Guy’s got the whole getup; eyepatch, peg-leg, hook hand - the whole nine yards.

After a few shots of liquid courage he finally strikes up a conversation. “S’cuse me, but if I buy you a drink, will you tell me how you lost your leg?”

“Oh ay!” The pirate responds in a classic piratey accent. “We was on the high seas when a storm rolls in outta nowhere. Well, as I’m trying to batten down the hatches, a great wave comes and sweeps me overboard! Luckily, I’m able to take a deep gulp of breath because the next thing I know, me leg is stuck in the jaws of a giant clam at the bottom of the drink! I tell ya matey, if that shark hadn’t come around and bit me leg off, I would have drowned for sure.”

The man was flabbergasted and realized another story was well worth another drink, so he asked how the old sea-dog had lost his hand.

“I tell ye son, never try to steal another pirate’s booty!” The pirate slammed his hook, its point gleaming, onto the bar. “Some water-rat thought to take on me crew and we got into a right sea battle that lasted nearly a fortnight. One day, I was raising me musket over the starboard side of the ship to shoot at the devils, when a cannonball flew right through me hand, taking it and my musket to the briny deep. We won the day, but I lost me hand.”

The man was stunned at the thought of the life this pirate must have lived. He decided he had to know about his eye and so bought yet another drink for the old man, who seemed immune to the liquor.

“Oh, me eye,” he said, looking at the rum in his glass. “Well, we was just about to dock at a remote island, and as we were getting ready to cast anchor, I hear a noise from above. I peer upwards, but the sun is right in me eyes, so I don’t see…” here, the grizzled old man paused.

“Yes?”

“I didn’t see the damned seagull. Pooped right in me eye.”

The man was a bit disappointed after the other two stories and, perhaps because he had been keeping pace with the pirate’s drinks, said aloud, “Wait, you lost your eye because some bird pooped in it?!?”

“Well,” the pirate conceded, “it was me first day with the hook.”