In ancient Rome, a man was convicted of eating his wife.

Posted by Mysterious_Lock9524@reddit | Jokes | View on Reddit | 55 comments

The soldiers arrested him and brought him before Caesar.

"Do you have remorse for your heinous crime?" Caesar asked.

The Roman smiled and shook his head. He looked very happy.

Caesar was shocked.

He told the guards, "To commit such an act is bad enough, but to be happy about it? As a punishment, keep him in chains, and every day make him fight armed opponents, using only the minimum of weapons! Report back to me in a week, we'll see if he's still smiling."

The guards dragged the man off.

He was still smiling.

As they were commanded, each day they made the prisoner fight.

On the first day, armed with only a net and a stick, he fought an opponent with a spear.

The next day, with only a small rope, he fought two swordsmen. And so on, he was forced to fight every day.

At the end of the week, the prisoner was in a real sorry state.

He could barely blink, let alone smile.

The head guard came to Caesar.

"Oh, Caesar, I have come to report on the prisoner. We made him fight each day, using the most basic weapons, like a, er, you know, whaddaya call it?"

"Gladiator?" said Caesar.

The guard snickered, "No, he actually quite regrets it now."

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alvincheo@reddit

Gladiator = glad he ate her

UnnusAbbus@reddit

I don't get it

atowntommy@reddit

I had not seen this one before. Take my upvote!

Mueryk@reddit

I can see this as a Monty Python skit with Michael Palin as Caesar and John Cleese as the Guard.

Of course the cannibal would be Graham Chapman.

AdjunctFunktopus@reddit

He had a wife, you know!

cycolyst@reddit

You know what she's called? She's called... 'Incontinentia'. 'Incontinentia Buttocks'.

JustJonny@reddit

"He has split."

Motorboat_Jones@reddit

"Hail Theethar!"

Alicam123@reddit

Huh? I don’t get it? Is this a joke about gladiators being gay back in Roman times?

DotaFeg69@reddit

glad he ate her gladiator

Cali-Smoothie@reddit

Glad he ate her before the gangbang

cgme2000@reddit

Need you for a living could be misinterpreted

w_benjamin@reddit

In ancient Rome, a new lion was brought in to the Coliseum to fight the prisoners each day. To the lions surprise the opponents put up a good fight. "Man, I thought this would be easy!" he said to an older lion. The older lion said "Well, the works pretty hard, but the prophets are good..."

Kreig_Xochi@reddit

My wife and I refer to the movie Gladiator as "The Happy Dragon."

Mental-Sympathy-7473@reddit

Was it a foot massage?

sthetic@reddit

A good variant would be:

He gives oral sex to the Caesar's wife, or someone else he is not supposed to. The phrase "eat her" is never used until the "Gladiator" part at the end.

AE_WILLIAMS@reddit

Yes, but then you would see that coming from a mile away!

More so than in this joke, where "eating his wife" is in the title?

I meant the wife, not the punchline...

drakekengda@reddit

You can do a Russel Crowe joke as well. Something like 'why is Russell Crowe very happy after 69'ing his wife? Cause he's Gladiator'

This is perfect.

Mysterious_Lock9524@reddit (OP)

Or maybe something like: Have you heard of the Roman who had pubic hair in his mouth? They say he was Gladiator

greeneggs_and_hamlet@reddit

Caesar’s friend, Brutus, reported that the man also ate his second wife.

Caesar replied, “Ate two, Brute?”

RoninRobot@reddit

Long walk for a short joke.

iamkeerock@reddit

Abbreviated version: What do you call a Roman with hair in his mouth? Gladiator.

ThatDarnTiff@reddit

I mean, I assumed she was still alive and he was just doing his husbandry duty.

Lucyyyyyy_K@reddit

I don't get it, can someone explain?

bthedjguy@reddit

Understanding gladiator was set up as Glad he ate her, it still doesn't land for me. considering neither being a gladiator or being glad her ate her would be a weapon.
The soldier was asking what do you call that weapon.

Schrocknroll2000@reddit

He was asking what do you call a guy who fights with minimal weapons, a gladiator.

karrowAce@reddit

No, fighting with basic weapons, like a Gladiator would do.

toxcrusadr@reddit

Say Gladiator real slow.

Ah, so it's "glad he ate her"?

LonelyWizardDead@reddit

ah thanks i really wasnt getting it

GrimmSheeper@reddit

No, he actually regrets it now.

Bingo!

Shadourow@reddit

Had to google it

Seems like people pronounce Giadiator as "Glad-he-ate-her"

thisisnotdan@reddit

It's common, especially in some British dialects, to skip over the "H" sound in some words. "Gladiator" sounds like "Glad 'e ate 'er."

There's a whole slew of contextual jokes that can be triggered by any word that ends in "-er"

"Trigger? I 'ardly know 'er!"

Granted, those usually work best when the base word is an actual verb, but with the right crowd people will laugh at the possibility that there's just some depraved sex act that they've never heard of.

Yeah, no, the "h" isn't the issue here, there is a whole world outside the commonwealth that doesn't pronounce it