There was once a man and woman who had been married for more than 60 years.
Posted by ReasonableGator@reddit | Jokes | View on Reddit | 27 comments
They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted doilies and a stack of money totaling $25,000. He asked her about the contents.
"When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me that the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily."
The little old man was so moved, he had to fight back tears. Only two precious doilies were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving.
He said, "But what about all of this money? How did you manage to save all this money?"
"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the doilies."
crypticcrosswordguy@reddit
How much does a doily cost?
Luxodad@reddit
Purchased individually, they usually bring in the $5-10 range per doily providing they are in good condition, according to Google.
So, at the top end of $10, she was unfaithful 2,502 times.
Dizzy_Trick1820@reddit
I had a wife who only charged a nickel. She had more money than that 25k
msfs1310@reddit
The outgoing President of Russia (ha like thats going to happen right?) gives the new President three envelopes and tells him to one each time he has a crisis. After the first crisis, President opens the first envelope which says ‘Blame the West’ - he does, and survives the first crisis. After the second crisis, President opens the second envelope which says ‘Blame the generals’ - he does, and survives the second crisis. After the third crisis, President opens the third envelope which says ‘please walk over to the window and open it…’
YouKidsGetOffMyYard@reddit
I think the third envelope is supposed to tell him to "get 3 envelopes". i.e. it's your turn to leave and tell the next guy. That's how I remember it anyways.
msfs1310@reddit
Yep, it was “Make three envelopes” But seeing as how there is extra gravitational pull near Russian windows the past few years, an update seemed to fit…
Confident-Bug3735@reddit
Ah, yes, those sneaky Russians and their windows...
In other news, the key witness in the Epstine case has just committed suicide. So sad and unfortunate.
836624@reddit
Funnier with the 3 envelopes
Mikesaidit36@reddit
“Defenestration” is the means of succession there.
Neither_Berry_100@reddit
This is what I was thinking as well!
PersonNumber7Billion@reddit
You forgot the part where the outgoing president opens the window and jumps out.
Acrobatic_Matter_109@reddit
Just our luck that the outgoing President and the incoming President will both be called Vladimir Putin. We'll never get rid of that fucker!
Make_the_music_stop@reddit
A couple aged 101 and 98 was about to get a divorce.
The judge sadly asks "Oh c'mon now, you've been married for 80 years, why did you decide to get a divorce?"
"I mean, sir..." said the woman "We actually wanted a divorce for a long time but did not want our children to get upset so waited for them to die"
Bill-Braskyy@reddit
"nuthin' wrong with that!"
Waitsfornoone@reddit
Reminiscent of this one [NSFW]:
A man is on his deathbed, and he asks his wife: "Martha, soon I will be gone forever, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years of marriage, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'"
Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"
Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"
Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."
"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."
"Alright," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"
x-SLUR-x@reddit
WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
BigThunder3000@reddit
They shared everything, they talked, the kept….
“Had” isn’t necessary
senaya@reddit
Plot twist: she only sold one doll and it was herself when she got sick.
MerryTWatching@reddit
An old couple sits down at the breakfast table one morning, and the wife looks over at her husband and asks, "Do you remember what today is?"
"It's our 70th wedding anniversary." he replies.
"Remember all those mornings at the start of our marriage when we had so many things to worry about, and we would sit here and work through them together?"
"I do. And do you remember all those mornings that we decided to not worry about things? Remember what we used to do right here in this kitchen?" he asked.
"I do! So many breakfasts we ate in the nude!" she giggled.
They sat there for a moment, smiling at each other, then stood up and started taking their pajamas off. Naked, she leaned forward and said, "My nipples are just as hot for you now as they were 70 years ago."
He replied, "Well they should be, one's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal."
Luxodad@reddit
A newly wed husband and wife had an agreement that, in the unlikely event either was unfaithful, they would put a grain of rice in a jar.
On their first anniversary the husband apologises and shows his jar with six grains in it. The wife forgives him.
The husband looks at his wife's jar and is happy to see only two grains in it.
"Darling, after my six you are not to blame for your transgressions. Only two is not that bad."
The wife replied, "Thank you darling for forgiving me, but it's not just two."
"What do you mean?" he asked.
"Weeellll, remember that rice pudding we had for dessert ... "
GreenHorror4252@reddit
Reminds me of the aluminum cans and the recycling money.
Whoosier@reddit
A husband and wife have been married 60 years, and their children and family want to throw them a big celebration. The husband is reluctant because he hates crowds, especially now that he's hard of hearing, but he agrees to attend. As the party wears on, the husband and wife are sitting together at the head table. She pats him on the knee and says, "I'm proud of you." He answers her, "I'm sick of you too."
halermine@reddit
Under 60th wedding anniversary, the old man carries his wife across the threshold of the same room where they spent their honeymoon.
Thinking back about that night so many years ago he says to his wife “remember I told you “I’m gonna suck those titties dry! And fuck your brains out”
“Oh yes, dear!”
“Well, it seems like I succeeded”
Fearchar@reddit
This was told as a true story: A young man and woman were about to get married. The young woman decided to make a list of all the things he might do that would upset her, and if he did anything on that list, she would leave him.
Well, she never did get around to making that list, so every time he did something to make her mad, she would mutter to herself, "Well, he's just lucky that's not on the list."
corporalcrocodile@reddit
Oh honey! lf i had known i would make you angry every day.
Money-Detective-6631@reddit
That hit really hard..That is a lot of money........
lionbythetail@reddit
When a commenter locks in at the wrong time hahaha