****-VERY NSFW--****Gilbert Gottfried Joke
Posted by dirtybird971@reddit | Jokes | View on Reddit | 147 comments
****-VERY NSFW--****
A man goes to see his wife in the hospital. She has been getting sicker and sicker and is clearly in the final days of her life. He goes to her and holds her hand and stares into his wife's eyes and asks her if there is anything at all he can do for her. His wife can barely speak and her skin is pale, cheeks sunken. She asks her husband to please, fuck her in the a**. The husband is surprised at her request and asks her if she is sure. With the same weak voice she again asks him to fuck her in the a**. The man is unsure but wants to do as his wife asks. He gets up and closes the door and moves to the bed. He goes to his wife and starts fucking her in the a**. As he is fucking her she starts moaning loudly. The color is returning to her cheeks. She is getting louder and louder screaming out YES! Then suddenly the man gets off her, burying his face in his hands crying. The woman goes to him and tells him she feels amazing and asks what was wrong? The man sobbing, lifts his head and tells her "I could have saved my father."
RIP Gilbert Gottfried, another comedy legend gone.
Sketchy-saurus@reddit
Feels like a joke that started with a punchline, but didn’t really make a clear path to it.
overactor@reddit
It's so bad. Here's how I'd improve it:
A man sits by his wife’s hospital bed, clutching her hand. She’s been diagnosed with Stage IV rectal cancer, and the prognosis is grim. She’s scheduled for a high-risk emergency surgery the next morning, a procedure so invasive that the surgeons warned her she’d lose all sensation in that area forever, even if she survived. Tearfully, she looks at her husband and makes one final, desperate request. "I want to feel you there one last time," she whispers. "Before I lose it all."
The husband is hesitant, but he loves her. They consult her oncologist and the lead surgeon. Surprisingly, the doctors agree that since it’s her last night before a life-altering procedure, they’ll allow them some private time. It is a bittersweet, emotional encounter, a final goodbye to their intimacy as they knew it.
The next day, she is wheeled into the OR. The husband is a nervous wreck in the waiting room, bracing for a grueling six-hour surgery. But after only one hour, the doors swing open and the surgeon walks out, mask hanging around his neck.
The husband’s heart drops. "Is she... is she gone?" "Quite the opposite," the surgeon says, looking stunned. "We opened her up to begin the resection, and the tumors... they were just gone. It’s a medical miracle. We ran an immediate biopsy on the remaining tissue." A few days later, the pathology report comes back with an impossible discovery. The husband possesses a highly specific, undiagnosed enzyme in his semen that, when introduced to the specific environment of the lower intestine, acts as a hyper-aggressive biological "seek-and-destroy" agent for Stage IV malignant cells.
The doctors are ecstatic. "You've cured her!" the oncologist exclaims. "If we can replicate this enzyme, we could save millions of lives. It'll take years to synthesize, of course, but for now, you have the literal 'Golden Touch.'"
The wife is elated, beaming with a new lease on life. But she looks over and sees her husband slumped in a chair, his face buried in his hands, shaking with deep, guttural sobs.
"Honey, what’s wrong?" she asks, stroking his hair. "I’m cured! We have our whole lives back! Why are you so devastated?". The husband looks up, his eyes red and brimming with tears of pure agony.
"My father called me this morning... his Stage IV biopsy just came back positive."
Wylie_the_Wizard@reddit
It was a backdoor punchline
Calm_Canary@reddit
Why did you censor “ass” but not “fucking”?
Hambert59@reddit
Because he's a fucking ass, that's why. 🤣
leftcoast-usa@reddit
No, he's a fucking a**
Hambert59@reddit
Oh yeah, that's right. Sorry. 🤣🤣🤣
robgod50@reddit
Oh! I thought he was fucking her in the ARM!! makes more sense now.
Reconlobster@reddit
The ole poophole loophole
Mikestopheles@reddit
It appears to have backfired
leftcoast-usa@reddit
...and boy are the nurses mad!
helloyesnoyesnoyesno@reddit
Butt we still don't know why
Poopy_pickup_artist@reddit
This thread will go down in the anals of history
Nice_Anybody2983@reddit
Ass these threads tend to do
walrus0115@reddit
Doo doo won't go the way of the Dodo.
ZimMatt@reddit
Username checks out.
EntertainmentOdd1789@reddit
Along with the discovery of fire, the invention of the submarine, and the Flint, Michigan Mega Bowl.
Ddc203@reddit
Hold my beads, I’m going in!
DEIreboot@reddit
The ole oopsie poopsie
R_A_H@reddit
That word didn't get unalived yet
dirtybird971@reddit (OP)
I didn't do it recently and pulled it from my FB memories. My friends know I'm crass.
iSkulk_YT@reddit
I think you meant cra**.
Equivalent-Draft9248@reddit
I think your friends know you're **ass
Vercci@reddit
You sure you aren't a**uming?
IncreaseCertain9697@reddit
Did you mean cra**?
onlyonequickquestion@reddit
You man cra**?
D1rtyH1ppy@reddit
For the children reading this
ReplyNo7464@reddit
Because the only other spelling OP knows is "ahh"
TheRealJasonium@reddit
He also censored the line breaks.
willy--wanka@reddit
Should have censored the punchline as well.
middleagedishalfdead@reddit
Puritan up bringing. Lol
Smrtihara@reddit
Ass. See! You can write ass without dying!
Ass, ass, ass.
azkikr@reddit
A As As Ass
OMG it w*rks
TsunamiCatCakes@reddit
j*b
Vercci@reddit
hunter2's a**
kevronwithTechron@reddit
Mine says *
helloyesnoyesnoyesno@reddit
WARNING!!! EXTREMELY NSFW!!!
sudomatrix@reddit
and LONG!!!
Ornac_The_Barbarian@reddit
Extremely NSFW and long...reminds me of me.
ProbablyGonnaEatYou@reddit
I'm telling mom
Relevant_Cause_4755@reddit
Or even arse.
The_Painless@reddit
Can't remember where I saw this (Twitter maybe?) but there was this Middle Eastern guy called Nasser who went to a university and they censored his name on their systems, which actually made it much worse, as it now showed as "N***er".
ahjteam@reddit
https://www.reddit.com/r/gaming/comments/znfw7y/my_name_is_nasser_the_game_is_censoring_the_word/
Telemere125@reddit
Bender, stop trying to destroy the world!
MaestroSG@reddit
Antiquing?
RojoTheMighty@reddit
Funderful!
Saph390@reddit
https://i.pinimg.com/originals/25/1f/c4/251fc4a23cb5d091b9f7a53a69dcc996.gif
smartdark@reddit
Do you want him AssAssinated?
Poopy_pickup_artist@reddit
And apparently if you fuck that ass, you won't die either!
TheCarrzilico@reddit
What the fuck?
pmjwhelan@reddit
I see you have not posted in the five minutes since writing this so I assume you are dead. RIP.
Ozymandias86@reddit
I feel dumb, I don't get it.
IHaveTheBestOpinions@reddit
You're not dumb, it just doesn't really make sense
No-Raisin-6469@reddit
Same here...i think its better coming Gilbert.
squrr1@reddit
He has a magic penis, or something to that effect. He thinks doing the same thing to his dad on his death bed would have healed him.
VexImmortalis@reddit
I don't see any evidence to say it wouldn't have
match_@reddit
Worked for me
JeebusCrispy@reddit
He's sad because he thinks he could have butt sexed his father back to health as well.
Ozymandias86@reddit
Ah
Money-Document-26@reddit
He would have fucked his dad in the ass to save him.
squeezy102@reddit
This is tagged “VERY NSFW,” “Long,” and is neither.
Also, weird censoring of words. Censors “ass”, but doesn’t censor “fucking?”
The hell’s going on here?
eldroch@reddit
Relax, Liberals. It's called "dark humor"
anandonaqui@reddit
Where do you work where you would tell this joke at work?
rocketman0739@reddit
NSFW is supposed to mean "you'll get in trouble if someone walks by while you're looking at it," not "it's inappropriate to share it with your coworkers." A very vanilla image of a topless woman is thus probably more NSFW than the most horrifying text post you can think of.
peepeedog@reddit
I have never worked anywhere that I couldn’t tell this joke at work. I wouldn’t tell this joke in every situation, but adults don’t freak out about adult jokes.
dirtybird971@reddit (OP)
I work in sales and tell nsfw jokes all the time to those who would like to hear them.
zamfire@reddit
I hope you only sensor the word ass in real life too.
Omnizoom@reddit
This is some real ahh censoring
aessae@reddit
Of course you do.
doominvoker@reddit
WARNING!!! VERY VERY CRASS JOKE
^pooper
Giggity
seanfish@reddit
Grok on even more vulgar mode.
zamfire@reddit
Now now. Don't be a crasshole
willclerkforfood@reddit
Fixed it for you
Suvtropics@reddit
good heavens!
BossRaider130@reddit
Heavens to Betsy!
Suicidal_Deity@reddit
Fuck if I k***.
RabidPlaty@reddit
Your title is clickbait shit and you’re allowed to say the word ass.
dirtybird971@reddit (OP)
Got you here dumas!
mydearwatson616@reddit
I'm only here to downvote you
RabidPlaty@reddit
Not due to your dumas title.
clbdn93@reddit
Which Dumas title? The Count of Monte Cristo?
BossRaider130@reddit
“We should file that under educational, too? Right?”
TopicPretend4161@reddit
…and then they smiled, she got up, they bowed and said…
‘We’re the Aristocrats!’
AKMonkey2@reddit
Another Gottfreid classic.
ChuckDee421@reddit
Not a Gottfried original however
Dragishawk@reddit
Yeah. Each Aristocrats joke is different depending on who's telling it. But Gottfried ended up blasting it out of the park.
AKMonkey2@reddit
Not his, but he certainly had his way with it.
bigredcar@reddit
Gottfried's version was one of the very best. Check out the movie. Also, I got to see Bob Saget tell it in person. Not shabby but not G.G.
TopicPretend4161@reddit
GG’s version coupled with Crazy Rob’s reaction makes this a pretty damn epic telling 😉
DLQuilts@reddit
GG didn’t write the Aristocrats joke. No one knows the author
VexImmortalis@reddit
It was me. I did it first. Can't prove otherwise.
I_hate_all_of_ewe@reddit
Well, unless you're a nonagenarian or older, I'm pretty sure that joke is older than you
BodaciousBadongadonk@reddit
it was almost certainly ben franklin, the old fart-gobbler himself was known for bein a freak. bangin grannies with paper bags on their heads and whatnot.
perksforlater@reddit
Thank you for your serv*ce
TallGuyG3@reddit
Serva**
RichardBonham@reddit
That and his immediately post-9/11 joke about a flight with a layover at the Sears Tower.
“Too sooon!”
Ryokan76@reddit
You can say ass on Reddit.
leftcoast-usa@reddit
No you can't. Go stand in the corner.
bbcard1@reddit
Most places where you can say fucking, ass is a-ok.
prsnep@reddit
Why did she say "her" instead of "me"?
rocketman0739@reddit
It's an indirect quotation. When reported speech is not directly quoted, i.e. it does not have quotation marks, the pronouns (and sometimes tense) change to match the rest of the sentence. For example:
akiroraiden@reddit
if this is very nsfw then 95% of romanian jokes are borderline illegal...
it was fine i guess, but not enough for a chuckle.
Otherwise_Public2579@reddit
What kind are of a censors the word a but doesn’t fucking censor the fucking word fucking ? Jeez what a fucking a**
qtpss@reddit
The…Aristocrats!!
torch9t9@reddit
Gilbert was awesome, I got to work with him and was a fan for life. He, Louie Anderson and Bob Saget died within 6 month of each other IIRC. I have a picture of the three of them, devastating.
starkiller_bass@reddit
what exactly were they devastating in this picture?
torch9t9@reddit
Akshually
torch9t9@reddit
They were killing
dirtybird971@reddit (OP)
I'm sorry for your loss, it must have been an incredible experience! All three were legendary!!
Vegskipxx@reddit
I can hear this joke
Strange_Unicorn@reddit
I read the whole thing in his voice. Couldn't help it.
Philip_J_Frylock@reddit
Shit, I spent the next 20 minutes reading every post and comment I saw in his voice.
bionicjoey@reddit
😭 I could have saved Gilbert Gottfried 😭
TedWasler@reddit
There’s a nice little cartoon doing the rounds, of a young man helping seat a young woman at the dining table.
“Can I push your stool in for you?” he is saying.
“Let’s see how dinner goes first.”
KumquatHaderach@reddit
I feel like we need Norm’s joke here too:
https://youtube.com/shorts/jkFvfh60rOQ?si=eXHu6Vskvh83wB8N
mrjane7@reddit
"NSFW" Censors half the curse words, but not the other. Pick a side, man.
happyapy@reddit
This would require a modicum of thought.
CorbinNZ@reddit
The wrong one, too. Ass is clear according to George Carlin.
Cichlidsaremyjam@reddit
"Another comedy legend gone"... 4 years ago.
michiganbhunter@reddit
did his father ask him to? joke isn't clear.
Maxwe4@reddit
The Gilbert Gottfried episode of the Norm Macdonald youtube show was some of the most hilarious shit ever.
RIP to two legsnds.
cw30755@reddit
Who else read this with his voice in your mind? Oh, just me?
CorrectOrder@reddit
Never had one of my posts reposted before...lol
If anyone is interested it's from Gilberts book "rubber balls and liquor" and the version I posted was after his death from my memory.
RIP Gilbert, true legend.
Cruzifixio@reddit
Paragraphs. Dude.
TheWorldDiscarded@reddit
JOHN STAMOS walks into a bar.
The bartender says "oh my God it's John stamos. Did you know we have a drink named after you?"
John replies - "you have a drink called Secret F*g????"
Brian051770@reddit
I read this in his voice
UnnusAbbus@reddit
Took me a second before I got it
josh1ng@reddit
I’m honestly not sure I even understood it.
Pal_Smurch@reddit
Goddammit! You made me read it in Gilbert’s voice!
DOOManiac@reddit
Is there any other way to read it?
capswin@reddit
OK. My favorite Gilbert joke.
Three guys were in a car that broke down. They went up to a farmhouse and knocked on the door. The farmer said that he couldn't helpthem but they could stay until the next morning. The only thing was that he only had one bed. So the three guys slept in the bed together. The next morning the farmer asked "how did you sleep?"
The guy sleeping on the right side said "I dreamed that I was being masterbated". The guy that slept on the left side said "Wow! I dreamed that I was being masterbated too" The guy that slept in the middle said "I dreamed that I was skiing"
dirtybird971@reddit (OP)
So good!!
C4Galore@reddit
I upvoted just reading the title
Zealeon@reddit
I still love the video of him reading an excerpt from 50 Shades of Grey on YouTube.
zamfire@reddit
Him yelling "CLITORIS" will live in my head for the rest of my life.
Waitsfornoone@reddit
Thanks stranger for that. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XkLqAlIETkA
lord_fartleroy@reddit
wow. amazing.
tommysticks87@reddit
The only way this would have been better is if you had censored ass by typing ahh
TenchuReddit@reddit
This is exactly the type of NSFW humor I expect from a Gilbert Gottfried stand-up routine. Thanks! Despite his crass humor, I hope he’s RIP.
mr_lab_rat@reddit
LOL, I heard him say that one long time ago and already forgot. Thanks for reminding me. Great joke.
13mera7@reddit
The man thought when his father was dying, he shouldve had anal with him to make him better
mr_lab_rat@reddit
Thank you captain
mrbumpy409@reddit
We know!
confipete@reddit
Wtf did I just read
Gerbil24@reddit
Needs crosspost to r/dadjokes
Ozymandias86@reddit
I feel dumb, I don't get it.
jim-1957@reddit
Love GG