My first original joke. Not a retelling.
Posted by The_Real_Mongoose@reddit | Jokes | View on Reddit | 42 comments
A traveling salesman in a rumpled charcoal suit, having just finished his last appointment of the day, suddenly felt ravenous. Standing on a street corner in a city he didn’t know well, he pulled out his phone and searched for something nearby.
Just around the corner was a place with thousands of reviews. Every single one of them was five stars.
The name of the restaurant was simply:
WORLD’S BEST SANDWICH
He frowned at the screen. Under “Menu,” there was only one item listed:
World’s Best Sandwich
That alone would have made him curious, but the reviews were ecstatic, reverent even. “Transcendent.” “Life-changing.” “I cried.” “Worth the flight.” “I didn’t understand sandwiches before this.”
So he went.
When he arrived, he found a narrow little deli wedged between two brick buildings. Inside, there was only a counter, a row of booths, a handful of tables, and a small refrigerator with bottled beverages. The place was immaculate. Not modern, not trendy, just exact. Quiet in the way a church can be quiet in the middle of the afternoon.
Behind the counter stood an old man in a white apron. He had perfect posture and the air of someone who had spent decades perfecting doing only one thing.
The salesman walked up to the counter and said, “I saw the reviews. I’m here for the world’s best sandwich.”
The old man looked at him and said, “White or wheat?”
“Wheat,” said the salesman.
The old man nodded once.
Then he began.
He took the bread out with absolute reverence. He sliced tomatoes so perfectly they looked machine-made. He laid down lettuce leaf by leaf, like restoring a fresco. He added meat, cheese, oil, vinegar, cracked pepper, a pinch of salt. Every movement was exact. Silent. Controlled.
Then he wrapped the sandwich in paper, placed it on the counter, and said, “That’ll be eighteen dollars.”
The salesman paid, took the sandwich, and sat down.
He unwrapped it.
He took a bite.
The bread gave at exactly the right resistance. The acid hit at precisely the moment the fat needed lifting. The salt level was miraculous. Each ingredient was distinct, and yet all of them belonged to a single thing so complete that it no longer seemed assembled.
He finished the sandwich, stood up, and walked back to the counter.
“That,” he said, “was the best sandwich I’ve ever had in my life.”
The old man inclined his head very slightly.
The salesman said, “How long did it take you to learn to make a sandwich like that?”
“I’ve been making sandwiches for forty years,” said the old man.
“Forty years?” said the salesman. “You must have learned a lot in that time.”
“Yes,” said the old man.
The salesman waited.
The old man said, “Would you like another sandwich?”
TTV_The_Reverend_Dr@reddit
I feel like this is missing a punchline.
Prestigious_Bad_7646@reddit
Of course it does, that sandwich place only has one booth.
The_Real_Mongoose@reddit (OP)
It's supposed to be an anti-joke. I was going for Man With The Big Orange Head vibes. 🤷♂️
I mostly posted it so that I'd have it available in my search history to find later. My apologies to anyone who it doesn't land with.
Poesklapboet@reddit
There’s 60 seconds of my life I’ll never get back..
Apprehensive_lad1960@reddit
60 seconds? You a speed reader??
The_Real_Mongoose@reddit (OP)
Lol, that's kind of the feeling I was going for. I love anti-jokes. I was thinking about the man with the big orange head and what makes that one so good, and tried to put that essence into a different form, basically.
Poesklapboet@reddit
It appears you’ve successfully gone for ‘the man with the big imbecile head’ instead of
The_Real_Mongoose@reddit (OP)
I think that's supposed to be an insult, but I think it's even worse than my joke 😉
Jaccabwa@reddit
tbf with that context it's not bad
The_Real_Mongoose@reddit (OP)
Well thanks! 😊
Atomic-Pilot2707@reddit
So the AI is training you. Got it
The_Real_Mongoose@reddit (OP)
What? No. What exactly do you think happened here?
DiscoLego@reddit
You had me at "ravenous"...
The_Real_Mongoose@reddit (OP)
?
DiscoLego@reddit
It was a better word than hungry.
The_Real_Mongoose@reddit (OP)
Yo. I just noticed, but you did my joke back to me. Did you do that on purpose?
You said:
And I thought that was implying something deeper. I didn't know what. So I indicated curiosity and waited.
Anticlimactic response but... also I don't know what I expected? I mean, yea, indeed it is.
Lol amazing. I have no idea if you somehow engineered that and intended it to go that way or not, but I'm extremely glad it happened. Favorite reddit moment in a long while.
DiscoLego@reddit
I just thought that for a joke set up, it was a great word. I appreciate good craftsmanship. Well done.
Brospeh-Stalin@reddit
This account gives LLM vibes:
The_Real_Mongoose@reddit (OP)
Lol thanks I thought so.
CrazyNefariousness90@reddit
I don’t really get it. But I applaud you for putting it out there and not taking it down despite the mixed reactions. I read the comments and see what you were trying to do. I’ll agree with others it’s more of a short story. You write well and I could in-vision the characters well.
The_Real_Mongoose@reddit (OP)
Thanks! I appreciate friendly criticisms, all good. And appreciate the compliments on my writing too.
MisterHatchet@reddit
This should be an animated short. I don’t think I’d really consider it a joke though :/
The_Real_Mongoose@reddit (OP)
Anti-joke was the goal. First reactions are suggesting a miss. But hey, first attempt and all that.
MisterHatchet@reddit
For sure and I don’t want to be discouraging. It was certainly engaging. You’re a good wordsmith.
The_Real_Mongoose@reddit (OP)
Thanks! Don't worry, I haven't taken any criticism harshly. Main reason I posted it at all was just my own accessibility. Can't lose something that's in my not-lengthy posting history. My sense of humor is definitely not mainstream, I kind of anticipated a negative reaction anyway.
Vneseplayer4@reddit
I would advise against using AI, even to clean up the joke. It comes off as not genuine.
The_Real_Mongoose@reddit (OP)
I didn't use it to clean it up. It generated the basic structure, and then I cleaned it up, provided details, wrote most of the phrasing, etc. If you don't like the joke, that is a failure of my writing, not of AI. And if someone likes it, I will be accepting the praise as well.
Vneseplayer4@reddit
I am ambivalent about the joke, but the fact that I can easily spot the AI writing makes me hate it.
The_Real_Mongoose@reddit (OP)
I'm curious what parts you think are AI? The whole thing is a salad mix of its words and mine. So I'm curious what comes off as "AI" about it. I mean, your criticism is legitimate. I'm trying to write it to not sound like that, so I'd appreciate the feedback.
Vneseplayer4@reddit
The biggest offenders:
“Not modern, not trendy, just exact”
“Every movement was exact. Silent. Controlled”
AI loves its little rule of 3. And also the “not X but Y” format. It’s very easy to spot.
Also the use of certain words: ravenous, reverent, reverence again, lifting, miraculous, inclined. These aren’t wrong words, but they aren’t natural words that someone telling a story would use.
And lastly the phrase “quiet in the way a church can be quiet in the middle of the afternoon” is very awkward. Again, it’s not “wrong”, it’s just that no one says that.
The_Real_Mongoose@reddit (OP)
Half of that is purely me though. So I don't quite follow.
AI
Mine
Ravenous was mine. Reverent I only see once, in the sandwich making paragraph, and that one was mine. I don't see the second one. I was trying to paint an image reminiscent of a Japanese tea ceremony, that kind of vibe.
That one was the AI, but I explicitly chose to keep it. I remember considering that one, deciding I liked it, and intentionally keeping it. I don't think it's awkward, I think it's just colorful. And part of the tone I was intentionally constructing was the juxtaposition of hyperbolically colorful descriptions with a flat ending.
noMore_cReddit@reddit
I appreciated it. I wasn't expecting an anti-joke, i was expecting a conventional punchline, so you got me! I also like that you can defend what you've written, so kudos.
The_Real_Mongoose@reddit (OP)
Thanks! Appreciate you 😊
gdmfsoabrb@reddit
The punchline works for me, because the customer is a salesman.
Sheffieldsvc@reddit
A better story than a joke, but a joke nonetheless. B+.
The_Real_Mongoose@reddit (OP)
Hey! Best reaction yet! Thanks 😊
mrcorde@reddit
meh ... waste of time
The_Real_Mongoose@reddit (OP)
Sorry 😞
BahamaDon@reddit
He only knows how to do one thing, make a sandwich for a paying customer, not chit chat. Is that the joke?
The_Real_Mongoose@reddit (OP)
The joke is supposed to lie in the juxtaposition of empathizing with the customer's desire to hear what the man learned, and the ridiculousness of that desire. What can the man say? "Use good tomatoes"? The sandwich is the form the knowledge takes, and is the only thing the man has to offer. So the salesman waits for elaboration, and the intention was that the audience waits with him, and then feels a bit silly when they realize there truly is nothing else to say.
Capable_Victory_7807@reddit
keep trying
The_Real_Mongoose@reddit (OP)
Will do.