A guy at confession says to the priest: "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

Posted by mougrim@reddit | Jokes | View on Reddit | 59 comments

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"'Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads!"

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jongleurse@reddit

Depends on the situation. In criminal court, the jury is not allowed to make a negative inference from the defendant pleading the fifth and refusing to answer.

In civil court it is allowed because the defendant’s life or freedom is not on the line.

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Yeah but people's brains don't really purge information or impressions like that. It might be explicitly forbidden for them to make that inference, but it doesn't mean they won't make it even if subconsciously

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Pkrudeboy@reddit

Sure, a jury is ‘not allowed’ to make a negative inference from pleading the fifth, but there is absolutely no way to enforce that, and people just don’t work like that.

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icyDinosaur@reddit

A defendant and a witness are two different things though, no?

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wrongitsleviosaa@reddit

I feel like this should be a special case though, because all you have to do is refuse to answer every single question. This could be interpreted to mean that the witness wants to imply something to the jury without saying it outright?

Am I making any sense lol

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jongleurse@reddit

Sure, a properly coached witness would probably not answer in the way depicted in the joke, because of the negative inference, whether the jury was allowed or not. The attorney would probably object before it got to that point as well. Source: me, a moron.

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big_sugi@reddit

If she testifies and answers questions she can’t invoke the 5th. If she was going to do that, she should never have been on the stand in the first place. And once she answered “no,” she’s waived her right.

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Iolair18@reddit

If she went to the witness stand in her own case, yeah, she's waived her 5th amendment right, usually with some limits imposed by the judge.

However, if she is a witness to a trial that is not hers, she can be compelled to the witness stand, but can still take the 5th for any questions that might implicate her in a crime. All questions would need to pertain to the case being prosecuted, but it could implicated her in something other.

Then you have the politician/bureaucrat answer of "I do not recall" to everything.

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wrongitsleviosaa@reddit

Yeah that sounds reasonable

Select-Reality8369@reddit

Ain’t no way

Navynuke00@reddit

Why are they all Italian?

blobblet@reddit

Some people live in Italy

callimpet@reddit

is the pope chicagoan?

argentine pope had italian parents.

kaur_virunurm@reddit

From an old collection of actual court room quotes.

LAWYER: Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
WITNESS: No.

Frido1976@reddit

I didn't get that...?

SmokeyMcDoogles@reddit

Implies the answer is yes to the first two

haviah@reddit

Implication does not work like that either in law and especially not in predicate logic.

Sure but like, jokes do.

LegendOfKhaos@reddit

Or that she's just getting increasingly fed up with the questioning

Cirement@reddit

Or that she'd never set foot in Miami under any condition, and I don't blame her

Frankandthatsit@reddit

Wow

She said “no” to one question. By implication, shed have had to say “yes” to all the questions she refused to answer.

Sherringdom@reddit

Obvious certainly, but legally where do they stand with this? They haven’t actually got them under oath admitting anything, even if someone can obviously join the dots in their head.

Dirty-Soul@reddit

In criminal court, this is "taking the fifth," and cannot be used as an inference of guilt.

In civil court, it absolutely can.

Malvastor@reddit

I'd imagine that legally speaking the witness is in the clear (neither implicated nor perjured herself), but the jury can probably read between the lines and pick up that something happened.

redrunner55@reddit

OMG y’all. It’s. A. JOKE!! Stop analyzing it!!

Moderately_Imperiled@reddit

It's because of the implication.

This-Positive286@reddit

But they’re not in danger though right?

ScrogClemente@reddit

Nah, she’s up there on the stand. All alone. She’s been sworn in by an agent of the court. She’d never lie…because of the implication.

Due_Composer_7000@reddit

Two dudes staying the night in Miami is gay

Ok_Material_2982@reddit

She offered her honor. He honored her offer. All night long, he was on her and off her.

IneedaWIPE@reddit

Only thing better than honor is inner.

PMmeLEGALadvice@reddit

And if you can’t cum inner, cum honor!

She was only 13 or 14. She wanted me in her. I was 16. There is an old fable, what makes a woman willing makes a man unable. Thank you freezer cold boones farm. And the song in my head went "You're gonna be a daddy" repeatedly. Nothing happened. She was angry. No birth control was at hand.

IsItSupposedToDoThat@reddit

What the fuck did I just try to read?

offer, then honor, repeat.

i offer you my honor i honor your offer. repeat repeat so it twas

honor and offer all knight.

DoFr56@reddit

She really likes it when I get heroff er first!

Important-Guess3071@reddit

Now that’s funny!!! It’s old, but still funny!!!

CleanJerk1958@reddit

Priest to a married woman: "Have you ever slept with another man?"

Married woman: "No Father, I only sleep with my husband. With all the other men, I am fully awake."

pleski@reddit

Never heard of an altar boy suspension.

kaori_irl@reddit

your joke but in comic form and gay

CenturiesAgo@reddit

ha!

floppybunny26@reddit

Joke as old as time. Classic.

bongart@reddit

As old as the Catholic religion, at any rate.

softycalm@reddit

Joey is out here protecting her honor while also collecting a full list of names 😂 the priest basically did all the work for him

Priest has already didd the girls.

ebrillblaiddes@reddit

I'm unconvinced that Joey had actually done anything in the first place.

kingstern_man@reddit

But he obviously wants to. (Matt. 5:28)

retiretobedlam@reddit

I honestly was bracing myself for that to go in a much darker direction, and I’m relieved it did not!

Oh, the guy didn’t wobble out of the confessional in a bi-directional way?

nashyall@reddit

Haha

LostBetsRed@reddit

A man walks into a confessional...

unknown_pigeon@reddit

It's fun because I found my like in that comment, and I barely even like comments

catadeluxe@reddit

Ah, yet another repost

Hey, if you haven't heard it before, it's new to you.

MrBean_OfficialNSFW@reddit

I misread that as "horse girl" and was really waiting for that to pay off

ShakshukaANDbread@reddit

Good ole number 67!

A priest is giving confession to one of his altar boys, Johnny, and Johnny says, "forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I had sex with a Girl Scout."

"Oh my! This is indeed a grievous sin. You are unmarried, and you're so young. Tell me, who was the Girl Scout? Was it Mary Baker?"

"Father, forgive me, but I can't tell you who it was. I can't besmirch her reputation like that."

"That's very honorable of you, Johnny, but I'm a priest. You can tell me. Was it Jennifer Smith?"

"I'm sorry, Father, I know you are a priest but I still can't tell you. It would betray her trust."

"Johnny, this is serious. This girl's soul might be in mortal peril. If she doesn't get help from a priest, she may be condemned to hell. Was it Samantha Green?"

"Father, I'm sorry, but I really can't tell you."

The priest sighs, dabs at his forehead with a handkerchief, and shakes his head. "Johnny, your loyalty to this girl is laudable but misplaced. We really can't have altar boys ignoring direct orders from priests. You are forbidden from serving at the altar for a month. Now go to your room, and think about what you've done."

Johnny obediently returns to his room. Once he gets there, his roommate Matthew questions him.

"So, how did it go? What did you get?"

"A month off and three good leads."

humorrus1@reddit

Cute