Let’s hear your best lawyer joke. I’ll go first.
Posted by idahowoodworker@reddit | Jokes | View on Reddit | 242 comments
Why do lawyers wear neckties?
To hold the foreskin back.
Posted by idahowoodworker@reddit | Jokes | View on Reddit | 242 comments
Why do lawyers wear neckties?
To hold the foreskin back.
Due-Ad8230@reddit
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. However, their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next week, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
stickgrinder@reddit
I knew this version:
A man asks a lawyer: "How much does it cost to ask three questions?" "It's 1500 dollars." "Damn, isn't it WAY to much?" "Yes, of course. But please, ask me the third one."
RubSilent@reddit
Yh I saw that joke recently. It should've ended with 'but I thought I had 3 questions?'.... 'Yes and I've answered them. Now for the bill.'
stickgrinder@reddit
Ahah, nice addition 😁
RubSilent@reddit
Yh honestly the joke ends on a good note since the client still has 1 question left. I wanted to destroy any potential good ending...
Zemom1971@reddit
A good ending? With a lawyer?
Stop continuing the joke. It was good enough.
RubSilent@reddit
Well it depends how you go about it. Did you survive? Or even win.
I was trying to improve it. And I believe I did. My additions can’t have upset you this much.
Zemom1971@reddit
I was joking you know, but I get it. Maybe it would have been better to add a " /s " at the end for more clarity.
RubSilent@reddit
It’s not that I don’t believe you. But what was the joke?
Zemom1971@reddit
Just that since there are a lot of joke about how lawyers are crook whatever the side you are you can never have a good ending to a story with a lawyer.
RubSilent@reddit
Idk why it’s so difficult for me to reply to you (on my phone). Yeh most of those jokes don’t have a happy ending.
But the whole reason I did what I did was to make sure there wasn’t a happy ending. More like I was trying to consolidate that fact by making the guy ‘use’ all 3 questions.
Then have the lawyers ask for the bill. Anyways we both wanted the same thing.
OkDefinition285@reddit
A joke I haven’t seen before on this sub- awesome!
RubSilent@reddit
Which one? The bill joke under the first poster is one I've heard plenty. JK I heard it today cos I don't look for jokes.
notaredditreader@reddit
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ?
Zemom1971@reddit
Ask his lawyer.
idahowoodworker@reddit (OP)
Haha 😂
igillyg@reddit
Devil gives a day off from torture but usually requires a challenge. But he doesn't want to come up with one so he just gives people the question "what's 2+2?"
The first one who comes into the room is a plumber. Answers "4" because he doesn't need to think about it.
2nd one is a teacher and answers by educating why 2+2 is four.
3rd one is a philosopher and asks what 2 means in this context and after explaining the construct of numbers finally says 4.
4th one is a lawyer and he is asked. He hesitates, gets up, locks the door, sits down and asks, "what do you need it to be?"
rudolph_ransom@reddit
Usually the accountant asks what he 2+2 needs to be.
I still laughed.
Roxxerr@reddit
An accountant would probably say the answer is somewhere between 3,5 and 4,5.
rudolph_ransom@reddit
No that's the statistics guy
Roxxerr@reddit
The statistics guy would say the answer is 4,000000000
Zemom1971@reddit
4.00000000 as an average on a distribution Gaussian curve.
tomorrow509@reddit
Are you European? The comma kind of gives it away.
Watergirl626@reddit
Believe it or not, 96% of the world doesn't live in the US.
rudolph_ransom@reddit
Confidence interval?
Changeup2020@reddit
Sounds like an engineer.
RelevantSimple9460@reddit
Gold!
chaingun_samurai@reddit
Name something that can goose can do, a duck can't do, and a lawyer should do?
Stick their bill up their ass.
Why were lawyers invented?
So that used car salesmen can feel better about themselves.
What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A Rottweiler.
oxiraneobx@reddit
What do you call a bus full of lawyers that plunges off a cliff with one empty seat?
A damn shame.
babablacksheeps33@reddit
Why are a bunch of lawyers riding the bus? Should be a limo, and you'd call it a "head start"
Prestigous_Owl@reddit
I've also heard this as
"What's the saddest thing about a bus of lawyers going over a cliff?
There was still one empty seat"
notaredditreader@reddit
We lost a good driver?
Distinct-Speaker8426@reddit
Obviously not that good if he went over a cliff.
RubSilent@reddit
He got rid of the lawyers....
Outerarm@reddit
a start?
KinkyBADom@reddit
Or a missed opportunity
Captain_Spaceturd@reddit
Did you hear the one about the jurisprudence fetishist?
...yeah, he got off on a technicality.
The_Flapjack_Kid@reddit
It's so cold out, the lawyers have their hands in their own pockets.
RubSilent@reddit
So they're stealing from themselves? How desperate.
uberbeetle@reddit
Hiyooooo!
MoggFanatic@reddit
This one is usually claimed to be a real exchange, but I've never seen a source
Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
RubSilent@reddit
Yooooo another good one. It's being saved.
Superb-Damage8042@reddit
I heard this one in law school
oxiraneobx@reddit
A young couple is killed in a car accident and go to Heaven. They ask St. Peter if they can get married as they were planning their wedding before they died prematurely. St. Peter said, "But, there's no marriage in Heaven, you're here forever, and maybe you won't want to be married forever." The couple insists, and St. Peter said, "OK, fine, give me some time."
A couple of years go by and St. Peter finds the couple and says, "Great news! We finally have a priest in Heaven and he's agreed to perform the wedding." The happy couple gets married and settles down to their forever life.
Years later, they seek out St. Peter and tell them they want a divorce, that he was right, they don't want to be married forever. St. Peter throws his hands up in exasperation, "You know how hard it was to find a priest in Heaven? You think I'm going to be able to find a lawyer??"
RubSilent@reddit
The fact that they have to find the priest is concerning. I mean I get the lawyer people think of them as not so good people whether true or not.
Wonderful-Image-8660@reddit
Hahaha love it
RelevantSimple9460@reddit
(Family Guy Ostrich: Ha HA!)
Biltard@reddit
Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
TheGooOnTheFloor@reddit
Why do they dig lawyers graves 12 feet down instead of 6?
Because deep down their not really so bad.
Crowmagnon0@reddit
Okay, so, yeah, "Who corrects grammar on the jokes subreddit?" I'm gonna get down voted to hell, let's go for it.
Literally either other form of there/they're/their would have worked for the joke. Both "deep down there" and "deep down they're" would have been cool. The pun goes both ways!
Why in the hell did you go for the possessive one?
TheGooOnTheFloor@reddit
Damn autocorrect.
RubSilent@reddit
If you can say they are then it's they're. If you're referring to a place or location then it's there.
RubSilent@reddit
You yourself added the 'their' option though?
Biltard@reddit
English isn't my first language
GollyWow@reddit
There is a saying to apologize for rude people "deep down he/she/they are not that bad."
Also, this was written incorrectly, "their" should have been "they are'
Biltard@reddit
Gosh darnit!
Iamapartofthisworld@reddit
Still good!
stickgrinder@reddit
Reminds me of a joke that was going on in Italy back in the 80s.
Three guys travel by train with a lawyer. One is American, one is German and the third is Italian. At one point the American guy unwraps a brand new pack of chewing gum, takes one and throw the rest of of the window.
Shocked the Italian guys asks "Why did you throw an almost entire pack of gums out the window?"
"Oh, we have so much of them in the US that we're used to throw them away like this." The travels goes on when the German guy opens a can of wurstels, takes one and throw the rest off the window. Again the Italian guy asks why and the German explains that they have so much in Germany that it's not worth saving them all.
The Italian guy mumble for some seconds, then grab the lawyer and throws him out the window.
Not the best one out there, and I think it's better acted out with accents and 🤌 but it's funny how lawyers are target to the most acid jokes since ages 😂
stinkyfootjr@reddit
Why don’t lawyers go to the beach? Because cats are always trying to cover them up.
dachjaw@reddit
Q: What do you call a lawyer buried three feet deep?
A: A job half done.
richardelmore@reddit
An engineer dies and when arrives at the Pearly Gates hi is told that his name is not in the book of life so he must go to hell instead. Upon arriving in hell, the engineer decided that the place really needs some work, so he sets about improving things.
Sometime later God and Satan are chatting on the phone and God asks, "How are things in hell these days?" to which Satan replies "Things are great, since that engineer arrived, we have air conditioning, running water and a bunch of other things that make life here better". God is alarmed by this as says, "You're not supposed to have any engineers down there, send him back here right away", Satan replies "No, I like having and engineer and I'm keeping him". God responds, "If you don't send him up here right away, I'll sue for breach of contract" to which Satan replies "Oh yea, and where are you going to find a lawyer?"
RubSilent@reddit
I've seen this so many times I'm sick of it.
RelevantSimple9460@reddit
A classic, But the kind that deserves to continue being shared. Kudos sir!
idahowoodworker@reddit (OP)
Classic!
Pitch_Tricky@reddit
The best so far.
rudolph_ransom@reddit
Classic one
ketoLifestyleRecipes@reddit
A wealthy lawyer was driving along in his limo, he saw two women eating grass. He told his driver to pull over. He asked the woman why they were eating grass. One woman said we don't have any money for food. The lawyer said get in and I will take you to my home to feed you. The lady said but I have a husband and two children under that tree over there. The lawyer said that's alright, bring them too. He said to the other lady you come too and the lady said... I have a husband and six children. The lawyer says that's alright bring them all. Everyone finally squeeze into the limo. One of the fathers says, thank you for feeding us. The lawyer says... You are going to love my place, the grass is nearly a foot tall.
RubSilent@reddit
YOOOOO I need to save this one. This seems like a great joke.
stickgrinder@reddit
Ahah, didn't expect that
RelevantSimple9460@reddit
Wooooow. A NEW one! Thank you kind sir!
idahowoodworker@reddit (OP)
Haha
Alive-Comparison1408@reddit
What do you get when you cross a bad politician and a crooked lawyer?
Chelsea Clinton
More of a political joke, but Hillary is a lawyer!
No-Pressure275@reddit
St Peter is walking around Heaven taki g inventory. When he reports to God, He looks somewhat confused and says, "Lord, I think we're two souls short."
God grabs the clipboard looks over and with rage building declares, "that son of a bitch.... I know what happened!"
Slams the clipboard on the table pick up the phone and dials Hell. When the Devil picks up he's quite flippant.
"What do you want?"
You have two of my souls, you send them back up right now, you're in breech of the contract. " god tells him
"Nope, I'm keeping them and that's it, nyah nyah nyah!" The devil responds.
This exchange goes on for nearly an hour when at the top of his frustration God exclaims, "You send those two souls back up here or I will sue you into oblivion."
The devil cackles maniacally and retorts "where are YOU gonna find a lawyer!?!"
nuclearlady@reddit
that's a good joke. but I would like to ask you something for my knowledge because I am experimenting with writing in English, its my second language.
(God grabs the clipboard looks over and with rage building declares, "that son of a bitch.... I know what happened!")
the sentence that God said came after him being mentioned, I didn't see this before as frequently the sentence comes before the person who said it, like for example in the above sentence:
"that son of a bitch.... I know what happened!" God declared with rage.
so can I use the style you used ( person / character then quoted sentence ) or this is considered unacceptable in story writing?
sorry if this is out of the subject and thank you for reading this and hopefully replying.
Worried-Economics865@reddit
You can do it either way. Context and subject -verb agreement make it clear who did the saying.
nuclearlady@reddit
Thank you for your input. So if I ever use the unusual way, I won’t be criticized or the story will not be considered low quality?
Worried-Economics865@reddit
Not a quality issue at all....one form or the other will usually flow more smoothly, based on the sentence leading into it and the sentence coming after.
nuclearlady@reddit
Thank you so much! That was very helpful!
No-Pressure275@reddit
You're good. In all actuality you are probably more correct. The thing about Native English we tend to take some more liberties with language and the nuance within, regardless of whether it is right or wrong. I think your example is probably more correct in a literary sense while my example is more of a speaking/conversational method. Yours os probably more correct tho.
nuclearlady@reddit
Thank you so much! In my native language the story is told by the way you wrote it, that’s why I get confused sometimes reading stories in English and it made it difficult for me when i first tried writing ( it is still difficult tho but not as difficult as when i first started).
DigressByFaberge@reddit
What do you call 500 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? ………..A good start🙂🤣😝
DM730@reddit
2 lawyers are standing on a street corner talking when the most beautiful women walks by. The first lawyer says to the second lawyer, "Man, id really love to screw her." The second lawyer says "Ya? Out of what?"
Worried-Economics865@reddit
I heard this, but it was a Priest and a Rabbi watching a 10 year old boy walk by...
dallased25@reddit
You want to know how to stop a lawyer from drowning? Take your foot off their head.
No_Salamander6564@reddit
What happens if u give a lawyer viagra? His head grows
i_am_ceejay@reddit
Suits didn't become well known until Netflix got it.
Hilsh62@reddit
Why are lawyers like sperm? Because only 1 in a million of them turns out to be a human being.
Ok-Condition-4051@reddit
My lawyer told me that he had to put away his tie; and go turtle•~•neck! He's lost so many cases over the year's on a simple technicalities where 3 separate prosecuted tried to execute his by tie°ing him up; with "IT!?"
Agnosticfrontbum@reddit
I bought a new book on herpetology the other day. It's called Snakes, lawyers and other reptiles.
dgm42@reddit
They made a board game out of it. Called Snakes and lawyers.
mkaszycki81@reddit
The snakes move you forward in this variant.
Agnosticfrontbum@reddit
Lol nice
idahowoodworker@reddit (OP)
If a client accidentally overpaid his lawyer $1000, would he keep it or share it with his partners?
cloudytimes159@reddit
I originally heard it as a question on the Texas ethics exam, which I posted, rounds out the joke a bit but glad to you posted it.
VibrantPianoNetwork@reddit
One I learned from one of my lawyers:
A guy is passing through a small town and stops at the only store in town to buy gas. While he's there, he gets into a dispute with a local that turns rough, and is arrested. As he's being taken away, he asks by-standers, "Do you have a criminal lawyer here?"
"Reckon we do," one of them said, scratching his chin. "But I'm not sure there's anything we can do about it."
cloudytimes159@reddit
Better call Saul…
richmondhill712@reddit
As a lawyer, I've heard all of these, but here's one I didn't see here:
My bashful little niece finally got up the courage to talk to me, and asked "Uncle Dan, are you really a lawyer?'
I said "Yes, honey, I am."
She said "Honest?"
I said "No, honey, just the regular kind."
smilingbuddhauk@reddit
So they're dicks? Agreed, but is that the joke or am I missing something?
cloudytimes159@reddit
Question on the Texas ethics exam: you bill your client for $100,000. They inadvertently send you a check of $1,000,000. Do You a) keep it for yourself or b) share it with your partners.
Eroe777@reddit
What's the difference between a vulture and a lawyer?
The lawyer's wingtips come off at the end of the day.
You are in a room with Osama bin Laden, Adolf Hitler, and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What do you do?
Shoot the lawyer twice.
Recently scientists have begun using lawyers for their experiments instead of mice and rats. There are three reasons why:
PQ01@reddit
Guy calls up a law office and asks to speak to the attorney Mr Kahn. The receptionist replies, I'm very sorry to inform you, but Mr Kahn just died a few days ago. He thanks her and hangs up.
Next day he calls again and asks to speak to Mr Kahn, and is once again told the same thing. He thanks the receptionist and hangs up.
The third day when he calls, the receptionist says, You know, I've advised you twice already that Mr Kahn died earlier this week, why do you keep calling back?
Guy replies, Well, I hope you'll forgive me, but he was my ex's divorce attorney, and I just enjoy hearing you speak the words.
Talmaska@reddit
You want a lawyer? Draw a pentagram on the ground and chant "I summon thee" 3 times and one will appear.
Not a "joke' but funny (I hope)
PQ01@reddit
You could rewrite it as, How do you get a lawyer to come see you at your office instead of his?
sevnminabs56@reddit
How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. "That's what the janitor is for."
PQ01@reddit
How many law professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Hell, it takes fifty just to write up the research grant.
nostromo909@reddit
For what 3 reasons did scientists stop using rats for AIDS research and started using lawyers? 1) There are more lawyers than rats. 2) The scientists were becoming too emotionally attached to the rats. 3) They couldn’t get the rats to f**k each other in the ass.
PQ01@reddit
I always heard #3 as, there are some things rats just won't do.
amerkanische_Frosch@reddit
Why was the lawyer buried up to his neck in sand?
Because they ran out of sand.
(Sauce: am a lawyer).
KnoWanUKnow2@reddit
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean
Also, a true story. My brother is a tax adjuster and his friend is a lawyer. At a party a while back the lawyer friend had been heard to remark to my brother "Finally, someone I can look down on!" after a few drinks.
idahowoodworker@reddit (OP)
Haha 😂
cowvin@reddit
Well, to be clear, back in those days, tax collectors were viewed as sinners because they were frequently corrupt. A modern day tax adjuster isn't usually corrupt, people just don't like to pay taxes.
PQ01@reddit
I think today you could just substitute IRS agent, and everyone in the States would get it instantly.
Zorbathepom@reddit
Source: (I can't believe you're a lawyer)
funky_buddha77@reddit
It can't believe it's not butter
sanat-kumara@reddit
A famous lawyer was bragging that he was a better lawyer than even Perry Mason. Someone said, "how can that be: Perry Mason never lost a case". The lawyer replied, "Yes, but Perry Mason's clients were innocent."
jadmcgregor@reddit
I personally love the scene in Jurassic Park when the lawyer gets eaten off the toilet… not a telling joke but still damn funny!!!
fastfar@reddit
And now we know that T. Rex prefers lawyers in a can.
flowersatdusk@reddit
Hahaha
royphotog@reddit
Have you heard that scientists are replacing laboratory rats with lawyers.
They found that there were more lawyers then rats.
There were some things the rats wouldn't do
And the scientist were becoming quite fond of the rats.
terrence906@reddit
I don't get it
LiterateGuineapig@reddit
The joke is that they are dicks
Earthkit@reddit
I still don’t get it
equals42_net@reddit
They are dickheads.
LiterateGuineapig@reddit
The foreskin is a part of the penis, at the tip. So haha, it doesn’t go around their neck, it goes to stop that from showing. I don’t find it a good joke, and don’t really know if I am missing something else from it that would make it an actual joke.
dickbutt_md@reddit
A philosophical thought experiment.
You are a professional photographer at a national park, and you are photographing the raging rapids from the top of a waterfall.
Suddenly, a divorce lawyer and a corporate attorney come floating by and, just before they go over the waterfall's edge, they each manage to grab some tree roots coming out of the bank of the rushing river. They are separated by about 20 feet, both rapidly losing their grip. You would only have time to pull one of them out to safety.
The question: Should you use a high ISO and freeze the action or a low ISO to show the movement of the water?
Funny-Initiative9901@reddit
why cant lawyers go to the beach?
Because cats keep trying to bury them in the sand!
ABetterVersionofYou@reddit
"Please don't tell mom I'm a lawyer, she thinks I'm the piano player in a whorehouse"-seen on a bumper sticker years ago
Lumi780@reddit
Is that a pretty baby reference?
idahowoodworker@reddit (OP)
I saw it as don’t tell my mom I work in the oilfield. LOL
afraid-of-the-dark@reddit
What do you call two hundred lawyers buried up to their necks in sand?
Not enough sand.
OGLifeguardOne@reddit
What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities.
ZebraPossible2877@reddit
What’s the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? The snake has skid marks in front of it.
kvilletim@reddit
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a catfish? One is a bottom dwelling scum sucker and the other is just a fish.
KeipaVitru@reddit
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a hooker?
The hooker will stop fucking you after you’re dead.
Own-Fun-4041@reddit
Satan was expanding he'll and it pushed over the property line between heaven and hell.
God: Satan I am going to sue you!
Satan: OH yeah? Where are you gonna get a lawyer??
CowboyKatMills@reddit
Dewey Screwum & Howe
Omephla@reddit
I always heard the law firm as Dewey, Cheetum, and Howe.
CowboyKatMills@reddit
Cheetum is too weak, but i'll acquiesce to the suggestion of a comma after Dewey 🙀
VibrantPianoNetwork@reddit
The original is Dewey, Cheatham, and Howe, which are all common surnames.
CowboyKatMills@reddit
I'm not very original.
LegitimateBuilding6@reddit
What do you call a submarine full of lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A great start.
Ddowns5454@reddit
What's the difference between a carp and a lawyer? One is slimy and stinks. The other is a fish.
LexLuthorJr@reddit
If you throw a fat lawyer and a thin lawyer off the top of a skyscraper, which one will hit the ground first?
Who cares?
Deep-Darkest@reddit
What do you call 2,000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.
dad831@reddit
Pollution
berkleysquare@reddit
A man asks a lawyer how much he charges. $500 for 3 questions was the reply. Isn't that a bit expensive?asked the man . Yes it is was the reply,now what's your third question!
lawndartgoalie@reddit
When people say to me, "can I ask you a question?" I say, "Sure, would you like to ask another."
MisterSouvlaki@reddit
I say "You just did..."
LemonEar@reddit
But it’s two for one day, so go ahead and ask another
dgm42@reddit
A girl asks her priest "You can't get pregnant from anal sex can you?"
"Good heavens" replies the priest "That's where lawyers come from."
nuclearlady@reddit
I'm sorry yould you explain the joke to me ?
Ybcause@reddit
The explanation to the joke is that Lawyers = bowel movements aka shit.
nuclearlady@reddit
Lol! Thanks for explaining!
idahowoodworker@reddit (OP)
Haha good one
Runes_my_ride@reddit
My lawyer's favorite joke. What does a lawyer use for birth control? His personality!
OriginalIronDan@reddit
A very wealthy man, dies, and in his will, he states that he wants his three sons to prove how successful they are by each putting $1 million in his coffin before he’s buried. At the funeral, his first son, a doctor, makes a very heartfelt speech and puts $1 million in cash in his coffin. His second son, the CEO of a very successful international business also makes a heartfelt speech, and puts $1 million in cash in his coffin. His third son, a lawyer, makes a very nice speech, puts a check for $3 million in the coffin, and takes out his change.
NotMyPoo@reddit
Two lawyers go into a restaurant, sit down at a table, grab sandwiches from their briefcases and start eating them. The owner notices and tells them: - Hey! You cannot eat your own sandwiches here! The lawyers shrug and swap their sandwiches.
hghlnder72@reddit
Scientists have started using lawyers in their clinical studies instead of rats, turns out there's some things even rats won't do.
Chubbydong@reddit
Did you hear women can become pregnant from anal sex?
Where do you think lawyers come from???
Lionel_Hutz_Lawfirm@reddit
I find this entire thread and the posters in here of poor taste.
Queifjay@reddit
What do lawyers and sperm have in common? One in a million actually have a chance to become a human being.
Ok-Condition-4051@reddit
I told my Trust Fund Lawyer of My Mother's Estate that he Is Nothing But A Big Joke!? I told him that the only he could passed the Bar Exam, was because it consisted of only one multiple choice question with 5 choices, Where E. stated one or more of the previous 4; of A, B, C, D, = E - either at least one, or more of the previous solutions is likely to be a conceivably possible correct answer, if not all of the above!? He gave me a confused look! Or you likely was extra consideration of the point; on top of the Dunce Hat That He Wore That Day!?
VibrantPianoNetwork@reddit
wut
Ok-Condition-4051@reddit
Lack of any sleep. Half asleep rambling after I hung on him. The Lawyer I mean.
riverdog47@reddit
Me my jqrwlkwps we q w
Ok-Condition-4051@reddit
LoL You Got That. The Lawyer spelled my that on an application that way, too.
Shatnerknickerz@reddit
Trump has THE BEST lawyers.
VibrantPianoNetwork@reddit
That his promised money can buy.
RitaPoole56@reddit
True story with two jokes. My sister was in law school and she was on a committee to address the terrible lack of parking for law students. The dean met with them and told this joke:
A little old lady needed her will adjusted so called in 3 lawyers separately and explained her needs. The first lawyer said it was a very complex situation and would require a legal team a week’s worth of billable hours to handle it. She explained that she had a couple other lawyers to meet but would let him know if he was hired.
The second lawyer had the issue explained and said he could settle things himself with a day or two’s worth of time. He was also dismissed.
The third lawyer gets the same story and says that it’s quite simple, he could handle it right away and could fix this so easily that there would be no charge!
After they all left she saw her favorite fancy pen was missing. Which lawyer took it?
The Dean said it was surely the first lawyer as the last two were obviously figments of her imagination! (Big laugh from the students)
My sister follows with her intro to address the issue at hand. : There was this law student and three parking spots… (She graduated top in her class)
LurkerTron4000@reddit
Old lawyers don't die... They just lose their appeal
bewleystea@reddit
What's the difference between a leech and a probate lawyer?
A leech lets go when you die.
PimpDaddyLarge@reddit
Whats the difference berween a lawyer and a catfish?
Ones a scum sucking bottom feeder and the other is just a fish.
FreeRocker@reddit
Q: What's the difference between a prostitute and a lawyer?
A: A prostitute won't screw you when you're dead.
Jdtdtauto@reddit
What do you get when you cross a pig and a lawyer? Nothing! There are some things a pig just won’t do.
richardelmore@reddit
A priest, a police officer and a lawyer are out fishing together when their boat starts to sink in shark infested waters. The priest says, "I'm a man of God and the Lord will protect me, I will swim to shore and get help". The police officer says, "No father, I am sword to protect and serve, I will swim to shore for help". While they are arguing the lawyer dive into the water and start swimming to shore, a huge shark circles around him, dives underneath then picks him up on his back and carries him to shore. The priest is amazed and says "Praise the Lord it's a miracle" to which the cop replies "No, not a miracle, just professional courtesy".
Serge-DePola@reddit
A protesting Karen gets hit by a truck that wouldn't stop for her BS. She finds herself at the pearly gates where Peter chuckles and says, "Nope, you're not getting in here."
Karen (being a Karen) shouts, "I KNOW MY RIGHTS!! I'LL SUE!!"
Peter smirks, and says, "and where are you going to find a lawyer?"
Icarian113@reddit
2 lawyers are walking down the beach when they see a woman struggling in the surf. They swim out to her and rescue her, when the finally get back to shore they notice she is unconscious and completely nude. The first lawyer looks at the 2nd and says we should f##k her.
The 2nd responds , out of what.
canibalbarca@reddit
What do you call an alligator with a law degree?
A littigator
The-Last-Days@reddit
A guy walks into a bar really angry and slams his fist down on the bar and yells out, “Lawyers are A-holes!”
Just then a guy a couple stools down starts clearing his throat… “uch, uch, uch, umm…”
So the angry guy says, “Oh I’m sorry. Are you a lawyer?”
And the other guy says, “No, I’m an A-hole!”
Cosmo1222@reddit
A lawyer goes to hospital for a very serious, risky operation.
The anaesthetic wears off. He comes to and looks about. His doctors are there, but it's all very dark.
'Why are the curtains closed?' He asks.
'Well,' his surgeon replies.' The warehouse opposite the hospital is ablaze. We didn't want you waking up thinking you hadn't survived the procedure.'
NetDork@reddit
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
Removable wingtips.
himitsumono@reddit
Or as I heard it (and like it better), to keep their foreskins from hiding their faces.
DerCatzefragger@reddit
Why is New Jersey full of toxic industrial waste, but Florida is full of lawyers?
NetDork@reddit
I always heard it as Washington DC or NYC being full of lawyers.
idahowoodworker@reddit (OP)
LOL good one
Hashashin455@reddit
Why do disabled people make the worst lawyers?
None of their arguments ever have a leg to stand on
Curious-Ambition3660@reddit
What do a lawyer and a sperm cell have in common?
They each have a one in a million chance to become a human being.
thegoodrichard@reddit
How many lawyers does it take to grease a combine? Just one, but you have to feed him through real slow.
bobwehadababy1tsaboy@reddit
2 alligators are talking and the little one asks the big ine, "hey why are you so much bigger? We live in the same pond and eat the same lawyers.
The big one saysn idk what do you do when you eat.
The little one replies "well I wait under the expensive cars for a lawyer to come out. I grab them, shake the shit out of them, then eat them."
The big one says Ahh Haa. That's the problem..By the time you finish shaking the shit out of them, there is nothing left but shoes and a briefcase.
DannyGlassman@reddit
Do you know what ten lawyers at the bottom of Lake Erie is? A good start.
hoosyourdaddyo@reddit
Why don’t sharks eat lawyers? Professional courtesy.
Crazyivan99@reddit
As a lawyer, I find this highly offensive. We are never that nice to each other.
idahowoodworker@reddit (OP)
LOL I heard it as rattlesnakes but sharks works too.
DataJunkie1337420@reddit
Because they don't like the taste of all the bullshit that comes out of them
WildBoy-72@reddit
What's the difference between a lawyer and a mosquito?
One of them is a bloodsucking parasite, and the other one is a mosquito.
killspammers@reddit
What is the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks on the road in front of the snake where the drive tried to stop.
d1sambigu8@reddit
A dead body is found and they take him for a post mortum. The police ask the doctor if they know how he died, and the doctor said "I don't know, but we do know he was a lawyer". "How do you know that?" "Well we opened him up and he had no spine and no heart but was totally full of shit"
pwuk@reddit
I know a lawyer who represents monkies, for free, ProBonobo
mickwi4486@reddit
Screws others 20 times a day...
pwuk@reddit
Wild
dalownerx3@reddit
A physician, an engineer, and a lawyer were arguing about whose profession was the oldest.
The surgeon said, “Remember how God removed a rib from Adam to create Eve? Obviously, medicine is the oldest profession.”
The engineer replied, “But before that, God created the heavens and the Earth from chaos, in less than a week. You have to admit that was a remarkable feat of engineering, and that makes engineering an older profession than medicine.”
The lawyer smirked and asked, “And who do you think created the chaos?”
dalownerx3@reddit
The devil went up to a lawyer and made an offer. He said if the lawyer is willing to give up his soul, the souls of his family, and all his descendants, the devil would grant him unlimited wealth and power.
The lawyer thought a bit and asked “So, what’s the catch?”
Zadok47@reddit
What is the difference between the word "Lawyer" and the word "Liar"? Context.
Zadok47@reddit
What is the difference between the word "Lawyer" and the word "Liar"? Context.
daird1@reddit
The story goes that back in the pre- Civil War days, Ulysses S. Grant was riding his horse through a rainstorm. Needing to find some place to shelter until the weather passed, he stopped by an inn, where a couple of circuit lawyers were also staying. One of them recognized him and said, "Mr. Grant, you look like you've been through Hell!"
"You could say that."
"And how did you find it?"
"Just like here- lawyers closest to the fire."
Hour-Ticket-7651@reddit
Three Christian professional men ― a physician, an engineer and an attorney ― were enjoying a businessmen’s lunch, when the topic turned to their professions and religion. Soon a discussion ensued about whose occupation was the oldest.
The doctor said "In Genesis 2:21-22, it talks about how God removed a rib from Adam and created Eve from it. That is a surgical procedure, and you can’t get much earlier in the Bible than Genesis 2, so medicine is the oldest profession."
The engineer said "Just a minute, here. In the first ten verses of Genesis 1, it talks about how God created the framework of the earth and made order out of chaos. Those are the very first verses of the Bible, and you just can’t get any earlier in history than that!"
To which the lawyer cleared his throat and said "Yes, but who do you think created the chaos in the first place?"
Proletariat_Smurf@reddit
Four surgeons met at a conference and head to a bar for drinks. The discussion turns to what profession makes the best patient.
The first surgeon says accountants because you just follow the numbers.
The second surgeon says librarians because it is all by the book.
The third surgeon says engineers because you can always leave out the extra parts.
The fourth surgeon just laughed. He said, "I love operating on attorneys."
The others were shocked and in disbelief.
The fourth surgeon explained, "Lawyers are spineless, gutless and heartless. Plus their heads and asses are interchangeable. An easy surgery!"
SalParadise33@reddit
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
A rooster clucks defiance
idahowoodworker@reddit (OP)
That took me a minute 😂😂😂
Alive-Comparison1408@reddit
What's the difference between a porcupine and a car full lawyers?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
idahowoodworker@reddit (OP)
😂 haha
ketoLifestyleRecipes@reddit
A big biker bursts into a bar and yells... All lawyers are assholes! A skinny guy at the end of the bar jumps up and says... I resent that comment! The biker says, why are you a lawyer?. Skinny guy says... No I'm an asshole.
crazy4llama@reddit
What happens when a lawyer takes Viagra?
He gets taller.
idahowoodworker@reddit (OP)
LOL relates to mine. Good one
Obxshark@reddit
What’s the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? One is a scum sucking bottom dweller, and the other is a fish.
SpareMind@reddit
I asked a lawyer about "Advocate" sticker on the back of his car, you must be proud of your profession!! He replied, no, I don't want to be half dead in case of crash. I'm sure, after seeing the sticker, they will ensure it.
Otherwise_Singer6043@reddit
What do you call 50 lesbians and 50 lawyers in the same room?
100 people who don't do dick.
mushbo@reddit
Q. Why cant you circumcise a lawyer?
A. Because there's no end to those pricks.
Lucy_Little_Spoon@reddit
What do you call a lawyer with a soul?
Fictional
___HeyGFY___@reddit
I found out a few weeks ago that my divorce lawyer passed away.
I didn't go to his funeral, but I sent a message saying that I approved of it.
Fmeinthegoatass@reddit
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
Ones a scum sucking bottle dweller, the other is a fish
If your mother in law and a lawyer were drowning and you could only save one, would you get lunch or go to the movies?
Infernal_Contraption@reddit
A man bursts into his lawyer's office, frantic with worry, and demands; "I need help but I can't afford your hourly rate! Can you just answer two questions for $5000!?"
The lawyer looks up at him and says, "Certainly. What is your second question?"
cikanman@reddit
what happens when you give a lawyer Viagra? He grows 4 inches
SirOleopanza@reddit
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? One is an animal that sordidly flies over dying animals, waiting for them to keel over to feed on their flesh, the other is a bird.
zxcovman@reddit
So this 30 year old lawyer dies and reaches the place of judgement. He is furious and asks the angels why the hell he was there? He said he was only 30 and still had a lot to live for. The angel replied to him, well according to your billable hours you are 80 and made it here just in time.
mrcapmam1@reddit
Q: what do you call a bus load of lawyers at the bottom of the sea ? A: a good start
Pkrudeboy@reddit
Why don’t sharks ever attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.
westparkmod@reddit
What do you call 100 lawyers drowned at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.
GreatBoneStructure@reddit
“As you know it is not my custom to speak ill of any man, but I do believe that gentleman is a barrister.” Dr. Johnson
TheMaster781@reddit
What do lawyers wear to court?
Lawsuits
Negative-Language595@reddit
What do you call a family of lawyers, politicians and HR consultants? “The Aristocrats!”
KeithMyArthe@reddit
What's the definition of a tragic bus accident?
When a bus full of lawyers falls off a cliff and there are two empty seats.
Cuchullain99@reddit
Guy sticks his head in the Lawyers office "how much do you charge", the Lawyer answers "$2,000 for 3 questions".. "that's a bit expensive, don't you think"? the lawyer replies, "I don't think so, what's your third question"
EnvironmentalDeal256@reddit
99 percent of lawyers give the other 1 percent a bad name.
oldfart1967@reddit
How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? Take your foot off his head
rudolph_ransom@reddit
A man asks a lawyer: "How much does it cost to answer me three questions?"
Lawyer: "150$. What are your other two questions?"
BenMic81@reddit
One of the oldest known lawyer jokes (I was told it predates the 16th century):
Two lawyers meet before the court. The first asks the second about his latest case. The second answers: “Oh, it was really time to end that case. We settled it just this morning.” - “Oh”, says the first lawyer, “what a pity. I thought you really earned well from this case all that time. And the defendant and the claimant seemed so wealthy.” - “Well yes”, said the second, “but it was high time, the case was ruining both clients!”
Cosmo1222@reddit
A man in a sharp suit walks in to a pub with a briefcase in one hand and a crocodile on a leash in the other. He asks the barman 'Do you serve lawyers?' To which the barman replies 'Yes' 'Excellent' says the man. 'I'll have a steak pie and chips, and a lawyer for my crocodile'
Business-Emu-6923@reddit
That joke didn’t go where I thought it was going.
I was kinda expecting the reptile to be the lawyer, or a joke about not serving reptiles…
DataJunkie1337420@reddit
I was watching porn online earlier.
It was titled, 'Lawyer fucks client'.
It was filed under the category 'Reality'.
xaqiah@reddit
What do you call 500 Lawyers chained together at the bottom of the sea?
A good start.
Doubl3dogdamn3d@reddit
What's the best way to bury a lawyer?
In paper work.