This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!"

Posted by 808gecko808@reddit | Jokes | View on Reddit | 113 comments

Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table!

Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."

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Robbiemars31@reddit

Was she aiming for 2 and a half or 3 minutes

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Waitsfornoone@reddit

... and from that day on, he made sure the egg timer never worked again.

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Sweaty-Blacksmith572@reddit

It was a diss; she can count on him to last exactly three minutes

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Pizzareno@reddit

3 minutes? I boil mine for 5.30 so the yoke is runny and white isn’t.

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It depends if you put the egg into cold water and start timing after it boils, or if you put the egg into boiling water and start timing then. 3 minutes if you put it in cold water and start timing at boiling gives a hard egg. 1 minute gives a soft egg. 6 minutes of putting an egg into boiling water gives a soft egg, 9 minutes gives a just-hard egg.

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creutzml@reddit

You left out a third option. Put them in cold, start boiling, then remove from heat and cover

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cyncity3132@reddit

Yea this is my go-to and it works great. Put them in cold water, bring it up to boil, let it boil for 1 minute, turn off the heat and leave covered for 9 minutes, then put in cold water.

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bessefe@reddit

I shall try that.

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Jewsader76@reddit

*shell

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DJEmirMixtapes@reddit

And/or on how long he lasts LOL

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Glum_Plum3995@reddit

you put the stove on for 5:30, it took 2:30 to reach boil.

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RedBison@reddit

She likes the runny whites...

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Forward_Progress_83@reddit

The yoke is on her

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bluetonesblue@reddit

No, it's in her... ;)

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Meranio@reddit

Eggcellent.

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Consistent-Tap-4255@reddit

Is this how you make nut egg?

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Menelatency@reddit

It’s nut, Meg.

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OutrageousRhubarb853@reddit

So did OP’s wife

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Theairthatibreathe@reddit

I guess the yoke is on us

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SilentEngineering975@reddit

They know. They were being sarcastic.

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SilentEngineering975@reddit

Either that or they are way to honest for their own good

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novian14@reddit

Since the joke didn't specify, maybe it's hard boiled egg so around 10min

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Double_Sample5624@reddit

Didn't care, still made hollandaise...

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Jeggasyn@reddit

An eggsellent sauce at that

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dvolland@reddit

So what? He got his, didn’t he?

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djiboutiivl@reddit

Fwoooosh!

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Lavaknight22@reddit

This joke wasn't all it's cracked up to be and it's got me scrambling

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Valuable-Paramedic93@reddit

This joke was a.banger , and then turned into a discussion about boiled eggs ...eggcellant

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SilentEngineering975@reddit

A banger? Must have come with sausage.

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Stunning-Being-671@reddit

Who came first? Your chick or the egg?

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SilentEngineering975@reddit

What makes you think his chick came at all.

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ariadeneva@reddit

look at Mr stamina over here

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ArbutusPhD@reddit

How hard were they?

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SilentEngineering975@reddit

Not very. Just like him.

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tofu_ink@reddit

This is the question , hard / soft / medium?

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megacrashed@reddit

Your a machine! I’d have to perform a couple minutes of foreplay or they’d be way undercooked!

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Subaruncle@reddit

*you're

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DarkTraveller04@reddit

Dangerous levels of charisma here

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Alspics@reddit

Not as hard as he was.

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ArbutusPhD@reddit

That’s a dad yolk

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Alspics@reddit

Eggsactly

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tommy1rx@reddit

Humble brag is the proper term.

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Miragui@reddit

Soft boiled.

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ICantSeeDeadPpl@reddit

Honey, you burned breakfast again.

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TheMadDruid@reddit

Was it a one minute egg or a three minute egg?

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SpendHefty6066@reddit

How do you like your eggs?

“Fertilized”

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xdrift0rx@reddit

In case no one has seen it....

How you like your eggs? Fried or fertilized?

https://youtu.be/6x-JVXkd8SQ?si=lswprJFTsYYcZRGk

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SpendHefty6066@reddit

lmao...so bad I had to watch it all the way through.

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xdrift0rx@reddit

Girl the way you move your hips got me hypnotized.

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assumes@reddit

Reminds of me the Mitch Hedberg joke:

I was at a restaurant, and I ordered a chicken sandwich, but I don't think the waitress understood me. She asked me, "How would you like your eggs?" I thought I would answer her anyway and said, "Incubated! And then raised, plucked, beheaded, cut up, put onto a grill, and then put onto a bun. Damn! I don't have that much time! Scrambled!"

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FelixOGO@reddit

Haha he used to be so funny.

~He still is, but he used to be too~

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NotJokingAround@reddit

We all know what's under that black box without clicking.

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FelixOGO@reddit

Haha I know, it’s guaranteed every time there’s a Mitch reference

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BleachedUnicornBHole@reddit

There’s an XKCD for that.

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Tom2Die@reddit

I remembered that xkcd but refreshed myself anyway. Now I've realized I forgot to look at his April Fools' Day bit this year, so thanks for that. It's excellent.

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NARDO422@reddit

https://youtu.be/6x-JVXkd8SQ?si=NWu5h_DIA0-L0kfL

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Nice_Firm_Handsnake@reddit

This better be the Turquoise Jeep production I think it is.

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Real-Movie-899@reddit

Ovaries!

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Minxy_Mo@reddit

2 eggs were boiling away on the stove, one said to the other, ‘Christ it’s getting hot in here’ .. to which it replied, ‘wait til’ we get out, they smack us on the head with a spoon!’ 🤪🤣

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vailixira@reddit

I was expecting this line

The 2 min Egg Timer was broken

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be-koz@reddit

For me, the punchline was given away when you said she was boiling eggs in the first sentence. I would've just said she was making breakfast.

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EducatorDifficult413@reddit

12 minutes on the nose LOL!

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Legitimate-Log-6542@reddit

I’ll have to try this but how cooked are eggs after 38 seconds??

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The_Medicated@reddit

Put in boiling water? Still cold...like the wife

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AssociationDork@reddit

Rodney Dangerfield has entered the chat.

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TC643@reddit

Was not aware eggs take 1 min to boil. Noted.

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PurpleVeganTX@reddit

My husband doesn’t go on here so I’m OK. I timed his love making and it was five minutes foreplay and ten seconds of intercourse.

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InspectorMendel@reddit

How do you feel about that?

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cuzwhat@reddit

My wife wants it for 7 minutes 45 seconds.

The sex takes longer.

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CutiePinkKitten@reddit

Omg stop, I completely didnt see that coming 😂😭 thats so perfectly awful haha

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MarketMost549@reddit

Boil eggs for 6–7 minutes for runny yolks, 8–10 minutes for medium, and 11–13 minutes for fully hard boiled eggs.

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ThatGreenGuy09@reddit

10 minutes plus the time it takes me to walk to the stove, turn off the timer, and dump the water. That gives me nice fully boiled eggs with bright yellow yolks. None of that dark outer ring. chefs kiss

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lousy_writer@reddit

That was my first thought as well.

She wants her eggs runny? Not a compliment.

She wants them hard-boiled? That's okay.

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haggischomper@reddit

10 mins on medium high then take them off the heat - gives you perfect hard boiled eggs . Don’t use crappy eggs from supermarket - important that they have firm orange yolks like you get from old farmer Bills produce stand

Supermarket eggs usually come from battery hens which live a miserable life stuffed into a cage and barely see a glimpse of sunlight. Their health and egg quality suffer as a result

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Zemom1971@reddit

Damn those eggs will be raw!

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therealdilbert@reddit

have you ever boiled an egg? 7min is just about perfect for solid whites and runny yolks

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mrironwire@reddit

In case you wonder why the down votes, they were making a joke about not lasting too long with their wife so there would not be even 6 minute eggs :)

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Facts_pls@reddit

r/whoosh

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ktka@reddit

Eggs don't boil in 30 seconds.

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CrackAdams@reddit

Soft boiled

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wave1sys@reddit

Well if they need to boil for 30 minutes it’s a compliment, 1 minute not so much

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Miserable-Might-9662@reddit

She said multitasking, he heard opportunity

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Crafty_Link_4549@reddit

Ouch!!!

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grasscoveredhouses@reddit

look at this guy lasting a whole egg timer

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Apprehensive_Fee_686@reddit

They ate warm raw eggs. 🤔

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capricon9@reddit

To this day the timer is still broken and they are still together

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KedarKantha@reddit

Soft or hard boiled?

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Rynin101@reddit

Even I know you aren't supposed to boil eggs for over an hour /s

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superwizdude@reddit

Doesn’t matter had sex

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rmsingh256@reddit

Is premium equal generational?

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Mercury756@reddit

So 10 minutes????

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screwcork313@reddit

Isn't that how Eggs Benny-dicked got their name?

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sustainablecaptalist@reddit

This joke goes better with "2 minute Maggie noodles" which are sold in India.

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srl80@reddit

Doesn't that include dressing and undressing?

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sustainablecaptalist@reddit

Including that...

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313078@reddit

Yes

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fersur@reddit

Wife: "Honey, eat your breakfast. I am going out."

Husband: "For what? It is still early in the morning."

Wife: "To buy egg timer."

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ExhibitApple@reddit

One thing softened as the other hardened.

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Legal_Midnight6252@reddit

Ouch

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LordCouchCat@reddit

I've not heard this one.

By the way, length of intercourse is rather like the other length, in that most men have an inaccurate idea of the average, leading to worries. What research is available suggests something like 4-5 minutes is probably average.

That's actually not a lot for eggs. A soft boiled egg with white set and molten yolk, for a largish egg. Eggs seem to have got bigger since the three minute rule.

However, this is a case of the social time lag in jokes: it makes you think "three minutes".

Two minute noodles would be better but with eggs the joke implies the time rather than stating it, which is funnier.

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