I’m luckier than most married guys—my wife initiates every time we have sex!

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A_Tom_McWedgie@reddit

I developed a system so my wife can easily tell me when she wants to get frisky.

When she wants sex, she has to reach over and pull my penis once.

When she doesn’t want to have sex, she has to reach over and pull my penis 437 times.

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hollyflower@reddit

There it is …there’s the gem lmao

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Waitsfornoone@reddit

Looks who's bragging: "Mr. It takes more than 100 tugs."

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Regular-Tutor9074@reddit

Is that joke inspired by true events?

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Exile714@reddit

My wife fails to initiate all the time.

“Babe, why are you grumpy this morning?”

“Because I really wanted you last night and you turned me down.”

“I… what? No. How was I supposed to know that?”

“I wore my sexy shoes. It was obvious.”

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DirtyDuckman53@reddit

If my partner was wearing her 5” red heels. Believe me I would notice

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Waitsfornoone@reddit

FM shoes tend to do that.

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Exile714@reddit

Lol the sexy shoes are not heels. I’ve narrowed it down that far.

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One_Economist_3761@reddit

I have my sexy bunny slippers.

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Waitsfornoone@reddit

A man tries to initiate sex with his wife.

She tells him, "I'm sorry, honey. I have a gynecologist appointment tomorrow, so I want to be fresh". Disappointed, the man walks away.

Moments later, the man walks back to his wife and asks, "...You don't have a dentist appointment tomorrow, do you?"

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sundae_diner@reddit

Or with the proctologist?

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NotMyShootName@reddit

Or with the pediatrician spooky music stops

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Waitsfornoone@reddit

Prince Andrew? Is that you?

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drprocto@reddit

Can confirm they had an appointment.

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Unfair_Bar_7868@reddit

She'll say another excuse or pretend to be out cold 🤣

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albyagolfer@reddit

Ok. That’s actually original and funny.

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KelliNMike2408@reddit

Well since you know which are original and which are funny, please, teach us by posting an original funny one of your own...

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Plus-King5266@reddit

That was unnecessarily snarky. Who peed in your Cheerios this morning?

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Shadowed_Knight@reddit

Me, sorry. It was an emergency

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DOLO_F_PHD@reddit

Gross dude there was a potted plant right there too

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Puzzleheaded_Quiet70@reddit

The hygrometer indicated that the plant was sufficiently moist

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Shadowed_Knight@reddit

I KNOW BUT I DIDN’T SEE IT IN TIME

I ONLY SAW THE CHEERIOS :(

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RecalcitrantHuman@reddit

I hope you didn’t wipe on the curtains after

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SoDifficultToBeFunny@reddit

Who the f**k wipes on curtains??!!! I just masturbate on them.

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StrongStyleMuscle@reddit

This is not a joke it’s a lot of our realities. 😂

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The-Jolly-Joker@reddit

It's funny cause it's true? 😅

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The7footr@reddit

Maybe more funny for those not in it…

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The-Jolly-Joker@reddit

Heh, true - but we're in this together, mates. Now, let's begin strangling our one-eyed snakes. 🤣

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One_Economist_3761@reddit

Choking our collective bishops

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Puzzleheaded_Quiet70@reddit

Throttling our thrusters

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Commercial-Day8360@reddit

After 50 long years, my wife and I still have oral sex. We walk past each other in the hallway and say “fuck you”.

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kenweise@reddit

After 40 years of marriage, my wife still finds me sexy. Every time we pass, she says "what an ass!"

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Puzzleheaded_Quiet70@reddit

My wife just goes "fucking ass", I'm not sure if she means it's fit for purpose, or just likes the look of it

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MisterB78@reddit

My wife always refers to me as a sex machine.

“What a fucking tool.”

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generalbadaxe1@reddit

My wife had a funny way of starting conversations, it was always Are you even listening to me?

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_HeyGFY_@reddit

There are four types of sex in any marriage.

The first is house sex, newly married, sex in any room of the house.

The second is bedroom sex, three to five years into the marriage, a couple kids running around, sex only in the bedroom.

The third is hall sex, maybe 10 years in, started at opposite ends of the hall and yell "fuck you" every day.

The fourth is court sex, where she and her lawyer fuck him in front of the judge and everyone.

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TheActualJonesy@reddit

That's one item on my bucket list that'll never come off.

Her restraining order pretty much clinches it.

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