A man goes to the doctor...
Posted by IllegalGeriatricVore@reddit | Jokes | View on Reddit | 71 comments
The doctor asks the man, "What seems to be the problem, sir?"
The man says, "Well doc, this is gonna sound a little weird. I wasn't even sure if I should come to you about it, but you know what they say, better safe than sorry!"
The doctor says, "I've heard everything there is. Out with it man, what seems to be the problem?"
The man says, "Well doc, here's the thing. My shit doesn't stink anymore."
"Your shit doesn't stink anymore?" the doctor repeats back as a question.
"Yes sir. I noticed it a month ago in late April. I was sitting down for my regular morning shit. Everything went well, firm, good size, came right out nice and smooth and that's when I noticed. No smell! Not a damn thing! I've just been wondering if something might be wrong." the man explains.
The doctor furrows his brow, "That is indeed puzzling, sir. It says here you're not married. And you live alone?"
"Just me and my dog." the man replies.
The doctor scribbles two prescriptions and hands them to the man, "Take one of each, once a day for two weeks and come back to me."
The man comes back two weeks later. Now he's angry. His face is red as he grumpily explains, "Doc, I don't know what you gave me, but ooh boy does my shit stink! I think you might have made things worse! I'm gagging in the bathroom! I can barely stand to be in the room with my own stink now! What in the hell did you give me?" he demands.
The doctor replies, "Nasal decongestant and antihistamine."
martintone@reddit
The only time my shit didn’t stink is when I was prescribed antibiotics and antiviral medication since the doctor didn’t know what it was. It was different colors and smelled like baby food. Lol
Alaspencils@reddit
Omg I had the same. It smelled like freshly cut grass!!
WannaBaCowboy@reddit
Pretty sure my shit smells better than Gerbers.
IsItSupposedToDoThat@reddit
Like custard and apple puree?That sounds delicious.
centstwo@reddit
Football Quarter back goes to the doctor. Doctor asks what’s wrong? Jock says, “Well doc, the head cheerleader wakes me up with a blowjob. Then after morning class, the teacher gives me another blowjob in her office. At lunch time the head cheerleader brings me lunch and another BJ. Then at tutoring the tutor wants to get busy on top of her desk. Then practice and I’m so tired. I go home and the cheerleader wants to go a couple of rounds before bed.”
Doc says, “So that is a lot, but what is the problem?”
Jock says, “Well doc, it hurts when I go to masturbate.”
Organic_Tradition_94@reddit
This reminds me of the joke about the old Jewish guy.
He goes into a confession booth and tells the priest about all the sex he’s getting. He was a wife in her 20’s, an 28 year old mistress and the Twin sister neighbours servicing him all day.
After the confession the priest says, “I’m sorry, but I can hear from your accent, but aren’t you Jewish?”
“Yes, I am.”
“Then why are you in a church telling me this?”
“Cause I’m telling everybody!”
Waitsfornoone@reddit
But what about the poor dog?
1800skylab@reddit
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head.
Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: ‘Can I help, sir?’
‘No thanks,’ says the blind bloke. ‘Just looking.’
Lopsided-Freedom3249@reddit
A guy doesn't know what's wrong with him, so he goes to the doctor. The doctor says hmm I need to do some tests, picks up a cat and swings it around over the guy. He tells the guy he'll call him, that'll be $500. $500????? says the guy? Yes, says the doctor. $50 for the exam, $450 for the cat scan.
franksymptoms@reddit
You forgot the Laborador Retriever, to charge for the lab work.
Lopsided-Freedom3249@reddit
Ooohhhhh I have to add that!
boots_the_barbarian@reddit
😂😂😂🤣🤣 ... God damn this is the funniest joke I've read on this forum
Relevant_Parsnip5056@reddit
?
IllegalGeriatricVore@reddit (OP)
I've never heard this one I'm dying
1800skylab@reddit
So was the dog.
Dzjeek@reddit
I wouldn't get hung up on that
rayray2xgmail@reddit
Wow. 😂
Stekor-Tidder@reddit
The version I heard was the blind bloke was pushing and poking his white stick everywhere knocking everything off the shelves.
Physical_Bar_4916@reddit
New one to me too. Added bonus, it's funny! 1800skylab, this jike deserves it's own post!
1800skylab@reddit
Feel free to carry the torch. I'm a lazy bum 😁
Head_Razzmatazz7174@reddit
I've heard this one before, and it's still funny,
Qpr1960@reddit
Two years on Reddit, first time I laughed out loud at a joke. Thank you 😊
ThoughtfulLlama@reddit
He also has a cat, but it didn't seem relevant to the story.
SpaceBug176@reddit
You shit with your dog in the bathroom with you?
IllegalGeriatricVore@reddit (OP)
My cats begged to be in the bathroom with me even during my worst shits
commentsrnice2@reddit
I had a cat beg to come in, took one whiff of the deuce I was dropping, then try to drag the door shut with their paw. It was the funniest thing I’d seen that week
leftcoast-usa@reddit
I don't know if I believe you, but it's pretty funny nevertheless.!
commentsrnice2@reddit
It works pretty consistently with the bath. If I just shut the door to take a bath, they beg to come in. If I turn on the bath first to show them what I’m doing, “ew water no thanks” and blessed silence
SpaceBug176@reddit
At that point, why do they even wanna go in?? There are only two things you can do in there, and they hate both things.
commentsrnice2@reddit
They don’t know that. Also she literally chose to sit in the bathtub while I was taking a dump so she could be closer to me. Codependent much?
SpaceBug176@reddit
Yeah but at that point, they're just asking for it, I won't feel bad about them.
mad_redhatter@reddit
You've never owned a chihuahua.
melina26@reddit
Or a German Shepherd
spillin@reddit
Or a beagle...
Sturville@reddit
And my axe
lark047@reddit
Sir this is a Wendys
DocHoliday8514@reddit
Or a Rottweiler
Decline_of_Humanity@reddit
Or a cat
LoftyQPR@reddit
The version I heard was an old lady farting a lot but at least they didn't stink and were silent, so nobody knew she was doing it. Doctor: "Good now we've fixed your sense of smell we'll get to work on your hearing!"
JSmellerM@reddit
I heard that one too but in the version I heard he writes it down since she is nearly deaf.
LoftyQPR@reddit
Wouldn't that spoil the punchline though? We'd already know up front why she didn't hear them.
JSmellerM@reddit
It is the punchline. Instead of saying it to her he nods and writes down on his notepad:"Patient's sense of smell has returned, prescribing xxx to restore her sense of hearing,"
LoftyQPR@reddit
Wouldn't he then have to use the notepad to initially prescribe the cure for her sense of smell? Which gives the game away.
JSmellerM@reddit
She describes her symptoms to which he nods and gives her medicine. He doesn't talk but also doesn't write anything down. Since you don't know the punchline beforehand you also don't question it that the doctor isn't talking directly to her.
ElDeguello66@reddit
I heard it as an old guy in church who asks a fellow congregant who's also a doctor for advice about him "passing silent gas" constantly during the sermon...
marycartlizer@reddit
This is the better version.
down2daground@reddit
Yes, because she believes her farts to be both silent and without smell, and she remarks to the doctor, “as a matter of fact, doctor I’ve farted several times while I’ve been here in the office with you.” the punchline reveals that she is mistaken, and the people around her have been too polite to speak to her about it. One of my favorite jokes, I laugh every time I tell it.
nooone2021@reddit
That reminds me of another version of this one.
Woman/man comes to a doctor that she/he farts, but that is ok, because she/he does it silently and it does not stink.
Doctor prescribes medications and instructs to come back in two weeks.
After two weeks patient returns annoyed: "What have you done, now the farts stink again?"
Doctor says: "OK, we have cured the smell, next is the hearing."
BuckWoody1206@reddit
😂😂😂😂😂😂
dennyitlo@reddit
Man: “My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”
Doctor: “Is this her first child?”
Man: “No, you idiot! This is her husband!”
Tinker107@reddit
Classic!
Loud-Vacation-5691@reddit
Little girl: "Daddy, are you going to put the Christmas tree up yourself?"
Daddy: "No, sweetie, I'm going to put it in the living room"
Decline_of_Humanity@reddit
I had to share this with everyone in earshot. Still laughing.
hazelcrone@reddit
Finally, a joke that I’ve read for about 3x a day in a row by now 🤣 it’s been a week btw
OutdoorRaleigh@reddit
Doc , my arm hurts whenever I do this, swings arm a little
Don't do that, 60 dollars please
Fresh_Blackberry6446@reddit
For us Americans, allow me to make a considerably less funny FIFY:
“Don’t do that, $6,000 please!”
Ooh-Rah@reddit
Finally, a joke I've never heard.
ThisIsntFunnyAnymor@reddit
I heard a version of this with an old lady whose farts were silent and didn't stink. The punchline was "nasal congestion and antihistamines. Now let's get you scheduled for the audiologist."
Background_Ad_5777@reddit
A blind friend told me this one 35 years ago Its still funny
coyoteatemyhomework@reddit
A blonde goes to the doctor and complains "it hurts when I touch here" as she touches her thigh "And it hurts here" as she touches her stomach "And here too" as she touches her cheek. Dr treats her for a broken finger.
xyzzytwistymaze@reddit
A blond goes to the doctor and tells him every time I drink coffee I get a sharp pain in my eye. Dr. tells her to take the spoon out.
eudjinn@reddit
A man goes to a doctor and says that everything hurts. Show me exactly the places that hurt. The head is aching, the man points the head with his finger, the leg the man points it, the chest, he points it, everything!
Oh, your finger is broken!
IllegalGeriatricVore@reddit (OP)
I, too, have seen House!
NastyLittleBagginses@reddit
This joke was ancient when I heard it in 1970.
BillWilberforce@reddit
Usually said by a blonde or a blonde who has dyed her hair and the doctor says "you're not really a brunette are you".
xyzzytwistymaze@reddit
A blond with dyed hair = artificial intelligence
HRDBMW@reddit
It was old when I heard it 30 years before I was born.
eudjinn@reddit
I heard this joke like in 1980s
Magmashift101@reddit
I’ve heard this one but it was a blonde joke
todudeornote@reddit
Can we ban this joke - it gets reposted like every week
Logical_Challenge540@reddit
Yeah, I feel a bit broken - when he said it stopped stinking, my first thought was "C pandemic"