A man goes up to a newspaper stand, buys a copy of the New York Times, takes one look at the front page, and throws it away with a disappointed look on his face.

When my younger sister was born our father had to quickly fly out of town because his father was at death’s door. When Grandpa finally actually died, she had a Master’s degree.

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When this guy dies, it's gonna be huge. You've never seen anything like it. Millions will show up for his funeral. More than any other funeral in history. And people will be sobbing like you wouldn't believe. Only the worst people will be happy. The kind you should lock up and throw away the key.

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Wowza-yowza@reddit

he is planning another tank parade without squeakers

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Wowza-yowza@reddit

The likes of which you've never seen before.

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somebodyelse22@reddit

I get breaking news alerts from the BBC on my phone. Every one so far hasn't been the one I'm waiting for.

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mrgonuts@reddit

Some people know big people but I know a lot of people a lot of really big people probably the biggest people

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CaliforniaStump@reddit

I hope you’re not joking about our president being assassinated. 😡

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astralite1@reddit

Grow up

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whatcubed@reddit

“Can’t wait.” - Bart Scott. And me.

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Foucault99@reddit

This is actually an old Soviet joke set in 50's.

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PuddingTea@reddit

What’s old is new again.

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That-Makes-Sense@reddit

Maybe someday, humans will finally realize that no single person should have that much power. And then mankind can take steps to prevent that from happening anymore.

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Skeptikal_Benito_44@reddit

We, Americans did. But enough Americans voted that we have a President who wants to be a King, he manipulates laws, people and power.

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AlternativeSwan979@reddit

You’re talking about Biden, right?

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Gasphase4u@reddit

Just Barry's Bolshevik

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thane919@reddit

That was supposed to be the entire reasoning for founding our nation.

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SomeRandomPyro@reddit

It's happened before, but then people who want more power get hold of the levers that keep someone from gaining more power, and new steps need be taken.

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fuqdisshite@reddit

the good guys have to win every day...

the bad guys only need to win once.

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Gargleblaster25@reddit

Or twice... In this timeline.

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HD-Thoreau-Walden@reddit

Like having a constitution.

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Terrariola@reddit

The USSR had a constitution. Stalin introduced his own. It had more guaranteed rights than any western liberal constitution.

It was just used as toilet paper by the government.

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Realistic-Lemon-7171@reddit

You also need people willing to enforce, defend and abide by such constitution, otherwise it's a junk paper.

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tolacid@reddit

History rhymes. Or echoes. I'm tired.

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Agreeable_Abies6533@reddit

Those who forget history are condemned to repeat it

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Asmodaeus@reddit

Those who do know history have to watch

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montybob@reddit

Those who forget to delete their history are condemned to explain it.

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brake0016@reddit

What we learn from history is that people don't learn from history.

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orangekrate@reddit

And those who read history have to repeat it alongside them anyway.

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tell_her_a_story@reddit

History doesn't repeat itself, but it often rhymes

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LucindaMorgan@reddit

I’m glad I’m old.

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wearecake@reddit

Was gonna say- Soviet joke that’s been doing the rounds recently actually. Someone finally modified it for the current era.

Though iirc, in the original he doesn’t buy the newspaper, just looks at the front page.

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Foucault99@reddit

Correct, he just takes a look at the Pravda front page and leaves as I seem to remember.

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TurbulentWeb1941@reddit

I'm a fkn idiot. I didn't get the joke.

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RyoanJi@reddit

Works for 2025 US.

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AutoModerator@reddit

/u/Foucault99 has unlocked an opportunity for education!

Abbreviated date-ranges like "’90s" are contractions, so the apostrophe goes before the numbers.

You can also completely omit the apostrophe if you want: "The 90s were a bit weird."

Numeric date-ranges like 1890s are treated like standard nouns, so they shouldn't include apostrophes.

To show possession, the apostrophe should go after the S: "That was the ’90s’ best invention."

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Loptastic@reddit

Good bot

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God_Bless_A_Merkin@reddit

Good bot

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NoName2show@reddit

Good bot

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Bartlaus@reddit

I think it's even older. Probably from right around the time it had become usual to have obituaries at the back of newspapers.

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Foucault99@reddit

That's plausible. It may have entered currency during the reign of the tsars.

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merlincm@reddit

The rain of the stars killed the dinosaurs, that's pretty old.

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GuyFawkes65@reddit

So is the administration

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Kooky-Glass4409@reddit

I heard this 50 years ago. He was looking for Franklin Roosevelt.

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Glum_Variety_5943@reddit

Then Truman, then Eisenhower, then Kennedy (got that one), and so on, and so on….

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Kooky-Glass4409@reddit

Don't to too far, or it becomes a political statement and they don't like that here...

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iconsumemyown@reddit

When that imbecile dies, his minions are going to prop him up a la weekend at Bernie's.

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PLZ_STOP_PMING_TITS@reddit

I mean, they did that while he was president, too. They wanted to vote him in a second time, too, but at the debates it was too hard to hide the people propping him up.

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alexmo210@reddit

I can already hear the conspiracy theorists spinning the Wheel o’ Possible Suspects for when it actually happens.

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Fabulous-Possible758@reddit

He doesn’t buy the paper. The newspaper vendor gets annoyed because he only looks at the front and never buys one.

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PLZ_STOP_PMING_TITS@reddit

He bought the paper in this joke. You can repost it in a few days with him not buying the paper if you want.

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thesamim@reddit

A joke that's been set in every country with a dictator.

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Frido1976@reddit

"bUt I'm nOt a DiCtAtOr".... Mango Mussolini, 2025

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veni_vedi_concretum@reddit

...... 79, dead.

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mattski69@reddit

That's me, every morning.

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juryjjury@reddit

Just posted less than a day ago.

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Fabulous-Possible758@reddit

Yeah but this one’s different cause OP didn’t tell it right.

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FourteenthCylon@reddit

Who still buys a physical copy of the New York Times for anything but the crossword puzzles?

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Chocolate_Bourbon@reddit

My Mother was at death’s door for the last thirty years of her life. My father was the picture of health until just the last few years. They ended up passing within a year of each other.

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cwsjr2323@reddit

We are both in our 70s and barring an accident we expect me to die before my wife. If I die first, she plans to sell the house and move into a senior apartment that requires no maintenance or mowing. If she died first, I would die soon after from starvation.

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NewGuy-1964@reddit

Almost the same here. But my mom was cantankerous enough to hang on a couple more years after Dad passed.

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Chocolate_Bourbon@reddit

I also became convinced my mother would outlive my father. She was always in poor health, but was too stubborn to give in. At the end it was a race, with my mother barely “winning.”

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elegantwino@reddit

I do that every morning as well.

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Srikandi715@reddit

If this joke is about current events... Why is there a newspaper in it? 😉

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Mekroval@reddit

Newspapers still exist. You can buy them at stores.

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dkyeager@reddit

This thread is all about retreads. A new great joke gets treaded like someone just invented the wheel!

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techman710@reddit

Believe me, on this day a lot of people will be buying and framing this newspaper. I have a frame waiting.

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Tiny_Connection1507@reddit

Yeah believe it or not, people still get newspapers. I like the updated one in the comments about push notifications on the phone, but it's not an easy thing for someone else to see you checking so the joke's premise gets lost.

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SkinTightBoogiePI@reddit

Reminds me of Steve Martin in Roxanne

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stanley604@reddit

I've got to watch that again.

"I'd rather be with all of of you...than the besh people in the world."

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raps4lifewastaken@reddit

This feels relevant somehow:

https://youtu.be/41NOMETNp3U?si=gBeg1LgBnnl2Ul-Q

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Shalomar2@reddit

Terrible news for the rock and roll community: Ted Nugent was found alive and well in his hotel room...

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Whoosier@reddit

"“I’ve never wished a man dead, but I have read some obituaries with great pleasure." Often attributed to Mark Twain but in fact said by Clarence Darrow.

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OneTimeIDidThatOnce@reddit

Not a true story but funny.

Asked for comment after hearing that Joan Collins died Bette Davis said, "One should only speak good of the dead. Joan Collins is dead. Good."

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JonnysAppleSeed@reddit

*Joan Crawford

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LeonidasVaarwater@reddit

I never thought I'd celebrate someone's demise when I was younger. Now there's actually a list.

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Super_Pan@reddit

“I've never wished a man dead, but I have read some obituaries with great pleasure” - Clarence Darrow

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Busy-Bathroom-2173@reddit

Says a lot about a person....

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EmperorUmi@reddit

Speaks volumes on a specific person if thousands, if not millions/billions, of people will be happy to see him gone.

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AltoExyl@reddit

Says a lot about the people who run the world. Politician or otherwise.

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ShenaniganStarling@reddit

I'm stocking up on confetti. It will be a day to remember.

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LeonidasVaarwater@reddit

I wouldn't want to clean up the mess, but you can bet I'm going to pour myself a nice drink and raise my glass with a smile.
Part of me thinks that's pretty terrible, but here we are.

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SuchCoolBrandon@reddit

I think it's terrible that one person can make the world so terrible.

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ShenaniganStarling@reddit

Alright, changed my mind on the paper confetti, Indianapolis will generally ticket for littering for that sort of thing. Can't keep me off the streets to loudly celebrate though.

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DrugsAreNifty@reddit

What’s the list?

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mgraunk@reddit

Cersei

Joffrey

Meryn Trant

Ilyn Payne...

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LeonidasVaarwater@reddit

I'd rather not say, I've been banned for "inciting violence" for wishing a deadly disease on someone. (Wishing disease on someone is a common way of cursing in the Netherlands)

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LasloEgri@reddit

This joke came to my attention in the 1960s but the man was a Russian reading Pravda.

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bwbandy@reddit

I have a bottle of 2005 Crystal Rose set aside for the day this joke becomes reality

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johnny-Low-Five@reddit

I never watched the show but I'm waiting for a "designated survivor" type of event. Clean slate fresh start and maybe, just maybe we do it better this time.

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NoPoopOnFace@reddit

Also an old Soviet joke about Stalin, I'm told.

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lokibeat@reddit

I've heard a variation of this joke with regard to Stalin (or possibly a later Soviet Premier) and Castro. However, in those cases, the reader doesn't buy the paper, he just scans the front page. Ironic.

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shivio@reddit

this is the real joke.

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colBoh@reddit

Be careful what you wish for, because you might get it. He'll just end up wishing for a different front-page obituary.

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Ok-Clothes-3378@reddit

I can totally relate to this joke. Each day when I wake up, I go to CNN on my phone and hope to see the headline many of us want to see. "...found dead this morning"...". When I don't see it, I'm slightly dissapointed, but someday soon, hopefully. That will be an awesome day!

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