Three Nuns Die in a Car Crash…

Posted by Portland_st@reddit | Jokes | View on Reddit | 42 comments

The three nuns are standing before the Gates of Heaven, and St. Peter says, “You each will need to answer a question before you enter Heaven. But don’t worry, the questions aren’t that hard.” The first nun approached, and St. Peter asked her, “What was the name of the first woman?” The first nun said, “Her name was Eve.” St. Peter replied, “Great! You can enter Heaven.” The second nun approached, and St. Peter asked, “What was the name of Eve’s husband?” The second nun answered, “His name was Adam.” “Excellent! You may also enter.” The third nun was the Mother Superior, and St. Peter said to her, “Since you’re a Mother Superior, your question will need to be more difficult. What did Eve say when she first saw Adam?” The Mother Superior thought and thought but couldn’t remember anything about this in the Bible, and said, “Wow! That’s a hard one…”. “Yes!”, St. Peter said excitedly, “That was exactly what she said!”

42 Comments

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Studly_54@reddit

I often use Adam's line, "Stand back, baby. I don't know how big this thing gets!"

GaMERFox_09@reddit

I first heard this joke when I was working as a receptionist at a veterinary clinic awhile back. This older gentleman who regularly brought his little dachshunds in tells me and my office manager this joke and I couldn’t help but laugh since I wasn’t expecting that from him, and I remember my office manager just standing there in shock, haha. Good memories.

WrittenInTheStars@reddit

Here’s a joke to go with that one: who was the first carpenter? >!Eve, because she made Adam’s banana stand)!<

KeithMyArthe@reddit

There's always money in the banana stand

SqueakyTuna52@reddit

I burned down the banana stand

14high@reddit

Her?

Jokeminder42@reddit

These beauties will make your banana stand! (And don't worry... they've been nowhere near the bananas.)

Willing_Rock_4657@reddit

I thought you were going to say “the last time I heard this, I was doing a check up on a velociraptor!”

definethatplz@reddit

I knew the one with 4 nuns. St Peter asks the first: "Have you ever been had contact with a man's genitals?" She answers, "Yes, I saw a man bathe once before I took my vows to God." St Peter answers, "Wash your face in the holy water and you may pass the Gates." He repeats the question to the second. She replies: "Yes, I touched one three times." St Peter answers, "Wash your hands three times in the holy water and you may pass the Gates." He turns to the third, but she is pushed aside by the fourth, who is shouting. "If I'm going to have to gargle that water, I'm sure doing it before Sister Beatrice spends ages with her ass in it!"

OperationNervous1964@reddit

hehehe. Thanks!

sub4evr@reddit

I just watched Community Spirit, the 1994 episode of The Vicar of Dibley that featured this joke in the scene at the end

Randyeshow@reddit

I don’t know about y’all, but I saw that cumming a mile away

BabyNarad@reddit

Well, it is not that hard.

Tctrojan1@reddit

Stand back, I don't know how big this thing is going to get.

arslan70@reddit

Disappointment all around.

Teated_Corpse@reddit

Funny joke but Lilith was Adams first wife.

IchBinEinDickerchen@reddit

Lilith as Adam’s first wife was written as a joke in a satirical book and has no actual presence as a named character in Jewish/Biblical canon. The lilitu mentioned in the Bible and having origins in Sumerian/Babylonian legends refers to winged, murderous demons and not one character.

Excellent_Condition@reddit

I though Lilith was part of Jewish folklore, but isn't actually mentioned in the Bible.

Yes true. The bible is heavily edited from various religions. It would make sense they didn’t want people to know the first wife was created imperfect.

It's not at all my field, but my understanding is that the Bible is remarkably well translated and transcribed, as ancient texts like the Dead Sea Scrolls match up very well to current texts. As for Lilth, [at least according to the Wikipedia page](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lilith), references to her don't appear until around 500 AD. To me it sounds like folklore that sprung up, rather that something that was edited out.

Should have read more of the article. Samuel Noah Kramer (1932, published 1938)[29] translated ki-sikil-lil-la-ke as "Lilith" in Tablet XII of the Epic of Gilgamesh dated c. 600 BC. Tablet XII is not part of the Epic of Gilgamesh, but is a later Assyrian Akkadian translation of the latter part of the Sumerian Epic of Gilgamesh.[30] The ki-sikil-lil-la-ke is associated with a serpent and a zu bird.

wash_yo_azz@reddit

Four nuns arrive at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter is there to meet them with a bowl of Holy Water. St. Peter goes up to the first nun and says, "Have you ever touched a penis?" The first nun responds, "Yes I have. I have touched a penis with the tip of my finger." St. Peter holds out the bowl and says, "Dip your finger in this Holy Water, and be free to enter the Kingdom of Heaven." The first nun gladly follows the instruction and proceeds to enter Heaven. St. Peter goes to the second nun and again asks, "Have you ever touched a penis?" The second nun replies hesitantly, "Yes. I have touched a penis with my whole hand." St. Peter smiles and says, "Do not despair, simply dip your whole hand into the Holy Water and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." The second nun quickly does as she is told and gladly steps forth into Heaven. At this point the fourth nun cuts in front of the third nun and says, "Listen, I better go next because I'm not gurgling that after she sticks her ass in it."

Acrobatic_Matter_109@reddit

Our Father, Who Fart in Heaven...

OpeningRush4035@reddit

Amen to that 🤣🤣

when_the_fox_wins@reddit

Good ole #25

uwannagoforajump69@reddit

What union was Jesus in Fishers of men and allied workers

I know where the door is .I will let myself out

1009naturelover@reddit

The nuns made my Sunday.

def-jam@reddit

The young nun was crying uncontrollably and was sent to see the Mother Superior. What seems to be the trouble my child? Father O’Donnel has died so I can’t get into heaven!! What do you mean, my child? Said the Mother Superior Father o’Dobnel was giving me the Key to the Kingdom! And now that’s he’s dead I won’t get the key any more What do you mean, my child ? The young nun goes on to describe how Fr O’Donnel would come to her room and they would engage in sexual interest course The whole time the Mother Superior is going from bemused to irritated to angry to incensed and she finally explodes!! “FATHER O’Donnel THAT LYING BASTARD. He told me it was Gabriel’s Trumpet and I’ve been blowing in for years!!”

Cocomorph@reddit

> sexual interest course I too would like to audit.

articland05_reddit@reddit

Three nuns die in a car crash and find themselves at the pearly gates, waiting to speak with St. Peter. St. Peter greets them warmly and says, "Before you can enter heaven, you each need to answer one simple question about a sin you may have committed during your life." Turning to the first nun, he asks, "Sister Maria, have you ever touched a man's private parts?" She blushes deeply and replies, "Well... once. I accidentally brushed against one while giving him the last rites." "Okay," says St. Peter, "just dip your hand in this holy water and you'll be clean." He then asks the second nun, "Sister Catherine, have you ever touched a man's private parts?" She looks down and says, "I must admit... I once held one to help a man who was injured in a fall." "No problem," says St. Peter, "dip your hand in the holy water and you'll be forgiven." Now he turns to the third nun, Sister Bernadette. "Sister Bernadette, have you ever touched a man's private parts?" She stands up straight and says firmly, "Yes, I have. I've shaken it many times!" St. Peter's eyes widen in surprise. "Shaken it many times?! Well then, you need to go over to that holy water fountain and wash your mouth out immediately!"

TwillAffirmer@reddit

I don't get it.

warm_kitchenette@reddit

The joke implies she was masturbating him off, directly into her mouth.

nb6635@reddit

It’s OK if you don’t, there are other ways.

NoJudge2551@reddit

I've read this joke on this subreddit at least 4-5 other times almost verbatim too.......

comedygliss@reddit

That's Nun-ya business!

theblaggard@reddit

I, too, saw The Vicar of Dibley in the mid nineties https://youtu.be/3RRbRfvqZN4?si=lSF9ubk7Tegxw2zN

BC1966@reddit

First this told by Bette Midler 50 years ago

TheFrebbin@reddit

I’m sorry to be That Guy but please change the last line to “Excellent! You may also enter!” The idea is that the listener realizes it’s what she said.

Jewsader76@reddit

Technically, Lilith was the first woman. They didn't know the lore

Portland_st@reddit (OP)

The story of Lilith as Adam's first wife, who left him and became a demon, originated in the Alphabet of Ben Sira, a text believed to have been written between 1000 and 1300 A.D., thousands of years after the Book of Genesis. [Scholars generally view this text as satire.](https://apologeticspress.org/lilith-the-first-wife-of-adam-1220/#:~:text=When%20the%20Lilith%20legend%20is,claim%20cannot%20be%20reasonably%20maintained)

JazzRider@reddit

And he said “Madam I’m Adam.”

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