The most unhinged airline-pilot intro I've ever heard

Posted by Kootlefoosh@reddit | Jokes | View on Reddit | 38 comments

Good morning folks and welcome aboard Delta flight 895 from Atlanta to Los Angeles, we will be taking off in just a few short moments as your fantastic cabin crew complete their last checks. If you look to your front-right, you will see the airport terminal you were just in. And if you look to your back-left, you will see a different terminal, where you accidentally were, just sixteen minutes ago. Happy to have you onboard!

If I look to my right, I see my fantastic co-pilot Will, say hi to yourself Will! (...ksh uhhhh, say hi to myself? ksh...) and if Will turns around far enough to his right, he will actually be able to see you! By which I mean the people in our First-Class seats, and only when the door is open. Little known fact, the curtain in between First-Class and Delta-Plus is there to protect Will.

If I look to my left, I will see my pet cat Toby, as I am working remotely this morning. Don't worry, I'll get to the plane this afternoon before we have to land.

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frenchpressfan@reddit

A few years ago I used to travel frequently on Southwest airlines. The stewards there would try to outdo each other in their safety announcements:

"If you forget something on the plane, wait 24 hours and then check eBay"

"Don't do the naughty, back there in the potty" -- this one when there were a bunch of college kids on the flight

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ChicagoDash@reddit

"Those of you seated in an exit row may be called upon to help in the event of an emergency. If you cannot perform this function, are unwilling to perform this function, think this function may cause you bodily harm, of if you just don't give a function..."

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spartanhung@reddit

“For those of you who haven’t been in a car since 1972, this is a seatbelt and you use it like this.”

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Scrabblewiener@reddit

Southwest flights used to be fun.
I was 17 in 1999 and I’d board the plane with a bottle of Jack Daniel’s in my carry on, order cokes from the flight attendant and discreetly mix my own drinks. No one ever stopped me or said anything about an 17 year old with a 1/5 of Jack in his carry on. I remember trivia for free drink tickets and generally lighthearted party type atmosphere and banter.

One flight the attendants gave a roll of toilet paper to the front of one side of the plane and the back of the other. Whichever side unrolled the toilet paper unripped the length of the plane first all got drink tickets. Different times. 9/11 ruined a bunch of shit.

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TheFourthAce@reddit

It was the best part of flying southwest. Was on one of the last flights in to Hartford one night and when we landed the flight attendant says “and if you have connecting flights out of Hartford tonight, we don’t care because it is way past our bedtime and the pilot already has his PJ’s on. But you can check the screens in the terminal for more information, thanks for choosing southwest”

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deadspacekillers@reddit

They used to do voices too. Like Arnold Schwarzenegger and stuff

generalee72@reddit

Shirley you can't be serious......

Primary_Bass_9178@reddit

Stop calling me Shirley!

Wowza-yowza@reddit

Roger, Roger.

CoPilot-RogerMurdock@reddit

Huh?

skadalajara@reddit

Obscure Star Wars reference. Don't worry about it.

Then I saw your username.

CrazyOldBag@reddit

Over.

Berek2501@reddit

I am serious. And don't call me Shirley.

FanraGump@reddit

Shirley, my wife, is behind me. She's bringing me breakfast. Remember, it's important to keep your nutrition up when piloting.

Frido1976@reddit

and naturally, not the same food as my co-pilot, we wouldn't want both of us to get sick so we can't fly this plane, right

drumorgan@reddit

In Hawaii, in the 70s, Rap Reiplinger was the best - “Mahalo Airlines” is a fun bit along these lines

figgles61@reddit

Ah, reminds me of the time I was on a Virgin plane leaving Sydney to come home to Perth. We had what seemed to be an interminably long taxi to our takeoff runway and the steward had time to announce “ ladies and gentlemen, the pilot has decided to drive to Perth”. (It’s a four hour flight).

Simbuk@reddit

All the Southwest flights I’ve ever been on sounded about like this.

Coyltonian@reddit

On a KLM flight a few years ago during the safety briefing the Dutch guy doing it was “if the maschks fall from the ceiling during the flight SCHTOP SCHCREAMING and put yoursch on before helping othersch”.

On a different flight (same route) a different Dutch flight attendant was talking about the life jacket features. “Ve haf a light and a whistle for attracting attention. And if nobody comes maybe we all haf a little rave, ja?”

Dry-Bug-9214@reddit

I remember being on Spirit a few years ago where the pilot said welcome to Spirit where nothing is free... I think he was having a bad day.😆

Safeword-is-banana@reddit

😂😂😂 did not see that coming

weirdaleistercrowley@reddit

Jive?

I be spoken jive.

jlp_utah@reddit

Chump don't want no help, chump don't get no help!

Equivalent-Draft9248@reddit

Ya ever been in a Turkish prison, Jimmy?

GingerHeSlut@reddit

Jimmy, do you like gladiator movies?

rbreno@reddit

I was on a flight from LA to Minneapolis in late January a few years ago when the captain came on talking about the weather in our destination (as they always do). He said “the weather here in Los Angeles is 80 degrees and sunny. The weather in Minneapolis is 5 degrees and cloudy. Are you people out of your minds?”

Poesklapboet@reddit

The bus.. that took you to school.. was it shorter than the ones the other neighborhood kids took?

sintaur@reddit

I like: did you get to wear hockey gear in all your classes?

TopVast9800@reddit

Hi, Will!

ShadowExistShadily@reddit

Good thing the copilot's name wasn't Jack.

Livid-Rutabaga@reddit

that's hilarious

Alibi-Room@reddit

Sounds like a Spirit Airline Pilot. I flew Spirit for the first time a few weeks ago. On the flight out and flight home, both pilots thought they were comedians. Flight out Pilot: We geo a bad rap on social media blah blah blah give us some SM love. Flight home Pilot: Welcome to Kingstown Jamaica - Flight home was to Boston. I do NOT want my pilot to be a comedian, just a Pilot.