an old soviet joke
Posted by bigus-_-dickus@reddit | Jokes | View on Reddit | 70 comments
Every morning, a man in Moscow goes to a newspaper stand, picks up the day's newspaper, puts it back, and leaves.
This goes on for many weeks
One day, the newspaper merchant, curious, stops him and asks, "You always just look at the front page and put the newspaper back, what is it you're looking for?"
"-I'm looking for an obituary."
"-Obituaries are on the last page!"
"-The one I'm looking for will be on the front."
TheRealRockyRococo@reddit
Three men are in a cell in the Lubayanka prison awaiting trial. The first one says "I'm in here for getting to work at the farm collective 10 minutes late, I was accused of not doing my duty to the collective". The second says "I was arrested for getting to work at the collective 10 minutes early, I'm accused of trying to sabotage the farm machinery". The third says "I was arrested for arriving at the collective exactly on time, they accused me of owning a Swiss watch".
ThatBadassonline@reddit
This is real life for me. I await the day that blessed headline appears, I have a Macallan I’ve been saving for that glorious moment.
Dangerous_Doughnut14@reddit
I I want a Macallan...
AtticusDutch@reddit
Just go do it yourself asswipe
ThatBadassonline@reddit
No thank you. Unlike folks such as yourself, I don’t actively fantasize about shooting people dead nor harbor any plans to make those fantasies a reality. I will happily drink to that man’s death and would read his obituary with great pleasure. But killing him? Absolutely not, I do not wish to be jugged for murder. I do not wish for anyone to kill him, that would simply make him a martyr.
AtticusDutch@reddit
Pretty wild accusation there bud. Maybe some evidence should suffice? Proof that I "fantasize" those things? Because it's your side who murdered Kirk, who tried to kill the president, killed MLK, etc etc. Not mine. You are evil.
Disorderly_Chaos@reddit
I just bought some wine.
jeffbas@reddit
Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.
NegativeDefinition59@reddit
Reagan used to tell this one; A Soviet man went to buy a car. He was told he had to pay up front and wait for the car to be ready. It takes ten years. The man said, ten years, I understand. Will it be ready in the morning or the afternoon? The man behind the counter said, It’s ten years from now! What difference does it make if it’s morning or afternoon? Well, the plumber is coming in the morning.
Easy_Answer6277@reddit
You know this is no longer a joke regarding America, right?
Flash_Haos@reddit
Also, it’s not a joke again in Russia.
God_Bless_A_Merkin@reddit
Congratulations! You found the subtext!
Trivi_13@reddit
Currently, it works in the United States too!
Mirality@reddit
The US has its own Pravda Sotsial'nyy just like Russia too.
Agoras_song@reddit
Jeez this comment is gold.
AtticusDutch@reddit
Y'all already tried to kill him! Y'all just can't aim lmaoooo
Trivi_13@reddit
r/ArcherFX
rickjnewman@reddit
Old Russian complaint: They tried to drive us to our knees but we refused to get up
MaterialParsley7536@reddit
(sigghhhhhhh) really? Again?
eudjinn@reddit
I was born in the USSR and have never heard this joke.
Chaotic424242@reddit
It was censored and it's author died in a gulag.
eudjinn@reddit
It recalls me another USSR joke.
A grandson asks his grandpa to tell some story about the war.
Grandpa: You know, I was a partizan during the war and two friends of mine and I were captured by nazi soldiers. They told us if we tell some information about our unit they set us free. So one friend told them about the location of the ubit and there released him. The other one told them the information anout unit quantuity and was released too.
Grandson: And what about you?
- And I..., I was executed.
fqmonk@reddit
I don't get it. Can someone explain it to me?
GlassBelt@reddit
He heroically refused to betray secrets that would endanger his unit, unlike those other cowards, so he was executed.
chris2589@reddit
Don't worry, me either
larrylat@reddit
This is an American joke pretending to be a Soviet one. Let me explain.
There was no such thing as a private newspaper kiosk in USSR. Consequently, newspaper kiosks didn't rush to open early so that they could sell newspapers to early buyers. No reason or a need to compete with others. Kiosks would open during their regularly scheduled work hours, which would not be super early.
On the other hand, there was a sure way to learn first thing in the morning that the gensek has passed. There would be red flags with a black ribbon flying on every building. It was the job of building janitors to hang the flags ASAP, and they wouldn't dare to be late with this task.
Sea-Helicopter-1369@reddit
Take my upvote
EphemeralDan@reddit
Ivan and Fyodor were standing in line to buy bread. The line was really long and had barely moved all morning. Finally Fyodor got fed up and cried, "That's it! I'm going to go kill Putin!"
Ivan watched him storm off. About an hour later, Fyodor comes trudging past on his way to the end of the line. He called out to his friend, "What happened‽ I thought you were going to kill Putin?"
"Brother!", replied Fyodor, "You think this line is long!"
jamesbrown2500@reddit
Two Russian prisoners are at a Russian prison. One prisoner asks the other,how many time did you get? I got 20 years for saying Putin is a piece of shit and asks the other: -And you? Well ,the other guy says, I've got 10 years. Ten years,asks the other,what did you do? I've done nothing. The other prisoner reply ,no man,you are lying,for doing nothing it's just 5 years .
ztreHdrahciR@reddit
A new American joke
Sergio_Poduno@reddit
Now we have internet for that...
Fortapistone@reddit
And no one wipes their ass anymore? 🤣
Sergio_Poduno@reddit
With a phone it's easier than with radio...
Fortapistone@reddit
😂😂
AtticusDutch@reddit
Too bad y'all can't aim lmao
Equal_Caramel_6155@reddit
Another old USSR joke. Meat was always scarce. One day news circulates that a shipment of meat is coming to the local market. At 7 am a huge line is waiting. At 10am an announcement is made that the shipment would be delayed and would be less than expected and that all of the Jews must leave. At 2pm the crowd is told it's delayed again and only party members should stay. At 4pm they're told again of a delay and only members of the polit bureau should remain. Finally at 6pm they're informed that no shipment is coming. The people all murmur, "The damn Jews got over again!".
Professional-Pay1198@reddit
There once was a comrade from Minsk Whose sex life was down in the Pinsk He made covert pass at Commisar's wife's ass And he was shot.
leftcoast-usa@reddit
Roses are red, violets are blue.
Some poems rhyme, others don't.
Optimal-Condition803@reddit
Roses are loud,
Violets are easier,
Colours make noise,
When you've got synaesthesia.
ImGCS3fromETOH@reddit
Haikus can be fun
But they don't always make sense
Refrigerator
Head_Razzmatazz7174@reddit
I suspect a lot of us are doing that now. I turn on the news every morning in the hope of a breaking headline.
My boyfriend gets up a lot earlier than me. He's woken me up for other breaking news, pretty sure he would wake everyone in the house for that headline.
Prior_Ruin5410@reddit
I'm sure I would hear a lot of horn honking and fireworks before I even got out of bed!
AtticusDutch@reddit
Y'all already tried to murder him, don't you remember?
Consentingostrich@reddit
'Murder is the unlawful killing of another human without justification or valid excuse'.
You might want to reconsider your post.
Parking_War979@reddit
Every morning, millions of people get on their computers, go to their favorite news site, and look at the headline…
leftcoast-usa@reddit
Have you been spying on me?!
ComputerGuyInNOLA@reddit
I do the same for American news.
richardelmore@reddit
A Soviet judge meets another judge in the hall of the courthouse. The second judge is chuckling to himself so his friend asks “what’s so funny?” The other judge replies “I just heard the funniest joke ever”. The first judge says “well what was the joke?” The second judge replies “I can’t tell you, I just had to give the man who told me five years in the gulag.”
Pirat@reddit
Current USA joke.
IHateCreatingSNs@reddit
In 40 years from now it'll be an old American joke
Interesting-Log-9627@reddit
All the old Soviet jokes are back in favor
kerenosabe@reddit
Every day, little Ivan's mom gives him three rubles.
"Here, go get the Pravda for your dad, the Izvestia for me, and the Komsomolkaya Pravda for yourself".
One day, Ivan's dad seed that and tells little Ivan: "Give me that money, we don't need newspapers, we have the radio!"
When Ivan tells his mom what happened, she says, "here, take two rubles, get the Izvestia for me and the Komsomolskaya Pravda for yourself. Let your dad wipe his ass with the radio!"
SuperCarbideBros@reddit
Every day, Ivanovich goes to a news stand to buy a copy of Pravda.
One day, he stopped by the same old news stand, asking for the usual. The stand owner said, "sorry, no Pravda today. The Communist Party dissolved."
Ivanovich acknowledged that and left, only to circle back in five minutes, asking for the same thing.
"Yeah, I just said no Pravda today. The Communist Party is gone!" The stand owner, visibly annoyed, said.
It didn't took long before Ivanovich returned again, still asking for Pravda.
"What the fuck is your problem! I told you twice there's no fucking Pravda today! There's no Communist Party anymore!"
"I know," said Ivanovich. "I just want to hear it again."
Olofahere@reddit
Pravda translates as Truth, and Isvestia as News. So the joke was there's no pravda in Isvestia and no isvestia in Pravda.
(Make your own Pravda Social joke)
lfc94121@reddit
At some points people were diligently cutting out pictures of Stalin and other high ranked officials before taking the papers with them to the toilet. You REALLY did't want your communal apartment neighbors to think that you had wiped your ass with the dear leader's face.
eudjinn@reddit
A newpaper cost few kopecks.
Izavestia 2 kopecks in 1966, 4 kopecks in 1986.
Pravda - 5 kopecks in 1988
Komsomolskaya pravda - 3 kopecks in 1984
But in general the situation with toillet paper was like this.
Visible_Fruit_455@reddit
The real one’s always in the comments
Ramp007@reddit
A Czech man goes into a police station in Soviet-occupied Prague and complains at the desk, "A Swiss soldier just stole my good Russian watch!"
The officer looks at him, puzzled, and asks him to say that again.
"A Swiss soldier just stole my good Russian watch!"
"Don't you mean that a *Russian* soldier stole your *Swiss* watch?"
"Well, maybe... but you said it, not me!"
ExistingBathroom9742@reddit
That’s a current joke in America too.
Sexualintellectual31@reddit
A Russian man saved his money until he could afford the cheapest Lada. He goes to place his order and he is told that the car will be available on a date well over a year away, but if he can’t be there that day, the car will be sold to the next buyer. So he’s asked, “will you be there?” He tells the salesman “no, I can’t, the plumber is supposed to be coming that day.”
FourteenthCylon@reddit
Right now I'm using the exact same method to determine when I should take my money out of Euros, Swiss Francs and British Pounds and put it back into the US stock market.
God_Bless_A_Merkin@reddit
As an American, I hope your optimism is rewarded.
FourteenthCylon@reddit
I'm an American too. I'm stuck here, but at least my money gets to flee the country.
Ok_Discussion6529@reddit
Fuck the radical left
Chaotic424242@reddit
Pal, It ain't the radical left. I'm an independent moderate and I'm waiting for this headline.
Ok_Discussion6529@reddit
For North Korea...
thisisa_fake_account@reddit
I'm a fake account and even I'm waiting
God_Bless_A_Merkin@reddit
😫 😫 😫
paapappalupaa@reddit
I propose a solution to gain world peace. Maybe the God of Sun has become angry. We could try sacrificer world leaders for the God of Sun to see if it make him happy. I see no downside for trying this.
Valuable-Paramedic93@reddit
Making the rounds at gulag 6 , since 1934