What is something your parents did, that you would never do with your own kids?

Posted by Longlostneverland@reddit | AskUK | View on Reddit | 442 comments

I just had a flashback that made me want to ask this question. Does anyone remember when as kids you would go on a family holiday, meet a friend and then your parents would just let you go off on trips with a random family they have known for like 2 hours??? I literally remember being in Tenerife for 1 day meeting a girl my age in the evening and the next day going to the water park all day just with her and her family. Like wtf how dangerous 🤣🤣 I would NEVER allow this. Maybe it was just a common thing years ago not sure

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Americantigergirl@reddit

Tenth birthday presents, doing your own laundry and washing dishes. Twelfth birthday start cooking and planing meals.

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Z3R0TAL3N7@reddit

My parents tell me that I don't love my mom if I do something they don't like and my mom asked me if I think it's cool to not like he randomly I asked what she meant and she said that I treat her like shit when my friends are around and that just because they think it's cool to hate their parents doesn't mean I have to join in but I kept telling her that my friends brag about how nicely they treat their parent and I treat her like royalty when my friends are around because I do want to seem cool around them and to them cool is being nice to your parents plus she treats everyone else better than me so it's hard to be nice to her I know she means well but that hurts me a lot

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StatementOk4468@reddit

Say that there problems, no matter how small, are irrelevant or silky/ the child is overreacting. I (currently 14M) was never good at sports, was short etc. When I was younger, I was called names (I will not insert what they called me because it contains my actual name, but they added the suffix -linea to make it sound like a girls name) punch me and hurt me. Teachers did nothing so I asked my parents to speak to theirs. They told me: ‘So you want me to call and tell them that \_\_\_ has been being a bit too rough and teasing you? Is it really that important’. I felt awful after that and I never to,d them anything again, I ended up getting social anxiety, an eating disorder, depression, and severe trust issues. I will always listen to my children, they should not have to go through that. Like me.

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EcceFabrum@reddit

When I was growing up my parents were very concerned about peer pressure getting me into trouble. They drilled it into me not to care about what other people thought. If they caught me doing some faddish thing, I'd get sternly told off and banned from doing it again. *If everyone else jumped off a cliff, you wouldn't jump too would you?* It worked. It worked so well if something was popular, I would automatically do the different thing. Sounds like a great path for being strong and independent, but it's not. Part of the human condition is the constant battle to stand out while fitting-in, never more so is that true than in school. Always being the odd one out just made the target for bullying. Constant pressure to conform, but I stubbornly resisted (encouraged by my parents). It lost me so many friends. Being socially outcast is literally bad for your physical and mental health. It's not a fun way to grow up. I'm not suggesting one should be totally conformist, blindly copying everything your peers do, but I will try to teach my kids that there is value in conforming sometimes. We have to be able to get on in a group, both in school and eventually in work. Having friends is pretty important for most people to have a happy life.

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elijwa@reddit

Oof. Memory unlocked. I went through several years of being fairly friendless because I thought it morally superior not to conform to anything my peers did, ever. Even if it was over a silly thing. I made myself quite miserable by insisting on wearing knee-length socks to school (and being teased for it) when I could have very easily just worn ankle-length socks and it would have never become a thing (but then, I guess, something else might have become a thing instead) But I had this whole push-pull thing of wanting to fit in and be accepted by the people whom I felt I was better than. I think I must have been rather insufferable as a child. But neither of my parents are particularly gifted in socialising - my dad's basically a hermit, and my mum can be a bit of a bull in a china shop when it comes to wording things sensitively - not bad people, and not even bad parents, really. Just somewhat socially inept in vastly different ways, which makes for a fun combo ...

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EcceFabrum@reddit

> by insisting on wearing knee-length socks to school My school had a school tie which was available in two colours. Unsurprisingly everyone chose one of the colours, I of course chose the other one, it was me and two other kids out of nearly a thousand pupils. I might as well have drawn a target on myself. Conforming would have felt like I was giving in and I didn't want to. I guess I was quite stubborn as a child.

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elijwa@reddit

ha. I was very stubborn, but never rebellious. I was a complete goody goody two shoes. Yes, the "conforming would have felt like giving in" rings very true! And eventually I did give in ... the move to secondary school seemed like a good time to try and reinvent myself ... AND THEN SUDDENLY KNEE LENGTH SOCKS BECAME FASHIONABLE. Oh the injustice 🙃 Seems bizarre to me that your school would have two coloured ties if the vast majority of the school wore just one! Like, it would make sense if it was a school house thing, but hey, I'm sure it made sense to someone at some point!

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EcceFabrum@reddit

Are you me? I was a very well behaved child, if my parents said no, that was that. I didn't do any of the stereotypical rebellious teenager stuff. I would never have even considered doing something that was actually illegal. The only time I'd get into trouble in school was forgetting to do my homework. I had a very sheltered and naive childhood.

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elijwa@reddit

I may in fact be you, because you just described me perfectly! Heh. I look back now and think - if I had been born even ten years later, would I have been picked up as being somewhere on the autistic spectrum? And if I had been born *twenty* years later, would I have maybe been picked up on the AuDHD spectrum? Probably not, because I went to an extremely small school that was staffed by people who, while lovely and well-meaning (for the most part), were not up to speed on things like that. Anyhoo. I hope life got better for you and you've been able to find a happier medium since?

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EcceFabrum@reddit

> I went to an extremely small school that was staffed by people who, while lovely and well-meaning (for the most part), were not up to speed on things like that. I think you are me haha, you just described my primary school. > Anyhoo. I hope life got better for you and you've been able to find a happier medium since? I think I've made slow but steady improvement in understanding my own behaviour and how to better interact with other people. I feel like I went through my teenage years in my 20s with regards to emotional maturity.

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elijwa@reddit

"I feel I went through my teenage years in my 20s with regards to emotional maturity" Dude - we've got to get out of each other's brains! I have said to my therapist SO MANY TIMES this exact thing. Sometimes I feel so out of sync with my chronological age.

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gromitrules@reddit

Feel this one! On the whole, my parents were really good, but the one thing they got wrong was not understanding the importance of at least OCCASIONALLY fitting in. I never had any of the things everybody else had - and yes, I totally understood that my parents didn’t want me to just blindly follow the crowd and that kids will use everybody-else-has/does almost by reflex, but there were times when LITERALLY everybody else had something and I didn’t and got picked on for it. It was probably the main reason why I was bullied quite as much as I was. Well, and being a bloody little show-off, that might have contributed (although not having been taught how to fit in - or even that fitting in can be a good thing - probably contributed to that, too). Philip Larkin got it right, really…

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Kayskeezee@reddit

I remember living with my dad and literally crying every morning because I was a black girl with nappy hair and I didn't want to get bullied for wearing a natural afrow .i will never forget living with my dad and him not knowing how to properly raise 3 girls on his own , Id beg all morning to stay home and return id just get yelled at , at the time I was in 4th grade and this was the grade that all the girls had long individual braids and I'd be walking around with my hoodie on because my dad refused to get my hair done or let me attempt to do it myself ., now that I'm older I do understand how hard it was on him but I still will never forget the jokes and embarrassment I felt , parents please be less strict on your children and try to be more understanding, we go through our own problems too .

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ppl_r_disappointing@reddit

I would try my best to not argue in front of my kids. I grew up hearing my parents yell at each other so much so that I still to this day remember their arguments (multiple). As an adult, I crave peace and any time I visit and they start to get annoyed with each other, I get up and leave lol I refuse to sit there and keep putting myself through all that. I would also avoid projecting my fears onto my kids. I get that the world is not safe as it once was and there are people out there that wish to do harm onto others but I don't want fear to take over so much so that my kids grow up being paranoid like I unfortunately am. It sucks when I have to try to convince myself not to be scared because someone may or may not break in, whether it's day or night, I constantly feel fearful and a bit paranoid.

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alwayspookyszn@reddit

my mom was (fairly) also big on fear, don’t talk to strangers, everyone is trying rape and murder you, lots of CSI and Law and Order being watched. I didn’t grow up in a great neighborhood either so I’m of two minds. Growing up and realizing the world was WAY darker than I thought and also being a woman you have to face some realities sooner than later. In general I rather not trust than be trusting

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ppl_r_disappointing@reddit

I agree, although my anxiety gets the best of me, I'd rather not trust than be trusting. I personally try not to put myself in situations where it may have the potential to cause harm (any situation can turn bad tbh). I don't really drink or smoke bc I feel the need to be in control and fully aware of my surroundings lol I always opt to be the dd unless I know I'll be in a safe space to partake. It's a scary world out there especially for women.

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alwayspookyszn@reddit

So true, people always referenced the ‘gift of the fear’ book but fear is a useful tool, even in modern society. I think for kids it’s balance, I never let my fear get in the way of doing life (though my my moms fear made me rebel and do stupid shit in the opposite way) I think for a parent just instilling that if they’re afraid they can always come to you for help is the main thing.

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ppl_r_disappointing@reddit

Hmm, I think I'm going check out that book it sounds interesting, thank you! That is definitely my plan for future kids, teach them to not be afraid of opening up to me about their fears/anything. Fear is funny sometimes bc I also rebelled and did something I told myself I wouldn't do (met a stranger from the internet irl, dating site) and it turned out okay. I'm alive lol I guess a part of me either didn't care what the outcome was and or I didn't want the fear to take over to I took a leap hoping for the best 😅

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XihuanNi-6784@reddit

It's actually safer. It just *feels* less safe because of the news. People are much more aware of child abuse and predators than they ever were.

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Mother_Skin_4106@reddit

On behalf of a former kid whose parents tried to convince them the world was a dangerous place… thank you! It must be hard to fight the anxiety but you are doing a great job if you manage not to pass that anxiety down

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EscapeArtist92@reddit

Just generally being very supportive of their hobbies and take part in it. (Going to games, training etc.) my dad is also pretty useless when it comes to animal ownership however he would convince you that he is the dog whisperer. So id teach my children about safety around animals rather than encourage behaviors that I now know are extremely dangerous around Children.

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ClassicFMOfficial@reddit

Force them to do a uni course they don't particularly want to do

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Longlostneverland@reddit (OP)

Same happened to me. I either wanted to go to army college or go college to become an English teacher. Family told me I wasn’t clever enough to do any and threatened to kick me out if I didn’t do a beauty course. I hated it dropped out and got a job but then had to give all my wage to them if I wanted to carry on living there 🙃🙃

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JayR_97@reddit

I can understand wanting your kid to be a doctor or a lawyer or something like that, but forcing your kid into a beauty course is definitely a bit strange.

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Longlostneverland@reddit (OP)

According to my family the only job that brings in good money is nails and hairdressing. Anything else is a waste of time

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JayR_97@reddit

Wow. I hope you dont go to them for careers advice anymore.

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Longlostneverland@reddit (OP)

I’m a nurse now and they wasn’t happy for me. I told them I was going to be a nurse and they said how disappointed in me they were and that I’m to stupid to be a nurse and god help the world if people like me can be nurses 💀💀 they say they are proud of me now tho but it’s a little to late..

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JustAnother_Brit@reddit

I picked my degree because that’s what I was good at at A Level but I was forced to do a GCSE I didn’t want to do

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Distinct-Flower-8078@reddit

I really enjoyed a level psychology, but whenever I was doing extra reading / homework for it I got asked questions by my dad about why I was doing that again instead of my proper subjects. All the way through a levels I ended up picking biology for university, and then we had a parents evening after which he has the gall to ask me why I was doing biology instead of psychology. Absolute pisstake.

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BlitzballPlayer@reddit

I remember I had a friend at school, we weren’t super close but sat next to each other in biology and chatted now and then. We were talking about what we were planning for A-levels and he said, “Well, my parents said I’m doing biology, chemistry, physics, and maths so I can become a pharmacist.” I lived in a real bubble until then and my mind was blown. Me and my close friends were all choosing things we were interested in, but he was having his whole life’s path dictated to him at 16 by his parents. Pharmacy is a brilliant career and all, but he had no say on the matter whatsoever.

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Loud_Fisherman_5878@reddit

I’m guessing he’s south asian? Sounds a lot like my family although luckily this had died out by my generation. My parents’ generation all did the careers chosen for them by their parents though.

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Dry-Equivalent-3759@reddit

Is that what he ended up doing?

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BlitzballPlayer@reddit

I know that’s what he ended up doing for his A-levels but he went to a different college and we lost touch, so I don’t know if he ever did become a pharmacist! I hope he’s happy, in any case

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GlitchingGecko@reddit

*You can't leave the table until you eat all your food.* - Leads to clearing your plate even if you're not hungry and a lifetime of overeating. *Hitting/Smacking* - Okay, some kids need discipline, and maybe on some it's a last resort. With my parents it was pretty much second on the list after shouting. *Gaslighting* - "If you do all your chores this week, we'll go to the cinema on Saturday." and then Saturday morning, "I never said that." Probably more if I think about it. My parents were good people, but not good parents. They had no idea how to act around children, so I was always treated as an adult.

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Buffsteve24@reddit

39 and I still gotta empty the plate, to the point I have to lay down because I feel sick 🤢

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Designer-Historian40@reddit

Either way the food is wasted, is how I view it. Eating beyond fullness and enjoyment is just as much a waste as chucking it in the bin!

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sickiesusan@reddit

After a childhood of forced ‘plate clearing’, as a parent I went the opposite way and used to congratulate my kids from stopping when full.

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testfjfj@reddit

Can't you just put it in the fridge and eat the rest later? If you hate food waste a lot.

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GlitchingGecko@reddit

This has been the only thing that's stopped me from doing it. Either husband has lunch to take to work or I reheat it for my dinner the next day.

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Plumb789@reddit

I remember those. The gaslighting one usually ended with: “oh, you’ve got *such* an imagination!”

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ilovepuscifer@reddit

The first one fucked my life completely. Oh, and then when I started gaining weight as a teenager, my mum's favourite phrase was "well, at least I don't have to worry about your boyfriend, cause he'll leave you soon enough if you keep eating like that". In my early 20s it was "just because people don't say it to your face it doesn't mean they don't think you're disgustingly fat" Thanks, mum. Guess who is in therapy and *still* struggling with weight and body image issues? That's why, when I hear some people say "if you're an adult you should take responsibility for your failures and stop blaming your parents", I just want to scream in a pillow.

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Right-Bat-9100@reddit

Sounds exactly like my mum, who denies she's ever said I'm anything but pretty

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LazyCity4922@reddit

When I was 18 and my first boyfriend broke up with me, my mother told me "Well, it's your fault. If you were skinnier, you'd be prettier and people would actually love you." I was a size 8/10. It fucked me up for a looooong time. I'm now a size 12, my partner loves me and she still can't wrap her head around it, lol

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ilovepuscifer@reddit

Oh yeah, my mum has her own version of my childhood, too. Hers is a Disney movie, mine is "Mommy Dearest" lol

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alexandriaweb@reddit

As an adult I can recognise that my mother's abusive behaviours around food and my weight were (and still are) based in projection of her own insecurities and I can empathise that it must have been tough for her growing up in the 70's and 80's when teen magazines like The Jackie had weird restrictive diets in them and pushed ideals of extreme thinness, but also as an adult I realise that it was 100% not ok to push that onto me, that was a thing she chose to do and that is absolutely her fault and not mine.

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ilovepuscifer@reddit

Absolutely. I am in my 30s now and fully understand my mum and her own trauma. She had a shitty life, and understanding how that impacted her and her parenting has helped me forgive her and move on. We have a much better relationship, even though I still go through my moments of resentment and regret. But I can recognise where they come from and not let them ruin things further. I am focusing on my own health and improving myself. Forgiveness is part of the journey.

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sickiesusan@reddit

Wow. She sounds even worse than mine and I didn’t think that was possible. I grew up with the expression ‘nice and slim’. Any one who was slim was described as ‘nice and slim’. As a child it did make me feel, you have to be slim to be nice. We had to clear the food on our plates and it was my mother who put the food on our plates. We had no chance to say I’m not that hungry ….

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Weemac1961@reddit

One of my mother's most demeaning comments.... 2 weeks after giving birth to my first son was "can't you be anorexic for a couple of months". She made me feel awful! As you can probably imagine we don't have the best relationship. She's old now but has never lost the sharpness of her tongue, either doesn't realise or doesn't care about the damage her words can do to someone.

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sickiesusan@reddit

My mother is 89. She has got worse with age and since my dad died 9 years ago, she has had no one to keep her ‘in check’. She demands time and attention that she never gave to me as a child. That she never gave to her own mother, when she was older. It has made me a better mother, as I tried to copy all of the ‘good things’ that my friend’s mums did for them.

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Weemac1961@reddit

My mother is 84, my dad died when he was 59, he tried to tone down her more hurtful comments but after he was gone just like your mum there was no-one to buffer her. She is exactly what everyone would imagine a bitter and twisted old woman to be! We only communicate by infrequent text now (my choice). My kids and I had the usual teenage ups and downs but I made the conscious decision to never ever bring them down so I suppose she gave me that!

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sickiesusan@reddit

I’m sorry your dad passed away so young. My mam was always ‘glass half empty’ sort of person, I limit the contact to a weekly phone call. Even then it can be told much.

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Weemac1961@reddit

I used to visit mine twice a week. I remember standing outside her door and thinking "who's going to get it today", it was an absolute chore, always some imagined slight, someone had annoyed her or no one visiting, she never has taken any responsibility for the part she plays in alienating people, it's always everybody else's fault. She decided one day that it was my turn (again), that was the last time I saw her. I walked out and never went back, that was 13 years ago. . During the pandemic I was worried she would pass away and I'd feel guilty (for what I don't know) so sent her a text, took her 2 weeks to reply. That told me all I needed to know, we now text about every 6 weeks, that's more than enough for me, she hasn't mellowed and is still nasty, bitter and twisted.

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Space_Eaglez@reddit

That was hard to read. Sorry that you had to endure that.

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LittleSadRufus@reddit

Thinking charitably, when people say take responsibility for your issues and stop blaming your parents I would think they could mean: there's no point looking at blame, it solves nothing; and it's only you who can try to fix the problem, as no one else is going to.

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Sufficient_Ambition7@reddit

So sorry you've been told things like that. I can definitely see that affecting your body image. To be honest, even if someone was overweight or whatever, they're not disgusting. My younger sister reached uk size 18 at least and I still thought she was beautiful. She wasn't happy at that weight so she's down to a comfortable 14-16 and I still think she's beautiful. I hope you are able to work on your issues in therapy and heal from the damage.

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ilovepuscifer@reddit

Thank you ♥️

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xxmariemadeleinexx@reddit

the first one also can lead to a lifetime of chronic anorexia and fear/revulsion at the feeling of fullness.

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Spottyjamie@reddit

My wife does the first with ours and i hate it. Like dont make him feel like hes being naughty for not eating.

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Wonderful-You-6792@reddit

Stop her doing it then?

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Spottyjamie@reddit

I tell her not to many times, doesnt change her response of “he has to eat”

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bornfromanegg@reddit

“He has to eat” is a straw man argument. Of course he has to eat. That’s not what you’re arguing about. Don’t let her do this. You’re talking about a specific situation. Does he need to eat _this_?

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Wonderful-You-6792@reddit

Must need a different approach

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trainpk85@reddit

I never make my kids eat more than they want and people think I’m crazy. They are 18 and 12 now and perfectly healthy, sporty kids with normal food habits. Sometimes they don’t want a full meal and would rather just grab a sandwich later on which is fine. Sometimes that’s what I’d rather do as well so how can I blame them.

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IansGotNothingLeft@reddit

Oop, for me it was binge eating disorder (I'm mostly fine now, Christmas is hard though). It's interesting what flavours of ED can come out of the same situation. I'm sorry you've had to deal with that. I hope you're on the road to recovery.

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Ok_Orchid_8553@reddit

Same here. Struggled with binging because of this stupid rule. But I am mostly fine nowadays as well :)

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nakedgirlonfire@reddit

I used to eat all my food really quickly because I couldn't leave the table until I'd finished and I always preferred being in my room. I get indigestion a lot now because I always eat way too fast

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Boo_Is_My_Waifu@reddit

I'm the exact same. I'll finish and wait 20 minutes for everyone else

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ShelleysSkylark@reddit

As a young teen I dealt with this issue; it took me years to undo it and even ten years on I get nausea and headaches around some food + their smells

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P_Doggy_Dogg1@reddit

First one is why I have a complex where I have to finish my plate.

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liri_miri@reddit

I always live a morsel on my plate in defiance. Like I dont make the bed in the morning . It’s my finger to my upbringing

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FluidSock9774@reddit

Yeah and I have to finish everyone else’s too!! Like a dog eating catshit in the backyard

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Miserable-Avocado-87@reddit

The first one has fucked me up beyond belief. I'm pretty slim, always have been and I think it's mostly genetics, partly that mentality. As an act of rebellion almost, I will only eat what I want WHEN I want and if I don't feel like finishing everything on my plate, I just don't. I stayed with my parents for a while and my Mum was constantly asking me if I wanted something to eat and commenting on how thin I am! I cannot STAND it when people comment on what I'm eating or how much. Just fuck off and leave me alone... I make a point of never doing it to other people.

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nosuchthingginger@reddit

My dad literally used to make me hold out my hand for him to slap it as punishment. That’s definitely set me for putting up with pain / suffering 🙃

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Venoxulous@reddit

OMG my step father did this! I thought it was a unique, twisted way of punishing but someone else knows! Worse is when he make you put your hands out while he walks off to find a ruler or slipper or something.

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nosuchthingginger@reddit

My dad definitely learnt it from his dad, I’ve never heard of anyone else using it either! I don’t think he really used to do it to my younger sister

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mayfeelthis@reddit

Yea the no leaving the table failed with me. Sat there quietly half the day. I guess it did build some silent demonstration skills. My Dad never tried again lol

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svxxo@reddit

That, and siding up with strangers against me.

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absbabs1@reddit

My daughter is 18 now. When she was 2 she was going around her grandparents front room with a marker pen. I said if you don’t stop you’re going to get a smacked ass. She didn’t stop. I told her, I’m gonna count to 3 and if you’ve not stopped you’ll be getting it. It resulting in a light smacking on her ass. But ever since then if I started count to 3 she knew not to carry on. My two boys who were born after that occasion don’t even know what happened when I get to 3. But you better believe they’ll stop whatever they’re doing. Am I proud of the first ass smack? No. I’m ashamed. Am I glad it taught her a lesson and my other kids a lesson. Yes.

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GlitchingGecko@reddit

I think there's a lot of things you can do before resorting to that.. Especially at three. Time out, no tv time, etc. But, I do accept that it can be necessary for some kids, at some point. I don't think finding your 10 year old reading a book an hour after 'lights off' really deserves three slipper smacks to the back of the thighs though, even if it's not the first time. My logic would be, take the bulb away. 🤷🏻‍♂️

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orbital0000@reddit

After the 18th day straight of dinner not being finished and then 5 minutes later being asked for food will wear patience real thin.

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GlitchingGecko@reddit

Understandable. Plate goes in the fridge, if they're hungry later, you don't get anymore snacks until this plate is empty. I *never* ate snacks as a kid. I was always too full from breakfast, lunch and dinner. An 8 year old doesn't need 4 scrambled eggs on 4 slices of toast for breakfast before school.

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fabulousteaparty@reddit

Most nights I'd eat tea twice, once at my child minders and then when I got home and everyone else (siblings are 12+ years older than me) was eating and I said I was hungry. As a teenager my mum told me she signed me up for virtually every sporty club as a child (despite me being terrible at them) was because she thought I was a fat kid. Throughout my childhood she said "you're tall and it's just puppy fat" if I ever got upset about being bigger than other kids. The solution would have been to make me wait to eat with everyone else at home and just have a snack at my childminders. But apparently me eating lots wasn't their fault. Luckily they weren't too strict on the whole "finish your plate" thing but it was still said and still affects me.

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Beanruz@reddit

The first one I cannot leave food at all. I'm heavy Damn parents *eats a biscuit in ber at 11pm* the shame.

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Background_Pear_4697@reddit

A much better approach to the first one is "this plate is going into the refrigerator. If you're hungry later tonight, this is your only option."

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Livid_Refrigerator69@reddit

You have to clear your plate or you sit there until you do. Also “ I don’t care if corn makes you vomit, eat everything on your plate”, I eat it all, then go straight to the toilet & vomit because I’m allergic to corn. Way to go to cause an eating disorder mother. It was so unfair because I was one of those weird kids that loved Brussels sprouts & spinach & pumpkin.

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greenbear1@reddit

That is such a great way to put it. "They were good people, just not good parents."

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Usual-Letterhead9488@reddit

Mine is similar to your first one. My mam always made comments about how much I ate. They weren’t even really negative, just made comments if I ate a lot. I’m sure she meant it in a good way and she thought she was encouraging good eating but it made me really conscious over how much food was a little bit, a ‘normal’ amount, or a lot.

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LordLuscius@reddit

Ach, the first one is so hard to deal with, with my son, when I had it done to me and I can see the logic (poverty). I'm trying to do what my parents eventually realised they should do to fix it with me, I ask my son what he actually wants, and then guide him to make healthy choices within that ballpark, and sensible portion sizes. It's tough because, he'll sometimes go "ok, I would like sausage, potatoes and carrots please", (for instance), but then when I put it in front of him, "no". Of course I can't afford to just throw it away, and he can't explain to me why, and it's infuriating, because, you're totally right, children should have freedom to choose, but, like, I can't let him get ill off of a shit diet, and I can't let him be a little tyrant (he's not tbf to him), and I can't shit money. So hard, but hard agree with you.

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GlitchingGecko@reddit

There's a difference between, "I don't want anymore." and "I don't want that at all." though. I very rarely refused to eat anything (was not a picky eater) I just wanted less. I would have been happy to take it to school for lunch the next day or even eat it reheated for dinner the next day, but that was never an option.

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LordLuscius@reddit

That's... like, I'm not being sarcastic, I didn't think of that. Like, I'll scavenge leftovers to cut costs myself, but it hadn't occurred to me that its actually OK for my son too. Sometimes we are so in the thick of it, we can't see the wood for the trees. Thank you

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GrumpyOldFart74@reddit

Depends on your age, but I used to the “don’t you know we had rationing” guilt-trip too - my parents were born in 49/50 so it’s not like they grew up during the war, but it was definitely a thing. And as for the smacking, I remember my dad giving me a “clip round the ear” on one occasion and, when I asked what for, he said “dunno but there’s bound to be something”…

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batty_61@reddit

I used to get, "that's for nothing, now be careful." Closely related to, "stop thst racket or I'll give you something to cry about."

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bluebuns123@reddit

The common one where I'm from is "think of the hungry African kids!" No offence to any Africans but that's just what our parents used to tell us. But I remember thinking "how does me finishing my meal help African kids? If anything I should leave more over and send food to them" when I was a kid

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Ermithecow@reddit

I said to my mum at about age 10 "send it to them then" and she had this total look of realization. Never said it again.

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Tradtrade@reddit

Rationing ended in 54

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Admirable_Picture568@reddit

Even after rationing officially ended certain foods were still scarce.

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GlitchingGecko@reddit

Mine were born in 59 and 60, so not really. We weren't poor either, so throwing food away wouldn't have been an issue. I used to get given the same size portions as them too, so I was chubby by 4 and fat by 6. I remember getting 'special exemption' on wearing a school jumper at age 8 because they didn't do one big enough. I wasn't smacked for no reason like that, but if I did something they didn't agree with (talked back, swore, refused to do something), I'd get one around the head or the back of the thighs, with a hand or a slipper.

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testfjfj@reddit

My mum would always stuff herself full of food if, for example, we went out to a restaurant and the portion size turned out to be too much for her. She'd be struggling and not enjoying it at all and just continue forcing it down to avoid "wasting it". I don't understand that logic.

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The_Queef_of_England@reddit

My friend saw a food therapist or some sort of nutritionist recently, and they advised her to, from now on, leave something on the plate to relearn the habit of stopping when you're full. It works! I don't think my finishing the plate is to do with being told to, but if it's nice food, I love the feeling even if I'm full, and I'll feel like I'm wasting something good, and also feel guilty about wasting food when theirs people who are starving. However, I've started leaving bits and it really brings all the reasoning behind it to the surface, and that helps. So make smaller portions of delicious stuff so I'm not wasting as much if I leave it. My mum is an amazing cook, so it wasn't about having to finish the food, but it tasting so good, I'd stuff it. I wasn't ever a fat kid though.

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xar-brin-0709@reddit

Damn the third one is warped. I get that the first two may be generational things with good intentions at the time, but I can't imagine how anyone ever thought gaslighting was okay even back in the day.

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Icy_Biscotti1719@reddit

Ooh, I hate the one about having to finish a meal. My husband grew up in a household with that rule and now in his 40s he still feels he has to finish everything on his plate. I tell him if he's full, he's full.

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Mindless-Macaroon-61@reddit

You didn't die in childhood so clearly they did a good job, stop whining

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GlitchingGecko@reddit

Oh yeah, cause anything but death means it was a complete success. 🙄 Please don't breed.

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Mindless-Macaroon-61@reddit

Ultimately, biologically, the role of the parent is to make sure the child survives, not to bend to your every will and allow you to do everyrhing you want to do. You survived, millions of kids don't. So the fact you'd come on here to say your parents are "bad parents" because they didn't take you to the cinema or made you finish food they paid for, when some parents physically abuse and even kill their kids, shows how ungrateful and pathetic you are

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Some__worries@reddit

Jesus. Is that how low we are setting the bar for good parenting?

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The_Blip@reddit

7 of their siblings died in childhood from neglect. One of their kids lived though, so obviously their ability to parent cannot be called into question. Biologically, that is.

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GlitchingGecko@reddit

Uh huh. Like I said, please don't breed. If you already have, try and set yourself higher standards than not murdering your children.

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Mindless-Macaroon-61@reddit

Missing the point, I'm not saying you should be grateful just for surviving, but compared to what others have to go through, you have nothing to moan about

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The_Blip@reddit

"Compared to what others have gone through" Your qualifier for a "good job" is "you didn't die in childhood". What are we comparing our childhoods against here? Dead children? The quality of upbringing that we're supposedly not allowed to 'moan' about is comparable to sheep according to this metric.

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GlitchingGecko@reddit

Did I say I was? I didn't say I had a bad childhood at all. For the most part it was better than my friends, because I was treated like an adult. I could go out drinking at 14 with my parents knowledge, and just ring them at midnight when I was pissed and wanted to be picked up. Had sleepovers with my girlfriend from about the same age as well. I was just answering the question, and pointing out what things I wouldn't do with my own kids.

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Namelessbob123@reddit

Username checks out.

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TheGreatBatsby@reddit

Sarcasm mate.

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SavingsSquare2649@reddit

That last one. If I’ve promised something, then I have to follow through, otherwise they lose trust in you.

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CigarSmoker2000@reddit

First point is actually quite useful to me as I am a bodybuilder and consume absolutely everything. But yeah, not good in general!

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Uelele115@reddit

Are you my brother?? Add to it “let’s race to see who finishes lunch first..” leading to not only overeating but doing it fast, which isn’t good for you.

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Optimal_Phone319@reddit

Wow what an epiphany. Good people but not good parents.

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FreudsPocketCanoe@reddit

Didn't realise we had the same parents

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Gotthatterrocata@reddit

My dad used to make jokes when I was in kindergarten+ and even younger than that about not wanting me and leaving me on the streets. I would never do that to a child. I now have abandonment issues and it's mostly his fault. He also ignores me a lot or he'll get board with what I am talking about and tell me to cut it out or stop talking. Or he'll cut off a convo between me and my mom so he can talk to her because I am "Annoying her" even if she is clearly not annoyed. It just makes you think you're parents don't like you or don't love you and I don't want that for another child. I would never say those kinds of things to them.

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InhalingBacon@reddit

Getting angry at them for daring to grow. If you can't afford to clothe and shoe multiple fucking kids, don't fucking have them.

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Lochan2468@reddit

I don’t plan to have kids but if my kid comes to me and says that they want to die and ask you for help…I WILL NEVER turn to them and say “you’re being dramatic” like thanks Mum.

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macjaddie@reddit

Squeezing us into the car that wasn’t big enough for long journeys. My brother once sat in a laundry basket in the footwell all the way to Devon from Birmingham while I sat on my grandma’s lap. We had a hatchback and it was also fine for us to ride in the boot if we had too many passengers. Also smoking in the house. My mum fave up but my dad smoked cigars in the house for years.

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Teembeau@reddit

Kids in the boot. My parents once drove us, and a couple of friends to France by putting the back seats down so we had a huge area. It was great fun, at the time, but they'd probably have social services paying them a visit today.

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macjaddie@reddit

My husband’s parents had an estate car and that was their favourite way to travel when they went on holiday, they had sleeping bags :)

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liri_miri@reddit

I slept on the tray at the back of the car during a 12 hr journey. Emergency stop would have seen me flying through the window

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llottiecat@reddit

I remember my mums friend giving us and some other people a lift, the car was full so myself and her daughter (both kids) were sitting in the boot of the car looking through the window at the car behind us 😱… This was in the 90s, definitely illegal now… probably illegal back then to be fair 😆

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Distinct-Recover-936@reddit

I never tell my kid he's bad, i tell him he's being bad, if you tell someone something often enough they begin to believe it!. I constantly worry about screwing my kid up, i always swore i'd never be anything like my own mum, but some days i feel like i'm failing miserably, i'm a single mum with a 5 yr old, who i'm pretty sure has ADHD his behaviour is extremely challenging at times he never listens, unless i lose my shit, then i feel awful for yelling, i do always apologise, but i'm working on ways of dealing with that, & i've sought help on how deal with with this. I remember how i felt as a kid having my mother standing over me screaming at me, she used to make me go pack my suitcases & tell me i was being sent to a home for bad kids, she completely lost her shit at me for not getting something for her golden child one time, it resulted in her throwing a cup at my head, there was bloody running down my face & then she stabbed me with a fork while screaming at me, she only stopped because her golden child begged her to to stop. I remember being disappointed that the people from the bad kid's home didn't actually come get me, i was packed i wanted to go. My mum had a pretty crappy childhood & i think she suffers with depression & possibly narcissistic personality disorder. She's said the most dreadful things to my siblings & i, she ruled through fear & would make us feal guilty until we gave in, my sister treats her boys like that, and i'm determined i'm going to do my best not to mess my son up. That kid is my world, he's my little bestie, i went through a lot of trauma with his father & i still struggle dealing with that, i'm trying to be a better mum, i'm determined to give my son a happy childhood.

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Complete_Fix2563@reddit

My mum used to scream in my face that she wished wished she was dead when I was like 5, so that aswell as pretty much everything else

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Weemac1961@reddit

I work in a school and I remember a "mother" shouting to her little boy that she hated him and wished he was dead . I asked myself how that little boy would feel going home with this monster every night. So sad.

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testfjfj@reddit

:( What happened to the boy? Did you report the mother?

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Weemac1961@reddit

He was eventually removed from the home. I reported it to the school and the family was known to Social Services. Took a while to remove him because you know "family". I just can't imagine how that wee soul felt because if his "mother" was willing to spew her vile comments in public then what was going on behind closed doors? I hope he's in a happier place now and he gets all the love he deserves. Poor wee toot.

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testfjfj@reddit

That's so sad :( I'm glad social services eventually removed him. I also hope whoever he lives with now treats him as they should.

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HauntedBiFlies@reddit

My mum made such a big fuss about hating getting older that I’ve had a complex where I hate my birthday since I was about 15. I always feel like my life is slipping away and I’m too old for stuff. I’m trying to ignore it but while I’m about to turn 30, mum’s partner of almost 3 years doesn’t know how old she is, and she lied about it so much she accidentally told the wrong age to her doctor.

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ChocolateSnowflake@reddit

Do everything for them. My mum did all our cooking, washing, cleaning up after us etc. I moved out at 22 and got myself together (mostly). My brother (nearly 40) still struggles with maintaining his house. My kids will 100% have age appropriate chores.

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discombobulatededed@reddit

My mum is doing this with my brother and it’s driving me mad. I moved out at 18 and have always been independent but my brother is 17, still at home and my mom literally strips his bed for him, does all of his cooking and ironing and today she even said she’s wrapping his Christmas present (that he’s gifting to someone else) because ‘he doesn’t know how to’ FFS. I keep telling her he’s going to be absolutely useless when he’s older but she won’t listen. I can see some poor woman posting on the relationship sub in a few years saying ‘my boyfriend can’t do anything for himself’.

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FullySickVL@reddit

This is my younger sister, but she's 23 and practically unable to tie her own shoelaces. Our mum still does everything for her, cooking, making her bed, doing her laundry etc as well as our dad still handing all her life admin (car stuff, appointments, job applications etc). She's become emotionally stunted as a result of the coddling, my colleague is the same age as her and she's a confident independent young woman, when I talk to my sister it's like talking to a teenager in comparison. Our parents are both well into their 60s now, I'm starting to worry that in 15-20 years time I'll have a 40 year old 'womanchild' on my hands. I love my sister but I do worry about her future.

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discombobulatededed@reddit

This is it, I worry for his future. We are a tiny family and me and my mum are all he has. I love him but I’m not gonna be doing his ironing and wrapping his Christmas gifts for him in 15 years. I try to push him to be independent but it’s hard when he’s still living with someone that just does it all for him.

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InviteAromatic6124@reddit

My girlfriend is 30 and her mum is still doing all those things for her. Her grandmother was super overprotective of her and her mum isn't much better.

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JayR_97@reddit

Loads of people start a bit clueless but they figure it out because they have to. But if he hasnt figured his shit out by 40 thats on him.

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alongthewatchtower91@reddit

My friend's parents did this to her. They did *everything* for her and gave her anything she ever wanted. They paid for any holiday she wanted to go on etc. She's now 32 and all I ever hear from her husband is that she's lazy and doesn't do anything around the house and how much she complains about him not taking her away more.

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yeah-not-bad@reddit

Same here. I love my parents and we have a relatively good relationship, but I was babied (I am the youngest) and I never had to tidy my room, do dishes, cook, clean... Now as a 29yo homeowner, I struggle to keep on top of everything and structure just isn't a thing (I also have ADHD, which really does not help)

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elijwa@reddit

Hello me, I am you ...

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Justboy__@reddit

Try being married to the person who never had to do chores growing up 🙄

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No-Philosophy6754@reddit

I’d be out the door.

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donalmacc@reddit

Yeah this one was huge. My parents would clean and cook when I was a teenager because it was "easier to do it themselves". Cue me not understanding why you needed to use _hot_ water to clean burnt eggs off the pan aged 18. Jokes on them, I'm a way better cook than them now.

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theprocrastatron@reddit

Yeah I get this. My kids definitely need age appropriate chores cos I can't do that stuff and someone has to ;-)

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parfait31@reddit

I literally could write this comment, but with the slight difference in my mum doing everything for my brother but I waseft pretty much alone to sort out everything lol. I left home at the age of 18 for uni and got my shit together, my brother is now 23, still lives at home, still can't cook, can't do laundry, can't clean after himself, can't even be bothered to look for a job? Really your stereotypical elder sister/younger brother dynamic. And we barely talk to each other now, even when I visit my parents' and he's there (except when he needs something from me). Now I have a 2-year old daughter, she's awesome, my husband and I love her very much. And the main thing holding me back from having a second child is the *immense* fear that the second will turn like my brother. I know I need to work on this and I am in therapy. Well. Sigh. 🫠

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Status_Common_9583@reddit

Ooof same. I had to work out how to do absolutely everything as an adult when I moved out. I remember working out how to use a washing machine. I think I used fabric softener only and put it in every compartment and more inside the drum. Pretty sure the cycle was a monstrous 5+ hour one as well because I was just pressing buttons and twirling the dials until it actually turned on and did something lol. My mum used to randomly ask me to do something as a punishment, obviously I’d royally fuck it up on account of never having to do it before, and she’d accuse me of weaponised incompetence. It was just genuine incompetence.

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Icy_Biscotti1719@reddit

Ooh that's a good one. I was never really taught to be independent. As a child I wasn't given chores so never really learned to clean properly until I was an adult. The same with cooking.

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canyonmoonlol@reddit

Are you the daughter?

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Sil_Lavellan@reddit

My parents made the same mistake with my brother and I.

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discombobulatededed@reddit

Getting mad and berating them over something being spilled or broken. In my house, my mum would hit the fucking roof if I broke or damaged something. I’m talking like a cup or a plate, nothing expensive or irreplaceable. I remember at my nans I dropped my cup of tea once and it was so weird, I was apologising and rushing to clean it up and she was so nonchalant and reassuring about it, like ‘it’s ok love acccidents happen’. Made me realise that reaction of anger to simple mistakes isn’t normal.

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turbo_dude@reddit

Did you ever ask your mum what her childhood was like and try to understand why she became that person?

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discombobulatededed@reddit

I haven’t to be fair. She’s talked about it though and it sounded fairly happy, but I know they did struggle as my moms dad passed when she was a toddler, so my nan had like 7 kids by herself which can’t have been easy. My nan was always kind and lovely though, but I do think Nan’s are always nicer to grandkids than their own kids aren’t they.

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reocoaker@reddit

Agree with this, I used to try and cover up or hide anything like this from my parents. Kids break shit all the time! Get a grip. My kids often apologise for stuff like that and I always try and make a point of telling them it’s an accident.

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BeeGroundbreaking889@reddit

Omg some memories are coming back now. I remember my dad battering me once because I accidentally kicked over a pint glass full of something he had sitting on the floor. I also remember one time I broke a glass and I was so scared of how my dad would react I gathered up the pieces and hid them in the top of my wardrobe rather than admitting what had happened. Ridiculous

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Weemac1961@reddit

My living room is cosy and comfortable, there is nothing in there that cost a lot of money, it's something I've been deliberate about. We have 4 kids and 3 Grandkids, if something gets damaged it's not going to cost a fortune to replace. I'll never forget being told to not touch anything or the horrendous row I got for breaking an ornament. It's only stuff!

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twopeasandapear@reddit

I'm pregnant with my first and there's plenty I won't be repeating. And from sounds of things, won't be repeating my husbands mother's ways either: he literally didn't know how to boil potatoes when I met him. He's come such a long way hahahah

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Purple-Homework764@reddit

If they did something the wrong way I wouldn't shame them for it, my Dad did it with me from a young age and it was just pretty shitty on his part. Instead I'd show them how, it left me frightened to ask how to do things or second guessing if I was doing it right. Shaming kids or getting angry with them over not being able to do or just not knowing something destroys their confidence and sticks when it's continuous.

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thombthumb84@reddit

My dad is/ was the same either wouldn’t show me at all or would stop if I made a mistake. Learnt so much over the years but not at home. Had an older college once who was the most incredible (patient) mentor. Taught me all sorts in a way that really stuck with me.

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Purple-Homework764@reddit

Mine would just tut really loudly, be snappy... I remember being about 6 and we were eating dinner. And he looked irritated and barked at me "don't you know how to eat properly?". Mum collared him over it like but it was a constant theme or comparing me to other kids including my sibling, which as a result had a knock on effect in me being shitty with said sibling. Not that that's an excuse but you don't understand that stuff when you're a kid

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jupiterandmarsbar@reddit

Whipping them with a car aerial ….. yep, some parents think that’s amusing!

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liri_miri@reddit

My ex used to get belted by his dad

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jupiterandmarsbar@reddit

I hope he’s doing good now because that shit stays with you

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liri_miri@reddit

Well, he had a lot of anger issues and one of the reasons I left….

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jupiterandmarsbar@reddit

Ohhhhhh…. Then I hope you are doing good too x

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liri_miri@reddit

I am. Thanks

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ManofKent1@reddit

Mine was a garden metal cane. The70's and 80's might have been a different time but its all there decades later.

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jupiterandmarsbar@reddit

Oh my gosh, yes it is. Never quite leaves you

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Wantoliveoilwiththat@reddit

My dad used to take me to pub with him and stick me in the beer garden with the other kids for 4-6 hours. Kids weren't allowed in the pub. I wasn't a sporty kid, so I'd play footy but didn't like it. I usually just wanted to draw, ready, explore nature. It was okay in summer, but by autumn it was shit. I also got drunk driven home. My dad now has a dmfar better relationship with alcohol and I love him. But I have a hard time letting loose around alcohol and that's like, my 5th biggest reason why. Oh also my mum and dad argued about money all the time. So now I always stress about money.

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BBW_lover_Jam@reddit

Not saying I love you as a dad ... I know my dad loves me he's a good dad.. he has done loads for me over the years ...I think he's said I love you twice I make a point to say it at least once a day and also kiss and cuddle and my son I'm sick of this men can't show affection thing

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BeeGroundbreaking889@reddit

My dad has never said it. I don’t think he knows how to love because he was never shown any by his own parents. I also always felt like he disapproved of everything and I could never do anything right. And he said he would have preferred boys because he doesn’t know what to do with girls My mum on the other hand was always telling us she loved us and cuddling us and stuff. It always came across as weirdly neurotic and self serving though, like she was seeking the affection she never got from her own parents Both decent people but fucked up by their parents and completely unselfaware about it

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Otherwise-Milk-3509@reddit

I will never teach my kids using fear as motivation. My dad gave me an hour to learn how to tell the time, and then he would give me a test using a little metal alarm clock. If I got any wrong, I will get a smacking. I went to my mum and begged her to help teach me but she didn't explain it very well and I kept getting confused at the 'quarter to' and 'quarter pasts' and only managed to be confident with the o'clock and half pasts. He started easily enough with the o'clocks, and it got harder and harder, especially with a '20 to 7' and so on. So predictably, I failed his test and had to get smacked with his slipper for a few minutes (he used his slipper so he didn't hurt his hand). I was 7.

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cherrybounce@reddit

When I was 16 and on a family vacation in the Caymen Islands my parents let me go with a 24 year old year old guy to his boat anchored off shore at night. He had another guy friend his age. Just the three of us.

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liri_miri@reddit

This is wild!!! 😓

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cherrybounce@reddit

I called my mom out on it later and she said “oh we would have had the Coast Guard out there in a minute if we needed to” which makes no sense on many levels. She was probably drunk the whole trip.

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liri_miri@reddit

I hope nothing weird happened. I’ve been in strange situations too and just glad good dudes do exist.

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bluebuns123@reddit

Have such lousy financial planning that I keep asking for their pocket money back because I couldn't afford stuff. For example they would give me $10 and then a few hours later say "hey give me the money back we're out of eggs I'll give you money when dad gets home" and then later give me money again and then the next day claim we're out of something and take it back again. Yes we're low income but that makes me super confused about money because I don't know if it's ever truly mine.

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liri_miri@reddit

My mum took my savings out of my piggy bank, only to deny it later and tell me I was money greedy, just like my grandpa (who was a pedo) 💀

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Visible-Tomorrow5653@reddit

Strangle us

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liri_miri@reddit

Jeeeez! 🥺

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Shaggarooney@reddit

Beat them with a leather belt. Especially for something as harmless as not going for a bath when immediately told.

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liri_miri@reddit

Ooffff 😟

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testfjfj@reddit

I got in huge trouble age 14 because my mum found my notebook where I'd written down made up sex stories for wank material 💀. Now I look back on it, I genuinely don't see the problem with that? I feel like that's a healthy outlet for 14 year old horniess. I got laughed at as a kid sometimes but it doesn't really happen anymore. For example I used to always wear my hair tied up in a ponytail or plait to school, one day when I was 12 I undid it at school and wore it loose. Actually a lot of girls told me I looked nice, but when I got in the car at the end of the day when my mum came to pick me up she started laughing at me saying why is your hair all loose. I still don't really understand why that was funny. Maybe I should ask her about it but she probably doesn't remember it happening.

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liri_miri@reddit

My mum was SA as a kid, which meant any sign of sexual interest on my part would get shut down and shamed. I think subconsciously she thought if I was asexual it would protect me against abuse…. It’s taken a while to untangle that one

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Icy_Biscotti1719@reddit

Follow fad diets, have unhealthy views towards food. It's a miracle I myself don't have any disordered eating. Tell them they have a big forehead and should get a fringe. Go on about how thin they are. Project anxiety onto them. 🙂

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liri_miri@reddit

Same. My mum yo-yo with food, and I could so clearly see her insecurities. Luckily I have never had issues with food. Although I do try to keep fit and lean, but I’m still hour obsession

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liri_miri@reddit

*without obsessing

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Live-Drummer-9801@reddit

I will never snatch things out of their hands if I feel they are being too slow. Whether it was a hoover or a kitchen knife, if it was felt that I was doing something too slowly it would be snatched out of my hand and I would be sent away. As a result I was never quite able to learn how to do things more quickly since I was never truly given the chance to actually do those tasks.

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liri_miri@reddit

This!! Or being told, nah, ‘let me do it , I’ll do it better and quicker’

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Clean-Direction6246@reddit

Looking back my mother clearly had a lot of issues but as a child in the 70's ans 80's nothing was done. Had to sit at the table till my plate was cleared and if it wasn't then she stuck my face in it. I used to flush what I could or put it out the window till I was caught. Still cannot eat 'stew' to this day as that was the worst meal. If I failed to keep my room tidy to her extreme ocd level then she emptied every drawer and the wardrobe onto the floor. School was a blessing as an escape till the dread of not knowing what was facing me when I got home Vivid memories of her hitting me on the shoulder and chest (never the face!) with a stiletto shoe. Ran away one day with the dog but felt guilty for him missing his dinner so went back. Now she is in her late 80's and going strong and expects a lot from me. I am glad I don't have kids, would hope that I would not have been in any way like her but felt too big a risk. I know now I take on too much at work and let people take advantage and only recently understood why. In so many ways the world is a better place with children having access to people who will listen and act.

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liri_miri@reddit

We refused to eat our lunch only for my dad to come up with the brilliant idea that we were to be served the same food at every meal until we gave in. 3 days later surviving on only water my mum gave in worried if we ended in hospital child services would find out

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Icy_Biscotti1719@reddit

The amount of abuse being mentioned in this thread makes me want to weep. I am sorry you went through this. Is it a generational thing, British/cultural thing or are some parents just pure shite?

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batch1972@reddit

Smoke in the house

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liri_miri@reddit

My parents didn’t smoke but would let guests smoke. My uncle smoke cigars 🤢

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Monkeylovesfood@reddit

This one for me too. It was so normal to smoke indoors almost everywhere back then. There was plenty of advice on how harmful it was but it was such a part of day to day life no one took notice. I was diagnosed with asthma at 2yo and spent a fair bit of my childhood in hospital. My parents smoked in the house, car and while holding babies. I started smoking at 10yo and when I started working It was quite normal to smoke while serving customers. It seems absolutely mental now.

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Ropey91@reddit

Both parents did this with me. I distinctly remember pulling into a petrol station, my old man putting a lit roll up in the ash tray then turning to me, pointing his finger and say 'Don't you dare take any of that'. I've always hated smoking, its always playing havoc with my sinus making me sneeze etc and i can remember sitting there stunned thinking what is he on about. Couldn't have been much more than 10/11 at the time.

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Inkyyy98@reddit

Back down on promises (unless there’s a good reason). The amount of times I was promised day trips only for my mother not to be arsed to take us the day of. Labelling my boy as ‘spoiled’. My mum used to throw that word around and I couldn’t help but think ‘if I am spoiled, you’re the one who spoiled me’. Forcing physical affection. Again, my mum would force us (and our cousins) to hug her. Idk if that’s the reason I find it awkward to hug other people aside from my partner, but even with my one year old I don’t force him to show me affection. I will ask for a hug or a kiss and if he shakes his head I’ll let him just get on with it. As you can see, all my examples involve my mother. My dad would just sit back and enable her to

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liri_miri@reddit

The enabler dads 🤪💀

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C2BK@reddit

Turn down their daughter's Grammar School scholarship because of the cost of the uniform, and because "she'll give up work as soon as she gets married, so there's no point". Then, a couple of years later, send their son to a private boarding school. FYI: the 1970s completely sucked for no-tails.

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liri_miri@reddit

Wow. This is a big one to recover from. My mum had similar and never let it go

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Unlikely_Egg@reddit

Lack of emotional support or education. If I was upset or scared/anxious it was "oh stop being silly" or "stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about". If I was happy or excited it was "behave" or "stop showing off". I don't remember ever being hugged and told everything is fine, or them getting excited with me about whatever it was. Just complete dismissal. I never learned how to express or deal with my feelings. I don't want children, but I know that's something I would do differently.

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liri_miri@reddit

People can only meet you at the level they are able to meet themselves. I had to accept my parents are emotionally immature, and even though they love me and they are good people, they can never provide emotional support for me. So I now have a therapist who offers that when I’m exhausted from providing it by myself

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Mother_Skin_4106@reddit

I had this too but now I’m an adult I realise my parents are highly anxious people and can’t tolerate anxiety from others because they don’t know how to handle it It doesn’t soften the blow at all because it’s clear that to them their anxieties are real but other peoples anxieties are silly and annoying My mother is the last person I would vent to about something I was worried about, she’s not a bad person but she is not capable of providing comfort or support in those times. It’s sad, sometimes all you need is someone to sit with you while you have a little freak out and get it out your system and then you can go about your business Of all the things they got wrong, the lack of emotional validation has clouded most of my adult life and I’m still figuring out in my 40s how to actually recognise what I’m feeling and then to allow myself to feel it without judgement

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XihuanNi-6784@reddit

Are you sure they're just anxious? Lack of empathy is a symptom of some personality disorders like NPD. Not to be rude about them, but it's unusual for people to be so anxious all the time that they can never validate feelings at all.

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Mother_Skin_4106@reddit

It wasn’t 100% of the time but when they were stressed etc (so most of the time!) My mothers mother is textbook NPD and my mum has only found out about having cPTSD in the past 2 years after a breakdown. She doesn’t know I have cPTSD too, she would be upset because she thinks she broke the cycle, she did absolutely do better than her parents My dad also had a brutal upbringing and tried so hard to not repeat that with us, I do totally empathise with them both especially as I’ve now raised my own children and have made my own mistakes mostly due to unmanaged trauma that I didn’t even know I had (which now I’m like durrrrrrrrrrr how the hell did I not realise, but you don’t know what you don’t know)

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doloresfandango@reddit

I was always told to respect my elders. Unfortunately my family elders were horrible so I really struggled. I didnt make my children do that cos respect has to be earned. We were also made to kiss relatives and adults who weren’t relatives and to call them aunty or uncle. I didn’t ever make my children do that. They were the two main things cos there were quite a few. In fact I did the exact opposite to my parents. I have lovely children :)

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liri_miri@reddit

My extended family used to get upset my kid wouldn’t kiss them 😂😂. Tough. I’m so glad. I now have to also ask for permission for hugs and they are teenagers 😂😂

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Sleepyllama23@reddit

Ugh yes being forced to give great aunty so and so a kiss as a small child.

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MrNippyNippy@reddit

No kids so can’t comment but funny I did the same thing at about 14 in Tenerife on Hogmanay. My folks used to caravan and I’d end up in randoms caravans playing with their kids on sites etc too. I suspect my parents weren’t too bothered as I was a fucking ugly kid.

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IsItTho1983@reddit

Fellow child free & ugly child here! When I was about 8 & looking through photos, I asked my mam whose dog I was cuddling in one. Was a sheltie, so a "lassie" dog.... "Oh they were neighbours when we stayed there. Nice couple, couldn't have kids of their own & they LOVED you! Didn't really know the husband because he worked a lot, but the woman was very nice. They took you to Butlins for a week" I was 2 & we had only lived in that place for a few months :/

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shell-84@reddit

They let a 2 year old go for a holiday with strangers??? Free childcare I guess but I have so so many questions to your mam!

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IsItTho1983@reddit

Haha! I know, right?? I did ask her again when it crossed my mind as an adult & she just laughed & said that it's 'just how things were back then' but that it was just naivety, really. Or she could've been secretly hoping they didn't bring me back.....! She definitely acknowledges that if my big sister had tried to do the same with her kids years later, she'd have hit the roof Just one of the many things Calvin Harris was singing about I reckon

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liri_miri@reddit

I remember my mum saying they sent my aunt to live with other family for a year when she was born to avoid jealousy. Never mind separation anxiety!!

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ForrestGrump87@reddit

I got love for you if you were neglected in the 80s the 80s

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uncertain_expert@reddit

They weren’t neglected; people were just more trusting.

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ForrestGrump87@reddit

It was a tongue in cheek reference really , but I was born in the 80s ... parents were neglectful in all kinds of ways they were not even aware of. Their parents were born in the 30s & 40s generally and the approach to child raising was hardly progressive, that filtered down. Children seen not heard etc

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TK4570@reddit

>Just one of the many things Calvin Harris was singing about I reckon Nice reference!

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sunshineandhail@reddit

We moved house and our new next door neighbour was a childless woman with a giant German Shepard dog. We had only lived there a couple of months and I remember I used to go with her to walk her dog most weekends. We used to walk in the woods for hours. I was only about 8. Only now am I realising how weird that is. This was the 90s so before the internet had made us all needlessly paranoid.

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StrawberryOver513@reddit

Not really the same thing but when I was about 10 me and a few people that I played outside with from my street used to go to a couples house round the corner, they didn't have any children and they were probably 30s at that point, they just appeared in the house round the corner one day I don't even no how me and my friends ended up in their house. But I remember going in there having food, they used to give us money..But then they were gone, so I'm not too sure what happened to them. I don't know if I ever told my parents this because I think they would have been outraged.

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trustmeimweird@reddit

Is it true what Jay says about caravan club?

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MrNippyNippy@reddit

I wouldn’t know - remember ugly kid

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Pleiades_cluster@reddit

Everyone is gagging for it in caravan club so even a munter like you can get some clunge!

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MrNippyNippy@reddit

Now then now then

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Longlostneverland@reddit (OP)

I was also ugly, so maybe it’s just what they did with the ugly kids hoping they would get kidnapped and not come back 💀

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RattyHandwriting@reddit

My Mum LOVED (actually still loves) to put me down, but she does it in this weird “caring” way. “Oh, you shouldn’t go out like that, everyone will laugh.” “Wow, that’s really not your colour.” “I know you enjoy spending time with your friends in science but it’s not what you’re good at. You should focus on languages.” “Oh dear. See that’s why I said not to buy a wedding dress without me. They’ve really taken advantage of you.” I don’t even know if she knows she’s doing it but I make it my mission not to denigrate any of my kids choices, even if I disagree.

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liri_miri@reddit

I’m sorry you had to go through this. I love to encourage my kids to make their own decisions. When they ask for my opinion I’m always honest about what I would chose, or what I think about the options they offered, but I reiterate I’m 💯behind their choices, and I trust their judgment. They are always happy and confident with what they choose and i loove to see that

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usernamesforsuckers@reddit

My MiL does this to my wife. She still let's it affect her after all these years. I've tried telling her not to listen, she's a grown woman so why is she paying attention to it, she should wear what she likes, and her mum isn't going to change now. The key is understanding that her mum isn't doing it from a place of badness, that's just how her mum was brought up, but she doesn't need to pay attention to it or continue the cycle with our own kids.

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RattyHandwriting@reddit

It’s a really hard thing to see and understand but my own in-laws were a massive help in that regard. I’ll never forget the day she made a snide comment about something at Christmas and before I even had chance to respond my mother-in-law jumped in with “can you actually hear yourself sometimes, Karen?” (No, my mum’s name is not actually Karen)

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usernamesforsuckers@reddit

That's amazing. In defense of my MiL she genuinely doesn't do it from a place of spite but I've caught myself once or twice giving a disarming smile and saying "leave her alone, you don't see her commenting on your clothes"

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RattyHandwriting@reddit

Oh good for you! Keep that shit up, it will do so much for your wife’s confidence. I don’t think my mum does it from a place of spite either to be fair, I think it’s just normal for her and what she herself grew up with. Whereas my MIL is fiercely defensive of me (and my SIL) to the point of hilarity. It took a long time, but I’ve learned to live with it. It still pisses me off and I’m not going to pass it on to my kids, that’s all.

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trainpk85@reddit

My mum does this. I recently face timed her from Peru where I moved to and she caught sight of my hand while I moved my hair out of my face and she got all concerned and said “ooooh I see the sun is making your hands swell. Your wedding ring looks like it will never come off”. There was nothing wrong with my hands and I literally took my wedding ring off on camera. I don’t think I’ve ever had a conversation with her where she hasn’t said something insulting.

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GharlieConCarne@reddit

I think you need to find a balance. If you take a polar opposite stance, you end up providing zero guidance to your children and they will make terrible decisions because… they are kids

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RattyHandwriting@reddit

It’s possible to still provide guidance to your kids without being cruel though. It’s one thing to say to your kids that wearing their trackies to a wedding isn’t appropriate, you don’t need to put them down and call them a chav while doing it (yes, that’s another example from my own childhood).

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GharlieConCarne@reddit

Yes that’s true, so that’s why I think there has to be a balance

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RattyHandwriting@reddit

The balance is just guidance without cruelty though. There’s no situation where comments like my mum made/makes could be balanced in any way. I’m not suggesting for one second that kids don’t need guidance, that they don’t need support in making their decisions; I’m just saying that a better way to parent is to do that without knocking them down.

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GharlieConCarne@reddit

The balance is your mum discouraging you without putting you down.

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RattyHandwriting@reddit

Yeah, well, she’s never found a way to do that in 42 years so I’m not holding out much hope. Also, it’s worth pointing out that a lot of the time she was flat-out wrong. I looked amazing in my wedding dress; she was just salty that she didn’t pick it for me. I was actually very good at science and computing but she didn’t think it was “girly” enough. Now I work in IT and she hates it.

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Weemac1961@reddit

Live your life to your rules! You're doing great X

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Odd-Scallion-7553@reddit

Two days before I got married I mentioned I was getting a wax. 'Get her to do your 'tasche too.' I do not and have never had anything even nearly resembling a moustache

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tiorzol@reddit

This would be a great joke if they were you know not being a bell.

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ManonegraCG@reddit

Your mum sounds strange. Who in their right mind would call a goatee a moustache?

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XihuanNi-6784@reddit

It's called being passive aggressive. I'm not saying that to be condescending. I thought I knew what passive aggression was but I really didn't until I met my emotionally abusive wife. She used to do this but in a weird "complementary" way. I'm too tired to think of examples but it really wore me down. It was so hard to challenge because she always swore she meant it sincerely. It's deeply emotionally abusive.

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CatwellTarly@reddit

Sounds like my mum. Helpful comments about losing or gaining weight and getting the odd spot. I don’t usually wear dresses but did when I saw her over summer and she said, “Wow look at you in a dress, turn around let me see, oh look you’re getting varicose veins like me.” It’s like she can’t help herself.

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el29@reddit

Ah yes… ‘I think it’s better with your hair up’ ‘I think it would look better if you lost half a stone’ ‘you should start wearing more make up’ ‘I’ll go shopping with you then you’ll get something that actually suits you’

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ukcsthrowaway@reddit

Oof same kind of mum

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GillzZ_22@reddit

Not so much my mum but my dad used to put me down all the time because I couldn't add up quickly in my head or do the times table off by heart. I have to actually work it out by writing it down. My brain just doesn't work that way it never has. I've since found out as an adult that it's pretty normal not being able to do this but as a kid it made me feel like I was dumb when I wasn't. Also not being allowed to leave the table until dinner was finished or having to eat it for breakfast if I didn't finish it or take it to school to have on my lunch break. That was the most horrible thing my dad ever did to me.

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elbapo@reddit

Just be really emotionally inconsistent. Like I quickly learned that one day one thing was fine and another day it would lead to being raged at. Like, she did other things like throw hot tea at me once and I remember her missing my head with a kitchen roll holder shot (breaking it). But honestly these were nothing compared to being constantly on guard for one of her moods because it means the whole landscape of acceptability has shifted. This has messed with my emotional radar ever since, meaning I'm probably on edge for the minor stuff too often. I want my kids to know my moods don't affect the rules.

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liri_miri@reddit

I realised as an adult that what I thought it was smartness/perceptibility, was in fact hyper vigilance. That growing up with someone like my mum meant I was always walking on eggshells and become a master or reading the smallest signs preparing me for a change of mood. I learned to hide, physically and emotionally for protection. Now still working on being emotionally vulnerable because I’m always waiting for the backlash. But lucky to say I have found some very safe people to hang out with

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Sharks_and_Bones@reddit

This was me too. Mine had the emotional stability of a 3yr old. Temper was lost at the flick of a switch and resulted in physical outbursts. Several slaps wherever she could reach, wooden spoon on a bare bottom. She would call me stupid but then was so happy with me when I nearly passed my 12+, which was better than anybody expected. Got me a dog when I had some health problems, but would threaten to get rid of her if, according to mum, I stepped out of line. And yet we had some really lovely experiences together.

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cheatingwithsumo@reddit

The emotional radar part - you've just completely opened my eyes to why I think the slightest change in emotion from someone makes me instantly think I've done something wrong. Thank you

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togtogtog@reddit

That is what my mum was like. We would get home from school, then my dad would get home, and tell us to start tidying the house and getting the tea ready as my mum would soon be home. The levels of fear in the house would rise as we scurried around, trying to make sure that there wouldn't be something which might set her off. Then we would all freeze when we heard her key in the door. There would be a moment of quiet, the lull before the storm, before the raging would begin. When I was 17, after her throwing a hot drink over me, I decided I simply didn't want to live with someone so moody and unpredictable and walked out of the house to live elsewhere. It took me a long time to recover from that experience of constant fear and tip toeing on eggshells. After that, she really knows not to mess with me, and that I simply won't tolerate her being violent around me. I will just walk away from the situation if she does it, so she doesn't do it. As I've got older, I've grown to understand a lot of the reasons behind her emotional instability. She is a very insecure person and doesn't really ever believe that she is loveable at heart. She is nearly 90 now. She had a very hard life, experiencing war and occupation of her country and being taken away from her dad when she was 11 and moved to another country where she didn't speak the language. She didn't have a proper home, but lived in other people's homes, moving every year or so. I try to teach her how to reassure herself, and as she has got older she is probably now the most peaceful she has ever been, but she still has that underlying current of insecurity and can be quite defensive with people if she loves them, but thinks they don't want or need her.

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bluejackmovedagain@reddit

Sounds like my father. Completely unpredictable reactions and random screening. It didn't even make me well behaved, if you're going to get yelled at anyway you may as well do whatever you like. If he couldn't be bothered or found it funny you could get away with stuff like coming home drunk at 14 ,which any reasonable parent would kick off about, but the next day you'd leave your shoes in the same place you've been putting them for weeks and it's a capital crime.

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XihuanNi-6784@reddit

These all scream 'personality disorder'. I know it's a judgemental term but for stuff like NPD and APD I really kind of don't care. Abuse is built into it in a way it just isn't for other mental health conditions. And they're extremely resistant to therapy or healing. It's tragic, but also scary as fuck.

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GreasedTea@reddit

Could you just…fucking not? There are other personality disorders and stigmatising shit like this doesn’t help anyone.

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HorseyBot3000@reddit

I relate so much. Also I would like to add: bringing their bad mood home from work all the time and taking it out on members of the household. I spent years wondering what I was doing wrong when there was no consistency, we would just be in trouble for reasons that were un fathomable.

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Wavesmith@reddit

Omg this is so like my mother too. So inconsistent. Some days I was her wonderful, beloved child, some days I was a disgusting creature she couldn’t stand to look at.

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liri_miri@reddit

1. Toxic family dynamics, and tolerating it. I had to learn how to set boundaries and how to leave relationships in my 40s, hope my kids learn a lot earlier 2. Smacking/ abuse. I grew up being picked on/hit by my brother only to be smacked by my mum for fighting. It created a pattern of accepting that the people who love you will at times also hurt you. I had to do a lot of work on this not to pass it on 3. Emotional immaturity. This existed all around me. Emotionally stunted adults, having tantrums. Needless to say I had to do a bunch of theraphy to learn how to manage my own emotions without guilt/shame/punishment

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RJDroffats@reddit

Tell them we’re getting divorced over Christmas dinner. Yeah, it really happened.

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EeveeTheFuture@reddit

Do you remember in the first Harry Potter book Harry talked about how his Aunt and Uncle didn't like him asking questions, any questions? My parents were like that. Any question I had was usually followed by "don't ask stupid questions" or "you're too young to know that" or "you'll learn soon enough" or "stop being nosy" I could have asked "why is the sky blue" and I'd get a response like that. I was a very curious child and just wanted to know how things worked or why certain things are the way they are. My parents left me fearing asking anything and I hid my curiosity about the world from them which led me to never really talk to them about my life/school and the things I would learn. The accessibility of the Internet for me as an adult has been an amazing thing and when I want to know something I can just have a look on Google or Wikipedia. My own daughter is 2 now and she constantly asks me questions, her favorite words are "what's that" and I will always answer her even though at this age she might not exactly understand the answer. I will never ever let her lose her curiosity and whatever questions she wants to ask I will answer for her and if I don't know the answer I will find out.

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Mother_Skin_4106@reddit

Ugh that lack of curiosity is a horrible environment, I love looking stuff up with my kids and getting excited to learn new things together, even if it is just something kinda silly it still gives us a shared understanding together that we can build on or just reference in conversations etc I am often sad for my under-stimulated younger self I was just always wondering about stuff and never having answers and then getting in trouble for being away with the fairies Google is the best I sometimes still can’t believe that it’s a real thing that I can just ask questions to at any time 🌈 what a world!

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XihuanNi-6784@reddit

It's not lack of curiosity it's fear of being shown to not being all knowing. They're clearly insecure people who rapidly realised that the scope of their child's curiosity massively outstripped their own meagre intellects (which is common tbh, children question everything). But instead of looking it up or just admitting ignorance, they punished the child for asking instead.

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Mother_Skin_4106@reddit

That’s actually very true, I find comfort in the fact that I’ll probably never run out of things to learn but every new thing to my mum is terrifying and an opportunity to get it wrong She was literally raised by a narcissist though I can understand how that happens, my family are the ‘thick and proud of it’ kind of people it boggles my mind and makes me sad, none of them are actually ‘thick’ at all but if you don’t try you can’t fail, right?

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kramer2006@reddit

Drink and smoke around the all the time.

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happy-mojo@reddit

I did not allow my 11 yr old kids to wear a house key around their neck and expect them to care for themselves and a sibling after school until an adult showed up around 6pm. I was responsible for the wood stove, dinner and my ADHD little brother. Now my mother gets annoyed when I don’t ask for help lol

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Limolashes@reddit

Omg me and my parents had a random girl come to a water park with us in Tenerife hahaha I would never do that now a days

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Scared-Delivery9254@reddit

My mum used to whack the shit out of me for being hyper with a wooden spoon... turns out I have autism and adhd. I would never lay a hand on my kid let alone use a wooden spoon.

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Ok-Music-3387@reddit

Letting me drink (small amounts of) booze at Christmas when I was like 8 years old

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ava050@reddit

Not care about them

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Hungry_B4I8@reddit

Heroin

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Pizzagoessplat@reddit

Tell them how hard it is to get qualifications for average jobs such as electricians and plumbers.

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Rasty_lv@reddit

My dad cheated on my mom.. So my wife won't have that issue with me.

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GeneralQuantum@reddit

UK sub. "Mom" Sus.

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Rasty_lv@reddit

Foreigner living in UK. Nothing sus..

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turbo_dude@reddit

It’s a symptom that something is wrong with the relationship. You can’t possibly know what will happen in the future. Just enjoy everything in life while it lasts.

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TheSaladLeaf@reddit

I'm sorry you had to go through this. I'm watching my daughter try and navigate this situation with me and her dad and it's bloody horrendous. With the benefit of hindsight, do you have any suggestions?

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idontlikemondays321@reddit

A liberal amount of freedom. I would wander through woodland all day or by the nearest pond or abandoned garages with other kids with no mobile or form of communication. I have difficult letting my kids walk around the block now without the urge to check on them though the window.

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XihuanNi-6784@reddit

We all know this is perfectly healthy and the world is actually more safe now than it was when this was common, right? Right?

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GeneralQuantum@reddit

>the world is actually more safe now than it was when this was common, right? Er. No.

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idontlikemondays321@reddit

Yes I know it’s safer but that doesn’t stop the worry

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uncertain_expert@reddit

I’m really hoping to be more like them.

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ManonegraCG@reddit

Same. But my reason is that I remember the stupid things we did at their age and I'm afraid they might hurt themselves badly.

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InviteAromatic6124@reddit

Not their fault, but if I had a child who exhibited even the slightest sign of having autism I would get them tested as early as possible. I wouldn't want by kids to go undiagnosed for over 30 years like me.

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JHEverdene@reddit

Same! I'm mid-30s and waiting for a test I could've had when I was 6. The stigma around autism in the 90s was terrible, and my parents unfortunately fell into that particular opinion pit...

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InviteAromatic6124@reddit

Yep, mine never thought twice about me having it because I was a well-behaved child in school who didn't have any of the behavioural issues commonly associated with autism at the time.

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nenepp@reddit

My parents tried to. But it was the 1980's and girls "couldn't get autism".

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GreasedTea@reddit

Same with my ADHD. Looking back it was absolutely clear as day bc I was a stereotypical hyperactive “bouncing off the walls” kid, but because I was also a bookish girl in the 90s it was completely ignored and everyone just treated me like I was being deliberately difficult. Getting diagnosed and on medication before the age of 30 would have completely changed my life for the better. I’m childfree but if I did have a child, I’d be watching them like a hawk for any ADHD traits and trying to help them straight away.

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Amaranyx@reddit

Yep I got diagnosed at 27 and my partner is suspected to ha e ADHD so we have been keeping a look out for our two kids. I would hate for them to go through life with no help just as my partner and I did.

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InviteAromatic6124@reddit

My partner may also have ADHD so if and when we decide to procreate, we have even more reason to get our children assessed as early as possible so they don't go through what we've both suffered.

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SavingsSquare2649@reddit

Even if suspected early and pushed for, it’s such a battle to go through diagnosis. We need a lot more funding for autism assessments and then the accompanying EHCP provision.

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InviteAromatic6124@reddit

It's still much easier toget a diagnosis when you're a child compared with getting it as an adult. There's a years long waiting list to be assessed under the NHS, I ended up going privately at a cost of nearly £1000 to go private to get a diagnosis within a couple of months.

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molluscstar@reddit

We’ve been persisting for two years but finally got an ASD diagnosis for our 8 year old. Despite being rejected by the ADHD team two years ago we’ve been told to get him assessed again so we’re back on that long pathway again now! I just want him to have the support he needs as he gets older.

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Negative-Mall6160@reddit

My mum and dad were the nicest parents but I used to have terrible red hot blushes , I was later diagnosed with acute social anxiety. Am sure they didn't mean any harm but if I spoke to a lad they would point out my blushing , it was really awful

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Top-Hat1126@reddit

Smack them

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HELJ4@reddit

My dad hated when we got disappointed by something. If we couldn't do something that had been planned and we were visibly disappointed he would tell us off for "being silly" and say "Don't be like that!" I didn't realise how much that affected me until I was an adult. Thinking about it, we weren't allowed to express excitement either because we always had to "keep it down". He meant well and I don't think he realised what he was doing. I see him doing it now with my nieces and I'm dreading him doing the same with my son. I need to find a way to say something but it's difficult to raise and he usually brushes these things off

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CleanMyTrousers@reddit

Constantly compare them to a rose tinted glasses version of myself at their age. Not understand that people have different hobbies, kids aren't mini me's.

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Teembeau@reddit

I always went at the hobbies thing as just trying to show my kids the things I liked and also showing them other stuff. Like one of mine got into photography which is one of mine, but she's also into ice skating and D&D (it's fascinating how much D&D is now a girl thing BTW).

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Mother_Skin_4106@reddit

Ughhh ‘why do you leave your homework to the last minute! when I was your age I used to do all my homework on a Friday night so I had the whole weekend to relax’ Bitch you left school without a single qualification, don’t give me your bullshit What doesn’t make sense to me is, I thought at the time that adults genuinely remembered it differently because it was a long time ago, but now I’m approaching grandma age and I can still remember my teenage faults and fuck ups pretty accurately, I could never expect my kids to live up to an ideal that I couldn’t live up to either and then shame them for it

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BigMassiveTigerShark@reddit

My mother and her boyfriend used to fuck a bunch in front of me. Didn't realise it wasn't normal until I was older. He also used to slip his tongue in my mouth as a game, and again i didnt know this wasn't nornal until i did it to my mum and she went apeshit. Needless to say it got worse and I'm a very broken adult as a result.

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sammoore82@reddit

Left us with a few quid to pay the pools man who was a stranger who used to come to the door and collect a slip ( a betting slip which you used to predict who would win the weekends football matches ) and the cash. I wouldn’t leave my kids with money to give to a stranger these days, too many chancers out there.

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Teembeau@reddit

I allow my kids to do this, because I assume that 99.99% of parents aren't going to cause harm to them. Or... if you're not going to let someone go off with a family you've just met, why do you let your kids go to school, where they hang out with lots of adults that you really don't know. Or go and see your neighbours? You think you know your neighbours or teachers because of the odd bit of polite interaction? I guarantee that one man in your street, someone that you see mowing the lawn and chat to about the match, is having sex with an underage girl who lives near you and came onto him. You don't know which because people don't exactly talk about the statutory rape they commit. I always felt safer with my kids going off with a family, even one I barely knew, because there's a wife and kids there. I was far more observant about them spending time with male sports coaches or music teachers.

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Jolly_Parsley@reddit

My mum never apologised to me and my parents never tell me or my sibling they love us, so when my first child is born next year I'll always tell him I love him and apologise to him when I need to. I also won't lock him in the car for not drinking enough water while he was at school, and if he suffers with mental health problems I won't shout stuff at him like "You should be cured by now". I just want to be kinder and more loving then my parents were to me.

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farlos75@reddit

Drive us all home drunk. It was pretty much the norm at the time but its still a bad move.

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vpkd95@reddit

Compare them to other people's kiss.

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thomhollyer@reddit

A bit of a heavy one, but use violence as punishment. And I'm not even talking a little smack on the bum. I was kicked so hard whilst already on the floor I literally went up two stairs. At 14 I was punched so hard in the face it completely undid the cauterization I'd been undergoing to treat recurring nosebleeds. And this was both parents; my mum and my step-dad. Turns out any behavioural issues I might have displayed as a child were due to undiagnosed autism. Then never laid a finger on my younger sister. I'm doing okay now; a lot of therapy means that I am far better able to cope with the depression and trauma I carried around for almost 2 decades of adulthood. I have an okay relationship with my parents, who live a couple of hours away, but we've never really had a proper discussion about how their treatment of me affected me for years, or why I don't particularly like going home (they still live in the house where all of this took place), especially at Christmas. I will never, ever, lay a hand on my children that way. Anyone that does is human garbage in my eyes.

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Familiar-Guava-5786@reddit

Smoking in the car with the kids in the back I was addicted to cigarettes before I knew what they were

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Ok-Lemon-5218@reddit

The opposite of this happened to me when I was a kid (might have even been in Tenerife OP, but I'm not sure). We met this girl at the pool and then the next day she ended up hanging with us at a waterpark. At the time my parents were pretty annoyed and felt bad for the girl, because it felt like her parents just kind of dumped her and expected us to babysit while they went and did their own thing. You're right that it feels super odd to allow, especially not long after Madeleine McCann.

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charlotte1471@reddit

Besides the little digs and comments that are guaranteed near on every time I see her. There's two that stick out the most: When the college counsellor told me I had depression and I worked up the courage to finally tell one of my parents. My mum: "No you don't. We don't get that in this family. " When I told my mum that I think my daughter suffers with anxiety. My mum: "Oh god! All the kids seem to have that these days. " Ironically, through some stuff that's happened, her own doctor has now diagnosed her with anxiety and depression. So, because I like to punish myself, I've been supported to my mum rather than throwing her words back in her face.

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BartokTheBat@reddit

My dad didn't really learn to be a parent til he retired. When we were kids we had mum and that dude who kinda looked like us, was hardly home and grumpy as hell sometimes. Other times he was so funny we laughed til it hurt. But he couldn't look after us if mum was away. When I was 18 and in pretty intense therapy for my mental health he tried to tell me I was fine and just needed a new job. Now I'm 30 and I've got a dad and idk what I'm meant to do with that. He's warm and loving and calls just to tell me he's thinking about me. He fixes things in my house and garden. He asks about my mental health and talks about his. Don't get me wrong, I love him to pieces. But I needed a parent as a kid. So my kids will have a parent always.

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CarpetGripperRod@reddit

Get off with another couple and leave me alone in the pub garden with a Vimto and a bag of soggy crisps.

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Ashwah@reddit

I'd never feck off to South Africa when my child is 7 for a new relationship, despite being the favourite parent.

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UnclaimedClock@reddit

Have them

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Full-Bad-7757@reddit

My parents didnt care about anything but themselves and left me alone the first chance they got. I just dont want to be like them in any way at all 😔

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sklatch@reddit

From around the age of seven or eight in the 1970s I was allowed out all day. My mum never had a clue where I was or what I was doing while she was work, and probably wasn’t even thinking about me. I was cycling for miles, swimming in rivers, climbing trees, exploring abandoned houses, building dens etc. Seems unthinkable now in this day and age, but it was a lovely, carefree, idyllic childhood in that regard.

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sittingonthecanape@reddit

Stop crying and cleaning your plate or I’ll give you something to cry about. This was like 2 hours after everyone else had left the table.

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sittingonthecanape@reddit

Clean

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aslanhatessmeagol@reddit

Guilt tripping like "I carried you 9 months" . It is not my fault for coming to this world.

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thetoastmonster@reddit

Conceive them.

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I-Like-IT-Stuff@reddit

Love them, because love is for chumps.

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Murder-log@reddit

Made me lol because I went on boat trips and everything with absolute strangers 🤣, it is completely insane by today's parenting standards.

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blobsywobsy@reddit

My mother - Getting married and / or moving in with random men over and over again and dragging the kids along with her. I’ve had more step dads than you can shake a stick at. My father - not paying child support and revolving his access days around a football season ticket.

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Sunshinny@reddit

Smoke cigarettes to the point there is a thick cloud of smoke lingering around everyone and the kids. Was normal back then.... Crazy.

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smoulderstoat@reddit

My Dad fucked off on my 10th birthday. I never did that.

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LittleSadRufus@reddit

Did he ever apologise / explain? I often wonder if as the years pass they come to regret these things. Or if they just never look back

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smoulderstoat@reddit

We have a good relationship these days, and I know he wouldn't do things the same way if he had his time over again. But it's certainly not something I would ever have thought about doing to my daughter.

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discombobulatededed@reddit

Yeah gotta wait till they’re at least 11

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Novel_Individual_143@reddit

Wow that’s harsh. Sorry to hear that.

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DepletedPromethium@reddit

Hit them or make them hit each other for some sick entertainment, my dad favourited me over my older brother and would make me hit him with him holding me essentially. Shout and raise my voice - i have like a primal cord snap inside me when someone yells at me because of that shit, puts me in a dark place, because they dont know how to converse or how to communicate so they just shout to make their point and to silence you. Silent treatment. If i meet a woman who has a kid, and i have a kid already, and her kid bullies my kid, im not going to do what my mother did which was stay with that person while her kid bullies and torments me im going to address the situation and tell my partner if she doesnt make her kid stop its over. nothing is more soul destroying than having your parents do horrible shit to you and never seem to take your side or have your back, nah fuck that im all about introducing change and i hate the way i was neglectfully "raised", i will never do what was done to me to another little one, even if they are covered in poop runnin aboot screaming while the cats on fire.

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Aphova@reddit

"You're so smart" or "you're so good looking/so pretty" as tempting as they are and as nice as it is for a child to hear. We decided to praise our children for things in their control, not intrinsic (often shallow) qualities they have no control over so that their self esteem isn't a lottery and they don't learn to value people based on their genes. "That was a very kind thing you did giving Bobby your toy to take home" or "We're really proud of how hard you worked on that school project".

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FoxNo5724@reddit

Telling them they ruined your life anytime they misbehave Keeping their childhood diagnosis of asthma a secret from them until adulthood Giving them alcohol as small children Haha lots

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PermissionMountain93@reddit

F I

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flingeflangeflonge@reddit

This thread is a whine festival.

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sadcrone@reddit

I started writing it out but couldn't post it all. My mum was quite abusive and it is largely why I don't have kids . That being said, we worked very hard to have a relationship as adults and I love the woman she is now and feel very sorry for her past self.

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dmmeurpotatoes@reddit

My mum considered it a great sport for everyone to gang up on one person and be nasty until they cried. It was usually me, but my brothers got it as well, plus cousins or other people who were in the house. I can't imagine being as nasty to anyone as my mum was and encouraged us to be to each other. Particularly not my kids, who are both gorgeous.

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Psycho_Candy_@reddit

Criticise their body. My mother put me on a diet at aged 6 (I wasn't fat, just not thin thin, and she was a Twiggy/The Shrimp era woman). She paid me 20p, saved up in an "Outline" low fat spread tub on top of the fridge for every day I managed to skip a meal. I'm now 50 and tge result is a lifetime of secret binge eating and food issues. She also had me at a plastic surgeon aged 9 having moles removed because "nobody will ever marry you with those revolting things on your face". Revolting things were a Marilyn style beauty spot and a few other tiny cute blemishes.

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happydayswasgreat@reddit

Over confied.

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Yaseuk@reddit

Have them 😂

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oglop121@reddit

Smoking inside next to them

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Auslark@reddit

My mother would once a week hit McDonalds for a thickshake and drink it in front of us three kids. She'd also insist the dry cat biscuits were tasty just to convince us to eat one. Not sure if she really liked them or just seeing how gullible we were. She'd acquire animals when she was bored then dump them when they became inconvenient. She once signed up to Telstra with my brothers name and moved state neglecting to pay the bill or turn the utility off. My brother was a few days shy of completing his first year of uni (Engineering) He had a 15-minute speech to complete his course. My mother was annoyed he was using her computer to do the assignment and deleted his speech two nights before the speech was due. He was so devastated he didn't even try to re-write it. I don't think he ever recovered from that betrayal. My mother was a terrible human

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Dutchymuchy@reddit

Leave my sextoys and porn just laying around for my kids to see.

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AutisticFanficWriter@reddit

Both - Smacking. Dad - Never apologising because he thought it made him look weak. Mum - Fretting and being constantly anxious over everything I do. Whenever I visit, I get told to be careful and drive safe when I leave. I'm 34 years old and drive for a living!

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Bambi1984@reddit

Absolutely everything.

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lav3nd3rstrxwb3rry@reddit

Hit me, yell at me, invalidate me, lie to me. I'll be doing none of that

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RichieEB@reddit

I once flagged middle finger at my mother and she got so mad she chased me down the stairs and held a knife pressed against it and shouted if I wanted to keep my finger and I was terrified and to this day I’m still scared by the look of her face when she did it. She would hitme and my twin bro work a big wooden spoon hard on our asses I would hide and scream in pure panic. I’ve never really gotten over that but a part of me thanks her for setting me straight better manners. Though this was when corporal punishment was still passed illegal it was only late 90s. I vowed I WOULD NEVER **DO** that to my own if I get any kids. ItIt scarred me. Forgive typing misspell I’m hospitalised typing with one hand. :)

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iliketohideincloset@reddit

Expose them to cigarette smoke...

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Menopausal-forever@reddit

Dangerous how? I let my son do that when we were on holidays a few times, and took other peoples kids place plenty of times.

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Pineneedle_coughdrop@reddit

Have kids.

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kairu99877@reddit

Wash their mouth out with soap. Mind you, it did effectively stop me swearing until the age of 16 in front of parents. And they only ever did it once. Never needed to again lol.

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cucumbersuprise@reddit

Swinging

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nivonav@reddit

I would not Hit them, abuse them, touch their genitals, scream at them, embarrass them with their friends..

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i-have-no-name123@reddit

Tell them I never wanted them. My mum always told me I was an accident and that she never wanted me (I am the youngest of 3 boys) I have 2 kids now, one was an accident but he is literally my best friend and they are both the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me

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edalcol@reddit

That's so sad! I was also an accident but I was always told the story like it was a good surprise because she thought she couldn't get pregnant anymore. There are definitely ways to talk about how a pregnancy was unexpected without making it sound like it was unwanted. I'm so sorry this happened to you! Glad you have wonderful children to do things differently now.

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delta-TL@reddit

I'm glad to hear from someone else whose "accident" story was positive/funny! My sister was from incorrect rhythm tracking, and I was a "foam baby". It came up when my mom was talking to us about birth control. It was the 70s, and our parents were hippy-boomers so we had early sex ed. We knew our parents loved us. We were wanted but not exactly planned.

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furrycroissant@reddit

Ahh yes, my mum also told me I wasn't wanted, I was a child of rape, but she didn't think abortion was a reasonable course of action so kept me. *Thanks mum*.

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el29@reddit

My kids dad tells them they were accidents, I say they were happy surprises (I was 19 with the first 20 with second so can’t lie now they’re teens) and that is one of the many reasons he is my ex.

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nospareusername@reddit

I hear you! I tell my kids every day they have a right to be here. They were wanted and having them felt like winning the lottery.

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astrogeek95@reddit

Everything. The neglect, the constant verbal and emotional abuse, not to mention manipulative tactics (that over time were figured out and did not work on me anymore). They isolated me and denied me so many opportunities at stuff I'd have loved to do or at least try out while they spent on their own little things/investments. The maternal side of the family, especially, is the most toxic, joining in or trying to act like victims while at it, which did not help, either. This will be the first year I'm effectively NC with them as I prepare to graduate from uni this upcoming year. Also, because of all this bs, I sincerely just don't want to deal with people lately. I'm completely spent emotionally.

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deadeyes2019@reddit

My mother, she did this with good intentions but if I ever had a problem or was upset, she would compare it to a similar but much worse situation she will have had, claim she managed and question why I was bothered. As a result my mother probably thinks I have a perfect life because I haven’t shared anything real with her in about 15 years

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roselighters@reddit

being told not cry is a big one, i was always told not to cry/being shh'ed that i don't even do with the kids i work with also i would give my kids chores - my parents are obsesive over cleanliness so didn't want us doing it. i get why they are like this but i think small chores are good for kids

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ThginkAccbeR@reddit

“Eating again slim?” “You turkey!” Big sigh “why are you so dramatic?” Three of the reasons I no longer talk to my mother.

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Empty-Taste-2777@reddit

Have children

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Objective-Bad-4051@reddit

Treated me like a child. Treat them like children and they will act like it.

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Valuable-Wallaby-167@reddit

Children are supposed to act like children. Acting like a child is not a bad thing

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Objective-Bad-4051@reddit

Depends on the age of them

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GlitchingGecko@reddit

Ok, so what age are you saying?

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Objective-Bad-4051@reddit

Treating an 8 year old like a 4 year old, treating a 16 year old like a 10 year old.

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GlitchingGecko@reddit

8 like 4 not really an issue, some 8 year olds are still very naïve. 16 year olds like a 10 year old isn't great though, they at least need *start* being taught how to be an adult by that age.

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Objective-Bad-4051@reddit

Equally if the kid is more on a par with a 10 year old despite being 8. My initial response was poorly worded.

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InviteAromatic6124@reddit

You sound like my abusive ex who wanted adults to talk to our (hypothetical) kids like adults instead of the age they were.

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Objective-Bad-4051@reddit

Ouch! That escalated quickly. Badly worded on my part. I mean treating the child with the maturity they have.

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Mother_Skin_4106@reddit

Well who wants kids being all kid-like, where you’ve actually got to guide and teach them and look after them and shit /s Also sounds a lot like my abusive ex who ironically is a giant man baby himself

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InviteAromatic6124@reddit

The very idea of kids acting like kids!

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sativador_dali@reddit

Hit them with a shovel, smoke with the windows up (I quit smoking when my first was born), belittle them, tell them I shared their most intimate secrets with my work colleagues, openly use drugs in front of them, patronise them constantly, undersell them at every given opportunity, blame them for my own shortcomings - blame Lies with me but I’ll twist the story, gaslight them, over burden them with responsibility and tell them they did it wrong, leave them out of family events because they choose not to go when they’re far too young to make those decisions, extort money from them etc etc.

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lithaborn@reddit

My MiL is a malignant narcissist, FiL is a wet lettuce, my dad was a physically abusive drunk and mom never wanted to be a mother and never took an opportunity to prove it So nothing. Our kids are adults but she we agreed and managed not to do anything the way our parents did.

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Anoif_sky@reddit

I feel wrong upvoting this. I’m so sorry for you both.

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jelly10001@reddit

Threaten to hit them with a hairbrush or a belt and threaten to beat them black and blue.

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discochaiselounge@reddit

I remember going to the seaside with a friend's family a few times. My mum was funny about us going swimming straight after eating dinner, I can't remember why but it was something to do with drowning from stomach cramps or something weird. Completely fine with us sitting in the boot of the car on the way to and from the beach

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Extra_Put7150@reddit

being so emotionally detached. i grew up in a household where feelings didn’t exist. crying? i’ll give you something to cry about. sad? you’re being dramatic. excited? calm down stop acting up. it made me really not know how to express emotions. to this day i still can’t be vulnerable or show any emotions around any of my family.

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AdTiny9443@reddit

My mum was an alcoholic. I spent many nights after school sitting in pubs in my school uniform or going to her friends house so she could get drunk. I've never taken my kids to a pub, and I very rarely drink.

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mashtates1@reddit

Not my friends but a sibling. Flinching at any sort of movement from ANYONE because I thought they were going to hit me. I could be in school and someone would go to grab their pencil etc. I don't do this anymore thankfully but I'd get strange looks when I flinched to guard myself from someone moving their hands about.

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pringellover9553@reddit

I’ll never squash their feelings, I’ll always make myself a safe space for emotions. I have a real hard time expressing my emotions and being vulnerable because I never had a safe space to have those emotions as a child. They’ll always be allowed to cry, scream, have a tantrum but I’ll teach them how to properly express that and talk through their feelings I’ll never make comments about their food or weight. I’ve had years of disordered binge eating (thankfully now resolved through therapy) because of this. Try to eliminate shouting and screaming, I want a calm household

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0nmute@reddit

Yes to this first one! I’m way into adulthood and I still struggle to work out my emotions and express them in a healthy way. Anger in particular makes me feel a lot of shame because whenever I was angry as a child I was made fun of and told to get over it. I can’t think of a single instance when my feelings were validated and listened to. Now when anger pops up I apologise profusely and get upset with myself for being angry, even when I have every right to be mad about a thing!

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Icy_Biscotti1719@reddit

Oh same. My mom would pour her problems out to me....which as a child wasn't healthy. I was not taught how to express emotions either. Now my mom is into toxic positivity but I don't think she even realises she is that way.

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Forgetful8nine@reddit

It's threads like this that make me realise just how polar opposite my parents were. Mum: amazing woman, love her to the moon & back! Always there, never forced us to do anything - but would encourage us. Dad: miserable fucker who spent most of his life avoiding us. It got to the point where he was verbally abusive to my sister - she was heavily pregnant and just found found out her landlord hadn't been paying his mortgage. Mum told her to move back home for a short while until she got herself sorted. He had a go, said some horrendous things - didn't realise mum was home and that she overheard. She actually swore at him and told him to fuck off! Now, my mother has the vocabulary of a saint - she just doesn't swear! To push her to that was...well, impressive! Anyway, off he fucked and the last 3 years of his life were spent in abject misery. He died a lonely, bitter, and twisted man in February this year. According to his brother, he realised his mistake but was too stubborn to admit it.

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013016501310@reddit

I was waiting for the typical British way of insulting someone when I read the bit about your mum Amazing woman, love her to the moon & back, but she can be a right **** sometimes!!

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Forgetful8nine@reddit

Don't get me wrong, she can be hard work at times lol But, I wouldn't change her for the world!

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013016501310@reddit

Sounds like you got a good one man!

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013016501310@reddit

Offer something, then when I say yes and they decide ‘oh shit I shouldn’t have offered that’ go back on it and use guilt as a way out. My mum was an expert of guilt tripping and still does it to this day.

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moosebeast@reddit

Been thinking about this one since it's nearly Christmas and I now have my own kids. We used to have to wait practically all day to open our Christmas presents. This was because our grandmother insisted it had to be done after the Queen's speech, which happened about 3pm or so. I don't think I've ever heard of anyone else having this rule and she wasn't even particularly a royalist. It meant we spent all day waiting to be able to open our presents (we were allowed one in the morning), I didn't really enjoy the lunch as I was just waiting for it to be over, and there wasn't that much left of the day by the time we did. You might say it taught us to be patient but now I actually think it was to the point of being cruel. Now, although it was my grandmother's rule, it was my parent's house so the more I look back on it I just think my mum should have told her no. But she never stood up for herself and worried too much about what people think, which are traits I definitely don't want to pass on to my kids.

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Sufficient_Ambition7@reddit

I won't take my young children to parties that go on until at least midnight with DJ, dancefloor and drunk family members/friends unless it's a significant occasion, even then I'll try save make arrangements so they can be at home if possible. My parents always attended every family wedding, anniversary, 50th birthday party or whatever age and I absolutely hated the parties. Would eventually fall asleep in a chair in a corner with the music vibrating my ear drums after being forced to awkwardly dance. Then when I got older I was able to sip parents alcohol without them knowing and enjoy them a lot more. Then I loved parties when I could order drinks.

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The_Queef_of_England@reddit

That's the thing, it probably isn't dangerous. Most people are normal and don't want to hurt you. It's a shit thing that things have changed and we're paranoid and suspicious. Still, I'm paranoid and suspicious, so wouldn't let my imaginary kids go either.

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Less-Willingness9103@reddit

"If you're well enough to shout. You're well enough to go to school" I was never allowed to stay home sick and I was a disappointment "you're hopeless" in the teenage years of bad periods and migraines. Cue an adult life of horrible health anxiety, people pleasing and generally trying not to be a disappointment. I'm 54 and I've only just got around to accepting that me being poorly doesn't make me less of a person. My own kids - if they weren't feeling well they stayed off. Was never a problem.

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Monkeylovesfood@reddit

Leaving them with a family friend/babysitter is the number 1 no no for us. The holiday thing is bonkers when you think back on it. We were pretty much left unsupervised most of the time. I vividly remember almost drowning at 5yo in Morocco when a huge wave hit. We were allowed almost free reign as long as we were in a group of kids. That same holiday I was invited out by Mohammed the son of the owner of a campsite and just left for a whole day without telling anyone. My parents were beside themselves when I returned. I was a 5yo little girl with blue eyes and white blonde hair. I had a fabulous time trying pastries, soups, fruits, clothes and jewellery. Something like that just couldn't happen with my own kids. They would never be unsupervised in a unfamiliar place let alone somewhere like Morocco. It took having my own kids to realise the panic my poor parents went through that day. I will say that although they were terrible parents, they did try. They provided a better life for us than their parents gave them. I wouldn't change a single thing about my past as I wouldn't be who I am today without it. At the very least it taught me what not to do with my own children.

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Graham99t@reddit

Never give the them coke and chocolate after playing sport.

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Spiritual_Ocelot1539@reddit

Give them too much freedom. Got myself into a few shitty situations.

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Araucaria2024@reddit

Forcing the child to do a sport/hobby just because the parents do it. I spent years doing a sport I never even liked, and was not allowed to do the one thing I really wanted to do. I've never forced my son in the sport I do now, he can choose his own interests.

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Icy_Biscotti1719@reddit

Oh boy. This is going on with a child in my family. The father has forced his son to play a sport since he was a toddler, he's now almost a teen. The father won't speak to him if he does "bad" at a game. It is insane. He is very clearly living vicariously through his son because he didn't excel at it as a child. Sad to see.

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londonmyst@reddit

Bring them anywhere near a picket line, abortion protests and convicted paedophile rapists.

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FilmFanatic1066@reddit

Smacking, extreme shows of aggression for the smallest trangressions.

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Hol_84@reddit

Move house constantly. I never had roots. They divorced when I was 7, so I was then bouncing between houses as well. I'm now a homeowner and have lived in the same house for 10 years. I love it and I'll never move. I love being able to give that stability to my daughter.

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ATSOAS87@reddit

Reading through this, my Mum just beating me seems pretty minor. Whatever she did, she always apologises even if she doesn't remember it. My Dad wasn't around, but I'm going to be in my son's life.

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SpaceGirl34@reddit

Yep, think it was also Tenerife. Man at the resort had a 4x4 with no roof and offered to take the kids for a trip around the block. Me, my sister and a bunch of other kids, no seatbelts, all jumped in and had a drive around. Much fun had by all, luckily. I couldn't imagine parents waving their kids off with an unknown man these days. We had so much freedom as kids and I think there was a lot of good in that.

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Typical_Ad_210@reddit

Boarding school. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful for the opportunity and the great education, and frankly my home life was so shit that I was glad to be away from my dad’s sexual and emotional abuse. However, it is such a bizarre situation for a young child to be in. Totally adrift, with no family around, very little space to call their own, no privacy, constant stress and pressure to get good grades, etc. I was very lucky to have my twin, so I didn’t feel so alone, but the sense of loneliness and abandonment in my peers was very clear to see. Nowadays (in our 40s), a lot of them are very superficially sociable in that they are undoubtedly very polite, chatty, seemingly confident, etc. but they have real problems forming genuine connections with other people beyond this superficial friendliness. They put up barriers, they’re emotionally stunted, institutionalised and the fact that they grew up without consistent family connections is clear. I would never do that to my kids. That said, it was still *far* better than if I had remained at home, so I guess for a minority of kids it is the lesser of two evils.

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cornish__pasty@reddit

Oddly, I also remember being a child in Tenerife meeting a girl one evening and her coming to a water park with us the next day. If it's any consolation my family were just discussing the other day how odd it was

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Particular-Echo347@reddit

Tell them that they are bad and whatever the emotion or event that has triggered a neuro devisive response is their fault because they are stupid/ badly behaved, etc. My parents where emotional vampires and very abusive. My kids need to know that I get it and I will help as much as I can.

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Pale-Garlic5523@reddit

I wouldn't leave them like my real 'dad' did. I wouldn't physically or sexually abuse them like my stepdad did. Honestly I don't think there is actually anything my mum did that I wouldn't do with my own kids. She's pretty awesome and if be lost without her even at my age.

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HotChoc64@reddit

Not being able to criticise them or have open discussions. I love my parents but my single issue is this feeling that “their way” is never wrong. They would just get personally offended or take it as “oh so we’re not good enough?”

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4gnieshk4@reddit

"Mum, I've been self harming" "Children do it to get some attention!" "Dad, I don't feel fine, I have a headache" "Don't overreact, you're fine!" "AAA! glass of water, please! It's hot!!" "You're overreacting, I've tried that, it's not that bad!" "I won't buy you these shoes, you completely lack any sense of what's pretty" "You could do some make up, take care of yourself, look how you look" I could go on and on and on... :(

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Impossible_Disk_43@reddit

>You could do some make up, take care of yourself, look how you look" And then they wonder why you have no confidence.

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dontwantablowjob@reddit

My own mother openly admits in a bragging type of way that she would drug me as a baby with Phenergan to get me to sleep when I wasn't sleeping which also was apparently all the time.

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Papa__Lazarou@reddit

Soap in mouth when using bad language, frequent black eyes and regular thick lip when being cheeky. It was the 70’s/80’s and they are good people - just had kids too young and it was the norm to be physical with kids - they constantly apologise now but they don’t need to because parents aren’t perfect and they did their best.

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i-am-a-passenger@reddit

I think it’s so sad how people will openly admit that they won’t give their own kids the freedoms they enjoyed

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PuzzleheadedFun663@reddit

Smoking.. in front of their asthmatic kid..

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Flibertygibbert@reddit

My mother didn't want to waste money on clothes, so she made my summer dresses sleeveless and shapeless. She also refused to let us have white socks or white cardigans, to save washing. I made a lot of my daughter's clothes when she was small, so she always had at least one frilly, pretty dress 😂

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BreakfastSquare9703@reddit

I've seen *The Man Who Knew Too Much*. This sounds like a recipe for disaster

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jkeepcup@reddit

Yep this happened to me 😂

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readitreddit240@reddit

I won't raise my son as a Jehovahs witness....fuck that

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yourmomsajoke@reddit

I'm a bit triggered, some of these really unlocked some memories. I just wanna give everyone a wee bro hug, sometimes parents are shit and I'm sorry so many of us have experienced it. My dad's a hard man 🙄 and my mum was a proper 80s bimbo. He's a cunt and she's a good person but an altogether horrendous mother.

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fleetwood_mag@reddit

My parents were exactly the same…on our many trips to the family timeshare in Tenerife! Yeah I’d never allow that with my daughter in the future. I’ll never hit my daughter with a wooden spoon, slipper or my hand also. I’ll never let her have a tv in her room also. That was generous of my parents but ultimately led to us spending less time together and me watching far too much tv.

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ZeroCool5577@reddit

Be really randomly nasty for no real reason

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Mindless-Macaroon-61@reddit

You literally said they were bad parents. That's moaning

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freckles0811@reddit

Bullying them about being overweight while simultaneously hating cooking for them so feeding them 2-3 takeaways a week

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FPSzombie@reddit

Mostly my father tbh. Constantly shout and belittle me; making choices about my future without me getting a say; hitting, kicking, grabbing by the caller and shouting in your face. Refusing to accept that mental illness/mental disorders are real. Forcing you to eat everything whether your hungry or not, then shouting and swearing at you for being sick. Doesn’t listen to other points of view. Just to list a few things. Oh, and pissed off cause he couldn’t be bothered to raise twins.

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Sudoocream@reddit

Taking my kids to the pub all the time. It’s such a cultural thing here. Even on St Patrick’s day for live music, I would never take them. I grew up in a pub and it traumatised me.

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heretocallthebot@reddit

The old driving back drunk with us kids in the boot/trunk because some randomer was in my seat

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cari-strat@reddit

Sitting in the car with a coke and a bag of crisps while your mum and dad went for a pint.

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heretocallthebot@reddit

Sometimes I was even allowed to sit on a bench in the garden

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cari-strat@reddit

Ooh you lucky bugger.

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heretocallthebot@reddit

Spoilt wasn't i

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Accomplished-Art7737@reddit

Wow you’ve just unlocked a childhood memory. I went on several of these trips with random families of friends I’d made on holiday. Now questioning whether my parents were trying to get rid of me 🤣

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eat-the-bourgeoisie3@reddit

Force me to hug relatives and friends. It made me so uncomfortable as a child and I’ll never ever force my kids to do it.

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Forgetful8nine@reddit

My mums best friend used to think it was funny to try and force me into giving her a hug. I hated it. My mum was always telling her off for it!

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UndercoverKat@reddit

Party on a school night, the amount of times my parents would have a “party” when I had to be up for school in the morning causing me to get no sleep then for them wonder why my grades were slipping (but not really care) is astonishing. Luckily I pulled through and now make more than either of them ever had in their lives.

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ManofKent1@reddit

Emotional and physical abuse.

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Zubi_Q@reddit

Beat them

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Wavesmith@reddit

Hit me. And scream in my face. Both of which I’ve never felt the need to do with my kid. To be honest she’s almost three and I don’t think I’ve ever shouted at her, although I did slam the door on the way out of her room once.

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sallyhops@reddit

Make them eat at the table

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motherof_geckos@reddit

Have them, for a start

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YchYFi@reddit

I used to hang out with all the kids on a caravan holiday and go to their houses. How weird now thinking about it.

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Shoddy-Prompt-5388@reddit

Smack me.

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Miss_Doodles@reddit

Constant aggressive arguments in front of us

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Menyana@reddit

Constant threats, constant shouting, insults, controlling behaviour.

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TrumpleIVskin@reddit

This was my grandparents, rather than my parents: If my 8 year-old son (or grandson) wandered into the kitchen covered in cement dust and mud, proudly holding a hubcap that he'd found while playing in a skip, my response would not be "Brilliant, go back and see if you can find the other three."

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