for you.The bad news is while doing your vasectomy surgery I accidentally slipped and cut your penis off and was unable to reattach.What could possibly be the good news? We sent it for tests and it was non-malignant.
sky_high_pie@reddit
This one hits a little different as a trans woman.
kaori_irl@reddit
ikr, wins all around
OneQuadrillionOwls@reddit
Remember this one from a Dave Barry book...
pra_com001@reddit
This sub reddit should be called re / jokes
Shadow_Hound_117@reddit
And this comment would fit in the re\comment section.
mltam@reddit
I heard that before.
h_grytpype_thynne@reddit
Think of it more as a living archive.
LackOfStack@reddit
An old man is lying on his deathbed. It has been months since he was able to get out of bed on his own. As he closes his eyes for what he thinks might be the last time, he suddenly realizes he smells something familiar. It's one of his favorite smells in the world. It's his wife's chocolate chip cookies.
He thinks about his wife, who had stood by his side for 50 years, who gave him their three wonderful children, who has cared for him through this last horrible illness, and is now in the kitchen, making him his favorite treat one final time, and tears come to his eyes. It gives him the strength to raise his head, and sit up, and put his feet on the floor.
He slowly makes his way out of the room and down the stairs, nearly collapsing at several points, but lead on by the delicious smell of his favorite cookies. He makes it to the kitchen, and sees the cookies on a platter, dozens of them, warm and inviting. He reaches out with one shaky hand, his mouth watering. Suddenly his wife smacks the back of his hand with a spatula. "Don't touch those!" she shouts. "They're for the funeral!"