A Lufthansa flight is over the Atlantic when there is a loud BANG! The plane shudders, and starts to go down. The pilot gets on the speaker and says, "Ladies und gentlemen. As you probably haffe noticed, we haffe lost all of our engines, und we are currently plummeting toward zee ocean!"

Posted by Jokeminder42@reddit | Jokes | View on Reddit | 72 comments

Well, everyone on the plane starts screaming and carrying on.

The pilot gets back on the speaker and says, "Ladies und gentlemen, haffe no fear! We at Lufthansa haffe prepared for just zuch an emergency. Listen carefully. Zoze of you who can swim, move to zee left zide of zee airplane. Zoze of you who cannot swim, move to zee right zide of zee airplane."

So the passengers start trading places and moving around; swimmers on the left and non-swimmers on the right.

After a minute or so the pilot gets back on the speaker. "Okay, ladies und gentlemen. In just a few minutes we vill plummet into zee ocean. Zoze of you on zee left zide of zee plane: as soon as we hit zee ocean, leave zee plane und swim avay as fast as you can. Zoze of you on zee right zide of zee plane: thank you for flying Lufthansa!"

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Dockers4flag2035orB4@reddit

Funniest Lufthansa joke I remember was from the 60s

If you’re flying to London today, our pilots know the way.

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EngineersAnon@reddit

I heard that as a BOAC pilot calling Berlin for landing instructions. The tower asked if it was his first time flying to Frankfurt, to which the captain replied, "Negative, but it is my first time landing here."

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gargravarr2112@reddit

The one I heard:

A BOAC plane pushes back from the gate at Frankfurt airport and begins to slowly, hesitantly follow the taxiways. Ground controllers watch in frustration at the slow progress. Eventually the pilot calls up the tower,

"Sorry chaps, we're trying to figure out which taxiway to take."

The ground controller radios back, "BOAC pilot, have you never been to Frankfurt before??"

Cooly, the pilot replies, "Once, in 1944. It was dark. And we didn't land."

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harrygatto@reddit

It was BEA and not BOAC.

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blackcoren@reddit

Thank you for unfucking this joke.

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nylonnet@reddit

You know what the Germans say about war?

Third time lucky!

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miauguau44@reddit

When I first heard this joke it bombed.

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mdr1384@reddit

Still happening...

grampa47@reddit

Und those who don't remember if zey can swim, sit in platz, put your kopf between your legs und kiss your arsch goodbye.

Maleficent-Mirror296@reddit

Seats are floating devices. So no sweemers will be ok on the long run

Stekor-Tidder@reddit

"Seats are floating devices". Is that still useful information when the seats are attached to the inside of the flooding cabin?

AI Answer

Yes, airplane seat cushions are designed to act as flotation devices in a water landing. They are made of buoyant, closed-cell foam and can be pulled off the seat frame to be held against the chest, with straps on the back for a secure grip. They are tested to support an adult's weight.

Design & Function: Cushions are designed to keep you from drowning, but they are not as effective as life vests, which are preferred. They require the user to actively hold on and cannot keep an unconscious person's head above water.
Availability: While life vests are standard on many flights, some routes—specifically those that stay within 50 miles of land—may rely solely on these flotation cushions.
Usage in Emergency: In the event of a "ditching" (emergency water landing), passengers are instructed to pull the cushion up and away from the seat frame. They were famously used by passengers in the 2009 Hudson River landing.
Always check the safety card in the seat pocket to confirm the location of flotation equipment on your specific flight

TraditionWorried8974@reddit

After they hit the water:

English passenger: "We are sinking!"

The pilot: "What are you zinking about?"

Fractoos@reddit

Best German commercial ever: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0MUsVcYhERY

Pun_In_Ten_Did@reddit

I'm rather partial to the Volkswagon commercials with Peter Stomare.

Volkswagen: Un-pimp Your Ride, compilation.

ZephRyder@reddit

I forgot all about those!

BillWilberforce@reddit

We're they made for the German or US market?

Also rubbish trebuchet.

Can't say if they were made for a specific market -- US is where I saw them.

MvR74@reddit

Lol I never saw those, thanks!

Dangerous-Mouskowitz@reddit

Similarly:

https://youtu.be/2Nu49LAdAT0?si=5eUzx5Tilz0S8wZA

star_bury@reddit

How do you think the unthinkable?

With an ithberg.

Betialai@reddit

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=3RcrRRlKTUM

pulp_thilo@reddit

There are life vests under all seats...

Comfortable-Web9455@reddit

I suggest you google what a joke is

That’s so funny! Thanks 😁

lemonrawr56@reddit

I hate to be that guy, but I don't get it...

Shaftway@reddit

They're getting the non-swimmers out of the way of the swimmers so that the swimmers have a better chance.

Jeggasyn@reddit

Right. So what's the pun and why does the pilot's accent matter throughout the joke?

coolguy420weed@reddit

It's just to emphasize that he's a German pilot flying for a German airline, because Germans are known for ruthless pragmatism. If it was, say, a Canadian guy, it would be wasted detail, but it isn't.

Fuzzybo@reddit

You’re all going to die. Sorry, eh?

elifer5000@reddit

I think it's that "thank you" would sound like "sink you" with that accent. Doesn't improve the joke, though.

kgully2@reddit

why is the german airline pilot on a german airline not speaking german instead of badly accented english?

ComfortableUnhappy25@reddit

A Lufthansa pilot was making a routine, short haul flight inside Germany when it was time to land. Switching the radio to the frequency used by air traffic control at the airport (the frequency that everyone taking off or landing there would be using) the pilot, speaking German, identified his aircraft and requested permission to land.

After a brief pause, the air traffic controller replied that he would have to repeat his request, this time in English.

The pilot was not happy. “I don’t understand. I’m a German pilot flying for a German airline and landing in a German city. Why must I make the request in English?”

Without hesitation, another pilot on that channel (but with an obvious British accent) keyed the mic and said “Because we won the bloody war!”

Gandgareth@reddit

This is what I thought of, lol, the version I heard was like a song-song British accent "Because we won the war!"

popsiclesix@reddit

Because it's a joke and Germans lack a sense of humor!

Not exactly.

They actually had a comedian, Henning Wegn (but he left Germany and moved to England.)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xdr1OYo_60I

DragonliFargo@reddit

Unfunny answer: English is the official and mandated language of aviation, internationally.

I learned this when I discovered https://www.liveatc.net/ -- so many accents heard when you listen to air traffic control.

curiousmind111@reddit

Worse, zey sound French!!!

maybe it's funnier in german. or french

BenMic81@reddit

Trust me, there’s no language where this is funny. Except Maybe in Dutch.

Blue_foot@reddit

On an international flight, I believe Lufthansa gives an announcement in German first, than in English.

BedaFomm@reddit

My uncle used to travel to Germany a lot on business.

“Oh ha? vot did he do?”

He was a bomb aimer in a Lancaster.

Pootle001@reddit

My grandfather told me he used to to visit Germany in his Lancaster bomber. He never stopped over, he just dropped something off.

NetDork@reddit

Reminds me of when my coworker was talking about his trip to Japan and asking if anyone else had gone. I said my grandfather was going to go over but didn't. He asked why and I responded, "They surrendered."

ihathtelekinesis@reddit

You’d never get that on BA. Just a “we’re doing our damndest to get them going again; I trust you’re not in too much distress.”

StoneyBolonied@reddit

Ryanair:

"Count your lucky stars we even made it this far!"

"When the oxygen masks drop, please swipe your credit card in the slot to activate them."