How to deal with parents struggling to let go?

Posted by IndependentGolf5421@reddit | AskUK | View on Reddit | 72 comments

I have lived under the wing of my parents for the better part of 25 years, they have controlled everything, what college i have gone to, where I go, what I do, everything. It is all to do with money as well, their way of puppeteering the whole state of being. They have been 'trying to help' because they 'know better' and because they have 'been through the same things so know more'. The issue arises because they are unwilling to let go, to let me live my own life, to have my own experiences, i need to experience everything that I do with them. No you can't have a car, you need to live walking distance from your work, here's college accommodation but it's two bedrooms so that we can show up whenever we want, sport is something you can do at another time, just focus on your studies otherwise we will get upset and argumentative, no you can't spend time with your friends because holidays are when we get to spend time with each other. The most important thing however is that they do not and will not ever respect my adult opinion as i am their only child, the youngest in the family, I do not know enough to make up my own mind, they want to control my life. How do i close things off, leave then nest and live on my own? I am more than happy to pay them back if that's what they are after. I just want things to run my way in my life for a change. As a bit of insight, reasons for not getting a car so far include: your mother can drive you around, we didn't have a car at your age, you need to be more mature, there are so many accidents nowadays that you would be better off driving in ten years time.

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72 Comments

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Al-Calavicci@reddit

The only thing you can do is move out.

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IndependentGolf5421@reddit (OP)

I am not being sarcastic when i say that they wouldn't "allow" it

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Jazs1994@reddit

So what are they going to do to stop you? You work so you're in control of your finances. If you aren't, that needs to change first so you can move out

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aerialpoler@reddit

You said in another post that you're moving to the US. Are you moving with your parents? If so, is there a reason (beyond them being insanely controlling) that you can't stay in the UK?

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TheHalfwayBeast@reddit

Genuinely, how would they stop you?

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IndependentGolf5421@reddit (OP)

i don't even know but im sure they'd come up with something spur of the moment like guilt tripping or the like, "we are becoming old who is going to look after us" etc,  The old "I'll put you in a care home" line hits a bit close to home these days :/

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Meowskiiii@reddit

Have you considered talk therapy? It could help you unravel your thoughts and feelings around your parents and enable you to separate what is yours and what is theirs, so to speak. A therapist could help you come up with a plan of how to get your life under your control.

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ItemAdventurous9833@reddit

I think you need to be brave and go for it.

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palebluedot365@reddit

That’s coercive control. Your parents are abusing you. In a loving and probably well-meaning way.

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theTickledPickIe@reddit

Just be honest. You've got to grow a spine. Tell them they're pushing you away and if they don't give you the space you're asking for it might end up driving you apart more permanently. Leave for a short vacation to drive the point home and discuss it properly when the dust starts to settle.

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No-Rule5234@reddit

This isn't about growing a spine, it's literally the same psychology as domestic abuse. "Why don't you just leave?"

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theTickledPickIe@reddit

It starts with confronting the problem.

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No-Rule5234@reddit

I think they already did that Captain Obvious.

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Slothjitzu@reddit

They literally haven't tbf. They're asking how to avoid the problem if anything.

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theTickledPickIe@reddit

In what way have they confronted the problem?

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elmo_touches_me@reddit

So they'll use emotional manipulation to guilt-trip you in to staying. It is possible to say 'No.' to your parents. That's the first thing I think you need to learn before you can get out of this situation. Saying no, and being prepared to ignore whatever they throw at you to try to stop you. You are in control of your own life. Do not let your parents continue to tell you how to live your life. There was once a time when they lived their lives without you. They can learn how to do that again. They're grown adults, it's not your responsibility to cater to their every whim.

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OccidentalTouriste@reddit

That is not them preventing you from leaving it is you caving to emotional blackmail. Being prevented from leaving is them physically restraining you and depriving you of your liberty. You are complicit in your predicament.

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2023mustgo@reddit

Don't tell them. Get it all planned and arranged, then one day while they are not in you take your stuff and go. Don't even contemplate telling them your new address, just tell them on the phone that you don't live with them anymore but will still call and visit as long as they treat you with respect and as an equal adult.

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zephyrmox@reddit

> i don't even know but im sure they'd come up with something spur of the moment like guilt tripping or the like, "we are becoming old who is going to look after us" etc, Then you have to stand up for yourself.

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TheHalfwayBeast@reddit

But they can't physically stop you, take your money, or call the cops?

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Puzzleheaded_Oil1745@reddit

Yeah it’s typically for abusive parents to day that. Let’s not beat around the bush, they are abusers. You need to escape and NOT tell them where you have moved. You need to learn how to establish clear boundaries but most likely you’ll need therapy help to be able to do that.

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aerialpoler@reddit

Then don't tell them. Just organise it all so by the time they find out (ie on moving day) it's too late to argue about.

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technurse@reddit

I hate to say this because I don't have all the information, but it sounds like you're in a very toxic situation. As an adult, you cannot "not allowed" to move out. You're an adult. You're allowed to do anything within the bounds of the law. You're also, now fairly well into the age of societal expectation of moving out. That's not to say you should, but you are going to have to eventually. The longer it takes, the harder the learning curve will be. Worst case scenario is they die, which let's be honest will happen eventually. If you haven't learned to navigate the services and government structures around living alone you're really going to struggle. You could end up living with them until you're in your 50s. If they then die you have to navigate owning/renting a home, moving, council tax, gas and electric, phone, internet and moving subscriptions. Believe me, you do not want to do this in your 50s. It's a hell of a lot easier to fuck this shit up in your early years. This is coming from someone who managed to set fire to an oven glove, while it was on my hand. Mistakes need to be made, make them early.

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Low-Total9121@reddit

Sounds like you're fucked then. Seriously, time to grow up. You won't get respect until you do something to deserve it.

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SystemLordMoot@reddit

From your post you're at least 25, they can't do anything to stop you. You're an adult, I assume you probably have a job, go start looking for flats. That's literally your way out.

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elmo_touches_me@reddit

What does that mean though? You are 25. You have a degree and a job. You have all you need to move out. Are they going to lock you in your room? Barricade the front door to stop you from leaving? If so, that's blatantly abusive and you need to lie to them to help you escape what is effectively a prison. If they'll just be really mad/upset with you for moving out, that's their problem, and nit your responsibility. You're 25, you're a grown adult and they need to accept the harsh reality that their kid grew up, as all kids do.

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LadyBigSuze_@reddit

Be honest with yourself here. You don't really mean they wouldn't allow it. What you mean is, they would be very upset about it. Obviously, they don't morally or legally have the power to stop you. You are giving them this power as a result of their emotional manipulation. You are unwilling to upset them and will continue to live a life that is restrictive and unfulfilling just to avoid rocking the boat. You've got some serious thinking to do. Personal growth is a good thing. Why aren't your parents as worried about upsetting you? Why do they not care for your happiness and wellbeing the way you do for theirs? It is not selfish to want to experience life. It is not selfish to want to live independently. You are not abandoning your parents by living your own life. You are not responsible for their emotions. You are a real person and you matter.

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2023mustgo@reddit

How do you think they might try to stop you? Any physical attempt would be illegal.

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Al-Calavicci@reddit

In that case 🤷‍♂️

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JayKobo@reddit

I know it’s easier said than done as I am not in this particular situation… but you can just leave you know? If you’re 25 and earn a salary, what are they going to do? Physically restrain you?

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Typical_Nebula3227@reddit

You move out and when they say no to something you ignore them and do it anyway. At your age they can only control you if you let them.

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Scragglymonk@reddit

wow, control freaks for parents ? find your passport, birth certificate and keep them you can live without their reliance, but you should not expect financial help, so renting, driving etc. certainly good to be able to walk to work, also good to see friends at weekends maybe get friends to help you and one day you stay at the new address, maybe a new phone number as well instead of returning to the parents house ?

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claireauriga@reddit

There are things you can't do because you are physically unable, don't have the money, are not qualified for, or they're illegal. There are also things you can't do because your parents will socially and psychologically punish you for doing or trying to do them. Take a good hard look at your life. Many things which you think are in the first category are actually in the second. The threatened psychological punishment can be constant nagging, cold-shouldering, shouting, being rude or dismissive, things that make you feel uncomfortable with going against their wishes. After a long time, they may not even need to actually threaten those things, you'll imagine a vague terrible consequence all by yourself because you've been trained to. You self-censor your own desires and actions so you don't run up against your parents' disapproval. They may not be doing this 'on purpose'. They may think they're doing what's best for you. They may think of it as an act of love. But taking away all your agency is hurting you and a good parent would put your needs above their fears/desires. You have lived in those patterns all your life, so your brain is trained to believe that this is how things work. It takes time to overcome that training. You can start by looking for the differences described in the first paragraph, and try to make sure that when you talk to yourself, it's with the voice of a hypothetical parent/mentor who believes you're competent and capable and wants you to be happy and make your own choices. This will start loosening their hold on you.

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BibbleBeans@reddit

Three months ago you were a 50yo dude with prostate cancer?

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Pitmus@reddit

FFs stop leaching off then then. Just leave and stand on your own two feet! If you’re in their house or they are paying anything, they get a say. You must have loads saved by now with you not spending anything or getting into debt. Every bird flies the nest. Fly, my pretty, fly!

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cheviot@reddit

You need to leave these abusers as quickly as possible.

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WalesnotWhales2@reddit

This is painful, just move out otherwise this is on you.

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Jobseeker36@reddit

Move out, take control of your life, stop blaming them and take action

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-advice4m3@reddit

Going through the same thing

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Schmicarus@reddit

you could ask how they learnt the lessons they learnt when they were your age. Not in a passive aggressive way. Just genuinely ask them about the lessons they learnt. Ask for examples, what was the situation, what happened as a result, how did they cope, how did it impact them, what did they learn from each experience. You could ask them if they think you're going to experience the same experiences as they did. You could ask them how devastating do they think it would be if there was a risk that you might experience the same or similar things as they did. Maybe ignore the last two paragraphs depending on how it goes but getting them to remember who they were back then might get them to realise that we need to have experiences if we're going to learn anything.

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ClassicFMOfficial@reddit

Asian parents, by any chance? Hopefully once you get a job it'll either get better, or you make it better (set boundaries/move far away)

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Consult-SR88@reddit

I thought this as soon as I read the OP. I grew up the same. My first 18 years I was locked in the house & not allowed to go anywhere or see anyone outside of going to school & my weekend job. I look back now & recognise that was abuse, & neglect. I packed a bag in secret when I was 18 & left. Put a note through their door along with my key & never went back. I just learnt to survive from then on. Yes, they were upset but the impact on them was nothing compared to the damage they’ve caused me as an autistic child given zero chance to develop socially & emotionally because of their “culture”.

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IndependentGolf5421@reddit (OP)

you've seen right through me :)

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ExplorerNo4668@reddit

Ah then unless your willing to move out, things are not going to get better. Sorry to say this, but I'm a fellow British Asian. Your living in a dream world if you think there is a way of changing your parents.

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LittleSadRufus@reddit

Apply for a year long Australian working visa, fuck off to Australia for a year and do summer jobs etc, learn your capabilities and independence, come back to UK and use your newfound experience and confidence to finally cut your umbilical cord. Don't tell your parents you're leaving until a few weeks before. Make sure you've already secured your passport before you tell them. If you're in university, ask for a year out / deferral to allow for this. If working, either quit or get a sabbatical of that's possible and it matters to you. But you're only 25, you'll find other jobs. You really need to be making your own decisions (and mistakes) in your 20s. Every parents job is to prepare their child to function as an independent adult, and your parents have failed completely. If they've done that badly, how can you trust any other decisions they make?

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JN324@reddit

It must be very difficult to actually do, having been raised like that, but you’ve been a legal adult for the better part of a decade, you need to rip off the plaster and just do it. Stand on your own two feet. There’s nothing stopping you working, getting your own place, paying your own way and looking after yourself, and there’s nothing they can do to stop you. It’s tough but it doesn’t mean you don’t need to do it, it’s either that or live like a six year old with helicopter parents owning your life in perpetuity.

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Ollie_002@reddit

Wow I’d have loved more involvement from my parents but this is excessive. I’m 20 with a passion for learning, knowledge and education. My dad passed away in 2016 so my mum was raising me on her own pretty much and she was quite uninvolved, didn’t really reassure or encourage me and I was only provided with ambiguous and vague answers to my queries. In your situation I would ask your parents for a roadmap out of their household and how best they can prepare you; your parents obviously love micromanaging you so to an extent you need to cater for that.

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Gloomy-Debate-7064@reddit

A roadmap? The person is 25.

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Ollie_002@reddit

So what?

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margot37@reddit

Do you have a job? That's all that you require to move out. But you can't have your cake and eat it and expect your parents to support you financially but stay out of your life and let you do whatever you want.

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Icy_Biscotti1719@reddit

Move out and set boundaries.

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CoffeeIgnoramus@reddit

As there isn't all this info in your post (as of writing this): - Do you have an income? Are they paying anything for you? - Have you actually sat them down and told them this outside of times when it comes up? This is very important that it is not when it comes up as people become defensive in the moment and you're already annoyed. - What's physically stopping you moving out?

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SpecificStrawberry55@reddit

I have had a very similar situation growing up. Not as sheltered but very controlling parents. The only way I’ve managed to do stuff is to push back, say no I want to do it this way and this is why. Fighting with reason has been the only way for me. I earn my own salary now which has been helpful in order to push back more because it’s my money I can do what I like with it. But if you’re fully reliant on them it’s harder. Seeing your friends in the holidays I would be saying I’m going out from this time and I’ll be back and we can do something on X day. If you’re just chilling in the house not really doing something together say there is no need to be with them all day.

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IndependentGolf5421@reddit (OP)

oh yeah, there's the other thing, they seem to think that everyone is perpetually out to murder me so i should just stay locked up at home, they call every couple of hours to make sure that I am there and we get into huge arguments if they figure out i am not.  They even started to track me after getting access to the find my password somehow. LMAO

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PantherEverSoPink@reddit

Oh ok, I see you, Asian DAUGHTER. Yeah, in, I'm sorry, I don't know what to say. It's ridiculous because of they can't see what "danger" you're in, they don't care. But if they can SEE you going out on the evening, or getting a lift with a man, or...... walking down the street, then they can't let go of the danger you're in, they obsess over it. What do I mean I was at home when a male tradesman came? I should have made my husband take the day off work. It's a lot, I know. Are there any British Asian subs where maybe people might understand a little bit more, other than "just move out and cut them off"? It's hard, I know. Try talking to other older relatives. Ask them how they expect you to manage when they are gone. Is the issue with driving that they don't want you to have a male instructor, would a female one be better. Try talking to your trusted friends, even if just to sound off. Keep nudging, keep pushing. I really believe that no small part of parents doing this is to make marriage seem more appealing, as a way to get independence. I'm not saying that's not an option for your long term future, but they need to realise that having your own life isn't the opposite of what their plans are. Good luck. I hope you get somewhere. Look after yourself x

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Pazuzuspecker@reddit

No LMAO that's them stalking and abusing you, at 25 years of age they're behaving appallingly I sympathise, my parents were also controlling and overbearing though not to the extent you describe. You really need to remove the tracking app, move out and change your number, then you have control over when to speak to them. I'd suggest you find other ways to push them to arm's length otherwise you will be suffocated. Best of luck!

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SpecificStrawberry55@reddit

Oh I get that as well, I have to “buddy up” just in case I get murdered. I get texts and all sorts of I do not report my location. So before I go, I say I’m going here and I’m with these people (they have met… ) and I’ll be back at this time. After a few of those it gets better, in my experience.

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Dizzy_Charcoal@reddit

so long as they don't control your finances they cannot stop you from moving out, or buying yourself a car, or anything else. you'll need to make a plan. if you tell them your plan they'll talk you out of it so very important you don't say a word, move out first *then* tell them what you've done. a bit of distance will make saying no that much easier.

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Ok-One-6087@reddit

Same as mine so I have no contact with them and I do not regret it

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ExplorerNo4668@reddit

Can I ask what your ethnic background is?

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urtcheese@reddit

Are you financially reliant on them? If not, just move out and stop talking to them. If you are reliant then find a way to stop being reliant and do as above.

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Ancient-Function4738@reddit

My seem harsh but it’s what you need to hear. Grow some balls. You are 25 years old and the word “no” is in your vocabulary. You should have moved out already if you have a job and can afford your own place.

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Firebrand777@reddit

Glad it’s not just me 😂 “do NOT buy a car!”

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matthewgoodwin1@reddit

You are going to hate the answer but I think you know what we’re going to say and you’ll hate it….but….. You’re going to have to move out and not tell them until you’ve left and don’t tell them where. It will probably be one of the hardest things you’ll ever do but it’s something you’ll have to do. You’re 25. If not now, when? The longer you put it off, the harder it will be. Make sure you have all the important documentation with you (Passport, Drivers license, NI card, Birth certificate and a copy of utility bills/ bank statements with your name on). They will try to guilt trip you. They will make you look like the bad person but OP, it’s all lies. They’re abusers and helicopter parents. I had to deal with this. The first few weeks will be hard but trust me, it will get easier, you’ll discover your own boundaries that you’ll set and over time things will get better but you’ll have to take that first step (even if it means staying at a friends for a few weeks until you find your own place).

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Eyupmeduck1989@reddit

You can’t control other people’s behaviour. All you can do is enforce your own boundaries. Move out. Make your own decisions. Don’t let them into your apartment if you don’t want them there. Yes they’ll probably be upset at you standing up for yourself but their reactions are not your responsibility.

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1968Bladerunner@reddit

Move out - lock, stock & barrel - only way to take control, go LC if you have to get it through to them that you're serious but ensure you're self-sufficient enough to not have to go back to live there. I was younger of 2 & did it at 17, biked or bussed everywhere - didn't bother learning to drive 'til I was 23.

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ClockworkSkyy@reddit

I think OP needs to grow a spine.

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No-Photograph3463@reddit

Honestly if they are as controlling as they seem, go round a good friends house and organise finding a room or flat to rent or something as I assume you are working and can afford to move out. Then when it's all sorted etc just leave them and live your own life. If they don't like it then you just need to accept it and not speak to them till they come to their senses.

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chichimcghee@reddit

As soon as I read this I knew it would be a cultural thing and as such I have no advice because I’m from a different culture. I have two good friends (both women) one from a Pakistani family and one from an Indian family. Both had to walk away at a young age in order to live the life they wanted, with the latter actually living a somewhat double life for over 10 years (hiding her boyfriend who eventually became her husband that whole time). It’s easy for people to essentially say “grow a set” when they don’t come from that life. For them it meant going through sorts of big life things without family support. Marriage, children, house buying, jobs, illness, all that and that’s extremely hard. I know for both of them it meant not just leaving their family behind but also almost their whole community. It’s very hard and I’m thinking of you OP. I hope life all falls into place eventually.

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Allaboutmodels@reddit

I packed my bag and left home. I’ve never been happier. I achieved great things and learnt a lot about myself . I refuse to allow anyone control me. I’m on my way to visit my sweet mother anyway. Move out, they will learn to adjust, everything is not about them.

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AdrenalineAnxiety@reddit

You need to move out and not rely on them financially. You say in another post your parents won't allow you to move out - by that I assume you mean they won't pay for you to do so? If finances aren't an issue, there is literally nothing they can do to stop you that is legal other than emotional blackmail. Emotional blackmail only works because you let it. Your parents are extreme, controlling and not normal. Rather than helping you they have set you up for a decade of therapy. And that shows because you think that you need their permission to actually have your own life. You don't! If you have any joint finances, separate them immediately. If you have important documents - birth certificate, passport, obtain them. Look for somewhere to live. Present them with a timeline "On x I am moving out." That's it.