A man goes golfing every Sunday morning and is usually home in time for lunch.

Posted by P0Rt1ng4Duty@reddit | Jokes | View on Reddit | 51 comments

Until one Sunday when his wife found herself waiting well past noon with no sign of her elderly husband. She wrapped up his lunch and put it in the fridge to stay fresh, busying herself with chores and growing more anxious as the afternoon wore on.

Finally, he pulled into the driveway and she ran out to meet him. ''Where have you been,'' she asked?

''Well, Walter had a heart attack on the third hole'' he replied. ''Just keeled over and died right there on the spot!''

''Oh no that's terrible,'' the wife exclaimed!

''Yeah so for the whole rest of the day it was 'hit the ball, drag Walter. Hit the ball, drag Walter...'''

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Woodythdog@reddit

A Man goes golfing every Sunday and is usually home for lunch one day he doesn’t get back until dinner his wife angrily asks what happened

He replies “ well as I was leaving the clubhouse there was this young woman’s the side of the road with a flat tire , so I stopped and changed it for her. She was so great full she insisted we go back to the clubhouse so she could buy me a drink. We really hit it off she started flirting , one thing led to another and we wound up getting a hotel room and spent the afternoon making love “

“You lying sonofabitch! You played 36 holes of golf today didn’t you !”

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sonofaresiii@reddit

That was hard to get through man, spelling and punctuation will go a long way

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LaTommysfan@reddit

A business man is an absolute fanatic about golf, he and his wife argue about it all the time. The man is also having an affair with his secretary. One day he leaves work early to take his secretary to a hotel for the afternoon but after sex they fall asleep and when he wakes up he realizes that he’s going to be late to take his wife out to dinner. He then asks his secretary to take his socks and shoes and and rub them in the grass. When he gets home he tells his wife, sorry I’m late I fell asleep after having sex with my secretary. His wife says, don’t lie to me, I can see you were playing golf.

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rantipolex@reddit

Best golf joke.

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Waitsfornoone@reddit

Since we're doing golf jokes:

Arthur is 75 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 15 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn’t see where it went.”

His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.”

“That’s no good,” sighs Arthur, “your brother is 85. He can’t help.”

“He may be 85,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”

So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law and says, “Did you see the ball?”

“Of course I did; Great shot!” Answers the brother-in-law. “I have perfect eyesight.”

“Where did it go?” Arthur asks.

....

“I don’t remember.”

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Navynuke00@reddit

So, which one drove them both to the golf course and back again?

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viri0l@reddit

Arthur is 75 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 15 years ago.

Must be nice

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xeroksuk@reddit

Shows the age of the joke.

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UmbertoEcoTheDolphin@reddit

On Reddit, sometimes joke is on you.

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Madmanmelvin@reddit

In Soviet Russia, party finds YOU!

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mrcapmam1@reddit

The wife and i both got a good laugh out of that one

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keijodputt@reddit

Three gentlemen at the golf club played every day, early in the morning, when a woman approached them, asking if she could join. They reluctantly agreed, but it turned out she was quite good, actually finishing at the top. Impressed, the gents told her she could join them again if she wanted, and she agreed... "but I may be 15 minutes late", she said.

The next day came and she was right on time, so they started playing, but this time she was playing left-handed instead. Nevertheless, she won the round again, so they asked her if she'd like to join them tomorrow, again, since they'd grown fond of her, and she presented quite a challenge... to which she agreed.

And the next day came, the three men waiting for their female player, who arrived 15 minutes late. Mildly annoyed (but she said she might be late), they finished the course and agreed on another game the next day.

She showed up on time and played with her right hand, so one of the men asked, "How do you choose what hand to use in a match?"

"Well," she said, "when I wake up every morning, before coming to play golf, I raise the bed sheets a little and look at my husband's willie. If it's pointing to the left, I play left-handed. If it's pointing to the right, well, right-handed."

"Oh, I see. What if it's not pointing left or right?"

"Then I'm 15 minutes late."

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High_Jumper81@reddit

Played golf with an old guy. On the 12th hole along the road, a funeral procession drives slowly by. He doff’s his cap and bows slightly, taking a moment of silence. I’m touched by this sign of respect and do the same. At the next tee, I let him know that it was a sweet gesture and that it moved me, did he know the person? “Aye. Been married to her these last 53 years”

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Warren_Puff-it@reddit

Played golf with an old guy.

Incredible setup.

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Empty__Jay@reddit

No worry, she's left handed.

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starshield1995@reddit

there's an alternate ending I've heard. "on, no that's terrible" the wife exclaimed, "what did you do"

he replied "Oh, par ".

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Warren_Puff-it@reddit

It would be better if the ending were something like "yeah, and then his body kept falling out of the cart nearly every hole for the rest of the round!"

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jakec11@reddit

What's impressive is clearly this elderly golfer is walking the course and not driving a cart.

Otoh, I don't see why he wouldnt ditch the body at the turn

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SidPinChi@reddit

True story, I had an elderly friend who lost his sight and still golfed with someone guiding him verbally. Three years later he had surgery and restored his eyesight well enough that he could even drive a car again. The man was in his mid-80s and with I caught up to him one day at his apartment elevator, he introduced me to his golfing buddy who was 93. They both walked the course most of the time. I was impressed. And the 93 year old didn’t even wear glasses!

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pdxscout@reddit

Most of the old guys i see on the course are walking with motorized push carts.

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engfish@reddit

When I die, I want to buried at the 18th green.

It's the only way I'll ever get to six under.

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engfish@reddit

Another joke I told in my deejay days:

Beautiful day! I went out and played golf, but I played lousy and only hit two good balls. And even then it was after I stepped on a rake.

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zaksdaddy@reddit

“Best two ball I hit today occurred when I stepped on a green side rake!”

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bikedrivepaddlefly@reddit

My wife said that if I go golfing with the boys again next weekend, she is going to divorce me.

Gosh, I am going to miss her.

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High_Jumper81@reddit

When I was married I played golf every single Sunday morning. I’d roll out bed, hit the links rain, sleet, snow be damned. One morning I woke up to a hurricane, tried to get out, but alas, too much. I went home, crawled back into my bed mumbling it was just crazy insane weather out there. My wife mumbled in return, yeah, can you believe that bastard is out playing golf in it?

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Forward_Progress_83@reddit

Not about golf, but there’s a Brad Paisley song that’s basically the exact same vibe

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ReluctantAvenger@reddit

This reminds me of a movie I saw once in which a bunch of guys went on a camping trip where one of the guys died. They then argued about whether they should cut the trip short and take the body home or just place the body in the (presumably icy) river and complete the trip. What movie was that?

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r0se_jam@reddit

You thinking of Jindabyne?

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ReluctantAvenger@reddit

Thanks! I'll look for that one, but I believe it was in Short Cuts with Tim Robbins.

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r0se_jam@reddit

Could have gone either way - I was going to say, unless you’re based in Australia (or were in 2006) my money would have been on the Altman movie rather than the Ray Lawrence one. Fun fact, my partner was the sound effects editor on Jindabyne.

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AttackCircus@reddit

If there's a scene where the body gets entangled in the fishing line and the guy have to untangle it, then that's Short Cuts

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512115@reddit

Probably Jindabyne. There’s a plot thread in Shortcuts that is similar also.

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ReluctantAvenger@reddit

Ah, probably Short Cuts. Thank you!

I'll look for Jindabyne; it sounds interesting!

Jindabyne (2006) is an Australian drama film directed by Ray Lawrence, starring Gabriel Byrne and Laura Linney, about a group of men on a fishing trip who discover a murdered woman's body and delay reporting it, deeply affecting their lives and relationships, particularly that of Stewart (Byrne) and his wife Claire (Linney). The film explores themes of grief, morality, and repressed emotions, with Claire embarking on a personal journey to understand the victim and help her family, straining her marriage in the process.

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Successful_Equal_136@reddit

It would be funny if I didn't work at a golf course and see how some people treat it as a religion.

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Waitsfornoone@reddit

It's not?

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Optimal_Law_4254@reddit

Heresy!

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Duke8083@reddit

True store admittedly a few decades ago. I was caddying at the local private club when one of the members does have a heart attack and dies in the middle of the fairway. We are a couple of foursomes behind and when we get to that hole the poor guys is still laying where he “took his last shot” with a golf towel over his face. Our foursome (remember I am just one of four young caddies) has to skip this hole. Our guys are not happy and suggest “Can’t they move over to the ruff so we can play through”.

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DugganSC@reddit

A group of men are playing golf, when all of a sudden, a golf cart comes flying down the course towards them. It stops and a woman in full wedding regalia gets out, screaming "John, how could you?" He calmly replies, "Dear, I said if it rained..."

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vonhoother@reddit

Hidden punchline: that golfer is now president of the US.

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SaintCholo@reddit

Med. Examiner: what about this welt on Walter’s forehead?

Husband: oh that was my mulligan.

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P0Rt1ng4Duty@reddit (OP)

Pre-existing condition.

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Bladrak01@reddit

A group of men is playing golf. When one of them has a heart attack. His friends go to find a doctor. One of them comes back and says he has some good news and some great news. The good news is that there's a cardiac specialist three holes back. The great news is that they'll let him play through.

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