A man got divorced...

Posted by Device420@reddit | Jokes | View on Reddit | 71 comments

A guy finds an old lamp and gives it a rub. A genie pops out.

The genie says I will grant you three wishes, but there are rules. One wish has to be good for you, two have to be bad for you. And whatever you wish for, your ex wife gets double.

The guy thinks for a second and says alright. For my first wish I want a million dollar mansion sitting on one hundred acres, with a safe inside that has ten million dollars in it.

The genie snaps his fingers. Done. And your ex wife now has a two million dollar ranch on two hundred acres with a safe holding twenty million.

The guy shakes his head but says okay. For my second wish I want you to give my ex wife half of everything I have.

The genie looks at him for a moment, then snaps again. Done. Which means she now has to give you all of hers.

The guy smiles. Perfect.

The genie says alright, last wish. This one has to be bad for you.

The guy takes a breath and says fine. I want you to beat me half to death.

The genie pauses, looks at him, then slowly smiles.

[-]

The_Thesaurus_Rex@reddit

He could have wished vor even more money and the wives only gets 99% of everything he gets.

then he could wish for a slight injury.

SerDankTheTall@reddit

Think it needs a couple more lines to really land.

The genie understood what the guy was going for. Oh I see. Because since your ex wife gets double, that would mean she'd get beaten all the way to death.

The man nods. That's right. I want you to murder my ex wife.

BarracudaDelicious49@reddit

I agree. Spoon feed the audience. People hate feeling clever for figuring things out.

lSGlNedved@reddit

Not sure about the second one. Is he his ex-wife's ex-wife?

MikeLinPA@reddit

It happens double to her. He has to give her 50% and she has to give him 100%.

A3thereal@reddit

That was understood, but he phrased as "to my ex-WIFE". HE is not capable of being a wife, so she does not (presumably) have an ex-wife to give the double of half of everything to.

Sorry, I miss-understood.

Mental_maelstrom@reddit

I always heard the punchline as "I wish for a mild heart attack"

ScaryRun619@reddit

Does that mean the ex gets an 18 inch penis?

EkyngYT@reddit

This is magnificent. You're not permitted within 100 feet of a genie

The last line ruins it

Ruins it? The joke has been around for eons and has survived well. Why do you think it ruins it?

Oh, the genie smiling. Yes.

plusFour-minusSeven@reddit

Yep. It reeks of "See? See what I did there? That was funny, right?"

Davebobman@reddit

I would like to think that it is a classic case of a malicious genie, in that he found a way to turn the wishes around on the wisher.

An example I have already seen is that the genie could beat the ex half-to-death twice. That wouldn't be consistent with how the previous wishes were fulfilled but implied rules are exactly the sort of loophole a malicious genie would take advantage of.

My own twist is that the timing and circumstances were also implied rules. There is no reason the genie has to immediately grant the wish. It could wait until beating the wisher half-to-death would lead to circumstance killing them (ie while hiking in the woods) and would save the ex (ie while visiting a hospital).

Legitimate_Formal_47@reddit

You’re joke was funnier 😂

darthy_parker@reddit

Yep

TheeAincientMariener@reddit

Yup

smee_benny@reddit

Yap

HopefulPlantain5475@reddit

Yop

keijodputt@reddit

Yip

Abner_Mality_64@reddit

Yorp

Jose_Jalapeno@reddit

Yarp

EobardT@reddit

Narp?

Psychological_Cell_2@reddit

Yump

Fresh_Blackberry6446@reddit

Yimp

bestsmithfam@reddit

Yasp

mohirl@reddit

That's not fair.. The while thing is awful

cookerg@reddit

You don't need the last line.

ColossalFuckboy@reddit

Should have been “The genie fainted.”

TheCheshirreFox@reddit

Nah, he was a bus driver

sexy-geek@reddit

So the genie beats his ex wife half to death.. Twice.

idk012@reddit

So 3/4 dead.

notyourregularninja@reddit

Not like the other ex wifw got two 1 million dollar house. She got 1 two million dollar house. So the wish doesn’t repeat but is double effective

wvmusicmaster@reddit

I'm confused! How does the second wish make the ex give him everything?

DrDysonIdo@reddit

Half of everything times two = everything

zulufdokulmusyuze@reddit

this assumes that the wishes come true in order. there is no reason for the ex-wife to wait until she receives the half to give all of what she has. so the man should have 2.5 and the ex-wife should have 0.5 (the half she receives simultaneously as she gave her 2) after the second wish comes true.

but the second wish is pointless anyway since she is dying with the next wish. he could have just asked for even more for himself.

chyld989@reddit

No, because the second wish had to be bad for him so he couldn't have wished for more for himself.

Prossibly_Insane@reddit

He gave his ex half of everything, and she gets double ( gives him everything).

I got that part, but how did it go back to him, not someone else?

EdsTooLate@reddit

He is her ex-wife

I get that idea, but thought anything earned after a divorce doesn't get shared with an ex. Like, say, they divorced and the next month she wins the Powerball, she wouldn't be required to share it with him.

dirt_shitters@reddit

The wish is "give ex wife half of everything." When the wish is also applied to the wife she now gives double of half, which is everything. The wording is kind of off, and the last line is stupid. It's an old joke that OP kinda ruined

20Factorial@reddit

It should have said “give my ex-spouse half of everything”, as she doesn’t have an ex-wife.

OHFUCKMESHITNO@reddit

It's not earned, it's a magic wish from a genie.

Boot_Effective@reddit

And everyone clapped.
The nurse fainted.
That line up there. I can't even make myself write it.

jomabu23@reddit

Call me old fashioned, but I just can't find humor in murder.

Malvastor@reddit

Can't spell "slaughter" without "laughter".

Actually that's kind of funny...

MechaSkippy@reddit

Yeah, would have been better if he'd asked to lose half his friendships or something.

"Oh boy, my last wish! Golly Gee Genie, I wish you'd make me lose half my chocolate bar!" You can regain friendships, you can buy another chocolate bar, you can't un-die.

I know it's just for humor but the "wishing death" by a vindictive ex trope is just a bit creepy to me.