Do you enjoy being a parent?
Posted by Pure_Translator_9833@reddit | AskUK | View on Reddit | 370 comments
Ok so I’m 31, in a new relationship and I’ve never considered actually wanting children. I don’t know what I’m missing, all my friends have kids and every single time I see them they’re stressed out, had no sleep, skint and have no time for themselves. It’s as if their whole relationship has gone down the drain and all their spark has gone. Off course they now focus on their child as you’d expect but it just feels like life changed so much.
All I think about is freedom, going on holidays, enjoying days off together doing anything we want. Am I just selfish? I love having free time and every friend I have seems to have none of it!
Al-Calavicci@reddit
Until you have kids you won’t understand. They become your life and actually someone you’d take a bullet for without blinking.
Pure_Translator_9833@reddit (OP)
It’s funny because I don’t see why you’d choose that life if you can’t understand it until it happens haha.
EldritchCleavage@reddit
Not everyone who has children parents them in a balanced way. I see quite a lot of couples (30s/40s) who are child-focussed to an extreme. It is possible to do it differently, and important to remember that good parenting is ultimately about training the little varmints to flourish without you.
I love my children. I also like them, more than any other human beings on the planet. They enchant me.
I regularly send them away so I can have time to myself or time with my husband. A little bit of 1970s benign neglect is no bad thing.
These things may be connected.
Far_Waltz4017@reddit
This is such an absurd comment. A parent is supposed to be "child-focused". That's the point of being a parent.
steveakacrush@reddit
I became a parent by accident and had never considered having kids until my then gf told me she was pregnant.
I didn't get it until the first time I saw my son. From that moment on I inherently knew I would do anything for him. 16 years on and that doesn't change. Sometimes it can be frightening, other times wonderful, but would never change it now.
Far_Waltz4017@reddit
That's a beautiful thing to say. I am not a father/parent as yet however am hoping to be in the near coming future. Sometimes I am excited at the prospect of having child, and other days, I feel indifferent. I really want to be a good parent and make sure that my children are cared for and above all loved. I am however worried though that when I do become a father, that I may not be loving and at times feel quite apathetic towards them. That is my major concern.
SplattyPants@reddit
I know at lest 8 guys who said never want kids then the gf or wife magic got preggo, turned out every.single.one.of.them the gf got preggo on purpose, babytrapped them, then broke up and went after them for child support, it was planned from day 1.
Kim_catiko@reddit
Yes, when I first held my son there was such an overwhelming feeling of love that came over me that I burst out crying for about five minutes!
Ronotrow2@reddit
No one does ffs but you're here too.
Cheapo_Sam@reddit
You book hotels before going to stay in them? You order food at restaurants without seeing it? You listen to music without knowing the song? Ever watched a film and not known the ending? Picked up a book without knowing who the author is?
Thats not to say everyone who has ever read a book or booked a holiday has said it was the best ever or even that they enjoyed it.. but the point is, life is about exploring the unknown. There are certain things you can do to lower the risk, like.. knowing the culture or country, liking a particular music or film genre or author..
Before you become a parent you can spend time with nieces and nephews, smile when you see a kid laughing on the plane or wince when they are screaming in a restaurant.. but none of those things will prepare you for being a parent.
You're just not going to understand if you like the movie until you watch it. Only once you have watched the movie can you say it was worth every shed tear and every penny spent.
Odd_Presentation8624@reddit
On the other hand, I don't need to shag a bloke to know that I'm not gay.
Some of just inherently understand that parenting isn't for us.
Cheapo_Sam@reddit
OK but that wasn't the question or the point. Child free people always gotta make it about themselves which is probably why its not for you.
Estrellathestarfish@reddit
I don't get this attitude. Sure, not having children is selfish, so is having them. Very few people are making that decision unselfishly- the only exceptions being people who desperately want children but choose not to have them as they know they can't provide a good life for the child, and people who didn't want children but take in children of relatives who are unable to care for them.
Cheapo_Sam@reddit
How is having children selfish? if its a conscious decision between two willing, informed, consenting adults?
Poverty is not a barrier, nor should being poor be a reason to not have children.
How is it selfish to dedicate you time and your life and your money to raising a child?
Estrellathestarfish@reddit
It's doing something you want to do, dedicating your time to doing things you want to do is selfish. And that's OK! Just don't pretend it's a selfless decision when it's doing something you want to do, something that will benefit your life that you are doing because you think it will benefit your life. The decision whether to have children should be selfish.
I didn't mention poverty, that's a weird thing to say.
Odd_Presentation8624@reddit
Your point was that life is about exploring the unknown.
My point is that you don't always need to explore an unknown to know that it's not for you.
So I think my point is bang on in relation to yours.
And as for making it about myself - who else could I make it about?
Cheapo_Sam@reddit
My point wasn't about jumping into the unknown it was about taking informed risks. Not knowing is not a reason to not do.
EconomyFreakDust@reddit
Unlike a hotel or restaurant, you can't just say "actually I don't like this, it's not for me" once the kid is born. It's a life long committment.
NgouiDanOng@reddit
My dad is living proof that actually you can do that.
Cheapo_Sam@reddit
Plenty of people walk away. Its just a question of what type of person you are. And that is something you should be well aware of before you have a child.
Buttered_Turtle@reddit
Do you have any pets?
IansGotNothingLeft@reddit
I didn't really choose it. I didn't want children, but I got pregnant in my 20s and my body clock or hormones said "hey, why not keep this one?". So we kept her and we love parenting. She's the best accident I've ever had.
The first few years were hard but I enjoyed them. Then she generally just got easier as she got older and now she's a teenager and she's a wonderful human. But yeah, it was just something I fell into.
Not the case for everyone though. A lot of people like children.
heliskinki@reddit
I became a dad at 41. Was fully ready for it by then, I certainly don't miss partying too much, and still get the opportunity to do so if I wish.
The hardest bit is till school age, then it gets a bit easier, different challenges to come.
You certainly never get bored.
CrippledMind81@reddit
This is such a fucking cliche.
partaylikearussian@reddit
People always say this. My brother was the last person I'd expect to fall under the usual spell of 'Oh it's the best thing ever,' but sure enough...
I guess I just don't get it. I understand what you're / others are saying, but I always come back to, 'Yes, but why?' Why is just having another human around who you'd take a bullet for worth all of the other headaches that parents always lead with when talking about parenting? Is that 'feeling' better than spending all of your money lying by a pool with zero responsibilities and sucking up cocktails in the sun? Not judging, just trying to understand how it balances.
Suspicious_smells@reddit
I've yet to see anyone improve their lives by having kids. All my friends do is moan about it plus you biologically have to have children with a lady and from what i've seen they tend to make the situation tonnes fucking worse.
Al-Calavicci@reddit
Didn’t have a happy childhood did you.
Suspicious_smells@reddit
Just watched a lot of my friends get fucked by genuinely crazy women. Having a child and then separating is my worst nightmare and i would consider that a huge failure. I was lucky enough to have both parents around its something i would want to provide also.
The era of being able to afford children is gone now anyways.
International-Set-30@reddit
And in the process you yourself cease to exist
2023mustgo@reddit
Not for everybody though, or there would be no neglected children or abusive parents.
Hoping you'll love being a parent when the kid arrives even if you feel ambivalent before is a pretty big gamble to take with somebody else's life!
thepoout@reddit
Kids make you become a man.
Before kids, you will remain a selfless boy.
MrsLibido@reddit
A selfless boy? So after kids you become a selfish boy? Lol
Tao626@reddit
Hopefully one day you have kids then because it sounds like you need to grow the fuck up.
thepoout@reddit
I've only got three.
Tao626@reddit
Oh dear...Don't worry, maybe you're a late bloomer.
thepoout@reddit
I'm talking from experience, kid.
I turned into a man when I had children.
I know. It happened to me. I was a boy beforehand.
Tao626@reddit
Calling somebody a kid doesn't make you anymore of an adult...In fact, that's quite the childish mindset.
Sounds like you're still a boy.
wonkyOnion@reddit
Ez statement to say in a country where guns are banned 🤣. To be more serious, as father of 6 months old child, couldn't agree more
BossImpossible8858@reddit
Where are guns banned? I live in the UK, and they aren't banned here.
tiredandstupid82@reddit
Nope. Overall it's a nightmare. Three autistic teenagers, two who have also got ADHD, one going through huge mental health issues to the point that she's pretty much on suicide watch. I don't go out, I'm on £76 a week carers allowance, almost £10 less than I was getting over twenty years ago as a trainee decorator. There's some great times, but it's not enjoyable, it's work. My cousin is in her 60s, and doesn't have kids, she's travelled and lived all over the world. She's got a great group of friends and family, and is really happy. It's up to you, but having kids means that things can be more difficult than you could ever imagine
Far_Waltz4017@reddit
After reading your comment, I suspect that your two children with adhd don't have adhd but rather have emotional and psychological issues from having been patented by you.
Easy_Distribution_61@reddit
I've literally just written a post that is yours. Not one of my kids followed the normal expected wonderful child route. I would not do it again. I love them, but if I could go back in time I would tell 16yr old me to get sterilised as soon as possible.
tiredandstupid82@reddit
I feel the same. I would have had my vasectomy at 19, when I met my now wife, instead of 30. It's not on the kids, they're who they are, and I love and am proud of them, but nothing prepares you for the constant battle of being a parent of disabled children. Even the massive financial hit isn't about being personally poor, it's about not having the finances to support your children, especially when they grow up. There's no help for autistic adults
trichishvili@reddit
Thank you for your honesty, I think people need to be more open about how you aren’t guaranteed a “mini me” (hate this expression) who’s exactly the same as you, you have to be prepared for the fact your kid might be neurodivergent, seriously disabled or otherwise go through a lot of struggles that are hard to deal with, and you have to be open to that possibility when you consider having kids. (I am neurodivergent myself I know there are positives to it as well sometimes.) I really hope things get better for all of you soon.
tiredandstupid82@reddit
I always think it's something that isn't addressed enough when thinking of becoming a parent. It doesn't mean you don't love your kids, or have great times with them, but it's not enjoyable overall, but that's because it's raising humans, not a day at a theme park. There's a lot to admire about them too, my 16 year old son has worked incredibly hard to overcome setbacks in his life, and show maturity adults twice his age don't. Thank you for the kind words.
Dazz316@reddit
It's one of those "you wouldn't understand until you have one" type of thing.
Pets are probably the closest. Like walking a dog, dealing with barking, puke on the carpet, having to worry about it when going out for the day or on holiday, shedding everywhere, etc etc. But you love the thing and it makes the rest of it worth it. It's like that but you love your children 100x more. So the work put in for that level of love is worth it.
Any ideas of selfishness is silly. It's your life, have kids or don't. Just make sure if you choose to have kids, be sure to want it first.
The older they get, the more freedom I get. My son is six and I no longer need to follow him about everywhere when going places to make sure he doesn't just accidently kill himself every 2 seconds. My daughter is 3 and is pretty much there.
I would still love my freedom, money and free time back. But I can say anonymously online that I wouldn't trade it for the world. They're the best ever.
Far_Waltz4017@reddit
Beautiful answer.
Cub3h@reddit
If you had asked the question when I had a 6 month old the answer would have been a reluctant yes. I still don't "get" or like babies. Now with a 16 month old the answer is definitely yes.
Yeah it's a faff, they can be annoying but when they point to the sky and shout "airpuhh" from their pushchair none of the obnoxious stuff matters. If she's smiling because she managed to walk over a ledge into the next room then that's my day made.
lock_the_backdoor@reddit
Just keeps getting better...my oldest is 6 and we play xbox together and build lego etc. awesome.
PeggyNoNotThatOne@reddit
The only bit of parenting I didn't enjoy was when they were ill or had to go to A&E for a broken bone or something. It's fine to be childless by choice. Two of my children don't want to be parents (the youngest is a bit older than you) and it's never been an issue. What must be awful is to be childless when you want children.
Gold-Creme-9597@reddit
You’re not selfish, if you feel this way (like I do) then accept you just don’t want kids! I feel like you should only have a child if you REALLY want to be a parent. And I don’t. My own life, freedom and independence is way too great for me to factor in a baby/kid. All my friends have kids and it’s never been a choice I’ve regretted - it’s entirely personal. But I’m happier having a holiday home than spaffing cash away on childrcare.
OysterOysterUK@reddit
Just about to turn 37 and had my first kid 5 months ago. Always knew I’d probably have kids but never thought I’d actually get to the point of having to make the decision. Was still a bit reluctant to have a kid now as I always thought I had a couple more years of “carefree” fun left in me. Kid came along and I love it. Given my life a bit more meaning and focus. Still largely do the same things as before - go out for food and drinks, travel abroad etc - but now have a little companion who smiles at me and I teach him things. Kinda wish I’d done it slightly earlier in life even. No one says there isn’t work involved but it is rewarding, and I like to be busy anyway. Everybody has their own stressors in life, and your new ones with a baby largely replace other older ones that become less relevant or your focus on them less. I would say we’re pretty financially comfortable which undoubtedly makes having kids easier, but you don’t have to be rich either.
So, have kids, don’t have kids, it’s up to you - both is totally fine. But don’t mistake hard work and stressful moments as meaning it’s a terrible mistake. You’re likely projecting your own feelings on them to justify your current feelings on the matter, which is fine, but you may feel different later, especially when all your friends are doing it. One thing I would say is that I was never somebody who enjoyed holding other people’s babies or found them cute etc - turns out it is very different when it’s your own!
Own-Design-8903@reddit
As is usual with an askuk question, it's pretty clear what you want the answer to be and are looking for us to confirm.
It's OK to not have children, equally it's OK to have them.
But please, for the love of God, don't let the opinions of redditors sway you.
thepoout@reddit
Honestly. I've got 3 kids under 6. I'm 38.
Kids make you become a man. You learn about the true values in life.
You will experience emotions in ways you didn't know you could.
You will feel love in a way you didn't know you could
You will feel stress in ways you didn't know you could
You will laugh in ways you never did before
You will become more patient (you have to!)
You will feel a sense of belonging to this world that you never had before.
You will feel empathy for others with children
You will gain a new level of respect for women.
You will cry at films where bad things happen to children.
You will increase your empathy for children
You will have a new level of respect for your parents.
You will understand the world in a new way
You will relive your best experiences in life through your children.
Your kids will keep you young. (However they may age you physically ;) )
imminentmailing463@reddit
Especially on this issue.
Own-Design-8903@reddit
I'm actually stunned at how pro-children the comments are so far. I thought there would be more faux concern for the planet or 'I can go on holiday any time' comments, as if the two were even remotely comparable.
PinkSudoku13@reddit
I mean, I am childfree, I don't want kids but I appreciate why some people would want them. It's a very personal opinion. People can choose to have kids or not, it's fine either way and trying to convince someone one way or another is just wrong.
chonkyclouds@reddit
Same, I'm childfree but that's a personal choice, doesn't mean I think other people shouldn't have children. The only strong opinion I have on the subject is that I want people to make the right choice for themselves. It's the biggest decision you'll make in your lifetime after all.
Fishy-Ginger@reddit
How dare you be moderate. I stand for all the things you don't stand for, and so, I declare I'm anti-children.
Please don't tell my kids that though.
nutritionalfie@reddit
Maybe they’re not comparable to you and it’s likely that they may actually care about the fate of the planet they live on.
EvolvingEachDay@reddit
Or the fate of any hypothetical children given their inability to live a full life before climate disasters fuck it all up.
I_mostly_lie@reddit
Why should we listen to you?
/s
louloubelle92@reddit
And this question in particular comes up on Reddit almost every day.
Know your own minds!
Pure_Translator_9833@reddit (OP)
I’m very set on how I view and feel about this subject, I’m not after advise on if I should be a parent or not, simply asking others their views on the subject.. I don’t think I’d let the opinion of Redditor’s decide if I’m going to be a parent or not..
circle1987@reddit
What about your Mrs. Died she want them? Don't people swear they will never have kids and then meet the love of their life and after 10 years decide they do. Life is a crazy, curve-ball throwing game of chance.
PinkSudoku13@reddit
if my partner wanted kids, he wouldn't be my partner anymore, it's a non-negotiable issue and often leads to serious resentment.
that's such a generalization though. Plenty of people gets swayed and then regret because they're too afraid to be alone and decide to please their partner. Many people date and are upfront about not wanting kids and won't date anyone who wants them because it's a fundamental issue that cannot be reconciled.
More and more people don't change their mind and remain childfree for their whole lives. Only in the past 20 years, women started to become more vocal about not wanting children and many of them remain childless to this day. This is something that we will start seeing more and more.
RoyofBungay@reddit
The whole upfront thing about not wanting kids is the main reason why I have spent most of my adult life single (52M)
It's non negotiable and not up for debate. It's better to be honest than to live a life of either festering resentment or just existing as a husk of a person pleasing other people.
(Somewhat ironically I have spent the best of 15 years teaching Year 6 and 7 kids.)
2023mustgo@reddit
I don't think its ironic that you're a teacher. I know a few childfree teachers, they live the kids they teach and are really dedicated to their jobs they just don't want to raise their own child and be responsible for one 24/7!
Loads of childfree people love kids and are involved aunties/uncles/teachers/godparents etc. The stereotype that we are all child hating misanthropes is way off.
Ethicsgradien7@reddit
Yup , I didn't get a vasectomy because I thought I might change my mind. I was very sure from when I was a kid that I didn't want kids. As I got older the more I knew for absolutely certain positive definitely I didn't want kids ...so snip snip to remove any doubts and put an absolute full stop on the conversation should it ever arise.
Similar_Election5864@reddit
Plenty of people get swayed with regret and are too afraid to be alone and decide to please their partner.
So many people do this and realise too late how hard raising children is.
oryx_za@reddit
Screw the naysayers! Have children. There is literally no downside.
I have two children and I can assure that my life did not change. In fact it got better. Did you know children poop money?
economicwhale@reddit
I don’t get why we all pretend that having children is a completely neutral decision.
Agreed, OP shouldn’t take his advice from Reddit.
That said, in a world with not enough resources to go around, having lots of children is surely a bad thing? Similarly, in a world with collapsing birth rates, surely the opposite is true?
It’s not just about what we want, but also what we think is right, and depending on what you focus on right now that could sway you to have children or to avoid having children…
BossImpossible8858@reddit
Incorrect. Population collapse is an extremely real and likely issue for the future.
economicwhale@reddit
I know. That’s what I’m saying. It’s not a neutral issue and depending on how you look at it, either scenario can cause us problems.
Obvious_Flamingo3@reddit
What’s wrong with redditors opinions? Sure we’re an anonymous community with a bias towards introversion but it’s very helpful to see people’s true opinions on these matters. You can learn from millions of people from diverse backgrounds and experiences and hear things they may be too scared to say in person
HarryBlessKnapp@reddit
Diverse my arse.
Obvious_Flamingo3@reddit
I mean… when else would you interact with millions of other people from hundreds of different countries? Our social circles are inevitably divided on things like class, age, social status, so this mixes it up
Lower_Possession_697@reddit
Yeah, I don't get the out-of-hand dismissiveness towards Reddit as a demographic, especially from people who are.... ON REDDIT.
Wishmaster891@reddit
I see that alot and always fine it rather odd
EconomyFreakDust@reddit
Because Reddit tends to skew young and left, which leads to a barrage of similar opinions that on a topic like kids, would encourage OP to never have kids because x, y, z. Fwiw, I don't like kids and don't intend on ever having any.
SoPernicious@reddit
I love my kids but do not enjoy being a parent.
It’s not selfish to be childfree either. I almost died in childbirth, it’s left me in a permanent disabled state. Society need to realise the actual danger there is when a woman has a baby. It’s not all hot towels and overwhelming gushes of love. It’s brutal and if you are lucky, you get through it with your baby and body in tact. If you are super lucky, you’ll also enjoy the brutality of parenting.
Becoming a parent is the biggest risk anyone can take and it should never be taken lightly.
Weemag@reddit
Yes I love it. It’s easy and it’s fun.
My advice is that you really look at your resources and how you want to spend them. Parenthood is harder when you try to pull away from it, so if you’re hoping to have a kid and resume life as you know it but only now there’s a kid around, I think that’s a recipe for disaster.
Kids are not raised on love alone and please god don’t take in rubbish advice like ‘there’s never a good time to have kids, no one is ever really ready’. This is the ramblings of people who jumped in without considering whether they had the resources to live a happy life with children and further to that were they happy to dedicate those resources to a life with children at all. You will find the same people in despair at the cost of childcare or the fact that they have no one to babysit so they can go out. I agree that the cost of childcare in the uk is disgusting and also we lack support from family in the modern day BUT all of this did predate their decision to have a child. It wasn’t a surprise, but they operated on the advice that no one is ready, there’s never a good time so they went ahead anyway into hardship.
Look at your time, finances, support system and consider first is this enough to comfortably raise a child. Please don’t be one of those people who move hours away from their parents then realise after having a baby that they don’t have anyone around to help. Think these things through. Then consider are you happy that those things go toward raising a child, you will be unhappy if you keep trying to desperately divide your time up between caring for your child and getting back to what you really want to be doing be that clubbing, gaming, sports or just adult centred activities and being in those settings. I’m all in with being a parent, I want to be having fun with my kid not trying to force my kid to be quiet and trail along behind me while I do what I want to do. Basically do you want that life? Do you want to be in soft play centres going down slides, digging up shells at the beach, walking through the zoo, do you want to be in family friendly hotels, do you want to watch Pixar, go on nature walks and stop to look at literally everything? I love it all and watching my kid experience all this joy and wonder is the coolest thing I’ve ever ever had the privilege of being a part of. The parents who bring their kids to 5 star spa hotels and try to continue a life of brunch with friends and nights in bars are so often unhappy. Enjoying parenting is leaning into it.
MaximusSydney@reddit
Yes I enjoy it very much, but hoooly shit it's hard. I knew it would be hard but I was not prepared for the relentlessness, the utter lack of free time, the complete lack of any black and white answers to anything, the sheer logistics of it all.
I think it's hard to comprehend before you have the kid because of course that all sounds horrific. But once you get to know them and love them it all feels worthwhile (the majority of the time!).
Yeah, pretty much.
sritanona@reddit
I’m 30F and have been talking about it with my partner. He’s a few years younger and of course being a man he can take his time but for me I checked and half my ovules are gone. He wouldn’t want to adopt, which is the only thing I ever considered. So we’re both talking about this every once in a while since we recently bought a house and none of us actually knows what we want. We’re both completely in the fence about it. I wish it was more common for parents to be more honest about things so we could chat with people about it.
What we seem to agree on is that we don’t really like babies or children but we would like the idea of having a family unit, the holiday season with a big family, etc. Basically once children are no longer tiny. Babies scare me a bit because I’ve never even held one and they look so fragile (and also to be honest they are pretty gross because they are always covered in something lol not trying to be rude!!). So it is something I’m mulling over a lot specially because it seems to be the opposite than most people, it feels like people usually go in because they find babies adorable and they want one.
Did you know you wanted children before you got them?
2023mustgo@reddit
Don't feel you have to rush at 30, assuming no fertility problems you have plenty of time. Its a myth that a woman's fertility drops off a cliff at 35, most people have no trouble conceiving in their late 30s.
hamsternose@reddit
Speaking from experience that is simply untrue. Fertility starts to decline from about 30. I know plenty of people who left it until 37ish and failed to get pregnant.
You also need to factor in retirement and how you will support kids when they are at uni etc. Also physically it's hard work running around at 50.
2023mustgo@reddit
It’s generally better to speak from actual knowledge rather than ‘experience’.
hamsternose@reddit
My knowledge is based on years of experience. How’s that. Stop spreading misinformation.
2023mustgo@reddit
Mine’s based on evidence, which is better and more accurate.
hamsternose@reddit
Then reveal your evidence to the world because women not losing fertility with age would be groundbreaking
sritanona@reddit
I checked my ovules and supposedly I used half already. I have never had regular period and have had a few cysts and other issues. So I guess all of that worries me.
2023mustgo@reddit
Yeah but that still leaves you with about 150,000! No need to panic at all.
sritanona@reddit
Thank you I think I saw 30 in my age and panicked!
2023mustgo@reddit
You wouldn’t be the first, and a lot of people will try to scare you, but at 30 you have plenty of time and don’t need to make any hasty decisions.
hamsternose@reddit
As a couple we were never "ready" but neither of us liked the idea of being 70 and childless. Having a family was something we both wanted, but we were never ready.
At some point you have to decide either way. We went with the family route and couldn't be happier.
It opens up a complete new world and life - one which is hard but one that is full of love and new relationships.
pointsofellie@reddit
Not the person you replied to, but if it helps at all I hated the newborn stage. My son is 1 and I absolutely love being a mum; he's so much more interactive and fun now. I did know I wanted kids before but not sure I knew how hard the baby stage would be!
sritanona@reddit
It worries me because when they’re newborn I feel like anything could kill them and they also do nothing but cry and poop and just generally have a bad time and have no way of communicating. It’s a surprise we all made it tbh.
pointsofellie@reddit
Yes. They are ridiculously fragile. Mine was in hospital twice in the first 4 months! It's not surprising that infant mortality is so high in some places sadly.
rdxc1a2t@reddit
First of all, I was also not a fan of babies but wanted an older kid. I'm a year in and have mostly enjoyed the baby stage. The first few months were a mix of being a bit dull and a bit frustrating but fortunately I did actually fall for my kid pretty instantly and he was a cute little guy so there was some good stuff as well. As he's become older the frustrating and dull moments have become pretty rare and he's become an incredibly funny and cute little lad. Of course all kids are different and all parents are different; my experience is not universal. I've really enjoyed the part I wasn't expecting to enjoy though.
As for the rest, there is a lot to consider when having a kid and you have to think about the totality and the whole 18-20 years where they'll be completely dependent on you, financially at the very least. You obviously need to think about whether you want a kid and how you'll be with a kid but also how your partner will be with a kid, how your relationship might take extra strain and pressure, finances including childcare, how the kid would fit into your life particularly with work which you'll likely still need to be doing, what you'd have to sacrifice from your current life and whether you're willing. Every person's situation going into parenting is different so there's no right or wrong answer to being a parent, which is why I never recommend it! I enjoy it but I can't say everyone would.
For me I delayed us having a kid until we were in a better financial position (asked my wife that we get the wedding and the associated financial hit out of the way first). My biggest concern going in was how I'd deal with a lack of sleep, as I've been known to get a bit grumpy if I don't get my 7.5 hours, but fortunately my body adapted to the 4 or 5 months where I only got 4 to 5 hours of sleep each night. The thing that has been massively beneficial is I WFH which has taken a lot of the pressure off of getting my boy to his childcare session each weekday. Everyone will have different pros, different cons and different sacrifices they need to make.
Sorry for the ramble. I'm certain that you're already thinking about everything I've listed but I know some people are more instinctual in their decision making! Best of luck whatever you decide.
Forsaken_Flounder142@reddit
I didn't even like babies or kids, didn't love my kid until about a month in - the first smile! Then it hit me, that's a person! Before that it was more like a being that is attached to me and depends on me and I have responsibility for... you develop a close relationship with that new person and show them the world. And that part is magical to me! The other part is the tantrums and issues and having to navigate when you'll have free time to yourself (which is every other evening for leisure).
sritanona@reddit
That makes sense actually! It scares me a lot to think that during pregnancy there’s a whole ass being inside of the body. It feels a bit claustrophobic in my head so that’s also something that makes me uneasy
ueberryark@reddit
I think there's actually a sub for 'onthefence' if you didn't find it already :)
sritanona@reddit
Thanks!
spik0rwill@reddit
That's not my experience yet, but my boy is only 3 :). I don't get stressed much, he sleeps generally 8pm - 8am. I have plenty of free time, but my hobbies aren't very time consuming I suppose. Having a child also brought my wife and I closer together.
flyingokapis@reddit
Do you have just one child?
There is a massive difference when you add a second to the mix, especially if they are somewhat close in age.
I got two, and if one goes to a friends etc the other becomes a completely different person and is so easy to manage.
I know, you might think it's just one extra child, it cant be that different, but it's a huge difference, the people out there with 3, 4, 5 kids etc, I cannot even begin to understand why you would put yourself into that.
Insideout_Ink_Demon@reddit
Someone I worked with described the difference in going from one child to two is like going from caring for a pet to running a zoo
Shipwrecking_siren@reddit
My favourite is that 1 is an existential challenge and 2 is a logistical challenge.
We had our second 7 months ago and our first just went to school and I am BEYOND OVERWHELMED with how the fuck I am meant to go back to work. I used to commute 70 minutes each way. I’m trying to go self employed but I’m so exhausted I don’t have much time to put into it.
Insideout_Ink_Demon@reddit
"challenge" doesn't feel like a strong enough word.
One option is to put the career change on the back burner until life is more stable. But I've found everything end up on the back burner
Shipwrecking_siren@reddit
I know I’ve got the rest of my life to work myself to the bone, so I need to just breathe even if the finances are really stressful right this minute. It’s just hard as I’ve finally finished training after 6 years and 2 kids. I wanted to be in the position to contribute more financially and us have a bit more money to do things we want to do, but it’s tough getting started.
flyingokapis@reddit
Pretty spot on.
I said it above, but people who expand from two are nuts!
TheSammie@reddit
I'm one of three. My mum always said zero to 1 was huge, 1 to 2 was huge, but 2 to 3 was no big deal at all. My boss who had 4 kids said much the same thing.
We've stopped at 2. There will be no more, mainly because I refuse to incubate and give birth to another.
Kim_catiko@reddit
I always noticed this with friends kids. When one sibling was somewhere else, the other was an angel at home. I think it's because they are too busy vying for attention and competing.
lock_the_backdoor@reddit
Yeah what's with that? Absolutely mad together, 2nd is a ball of rage, 1st is emotional...but when they are apart they are both chill
Leather-Donkey69@reddit
I have 1 daughter, and I also have 3 stepsons. Sometimes, when I'm getting overwhelmed with everything when there's just my daughter here, I remember what it's like to have all 4 of them here, and suddenly I'm very, very grateful that I only have 1 to deal with.
NorthernSoul1977@reddit
Aye, 2 is the game changer!
spik0rwill@reddit
Yep, only one at the moment. We aren't planning to have another, but if it happens, it happens.
kazuwacky@reddit
You've hit the lottery with that sleep schedule. My son has learnt to kick the wall ajoining our rooms to summon a parent.
He doesn't need anything. And he can do it for literal hours.
Strong_Roll5639@reddit
My daughter is 7, and I feel the same as you. She sleeps until 8 am if we let her. We still have hobbies/go away with friends. All the usual things we did pre kids just not as spontaneously.
rdxc1a2t@reddit
Same. Father of one 15 month old and our life hasn't changed too much but then we weren't ones to go out every Friday/Saturday night or anything like that. If people like to do that, it's a massive sacrifice to have kids!
My wife likes to see friend and get her nails done regularly. I like to go the cinema, see friends and go to gigs. We've been able to keep all of that up. We used to ask each other if we could go do these things but now we more or less just tell each other we're doing them, just like we would have before. We're now both confident that the other can handle our boy on their own for a few hours with no issue. Two kids would be an entirely different matter!
Strong_Roll5639@reddit
We used to go out every weekend until we had our daughter. We still go out maybe once or twice a month if there's a DJ/band we want to see. Were lucky that we have loads of family within 10 minutes so babysitters are never an issue.
That's great. We are the same. We just tell each other. Yes, we are sticking with one! I've seen how stressed my friends with 2 are 😂
rdxc1a2t@reddit
Haha my wife and I were thinking about two but a couple of years before we tried for our boy we agreed that we'd have just the one. I was the one who proposed the change with one of my key arguments being "all these people seemed to have their shit together when they had one kid, now they seem constantly knackered and have lost control with two". Even with my boy being as amazing as he is, I know I couldn't handle two of him!
mycatiscalledFrodo@reddit
Our youngest didn't sleep through the night until she was 6, she'd be up every 90mins for nearly an hour, not entirely sure I survived. She is 8 and still has a few sleep issues but at least she is old enough to chill in her room until she's ready to sleep
Informal_Fan_6199@reddit
Its normally the youngest. But then if you had them 1st there would never have been another.
There are wonderful but a bad sleeper is hard going.
mycatiscalledFrodo@reddit
I've always said that! If we'd had her first she'd have been an only, or a huge age gap. She's got a wicked sense of humour, very sarcastic and so sassy once she's comfortable with you, most people think she's shy as it takes a while for her to warm up unless you talk about her rats then she'll never stop talking, then they meet the real her and are surprised.
spik0rwill@reddit
Oof, that must have been hard! Glad you made it through in one piece :)
mycatiscalledFrodo@reddit
Yeah it wasn't a highlight!
Ody_Odinsson@reddit
Sleep. Sleep is the difference. Our first didn't sleep (I mean she was awake 22:00 to 04:00) until she was 3, but our second does sleep (mostly). You don't realise how important sleep is until you're chronically robbed of it.
Jimboats@reddit
My son is 2 and only started sleeping for longer periods a few months ago. I feel like a new person. Never realised how much I was just decaying inside until I was able to start sleeping normally again.
Anaptyso@reddit
The problem when talking about the experience of being a parent is that most of the downsides are objective and the upsides are subjective.
So it's really easy to demonstrate the bad things e.g. the costs, the lack of sleep, the amount of organising you need to do, thing places you can't go to etc. However the stuff which really makes it worthwhile is a lot harder to point to. It's mostly emotional stuff: the love you feel when looking at your sleeping child, the feeling you get if they voluntarily give you a hug, the pride when they learn something new etc.
It means that it can often look a lot worse than it really is to be a parent. For me the upsides well outweigh the downsides, but if I had to quantify it somehow then it would be really hard to justify that in purely practical terms. It's the emotional bit which makes it worthwhile, and that's all just within me rather than something I can point to.
The_Queef_of_England@reddit
I don't know why, but I love the way that's worded. Like the assumption is you know them straight away, but I guess they're a stranger when they pop out, and then they have to work out how to be a person before you get properly introduced.
Nixm87@reddit
It’s the logistics that does it for me! Lol
Background_Baby4875@reddit
I think you shouldn't have a child.
having children is only realistically a 15 year part of your life, once they hid 16 they are there own person.
you have a long life many live to 90, is 15 years that much? - you have plenty of time for holidays ect and the things you said, you can do them later but having a child when your prime is better for them and yourself.
Grandchildren are bliss.
Spottyjamie@reddit
Yep its hard at times though, ngl lockdown in a flat with no garden nor nursery/toddler groups etc running really affected ours
Im 40 with a 4yr old and yeah its hard seeing mates without kids out and that esp as these days its my age group who are the ones socialising!
But then i think ive had 20 years of pretty much doing what i liked, going where i liked etc
So yeah, its hard dont get me wrong. Late nights, early starts. Very little freetime once day job, housework done. Sex life with wife pretty much non existent. Trips out are either fun or a disaster! Seeing his face light up though on trips to parks, theme parks etc cant be described and seeing how hes taken to school has filled us with pride.
IntrovertedArcher@reddit
I can’t stand kids for all the reasons you mentioned. I have no interest in my whole life revolving around a noisy little snot monster. The cat is bad enough.
ride898@reddit
Same. Does my absolute nut in when people try to tell me that I'll change my mind one day.
I've had the same stance on the subject for the last 15 years. I know myself well enough to know that life isn't for me, to the point I'll probably schedule a vasectomy pretty soon. I enjoy regularly going to concerts, travelling to exotic locations, working on my never-ending list of hobbies. Peace and quiet on demand at home is paramount to my mental well-being, too.
Its depressing to look at people you know pop out a kid and become a former shell of themselves. I'm sure most of them are happy, but from my own personal experience, they seem to give up so much of their former life - they lose friends, careers, hobbies, time, money, personality...
It's pretty taboo to say you regret having children, but a decent portion of people do, and thats just the ones who arent afraid to admit it. Some of the accounts I've read from people who regretted having children are nightmare fuel to me.
hamsternose@reddit
This is true, but the flip side is that there are also many people who chose not to have children only to regret it and those accounts are very sad.
hamsternose@reddit
I was never ready for kids, but also did not like the idea of being old and childless. It's very hard to commit to something so life changing.
The question you really need to ask yourself is "do I see myself without any kids / family when I am 70 years old". If the answer is no, crack on with life. But if you see yourself with your own family then you need to, at some point, just go for it whether you are ready or not.
I know plenty of people who left it too late and couldn't have them by the time they were ready for them.
stuaird1977@reddit
If you feel uncertain don't have any, but how many parents would give up their child if someone offered to trade them for unlimited free holidays for life ..close to zero I'd hope
YarnPenguin@reddit
Do you like kids? It's ok to say no.
I don't.
That's why I don't have any. I've never once imagined a scenario where I am a parent.
thepoout@reddit
Most of REDDIT don't want kids. So this is not the forum for asking this question. You will get a skewed answer.
MrsLibido@reddit
Fragile downvoting of someone who's correct is very man-like behaviour
MrsLibido@reddit
Most of the comments are positive with people describing how they enjoy being parents, did you even read them?
Kat8844@reddit
Yes I love it!, I’m currently 6.5 months pregnant with our third, I always knew I wanted kids and they mean the world to me , even with the sleepless nights, the tantrums, and the money, wouldn’t change it for the world but not wanting children is completely normal and understandable too, you just have to do what’s right for you, it’s not selfish and there’s no right or wrong choice 🙂.
No_Commercial8397@reddit
It's a good question and I feel like a dick because my GF for sure knows she wants kids and I'm so indifferent, very happy without them but of course will have one if she wants one so badly.
I find it hard to find kids cute like she does and I don't really know what to do with them when friends kids are around. She's tells me it's different when it's our own. Hard to imagine.
Personal_Ad9018@reddit
Short answer: no 🙈 but pretty sure I will when they get older, fingers crossed 😅 I kinda envy people who doesn’t feel the need to have kids. I did, and I know I would have forever regretted it If I didn’t have any. So just trying to survive atm!
CFlav@reddit
People never seem to understand you can still go on holiday with kids.
Outrageous-Engine480@reddit
yeah of course you can during school holidays and frankly it doesn’t LOOK that enjoyable
PinkSudoku13@reddit
sure you can BUT it's a different type of holiday and experience.
cannontd@reddit
In a way yes but if we went on holidays without kids it’s be sightseeing, drinking - ermmmm, reading?
On holiday with our lad it was less drinking and loads of playing on the pool and messing around in the beach. Sometimes that’s the best time to not ‘be an adult’
IansGotNothingLeft@reddit
That just depends on your support network. We've never missed out on anything we wanted to do because we're lucky to have my in-laws or my sister.
Bigfootsgirlfriend@reddit
I’ve heard plenty of parents say ‘it’s not a holiday, it’s just looking after your kids in a different place’
Personally, the holidays I like wouldn’t be age appropriate for kids
Nice-Masterpiece1661@reddit
Well, me and my partner had a lot of different holidays before we had a child separate and together. And got tired of partying/drinking type of holiday by late 20s, then we explored the world together, and by his late 30s my mid 30s we started to want to share those amazing experiences we are having with someone else. And believe me, showing the world to your own child, giving them great experiences, learn together is so much more fun, then just going as two adults. But it is coming from the person who didn’t have kids until 30’s and partied really hard and traveled a lot in my 20’s. Otherwise it might be different. But I don’t feel like I am missing out in anything. To be honest it feels like I am actually very lucky and privileged to be able to experience what I experienced in my youth and now be able to also have a family life. I also quite like the thought of having some relaxing holidays for a few years, because all my holidays before were more, exploring, adventurous and partying, so it is kind of nice to explore the world of relaxing family holidays which I didn’t know before. If life doesn’t progress, it gets boring and it is nice to experience different things in life.
Samtpfoten@reddit
Typing this from my very enjoyable holiday with my child! Of course it's different than a childless holiday. You might not be able to get hammered if you wish or go on a 5 hour hike but that doesn't mean it's misery. We have had a great time so far where everyone got to so stuff they enjoy.
Also the people who say "it's just parenting in a different place". I mean, duh. Wherever you go with your child is parenting in a different place. But at least I get to parent while sitting by the pool/beach, while eating ice cream, or while exploring somewhere that isn't the local softplay.
HarryBlessKnapp@reddit
Yeah, I really enjoy holidays with the kids. Apart from that 1 in Valencia.
flyingokapis@reddit
You can, but also after a certain age the prices get ridiculous.
Matttthhhhhhhhhhh@reddit
*selfish people
MrTobleroneLover19@reddit
hahahahaha yeah you CAN there's nothing stopping you physically but .... but just no.
SnooCakes1636@reddit
Sure can. It’s when I take me 2 year old on 4am benders I get the funny looks!
Of course I’m joking.
My holidays have actually been enriched by having kids- lounging around all day in the sun is my GFs ideal, but me and my lad can go to beach, play footy, play in the sea etc
17kgofchicken@reddit
Love me kids; being parent hard as fek.
90% of the hard parts can be overcome if you have money to pay for help, cleaning, child care, bigger house with enough space, the higher expense of family holidays, living in a nice area where you don't have to worry so much about them falling in with a bad crowd and having a shit education, private tutor if you need it, therapy if they end up having mental health problems or support if they have a disability etc.
If you don't have lots of money to paper over some of the tougher elements, I wouldn't recommend it.
Chuck1984ish@reddit
I was told by someone when partner was pregnant,
"It's the hardest thing you'll ever do, but it's the best thing you'll ever do."
Two kids in and I agree.
Easy_Distribution_61@reddit
The thing with kids is, you think you'll have a child who goes through the regular infant crying/not sleeping, then the toddler tantums, the moody teenage years and then finally they'll fly the nest after they're done with education. I have three children, and whilst they all went through these normal things they all came with MASSIVE individual curve balls that meant my life was spent at therapists/doctors appointments, involved the police and social services and some really ropey international pharmacy assistance. If I could look back and know all of this was going to happen, throwing my life into chaos with heartache, misery and severe thoughts of self harm I would not do it again. I'm open about this. People simply don't think about how wrong it can. They think "oh, lovely squishy babies, then they grow and you get a new best friend". Yes, maybe you'll be lucky. But you need to go into it with the possibility that this won't happen. And that's what people don't consider. Are you prepared to have your entire life taken up with these problems, losing the person you were before?
I love my children. They are very much loved and cared for. But i regularly look at child free people and think "in my next life, that's gonna be me!"
Kim_catiko@reddit
Yes and no.
I'll start with the negative so I can end on a positive. No, because I don't have as much time to myself, my little boy is a bit of a misery guts at the moment which is of course annoying as hell, and I feel like my husband has struggled so much with the change that he decided to check out. I'm single now.
Yes, because I love seeing my son learning new words and learning how to do things that seem so simple to us, his smile really does brighten my day especially when I'm feeling really low, and I can't wait to do all the fun things with him as he gets older, like sports, theme parks etc. I also see how much he loves me and that is worth it all to me.
I do agree that it can feel shit most of the time, but I feel like it is a short time you have with them that the effort you make for them will make all the difference. Time passes quickly and I want to enjoy the time I have with my son, even if that time seems so hard at the moment.
FearlessMeerkat95@reddit
I enjoy being a parent and I love my daughter more than anything in the world but it’s the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. I wouldn’t change it.
ShuaigeTiger@reddit
Yes. I love being a dad. And a husband. When you become a parent by choice you don’t feel like anything’s been taken away from you, really. Life takes on a different meaning, but it’s no less of a life than a child free one.
Godoncanvas@reddit
Children change your whole life completely. There. Are pluses and negatives for having them. They are costly, they need a lot of attention when young, they are messy, they cause tons of work and lack of sleep, but they do change you for the better, life is no longer about just You, they make you happy, they are great companions, when older they do chores for you and take care of you when you are needing help. I think children are great especially when babies, I had three and two step children they were all good kids.
Extension_Reason_499@reddit
It’s not the same for everyone some people take to it like a duck to water and others struggle but there is no experience in the world that gives you the high you get from seeing your first born child for the first time it just can’t be bet. No amount of holidays or nights out could replace a child if you lost one. You seem not ready for the responsibility it might just be that your not ready to settle down and have that change in lifestyle. Children grow up and move out don’t leave it too late or you won’t have time for yourself at the other end. I am 40 and my Children are 21 and 15 I have my life mostly back to myself. Also my dad just passed away he had 7 children and we all looked after him and visited him in hospital and some people had nobody coming to the ward to take them food or take them out they just had to lay there all day and rely on the overstretched nurses. That is a childless persons end of days it’s sad that they have nobody in the end to care about them, Just their memories of nights out and holidays I guess! Your choice but that’s the reality
AerodynamicHandshake@reddit
The idea that it's selfish is a bit absurd, it's a lifestyle choice and if you don't want to take it, that's on you.
Far more selfish to do it and expect everyone to pick up the slack and bend over backwards to accommodate it for you.
Loud_Fisherman_5878@reddit
I don’t think being selfish has to be a bad thing. If I didnt have kids I would be selfish in that I would only need to think about what I would enjoy (within reason)- do I want to buy a motorbike, go on holiday and to where, change careers on a whim? It isn’t a bad thing at all! I think it’s good that people think about whether they want to have a ‘selfish’ life and make a decision based on that rather than feeling they have to have kids and then resenting the loss of choices.
secondaryone@reddit
It can’t be selfish as this is a hypothetical child that doesn’t exist.
2023mustgo@reddit
The idea that people without kids are all living 'selfish lives' is so ludicrous. There are childfree teachers, nurses, paramedics, doctors, firefighters, social workers, charity and aid workers, volunteers, fundraisers, people who devote their time to helping other humans, including children, without needing to share their DNA. But hey, they never reproduced so they must be selfish to the core, right?
Loud_Fisherman_5878@reddit
To some extent, yes. In that they don’t need to consider anyone else when thinking about their hobbies, holidays or weekends. That doesn’t mean that their lives are entirely selfish, just certain aspects of them. Why is that a bad thing? Under your argument, I can happily say that I’m not selfish in how I spend my weekends as I have children but I can say that I am selfish in my career choice as I work for a private company that pays me a better salary and I no longer work for a charity.
2023mustgo@reddit
Do you honestly think people who don’t have children never need to consider anybody else when making plans?
Loud_Fisherman_5878@reddit
In most cases, I would think they don’t but I am happy to be enlightened. I just know my childfree friends can decide to start a new hobby or pick a holiday destination (maybe this one is subject to their partner’s agreement too although there’s always solo travel if your partner’s travel choices aren’t compatible) pretty much on their own choice. Of course there are considerations like cost, work schedules etc but I don’t really see how that is the same as having to think about other people.
(I also obviously don’t mean people that are carers for parents, disabled partners etc before someone tries to point that out).
2023mustgo@reddit
Haha! You want me to not point out done if the ways you’re wrong because you’ve already realised some of the ways you’re wrong! 🤣
Loud_Fisherman_5878@reddit
Did I realise I was wrong?
Of course I know that some childfree people help out. I dont know many that would help out when they themselves are bedridden with the flu or would cancel a holiday to Thailand to babysit for a night or not buy a motorbike because they have a friend with a child who might need looking after even if they wipe out and break an arm. Your argument makes no sense but seeing as you’re full of self congratulation anyway I don’t see the point in continuing to point this out to you. Have a nice day doing exactly what you enjoy doing!
2023mustgo@reddit
Enjoy your day too
T_house@reddit
Yeah - the idea that everyone 'should' have kids is a terrible one. Having kids is great but it's also tough, and if you don't want them that's a perfectly valid choice. People can live a very selfless life without kids (and many people with kids are selfish as fuck). Also, it's not like there aren't enough fucking humans on the planet!
kitkat-ninja78@reddit
Do you enjoy being a parent?Yes, I do.
Is it hard being a parent sometimes?Yes
All I think about is freedom, going on holidays, enjoying days off together doing anything we want. Am I just selfish? I love having free time and every friend I have seems to have none of it!Are you? No... Having a kid/children is not for everyone.
For me, being a parent isn't about giving up freedom, giving up on holidays, etc... It's modifying what you do. Doing a little more planning and thinking about things. But remember everyone has different view and do different things, what one may do, another one won't :)
Nicky2512@reddit
Don’t be beguiled into parenthood you instinctively know isn’t right for you.
Hot_and_Foamy@reddit
If you want kids, they’re great. Best thing I ever did was have kids. Yeah they take a lot of effort but there’s so much love and happiness it’s worth it.
However:
If you don’t want kids, do not have them. They’re exhausting, expensive, take a lot of time and organisation and you lose your freedom. You will resent them for it when it’s not their fault, and that’s not a nice way to live.
Essentially- you don’t have to justify having or not wanting to have kids. You need to do what’s right for you.
SaluteMaestro@reddit
I never wanted kids myself but after a interaction with a French girl and a bottle of Vodka I am now a father of one, I'm constantly tired , constantly broke, constantly worried but I wouldn't want it any other way.
It's ok to want or not want kids it's your life, live it how you want to live it.
OldDirtyBusstop@reddit
I wouldn’t take my experience as a determining factor as to whether you have kids or not. Everyone and their situation is different.
I love having kids. The restrictive and utterly exhausting part passes fairly quickly. As they grow they become amazing people who you can connect with on so many levels and watching them learn and achieve feels great. The feeling of pride watching even the smallest achievements my kids have outweigh anything I’ve ever done.
The hardest thing is trying to make sure they grow up as decent people and fulfil their potential. Once you realise they need to figure a lot of this lot for themselves and your role is to be there to support them it becomes a lot easier.
I wouldn’t change a thing.
Mdl8922@reddit
Yep, 100% the best thing I've ever done, have 5 now & wish I could have more. Everything I did before, i do now, just with helpers.
Go to concerts with my daughter, work on cars with my son, do the gardening with another daughter, go to football games with them, running with all of them, etc etc. There's plenty of freedom & free time too, holidays every year, date nights & days out with the wife, we don't miss out on anything.
That said, it seems you're set on not having kids, which is cool, do whatever makes you happy & you won't go far wrong.
rdxc1a2t@reddit
I have one that I love dearly but couldn't imagine having two, let alone five! Don't know how you do it but glad it works for you!
Mdl8922@reddit
It's one of those things I guess, it's not for everyone, which is fine, but it's definitely for me.
In my community its fairly common to have big families so I've been brought up around it, my wife & I have been together since 13, we started young (17) and just carried on haha, 19, 20, 23, then a surprise one at 31.
SuzLouA@reddit
If you don’t think you want kids and it sounds like a lot of hard work, why are you even here asking this? Being child free is fine. If it’s a dealbreaker in your new relationship, then break up, because it’s not something either of you should to compromise on.
SM_abd@reddit
I'm a parent. Pretty much never stressed, get lots of sleep have done since she was less than 6 months old, she is now 8. Go out often, still go on holiday to where we want to go. Did purposefully stop at 1, cause just like anything in life, the more people to coordinate, the more difficult it is to keep everyone happy.
rdxc1a2t@reddit
Big reason for me as well. My boy is only 15 months but I'm looking forward to getting to a Saturday and going "what do you want to do today?" and we can just do what he wants without having to consider any siblings.
Dazzling-Landscape41@reddit
I enjoy parenting my kids, I did NOT enjoy the baby stage.
The first 6 months are exhausting and boring, and the next 6 months are not quite as exhausting.
12 months onwards was great, watching them develop their own little personality and quirks is mind-blowing (I have 6 bio and they are all very different).
Parenting teens can be hard. I didn't find it difficult because my kids are easygoing, but some of the experiences my friends have gone through are terrifying, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
VibraniumSpork@reddit
I feel like I baseline just try and survive it most of the (2 kids, currently 56 and 8). They’re both lovely kids, but have their moments, and it can often be hard to ‘enjoy’ then in between full time work and also trying to have some scant quality time with my partner and/or just myself. There’s a background hun of anxiety that doesn’t help; are they doing alright at school, what will they do for jobs, will they ever own property etc.
Funnily enough tho, when we’re all on holiday together or in those little bits of the weekend where I can just be a Dad without worrying about anything else…I fucking love it. For me it’s the lack of time (and sometimes money) that ‘spoil’ being a parent. If I win the lottery I’d do fuck all else but be their always-about Dad for as long as they’d let me.
rdxc1a2t@reddit
Wow, that's quite the age gap.
lonelyasffffff@reddit
All the people here that aren’t parents don’t know
sprucay@reddit
I was worried too before we had mine. She's a year old now and she is the light of my life. There isn't a problem that can't be made better by her laughing or hugging me. I don't think we've had it as hard as some, but the lack of sleep does suck I can't lie.
bacon_cake@reddit
I never thought I'd have something in my life I could just think of that would put a smile on my face but sometimes when I'm at work or in bed I actually crack a smile just thinking of my son. The other day he wore a pirate hat and the image of it in my mind just fills me with pure joy every time I picture it. This will sound totally cliché but it's like I genuinely have a beacon of happiness in life to an extent I've never experienced before.
gll5dm85@reddit
Absolutely zero intentions of having a child simply because I'd hate to go through the experience of looking after a baby and the early years. I'd consider adoption of am older child, say 6/7 years old, in the future though.
Full_Traffic_3148@reddit
Having a child at the right time was amazing for me. Every moment has been worth it. BUT I'd travelled extensively beforehand, spent years being able to do as I wished when I wished and being quite honestly selfish and spontaneous in all ways! So, for me, I wasn't giving up those things at all as I embraced parenthood as a new adventure and a gain in every way.
The right time is really important!
rdxc1a2t@reddit
Totally agree. I spent my 20s getting a lot of things ticked off the life goal list and had a boy at 31. And my boy came along at the perfect time. If my wife had become pregnant even just a few months earlier it would have been a nightmare compared to how it was.
Playful-Rice-2122@reddit
I'm coming up to 30 and I have 2 kids. I am permanently exhausted, have no spare money and have to arrange everything around my kids. I also have a love and a joy like no other, and the time I spend around my children is irreplaceable. There is no way as an internet stranger that I could advise you on what's best, predominantly because there's no right answer. If you don't want kids, don't have them, you don't have to have kids to have a fulfilling life
Insideout_Ink_Demon@reddit
If you have any doubts don't do it.
There's no days off with parenting. No sick days. No taking care of your mental health.
AdrenalineAnxiety@reddit
I am stressed out, have no sleep, skint, not enough time, and I would still say I enjoy being a parent. I think it's something hard to describe. There have been times when I've sat at home sobbing wondering why, but also so many good moments, and it's like being able to relive life but with a different view. I've only got one though and that suits me, I don't feel like I am mentally or financially equipped to have any more.
I really thought the whole "it takes a village to raise a child" thing was a bit twee before I had one, but now I can totally see it. The problem is in the modern world most of us don't have a village and with two working parents just to pay the bills it gets even harder.
But no, you're not selfish, unless you begrudge other people for having children or get angry at kids for existing. We do need a new generation at the end of the day, but you don't have to be involved in creating it. Free time sounds nice, but I'll keep my kid. Just the one though thanks.
OffMyDave@reddit
Yep, I was bored in my life without kids, we'd done the whole going out, holidays, etc. Now the simplest most mundane tasks are fun. It's hard but not too hard, I've got used to not having much me time, and instead look forward to the chores, like bed and bath time. Life was just a bit empty before kids, now I have a lifelong commitment and responsibility, everyone needs some responsibility in their lives, wherever you get it from
rdxc1a2t@reddit
I was in a similar place. I had agreed with my wife that we'd have a kid once I turned 30 as I wanted to do a few things with my 20s and wanted us to be a bit more financially set up as well. Sometimes that commitment felt like a timebomb but as I got closer to 30 having a kid just became very appealing. I had done a lot of what I had wanted to do with my 20s and had settled into a pretty happy life with my wife but with that contentment came the question of whether this was going to be the extent of my living for the next 50 years (if I'm so lucky). For the first time it really felt like I had the space in my life for a child and he's slotted in perfectly.
Fair_Skill895@reddit
Seeing my children do and enjoy certain things triggers memories of my own childhood that hadn’t surfaced in a long long time. It is like reliving a childhood again when you’ve got children of your own.
lock_the_backdoor@reddit
I used to hate Christmas but seeing the innocent joy in their little hearts, they get so excited, believing in santa etc. I love it now.
The_Queef_of_England@reddit
I didn't have kids, but I definitely would have if we still had decent support networks. I just never felt financially stable to not give them a life where their parents are stressed all the time and worrying about money and tired and anxious.
sritanona@reddit
I know it’s absolutely not the same but when people say basically it’s awful but you love it and don’t regret it it reminds me of me with my rabbits, the amount of times I had to get very expensive specialty vets at 4 am or things like that but still wouldn’t change them for easier pets because I love them.
Gullible_Wind_3777@reddit
The choice is yours.
Yes everything you said about having kids is true. But it is the most rewarding, looking at your children and thinking, I made them, they’re mine. Look how well iv done with raising them etcetc.
Now I have them and feel everything your friends do, I still wouldn’t change it for the world
Some people don’t wanna have kids and that’s fine. But just remember children arnt little for long. And before you know it they’re moving out and having their own lives and all of a sudden you’ve got all this free time and money.
I’m not here to try and make you have a baby, I’m simply telling you my experience having them lol 😂
Crafty_Ambassador443@reddit
I enjoy knowing I have a child, but being a parent is truely shit.
BUT I have no close friends, no family nothing nearby. All my friends are stressed the point where they are just going to explode. I can't talk to them.
I feel like absolute shit, im unwell, childcare costs, we dont get a break, a rest or anything. The spark, what spark!! Its dead! What is sex?
I got so miserable my doctor has referred me to counselling.
I need a damn friend!
TieDyePandas@reddit
Thank you It Took a while to find a response I actually agree with. I love my son but boy do I hate being a parent for all your reasons and more.
Crafty_Ambassador443@reddit
Because lots of people bareface lie and it does my nut in. The more you lie, the more chance of depression.
Be honest! Not everyday is sunshine and roses.. but it doesnt mean you hate your kid either.
I'm glad you can resonate. Remember.. it takes a village to raise a baby, and in this modern day, the village is most likely going to be just Mum or just Dad. Insane.
poochie4life@reddit
I feel you, I adore my daughter but I was constantly getting overwhelmed and beating myself up, I went to the doctor and was diagnosed with PPD. If you ever want to rant, ramble or talk about rubbish don’t hesitate to DM me! Us parents have to stick together and I’ll always take a new friend :)
dbee8q@reddit
Hey, online friend. I hear ya. Mine are older now(teens), I love them and I've enjoyed many moments together but I don't enjoy being a parent, and that is okay to admit to each other.
Have you had some sort of postnatal depression as I had it, and it definitely made things worse and so so lonely. You sound run down and tired.
Strong_Roll5639@reddit
Me and my husband didn't want kids. I got pregnant with a coil in and we were so torn about what to do. I just couldn't imagine my life with a kid.
She is 7 now and honestly I really enjoy it. I think we have been lucky as she has always been pretty chilled slept well etc. We also have good childcare so we get regular time together just us 2.
Accurate_Prune5743@reddit
You have now unlocked the fear of a coil pregnancy in me!
Sure, the brochures talk about, but I've never heard any person talk about it!
Bigfootsgirlfriend@reddit
They’re also a higher risk of being ectopic, so it’s best to get checked straight away if it happens!
Accurate_Prune5743@reddit
I remember reading about that and the doctor telling me. But whilst I've heard multiple stories of people getting pregnant on the pill, I haven't heard someone mention they got pregnant on the coil!
Strong_Roll5639@reddit
I actually know a few people that it's happened to! My midwife was one of them.
The_Queef_of_England@reddit
How do you get pregnant with one? I had the copper one and I don't understand. Did it fall out, or the hormones stop working, or it just got bumped closed? If it didn't fall out, did they have to get it out while she was in there?
Strong_Roll5639@reddit
It's cool, I don't mind. It became embedded. I couldn't ever feel the strings as my cervix is tilted, so I couldn't check it was still in place. The Dr advised me that they usually take them out, but it can cause a miscarriage. I had several scans and they decided it would be safer to keep the coil in. I can't remember the reasoning now. Was quite funny every time I had a scan and they would look shocked and say "you have a coil in". Yes haha, I know. I found out super early. I think I was 5/6 weeks. I had symptoms really early on and just knew.
The coil came out on my Daughter's head haha
The_Queef_of_England@reddit
That's crazy! I wonder if it got in her way or annoyed her in there.
Friendly_External345@reddit
No, they're a fucking pain in the arse, they suck up time, Resources and energy. They're selfish, lazy and self entitled. But every now and then they throw you a nugget of gold to keep you in the game.
l_a_r_a_9_2@reddit
Chiming in here with 7 year old twins that I had age 24, not planned.
I don't think it's selfish not wanting kids at all. It's quite a thankless job, that you have to be fully invested in to give your child a fair start. The first 5 years, until they start school, is very challenging: adapting to a life with less freedom, a lot more responsibility, the toll it takes on the healthiest relationships, less sleep, financial impact, career impact (especially if you are a woman).. if anything, being child-free is definitely the logical choice from a practical and financial point of view.
Having talking myself out of children completely \^ I still always wanted children. I definitely did not go into it realising how hard it would be, and I think it's good that more and more people are considering whether it's right for them, instead of having children my default, so they can go into it with their eyes open, making an informed choice.
From a practical point of view, as a very independent person, I would advise against having children unless both partners are quite financially independent. Relationships go wrong, and it is awful to be "stuck" with a partner for financial reasons, because of the children. That's life damaging to yourself and your children.
I am now 31 years old, happily single, with 2 wonderful children who are with me every other week, and their father and stepmother every other week. Everyone is thriving with this arrangement.
this_many_things@reddit
I don't think anything is going to change how you feel about not having kids. But when it finally clicks, you see less of yourself in the mirror everyday and more of this old man in the mirror. You start seeing your dad, and when you have a little one you start seeing yourself in their eyes like they've got this constant state of bewilderment of you. I enjoy being a dad, I guess because I enjoyed the time with my dad.
comoestasmiyamo@reddit
I hope so. New relationship update drops in 6-8 weeks and I'm old so I better be ready.
Went a long time thinking I didn't want or would adopt. Ready to have another adventure buddy soonish, aware that the adventures will change a lot.
Fun-Exit7308@reddit
Some thoughts that are going through my "on the fence mind" on the subject of kids.
I hear that life can get lonely as you age.
My friends make time for their friends, lovers and hobbies but yes the kids come first.
18 years time ill be 52, which gives me 28 years of life to live approximately
There are plenty of people breeding, why should I? The human race does not depend it.
What are you doing in life that is so special that I don't want to raise kids?
Nice-Masterpiece1661@reddit
I enjoy being a parent. Love my daughter and now expecting my second baby. Newborn stage is a bit scary, but it flies by so quickly. I blinked my eyes, and my daughter is 2 yo and the best, funniest, silliest, charming, amazing human being on a planet.
Honestly, I don’t understand when people are saying, that it is hard and that is why it is not worth it. I mean, our life in general is hard? No? Like anything worth doing is kind of hard in some ways? Studying is hard but interesting and satisfying. Most jobs are hard stressful and challenging, but we work and we chose professions that are hard in different ways, we enjoy challenges and it makes us better people. I remember myself before having kids and yes we traveled more, gone out more etc, but life was still kind of hard in different ways? Like seriously who has it easy nowadays? Lids are just a different challenge in life. When I was 29 I ran a marathon and training was hard, doing the thing was hard, but amazingly satisfying. The same with kids. We just choose different challenges throughout our life and this is what makes life interesting and fulfilling.
But also, having children is your decision. In modern world it is easier than ever to not to have kids. Nobody makes you do it. And nobody really cares if you do or not. Most just live their lives with kids and understand people who don’t want to have children and just let them be. We have to many things to worry about than life choices of other people really. It is a bit sad, that so many people who don’t want children need approval of someone else for not having children, like they feel that they need to justify this decision, while they actually don’t have to explain or justify it. Just don’t have kids. It is fine.
RepeatedlyIcy@reddit
OP, join the subreddit r/fencesitters you might find it useful.
The majority of people will not tell you they don't enjoy being a parent, even if they don't.
Leather-Donkey69@reddit
Honestly, I never wanted kids. Thought being a parent would be awful and that my life would be over. Then I completely changed my mind, got pregnant, and my daughter will be 1 in a few days.
I absolutely love it. I love all the little things we do. All the games we play. Getting to teach her new things. Having an afternoon snuggle nap. She has so much character and makes me laugh every single day.
It can be really hard some days, and usually she starts getting whingey around 4pm because she's starting to get hungry and tired, and I'm trying to keep her entertained while I cook tea and keep her up till 7. Teamwork is the key to getting through those few hours. My partner will get home about 5:30, have a quick shower, then entertain the baby until tea is ready. After tea, he will bath her while I clean up, then one of us puts her to bed.
After that, it's our time. Most nights, we do our own thing, but we make sure to have a date night once a week. This usually includes snacks, a film or a game and a good chat. We also always go to bed together. Every so often, we get my mum to look after baby so we can go for a meal or go out for the day, completely child free. We both understand that we need me time and us time to maintain a happy relationship and, in turn, a happy family.
I also have 3 stepsons, and when they're here, we stick to the same routine. Kids have set bed times and know to tidy away their toys and vacate the living room by a certain time so that our adult time isn't affected.
You both have to understand that you have to make the effort with yourself, each other, and the kids, and it doesn't just happen without putting in the work. There's no reason parenting should be constantly stressful, exhausting, or a relationship killer.
legoartnana@reddit
I was a young mum, then an old one. I actively recommend being child-free unless you are 100% sure. It's a lot of work, it's never ending. It's exhausting. It's expensive and you don't completely know what you are getting into until you are in it, then it's too late 🤣🤣🤣 Yes, it's rewarding too. Seeing your children grow up and do well. The times your heart swells with love , the fun and games, so many joys. But think first. I love that people choose to be child free instead of popping out kids willy-nilly because society says that's all we are here for. It's not something that just anyone could or should do.
tawdry-eloquence@reddit
The pros outweigh the cons, but it's definitely the hardest part of life.
Knowing that you are respected and admired by a person who shapes their life around you and your behaviors is both humbling and inspiring. So get your shit together and behave the way you would want your role models to behave, then have kids.
AffectionateCoffee27@reddit
I’m still not convinced it’s all worth it. The cute internet videos get me sometimes but, honestly kids are dickheads, loud, messy and unpredictable.
Get a dog, they’re have every good quality of a toddler without the drawbacks.
Novel_Ad_8286@reddit
I'm 42M, I have no kids, I only have to work 2 days a week now and I get stoned a lot and play golf all the time.
My best mate since I was 12 is a Mon-Fri company man with a Volvo estate and a son.
We are 2 of the happiest people I know.
So I guess it's down to the individual.
Elegant_Plantain1733@reddit
As a parent my kids (13m, 10f) are my world. I love them with every fibre of my being. I wasn't ready for kids (first will never know he was a bit of a mishap), but honestly they are the best thing to ever happen to me.
Of course they are expensive. I am fortunately very well paid, but my wife never went back to work after kids. So we don't feel wealthy. If just the two of us, we would easily be able to afford the most luxurious hotels for holiday, fast cars etc. But honestly that is just stuff, and I think it would all feel hollow/boring after a while.
On a Saturday night we don't go out partying. But a bottle of wine on the sofa with my wife in front of tv is plenty for me.
As my kids grow up, I love to see their curiosity and zest for life develop, as well as their own personalities. And there are things I can share with the kids that I wouldn't necessarily dootherwise. Me and my daughter can go support the local football team (National League not premiership). My son enjoys walking up big hills with me.
My wife and I do sometimes look wistfully forward to the day they give us some peace (but still in our lives), but 13 years later very rarely do we look back. The world is simply a better place with them in it.
Ronotrow2@reddit
I have children and am a single parent. Didn't start off that way nor did I want it. It's tiring and hard but by fuck they complete me. They give me unconditional love just because I'm me and I take care of them. So many people on here giving the bs generic reddit responses and most probably don't have kids let alone left mom's bedroom. Do you. That's my opinion.
FlusteredPigeon@reddit
As a childfree person, I firmly believe you shouldn't have children unless you actively want them.
I also love the freedom and lack of stress from not having children.
I think the idea of having kids is heavily romanticised in society, and a lot of it is pure drudgery.
TheTimeToStandIsNow@reddit
It’s the best thing in the world
HighlyVolatile@reddit
I have vivid memories of my mum saying she wished she never had kids. It’s safe to say, I don’t want them either, as it sounds like a nightmare.
ClickkickBoom@reddit
Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
Martin Mull
External-Bet-2375@reddit
Have kids if you want to, don't if you don't. Whether you do or not will likely change if you are in a stable relationship or not.
It's a choice at the individual level, but at the societal level enough children need to be churned out to keep our society going, that's where govt policy comes in to incentivise more children.
But then that becomes an environmental ponzi scheme anyway so I would just say do what you want and respect it if others choose other options.
ShortKingLifting@reddit
Yep, my kids are great and I can't fault them.
I wish my son would pull his finger out because he's a bit lazy but he's well behaved and quiet so I leave him to it mostly.
Both my daughters work hard at school and listen to what I say, never had to put up with any tantrums either. I just hope they either come to me or their mum if they have any issues that they feel like they need to talk about.
seandc121@reddit
it can be hard to be the only person in a group of friends that doesn't have children, but its ok. a friend i know and his wife never wanted kids, until the wife started feeling it was now or never . so he agreed. 16 years later they would both say it was the worse mistake they ever made. no details but needless to say it has been terrible for them. my experience is completely opposite, we had our child a bit older , i was 43 wife was 36. we had already travelled the world , upgraded home to 3 bed. our Son is a joy to be with.
if you feel you don't want kids and your either on your own or your partner totally agrees with you. then go off and enjoy your life. it is your choice.
soultinkerer@reddit
I found it very difficult at first. It’s hard. I was on high alert for years -problems with the dad. No sleep. The constant divided attention. Not really knowing what I was doing and second guessing myself. Advice being contrary to my instincts. I was so unsure of myself. It took me a while (years) to get off the merry go round and really learn to connect with and enjoy being with my kid. I mean it was always nice before. But hard. And now it feels joyous. This is only anecdotal, but I wonder if some parents have so much going on with jobs and childcare and the stresses of life and expectations, that they rarely get the chance to wind down and enjoy their kid. I wish I’d learned how sooner.
WillingnessBitter799@reddit
It's not all that bad. Yes, life changes, but change is gd. I don't feel I spend more money now than when I was child free. In fact, I spend less as a night out would be £100 a time. who wants to see an auld glasga bird up the dancing on a Saturday night anyway
Unhappy_Spell_9907@reddit
I'm in a somewhat unusual position in that I already know what being a parent is like even though I'm not one. I am the oldest of 3 and a decade older than my baby brother. My mum was pretty unwell for a few years after having him and my dad is totally useless, so I did a lot of the parenting.
It's hard work. But actually I loved it. Me and my brother are very close. Caring for him was enjoyable for me. It's also where my talents lie. Even though it was tough and I was thrown in at a very young age, I'd do it all again.
GodzillaSteak@reddit
Kids are awesome. That being said, please don't have any if you are not absolutely 100% desperate to want them and give up A LOT for it. You will suffer, they will suffer, and it's never over.
mandlepot@reddit
With all the things you've mentioned being true, the love is worth it.
Marklar_RR@reddit
Maybe I am doing something wrong but with one kid I still have my free time, enjoy my days off and go on holiday a few times a year. I also sleep well, it’s not like kids are babies forever. After first 5-6 months they usually sleep through the night. They also don’t cost a fortune. We managed with one salary for first five years and without family help.
Croaker843@reddit
You don't need a child. Nobody needs to have a child. Enjoy your life without that burden.
2wheelbanditt@reddit
Sometimes
jj198hands@reddit
Being a parent is a bit like eating out, everybody talks about bad service 2-3 times as often as they talk about good service, but the plus side is huge, its just that social media aside, there isn't always a lot of evidence of it.
Informal_Fan_6199@reddit
Eating out? What's that 🤣
We stopped doing that for a few years but as they try older these things get easier.
But wouldn't be without them!
LilGreenGobbo@reddit
Some kids sleep fine! I do enjoy being a parent, yeah kids can be a bit of a headache at times but not constant stress. Skint, not really, yeah there’s costs but there’s ways to save on things and if you’re not an idiot you’d be ok. It does add an extra feature ti a relationship and you do have to work on it with your partner anyway. Yuo have as much freedom as you like!
Ohana71@reddit
I know for a fact not every marriage goes down the drain/loses their spark when they have children. I also know for a fact not every marriage is skint after having children. Your perception of having children is warped by your friends. If done properly, having children will only add to your life. The love and joy felt from your children outweighs the sacrifice.
BeccasBump@reddit
I absolutely love it, but I always knew it was the right choice for me. If it isn't the right choice for you, that's fine too. It isn't selfish, it's just that different things make us happy.
MiddleAgedCoder@reddit
Being a parent is not easy at all. If you're only interested in yourself, and what you want to do, don't have kids.
For me, my daughter changed my world. I used to worry about the things I enjoy that I'd have to give up, but turns out, those things don't even compare anymore to spending time with her.
No amount of AAA games on my PS5, holidays or evenings in the pub will beat a giggling toddler in your arms who randomly stops, looks at you, and gives you a kiss.
I'd give everything I have, and ever will have to that little girl.
gagagagaNope@reddit
Heck, even we've openly pondered what could have been if we'd not had him during during those moments. Only in jest, of course (honest).
As time goes on we're happier, and as our parents get older and frailer, we're really getting it.
But fuck, we're tired and poor and the house constantly looks like we've been burgled.
ConsciouslyIncomplet@reddit
Yes - but have zero doubt that it is absolutely the HARDEST job you will ever have. It will drain you mentally and physically yet nourish you in ways you cannot imagine.
mooningstocktrader@reddit
in my opinion. its fine to not have kids. but you need to do something else.
I have no kids, but i am rich.
I have no kids, but i have an amazing lifestyle.
ect
Free_Ad7415@reddit
I’ve never massively want children, and don’t have any. But I’m really good friends with my parents and love the things we do together, so sometimes I do wonder if I’ll miss never having that
sybil-vimes@reddit
I love being a parent. Sure, there are some things I miss, but those things are as much a result of the state of the economy etc as they are because I had children. I also don't feel my children caused a problem with certain areas of my life, but my (at the time) employer's (illegal and discriminatory) treatment of me for having children did. But everything I get from being a parent far outweighs anything that has changed. But, I think deciding to be a parent isn't something a person should take on lightly and if you're unsure then just don't, because those are real people you'll be responsible for. I'm glad the world is changing so that it's more acceptable for people to say "you know what? Parenthood just isn't for me thanks" and I have massive respect for anyone who makes that choice. But yeah: I don't just love my children with all my heart, I really like them as people as well. I've never laughed so much or so hard as I have most days since becoming a parent. It isn't all sunshine and rainbows, but that's the same for any relationship or area of life.
Killgore_Salmon@reddit
I enjoy being a parent. It’s super difficult and fun. Little ones need constant care. Putting others above oneself is not for everyone. There are plenty of people that have no interest in that. Some of those people don’t have kids and live wonderful lives. Others have kids are a miserable and bad parents. Others still have kids and a bit flips and they figure it out.
Your whole “am I just selfish?” Question is pretty self indulgent. Yes, of course you’re just selfish. But who cares? As a human and a parent, I don’t care about you. Why does your selfishness matter to anyone other than yourself?
Are you happy, fulfilled, and engaged? If so, then keep doing that. Or don’t, who cares?
ben_jamin_h@reddit
I've never really thought about having kids that much. I'm not against it, I'm just not really that into it either. I like kids when they're able to have a conversation, I enjoy helping them learn stuff and discover things. That's kind of exciting to me, but the actual day to day cleaning of shit and wiping snot and listening to screaming and shouting and all that stuff just sounds like the worst thing in the world...
My wife really wants kids. I figure I can put up with a few years of the screaming baby / toddler stage until they grow up enough to not be screaming nobs the whole time.
Anyway, last night I had such a vivid dream that my wife was pregnant and we were both so over the moon happy about it that I woke up and was disappointed that she wasn't.
So that's fucking weird, and I've never had a feeling like that or thought about that in such a way before.
I guess what I'm saying is you might just change your mind about how you feel about it with the right person and at the right time in your life. I feel like my mind is changing about it recently.
TabularConferta@reddit
I'm a parent and I adore being so, but here is the important thing...it's not for everyone. It's not easy and I'd say I'm certainly less chill than I use to be, but my spawn are a huge source of joy and wonder for me. Saying this I'll reiterate, if you don't want them, that's okay too. Kids require a lot of sacrifice as you listed, but its more like a trade, if your not willing to make the trade then its not for you and let's be fair its also wouldn't be fair on the kid.
You do you and enjoy it, never let anyone make you feel bad about deciding not to have kids.
Littlemouse0812@reddit
I always wanted kids. I knew I wanted a family.
It’s the most exhausting, relentless, all-consuming, neverending job but by fuck is it the best thing I’ve ever done. My eldest started school two weeks ago and she came home singing the months of the year today. Like… she didn’t know that four days ago. I can see her actually LEARNING every day. My house has become a spider haven lately, she likes to look at the spiders when my husband puts them outside. I hate spiders but I have a new appreciation for how fucking cool nature is.
You start seeing the world with completely different eyes and I absolutely wouldn’t change it for the world.
I’d like an all inclusive holiday for a week a year completely by myself though. That would be nice.
danjama@reddit
We have a 2 year old and she's an absolute joy. Obviously it's hard work looking after an entire extra human but nothing worthwhile is easy and it's completely up to us how we raise her. The first six months were brutal but it's got better and better since. Wouldn't want to live without her now.
cheskie18@reddit
I have 2 small kids and live 5000 miles from my support network. It’s hard BUT for me, it’s also about the long term. Sleepless nights are a tiny percentage of your parenting journey. I want big family gatherings, helping wjth school projects, seeing them grow up, grandchildren, all of it.
Also reading all the holiday comments, I go on just as many holidays now as I ever did, the kids just come too.
It’s not selfish to want free time but parenting evolves and changes. You don’t have babies forever!
chuchoterai@reddit
Yes. Of course, parenting can be difficult and thankless but it is also joyous and fulfilling.
I didn’t particularly want to be a parent but I’m so happy that I changed my mind. I can’t imagine missing out on knowing my children.
Ok-Elderberry-6761@reddit
Short answer I love it, but that doesn't mean you will. I think a lot of parents don't. I come in from work in the morning and my daughter (4) is the first person to greet me and is always bright as a button just as she is when she comes out of school and chats my ear off about her day, my son (12) is usually the first person on board with going out on motorbikes, snowboarding or just about anything (although he wouldn't come paddle boarding the other week which was a shame, maybe because he's getting older) and as far as everyday normal days go they make them all the better, sure there are things I wish I could do if I didn't have them, holidays and living on a boat/in a van but there's time for that when they're grown and who's to say I'd have done them anyway, but I think I got pretty lucky, I didn't know I'd enjoy it until they were here and if I hadn't I'd have had to just devote a big chunk of my life to them regardless as it's what all kids deserve but I guess if you really think about it that's a leap everyone who decides to have kids has to take and just hope being a parent is everything you expected it'd be.
As for is it selfish to not have kids? Definitely not, it's your life and there are way more than enough of them without any one person choosing to have them, fact is I think too many people have kids by default and then drag them up in a miserable half arsed existance only for them to have to try to find their own way when they reach adulthood, it's much better to not have kids and leave a happy life than to have kids and hate it.
HarryBlessKnapp@reddit
People without kids are happier. People with kids find their life has more meaning.
My 4yo asked me if we could do some boxing before bed time just now. I said yes. He immediately ran off shouting to his big brother, "Dad said we can fight him!". The excitement in his voice just reinforced what a difference I can make to them. I can't really even describe to you the feeling it gave me. I felt 10 feet tall.
I'd spent the previous 4 hours cleaning up after them, cooking & moaning at them.
I have no regrets from my day.
butfirst_caffeine@reddit
It's really weird. I miss the extra money and freedom, yet if I could somehow turn back time, I'd still choose parenthood without a shadow of a doubt. Anything worth having isn't easy and the same goes for kids.
I started to find life a bit meaningless, superficial and empty towards the end of my twenties and felt ready for kids. Work, restaurants, bars, a bit of travelling, spending time with partner and friends. Rinse and repeat. I honestly got tired of thinking about myself all the time. 😂 It's nice to put that effort into someone else and see them flourish and succeed and not be held back by the baggage I had from my own childhood. There are so many emotional moments - think first laugh, their first I love you, their first day of school. And I'm already picturing that moment when they are young adults and we sit down in a restaurant together and they tell me about what's going on in their lives and I can just sit back and admire them or guide them provided that they don't hate me. 😂
Consistent-Koala-339@reddit
It is true your free time on your own will significantly go down to almost nothing.
I have two kids, 6 and 10 and I get one 4 day "lads weekend" per year, and maybe 5 other days a year off.
the first years are a bit of a shock, but its ok honestly once they settle down and grow up a little. you can still go on holiday, still do what you want, still do your hobbies, you just have two little mates with you haha (you might be surprised how much they get into your interests if you show them)
athenae99@reddit
I’d rather have my teeth pulled out one by one than having a child.
I said what I said.
Jonny_Dangerous999@reddit
50(m) with two teenage kids. I love being a Dad.
It's such hard work, we (my wife and I) often feel like we are lurching from one crisis to the next, I question my ability to parent almost daily, I rarely have quality time for my missus and almost never for myself, but I wouldn't change it for anything.
I have come to the conclusion that parenthood is what I was born to do. It gives me more joy, pride and a greater sense of achievement than pretty much anything else I have ever done.
At 31 I was also in a new relationship and not sure whether or not I wanted children (although thought it likely I would with the right partner). A year later I met my now wife, the following year we got married and a year after that we got pregnant.
It worked out for us, but that doesn't mean it's right for everyone.
Dawnbringer_Fortune@reddit
Im 30 and think its time for me to have a child. Comments here are interesting
soundslikethunder@reddit
I love being a parent and I love my children to death. But I do it pretty much on my own now and it is hard. They see their dad 3 nights a fortnight, he pays maintenance, I work two jobs. I have 3 nights a fortnight to go do what I want, but all my friends have kids, there are only so many places to go on your own. Having kids with someone is very different to having kids nearly on your own. This was never the plan. Obvs I want them with me but the picture is very different now to how it began. Not taking away from parents who are actually doing it on their own 100% btw. Respect.
TheKillersHand@reddit
Being a parent is amazing. It's also hard work, a lot of hard work. If I didn't want to be a parent I could see how it might be hell on earth.
Each to their own. Don't have kids if you don't really really really want them. It's not fair on you or them if you do.
blearyeyedben@reddit
The child is sound the other half isn’t
FriedGold32@reddit
I always say I didn't want children until about 3 years after we had our first. Got 2 now and they're lush. It gives life a purpose that you don't know you're lacking until it arrives.
delaquanda@reddit
Yes, I love it - very rewarding so far.
anonoaw@reddit
I love my daughter more than it’s possible to explain, it’s like no other thing in my life. I love being a parent, but I often really dislike the day-to-day of being a parent. My daughter is nearly 3 and it’s relentless.
It’s totally okay to not want kids and decide the trade off isn’t worth it - for some people it isn’t!
NorthernSoul1977@reddit
I'd just like to add that my colleagues probably think I dislike my kids. When I talk about them it's usually as a jokey complaint, or an excuse for my fatigue. The truth is I absolutely adore them and they've unlocked a part of my soul I didn't know I had.
However, I'm conscious that nobody wants to hear that and, for those that are trying to have kids or want them but haven't met the right person it would feel insensitive if I was to wax on about the little scamps.
Guess what I'm saying is that maybe a lot of your friends are happy to have a moan about the negative stuff, which will give you a fresh appreciation of your freedom. But they're so not insensitive enough to crap on about something joyfully that you might not get to experience.
space_coyote_86@reddit
Yeah. My youngest is only almost 2 weeks old and to be completely honest I do not enjoy the early phase but after that it just gets better and better. I love being a dad to my almost 3 year old. Hearing them from when they start babbling to when they start learning words and forming their first sentences is the best.
Still going to get the snip soon though because I don't think I could deal with a third.
Puzzledandhungry@reddit
Best thing in the world x
Puzzleheaded-Win5301@reddit
I don't even enjoy being me....
MurkySalamander106@reddit
I read a few articles that 1 in every 8 parent regretted having a child. This is a number who actually had the guts to admit it.
HmNotToday1308@reddit
I'll say honestly if I could go back in time I would have waited a few more years to have my first child because I wasn't ready, and I can say without a doubt I do NOT enjoy every moment or miss those "oh so precious" stages that people like to gaslight you with online.
However, for the most part it's enjoyable.. I love my kids and seeing them become their own person but it is hard in every context.
DarthNovercalis@reddit
Do I miss the ability to have a lie in on the weekend, the ability to go out and do whatever or the missus fancy at the drop of a hat? Absolutely. Is my 4 year old one of the most stress inducing things I've ever had to deal with? Also absolutely! Is that little monster my world and would I do anything for them? Also also absolutely. I'd never begrudge someone not wanting kids though, because it's not for everyone. Best advice would be; you do you.
Katiekoo_72@reddit
Not having children is a very valid and reasonable life choice & don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Having children can be lovely, but sometimes it’s not. You shouldn’t have any unless you really really think it’s for you. I think the pressure people feel to reproduce is mental!
biggestdawg1234@reddit
I love my kids, i dont love being a parent
wonkyOnion@reddit
What I found important in having children is legacy. Been very long way for me to get where I am and that's not the end of my rodeo. And at some point I started thinking what's gonna happen with all that I worked for, not necessarily material things, but also wisdom, experience etc. Etc. But I have friends that had it similar if not worse to me and they don't care for passing it to someone. So do what fits you best
811545b2-4ff7-4041@reddit
By the very definition: Yes, you are selfish. Part of becoming a parent is putting your own desires aside for the benefit of your kids. Your time, your money, your space, your freedom..
When they are under 5 it can be VERY hard work at times. When they hit their teenage years they can stress you beyond belief. They won't be tiny copies of you - they'll be their own person.
I enjoy it at times. It frustrates me at times. I wouldn't have it any other way.
trichishvili@reddit
I have to point out that you had kids in the first place because YOU wanted to have them and enjoy them, you WANTED to be a parent, it’s hardly selfless. Childless/childfree people are also doing what they want and what will bring them most enjoyment. What a nasty piece of work to come and comment this.
811545b2-4ff7-4041@reddit
Oh, of course. I wanted kids, I wanted a family. I wanted to do parent things. It's stuff I wanted, but it's not at the expense of anyone else, so fails at the definition of selfish.
I am NOT saying all child-free/childless people are selfish.
swungover264@reddit
Just because parenting involves a lot of self-sacrifice, that doesn't mean that choosing not to have kids is selfish. Having kids and then not caring for them is definitely selfish. Choosing not to have them at all is pretty neutral.
811545b2-4ff7-4041@reddit
It's tautological - if your reason for not having kids is just to have more stuff for yourself (time, money, freedom) the word for this is selfish.
Thosing not to have them for other reasons is thus, not selfish.
swungover264@reddit
No it isn't, because parenting is not mandatory. It isn't an either/or scenario. It's not a duty that you only get out of if you have a "good enough" reason.
Making choices that let you have more of your time, money or freedom for yourself doesn't take it away from other people. It doesn't hurt anyone.
Mousehat2001@reddit
It’s the bond makes it worth it. I don’t think I truly understood that level of love. It’s hard, and my one year old can drive me crazy, but I couldn’t be without him now. Idowantaweekendawaythough…
Pink_Flash@reddit
36 and I've never wanted kids either. I cam barely take care of myself, let alone someone else.
The world will not miss me or my genes lol
MidnightRambler87@reddit
Spooky, pretty much my feelings word for word.
monistar97@reddit
I love my boy, he’s so cuddly at the moment and I can’t remember what life was before him. It feels like he’s always been there.
We’ve been on holiday already (10 weeks old was the trip), he starts nursery next week and my partner is arranging a date day for us, we do everything we want just with our tiny friend!
luala@reddit
I was leaning towards no kids because most of my girl friends were married single parents, if you know what I mean? But I met a guy who takes the bins out without needing a discussion about it and decided maybe I’d risk it.
What I can report is that IF you have an equal partnership and IF you are financially secure, healthy, and securely housed and IF you have a supportive network and at least one of you has a family-friendly workplace and IF your kid is easy and super laid back, as IF you only have one of them, and it’s an easy pregnancy/birth experience it’s fun and manageable and adds a lot to your life and wider relationships. But I’m not sure how great it would be without at least most of those blessings.
PoppySkyPineapple@reddit
32, me and my partner are quite happy never having children for the above reasons.
LeafyLustere@reddit
I enjoy it but it's also very expensive and stressful, a a huge responsibility, there's a severe lack of freedom for me that goes with it. I'm also forever tied to my ex through them
runrduck@reddit
I’m the only one of my close friends without kids. I have zero regret about this but neither do my friends who are parents regret their choice, although I know a few people who say they’d have been just as fulfilled if they’d stayed child free. I’m sure if I’d had children I’d be just as happy with that life, but it’s just not something I ever wanted and nothing has ever changed my mind about that. No one else’s experience should influence your own choice because only you will have to live with the decision to have children or not.
Pointbreakagain@reddit
I love being a father and wouldn't change it for the world. There are good and bad days, but still love it. I never wanted to bea parent a few years ago, now, it is the best feeling ever.
MrAlf0nse@reddit
Pretty fucking awesome sometimes and sometimes the worst shit you can possibly encounter…sometimes within 3 minutes
ConfusedPanda17@reddit
Yes, I do really enjoy it. It's hard and can be exhausting but I find it incredibly fulfilling and love being a parent. My son is 5.5 now and it's a lot easier and so much more fun.
Adventurous-Macaron8@reddit
After living with a 3 year old for 5 weeks, I'm so happy I delayed having kids. Now I KNOW I don't want any.
Pumpkin-Salty@reddit
All of this is true. And I wouldn't change it for the world. It's not about what I've lost, but what I've gained.
clovercottage@reddit
32f and married. Never had the urge to have children and neither has my husband. Very much enjoying the freedom, sleep and lack of noise. Fully respect others choices to have children but bit fed up of them insisting I don't know real love until I birth a child. I'm firm in my choice and waiting for a hysterectomy approval. Children are not in my lifeplan
jme-stringer@reddit
So as someone that became a dad for the first time just 2 years ago at the age of 35. Everything you've pointed out is true; being stressed out, lack of sleep, zero time for myself etc but for me, it has been completely worth it.
I cannot tell you how utterly and unconditionally in love I am with my daughter and how despite all of the above, she makes life worth living and has given me a real purpose which I was severely lacking. It is by far the best thing I've done, but also the most difficult.
Now, does that mean you should have kids? No. If you enjoy your life as it is and the freedom that not having kids brings, then happy days. It is not selfish to not have kids. Not at all.
xerinae-Shirleen@reddit
i don't know, but i think it's better to be a parent.
Harrry-Otter@reddit
Why?
fleetwood_mag@reddit
I have a six month old daughter and I’m loving it. Yes I’m tired and yes I have argued with my OH more than usual. (Sleep deprivation will do that to you). But we still go travelling together, with the baby. Trips for Spain and Australia booked for next year and we have gone for triathlon events that my partner partakes in. We sleep in our campervan. We are generally enjoying our daughter and I’m so glad I had her. She’s my joy.
BassplayerDad@reddit
Equally blessed & cursed
Good luck
allthedreamswehad@reddit
Not today I didn’t, got a call from school that my youngest had been caught selling vapes at break
ModoTheGardener@reddit
I love it. I'm tired and stressed out but I know and always knew this would be right for me. I've had some truly awful experiences in my life, but now every day is full of so much love. Frustration and stress and a general feeling of tiredness, sure, but so, so much love. Love for my beautiful children, love for my husband, love for my dog, I'm just very, very happy.
It's not going to be for everyone but also happiness isn't the same for everyone. Me and my husband have a plan to eventually sell up and fuck off to a little cottage in the country with a bit of land for a smallholding. We'll have to live on my income and we won't be as well off as we are now but we plan to be very happy. For some people that isn't success, but it would make us happy. In the same way, we could have more money and time and energy but none of those things would make us as happy as our children have.
My happy is not your happy and that's okay.
starwars011@reddit
Just to add some perspective, but Im a father yet I don’t like kids, and I never have liked kids. I still hate it when I’m on a bus or train, and they try and look at me from the seats in front. Basically I’m trying to say I’m not a natural with kids in any way. So I don’t think liking kids necessarily should be a deciding factor of whether you should have kids.
I love my daughter (3 yo) and love how she looks up to me and is at the age where she is becoming my little assistant with everything she sees me doing (including trying to type on my work laptop!). I’ve also travelled extensively in the past and even lived abroad, which I enjoyed too. Sometimes I miss travelling, but honesty life overall feels richer now I have my daughter and I wouldn’t trade my current life to get that ‘freedom’ back.
I can’t say why their spark is gone from their relationship, but that wasn’t the case with my relationship at least. We already have so many amazing memories as a family. My daughter saw the ocean for the first time this summer, and it was just so satisfying seeing her enjoy herself so much.
Cap2017@reddit
Talking about how little sleep you’ve had/ how little money you’ve got is like talking about the weather. Just easy conversation. Often over exaggerated. For me, the good FAR outweighs the bad.
Nixm87@reddit
I’m a parent of two children (8 and 3). Life is hard. Every day is planned around the children, you can’t be spontaneous, you spend all your money on them, life is busier than you can ever imagine, your relationships suffer, your relationship with your other half suffers, you can’t hardly do anything for yourself or on your own, work suffers and the tiredness is something you wouldn’t have experienced before. BUT being a parent is the best thing in the World. It’s so so worth it and you don’t want to do a lot of the other things you did before. Yes it is so stressful and I can totally understand why some people don’t want children. But in my eyes it’s the best thing I have ever done. Only advice from me would be to do everything you want to do first because it’s so much hardly to plan, afford, travel or simply do things once you have kids! Of course you can still do whatever you wants it’s just a bit more of a mission!
Hamsternoir@reddit
Personally I would say the joy of being a parent far outweighs any possible negatives. There hasn't been a single moment when I've regretted it.
But that's just me.
Everyone is different so don't let society or anyone put pressure on you.
misterhumpf@reddit
As a parent of three boys. Children are the best part and worst part of every day. Stressed out, no sleep, skint and no time for myself. I recognise all of that. I also love them wholeheartedly and wouldn't change a thing. Cuddling up with my youngest and reading a Roald Dahl book together is absolutley the best thing I'll do today. Going for a walk with my 11 year old and finding a rope swing over a river was the highlight of my weekend. I dont think it's selfish at all to not want children. I think I could of gone either way. I would love more free time and freedom, but I;m here now and these are the choices I've made.
One_Idea_239@reddit
I love being a parent, but it isn't for everyone. It is bloody hard work and stressful, but can be amazing. But less so when they are being twats at school. On the whole positive and I don't remotely regret it, but there have been times when I wondered about a returns policy.
mycatiscalledFrodo@reddit
Mid lockdown had me googling boarding schools and trying to figure out if we could afford it (we couldn't) but in reality when they go away with my parents I miss them like crazy by about day 3
whyy_i_eyes_ya@reddit
It's tiring, hard, tiring, expensive and tiring. I'd describe it as making life a bit more extreme. The lows are very low, especially in the midst of the sleepless phase. But the highs are higher than anything that came before. It's like if before you were living on a scale of 1-10, your new scale is more like -5 to 20.
One thing no one told me that terrifies me is your worst-case scenario becomes a thousand times worse. Things I used to be scared of seem comically twee now.
Wild_Debt_8065@reddit
Always knew that I didn’t want kids. Old now and have never doubted that decision.
mycatiscalledFrodo@reddit
On the whole yes. Our girls are brilliant and funny, there several a dull moment and watching them turn into actual humans is pretty cool. However there are a lot of sacrifices to be made, compromises to be had and they do put pressure on a relationship. That's why people really shouldn't have them before doing things they want to do, or to fix a broken relationship. If you can't see yourself being happy making comprises and putting things on hold for a few years then it's probably not for you. Babies and toddlers are portable and you still have a degree of freedom with last minute holidays etc but once they go to school that's gone, you need to plan around school runs and term dates which takes away quite a lot of freedom
sunshine5834@reddit
Yes I love it. My daughter is the best thing I ever did and she’s brought so much love and joy into our lives. I don’t regret a thing. It is absolutely exhausting though, and if we have more it will probably be another decade before we start getting more free time.
Shoes__Buttback@reddit
Answering the question in good faith, do I enjoy being a parent? Yes, I do enjoy it, very much. But I'm me, not you. Your mileage may vary.
Answering the question that you skirted around - is being a parent easy? Often, shockingly, no. It can be quite hard, and expensive.
Is it worth it? For me, yes.
what_i_reckon@reddit
I think if someone has children then until those children are adults, those children should be the parents number 1 priority.
That means they will likely be skint, stressed out, very little time for themselves and their relationships will probably suffer.
I guess you could just be a shit parent and treat your kids as an accessory to your life, but that’s not really fair on the child.
Obviously it needs to be balanced a bit, but the kids should be the priority. You’ll start to get your life back when they are teenagers, and when they are grown up capable adults because you put the work into them, they’ll be off living fulfilling live that you then get to be a part of.
njb1989@reddit
Parenting is fucking hard and will beat the shit out of you, also it is wonderful when the little cunts are being cunts and you can see them growing and learning and having fun.
Also, you'll want to cry more and worry a lot.
ImaginaryMeat3532@reddit
Seems odd a guy who's never ever considered wanting children has taken to Reddit to ask the community about it. Very odd. What a spontaneous guy!
chichimcghee@reddit
Yeah I love it. My relationship was solid before we decided to have kids though and with patience, work, communication and understanding coming from both of us it’s now more solid than ever. So it’s very important you start on a solid foundation and are both in agreement to try your hardest with each other should times ever get tough through all the stages of parenting.
Life changes of course it changes completely but that doesn’t mean misery. You get creative. With your free time, with your time together - you maximise it all in different ways. You actually cherish it more well I find I do anyway. Your hobbies, your date nights, your shagging whatever. It moves to a new normal but you need to maximise your new normal. Get creative with all of it. Have your big pie chart of life and find space for it all. Adapt it as life rolls on and the kids grow but make sure a big chunk of it involves each other.
A lot of people I know though seem to “lean into” this trope of “life is fucked because I’m a parent, I am miserable etc”. Of course some people genuinely feel that but…I don’t know how to explain it. I know a lot of people who seem to almost like playing that role. Husband is a wanker, the Mrs is on at me again, kids doing my head in, no joy to be found yet never make an effort to change even one tiny thing or see the glimmers of joy in any area of their life. A lot of people are the opposite. That’s people for you.
That said - nothing wrong at all with not having kids. A lot of child free (by choice) people seem to assume everyone with kids thinks they’re doing life wrong. A lot of people with kids seem to think child free people think they’re idiots for choosing that life. In the real world off Reddit this is rarely the case in my experience.
upthespursastrology@reddit
I have a 12yr old boy. He is awesome. I am a proud dad and each year gets better. I split from his mum when he was 2.5, but we split his time 50/50 since then. Its an honest pleasure to be a parent, and being there for someone, being responsible for them, and reaping the rewards
animalwitch@reddit
Don't feel pressured to have kids. If it's not something you feel the need to do, then don't do it.
We are child free and pretty happy about it lol
JustUseDuckTape@reddit
I want kids, I don't entirely know why. They're expensive, time consuming, noisy, messy, and just altogether make life difficult. But despite all the very good reasons not to, I want to be a dad. It's not logical, it's biological programming. It's okay if you don't want kids, and if you don't want them you probably shouldn't have them.
swungover264@reddit
No, you aren't selfish.
Parenthood requires being selfless and sacrificing a lot for your kids. But there's no obligatory requirement to become a parent. It's very common, but these days, thanks to contraception, it's much more of a choice than a given.
Choosing not to have kids isn't selfish, it's neutral.
Katherine_the_Grater@reddit
I enjoy it. My son is the one person I love the most and the one person who makes me laugh the most. Seeing the person he has become from being a little potato in a hat is quite extraordinary and an experience I had never had before becoming a parent (even though I worked with kids).
As for free time and holidays etc you just have to plan very carefully. It all comes together.
Matttthhhhhhhhhhh@reddit
Having a kid is draining and the most difficult thing in the world.
It's also the best thing in the world.
upupupdo@reddit
Having kids can increase the odds of you having visitors when in nursing home.
EconomyFreakDust@reddit
That is a terrible reason to have a kid.
thepoout@reddit
Also it's someone else looking out for you all the time.
Zaruz@reddit
Probably get hated for this, but feel it's something many of us feel but daren't say.
I love my kids but I hate being a parent. I adore the cuddles, when my youngest runs up to me for a cuddle/kiss when I finish work, seeing my eldest grow and become so clever & funny. Those are all upsides that I will forever cherish.
But I struggle. It's been over 2 years since we had a single night without kids, family is no help. Been about 7 years since I went even a week without being woken multiple times during the night (partly due to when each was born, but also generally poor sleepers). Every time we do something is a stressful battle. I've forgotten what it was like to spend quality time with the Mrs. I miss lay ins. I miss being spontaneous. I miss going to the toilet in peace.
There's a lot of downsides which are not for everyone. It's true what they say that you form an unimaginable bond and would do anything for them. It's the reason I'm still here and put on the smile every day and give them a good life, but it's definitely not for everyone and doesn't always outweigh the downsides.
thepoout@reddit
Having a a child is like increasing you "gang" size. Another one of you. Someone else who should always have your back. Who thinks you are the best thing since sliced bread (at least for a few years).
Who wouldn't want that??!
spik0rwill@reddit
I was of the same opinion before I had my boy and whilst I do miss the freedom, it isn't as bad as I thought it'd be. It's quite nice having a mini me around. :)
thepoout@reddit
Honestly. I've got 3 kids under 6. I'm 38.
Kids make you become a man. You learn about the true values in life.
You will experience emotions in ways you didn't know you could.
You will feel love in a way you didn't know you could
You will feel stress in ways you didn't know you could
You will laugh in ways you never did before
You will become more patient (you have to!)
You will feel a sense of belonging to this world that you never had before.
You will feel empathy for others with children
You will gain a new level of respect for women.
You will cry at films where bad things happen to children.
You will increase your empathy for children
You will have a new level of respect for your parents.
You will understand the world in a new way
You will relive your best experiences in life through your children.
Your kids will keep you young. (However they may age you physically ;) )
katie-kaboom@reddit
Yes. No. Maybe. Sometimes it was the best thing ever. Sometimes it sucked big, hairy donkey balls. It's hard to compress two decades of your life into a simple "did you enjoy". If you aren't ready yet (or ever), let neither reddit nor friends sway you.
jasperfilofax@reddit
I haven't found it hard in the slightest, I think people just like to play up to stereotypes
hypertyper85@reddit
Yes you're right, you will go through a period of time, 10 years at least if you have just one, where you have hardly any time for yourself. But you will also have gained a few memories, life experiences and many happy moments in that time with your mini me. Then they grow and you get more time back and resume the fun and probably appreciate it even more. But not gonna dress it up, it's hard so if you're too selfish and like doing your own thing then don't have kids 🙂
jazzmagg@reddit
I never wanted kids. I suffered depression for many years. Then I met my GF. I got a new job, we bought a new house. She got pregnant when I was 45. My son is the centre of my world. He's the best thing I've ever created.
ay2deet@reddit
The highs are higher and the lows are lower, but overall I love it. I am grateful we have no financial stress, otherwise it would be a different kettle of fish.
PinkSudoku13@reddit
Kids aren't for everyone. They hard work and you do end up making sacrifices. Some people prefer lives without children and it works for them and they'd be miserable with kids and other people love being parents and they'd be miserable without kids.
You're not selfish for enjoying to do things for yourself, you don't have any dependants. It would only be selfish if you already had kids and neglected them. Not having children is not selfish and this type of thinking needs to disappear. It's okay to want to live your life the way you want without adding responsibilities. You're not hurting anyone.
lilabear90@reddit
I absolutely love being a parent, but I do sometimes wish I'd waited a little longer in life to have kids. Alas he is here and is about to hit double digits and I couldn't be any more proud of my kiddo!
Moop_the_Loop@reddit
I like being a parent now they are grown up!
AngryTudor1@reddit
I love it.
Experiencing everything you have ever enjoyed for the first time once again through your child's eyes.
Rasty_lv@reddit
I have 1 kid. I dont want anymore kids. Sometimes its rough, but all in all, i enjoy it. He is smart, really calm and isnt like other little monsters ive seen in his class or in kids parks. 'He knows how to behave. We also share hobbies, like gaming, so thats a big plus. Im not saying parenting is for everyone, you do you. Some things are hassle, but so far yes. I enjoy. lets see what i will say after teen years lol.
But i will strongly disagree with those who say "Oh, I cant travel because of kids" and i call bs on that. You just dont want to travel with kids not that you cant. We travelled to lot of places. my kid is 8yo and 3 of us we been 6 times to spain, once in france, x3 in lithuania and countless times to latvia (latvian here, once or twice a year we go home). And in latvia and in uk we been to so many places that i cant even name all. Daytrips to peak district, london, cambridge, seaside towns, bigger towns. And multiday trips with camping in peak district (twice each summer for past 3 years), southwest uk once a year and it has been amazing experience with my kid. Then day trips and multiday trips around latvia. I spoken with lot of parents of my sons classmates and some havent seen anything more than local park. its shocking.
MrTobleroneLover19@reddit
Yeah overall yes. I mean I feel fucked (mentally and physically exhausted) most of the time but her smile absolutely melts my fucking heart but if someone comes for her I wouldn't hesitate to pull that shotgun trigger for one microsecond.
merrycrow@reddit
I'm parent to two under-5s. It's hard, stressful, can be infuriating and upsetting. Really tests your emotional limits. I wouldn't say I "enjoy" it. And yet... I wouldn't want to be without them. Life was easier before, but emptier as well. No thanks.
Jlaw118@reddit
We had a baby in March, and whilst I wouldn’t change our son for the world and he’s an absolute gem, I would never, ever judge anybody for not wanting to be parents. It’s stressful and hard work, but also great fun as well.
I’m not fond of the baby stage I’ll admit, but his little personality is starting to come out now and nothing melts my heart more than walking through the door and my little six month old’s face lighting up when he sees me!
You’re not selfish, I never really wanted children but I knew it was going to be hard finding a partner who didn’t want to start a family. And our son wasn’t planned but again, wouldn’t change him for the world
Pure_Translator_9833@reddit (OP)
That’s amazing, congratulations to you both! I love visiting my friends and seeing their kids, last night I did after a good 3 months and the changes were huge. Just don’t think that could be my daily life!
Rubberfootman@reddit
It is great, but it is also hard work.
You also have to keep reminding yourselves that you’re a couple who love and enjoy each other’s company - not just two parents raising children.
MinistryOfMothers@reddit
I love my kids. I love being a mother. My marriage is fully intact and happy. However, I am stressed, exhausted, could do with more money, and I count “me time” as brushing my teeth before collapsing in bed. But this is just a season of parenthood. The days are long and the years are short. Eventually they become less dependent on you for every little thing. There comes a day when they can get up and pour a bowl of cereal on Saturday morning and I’ll sleep past 5am. I’m just trying to soak up these early years while I have them. I’m proud of my babies, but it also breaks a part of my heart when I really notice how big they’re getting. I want to see the amazing people they will grow to be, but I also want them to stay my babies. Mothering/fathering a child is one thing. Being a parent is another and if you do it right it’s one of the hardest things you can possibly do.
Fit_Economy81@reddit
I absolutely LOVE being a parent. It's the best thing I've ever done, it's the thing I've found I'm best at in the world (this is not me saying I am the world's best dad - just that I thrive doing it). There is nothing better than finishing work and seeing my gang, dropping them off at nursery and now school! The simplest interactions fill my heart in ways I didn't even know were possible. I adore it.
To counter this there are also times where I mourn the life I used to have. A simple trip out is a logistical nightmare (there is no simple trip out), finding time to be yourself or be a couple is really tough (there are only so many hours in a day - and kids dominate that for us). I feel incredibly guilty when I even just want to go for a morning run. And there is an indescribable sense of relief once I've got them down for bedtime.
So read into that what you will! I've always said I love my kids and love being their dad. I also think that having a third would break me - I'm maxed out at 2. And I 100% understand people who don't want to be a parent because I always saw it as parking my old life (holidays, relaxing, doing sod all on a Sunday) - at least for a while, maybe forever - to start and focus on theirs. If you don't want to do that don't have kids!
Yoraffe@reddit
I think for me I've always looked forward to the idea of having a child who is of age where I can teach them, tell them stories, look after them, problem solve with them etc and pass on wisdom. Everything else is non-appealing to me and as time goes on I can't ever expect to be able to afford a child.
I wonder if maybe I need to accept it's ok to be childless but work as a mentor in another way, be it as a volunteer or mentor or coach or something, who knows.
I definitely get sad if I feel that I won't get to watch a smaller version of me grow into the world, but at the same time I can't keep thinking that I only want the good parts of being a parent and ignore the rest.
Crim_penguin@reddit
Not selfish at all! I’ll never understand the argument that not bringing something to life is selfish. You’re allowed to live the life you see yourself living. Procreation isn’t a requirement
leewoods009@reddit
I think it’s just preference, doesn’t make you selfish. Personally, the loss of free time, money etc is more than made up for in the absolute joy that children bring but I understand it’s not for everyone. Just do you and you’ll be fine.
Zerocoolx1@reddit
Yea, I enjoy it immensely. It’s very rewarding and I love spending time with them, teaching them to ride bikes, read, climb trees, be good human beings. Sure it’s really fucking hard and tiring but I think it’s worth it. I look forward to them (hopefully) growing up into well-rounded adults who can do something positive with their lives.
(Although my 5 year old daughter is being a total shit right now and I can’t wait for her to pass through this phase 😉).
Kids aren’t for everyone, but my wife and I waited until our late 30s before having them (too much fun stuff to do first) and for us it works fine (others may prefer to have them younger).
Dazzling-Event-2450@reddit
I was the same, then as I got older I just changed my whole outlook. All my friends have kids in their late 20’s and 30’s. My pair are 6 and 4. I wouldn’t change them for anything in the world. Don’t think I could cope with another though!
Temporary-Zebra97@reddit
Not a parent but was a step parent for 14 years. Based on that and what I saw parenting do to her mother it would be a big fat nope.
But I was lucky, when the relationship ended so did my step parenting.
Stinky_Socks69420@reddit
I’m not a parent but I’ll tell you about my parents.
My parents were very different people, My father was a London Criminal, who had 5 children already. My mother was a village girl, very sort of friendly and not used to a city and my mother had no children. My mother got to 30 and she thought that she should have children because she’s getting older and she won’t always have that ability. Anyway, my mother knew that my father fancied her and because she wanted children she took advantage of that and got with him, they married within 7 months of meeting, and had my brother at 32. My mother got pregnant again at 35, this ended in miscarriage. My mother got pregnant again at 38, resulting in me. However because my parents had me older I was more likely to have issues, I’m autistic, I have SPD, SCD, potential ADHD and hypermobility. And years later my parents marriage fell apart and they secretly hate each other but for some reason are still together :/
My advice to you is, You should have children whilst you still have the opportunity, the older you get the less likely to have a child the older you get, and even if one is conceived, the older you are the more likely it is to be born with issues. Do it whilst you still have the chance, but don’t rush into marriage like my parents did, make sure you know who you want to be the other parent of your child, and then do it, good luck, wish you the best.