Dolly Parton vs The Queen

Posted by Randyeshow@reddit | Jokes | View on Reddit | 40 comments

So Dolly Parton dies, and due to some strange relativistic effect of her faster-than-light trip to heaven, finds herself arriving at the Pearly Gates at exactly the same time as Queen Elizabeth II.

St. Peter greets them both with enthusiasm, and goes on and on about the honor of receiving two such great people simultaneously, “…which makes what I have to tell you very difficult and…awkward.”

“What’s the matter?” asks Dolly. “Yes, please speak plainly, St. Peter.” insists the Queen. “As the head of The Church of England, I believe I’ve earned the right to demand that you come to the point.”

“Well.” continues St. Peter, “ I’m afraid Heaven is very full at the moment, and can only accept one of you.

“Oh dear!” exclaims Dolly.

“How shall we settle this matter?” asks the Queen, demonstrating her trademark pragmatism.

St. Peter explains quickly so as to expedite the process for his two impatient clients: “Each of you must present your most treasured asset. Whoever’s is of the greatest value will be granted entry into Heaven. Dolly, we’ll start with you.”

Without hesitation, Dolly unzips her top. St. Peter watches in awe as her two perfect breasts tumble forth and land with a “thump-thump” sound on the marble table that stands before him. “Oh my, those are very lovely indeed! Well Your Majesty, I’m afraid it’s going to be difficult to follow that, but please proceed.”

Seemingly undiscouraged, the Queen thinks for a moment, open her handbag, reaches in, pulls out an old douchebag. Peter, stunned, praises the monarch, saying, “Congratulations Your Majesty! Well played! You have earned the last spot in Heaven!”

Dolly Parton is both angry and confused. “Wait a second, Peter! I show these two, big, beautiful breasts, and she ain’t got nothin’ but a used feminine hygiene product. What gives?”

St. Peter chuckles at Dolly’s naivety and answers, “Don’t you know the rules? A Royal Flush beats a pair!”

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Eichmil@reddit

A chemistry student was asked to explain if heaven or hell exists on a test...

The question was: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities.

If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Theresa during my freshman year that "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and we take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Theresa kept shouting, "Oh my God."

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ShadowExistShadily@reddit

The version I know ends with

If we accept the postulate given to me by Theresa during freshman year and the fact that I have not yet succeeded in having successful relations with her ...

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deliverance73@reddit

Yes, that’s the original I heard, and more likely given the suitor was a chemistry student.

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Kuddel_Daddeldu@reddit

Several chemistry students I knew at uni were quite adept at synthesizing... interesting... products, or so they claimed.

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piper63-c137@reddit

i remember this one from 1987, posted in the Dal Gazette. Ending was slightly different. Nice to see this reposted.

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fearthecookie@reddit

Side note- Hell freezes every year, and it gets snow. It's located in Michigan. Its almost "Hell Freezes Over" Season

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Vree65@reddit

Can you stop adding the last paragraph

A guy reposted this just last week with the same alteration, which was not part of the original anecdote, it's weak and it ruins the punchline

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AvengingBlowfish@reddit

The last paragraph should be considered a second joke that is only added after the first punchline has been fully absorbed.

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Luxodad@reddit

Your joke is like what most brands of washing powder claim regularly - new and improved. I like your alternate ending.

ConsciousRoyal@reddit

When the Queen visited my home town, she would wear a hat made of fox fur. Apparently the first time she said she was visiting Burnham, Prince Philip said “Wear the fox hat.”

juleslightning24@reddit

Burnham-on-Sea in Somerset? I was born there

Wow! Yes. I left it vague as it could be one of the other Burnhams. But yes. B-o-S.

SpongeJake@reddit

At least 19 people got your joke so I’m feel rather stupid because I don’t.

Wowza-yowza@reddit

I still don't get it?

Prince Phillip says “where’s the fuck’s that?” And the Queen thinks he says “wear the fox hat”

So she always wears a fox hat.

If you can do the royal family clenched teeth type of accent it makes more sense.

Thank you good Sir! Made me chuckle now!

_Nighting@reddit

"Where the fuck's that?"

checker280@reddit

It’s too early in the am with caffeine. Spent too long saying “WTF that?” out loud before it hit.

It reminds me of a similar one where a farmer grows some giant blue berries. He calls up Guinness Book. After he catches the assessors stealing his blue berries the explain:

We came to seize your berries. Not appraise them.

(This joke kills on the Latin Academia set. Your corner bar? Not so much.)

Okay, that's fantastic, telling that to all my classics friends.

Interesting_Bowl_289@reddit

Outstanding

Thank you!

LordCouchCat@reddit

By the way, small technical point. The British monarch is not the head of the Church of England but the "Supreme Governor". I'm mainly mentioning this because it might sound even better in the joke.

Henry VIII claimed the title of head of the Church of England, but Elizabeth I, trying for a compromise of maximum acceptability, went for Supreme Governor meaning she was going to have control of things but did not claim any spiritual authority herself.

The Archbishop of Canterbury is the spiritual leader, but not technically the head.

There's a story that when a former monarch died, a leading figure of another church wrote to a bishop expressing condolences on the death of "the head of your church". The bishop replied "Thanks, but cheer up, he rose again on the third day."

Malnurtured_Snay@reddit

Joke makes no sense. Dolly Parton's most valuable assets are her compassion, kindness, and charitable conduct.

(I know, boobs ...)

Dolly Parton was a common example of big boobs throughout the 70s, 80s, and 90s before she became more known for her charitable works.

It’s just an extremely dated reference.

Srikandi715@reddit

Wasn't she known just a little bit for her music? 😛

Curmudgeonly_Old_Guy@reddit

No one listened to Dolly Parton's music, least of all Jolene.

Yes, I'm aware! (Which is why I acknowledged boobs at the end of my comment).

Justin_Passing_7465@reddit

If it had to be a physical object, I like to think that it would be one of the 270-million books that Dolly Parton's charity has gifted to children.

Wizardlord4444@reddit

last i heard this joke the queen was still alive

BioletVeauregarde33@reddit

When I first heard this joke the Queen was using the toilet, not a "douchebag", whatever that is. To me a "douchebag" is just an insult.

Randyeshow@reddit (OP)

Yeah, it’s totally the wrong term, but this was the word used when this joke was first told to me, so I kept it. Toilet probably makes more sense, but not as practical, given the situation