Guilt and Sadness about missing family
Posted by hudsonvall@reddit | expats | View on Reddit | 31 comments
I've struggled for a long time with missing out on the daily relationship of being with my family. I feel guilty about leaving my mom, even though she has my sister, my sister's family, and my dad around. We're all very close, but as time goes on and I've been gone longer, I feel more separated from them, though not less emotionally close. It's just the sense of being so far (New York to Europe) and having no control over seeing them more than a few times a year (I know that's more often than a lot of people get). Missing out on all that time with my nieces. Getting coffee with my sister. Running errands with my mom. Watching Twilight Zone with my dad.
I know that if I lived at home, I wouldn't cherish every moment. It would become normal and I'd take my time with them for granted, just out of the necessity of everyday living. I know my life where I am has a lot of perks and benefits. I'm happy to be with my husband here. And yet, I always come back to this guilt and sadness and I can't reconcile it.
Any advice?
dive-in2-water@reddit
I feel you so much and I have not found the answer. Life gives us lots of opportunities and at the same time, changes, like moving abroad, can put you far away from your family. I had been constantly having the fear of my parents getting sick or older. Unfortunately when I moved away to Europe, my mom got diagnosed with cancer, 4 months later after moving. She had been brave struggling for 6 years. I visited and stayed there a lot, but she could not survive this life taking disease.
Those emotions are strong. Whenever I visit my family, I am so lucky speding time with them. Knowing my father is getting older too, the same for my brother and sisters.... I wish there was a clear answer. I am surrounded by people I love, both in hometown and abroad.
I find it so interesting whenever I talk to people that have never lived abroad, thinking of moving to a new place. Moving abroad is exciting it challenged me and my point of views. I got the feeling that I can do things, learning new language, study with this language, making so many good friends etc. You learn so much about yourself, and it can become your second home. However it gets tricky over the years, and while you hear your friends, in your hometown talking about leaving, you sometimes wish you were back. For them, it's a completely whole new world, but for you, it's a constant struggle between past, present and future.
I know for fact, that my family miss me when I am abroad. I know for fact that I miss them too. After so many years it's not even so hard to imagine myself coming back, the things I used to hate much became tolerable with a different perspective.
And no, it's not all unicorn and butterflies in hometown, but the big question is rather this family you grew up with, this one is so afraid to lose over time is in reality capable of calming our minds against all the weird things happening in the world. I don't know where I want to grow older, and it's not all so clear.
CandidateMurky4450@reddit
I want to thank the person who started this thread for their vulnerability and to many people in the comments with beautiful, hopeful, inspiring stories and suggestions. I’ve been living in Austria for about 3 years now with visiting my family being possible about twice a year as well (summer and christmas). I feel like my whole person is torn in two because I love my life in Europe and the friends, partner, and study program that I have as well as simply daily life. But I love my family so much, they’re so integral to me and are my emotional rock.
It breaks my heart to think about the extent of moments with them that I miss out on. And I feel so racked with guilt and self-doubt some days that I feel like maybe I should just move back to where they are.
Currently, 3 of my american friends who were also studying in europe are in the process of moving back to the states now that they’ve graduated. It makes me really doubt myself and my choice to live abroad because it feels like i’m “betraying” my family in comparison to these friends who are moving back closer to home.
I think investing in the digital time that I spend with my family and treating it as just as valuable and integral as in-person time is going to be a new commitment for me. I need to view it as the backbone of our relationships instead of just something that tides us over until the next in-person meeting (which is how I think I was subconsciously viewing it)
deleted_by_reddit@reddit
No advice, just here to say I empathize with you. I've been living abroad for 5 years now and it doesn't go away. It feels like nostalgia for a life I'm not living.
deleted_by_reddit@reddit
[deleted]
hudsonvall@reddit (OP)
Does it really go away or do you just learn to live with it? Do you really come to a place of peaceful acceptance about the decision?
windowseat1F@reddit
I’ve been away for 20 years and I feel guilty and deeply sad every damn day. I have an amazing family, truly special people. I traded them for croissants and mountains and tango halls. I truly missed out on decades worth of little moments.
Cannabuswordfish9710@reddit
If you truly felt that way for 20 years you would of went back I could never leave my family but each to their own
RealisticSmell1709@reddit
Some of us can't afford it. I've also been away for 22 years. I used to go back every year. Now I can't.
BroncosNumbaOne@reddit
Why did you move / stay moved then?
windowseat1F@reddit
I never meant to go. I never meant to stay.
alibabaaaax@reddit
This comment holds so much weight and truth
RealisticSmell1709@reddit
I'm reading this at 4 am through a google search because a dream about being away from family woke me up. I've been away for 22 years and it hasn't gotten any easier. I used to go back every year to see them but now I live so far away and I've ended up with no money so that I can't see them at all. The heartbreak is real. The guilt, everything you mentioned. To make matters worse, I feel their disconnect with me. I'm not around, they've all moved on. It feels like having been buried alive.
toufickhan@reddit
Just read your post now 3 years after this was written. Guilt and sadness kept me awake, it's the feeling of knowing things won't be the same as before, everyone is growing older as time passes by....
xpactsno2@reddit
I feel exactly like this... I just want to be closer to them.
Silly_Tea_6008@reddit
EXACTLY what I’m feeling right now. And it seems like it’s harder to handle every year that goes by and somehow a part of me is dying every year. Even when I talk to my family, well more like aunts and uncles, cousins, on the phone if they are over when I call my parents, it’s like I’m forgetting how to talk to them naturally. It’s tripping me out these days
xpactsno2@reddit
I feel the exact same. 8 years in Europe, coming from Indonesia.
Fine-Football-4692@reddit
Been away for 20 years. I've been back 3 times... I'm currently back in uk and feeling very sad as I notice relationships I haven't been part of. My son has also missed out on family connections. It's a weird feeling. I've spent 20 years being sad at the loss...
OkBoot3502@reddit
Just here to empathize as well🥲 I’ve been living abroad my whole life, in fact have never lived in my motherland and have only visited it. I’ve moved to three different countries and every time I go back to India it feels like a knife to the heart just to even leave my family because we get to see them so rarely. And now with my going away to college and my parents and doggo staying in a whole different continent, I feel so conflicted between deciding to see which family I have to see, the one in India or the one in Peru😭
languidhive@reddit
I also live in France, but my family lives in the US. It’s been almost 5 years now and honestly I never anticipated it getting more difficult the longer I stay….I think before my family thought I wouldn’t be staying in France long, but now that I’ve started becoming more established here they’re realizing this is a long-term thing. I’m lucky in that I usually see my family about twice a year, but the leaving part just gets harder and harder. It makes my mom so upset and I feel guilty about leaving her, especially now that they are getting older. Anyway, a lot of complicated emotions so I understand what you’re going through too!
Strict-Virus7250@reddit
Hello, Thanks for your post. I found it because I was searching for some advice for my own situation.
I live in France and and from the UK. It isn't very far, but I've been away for about 10 years now and for the last couple of years I've been really homesick. I'm lucky with my work that around Christmas I can come for a good few weeks, but leaving rips me apart. I feel guilty for leaving my mum and my younger brothers alone when I could probably really help them, even if that might be detrimental to my own well-being. I've cared out a decent life in France, I'm married, have my own land, but the truth is that without my family around I feel quite empty. I'm about to go back to France in a few days so I'm anticipating a big crash. The réalisation that this time passed so quickly, the readjustment, the confusion, the doubts and the guilt about not being perfect here. It's absolutely exhausting.
Wondering if after some more years you've found a solution ?
DeRaafUitHetBos@reddit
Man shit is so hard its insane i also moved to France and everytime i visit the Netherlands and i am around my family i just do not want to leave yet like you i got a life here in France my woman and my friends we have to remember what we have here too wherever we go we have people that love us waiting for us and thats all that matters
Strict-Virus7250@reddit
How long have you been away for, and where do you live in France ?
NessaBeast@reddit
Thanks for posting. My heart hurts so much. My family is in Pennsylvania and I am in Germany for the last 6 - 7 years. They just came for two weeks to visit for the first time and left yesterday and I miss them so much already.
The healthcare here and lack of school shootings and my better health overall means I should stay here. But it just hurts so much being so far away. Because of COVID and financial factors, I have only seen them once every two years. If I could go back even twice a year, I think I could handle the situation better. We had planned to go for Christmas last year but my wife needed surgery and then we ended up getting COVID over Christmas anyways.
I don't really know how to accept the sadness. Sometimes I'm homesick which I can handle but "family sick" is such a tough burden.
Serenity_Estate@reddit
I just googled the exact same thing and found your post on Reddit. You are speaking my mind right now and many times a year. I have been living and working abroad for 7 years. I only see my parents and sister 2 times a year (summer and Christmas) for a couple of weeks. I’m right now at my parents home and will travel again in 2 days. I feel so guilty and sad for leaving my mum again. She has my dad but both me and my sister lives abroad.
I want to go home again and be closer to her and be able to cherish my time with her. I can’t stop crying. This pain hurts so much. My heart feels so broken.
My biggest fear is that she will become sick or pass away while I’m in another country and that I can’t reach home in time. I don’t know if I will ever be able to handle that.
I’m so sorry but I don’t have any advice for you. I just wanted to tell you that I feel the same way as you.
hudsonvall@reddit (OP)
I'm so sorry to hear about how painful it is. I've certainly been there a million times. Saying goodbye to my mom is always the worst part. The reality of living far from home becomes a lot more palpable when you think about your parents aging. I left when I was 26, ten years ago. They weren't really old at that point and now things are changing. Sounds like you're in a similar boat with that. Past me was all for living abroad but it's present me who has to live with the consequences of that choice.
I will say that as I've become more secure financially and career-wise here, I've gotten more comfortable with the idea that sometimes people move far away from each other. My mom and I have an extremely close relationship, as well as my sister and I. Do I miss doing normal things with them? Yes, of course. But knowing that we all play such an important role in each other's lives lets me breathe a little easier. I know with like 90% certainty that if I lived in the US, I probably wouldn't live within 10 minutes of my family. I might live 4 hours away, I might be 5 hours by plane. I know that I would've wanted to go elsewhere and see what life is like elsewhere. That's what led me to living abroad in the first place. The wish to get out there and I've had wonderful experiences living abroad, experiences that younger me would think are super cool. There was no other course for me but to move away somewhere else. I think once I accepted all that, it became less painful, but coming to understand your own circumstances is a deeply personal journey.
Keep posting in here. I really believe talking about these things with other people who get it helps.
PumpkinDimension@reddit
“But knowing that we all play such an important role in each other's lives lets me breathe a little easier.” Thanks. I needed that part!
hudsonvall@reddit (OP)
It really has given me so much peace. My great-grandparents on both sides immigrated to America in the 1920s and didn’t return to visit their families until the 1950s, if ever. I’m so lucky to be able to live far away but still have close relationships with my family because of technology.
PumpkinDimension@reddit
Definitely. I also feel very lucky to one, have a family i love deeply enough to miss so much, and two, to have many ways to still keep in touch from afar. I have to remember my luck in the times that it hurts to be away.
hudsonvall@reddit (OP)
It’s funny you say that. One of the things I’ve noticed is that the people who don’t seem to struggle much with living far from home also don’t have a great relationship with their family. It’s really the kind of thing where the pain lets you know how much they mean to you.
PumpkinDimension@reddit
Very true. That’s the dichotomy of love. The more you love the more you’ll miss and allowing ourselves to feel it all is just a part of the game. I often think of moving back but I also know that moving was a huge moment of growth for me and I like where I’m at too so I will just have to ride the waves~
Thanks for your insight on it all
hudsonvall@reddit (OP)
Thank you for yours too!