U seem to me like someone who has confidence issues (possibly due to your environment), but u know let me tell u a story. When I was living in china I was there for many years and could speak Chinese by then. I was taking a weekend in Seoul, and met this really gorgeous Chinese girl who unlike most Chinese, actually had a body and curves. I mention this because in china, curvy women aren't looked at like we look at them, as desirable. She was telling me that when she was in china that men would treat her as obese, and Chinese can be very cruel to obese people, because they think oh, u gave me anxiety, now anything I do or say won't be my fault (this happened to me personally too), but imagine a girl growing up in that environment and how it would affect her confidence, self esteem, body image, like everything. She took a vacation to Korea and didn't even think about it, but when she was there all of a sudden all these black and Latino foreigners started paying attention to her, calling her beautiful and sexy and lots of positive attention for the first time in her life. Of course at first she thought hey they must be pitying me or playing a joke on me but it kept happening over and over. She said it was so surprising when she'd be at a bar and those handsome men would walk right past girls she'd consider beautiful and sexy and give them no attention and go straight to her and give her all the attention and smiles. For the first time in her life she wasn't an object of ridicule or disgust. Her self confidence went up, her body image went up, her self esteem went up. Everything about her life improved for her. She decided immediately that she never wanted to go home, and from then on she was much happier and mentally healthier. I think the same could happen to u, for whatever reasons, just the changes of environment would improve your life.