Dave pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced, “My wife must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” The bartender inquired, “What makes you say that?” Dave beamed with pride, “Last week, I had to take a couple of sick days from work..."
Posted by 808gecko808@reddit | Jokes | View on Reddit | 92 comments
"She was so thrilled to have me around, that every time a mail or delivery person came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”
Ewetootwo@reddit
Not to mention the Uber drivers delivering Happy Meals.
sadchild_@reddit
And getting happy endings
charlie2135@reddit
And 6 inch subs
BAdhia@reddit
Uber charges extra for 6” sub delivery. 🤣
Alpvax@reddit
No they don't, it's just the tip.
intrepidagent4444@reddit
It’s really all tip.
Walthernaut@reddit
Does she only get the shaft if they stiff her?
PlumPetite@reddit
Fricken hell I chuckled too hard at this, thank you !
vonnostrum2022@reddit
Here’s the pizza you ordered…and here’s the sausage
janevareverie@reddit
Alexa play "My Dick in a Box"
Walthernaut@reddit
"Playing with sticks and rocks"
Waitsfornoone@reddit
Since we're doing surprises:
A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free."
The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks.
"I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"
Liv1ng-the-Blues@reddit
Birthday and Father's day, yup....that's what you get
Gil-Gandel@reddit
Hey, everybody, look at Mr Gets-Two-Blowjobs-A-Year here!
Motor_Ad_3411@reddit
"I DO" MEANS "I don't no more".......
pthierry@reddit
It is funny how many men don't realize they advertise how bad they are at sex and relationships. The utter lack of self-awareness and how they sabotage themselves is tragic.
But I guess if you don't even believe it's possible to get several blowjobs each week, there's no incentive to try to be someone who would get that.
SaltyRob78@reddit
It's called self deprecating humour.
pthierry@reddit
Never heard someone making those jokes while getting blowjobs on a regular basis.
Boot_Effective@reddit
You're a lucky guy. But not everyone has a boyfriend with haemorrhoids.
fitzejunk@reddit
Tracking the number of blowjobs received by random men and indexing it against their jokes would be extraordinarily difficult. To say nothing of weird as hell.
_____McLovin@reddit
How much did you earn?
tilt-a-whirly-gig@reddit
You should try getting blowjobs on a regular basis, you'll find that you hear all the same jokes but they're funnier now.
whentheworldquiets@reddit
What a weird hill to die on.
izHuNu@reddit
I knew this one, but confused myself because I thought the total was $600. And way thinking, how does one give ½ a blow job.
gdmfsoabrb@reddit
You just suck for a while, and stop before he gets close to finishing.
Jace_Te_Ace@reddit
That's edging. Fetishes cost extra.
RavingRationality@reddit
That's like earning half a delivery salary for driving the amazon package halfway to the address, then changing your mind and going home.
izHuNu@reddit
This actually makes sense
izHuNu@reddit
That tracks, but I have to pay for that! I'm switching terms to paid on delivery.
Waitsfornoone@reddit
Sounds like a Penguin Blowjob to me.
CarnivalOfSorts@reddit
Share the wealth, dude
jnmtx@reddit
I thought the husband was going to earn money there too
NeverForNoReason@reddit
No husband has two birthdays a year.
Odd_Celebration162@reddit
It’s suck .Blow is a figure of speech.
dave_evad@reddit
Here we go again
3point21@reddit
“Dave’s HERE man!”
Healthy_Ladder_6198@reddit
Giggle
Aggravating-Cap5024@reddit
I feel sorry for the people who up voted this...
confusedvagabond@reddit
Who hurt you?
DirayaIsNoLaya@reddit
The delivery guys
Albus_Stark@reddit
I assume his wife or possibly his mother
Evening-Tomatillo-47@reddit
Living on $800 a year
No-Stay3118@reddit
Dave
pick-and-hoop@reddit
Upvote is just one word
PM_Your_Best_Ideas@reddit
You should probably learn when and where people are entitled to your opinion. Some people are cheaters your attitude isn't gonna change that.
Fuckoffassholes@reddit
I see you're one of those self-righteous zoomers who thinks that any joke about a wife is un-funny, primitive, toxic, misogynistic stuff of boomers. You think that because you've never once resented your wife throughout your entire six-week marriage, then it surely will never happen.
Best of luck, champ.
notyourregularninja@reddit
I found the husband!!
This-Positive286@reddit
In a joke sub too, monsters!
Tygerman006@reddit
Yeah. How dare people enjoy something -_-
slovbell@reddit
Two a year is still better than Zero in 35 years
Whyis_skyblue_007@reddit
What ,she’s got no sisters?
slovbell@reddit
Correct, no sisters
Whyis_skyblue_007@reddit
Well how fit is her mom?
slovbell@reddit
Passed away
FIRE-trash@reddit
I guess that's why she didn't move around a lot
Redflhtcui@reddit
also why i had to bring aa shovel.
LongjumpingNorth8500@reddit
I feel ya buddy!!
wAsh1967@reddit
That's not what he was asking for. He can fo that himself.
LongjumpingNorth8500@reddit
Must be mighty flexible!!
Ewetootwo@reddit
Sounds like your marriage is not getting ahead of itself.
contrariwise65@reddit
The bride and groom are walking down the aisle. The bride has a massive smile on her face. She’s thinking “Thank god, I’ll never have to give another blow job!”
Htv65@reddit
At current, there are 69 upvotes.
CriusofCoH@reddit
Sorry, ruined it for you.
FIRE-trash@reddit
I downvoted it back to 69
Dead_Padawan@reddit
I just voted you to 69
maestroenglish@reddit
Downvoting at 74 to keep it that way
WannaUnicorn@reddit
Would upvote, but not gonna ruin it!
Hello_D4rkn3ss@reddit
This is the way
vexedthespian@reddit
Nice
Berek2501@reddit
Nice.
XannedO@reddit
I saw 'Dave' and 'Bar' in the title and didn't even need to read the rest. Classic Dave. The man is the protagonist of 40% of all human history at this point.
AttackCircus@reddit
I mean, there's a reason why everyone knows him.
leftcoast-usa@reddit
Not me. Every time I go to knock on his door, I get a "Dave's not here".
Catsandroosters@reddit
Why do you think it's called the statue of David!
That1Guy_Says@reddit
Little Johnny is another 40%.
Embarrassed-Ad-723@reddit
Bartender: Your wife sure has a lot of love to share.
Coalfacebro@reddit
Yeah , I do t get it. ELI5?
Fuckoffassholes@reddit
You'll get it when you're older.
Dr_Bumfluff_Esq@reddit
Neither did the delivery guys.
Peter_NL@reddit
You have a happy life, I’m envious.
Coalfacebro@reddit
Now I read the answers, I guess I do.
Select_Addition_9144@reddit
…are you the husband??
TTT_2k3@reddit
“(Don’t come in to have sex with me because) my husband is home!”
arogance1@reddit
Warning other guys away
zorba-9@reddit
Guy comes in from work, Hi darling, what's for dinner, There's nothing she says, but we had nothing last night says the husband, I made enough for 2 nights replied his wife.
Bulky-Pineapple-5639@reddit
Uggg, leftovers.
petrvalasek@reddit
parrot_pixels_meme_but_for_line_endings.png
Ill-Complaint-8266@reddit
According to my kids,that’s so last year
Opposite-Courage8671@reddit
Bro thought he was the main character, turns out he’s the plot twist.
SpaceBug176@reddit
I know a Clanker when I see one.
xtramundane@reddit
This one again.
mightyjoe227@reddit
I got home from work and found my wife in bed.
I asked if she was sick, she said "no."
I said, "oh o.k., here's a joke I heard at work"
I laughed, she laughed, the guy under the bed laughed