A man goes to a prostitute.
Posted by floppybunny26@reddit | Jokes | View on Reddit | 133 comments
She can't stop talking about how awesome her pussy is.
To demonstrate, she says to him, "Put a finger in." He puts a finger in.
"Put two fingers in." He puts two fingers in.
"Put your hand in." He does.
"Put your other hand in." He does.
"Now, clap!" He says, "Um, I can't."
She says, "Tight, isn't it?"
dudebronahbrah@reddit
Two prostitutes are standing on the corner
One asks the other, “you ever been picked up by the fuzz?”
Other one says, “no, but I have been swung around by the tits a few times.”
Schyteria@reddit
some context to non native English speakers?
mjanes42@reddit
i agree
mightymousemg@reddit
"fuzz" is a slang term for police, but can also reference pubic hair
Lady 1: have you ever been picked up by the fuzz (police)
Lady 2, thinking fuzz as pubes: no but I've been swung by the tits (boobs)
Unknown9092@reddit
i agree
mjanes42@reddit
interesting
1009naturelover@reddit
Its old
1800skylab@reddit
Can you draw it for me?
FFF_in_WY@reddit
Only part of it
( o ) ( O)
They're a little uneven since the swinging incident.
Matt_hole1@reddit
( . Y .)
RansomStark78@reddit
I remember those
Best 1 dollar i spent at two for one store
physicsMathematics@reddit
Here is the other part \"|"/
_Wyrm_@reddit
Stop, please, I can only get so erect!
NullGWard@reddit
Using "fuzz" to refer to the police is American slang from around the 1970s. Younger Redditors may not get this joke either.
evilnickernacker@reddit
I mean, Hot Fuzz is a bit of a Reddit classic too!
codestar4@reddit
"The fuzz" is slang for the police. The prostitute is asking the other, "have you ever been picked up (arrested) by the fuzz (police)?"
The other prostitute assumes she means pubic hair. So she says, "No, I've never been picked up by my pubic hair, but I have been swung around by my tits (breasts)"
AllesPat@reddit
Thank you. I thought I did not understand it - turns out - its just not my kind of humor (usually I love jokes like that)
AuthorAsksQuestions@reddit
1 means arrested, 2 means grabbed by the pubes
CBryce@reddit
This one gave me a genuine belly laugh. I don't mean "breathed out through the nose hard." I mean, genuine belly laugh. So thanks for that.
series_of_derps@reddit
I remember when people used to type lol and meant it literal.
Unknown9092@reddit
interesting
e-katt@reddit
The real joke is always in the comments
NotNearlyNormal@reddit
The real joke was in the journey we all took together
samxmariex@reddit
If you hate the fuzz on your ass why don't you just shave it off
salty-all-the-thyme@reddit
I nearly woke up my daughter laughing at this
RMO-Baker@reddit
I’m in tearssss 😂 😂 😂
servonos89@reddit
Yeah fair play that got me
Dev__UwU@reddit
You cannot clap with one hand
Ok_Material_2982@reddit
Takes two hands to handle a whopper
boethius61@reddit
[insert Bart clapping with one hand gif]
floppybunny26@reddit (OP)
False! https://www.tiktok.com/@bretteldredge/video/7026092117764099333
olumide2000@reddit
https://pre-prod.gcuonlineprograms.com/social-work-bachelors/landing?aid=141576512584&cid=13064284210&creative=794865215260&device=m&gad_campaignid=13064284210&gad_source=1&gbraid=0AAAAADgSnLjBNW_HWKXZPpT4U1qfDGOwn&gclid=Cj0KCQjwy_fOBhC6ARIsAHKFB78ld4Pu6-G0JY9s7-EzDJtca6GQ6gY7q-AIWiSeJq2qiDz8zcO7xXwaAhtREALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds&kw=online+bachelor%27s+degree+in+social+work&mt=b&network=g&sid=eefdf22a-0dd2-4a63-b87e-ca7ea02ab540&subid=online+bachelor%27s+degree+in+social+work+b+m+g&targeting=gs
WarrenCorpus@reddit
OP’s handle tracks.
CxLi_IXIVII@reddit
Tuco said 'Tight'
paul_kiss@reddit
Tight! Tight! Tight!!!!!
Retir3d@reddit
First time I heard this was the summer of 1970 aboard the USS Truxton, DLGN 35
floppybunny26@reddit (OP)
Nice!
rhombism@reddit
Later at the hotel he goes down on her. While down there he says “Nice pussy. Nice pussy.”
She says “You didn’t have to say it twice.”
He replied “I didn’t. I didn’t”
tumunu@reddit
Fun fact: this joke is in the movie "Predator."
Even_Neighborhood_73@reddit
Is that the film about Jimmy Saville?
BeginningGrocery3693@reddit
Ahh yes , I remember being 14 yo and trying to sneak in an "R" rated movie. My mother walks into the room just in time to catch the entirety of said joke.
SumonaFlorence@reddit
Uggh, it was the opposite for me..
I got to watch it, then the joke came up and because Billy laughed, I thought it was funny too..
So I told it to my mother while on a car ride and I couldn't stop laughing.. I thought it was about giant cats.
She just continued to drive in silence..
vidfail@reddit
Can you sing it though?
Sooooomethiiiiiing's Ouuuuuut therrrrrre...
dudleymooresbooze@reddit
And you said “Sorry mom. Sorry mom.”
Speakertweaker@reddit
BRUH. 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Can-You-Fly-Bobby@reddit
I ain't got time to joke
Djokerrrr@reddit
Coz of the echo
Ben_Thar@reddit
It's a comedy movie, like Die Hard is a Christmas movie
IshtarJack@reddit
The "I'd like a little pussy" joke was good too.
dizzydad05@reddit
Oh man I don't remember this joke being in the movie...
Mattbl@reddit
It's in the helicopter when they're flying out to the objective.
GuyPierced@reddit
Also a fun fact: guy who stole that joke has never had an original thought in his entire life.
Mattbl@reddit
I love this entire scene, minus one word I can forgive them for b/c it was the 80s.
myassandadonut@reddit
First saw this joke performed in a 70's porno. The punch line went, "I didn't. I only said it once once once." 😄
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myassandadonut@reddit
I sit corrected. And thanks, bot!
314sn@reddit
I don’t get this one.
monsooncloudburst@reddit
I would repeat it for you but then it would sound like an echo.
KrisRdt@reddit
You don't have to repeat, he already caught it on the echo.
Slow-Piano7678@reddit
😂 the echo
secretprocess@reddit
😂 the echo
OverallManagement824@reddit
^^the echo
rgalexan@reddit
I went to a whore.
He said my life's a bore.
floppybunny26@reddit (OP)
Neurotic when we bone, no doubt about it.
boethius61@reddit
So quit your whining!
Blairkids@reddit
😶
Famous-Garbage-5024@reddit
Tight Tight Tight
vonhoother@reddit
There was a young woman named Dinah
Whose vastly proportioned vagina,
With proper sized cocks,
Resounded with Bach's
Toccata and Fugue in D Minor.
DrLycFerno@reddit
Bach doesn't rhyme like that though.
ZZZZard@reddit
One hooker asks to another: do you think i can take the pill whie having diharrea?
The other one says: well sure but why don't you take it with water instead?
boethius61@reddit
Did you mess it up on purpose for a lark, or do you not get the joke?
Because the joke is built on the premise that, 'take the pill with diarrhea' can be interpreted 2 ways. It could mean 'while having' diarrhea or it could mean using diarrhea to wash down the pill. But you've pre-clarified it to while having, so there's no reason for the second hooker to make a mistake.
aksdb@reddit
„Having something“ can also mean taking/eating something, can it not? As in „I‘ll have the large fries.“
sc182@reddit
Yes but then the second line should follow that trend, “well sure but why don’t you have it with water instead”
aksdb@reddit
Fair.
Spudmay@reddit
Man, I heard that joke 20 years ago in highschool lol
NastyLittleBagginses@reddit
Don't think I've thought of this joke since 3rd grade. It was bad then, roo.
Zakluor@reddit
I hate roo jokes.
No_Warthog_3584@reddit
What do you call a lazy kangaroo? A pouch potato!
Zakluor@reddit
Suddenly, I like them!
Hey_cool_username@reddit
Did you know you can fit three koalas in a kangaroos pouch? I could prove it to you but apparently I’ve been banned from the zoo.
floppybunny26@reddit (OP)
Lol. This is a cute little bit.
deleted_by_reddit@reddit
[removed]
dizzydad05@reddit
I'm not even fixing auto connect anymore
ardotschgi@reddit
I heard it for the first time and I quite like it
Wide_With_Opinions@reddit
Q. How can you tell the retired prostitute, when she walks into the bar?
A. When she sits down on the bar stool, she lands on the floor.
Letterkenny_Irish@reddit
Guy takes a prostitute out for dinner.
He gave her his peas... She gave him herpes.
wolfmankal@reddit
peas
PossiblyMakingThisUp@reddit
Green peaness
Letterkenny_Irish@reddit
This is glorious
professorsundevil@reddit
A man and a woman went out on a beautiful evening for dinner and things started to wrap up and both decided to go back to the woman's place for some intimate copulation. The man started undress the woman only to find out she had the biggest vagina in the world and started to hammer away at her vagina. 1, 2, 3 and the man falls in cock and balls first. He walks around inside the vagina and finds a flash light. He keeps on walking but then bumps into something and loses his flashlight. Stumbling around in the wet gash, the man bumps into two other men. The man says to the two "follow me and we can find a way out." The second says "follow me and we can find the flashlight to find a way out." The third says "help me find my keys and we'll drive out of here!"
b4aLt1m0re@reddit
"stumbling around in the wet gash" is legendary
FFF_in_WY@reddit
Suck it, Bill Shakespeare
STGC_1995@reddit
Now you know why they call an STD the clap.
WhiteLycan2020@reddit
I don’t get it
Sarke1@reddit
AMD YOU NEVER WILL!
HeavenBreak@reddit
Knowing how prostitutes work isn't the flex you think it is
Adorable-Response-75@reddit
Redditors believe that sex with multiple people loosens the vagina but sex with the same person does not. It doesn’t make any sense, and the joke is not funny if you have brain cells.
loganman711@reddit
See, I use my few braincells to understand that sex doesn't "loosen the vagina" but that op was in a joke sub reddit making a joke, so not everything here has to make sense. Lighten up.
JaguarMammoth6231@reddit
Most redditors don't
WhiteLycan2020@reddit
What’s the joke? Her vagina is so used he has to put 2 hands in and can’t clap because the space between his hands is too far apart? Aka her vagina isn’t as tight?
So she is confidently bragging about something that isn’t true? I mean…is this ironic humor?
floppybunny26@reddit (OP)
You must be fun at parties.
OverallManagement824@reddit
What do you hear when you shout into a cave?
WhiteLycan2020@reddit
An echo?
OverallManagement824@reddit
Correct, you pussy. Correct, you pussy.
(Sorry, just trying to be funny by sticking with the theme. No offense intended, you pussy)
TehZerp@reddit
Gotta agree with you. I just don't get it right now.
UncleTouchyCopaFeel@reddit
That's adorable.
Glenno420@reddit
What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
Full up.
Jerdogg23@reddit
But it’s not tight, he put both hands in it
STexan@reddit
If there’s any flies on you, they’re paying rent.
beshelzetub@reddit
😂
Jerdogg23@reddit
So I’m dirty?
floppybunny26@reddit (OP)
Yeah but he can't clap. It's that tight.
Jerdogg23@reddit
Not tight enough
Granite66@reddit
A patch wearing pirate went up to a prostitute, "How much for a fingerbang." The prostitute was stumped.
khannooniansing@reddit
Dolemite, Rudy Ray Moore
zeissikon@reddit
Honey , can you remove your wedding ring , you are hurting me ? -I have no wedding ring, it is probably my watch.
Ooga-Booga-2112@reddit
I don’t get it…
glragavan@reddit
It's not actually tight, Coz you can put 2 whole hands inside....but she says it's tight, coz he can't clap
leaderofstars@reddit
Loose as fuck
cavegoatlove@reddit
Get into my van and let’s plan way out
Chaotic424242@reddit
"Walk? Help me find my keys and we'll drive outta here."
SimonNicols@reddit
Good ol’ #17
Neat-Weird-4585@reddit
To get pegged
FunDivertissement@reddit
This belongs in r/badwomensanatomy
theclapp@reddit
Nice.
OneFingerIn@reddit
I approve
Miles_High_Monster@reddit
I does too
Zemom1971@reddit
I would clap but I am too tight.
TootTootMF@reddit
The boomierist of humors
deadspacekillers@reddit
Omfg
Shop_Kooky@reddit
Toight
harryregician@reddit
Almost as old as me joke
kdssek@reddit
The joke is probably as old as the pussy in its own joke.