Need some doctor or medical jokes.

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jungl3j1m@reddit

A cardiologist is having a pre-op consultation with a patient the day before surgery. He is going to replace the guy’s aortic valve with an artificial one. He hands the guy the caged-ball valve and demonstrates how it functions. The patient is fascinated, and asks, “So, how long does one of these artificial valves last?” The doctor replies, “A lifetime!”

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donthateonspiders@reddit

death of the endless has entered the thread

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RamamohanS@reddit

Doctor: “We’ve reviewed your chart. You’re officially a medical mystery.” Patient: “So what now?” Doctor: “Netflix docuseries. Working title: ‘The Man Who Refused to Die Politely.’”

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GrumpyCatStevens@reddit

An 80-year-old man asks his doctor, "Doc, how much longer do you think I'll live?" The doctor asks him, "Before I answer that, do you drink?" "No, I've never touched alcohol in my life." The doctor then asks, "Do you smoke?" "Nope, gave that up in my twenties." The doc then asks, "How about recreational drugs?" "Never had any interest in that." The doc continues. "Okay, how about your diet? Do you eat red meat, or bacon, or fatty foods?" "No, sir. I've been a vegetarian for the last 50 years." Then the doc asks, "Are you sexually active?" "No. Lifelong celibate." The doctor pauses, then asks, "Then why do you even give a shit?

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Drkindlycountryquack@reddit

Groucho Marx. Doctor: I am giving you six months to live. Patient: Sorry I can’t pay your bill. Doctor: I’ll give you a year to live.

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gthrees@reddit

doctor says, "sorry, it looks like you have a very advance condition, we'll have to remove your kidneys." patient says, "i want a second opinion." doctor says, "you're ugly."

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TabooDiver@reddit

I told the Doctor I wanted to loose 10lbs of unsightly fat. He said "Cut off your head". I said I wanted a 2nd opinion. He said I was ugly too.

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derpherder@reddit

*adjusts tie, mutters* "No respect I tell ya..."

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BillyWhizz09@reddit

A man goes running into a clinic shouting and screaming in pain. "Please doctor! You've got to help me! I've been stung by a bee!" The doctor says reassuringly, "Don't worry, I'll put some cream on it." "You'll never find that bee. It must be miles away by now." "No, you don't understand." answers the doctor. "I'll put some cream on the place you were stung." "Oh! It happened in the garden in back of my house." "No, no, no!" says the doctor getting frustrated. "I mean, where on your body did that bee sting you?" "On my finger!" screamed the man in pain. "The bee stung me on my finger and it really hurts." "Which one?" the doctor asked. "How am I supposed to know? All bees look the same to me!"

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derpherder@reddit

This feels very r/NotKenM

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Cyberluddite@reddit

A guy has been feeling generally bad and the doctors he had consulted haven’t been able to do much so far, so he decides to consult with a new doctor his friend had liked, who has a more “holistic“ sort of practice. After the new doc does the usual initial exam (BP, pulse, temperature, etc.), the guy asks the doc whether he thought there was any way he might feel better soon. ”Honestly, no,” said the doctor. “Right now, Mercury is in Uranus.” ”I don’t believe in any of that astrology crap,” the guy said. “Neither do I,” said the doctor. “But unfortunately, my thermometer broke when I was taking your temperature.”

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BarGamer@reddit

You could always just show him Patch Adams, starring Robin Williams.

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Autowronged@reddit

Oh yes, the famously cheerful and easy to watch movie Patch Adams....

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whydya-dodat@reddit

It is admittedly cheaper than buying a full Grim Reaper costume.

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celestialTyrant@reddit

A man is on his way to work, going a bit fast, and he flies across this bridge. He gets to the other side and there's a cop. The lights go on, the man pulls over, and the officer walks up. "Where are you off to in such a hurry, Son?" "Well, officer", says the man, "I'm a doctor and on my way to a procedure." "Oh really?", asks the officer, skeptical, "What kind of doctor are you? "Well, sir, I'm a rectum stretcher." "A what!?", exclaims the cop. "A rectum stretcher." "And just what in God's name is a rectum stretcher?", asks the policeman, now thoroughly confused. "Well, sir, some people want their rectums stretched. First I lube up a pinky and slip it in, then I work until the patient is relaxed enough for me to get two, then three, four fingers, means eventually the whole hand. Then I work until I can get a second hand in there, and slowly, slowly pull until I get it to three, four, five, sometimes six feet wide." "Jesus Christ!", yells the cop, "What the hell would anyone want with a six foot asshole!?" "Well", says the man, "You could always give him a radar gun and park him at the end of a bridge."

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MyDogsTheBestDog@reddit

I love it!! Hilarious 😆

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Supraspinator@reddit

A Chinese doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.' An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic. Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste." Doctor: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth." Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene." Doctor: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20." The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money. Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything." Doctor: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth." Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste." Doctor: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20." The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100. Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all." Doctor: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100." Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!" Doctor: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20."

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varadero332@reddit

The doctor goes to make a note - reaches into his breast pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer. “Shit,” he mutters. “Some asshole has my pen.”

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WasWawa@reddit

Reminds me of when I saw the other day. A man had been admitted to the hospital and had been nothing but difficult with the nurses. All but one of the nurses es refused to work with him, but the head nurse came in and would not be trifled with. She told him she needed to take his temperature. He huffed and puffed and said okay. She told him to flip over. He asked if he couldn't have it taken orally, she said no, this is more accurate. So he turned over, and she put in the thermometer, and left leaving the door open. Quite a while later, the doctor came in and asked how he was doing. The guy said he was fine and the nurse had been taking his temperature. The doctor said that's interesting, I've never seen it done with a ballpoint pen before.

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Cultural_Stranger_66@reddit

I thought the ballpoint pen was a daffodil

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minnesotafrozen@reddit

What do you call a penguin in a desert? Lost.

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kezopster@reddit

Nurse to Doctor: Can you sign this form? Doctor attempts to sign with an old school glass thermometer. Nurse to Doctor: You can't use a digital thermometer as a pen! Doctor to himself: Hm, I wonder which asshole has my pen?

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RetirednLovinIt6621@reddit

An 85 year old man goes to the doctor for a regular check up. The doctor tells him he's in good health for a man of his age.. The man then asks the doctor to do a sperm count. The doctor says what difference does it make at your age. The man is insistent, so the doctor gives him a specimen jar and tells him to put a sample in it and return it for analysis. A few weeks go by and the doctor hasn't heard back from him, so he calls the man. The man tells the doctor, I tried with my heft hand and I tried with my right hand. My wife tried with her left hand and tried with her right hand. She tried with her teeth in and with her teeth out but I'll be damned if we could get the lid off of that jar.

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dognocat@reddit

A man is in hospital for a colonoscopy. A nurse comes into his room and gives him an enema, explaining that this required so they can see everything clearly. The nurse is called away for an emergency before she signs for giving the enema. The enema gives the man a huge clear out and he's exhausted. A while later, another nurse comes along and checks his chart. She notes the enema isn't signed for. So she gives the man another enema explaining its importance. He doesn't argue and just accepts it. Again, there's an emergency, and she's called away without signing for it. This time, the result is explosive and really painful. There is poop everywhere. As he's really embarrassed, he locks the door and cleans himself up before anyone sees him. As he crawls back into bed, another nurse comes to check the chart and sees the enema unsigned for. She goes to enter the room but finds it locked, so she knocks on the door. The man replies, " Who's there, friend or enema ?"

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Due_Asparagus_3203@reddit

What's the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer? The taste!

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Kabc@reddit

NP here, former ICU nurse, ER NP, and now doing urgent care. My “go to joke” was always to listen to someone’s heart and say “well, you want the good news? It’s still beating!” - not sure if that serves your purpose, but feel free to steal

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Dashover@reddit

Doc I’ve got 37 kids what should I do Doc - Do ? Don’t!

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Dashover@reddit

Doc gave the guy six months to live.. Couldn’t pay his bill Gave him another six months ..

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donthateonspiders@reddit

"give it to me straight, doc, how long do i have to live?" \- "five" "five? five what?" \- "four .. three .. two .."

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ondulation@reddit

“Well, I’ve got good news and bad news.” “Ok, give me the good news first, Doc.” “We’re gonna name a disease after you.”

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yirzmstrebor@reddit

A man receives a call from his doctor, "Sir, I'm afraid I have bad news and worse news." "What's the bad news?" "Your recent tests show you only have 2 days to live." "That's terrible! How can there be worse news?" "I forgot to call you yesterday!"

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donthateonspiders@reddit

guy goes on a holiday and frequents a ton of shady brothels. upon his return home, his privates are starting to show weird spots in myriad colours. so off he goes to see a doctor. "well, never seen it in person, but this is a textbook case of a very rare disease and i'm afraid our only option is to amputate", says the doctor. "no way am i letting you cut it off", says the man, and goes to get a second opinion. the next doctor tells him the same thing, though - amputation is the only solution. desperate to keep his manhood, the guy flies back to where he most likely contracted the disease and goes to see a doctor there. "now, doc," he states, "whatever you say, i don't wanna hear anything about amputation, you understand?" doctor takes a good look at the problem, nods, and smiles. "i understand, no worries, no amputation needed. in a week or two, it will fall off by itself"

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EnchantedTikiBird@reddit

The same setup (focus on MYRIAD OF COLORS) until he gets to the third doctor. “Doc, the other doctors wanted to amputate. I can’t do that” Don’t worry, I can’t believe they don’t recognize lipstick when they see it. “

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Booman_aus@reddit (OP)

These are awesome thanks so much for sharing these. I can totally work them into a consultation. I’ve got some props to buy Or gonna pull out my thermometer out my pocket for example and tell them some arsehole has my pen You are Legends appreciated thanks heaps

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Bentup85@reddit

Nurse holds up rectal thermometer, “Great, some asshole has my pen.”

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Marble-Boy@reddit

A man goes to the doctor and says, "if I touch my foot, I feel pain. If I touch the tip of my nose, I feel pain. My legs, my arms, my face. It hurts everywhere I touch..." And the doctor says, "You've broken your finger."

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Gumbysfriend@reddit

The girl asked the doctor if she can have sex again after her operation . The doctor says " ypure the first one to ask after a tonsillectomy !"

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BanditSixActual@reddit

A woman takes her husband to the doctor. Afterward, the doctor asks to speak with her privately. He tells her, "There's nothing wrong with your husband. He just thinks he's sick." A few weeks pass, and the doctor runs across the woman in a coffee shop. He greets her and asks, "How is your husband? She repies, "He's much worse. Now he thinks he's dead." A man takes his wife to the doctor. After an exam, the doctor tells the husband that his wife either has Alzheimer's or Gonorrhea. The man asks, "Well, how can I tell which?" The doctor says, "On your way home, drop her off a mile away. If she gets back home, don't fuck her." Also, the Groucho Marx doctor jokes are pretty tame but always make me laugh. Doctor: "Nurse, where's the talcum powder?" Nurse: "Walk this way." Doctor: "If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need the talcum powder!"

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Gil-Gandel@reddit

The doctor says "I have some bad news and some good news. The bad news is that owing to an administrative oversight, the surgeon amputated the wrong foot." "What the hell is the good news?" screams the patient. "The guy in the next bed would like to buy your shoes."

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Gumbysfriend@reddit

The doctor said " I've got good news and bad news .I'll give the good news to your widow " The doctor said " I'm afraid your wife has totally lost her mind !" Hubsays " it's no wonder , she's been giving me a piece of it for years "

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eggman10361@reddit

Doctor: I have good news and bad news. Patient: Give me the good news. Doctor: They're going to name a disease after you.

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mudpies2@reddit

Have you seen peter griffin as a doctor,, his jokes are pretty dark

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JonnyRottensTeeth@reddit

A nurse gives a doctor a report to sign and he pulls out a thermometer and tries to sign it. The nurse says doctor. Why are you signing with a thermometer? And the doctor says " Oh damn some assholes got my pen"

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Hister333@reddit

"How was my wife's surgery?" "We're so sorry. She's a vegetable now. If you can't afford a home nurse, you're going to have to quit your job. She's going to have to be fed through a tube, and you're going to have to switch out her IV, and change her diaper on a regular basis. You'll need to constantly exercise her muscles so they don't atrophy. She'll never acknowledge you're even there, just a painful reminder of the love you once had." "This is terrible." "Ha. Man, I'm just kidding. She's dead..."

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hummingbirdpie@reddit

Q: What is the difference between God & a surgeon? A: God doesn’t think he’s a surgeon.

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Soggy-Bat3625@reddit

A guy with a frog stuck on his head goes to the doctor. The frog says: "Doctor, I think I stepped into something!"

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Alloom@reddit

How long have you had it? Frog says “it started as a bump on my ass three months ago.”

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Alloom@reddit

The doctor gave me six months to live. When I couldn’t pay my bill by then, he gave me six more months.

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agreeswithfishpal@reddit

A doctor gives a patient some bad news about his test results. The patient says he'd like a second opinion. The doctor says, ''OK, you're ugly too.''

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TabooDiver@reddit

The doctor came back with my results and bluntly stated "You have to quit masturbating." "Why Doc?!" I asked , very worried. He said, "Because I'm trying to go over your results!"

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TabooDiver@reddit

The sign in the waiting room said "We encourage patients to breastfeed". But all the girls behind the counter got mad when I asked if I get to choose which of them I'd like to breastfeed from.

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TabooDiver@reddit

The doctor said I only had two months to live. I told him I couldn't pay his bill and he gave me another year.

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kanyeguisada@reddit

Guy goes to the hospital for a checkup. The doctor tells him "Sir, I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you. You have cancer that has spread throughout your body, and you also have early-onset Alzheimer's disease." The man looks at the doctor and goes "phew, at least I don't have cancer!"

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JimDixon@reddit

https://youtube.com/@steveioe This guy, a former ER tech, tells (or acts out, usually) lots of funny stories of things that happen in the ER. A lot of them concern stupid or dishonest patients.

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MontEcola@reddit

How can you tell which one is the head nurse? Dirty knees.

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Luxodad@reddit

Patient in a hospital gown running hell for leather. Nurse chasing after him holding a pan of boiling water. Doctor chasing after her, shouting, "Nurse, nurse, I told you to **prick** the patient's**boil**.

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Reidinski@reddit

A guy chops off all his fingers in an industrial accident. At the hospital, the doctor tells him, "It's not as bad as you might think. We can actually re-attach your fingers and after some time and dedicated physiotherapy you should be able to get most of the use of your fingers back." "Well... I didn't *bring* my fingers..." "What?! You didn't bring them?! Why not?" "I couldn't pick them up!"

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GAKDragon@reddit

I actually haven't heard this one before.

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ReasonableGator@reddit

A man's first trip to the urologist for a prostate exam. Doc: just go behind that curtain and take off your slacks and underwear. Man: where should I put them? Doc: just hang them on the wall next to mine.

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QuarterObvious@reddit

A nervous patient whispers, “I don’t want the surgery, the anesthetist is drunk!” The anesthetist replies calmly, “Drunk? Oh no, sir - I’m the responsible one. Wait until you meet the surgeon.”

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dogsforfun@reddit

Doctor: okay I have the results of the tests we ran Patient: well hurry up and tell me. I don't have all day Doctor: damn who told you?

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Cold_Table8497@reddit

I just found out my proctologist used to be a photographer. He told me to bend over and say 'cheese.' -Rodney Dangerfield - (he does plenty of doctor jokes)

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quesobaeritto@reddit

• Gynecologists are like mechanics… they get paid to look under the hood all day.” • “Viagra was originally for high blood pressure… but now it just raises something else.” • “A nurse told me to strip… turns out she meant my bandage.” • “The E.R. is like Tinder — you never know what’s gonna walk in, but somebody’s getting poked.” • “Anatomy class taught me two things: the heart pumps blood, and hormones pump mistakes.” CPR: the only time it’s acceptable to blow a stranger and not buy them dinner.” • “Surgeons are basically butchers… just with better lighting and more paperwork.” • “Condoms and stitches have the same job — keeping things together after a bad decision.” • “In med school they said practice makes perfect… no wonder the cadavers never called me back.” • “The difference between love and herpes? Love might eventually fade.”

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flingebunt@reddit

I guys goes in to see a doctor, and the doctor says "Look it is nothing to worry about and it will probably clear up on its own." The guy is worried and asks for more tests. The doctor tells him to put on a hospital gown and wait in the other room. While waiting a cat comes in and looks him up and down, walks around him while staring at him intently, then leaves. As the cat leaves in comes a dog, a lovely Labrador who goes up to the man and proceeds to sniff him all over and it too leaves. A little while later the doctor comes in and says "So as I said, it is nothing to worry about" and hands the guy a bill. The guy looks at it and shouts "$500 just to tell me nothing is wrong." The doctor sighs and explains "Well the consultation was $100, but we had to charge you extra for the cat scan and lab test."

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flingebunt@reddit

An old person goes to see the doctor and says "I have a problem with farting. I am sitting here farting now, they are silent and odourless but I think it is still a problem, what can you prescribe?" So the doctor gives them a prescription and they come back the next week. "Doctor you made the problem worse, I am still farting but now they smell terrible, but they are at least still silent." The doctor replies "That seems to have fixed up your sense of smell, now let's see if we can't do something about your hearing."

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