Quit Your Job. Sell Your House. Go to Vegas.

Posted by floppybunny26@reddit | Jokes | View on Reddit | 38 comments

This guy was sitting in his cubicle one day doing paperwork for his company when he heard a voice out of nowhere. "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas." He was a little freaked out by the mysterious voice, but managed to finish out his day, go home, and go to sleep. The next day he was in the shower when he heard the voice again. "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas." He ignored it and went to work, but while in the elevator going up to his office, he heard it again. "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas." Later that day, while he was in a meeting, he heard it again. "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas." On the car ride home, he heard it again. "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas." In bed trying to sleep, he heard it again. "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas."

The next day was worse. He started hearing the voice every hour on the hour. "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas." He didn't tell anyone, because he didn't want anyone to think he was crazy. He tried to ignore it, but the voice was persistent... "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas." "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas." "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas."

The next day, he was hearing the voice over and over and over again. It was louder than ever. "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas." "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas." "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas." "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas." "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas." Finally, the guy snaps. "Fuckit!"

He goes up to his boss, tells him to take this job and shove it up his ass, then walks out. He goes home and contacts a realtor, and sells the house the next day. He packs up the cash in a suitcase, buys a plane ticket, and flies to Vegas. After he walks out of the airport and says, "Alright, now what?" "Go to Caesar's Palace." The guy hails a taxi and immediately goes to Caesar's Palace. As soon as he walks into the front door, he hears the voice again. "Go to the roulette table." The guy goes to the nearest roulette table. "Put it all on red 21." The guy takes all of his money and puts it on red 21. The croupier spins the wheel, and the ball goes round and round, and finally lands... on black 35.

The voice says, "FUCK!"

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All_of_me_now@reddit

This was the last few pages of a Drew Carey book. The book as I remember was standard celebrity memoir, but this joke is my very favorite joke and I will not have it slandered.

LeprosyMan@reddit

Dirty Jokes and Beer. Every chapter of the first half (except one) starts with a bar joke. His short stories in the second half were surprisingly good. “Tackling Jim Brown” was my favorite.

Replying to my own reply. The first half is a huge memoir and basically FAQ of his life. The short stories were vivid enough his publicist was reluctant to add them because she thought they were true, which never crossed Drew’s mind.

The book came out between his sitcom and hosting “Who’s Line is it Anyway…?”

Nailed it good sir

comfortfood4soul@reddit

I honestly found this kind of pathetic. It was a lot of work with no satisfying punchline a pity, though people have to listen to this drivvle

ArgumentativeNerfer@reddit

I should tell you my favorite joke.

It's about the time that I went hiking in Tibet and stayed at a monastery.

PrimeIntellect@reddit

Better nate than lever

pleasetrimyourpubes@reddit

You should heard the one about the guy who takes his gf to prom and there's no line for the punch.

DodgerWalker@reddit

Or the really long one that ends with the guy yelling "fuck you" to the clown.

CommodusThumbsdown@reddit

That's my go-to whenever somebody asks me to tell them a joke

My go to is the one with the genie and the guy asks for his arms to rotate and head to nod forever then says he thinks he fucked up when they meet later. But you have to do the motions as you are telling it.

In2TheMaelstrom@reddit

I love telling that one. At this point I just try to see how long I can drag it out. I think my record is about 12 minutes. Might have to make a new friend next time I'm in line at Disneyworld and finish right before I get on the ride.

MissyJ74@reddit

If you are gonna use $2 words so you can pretend to be smart, at least spell them correctly. Its drivel.

ParadisePete@reddit

I once went to Vegas in a $40,000 Cadillac and left on a $500,000 bus.

gravitologist@reddit

Probably didn’t help that English is your second language.

Allcyon@reddit

Hey, this guy thinks the joke was pathetic, guys. This guy right here. Yep, the one who writes like a try hard incel teenager. Yes, the one who clearly has no skill with punctuation, grammar, or tone.

That guy.

amosesque@reddit

I always like seeing different reactions. Mine was opposite of yours, but I'm a fan of a long set up and groan-worthy punchline. This one made me laugh.

Malalang@reddit

Like the old jeep commercial... "Go farther" until finally the guy is on a raft on the Amazon, headed for a waterfall. "Too far"

badpuffthaikitty@reddit

Jesus take the wheel. Christ o, not that one!

Some_Old_Woman@reddit

It may not be hilarious, but it did make me laugh.

dsvengalis@reddit

I love telling this joke, but when I do it’s God telling him to do it and my punch line is God says “Oh…shit………..sorry, man”

rondal99@reddit

The way I heard it, the guy wins and the voice says, “You lucky bastard.”

monkeysky@reddit

I actually like that version even more

floppybunny26@reddit (OP)

I like leaving it up to interpretation. The voice might be God's. Or it might be a capricious gambling spirit of sorts. Or he might be a voice in his head from being schizophrenic. I'm honestly not sure which is funniest.

ADirtFarmer@reddit

Those are 3 different ways of saying god.

If you gamble, it will come.

iwontgiveumyusernane@reddit

Or the devil saying “you’re one luck SOB “ when the person wins

Teodorp99@reddit

I remember hearing this one with the voice ending it with "Shit, wrong roulette table"

2552686@reddit

Now THAT is a better punch line.

nanomeme@reddit

I like OP's better, I think, because the voice is just a degenerate gambler entity, rather than a "made a blunder" entity.

AcidBuuurn@reddit

Here’s a sketch where the voice is a degenerate alcoholic- https://youtu.be/Zo4boNEdoQA

SHouldn't there be a funny part?

I mean that has the makings of a good joke, but I think you have the wrong punch line. Sorry. Re-write.