A man in California bumped into and recognized God at the beach. God says, "promise never to tell anyone I was here and I'll grant you one miracle."
Posted by ReasonableGator@reddit | Jokes | View on Reddit | 152 comments
Man says, "I want gasoline under $3.00 per gallon."
God, "that's beyond me, do you have a different request?"
Man, " I want women to find me irresistible."
God, "is $3.00 with a loyalty card or branded credit card okay?"
tsereg@reddit
Better version is the one is with a genie and a highway to Hawaii. How many lanes?
Automatic-Seesaw3144@reddit
Bridge to Hawaii
Terrik1337@reddit
Also, I'd prefer if the problem wasn't God's power, but how obvious it would be.
A man finds God at the beach. God says, "If you don't tell anyone, I'll grant you one miracle."
The man says, "I want a highway to Hawaii."
God says, "Geez. That's a huge change. Do you have anything else? Preferably something where it wouldn't be obvious I was involved?"
The man says, "Can you make me attractive to women?"
God says, "How many lanes would you like that highway?"
Reidar666@reddit
I've heard it as a genie and then wish for world peace, a beer (in a muslim country), and lastly becoming a native of a neighboring city (as in poking fun at local city rivalries). When he makes the last wish, the genie brings out a beer and a world map, and says: "Ok, let's take a stab at this"
AvengingBlowfish@reddit
I live in Hawaii, we don’t have an Interstate Highway… we have THREE of them.
ianishomer@reddit
Or the one where he asks for a dragon, god says no can do, so he says OK, Manchester United to win the Premier League again (insert any shit team/competition) and god says, what colour do you want your dragon.
Limp-Insurance203@reddit
That one ceased to be funny when AOC declared that we were gonna build a bridge to Hawaii to eliminate air travel
checker280@reddit
I liked the version where the man pleads “to someone as great as you a million dollars is barely a penny. God, give me a penny.” Then god replies “sure, just wait a second”
karmagirl314@reddit
Ugh, our preacher used to tell us that one in church when I was a kid.
Rude_E_Huxtable@reddit
Can you explain this version? I don't understand
TheDevilsAdvokaat@reddit
If a billion dollars is like a cent, a second is like a billion years
Appropriate-Buddy-36@reddit
Yeah, you effed this one up my friend The man said unto the Lord. Lord I’m your Devine wisdom how much is one million dollars?? and the Lord said ‘it is but a penny’ Then the man said, ‘dear Lord, how much time is 1 million years?’ And the Lord said it is about a second. So then, the man said dear Lord, may I please borrow a penny.
And the Lord said ‘no problem, just a second’
IcyPyromancer@reddit
Wouldn't the man ask to borrow/have a million dollars? Why would he ask about it and then instead ask for a penny? The butt of the joke is that the two things are equivalent but it's counter if the guy in the joke understands that.
sexwiththebabysitter@reddit
Divine
TheDevilsAdvokaat@reddit
I think you might be a bit confused.
Yada-yada-4488@reddit
Don’t be hasty, give ‘em a second.
TheDevilsAdvokaat@reddit
lol yes.
hux@reddit
The person you replied to isn’t the one that told the joke, they just explained it.
OrangeySnicket@reddit
God has a bad sense for orders of magnitude. A billion dollars is worth a penny, or a 100 billion times difference. Presumably, then, a second is actually 100 billion seconds, or 3171 years.
Yada-yada-4488@reddit
Not in tit-mouse years.
DoFr56@reddit
Well, he does not have much longer to wait, does he?
themarko60@reddit
I don’t remember the whole joke but earlier in the joke God tells the man that a million years for God is as a second to the man. So it’s going to be a million years before he gets the money.
vastlysuperiorman@reddit
They say a day in God's time is as a thousand years. I think they're implying that you would have to wait a long time. If taken literally, a second would be just over 4 days, but perhaps they're implying simply that God does things in his own time.
lincoln_muadib@reddit
Then when the collection plate comes round, suddenly the preacher doesn't like the joke...
OldElvis1@reddit
Peace in the Middle East
piper63-c137@reddit
number 127,a and b!
Iambeejsmit@reddit
The genie from alladin
Known-Ad-1556@reddit
I like the version with “what colour dragon would you like”
I think that’s Santa though…
BioletVeauregarde33@reddit
That's the one I was thinking of!
infectiousloser@reddit
Came here to say this. :D
bufi77@reddit
And he wanted to understand women. Why they say no, when they mean yes and vice versa.
Old-Chocolate-5830@reddit
That was mine, wow, you remembered it and referenced it in this post.
ReasonableGator@reddit (OP)
Agreed but the mods removed it from r/Jokes as Misogynistic. Thought I'd try a neutral version
roots-rock-reggae@reddit
How is this any less misogynistic?
billiam7787@reddit
Explain what's misogynistic about this one.
The joke here is the dude is butt ugly
PaperVreter@reddit
Maybe the mods think they are ugly?
Let us see if they remove this for mysogeny. 😎
roots-rock-reggae@reddit
Well I agree, but that's equivalently true of the punch line being about a highway to Hawaii. It's the setup, not the punch line that's apparently the issue.
jarheadatheart@reddit
Because he’s ugly.
jarheadatheart@reddit
Yeah the mods are out of control with their anti misogynistic crusade.
tsereg@reddit
Unbelievable.
Liraeyn@reddit
Or for two countries to stop fighting
andres_valle@reddit
Is Eastern Island here :D
rollduptrips@reddit
Gilbert Gottfried had a version with a blowjob and peace in the Middle East.
tsereg@reddit
I am not surprised. 😄
Vadersith514@reddit
You want gas under $3? Move to St. Louis. A few cents under $3 is still under $3! 😂
thebarkbarkwoof@reddit
Isn't had 1.99 a gallon? That's a joke?
TnBluesman@reddit
Not in California. He'll, here in Georgia it runs from $2.69 to $3.49.
thebarkbarkwoof@reddit
You don't have sarcasm out your way?
TnBluesman@reddit
I see no /s to indicate sarcasm.
What? They don't have netequite out your way?
thebarkbarkwoof@reddit
Everyone here knows the moldy orange claimed that gas was at 1.99 per gallon.
BoogerManCommaThe@reddit
A man bumped into God at the Reddit offices. God says, “promise never to tell anyone I was here and I’ll grant you one miracle.”
Man says, “I want to never see one of these ‘man bumped into god’ posts again.”
God, “that’s beyond me, do you have a different request?”
Man, “I want every redditor to shower at least once a week.”
God, “so would banning all joke subs work for you or should I do a better auto moderator?”
ReasonableGator@reddit (OP)
Just for you BMan, I posted a 'man bumps into Satan' joke. 😃
ReasonableGator@reddit (OP)
Nicely played Booger
Apprehensive-Bus5526@reddit
Nicely placed booger
Flimsy_Shape9406@reddit
Yeah, he sure knows how to pick ‘em
BioletVeauregarde33@reddit
I always heard this with a kid asking Santa for a pet dragon... And then for... something I forget. Either way, it did end with Santa asking the kid, "What color dragon do you want?"
ReasonableGator@reddit (OP)
There's still a Christmas card with that.
SfcHayes1973@reddit
My fave of this type and the genie being asked to build a road to Hawaii vs being able to understand women and being asked if they wanted as 2 lanes or 4
ReasonableGator@reddit (OP)
That was my original post but the mods pulled it because it is mysingony to wish to understand women.
JohnP112358@reddit
All God had to do for the "under $3 gas" is send the man to most any other state east of the Rocky Mtns.
Make_the_music_stop@reddit
I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy. Well now that I’m older I don’t fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.
Atlas_Summit@reddit
?
backfire10z@reddit
It’s a joke about believing in a fantastical entity.
Atlas_Summit@reddit
Ohhhh. I get it now.
Thank god is used so often as an expression it’s hard to tell who actually means it.
Wolfmark1@reddit
Yeah, it's a play on words for sure. The whole joke plays with how casually we use 'thank God' in everyday language. Makes you think about belief and how it shapes our understanding of reality!
frenat@reddit
Under $3 a gallon in Indiana today.
aiksd@reddit
In Iowa too.
enigmumxx@reddit
Same in Ohio
watergod0187@reddit
I would request the ability to touch water and turn it into wine, that is perfect for every occasion or food pairing. Who cares about fuel prices if you have near limitless resources.
GreenHorror4252@reddit
What a stupid joke. Everyone knows that Californians only drive EVs.
Suspicious-Rip-7385@reddit
I like the version where first he pulls out a map and asks for peace in the Middle East, then asks a blowjob from his wife. Genie: can I see that map again?
Mekroval@reddit
I like the old version where instead of the blowjob the guy asks for the Cubs to finally win the World Series (the joke was funnier before they actually won it).
TheAncient1sAnd0s@reddit
God would not sanction the use of credit.
You know what The Bible says about credit cards.
stain57@reddit
Nothing, because they didn't exist yet.
fred1090@reddit
"Be neither a borrower nor a lender." Wasn't directly about credit cards but the message is pretty clear.
Responsible-Data4635@reddit
Shakespeare said that in Hamlet
NacogdochesTom@reddit
90% of what people claim is in the bible is half-remembered phrases from Shakespeare or Hallmark cards.
sistemu@reddit
And 73% of all percentages on the Internet are made up on the spot.
Slowhand333@reddit
92% of people agree with that and 28% disagree.
hello_raleigh-durham@reddit
There’s three types of people: those who can count, and those who can’t.
BioletVeauregarde33@reddit
3 out of every 2 people struggle with fractions!
Spiritual_Lynx1929@reddit
Over 80% of bears are mammals
Twinmakerx2@reddit
This is 100% true.
Actual_Body_4409@reddit
Didn’t Ben Franklin say it too?
ManufacturerSharp@reddit
Nah it was Oscar Wilde
Keianh@reddit
Light switches didn't exist either but there are plenty of Hasidic Jews (or all, not Jewish) who regard what the Torah says about making a fire on the Sabbath and translate that to conventional light switches, so a workaround was created and Kosher light switches exist.
Jakeflake42@reddit
Circumcised, light switches???
Known-Ad-1556@reddit
There’s all kinds of loophole inventions to get around pesky commandments from God.
There are Sharia Law compliant credit cards where you can borrow money at 0% interest in exchange for an upfront fee to have the card.
whyamihere999@reddit
So God had no plans of creating them in future as well??
alang@reddit
Hate ta tell ya bub but credit cards are tools of the devil.
No_Frost_Giants@reddit
So it’s cool. God creates devil, devil creates credit cards. By the transitive nature of mythological beings, god created credit cards
Pip_install_reddit@reddit
Humans created god. God created the devil. The devil created credit cards . Ergo humans created credit cards.
Checkmate
No_Frost_Giants@reddit
Sigh. Bows head in defeat
stain57@reddit
No golden fiddle for you.
ChargerIIC@reddit
Do not take advantage of a fellow Israelite in your business dealings. Do not lend him money at interest or sell him food for profit. You must fear the Lord and so live that your brother may live among you.
Fun Fact: many medieval Christians would cheat this proscription by borrowing and lending to and from the Jewish people amongst them. It came with the added benefit for medieval lords that you could always kill the bankers and liquidate your debt with a little mass murder.
kanemano@reddit
S&M days at the temple?
Monkeyshades@reddit
It's always nice to see myself in the joke
parkerbelgium@reddit
I want the ability to wish for more wishes and have it work
Effective-Visual-995@reddit
What if god was one us. Just a slob like one of us.
Just a stranger on the bus.
Tryna make his way home.
ReasonableGator@reddit (OP)
I'd let him have my seat and stand.
Peter_NL@reddit
Man: I want women to find me irresistible.
God: Done
ReasonableGator@reddit (OP)
Remember the guy who wanted to be white, in tight with the ladies, and out of sight? Made him into a tampon
OkHuckleberry4878@reddit
King Charles? He deserves worse
theskirrid@reddit
+1 for the reference. Nice.
Escudo777@reddit
My wife hates chocolate.
ChildhoodOk8873@reddit
Well, he didn't say all women.
dennyitlo@reddit
Sorry that one sucks. If we need this many comments to try and explain this dumb joke just forget the whole thing,.
Drim7nasa@reddit
No shit, they will need a new layer in hell to house that behemoth
Bjmartin21@reddit
l
LordCouchCat@reddit
This is a great recyclable joke. Here's a version from 1990s South Africa.
An angel appears to Nelson Mandela and says, "God is so pleased with your success in peaceful transition that you are granted one wish! Anything!"
"Ah," says President Mandela. "I want South Africa to be the most wonderful, paradisial place. I want the streams to flow with milk and honey. I want boerewors to grow on trees. I want birds to sing Mozart. I want pleasant sunshine and mild sufficient rain. I want rainbows in the sky, and all South Africans to grow wings and fly!"
The angel looks embarrassed. "I'm sorry, Madiba," he says, "I should have explained I'm not allowed to do obvious miracles. It has to be plausible deniability, you know."
"Oh I see," says Mandela. "Well, then, I want South Africa to have the world's lowest crime rate."
The angel rubs his chin, "Hey, Madiba - run that idea about the wings past me again?"
ArtNengg-JKP155@reddit
That a man recognized God is a joke enough for me.
Dothehokeypokemon@reddit
First of all, with God all things are possible. So jot that down.
Blankety-blank1492@reddit
and he needs bribed with prayer and praise for those possibilities
Church_of_Aaargh@reddit
What are the prayers for, if he is all-knowing. Just to make you beg?
LuckyVic87@reddit
As a parent I find more joy in helping my kids when they are grateful - no begging required, unless I don’t think the request is tied to a good outcome (think 2 year old and a knife - scale for age appropriateness). Maybe it’s because I’m not perfectly whole…
As for all knowing, it takes a certain belief and trust that what you get is what’s best for you - again 2 year old and knife, but also add that a coach helps you become your best version of you and coaching is sometimes like medicine, it doesn’t taste good but makes you better.
_-trees-_@reddit
They are for communicating. Just like any healthy relationship. You don't wanna talk to God, that's fine. He'll wait.
Church_of_Aaargh@reddit
Oh … I don’t mind talking - so many questions ;)
LuckyVic87@reddit
Name checks out.
CptHammer_@reddit
Right?
I'm a Christian because I believe in Jesus, not because I believe in various traditions.
It's my opinion praying was for asking forgiveness which is just apologizing, and gratitude for whatever is provided. I think that's all it's for.
The big G already knows if I'm grateful or regretful. It's just practice when telling him so in private for when I have to tell someone else in public.
Be thankful and apologize for your transgressions is pretty useful magic.
LuckyVic87@reddit
You obviously don’t have kids
italjersguy@reddit
And money.
bigexplosion@reddit
Mac is my least favorite character but has all of my favorite lines.
Dothehokeypokemon@reddit
Shut up bird!
bigexplosion@reddit
Move past it.
zaahc@reddit
Kneel? I gotta kneel again? This is a scam! This is a scam, ok, all of this kneeling and standing and getting people all confused!
broodfood@reddit
Buncha savages in this sub
Bitter-Condition9591@reddit
*some restrictions apply.
bigedthebad@reddit
I don’t get it.
artistandattorney@reddit
Gas is already below $3 where i live. It never lasts more than a week before it jumps up again, but it happens.
QuinceDaPence@reddit
Gas has been below $3 for at least most of the summer, I think.
Last night I got it for like $2.45 or less, and that wasn't some crazy deal.
elegantwino@reddit
Level of how funny this joke is depends on the current price of gas. ⛽️
phiiota@reddit
God could have easily granted his wish by giving him a billion dollars or…….
cwthree@reddit
That would just make it easier for him to buy gas at whatever price. It wouldn't actually lower the price.
kompootor@reddit
Sorry, I don't get it. Is it a California joke?
Mysterious-Tie7039@reddit
This joke is also seen as guy wanting a bridge between California and Hawaii. The genie says that’s impossible, pick something else. Dude responds with “Make there be peace in the Middle East.” Genie thinks for a second and asks, “Do you want that bridge with two lanes or four?”
Point of the joke is that God is presented with something they claim is impossible (gas under $3). They ask for something else which is then deemed even more impossible, so they come back with questions on how they want the first one executed (need a discount card or just regular credit card).
fuzzbox000@reddit
This is the version I've always heard. I guess it's just more controversial to tell it this way now.
ps2cho@reddit
He couldn’t give you the miracle of intelligence either.
kompootor@reddit
I'm asking for help, dude. I legit don't get it. Maybe it's because I'm missing intelligence, but I'm thinking it's usually more likely that I'm missing some cultural context (given how jokes work).
Khaos_52@reddit
Because it is a myth that women's minds are difficult to fathom and to convince otherwise, so it's easier for God to bring down the price of gasoline. Which would appear to be impossible to lower gasoline prices.
irredentistdecency@reddit
Understanding the mind of women is as easy as explaining what color the letter 7 tastes like…
HugoPeabody@reddit
The joke is that God at first said there's no way he can make gasoline under $3.00 a gallon. But the backup request, making the guy irresistible to women, was even more impossible. So God countered with $3.00 a gallon if the guy used either a loyalty card or a branded credit card that would lower the price, indicating that was the best he could do. Even God has limits.
Mbyrd420@reddit
The joke is that it's easier to bring gas prices down than it is to understand women.
The way i heard the joke was the guy was afraid of flying and boats, so he asked for a highway from California to Hawaii first, then asked about women and God said "would you like that 2 lanes or 4?"
WhatIDon_tKnow@reddit
It isn't about understanding women, the guy is to ugly for God to make him irresistible
berserk539@reddit
Gas in CA is generally higher than the national average. So getting it under $3 is not going to happen—but it's more likely than OP being irresistible to women.
oneplusetoipi@reddit
Or the miracle of a funny joke.
Pun_In_Ten_Did@reddit
San Diego here .. gas starts at $5.49 per gallon and goes up from there.
maxburke@reddit
So god lied?
ReasonableGator@reddit (OP)
Maybe, see Dothehokeypokemon reply
First of all, with God all things are possible. So jot that down.
kompootor@reddit
So do we have to have seen the TV show to get the context of the joke? The show's been on for like 16 years, so while many people have seen it they may not have watched every episode.
ReasonableGator@reddit (OP)
Which show?
melenajade@reddit
Only a Californian would think God can’t bring gas prices down. He doesn’t because that would give Newsom credit. 🙃
Healthy_Ladder_6198@reddit
Grin