A woman is diagnosed with stage IV throat cancer.
Posted by overactor@reddit | Jokes | View on Reddit | 78 comments
A man sits by his wife’s bed in the oncology ward. She has Stage IV throat cancer, and the prognosis is dark. She’s scheduled for a radical, life-saving surgery the next morning, but the doctors have been blunt: they have to remove a significant portion of her throat and vocal cords. She will never speak, swallow, or use her throat the same way again.
She looks at her husband, her voice a raspy silver. "I want to do something for you," she whispers. "One last time, while I still can. I want to give you oral sex." The husband is taken aback. "Honey, no. You’re weak, you’re in pain... we don't have to do that." But she insists. She tells him it’s the only way she can feel like a "whole woman" before the surgery changes her forever. She begs him until he finally, reluctantly, agrees. It is a quiet, bittersweet, and incredibly emotional moment in the dim hospital light.
The next morning, she is wheeled into surgery. The husband sits in the waiting room, bracing for a ten-hour ordeal. But after barely an hour, the lead surgeon walks out into the waiting area.
The man's heart sinks into his stomach. He stands up, trembling, his voice breaking. "Is she... is she gone? Did I lose her?"
"No, no," the surgeon says, looking like he’s seen a ghost. "We didn't even pick up the scalpel. We did a final localized scan to map the margins, and the tumors... they're just gone. There isn't a single malignant cell left in her throat." The surgeon asks if the husband had any possible explanation, anything at all to do with the woman's throat. Though it's embarrassing, the man tells the surgeon about what his wife did for him the night before the surgery. It's the only thing he can think of.
A week of tests follows. The hospital’s research team eventually brings the couple into a private office. "Sir, we’ve discovered something miraculous. Your body produces a rare, localized enzyme. When it makes contact with cancerous tissue, it triggers immediate, total cellular necrosis. You are a walking, biological cure."
The doctor sighs, looking at his notes. "We're going to try to synthesize it, but the molecular structure is volatile and it seems to be more complex than we understand, because your sperm isn't nearly as effective in lab conditions. It’s going to take us months, maybe years, to replicate this effect without the... direct involvement of your penis. But your wife is fully cured and this could save millions more in the future."
The wife is besides herself with joy, clutching the husband's hand. But the husband is staring at the floor, his face turning a sickly shade of grey.
"Honey?" she asks, her voice now perfectly clear. "What is it? This is a miracle!".
The husband looks up, his eyes filled with a thousand-yard stare.
"My father called this morning... he was just diagnosed with Stage IV rectal cancer."
One-eyed-snake@reddit
I’ve heard a different version of this joke where the man, broken down in tears says “if I had only known sooner….i could have saved mom”
overactor@reddit (OP)
Someone posted that one and I fm dient think it worked very well, so I decided to rewrite it.
agate_@reddit
You've got a better chance of beating Stephen Curry at 3-pointers than you do at beating Gilbert Gottfried at dirty jokes.
overactor@reddit (OP)
I'm admittedly not really familiar with Gilbert Gottfried and I haven't seen him perform the original. All I know is that the version I saw didn't work very well in written form. Maybe it is written specifically with Gottfried's delivery in mind, maybe it wasn't reroldb very well by the person who posted it, maybe it's just a matter of taste.
I'm also not starting from scratch. I'm stealing most of the joke from him.
SIR_TOKEZ@reddit
All you did was add a shitload of filler, Gottfried is the GOAT, you sir are a joke thief.
CIDR-ClassB@reddit
Everyone is a joke thief.
overactor@reddit (OP)
If you can't tell what the fucking of the added comment is, that's on you. If you need me to, I can tell you the purpose of every single somewhat major change I made from the version I saw.
And I wouldn't claim this as my own original joke. I don't think you have to disclose it you heard the joke somewhere or if it's original in this subreddit, do you?
WellTrained_Monkey@reddit
ackchyually...
hypo-osmotic@reddit
I'm gonna take your side on this, OP, Gottfried's strength is in his delivery and his jokes in written form only work because that delivery is so distinctive that people can still imagine his voice telling them. Just transcribing what he says word-for-word won't be effective for people who are unfamiliar with him
Fortapistone@reddit
😂 oh shit
a_Joan_Baez_tattoo@reddit
It's a Gilbert Gottfried joke that was posted here earlier today.
MurseMan1964@reddit
Saw that earlier too. OP just switched up a few things and basically reposted the same joke.
overactor@reddit (OP)
It's the same premise but I did change a lot about the setup as well. I really didn't like the written out version I saw. But this version of the punchline with "if only I had know sooner" really improves it a ton. It's amazing how a tiny detail can completely make a joke.
I think there's merit to my version of the punchline as well, because you get to save the element of anal sex until the end and the idea of knowing what you have to do but not wanting to do it is funny in a different way from wanting to do it but no longer having the chance.
deenath247@reddit
Father in law would just that little bit funnier.
LuckyFarmGirl1960@reddit
Exactly what I thought! "Your father called..." is a teeny bit better!
Darthob@reddit
I’m guessing you have no idea who Gilbert Gottfried was. That joke is quintessentially him and perfectly composed.
overactor@reddit (OP)
Did you see the way it was written in the post I saw it in our do you mean the way Gottfried told it?
monsieur_cacahuete@reddit
I hope this is a bit
monsieur_cacahuete@reddit
Boo. Hiss.
skanktastik@reddit
Your version was clunky and awkward.
Tigger28@reddit
Yours is better
slade51@reddit
Your punchline is hard to swallow
Sodom_Laser@reddit
Don’t be a pain in the ass.
Ildskalli@reddit
I found your version much improved, and am surprised to learn that it isn’t the original. I thought the one posted this morning had been mangled, as people are wont to do to jokes.
mohirl@reddit
You mean the one that was posted yesterday?
MrJackdaw@reddit
This is a better punchline, and it was pretty good already!
mkaszycki81@reddit
Another alternative punchline I heard:
Upon hearing this, the man staggers, falls into a chair, visibly devastated.
What's wrong, honey? - asks the wife
I, I could have saved mom! Uncle Ted! Fido!!!
DeepestBlue2@reddit
If only he'd broken both arms...
borazine@reddit
Was his mom Farah Fawcett?
Spyd3rs@reddit
That's the punchline I remember.
Moston_Dragon@reddit
I also remember the punchline being he could save his dad
maidentaiwan@reddit
That punchline is 100x better
fph03n1x@reddit
Yep. The better version is always in comments
traugdor@reddit
Of course you know this means that she's never once done the sucky sucky with him.
Fury_Fury_Fury@reddit
I cannot in good conscience wish actual harm on a stranger, but I hope that watever brain circuitry you've got for your non-dominant hand, it clones to the other side, and both of your hands kind of suck. When you brush your teeth, the brush goes in your nose sometimes, you can't eat soup without immediate cleanup, can't read your own handwriting anymore, have to buy shoes without shoelaces, et cetera.
TinyNiceWolf@reddit
I share your outrage and agree that they should have used the correct terminology, "the old sucky sucky".
pants_of_antiquity@reddit
After that comment, I'd hate to see what you'd consider actual harm.
TeeTipu@reddit
Easy there Satan.
Snuggles1960@reddit
I am on my 3rd treatment for throat cancer, lung cancer esophageal cancer over past 5 years. I want you to know I laughed my ass off. Thank you that. Oh by the way i never used tobacco!!!!Go figure
overactor@reddit (OP)
I'm glad you got a kick out of this. I hope your treatment goes as well as it possibly can. Cancer can go fuck itself.
todudeornote@reddit
That was dark... well done
EricUAE@reddit
lol take my upvote
Talory09@reddit
Did you mean that her voice was a raspy sliver? Maybe a raspy sliver of its former self? You typed "silver".
I'd never heard this before, and I'm old and have heard a LOT of jokes in my life. It's funny!
overactor@reddit (OP)
I fully meant to type a raspy sliver and didn't catch it when proofreading.
Talory09@reddit
When our own brain is the one doing the proofreading, it can try to slyly prank us, as well. I can't tell you how many times I've double-typed a word in a sentence and my brain says, "Oh yes! That looks fi-i-i-ne! Go with it!"
zamfire@reddit
So why not just have the dude jizz in a jar and pops rub it in him self?
OldManTimeMachine@reddit
I wish I hadn’t read this. I was hoping for originality.
Ok-Mongoose-7870@reddit
Really not a nice joke to be putting out on SoMe. There are real people and families who suffer because of this disease.
Old-Kernow@reddit
Post your jokes about unicorns and rainbows then
Westy___758@reddit
Something to lighten the mood.
A mans wife is in a coma for years. One day the Dr. said, sometimes oral sex can help break people out of a coma. The man says ok and goes into the room. A few moments later all the machines are beeping and making noise. The man calls for the Dr. the Dr. comes rushing in asking if it worked, and if she is awake. The man say no, she’s choking
woozleuwuzzle@reddit
I thought of Norm telling this one when reading OP’s joke.
RIP that old chunk of coal.
Lanster27@reddit
The only unrealistic part is you have to suck dick to feel like a woman.
SIR_TOKEZ@reddit
You would know
Lanster27@reddit
All too well, and I'm not even a whole woman.
SIR_TOKEZ@reddit
Oh damn, so you REALLY know. That’s gotta be tiring
That-Ad757@reddit
How is cancer funny. I buried my brother last Friday. Maybe its just me
Zemom1971@reddit
Well, if you had the courage to help him with your penis maybe he would have survive.
jmac313@reddit
Well, we all cope with trauma in different ways. My mother died of Stage IV two months ago, and for five years, up to the day of, the cancer jokes were flying. Obviously not everyone's cup of tea. Condolences.
macbot21@reddit
Laughter is the best medicine
overactor@reddit (OP)
I don't know, medicine is pretty good medicine too.
ItaGuy21@reddit
And that man's sperm too
Shop_Kooky@reddit
I’m sorry for your loss
overactor@reddit (OP)
I'm sorry to hear that. I lost my dad to cancer two years ago. Maybe it would be best to not read jokes about this topic for a while.
mmbtc@reddit
It's not bad, and well written. I just think the Gilbert Godfrey version already is perfection, just because of his style and crudeness.
skanktastik@reddit
And brevity
HBKdfw@reddit
For all the wives out there - his wife didn’t give him oral sex in the amount of time it took her to get stage III throat cancer.
If only she’d done it sooner, they could have avoided a medical bankruptcy
fonefreek@reddit
He stares deeply into his wife’s eyes and growled, “Payback time.”
Greensparow@reddit
As cancer is something that has affected a lot of people I don't find this super amusing, which also means it bothered me that you used stage IV for the joke, cause stage 4 is when it spreads to other organs, so the joke would work better if you said stage 2 or 3
overactor@reddit (OP)
I'm sorry ifv it caused you distress. I purposely put the carvery in the title so people who don't want to hear jokes about this topic can avoid it. For what it's worth, my dad died of prostate cancer almost 2 years ago now.
You're right that stage III would have made more sense. I didn't think that through fully and just thought stage IV worked best as a shorthand for "really serious". I would probably change it if I could.
Greensparow@reddit
No no, it's not causing me distress, we are all good there, I just wanted to give context as to why I focused on the details cause it was just inherently less funny for me.
I'm a firm believe that you can joke about anything in the right context.
SIR_TOKEZ@reddit
Not causing you distress??? you literally took the time to get butthurt and reply to a joke on Reddit. lol sybau
overactor@reddit (OP)
Okay, good to know. I couldn't change the title, but I did manage to change it in the joke. Thanks for the feedback.
Shop_Kooky@reddit
🤣🤣🤣
yawa_bl@reddit
Plot twist 🤣
Flipmstr2@reddit
Dude has some magic penisillin
Apprehensive_lad1960@reddit
Choice
NevRaDull_Moment1969@reddit
Didn't see that cumming...😂🤣🤣😂
fscarlet20@reddit
Ouch