After having sex with Billie Piper I can tell you three things...
Posted by TabooDiver@reddit | Jokes | View on Reddit | 121 comments
First: She's tight as hell. Almost didn't get it in.
Second: She took a facial without saying a word.
And last: The people working at the wax museum have no sense of humor at all.
NotherOuthouseFly@reddit
That's mean-spirited and not particularly funny
TabooDiver@reddit (OP)
No mean-spiritedness intended. Raunchy...yes. vulgar....yes. But towards an inanimate effigy. I thought about using a Kardashian, but just couldn't even joke about using any of their likeness in any sort of sexual manner with myself. That was kinda mean, but still true. Too much fake body, fake attitude, etc. But no I'll will or mean is intended toward Mrs Piper. Best Doctor Who assistant ever.
NotherOuthouseFly@reddit
I once tried to screw a Kardashian. My pecker came out mummified.
TabooDiver@reddit (OP)
I tried to find an appropriate "Mummy dick" joke. Instead, I found this. It's NSFW. I've watched this movie at least 8 times and never noticed this graphic scene. From the movie "The Mummy". https://www.reddit.com/r/MovieMistakes/s/u5VY6O1tRS
kamarkamakerworks@reddit
You piper, you brought er
Ok_Way2102@reddit
You piper, you bought her. In this instance.
MamaDMZ@reddit
r/yourjokebutworse
Ok_Way2102@reddit
Nope.
EinsGotdemar@reddit
Yep
Ok_Way2102@reddit
Nope
EinsGotdemar@reddit
Yep.
thatbob@reddit
Americans: Who?
Brits: Yeah, her!
TabooDiver@reddit (OP)
Every Dr Who fan in the USA knows who she is. In the future we'll ll gather a day before she visits and fight until one remains. That "One" will meet her.
It's like "Highlander" but with more nerds, and a prize better than immortality.
MaybeMage7@reddit
... Do I dare say that she's going to be at a convention here in Salt Lake City at the end of September?
TabooDiver@reddit (OP)
The Gathering is up on us! Not sure how to rearrange my schedule, as it's a busy month... Guess I can postpone my appendectomy. Visit the family in November. The haircut is out...
janesmb@reddit
It's Doctor.
MoobyTheGoldenSock@reddit
It’s also Doctor Who.
TabooDiver@reddit (OP)
You are technically correct (the best kind of correct). HOWEVER....in order to prove yourself worthy you must answer 2 questions (⬅️note classic deflection maneuver).
Best actor to play the Doctor before 2000?
Best actor to play the Doctor after 2000?
ilhares@reddit
Pre-2000? Best: Peter Davison (most popular: Tom Baker)
Post-2000? Best: David Tennant. I loved Eccleston, but Tennant brought real emotion.
TabooDiver@reddit (OP)
We're not so different, you and I. Excellent answers. Perfectly agreement on post 2000. Pre 2K ...I was always a Tom Baker fan, but Peter Davidson was a close 2nd for me.
bitey87@reddit
It's The Doctor.
LeagueOfLegendsAcc@reddit
The Doctor who Billied my Piper.
thatweirdguyted@reddit
I'll make sure to bring something to the fight that they've never seen before:
Soap.
TabooDiver@reddit (OP)
I'm bringing a board with a nail in it.
talon_262@reddit
"Can you hammer a six-inch spike with your penis?"
"Not right now."
"A girl's gotta have her standards."
xflungoutofspace@reddit
when i was in middle school i tried training myself to lucid dream specifically so that i could have sex with billie piper
TabooDiver@reddit (OP)
...and your final result was? Enquiring minds want to know.
xflungoutofspace@reddit
the closest I got was noticing I was in a dream, saying out loud “if this is a dream, then Billie piper will walk through the door and kiss me right now” and then my friend who was there too was like “pffft, yeah right” and it didn’t happen :(
thatbob@reddit
I almost included them in the punchline, but erred on the side of brevity. Congratulations, you are now, for comedy purposes, a Brit!
TabooDiver@reddit (OP)
Monte Python's Flying Circus and the Mighty Boosh sealed my fate. Possibly Benny Hill. I watched Hill for boobs so I don't know it counts 🤔. Cheers!
MoobyTheGoldenSock@reddit
You jest but she’s the Doctor now so both are right.
eltedioso@reddit
Because we want to
Deitaphobia@reddit
Can you tell me one more thing?
Who the hell is Billie Piper?
TabooDiver@reddit (OP)
Super Model, Actress, and A Lister in the UK. Played Doctor Who's assistant when David Tenant was The Doctor.
TigStrBaron@reddit
She was there when Eccleston was The Doctor.
NextGenCollectibles@reddit
Gotta be a Doctor Who fan, right? I feel like most people don’t know who Billie Piper is.
TabooDiver@reddit (OP)
I haven't really watched TV since 2013 except to binge watch a few shows, like Doctor Who. So you're correct. Especially here in the USA. Since she did the super model stuff I thought more would recognize her, but reading some of the comments shows people do not.
here_for_the_lols@reddit
Mans took this joke straight from 2007
SassyAssAhsoka@reddit
Honestly she still looks fucking gorgeous
jdwhiskey925@reddit
Except for that British upper lip.
SassyAssAhsoka@reddit
As opposed to an American slackjaw
BoogieBass@reddit
I first fell for Billie in 1998. She had a music career as a youngster and must have been only a year or two older than me.
DrPlatypus1@reddit
Did you see her as a redhead in Wednesday? She's never looked better than she does now.
kriever7@reddit
If I didn't read her name in Wednesday credits I wouldn't recognize her in it. Because I last saw her in 2007.
ShinyUnicornPoo@reddit
Wait, she is in Wednesday?!
As an old school Addams Family fan I haven't watched it for fear they changed too much and I wouldn't like it.
But if Billie is in it... ❤️
Muroid@reddit
Everybody does a good job portraying their characters, but it’s an awkward marriage between the Addams’s and the plot of the show. Like they mostly get to be themselves whenever the plot isn’t happening, but then once it is, the reactions you’d expect them to have have to bend slightly to accommodate the plot.
The biggest dissonance for me is Wednesday being portrayed as mildly homicidal for the sake of a joke but treating plot-relevant murder as something unspeakably horrific.
I think the show struggles a bit with that dichotomy throughout, but it’s otherwise very good.
cloista@reddit
It's really good, definitely recommend watching it.
Leonum@reddit
Dunno who she is, I assumed she was from when this joke originated, so 1920 or something
programming_flaw@reddit
Dunno. Still love her.
Islandrocketman@reddit
I don’t like women who just lie there, thinking of someone else.
rojoshow13@reddit
Eww. I didn't know who she was so I Googled her. She's ugly as hell. And how have I never heard of her? She's been "famous" for like 30 years.
ilhares@reddit
She mostly rose (not a pun!) to popularity as a teenager with her music career in the UK. At the time I'd never met anybody on this side of the pond who had a clue who she was. Then she popped up as the companion in the resurrected Doctor Who back in 2005, and that seemed to light the fire that made so many more people aware of her. I wouldn't call her ugly, but like most women of pasty Euro descent, she's not aging terribly well.
BearWolf925@reddit
Dude, I didn't even recognize her in season 2 of Wednesday. I kept missing the opening credits until the last episode and was like who TF does Billie play in this?! And then I had to REALLY look and say her.
CraziBastid@reddit
I thought you were gonna say she’s bigger on the inside 🤣 Doctor Who reference.
TabooDiver@reddit (OP)
100% true: I considered it. But went with my #2 selection instead.
icantbearsed@reddit
I’m unsure whether this is a joke or just something on your fetish wish list?
Tompazi@reddit
r/opsbarelyhiddenfetish
LovesFrenchLove_More@reddit
r/ofcoursethatsubexists
AgitatedText@reddit
It was only after he smacked that statue's ass that he'd realized he'd hit rock bottom.
goldhelmet@reddit
Ahem... wax.
ohboyitsgonnabegreat@reddit
One man's trash is another man's fetish
Eroe777@reddit
Maybe both?
TabooDiver@reddit (OP)
Whaaa...? That's uh... just... they....so... can't it be both. When I wrote her a letter she didn't even read it. She just kept angrily asking how I got in her house.
Niro5@reddit
I primarily know Billie Piper from the Rubber Bandits song
https://youtu.be/ljPFZrRD3J8?si=vLioU3eh6ToS_pRc
moeshiboe@reddit
Whole new meaning to the term: Wax dat azz.
maxallergy@reddit
Piper?!
I hardly know her!
gregarioussparrow@reddit
Boom, still got it
mexta@reddit
Know it well know it well.
TabooDiver@reddit (OP)
Once I got wax Billie hot she was like butter in my hands.
Oldgraytomahawk@reddit
Waxs on wacks off?
Twizt1Up@reddit
Dipped your wick, huh?
Studly_54@reddit
Deep
theBananagodX@reddit
Straight waxed that ass.
jump-blues-5678@reddit
Did you melt her heart too
TabooDiver@reddit (OP)
🎼...too hot, hot damn! Call the police and the firemen! 🎶...too hot, hot damn!....🎵
miauguau44@reddit
It’s always the quiet ones…
Equivalent_Pace4301@reddit
I’ll grab the popcorn
mtgfan1001@reddit
Michelle?
looloose@reddit
Good one.
AnyMathematician8130@reddit
Brilliant
Ok_Way2102@reddit
Irony, a french language slang for blow job is «faire une pipe»
TabooDiver@reddit (OP)
This is the stuff they won't teach you in school, yet is important to know. And so much sexier than faire une fellation.
Ok_Way2102@reddit
Yeah. I was playing a pick up game of D&D and this cute girl, as her character, offered to give a pipe. Her boyfriend was the first to make the connection.
bitey87@reddit
😆 "'Une pipe' is not a phrase used when smoking tobacco with your brother." Learned that from a Haitian gal.
luvinthislife@reddit
Billie Piper pecked a pickled pecker.
saskir21@reddit
Reminds me of: „my dick is in the Guinness book of World records. Or was before the librarian did throw me out.
TabooDiver@reddit (OP)
Ah, yes... The surprise ending in both jokes
daryltuba@reddit
You mean the surprise finish?
TabooDiver@reddit (OP)
The wax museum curator apparently was surprised. But not in the good, don't stop, spank me kind of way. He yelled at me and ordered me to leave. He didn't even say "Come again"😶.
daryltuba@reddit
Definitely a surprise finish for the curator.
Snoo-20788@reddit
Yeah, so unusual for a joke, right?
daryltuba@reddit
You mean the surprise /finish/?
TabooDiver@reddit (OP)
I'm not saying it's big, but.... Someone snapped a photo of his dick in the record book and the film's negative weighed 3 lbs.
PeacefulWoodturner@reddit
Surprise or happy?
TabooDiver@reddit (OP)
Happy would be the librarian placing the world record in her Dewey Decimal system or her book drop. Afterward she loans it out to another librarian.
SirBuscus@reddit
Did you just discover what a punch line is?
StatementOfObvious@reddit
They were both inside jokes.
Direct-Inflation8041@reddit
Lol inside
Wendals87@reddit
As they say, wax on wax off
TabooDiver@reddit (OP)
Can't wax off in public any more. Court order. 😥
Tolatetomorrow@reddit
Edit the joke and remove “ at all”
TabooDiver@reddit (OP)
My command of the English language In the words of "Stewie"- "You don't so much speak the language as chew it then spit it out".
Removed. I suppose it was redundant, but now I reckon people speaking my local dialect won't understand.
PaddlefootCanada@reddit
Dare you to make the same joke about The Rock!
TabooDiver@reddit (OP)
The Rock is sexy....but making jokes about him? The Rock is hard. Here goes...
The Rock had sex with Billie.....
Bemeup57@reddit
Did you hear about that one guy that was apprehended while screwing the wax figure of Margaret Thatcher? He was charged with Tory-statue rape.
tkeelah@reddit
Bad wolf!
Trul@reddit
Piper, NOOOOOOOoooooo!
HamsterAdditional748@reddit
I had to double check that I was NOT on the doctor who subreddit
chhapri32@reddit
Oh Billie! How much I want her….
TabooDiver@reddit (OP)
She has so much to offer... intelligent, beautiful, sexy, access to a TARDIS...
chhapri32@reddit
You get it!!
ShaperG@reddit
"Piper did not like this"
xdarnokx@reddit
All random FO4 references get an upvote.
Granite66@reddit
Well at least it wasn't Billie the Piper
TabooDiver@reddit (OP)
He's not nearly as attractive. And between me and anyone reading this...wax Billie kisses better.
AcanthocephalaSad450@reddit
She´s a piper. She lays pipes.
Agnosticfrontbum@reddit
Dry-Character-6331@reddit
TabooDiver@reddit (OP)
Thank you, kind Sir. I'll be here all week or until authorities find me...which ever comes first.
sarcasticbandicoot@reddit
..I see what you did there..
Dry-Character-6331@reddit
https://share.google/images/nHTl9e66eHDvtILZi