[-]

Granite66@reddit

Lesbian in a pub bets a table of men $100 she can pee higher on a wall then they can unassisted The men seeing an easy $100 agree.

Walking outside the pub and into the alleyway, the lesbian drops her pants, bends over.so her face is almost touching the ground and pees on the pub wall leaving her mark waist height upon the wall. Smiling she straightens up and pulls up her pants, and with a smile walks over to the men and says, "Your turn."

So the first bloke canters up to the wall, unzips his fly and pulls out his penis and holds it so it is pointing at a higher place on the wall before he hears the lesbian call out, "Sorry, did you not hear? Unassisted I said."

[-]

dontbelikeyou@reddit

A British couple decided to adopt a German baby. They raised him for years, however they began to get worried because he never spoke, and they believed that he was mentally handicapped, going as far as to take him to therapy, which was fruitless. Then, when the child was 8 years old, he had a pastry, and said "It is a little tepid."

His parents, of course shocked that he was suddenly speaking, asked: "Wolfgang, why have you never spoken before?", to which the child replied: "Up until now, everything had been satisfactory."

[-]

zeros-and-1s@reddit

The best telling of this joke that will ever exist

[-]

DonnerDinnerParty@reddit

“As a german I can confirm this is our only joke. It is a good, efficient jokes. It sets up an expectation and then surprises with a punchline. After telling the punchline the humor has been executed and the humor receivers are doing the laughing, this is perfectly reasonable and works. Therefore a second joke is unnecessary.” @flibflob2785

[-]

nvveteran@reddit

I heard the shortest book in the world was the German Book of Humor. It sits right next to the Newfoundland book of knowledge and Lesbians I've met while Yachting.

[-]

gangsterkhann@reddit

I'm from Newfoundland and never heard this before 😂😂

[-]

nvveteran@reddit

I bet you have all the best Newfie jokes 😅😅

[-]

Big_Bri_Guzzi@reddit

Do you know how the first Newfie arrived in Montreal?

They were playing hockey on the St Lawrence and he got a breakaway.

[-]

nvveteran@reddit

😅😅

Do you know how Newfoundland was formed.

It was the Cape Bretoners throwing rocks at seagulls.

Do you know how the Newfies got there?

They didn't let go of the rocks.

😅

[-]

GaryG7@reddit

I haven't heard of those books. I bet they are kept with Winning Italian Military Strategy and Fine British Cooking.

[-]

nvveteran@reddit

😅😅

Yes those live on the shelf right below, along with Advancements in British Dentistry Volumes 1 thru 9.

[-]

RaisedByBooksNTV@reddit

Is that a stereotype that there's no lesbians in yachting? That might explain why I rarely run into queer ladies, and the queer sailors are mostly guys.

[-]

nvveteran@reddit

That part of the joke is actually based on personal experience rather than any known stereotype. I've run into boats full of gay dudes but not lesbians.

I forgot the other short book on that shelf... Italian War Heroes 😅

[-]

evergreen-spacecat@reddit

If the joke is satisfactory, why speak out about it?

[-]

SconeBracket@reddit

Don't mention the war!

[-]

Quadling@reddit

Oh my god. Faulty towers reference in the wild!!! Hugs!!

[-]

inconspiciousdude@reddit

The first one was unsatisfactory.

[-]

SconeBracket@reddit

Good one.

[-]

jcnlb@reddit

No it really wasn’t. Didn’t you hear, it was unsatisfactory.

[-]

SconeBracket@reddit

This is tepid and unsatisfactory.

[-]

lidlekitty_tweezler@reddit

🤣

[-]

helmvoncanzis@reddit

This is, of course, untrue. There is also the joke about the two hunters.

[-]

entirelyintrigued@reddit

I absolutely knew it was the qi committee telling with Henning as the German baby and I clicked with great alacrity. Delightful as always.

[-]

sdforbda@reddit

alacrity

Thanks for adding a word to my lexicon.

[-]

pillowmite@reddit

Epicaricacy, another word you should know.

[-]

AUSinCH@reddit

A fine word that should be used more often. I've no idea why most English speakers seem to prefer the much less elegant Schadenfreude.

[-]

gebirgsdonner@reddit

Because happiness of the misfortune of others is German. Gary Coleman said so.

[-]

sdforbda@reddit

Oooooh, thank youuuuuu!

[-]

Whats_Up4444@reddit

Boots of alacrity

[-]

Money4Nothing2000@reddit

The Bottle Opener Of Alacrity is what I use.

[-]

Allu_Squattinen@reddit

Literally the first and until today the only time I saw this used was in Baldur's Gate 2

[-]

jessicalypso1692@reddit

Thanks for adding two

[-]

sleepysnoozyzz@reddit

Better celerity than torpidity I always say.

[-]

FreoGuy@reddit

One might almost say it was… satisfactory.

[-]

XanZibR@reddit

but was it with alacrity and dispatch??

[-]

LosLocoDK@reddit

Oh my god, I miss Fry hosting Qi.

Funny it should be a clip with Toksvig as a guest, that reminded me just how different it felt with Fry hosting.

[-]

not4always@reddit

I love them both!!

[-]

LosLocoDK@reddit

Oh don’t get me wrong, even though I see how my reply could give the wrong impression.

I really like Toksvig (I am from Denmark, after all ;-) ).

I just think the program has changed tone quite a bit since changing hosts. There is a lot more off topic chatter now and then Toksvig gives the right answer, where Fry would steer the conversation more towards the actual questions. It’s more “all over the place” now, I feel. But it’s not “worse” per se, just different :-)

[-]

Speshal__@reddit

We've been rewatching on the iplayer, up to letter P atm 🤣

[-]

GolbogTheDoom@reddit

I love the top comment on the video:

As a german I can confirm this is our only joke. It is a good, efficient jokes. It sets up an expectation and then surprises with a punchline. After telling the punchline the humor has been executed and the humor receivers are doing the laughing, this is perfectly reasonable and works. Therefore a second joke is unnecessary.

[-]

Caleb_Reynolds@reddit

I don't think I've ever seen a more perfect use of a buzzer sound on QI.

[-]

Aggravating-Depth836@reddit

There’s a Justin Wilson version of the joke that goes very close to this one. It’s a classic!

[-]

brutalanglosaxon@reddit

How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one. Because they are very efficient and have no sense of humour.

[-]

CrazyIcecap@reddit

We have, but german humour is a serious matter.

[-]

erublind@reddit

German humour is not a laughing matter!

[-]

dkelly77@reddit

I've heard before,still made me chuckle

[-]

Shreks-Ugly-Friend@reddit

Why are there no aspirins in the jungle?

Because the widespread distribution and marketing of pharmaceutical products in a largely unpopulated rainforest would be economically unviable.

[-]

King_Jeebus@reddit

Excuse my stupid, but I'm not sure I understand this?

[-]

Malrottian@reddit

The child didn't see any reason to say anything because he didn't have anything to complain about.

[-]

King_Jeebus@reddit

Thanks! So them being British and German didn't have any significance? And that it was such a mild complaint? It being a Pastry in particular doesn't matter?

[-]

iowaisflat@reddit

Well it’s a bit difficult for me to understand it in french.

[-]

Key_Charity9484@reddit

I got it immediately and I am American.

[-]

ThinkTheUnknown@reddit

I mean, it wasn’t in French.

[-]

jmlinden7@reddit

Germans are not very talkative, the joke is that the kid was simply choosing not to talk until he encountered a situation where talking was necessary (to ask for a warmer pastry)

[-]

bnenick@reddit

More so the fact that the child is German is the relevant fact here. There is a stereotype that Germans are very efficient and don’t mess about. Therefore, the child said he didn’t speak until then because basically everything was ok and there was no need to speak.

[-]

ChunkyCodLoins@reddit

It’s playing on the stereotype of Germans being perfunctory and efficient, even in their use of language.

[-]

notasthenameimplies@reddit

Do you not know any Germans?

[-]

King_Jeebus@reddit

No! Tbh I don't know many people at all, I'm a non-talkative cabin-in-the-woods sort :)

[-]

notasthenameimplies@reddit

It's hilarious for me. My inlaws are German.

[-]

Xavier_2346@reddit

That one always gets me, the punchline is so perfectly dry.

[-]

MissBandersnatch2U@reddit

I heard a version of this with a kid going to summer camp and after being silent for days finally asked someone to pass the salt

[-]

Practical-Load-4007@reddit

You can use this one everywhere. However, the dynamic tension is lacking. Change the time to 10 years between breaks. Expand on the responses to the requests every time. So:”They warmed the floors” and then “They fixed the food” It makes the hard left turn the Head Abbott makes more surprising when you consider the fact that the guy spent 30 years there, obviously not complaining. There. That should have sucked every last drop of funny out of the joke. Yes I know that’s how Lou Abbott spells his name. And his name was Bud. One of the best jokes ever.

[-]

Genidyne@reddit

Yes I sent you this. It’s funny

[-]

Whole-Diamond8550@reddit

Had a buddy who barely spoke for the first few years - to the point that his parents thought he might be special needs. His first sentence was - "This coffee cold, Mommy".

Yes, he's been complaining ever since. He's also an author with 5 fantasy novels published under a very prestigious publishing house.

[-]

BioletVeauregarde33@reddit

I remember when the punchline to that joke was "Up until now everything's been satisfactory."

[-]

fauxmerican1280@reddit

i've always found the punchline funnier if the elders swear. "You've been bitching ever since you got here."

[-]

Fetlocks_Glistening@reddit

The elders exceeded their quota of 2 words

[-]

Gil-Gandel@reddit

The restriction was on him. The elders are allowed to use their discretion.

[-]

Madkess@reddit

After 21 years, he is almost a elder himself…

[-]

Melleray@reddit

Only to someone your age. :-)

[-]

EmperorUmi@reddit

Wtf did you just say?! I’m gonna write an angry letter about this!

[-]

Melleray@reddit

Perfect!

[-]

TheSeldomShaken@reddit

Damn, you must be old.

[-]

Gil-Gandel@reddit

If I'd joined that monastery in my mid-forties, I'd be thinking about quitting next year. :D

[-]

_thundercracker_@reddit

Sit down, Chuck Schumer.

[-]

System0verlord@reddit

He can’t, he has to leave for brunch…

[-]

Gil-Gandel@reddit

What? After doing nothing but complain?

[-]

A_hard_pistachio@reddit

Right? You'd think they'd expect a bit more positivity after all that time. But I guess if you're just there to complain, it makes sense they'd be unphased by his decision to bail.

[-]

Gil-Gandel@reddit

Yes, and there was no way he was progressing up the monastery hierarchy with all that negativity he was constantly emitting.

[-]

LindonLilBlueBalls@reddit

Hold on a second here! (7 + 7 + 7 = 21) Alright, math checks out.

[-]

carmium@reddit

We called that "number work" in first grade.

[-]

ARobertNotABob@reddit

Same As It Ever Was

[-]

Ms74k_ten_c@reddit

There were 6 elders.

[-]

SconeBracket@reddit

Parole committee.

[-]

Northstar_PiIot@reddit

elderS, their just a hive mind

[-]

Thelonious_Cube@reddit

"Fucking complainer"

[-]

John-Doe-Is-Back@reddit

"That's not surprising," "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

There were 7 elders, each spoke 2 words .. 😉😇

[-]

cultvignette@reddit

They also didn't improve either of the work conditions in 21 years 😆

[-]

screwcork313@reddit

That's unfounded: it's possible the floors got less cold in the second term, and the food improved in the third, but neither was enough to prevent the monk quitting for unrelated reasons.

[-]

Mikesaidit36@reddit

Like, the Swedish Bikini Team hardly ever shows up. I’d quit too.

[-]

screwcork313@reddit

Plus they only had 14 years to work on it, since nothing negative was reported until the 7th year.

[-]

123twiglets@reddit

Plus they only had 14 years to work on it,

Though i was in ukpolitics for a minute there

[-]

Grouchy-Engine1584@reddit

The real joke here is thinking the rules apply to those in power.

[-]

IrrelevantPiglet@reddit

Not fair

[-]

Don_Loco@reddit

They were saving up by just nodding.

[-]

leecalcote@reddit

Exactly.

[-]

SpaceBoyCharlie@reddit

Unless there are 6 elders or more

[-]

itsagasgasgas@reddit

Same joke, but three words, two different guys and finally the chief abbot- “The food stinks” “No it doesn’t” “Stop this quarrelling”

[-]

manjar@reddit

The 800 word version is any episode of Seinfeld.

[-]

Phyllis_Tine@reddit

And then there has to be a laugh track so the audience "knows" to laugh.

[-]

Vishy13@reddit

Walking out he says the final two words “F U”

[-]

Purple-Elderberry639@reddit

My colleague once went through security, and the officer insisted she was carrying a small pair of scissors. She was confused—she knew she hadn’t packed any. They made her open her suitcase for inspection, but nothing turned up. No apology afterward.

With two kids in tow and a train to catch, she let it go. Only when she got home did it click—the "scissors" must’ve been her son’s toy Ultraman’s leg, which had looked sharp on the scanner.

[-]

methinksnot@reddit

First Elder says: “Not surprised” Second Elder says: “Only complains”

[-]

SconeBracket@reddit

Third: I see

[-]

GenkiJuice@reddit

this is a personal favorite. surprisingly, no one I've ever told it to seems to have heard it. I figured it was at least as old as the idea of monasteries

[-]

markov-271828@reddit

341 if I’m not mistaken. Thanks for the chuckle.

[-]

wj9eh@reddit

A man takes shelter in a monastery for the night after getting caught in a storm. Around the dining table, all is quite silent apart from the odd monk calling out a number now and again. "12!" one would say, followed by raucous laughter from the rest. "7!" calls another, with similar effect.

"What's going on?" whispers the man to the monk besides him

"Well, we don't have a vow of silence here but we are encouraged to say as little as possible. So, we've all given numbers to the jokes we know and that lets us tell them without saying too much".

A time goes by, and the man decides to try his luck. "341!" he calls, followed by the monks laughing so hard they turn red in the face and fall off their chairs in merriment.

"I didn't expect that one to go down so well!" says the man.

"They hadn't heard that one before", replies the monk next to him.

[-]

smthomaspatel@reddit

I was expecting: the man called "341!" Dead silence. Then another monk called the same number, "341!" Which got uproarious laughter. "I don't get it," the man said, "He said the same thing I did, why did they laugh for him and not for me?" To which the monk beside him said, "it was the way he told it."

[-]

Jokeminder42@reddit (OP)

I heard this joke maybe forty years ago, but from some guys names Big John and Up Chuck.

[-]