Did you help your kids buy a home? Or let them do it on their own?
Posted by Sounders1@reddit | GenX | View on Reddit | 454 comments
My spouse and I are currently in a disagreement on weather or not we should assist our son (25) and his wife with a down-payment for a home. Last time they visited he mentioned they were saving to buy a home. When they left I suggested we help them. My wife flipped out and said we've spoiled him enough, we paid for his college and his current vehicle (bought for college), their wedding and honeymoon. Her stance is we purchased a home with no help and they should too. I feel different, it's something we can afford to do financially and why not give them a head start? I'm guessing it will take them years to save enough. They both work full-time and are responsible adults, they never ask us for money. As a compromise I mentioned lending them the money which made her silent. For now I've let the issue go. It was much easier for us to buy a home in the 90s versus today I feel. Anyone else go through something similar with their spouse and kids?
ZebraBorgata@reddit
Gift it perhaps. I am THRILLED I’m not trying to purchase a house under the current insane prices! The value of my house I bought in 2001 is now worth 2.5x what I paid for it. I only have 7 months left on my mortgage too then I own it! I think without help it will be difficult for young people to get started.
kipy7@reddit
We had two different reactions from parents. We were looking to buy our first house in 2020. My in-laws had budgeted $100k for each kid to go towards down payment. My parents gave us $5k after the fact. In both cases, we didn't ask and were not expecting any help. Grateful for anything.
pentoge@reddit
Nope. At some point they have to learn to adult and having us constantly buying them stuff or bailing them out doesn’t help them with that. My kids both saved, and when they bought the house, we did gift them $5000 as a “housewarming gift” to help with some purchases (furniture etc).
It’s hard, I know - I constantly want to bail them out and pay for stuff when I see them putting up the good fight but still struggling but they have to learn to hustle, just like we did. Sorry, but your wife is right on this one.
Ok-Win-9099@reddit
I will be helping all of my children with down payment money. Even if it is just 5K each, it helps
eugenesnewdream@reddit
If your son had been ungrateful/entitled about everything you've done for him financially thus far (college, car, wedding, HM) I'd say leave it. You haven't indicated that he was--you said they never ask, although you didn't say they've been particularly grateful either, but let's assume they have. Why not help them get a start if you can? I can understand that your wife fears them becoming "spoiled" but I think that time has passed. They're adults and, by your own description, responsible. You're 100% correct that it's much harder now to afford a home. Presumably your money will go (at least in part) to them when you go anyway as you can't take it with you, so why not share the wealth a bit more now and help them get set up? I wouldn't advise buying them a whole house outright (even if you can), but helping with the down payment, where's the harm? My in-laws were in that sort of position with my husband--they paid for his college, I think his first couple of cars were their hand-me-downs, and they helped him with a down payment for his first home (all before we met). They offered to give us a lump of cash for the wedding but it felt like too much so we compromised and said, "you just cover the rehearsal dinner and the alcohol." (Those totaled less than they'd offered, we made sure.) They're always generous and we're very grateful. It has helped us be in better financial standing as a couple even though I had no such background--not because my parents were stingy but they were very much working-class, I was a first-generation college graduate, etc. So I had debt very early in life (student loans, car loans) without the sort of help my ILs gave my husband and you've given your son. If anything I'm the more financially irresponsible one of the two of us, so I wouldn't say that financially assisting your son will make him lack financial responsibility. I hope you can come to an agreement with your wife! Tell her about all the feedback in this thread supporting your intention. Hopefully it will come down to haggling over an amount. I imagine whatever you wind up offering will be greatly appreciated.
Next_Appointment4954@reddit
Nope…. I would give them a set amount for each as a house warming. Maybe a couple thousand. But not the down payment. Kids today make more money than the older generation.
doctor_machinegun@reddit
is this a troll comment? theres no way anyone can be this monumentally out-of-touch
Therecanbenopeace@reddit
Housing has gone up more than the average persons salary by a long shot.
Potential_Lie_1177@reddit
I am ok with paying for school and help with a downpayment. But no to fully pay for the wedding and the honeymoon. So I guess it is the equivalent in amount of money?
I am also ok with helping the grandkids with tuition if I can afford it.
aardvark92@reddit
I rented until I was 40, and by then the housing market was already insane. My parents were able to help with the down payment, and it made a big difference. If I'm able, I intend to do the same for my kids.
cOntempLACitY@reddit
Our kids aren’t at that stage yet, but we do help with college (I had no help from my own parents). If our retirement was going to be more than comfortable (even accounting for potential longterm care), and our income could support it, maybe we’d gift them some. But I don’t think we’d do all the things (car, wedding, honeymoon, plus dp). We’re still setting up our own retirement (so they won’t have to help us).
My spouse and I had no financial help, even for a wedding, and went from tiny starter home and sweat equity to a family home. If you have the means, giving the equity on top of it all is a path for passing down generational wealth, and is a way to give during your lifetime vs after you’re gone, when they may not need it as much. But struggle also teaches us things, we gain a lot from doing certain things ourselves (sense of accomplishment, trials working together as a couple). If you do want the wealth to last, you need to do more to ensure they how to manage it all once you’re gone (educating, estate planning, capital preservation, etc).
gosubuilder@reddit
They need to figure out how to adult. And buy what they can afford.
You need to worry about your retirement funds.
doctor_machinegun@reddit
real boomer vibes 😂
patbagger@reddit
1926 Peace
CriticalOverThinker@reddit
As long as your own retirement is more than covered, it should be fine. And how are your kids finances? Do they have an emergency savings, 401ks, credit card debt? I'd go over all that with them before considering any further financial help. Your wife does have a point, too, if you paid for college, a car, a wedding, AND the honeymoon, you've been more than generous. Maybe consider a very low-interest loan, like some of the other commenters mentioned.
CuriousMost9971@reddit
This is always situational, but I would never suggest lending that money. It should gift or nothing.
Hot-Freedom-5886@reddit
We will help when the time arrives.
The world of real estate is much different now than it was when we bought our homes in the 1990s and early 2000s.
return_of_valensky@reddit
my parents did not help me or my siblings and they could have. it was just never even brought up. we managed. they did pay for state college for both of us, though.
midgetyaz@reddit
They could and just didn't? Even though tax-free gifts are a thing?
Snoo_45369@reddit
I bought my daughter's home and but my son is in medical school for the next 10 years. He will live with me and Ill completely support him until he is done with residency so we will look at it when he is done.
Snoo_45369@reddit
But, my family is in construction and its been a tradition for the parents to purchase their child's first starter home. It was done by my grandparents for their 2 boys and my 2 cousins and I also had our first home paid for. Now Ive had to do over 150k in remodeling I took out of an account and so everything is paid for. I realize Im very fortunate.
patbagger@reddit
No help
CurlyCupcake1231@reddit
We also got zero help for a down payment on our first house. We saved for years, rented an apartment and bought our first house for around $150K. The housing market is much different now and that same house is probably $350k or more. And it wasn’t in the best area/school district. So if our kids are working full time, actually saving and being financially responsible, but cannot come up with the entire down payment, and we have it to spare, you bet your ass we’re helping them.
conflictedolder@reddit
Unless that $150,000 was less than 10 years ago or near Gary Indiana its way more than $350
nonameforyou1234@reddit
I didn't expect help when I was 22. I didn't even seek advice.
I felt good about doing every single bit on my own.
Let them do it.
BrainSqueezins@reddit
So…”can afford it” is relative, that’s the big issue. Just because YOU think you can, doesn’t mean SHE thinks she can. It’s like shoes. To me, I‘d be happy with two pairs of good shoes, and a pair of flipflops. My wife, has a different opinion and “needs” multiples for differnt purposes. It’s her judgememt, and I disagree but won’t say she’s wrong. It’s entirely possible to have differing opinions, even diametrically opposed opinions, and have both be right.
Unless it’s life or death (and this isn’t) I would not override her on something of this financial magnitude, it will only come back to bite you.
But leaving that aside. Even if you think you know you kid and his wife, you MUST be mentally prepared for them to screw it up, for them to decide that’s an excuse to party, to go into debt elsewhere, for them get divorced and her to end up with half. You cannot foresee the future.
It’s a good thought, and my kid’s 15 so I am already looking a
doctor_machinegun@reddit
wow. what a profoundly stupid comment
princess_riya@reddit
It’s not spoiling to pay for your child’s schooling. You gave them a gift of no debt to start their life with. I have one child , she will inherit everything anyway. So if I can make her life easier and she is a responsible hard working person WHY not!?
Sorry_Survey_9600@reddit
I helped my son and daughter in law out. I can’t take it with me. I would rather see them in a house while I am still alive than them having to wait until I die. They saved ten grand and I gave them 10 grand.
briang71@reddit
Why don't you contribute to his Roth, his kids college fund, their grave plots while your at it.
Unless you are wealthy to the extent you can never spend even close to all your money, then ya id throw like 20k. Make them come up with the rest of the dp.
Southern-Stable-5089@reddit
My parents were not very well off and weren’t ever in a position to help us financially (nor did we ever expect or need it). We were in our early 30s when we bought our first home and managed it ourselves without any issues.
Today, though, I am in a much different spot than where my parents were. I might consider helping my kids buy a home, if they needed assistance.
Butterbean-queen@reddit
I only have one child. I gave them a house. Nothing extravagant. They lived in it for a few years and eventually moved to the west coast and rented it out for a couple of years. Just sold it a couple of months ago. I came from nothing and they will get everything after I die. I haven’t considered anything (camp, cars, travel, education) that I’ve done for them spoiling them. They have never acted entitled. They are a well rounded, contributing member to society.
Carpedevus@reddit
Those last two sentences are the most important part. Well done!
Bucks2174@reddit
No we did not, nor would we have. They have to learn to make sacrifices just like we did. My daughter and SiL bought a very modest home that he has remodeled himself and made a very nice place out of it. I’m proud of them. My son is in the service and they do not own because he still has two years left but I do know the ye have saved a sizable down payment for a home. We need to quit spoon feeding our kids and let them grow into adults and learn responsibility. Constantly paying their way teaches them nothing.
NvGable@reddit
I hope you have enough saved to take care of yourself when you can't, because with that attitude your children won't be taking care of you.
Bucks2174@reddit
You have zero idea of the kind of relationship I have with my kids. My son came in last weekend with the grandkids to stay with us. I see my daughter and her family all the time. Get out of here with your nonsense. Just because I didn’t coddle my kids doesn’t mean we don’t have a great relationship. Lol
NvGable@reddit
If you care to explain why anyone has to sacrifice for basic needs, because it seems more that you mean suffering.
Bucks2174@reddit
Suffering?? Lol. Making my kids into self supportive, responsible adults that don’t need to run to Dad to bail them out is a win in my book. They are proud of their own accomplishments just like I am. They are adults. Do yourself and your kids a favor and stop babying them.
NvGable@reddit
They could do all that, and you could still help them with a down payment, if you can afford it that wouldn't make them work less, because they still have to pay for the house, and everything else in life.
If you raised them well then you don't have to worry about them becoming lazy bums, just because gave them help to buy a house.
Bucks2174@reddit
My finances have nothing to do with it. They don’t need my help. That’s the whole point. I didn’t spoil or coddle them. They are now adults. They both made good choices in a spouse, they all work. They are raising their own families. They learned to work hard and save their own money and it paid off for them.
RowdySpirit@reddit
Slightly different stage, but yes. My husband and I disagree on what our college age child should cover. They pay some for their car (doesn't cover the payment or the insurance, but it's something), and the phone that they upgraded. He thinks they should pay for their phone plan, and other stuff as it comes up. I think they should focus on school and use any money they make for fun stuff, but not HAVE to work just to pay us for stuff when we can afford for them not to.
Pinstripe-Giraffe@reddit
I’m certainly prepared to, because cost of living is way higher now than it was when I was just graduating university… but my kid is doing much better financially than I was at the same age. So he might not need as much help as I did.
More importantly, though, my spouse and I are broadly aligned in that we should help our kid financially if we can. You and your wife aren’t, so you need to talk with her and understand where she’s coming from, not just be like “well a bunch of internet strangers agree with me, therefore I’m right.”
porcupine296@reddit
I helped because giving them money now makes much more difference in their lives than an inheritance when I die
TheRockinkitty@reddit
Do you have other children? Have they benefited from your generosity also?
Are you & your wife in any penny of debt? Cars, credit cards, mortgages, loans-anything? Is your retirement savings beefy?
Do you see son & DIL being together in 5 years? 40? Do you have any hint that their marriage isn’t solid? If they split in a couple of years their home will be 1/2 hers.
Have you seen your son’s & wife’s financial picture? Not in really close detail, but enough to know they aren’t ‘keeping up with the joneses’ or drug addicts or otherwise entitled/irresponsible.
I think supporting them depends on a lot of factors. I see both of your sides. Buying a home is insane these days, and if you can help your kids now without hurting you & your wife’s future, go for it. Let them enjoy their inheritances now, instead of when you’re gone. But you’ve given to your son very generously already, and hopefully you and your wife can enjoy the benefits of your savings now.
My husband and I were debt free & saving when we received a life changing inheritance. We’d have bought a house by now without the inheritance, but it wouldn’t be this house, and we LOVE our home. I’d rather have the person living & well, but his gift to us was incredible.
Agent7619@reddit
I will help my son in every single possible way. He does not need to wait until I die to inherit everything.
apatheticpurple@reddit
Same. My son inherits everything anyway, we might as well start handing it over gradually so he can live his life without waiting for us to die.
pattiwhack5678@reddit
My son and his family are living in a home we own at a drastically reduced rent. (Just enough to cover the property taxes.) The home he grew up in.
Time_Box_5352@reddit
I help my kids to the extent I can. I am not comfortable monetarily and at 71 still have my own mortgage after refinancing over the years. But my kids mean the world to me and it boggles my mind that they are married to spouses who are very comfortable, mi mortgages. Considerable savings and get no help. I just don’t get it. But that’s me. My parents were the same. Us kids meant everything and they helped us where they could. All my kids and their spouse work full time and have kids I’ babysit to save them childcare. Kicks my ass though.
GasmaskTed@reddit
Any good parent will agree that their offspring must survive. But I’m not sure your wife is demonstrating that she is in favor of her genes surviving
Prodigalsunspot@reddit
My 28-year-old bought her condo 5 years ago. She got a full ride scholarship so we gave her her down payment money which was what we had saved for her college.
My 24 year old decided not to go to college, education is not her thing. So we gave her her money and helped her by a condo.
FakenFrugenFrokkels@reddit
Does your wife feel like your kids still need raising? Does she think the last 25 years didn’t teach them to be upstanding members of society? Maybe you married a boomer?
She’s being very selfish and I’d say immature here. I know they’re not entitled to it but why not give them a head start if you have it laying around?
Wyldfyre1@reddit
I love this question. Sadly, my husband and I were never able to buy a home. We both have always worked, never asked for money, but we live in California. Yes we could have made the choice to move, but my parents were here, other factors, etc. My parents didn't have the money but definitely would have helped if they did. My mother-in-law definitely could help, she has plenty of money, but she has the attitude like your wife. Old school. If she could have helped with a down payment when we were younger, our son could have grown up in a neighborhood, not that he isn't, we are lucky enough to rent a house, but it would have been totally different. Makes me a bit sad. She sold her house and moved into a retirement home recently. She's healthy and very active so it's not that she had to but that's what she wanted to do. And it is her prerogative. And as she said it is her house to do what she wants with, but my husband was a bit disappointed because she told him that she would leave it to him and his sister then suddenly changed her mind. Once again, that is her choice but to answer your question, if we are ever in the position to help our son, I will definitely do it without hesitation. Pretty sure my husband feels the same way.
apatheticpurple@reddit
That’s so sad that your MIL had the financial ability to help you, but didn’t.
My husband and I will definitely help our son when it’s time.
DazzlingAnything3655@reddit
My husband and I have had the same conversation. We covered college tuition for both our boys and bought them each their first (used) car, paying their auto insurance (and phone) and until they were both in their late 20s. We do not have long-term care insurance and are concerned with the potential costs 20-25 years from now. We significantly contributed to my mother’s monthly room and board expenses when she needed to go into assisted-living then memory care— cost was $5,800/month. Both of my husband’s parents are still alive and live in their own homes, but they may need long-term care and neither have much savings.
If you already have long-term care insurance and can afford to help your kids out with a down payment a house, why not do so? I do not understand your wife’s reluctance unless she has a beef with the daughter-in-law perhaps?
TurtleToast2@reddit
If you're in a position to help your responsible and appreciative kids, then you should. If you have spoiled, entitled brats, some hardship would do them good. It sounds like your son has done well with all the opportunities and support he's been given so i can't see why your wife would draw the line here. How does she feel about your DIL? Could this be about her benefiting from the help?
Born_Economist7411@reddit
If I had the ability, I would have loved to have helped my son and daughter in law but I didn’t. I was incredibly proud that they were able to do it on their own. But yeah…I definitely would have if I could have.
dood1900@reddit
My dad gave us a loan with 1% interest. We only had to pay the interest back until we sold the home. My dad is a smart guy because I got divorced and he got his money back in full before my ex and I split the rest. He will let me borrow it again for my next home.
If you just give them the money for a down payment and they split up, the ex may get half of it.
SackBadger2024@reddit
From a dudes perspective, you may want to ask your wife what it is she would like to do, that giving away the money would prevent. Is it a vacation of a lifetime? Is she planning on surprising you with that 69 Baracuda you always wanted?
I too have stepped on the landmine that is spousal disagreement with generosity. After asking, I found that I had promised her surprise vacation fund to the kids, that shit didn't go over well.
OverlordBluebook@reddit
Not really advice giving but one thing to think about I've witnessed since I own a few rental properties from townhouses to single family as well as moved my mother in a 55+ only community (most of the people are late 60s to 80s and tons of kids get dropped of like a day care in the community. I'm seeing tons of elderly couples that sold out years ago moved to Florida and now coming back to help adult kids with their kids.
One that I thought was interesting was a retired couple that rent out a 4000 sqft single family I have it's somewhat on the outskirts of northern VA closer to WV border area. Their adult kids live like 40 minutes closer into to DC. He eluded that they did that on purpose since they don't want to be too close to help out too much and he knows he would be if they lived close by like they would be a day care.
The elderly retired couple before this tenant had the same but the house was a daycare for their 2 grand kids each day...
Kind of off subject from what your asking but I see this as the next step...
BmanGorilla@reddit
I had no help. Doubt I will help my kids, they can work just like I did, I think they will be okay. If I do help them out it will be situational and certainly they will have had to have to demonstrated a lot of responsibility first.
eastbaypluviophile@reddit
My parents didn’t help me but I got a leg up from another source (got a small amount of cash in a divorce many years ago). It was not millions, but it was enough for me to buy a place of my own in a transitional neighborhood and start building equity. When I met my now-husband I had been able to build a nice amount of equity that we used as a down payment when we got married and bought our first place together.
Beautiful_Bike_1823@reddit
As long as I am able and can afford to do so I will help my adult children with money. I want the best for them and don’t consider it “spoiling them” to take care to help them if they need it. I’d much rather be out the money than not help them just because I think they are spoiled.
gumby_twain@reddit
I have no idea if I will be in position to do so, but if I am, I would absolutely help. The only thing I have left to do on earth is give her the best chance possible.
On the other hand, I recognize i am an outlier because i have no plans for myself. What would i do with my money except give it to my daughter?
optimal-gold976@reddit
Yea, my kids are all under 12, haha. If I can help them I will whenever the time comes.
FinancialCry4651@reddit
I'm younger genX. The only way I was able to buy my first home is cashing out my 401(k). My parents absolutely have the financial means to have helped me and they never have bc my mom is full-on bootstraps mentality. Yes I'm proud that I've done everything myself, but I would be in a much better financial place in my late 40s had they at least helped me pay for college or my house ...
tranquilrage73@reddit
I would have, but my daughter refused my help. She is strong willed and very independent.
Slotter-that-Kid@reddit
My 22 year old just bought her 1st house. I am simply amazed that she managed to do so. All my adult children still live at home saving for when they think can afford to move out, 1 down 2 to go.while I can't give actual funds I can give them a place where they can save to do so. Rent in my area start in the 1600 range for a halfway decent place.
No-Profession422@reddit
Our daughter, yes. Our youngest son, no. He and his wife are doing quite well in VA. Our middle son, he's content with his apartment in San Diego.
SoCalDogBeachGuy@reddit
try living in socal with regular houses going for a million it makes to hard to save for ... make it a business proposition if you ... buy the house and do a rent to own type thing ... it will save him tons of interest ... make it not about helping your son but using your money wisely ... My son is one of the only people i would trust to be partners
krossPlains@reddit
Help them by starting an education fund when they start having kids. Make yearly lump sum contributions. Keep it in your name (custodians).
stolethehighlights@reddit
If I were you, I’d try to get to the bottom of her comment “spoiled him enough”. Maybe there’s something she’s seen or experienced with your son and she’s been holding back. Even if that is not the case, her reaction suggests she feels deeply about this point. It would be good to understand why.
Random0s2oh@reddit
On their own with the help of the Army's BHA program. They just bought a condo in Hawaii.
Buckeye_mike_67@reddit
I’ve helped my son along with a place to stay after he got divorced. Co-signed on a vehicle to help build his credit instead of paying cash. I doubt I’ll be able to help with the down payment on a house but I would if I could afford to
badmommallama@reddit
If they are responsible and you have the means, I say go for it. Teaching responsibility is something altogether different.
Foggyswamp74@reddit
Our help has been to allow our adult kids to live with us rent free-just paying utilities- while they save up for a down payment. Oldest is 26 and is in the process of looking now.
We did it this way because we want them to be able to live within their budgets. They each put enough for a mortgage payment into savings each month.
IM_The_Liquor@reddit
My kids aren’t really old enough to be buying houses. But I must admit, my wife’s dad helped us a little with our first home (though we did save up enough to buy it cash with the few grand he kicked in). I’ve got enough money I can afford to shell out a couple down payments… and these days, it could very well be the difference between home ownership and life long tenant for a younger kid trying to get a family off the ground.
Now wedding and honeymoon can be done pretty cheap (I spent about $8k for my wedding and a couple tanks of gas for the honeymoon).
melodypowers@reddit
I would.
My parents didn't give me money but I had an inheritance from my grandfather that we used on the down payment for our first home.
Bought that home in 1999. Sold it in 2006 after our second child was born for a 50% profit.
Bought our next home in 2006. I sold it after my husband passed away in 2024 for a 80% profit.
Home ownership is the best way to grow wealth for the middle class. And the sooner they are in the market, the better.
Puzzleheaded-Ad7606@reddit
The information needed is not here: What does your situation look like? Let's be real- retirement, medical , and life in general (food, electric, gas, ect) costs are exploding.
If you never received a dime in Social Security would you be able to live a life not just survive? How would reduced medical coverage and more medical needs effect that?
How old are you? Young Gen X vs Older Gen X is a large span.
drtdraws@reddit
Is your wife your son's mom? The only reason I can think of that she would not want to help, is if she is not his mom and wants the money for herself? I wish I could help my kids more financially.
Strong_Ear_7153@reddit
cold answer. i am not gen x, but my MIL paid 200k for her daughter's college tuition, paid for her car, gave her allowance, and paid for the wedding. she decided she was done after they were married and did not help with the house down payment.
she did do childcare for free for about five years before she passed. she kept giving in other ways.
SkibidiBlender@reddit
My kid is 12. I bought a duplex and one side will be her college diggs. We had her late, so we’ll likely refinance that when she’s 21 and use it to pay itself back off and pay the mortgage on her first house. She’ll inherit the whole ball of wax including our house, so she’ll always have a little income. I had to earn every penny I ever made, and the one thing I’ve found is that a little mailbox money gives you a lot of freedom to do what you want with your life instead of what you have to do to survive.
Ms_Anne-Thrope@reddit
Wait, you have adult children who moved out already?
Capybarely@reddit
If you're 50 and had kids at 25, they are somehow now 25. I don't mean this as sarcasm or condescension. It truly does boggle my mind and give a bit of a jump scare that someone born after 9/11 is a grown adult.
Ms_Anne-Thrope@reddit
I was being sarcastic. I’m 60 and my 29 and 25 yr olds have no intention of moving out.
user86753092@reddit
Can you really afford it? Consider what will happen if you both live to be 95 and have serious health conditions that require expensive care.
Maybe it would be better to make a plan to lend them money with a deferred payment that comes due if you need it later in life.
My grandparents were rich and lost all of it to a nursing home after a stroke. My parents lived expecting a decent inheritance and now my mom still works in her 70s. You never know what will happen.
No_Presentation_3212@reddit
Don’t “loan” them the money. You’ll never get it back and will tear your family apart.
Alit_Quar@reddit
Your grandparents should have HD better estate planning. This could have been avoided.
No-Sheepherder448@reddit
I probably will. I’m 53, he’s 7…so I have awhile. Best I can do currently is work my ass off for his 529 I started years ago.
VergeXgen@reddit
Same
Dieselgrrl888@reddit
If someone had been able to help me with a house purchase, I wouldn’t be stuck in an endless loop of throwing my money away on crappy rental situations. I dream of being a home owner, but even though I can afford a mortgage payment, I can’t afford to pay rent AND save for a down payment. Wish I could. This world keeps getting more expensive and I think that if you can help your kids get into the real estate market, then do it!
goteed@reddit
My rebuttal would be that you can help them buy a house and add more generational wealth into your family, or let some investment firm buy the house they would have bought and remove that wealth from your family, or Simone else’s, through rent.
Quite honestly this is a no brainer, help your kids!
unionpark1@reddit
The world we grew up in no longer exists. I’m 47 now and I was able to buy a townhouse at 24 after I got married and I think my mortgage was like $1300 or something. Today the same place is probably closer to a $2800 payment. If you are able to do so, give them that help.
They will forever appreciate it and it will benefit your relationship as well. Never hold it over their head. I’m actually planning on helping all of my children in this manner. They’re gonna need all the help they can get with the world is and the direction it’s going.
keiths31@reddit
Our city is still 'relatively' an affordable place to buy a starter home. We had money set aside for all three of our kids for college. None of them ended up using all the money for school. Each had roughly the same amount left \~$5,000. My wife and I matched them each to allow them to have a down payment of around $10,000 to use for a down payment on a home. But they had to qualify for the mortgage themselves. Which they all did.
So yes we were able to help them out, but we also benefit from where we live being more affordable than other markets in the province. But it is a great sense of relief knowing that they are home secure.
Madeitup75@reddit
This is part of how “old money” families become and stay “old money.” They keep money within the family as much as possible. If you can afford it, do it. Isn’t your plan for them to end up with it anyway after you’re dead? But this way they get to build equity and avoid paying rent (money leaving the family). And pay slightly less interest to a bank (also money leaving the family).
IDMike2008@reddit
You nailed it. This is exactly how the wealthy operate.
exjackly@reddit
And (not that OP is likely in the range where inheritance taxes matter) it keeps their estate smaller for when OP does die.
Even when not at risk of paying inheritance taxes, having distributed assets before death makes it a lot harder for somebody to claim an issue with it and tie things up after OP passes. Inheritance fights are ugly and I've seen first hand how damaging they can be to families through several instances with my in-laws extended families.
No_Presentation_3212@reddit
We haven’t helped our daughter with the down payment of a home because they did it on their own. There are a lot of ways to purchase a home today, some with little to no down payment. We don’t know what expenses we’ll have as we age and we’re on social security. My husband’s not well so more and more medical and Rx expenses. They have good jobs and live in a high cost of living city for the state they live in. It can be done.
Objective-Holiday597@reddit
If you’re financially able to give your kids money, it’s better to do it from a warm hand (now)than a cold one (inheritance).
However, this is something that should be a two yes situation. If your wife is firmly against it and you’d be using shared money then you really should both be in agreement.
Curtain-MikesSong@reddit
The weather should have nothing to do with it in my opinion. Rain, snow or sleet.
Fussy_Fucker@reddit
If I could I would.
Cute_Stock582@reddit
We helped our kids with the down payment. Never looked back. Last year gave both $20k just to see how they would spend it vs when we’re dead. Both kids put it in their savings account for emergencies. Otherwise it’s just money sitting in our accounts.
AudaciousGee@reddit
You could change their life for the better by helping them out - why would that be something you would question wanting to do?
Glittering-Ad-1367@reddit
My great-grandparents helped my grandparents, then to my dad, then to me, so yes I helped mine.
I gave some money. My grandparents and greats actually cut down trees sawmilled the wood, and helped assemble the house. That was a bit much for me..but help on the down payment I could do.
Alit_Quar@reddit
I help my kids every chance I get. It’s not the same world as when we were young. I’d give them the down payment if you can afford it. Not sure what your wife’s problem would be. Is he her step-son? As far as lending them the money—hard no. Give it or not. Borrowing/lending money changes the relationship.
DirgoHoopEarrings@reddit
What does she want ro do with the money instead? I dont see much about her motivations in your post. Good luck!
ElKabong76@reddit
Team wife on this
Ambitious_Dealer_425@reddit
I'm 55, never married no kids. I completely recognize how much harder it is today than it was when we were in our 20s. Sounds like you are great parents and raised excellent kids. As long as they are aware and not entitled, helping them out seems like the right thing to do if it won't be a financial burden for you and your wife. We're only on this Planet once, you might as well enjoy and make it as smooth a ride as possible for everyone in your circle. Spread the wealth if you can. Set up the down payment and then treat your wife to a nice vacation.
activelyresting@reddit
If I were financially able to, I 100% would. My kid is about the same age as yours, but only just recently managed to afford moving out of home. And I'm still struggling to pay my own house off in the first place.
Just because no one ever helped me doesn't mean I shouldn't help my kid.
maybeistheanswer@reddit
My kids had to do it alone with me providing them a place to live and no bills for two years. They worked their butts off and saved money for a nice down payment. They stuck to their plan and its worked out well for them.
Hungry-Treacle8493@reddit
Absolutely will help when the time comes. This is how you build generational wealth. You start seeding funds early in life as opposed to waiting to transfer it at death when they are in their 50’s.
We paid most of their college, but had them take out small loans to build credit. We seeded an investment account and have them work with our financial advisor to learn good fiscal hygiene. When the time comes, we’ll help with a first house/condo.
AngelHeart-@reddit
How would you or your son and daughter in law know they can survive on their own if you keep giving them everything?
I agree with your wife.
ogliog@reddit
>They both work full-time and are responsible adults, they never ask us for money.
They are already surviving on their own, why is that even the question?
AngelHeart-@reddit
You only know what they tell you.
ogliog@reddit
Yeesh. Sounds like you have a lovely relationship with your kids.
AngelHeart-@reddit
You are either very naive or in denial.
Sha-boingBoing203@reddit
So here’s my feeling on this. House prices are not what they were 30 years ago. My parents bought houses in the 80’s as rentals with the purpose of passing them down to my sisters and I. 10 years ago they signed the houses over to us. We lived in an area of the United States where the price of our homes inflated to over 1.5 million dollars in value. A far cry from the $70k my parents spent on them in 1982.
We would never be able to afford anything like that now even with our combined 225k annual salary.
Now what we did for our kids, who are currently 10 and 16 is we sold the house. Profited all that money, moved to another very up and coming area of the country where the housing market is still reasonable, paid cash for our new primary home, and bought several rental properties that when the time comes we can turn over to the kids.
I say all this because it’s a different world our kids live in now. Salary’s are so far off when compared to inflation over the last 20 years, and we are setting our kids and grandchildren up for things to be a little more comfortable for them. That doesn’t mean they can slack in school and not work hard. But if you have the means to help your children, you do it, whether they need it or ask is irrelevant for me.
mspuffins@reddit
agree. sounds like your parents bought in california. mine helped us with a down payment but a house in san diego was 220k in 1995 and it was in a really nice area. our starter house is over 2million now. luckily we bought a 2nd home and kept that. picked up a few rentals in a neighboring state for a ridiculously low amount, and they are now over 1millipn each.
to buy a home similar to our starter home, a family would pay like 13-15k a month not including utilities, and assuming a huge down payment.
so yes, we will be helping in a large capacity. the real estate market was very good to us and we will definitely help our kids stay in the area.
Individual-Army811@reddit
This is how we feel too. We bought our kids first home and they understand this is a hand up, not a hand out. It's on them to build their empire now that they've had a solid start
JojoSaysMeow@reddit
Wait, you guys are buying houses?
Noubliette@reddit
It's hell out there for Gen Z and any other generation that didn't get their shit together before the cost of living ratios shifted so dramatically.
When I was young, my architect father built and sold new builds, but also owned and sold two prime city centre listed buildings. A relative pittance, and in their case, now worth high 6 figure sums each. That was the depressed 1970s-80s. It is now extremely hard to gain progressions in life that, while they weren't easy, were achievable by ever comparable metric. This current dynamics heavily favours the elites, and the wedge of upper and/or aspirant middle class underneath them, and the freer social mobility of the past, is the sacrifice.
For my remaining time, while I was never seeking the high life - so that is no loss, I'm focussed being able to better the lives of my descendents, as I only see it getting worse for them. We can argue whether that is by design.
You can't take it with you. Like my boomer parents, comfortable Gen X needs to read the real terrain on this.
This is all a general generational comment, not personally targeted.
IDMike2008@reddit
I think the division our culture insists we create between generations in the same family are crazy. It's a very modern, western wealth driven idea that adult children should not desire or require help from the previous generation.
It's designed to keep us all providing more workers and buying more things from the wealth class.
We are in a really good positions financially - in large part because the generation before us had worked hard - but also because they were lucky in who they met and what opportunities they had access to as a result. We made some good choices, worked hard, and also had a fairly decent overall economy most of the time so we didn't need help with buying a home when the time came. Our kids also work hard and are very responsible with their money. However, they face a much harder economy with far more limited purchasing power than either of the two generations before them.
As a result, we do help them out when they need it because, honestly, what is money for? Is it not a tool to make our lives and the lives of those we love better and more comfortable? (within reason, obviously)
We help one of our kids with their rent because they would otherwise only be able to afford a scary shit hole to live in. The other is looking at buying a house soon and they suggested we use the family money to buy it for cash and they pay the money back, with interest, into the family's investment accounts. Which I think is brilliant.
We'll probably do the same thing when the other one is ready to buy a house/property (horses, lord help us).
That's how we think of it. It's family money of which we, as the senior generation, serve as stewards. This is the way the wealthy do it and always have. This is why they continue to build wealth and the rest of us, who've been tricked into dividing our funds into ever smaller piles, don't.
Capable_Mermaid@reddit
Lend them the money and make a legal Contract to be paid back. I lent my daughter money to buy a house conditional on it being ready for resale within three months. She not only made that happen, but paid me back in full. She was 8 months pregnant at the time. Motivated people can get it done without creating resentments.
GunnCelt@reddit
Absolutely. It’s a bit of a strange story. We purchased the half acre lot next to ours for expansion reasons. The price was too good to pass up, it was a foreclosure. I made an offer and the bank took it. There is a small house on it that needs a ton of work. My daughter offered to pay for all the materials for the repairs and upgrades. We get to have her close to us and she gets a home.
It all cost less than what we paid for our car.
Gold_Challenge6437@reddit
That's amazing!
GunnCelt@reddit
Thank you. People that aren’t willing to do things like that for their kids baffle me. Our daughter is a good person and works hard a a shit job.
She also understands that the property is shared. It’s not a big deal, though, that purchase doubled our property to over an acre
HistoryPristine1029@reddit
I can't even buy myself a house, so no.
AssistanceChemical63@reddit
I would like my kids to help me buy a home.
zorandra@reddit
I asked my cats to let me know what they can contribute to the down payment of a house and they brought me a spring toy and decapitated toy mouse.
whereisthequicksand@reddit
This is wild. My partner and I bought our first house five years ago, as soon as we could afford it in our HCOL area. And y’all are helping buy houses for your kids. I know I’m “behind” financially but yikes.
mediaogre@reddit
Your wife sounds like a boomer.
It’s different now than when we bought, and it’s a universe of different from when our parents bought. We’re all complicit in royally fist-fucking the job and real estate markets (for many reasons I won’t touch on here). Housing costs on a line graph are steep while salaries are a gentle incline.
If he’s a good kid, help if you can. We’re practically obligated. I said what I said.
21stCenturyJanes@reddit
There was a time I thought adult kids should stand on their own but the world has changed and now I think that if I can help my kids (early 30's), I want to. It's a tough real estate market, job market, economy, etc and if we can help, I'm willing. Not to mention that my in-laws gave us a generous wedding gift that we used for a down payment so I can't pretend we did it all on our own.
But you have to respect your wife's feelings and take a really good look at your own retirement plans. That should be your first priority. You will be doing your kids a big favor to have a good plan for retirement and possibly assisted living one day. Maybe let the kids buy their own home and given them a generous gift (like furniture, or money for a renovation) when they get it. Maybe your wife will be more comfortable with that.
Suspicious-Grand9781@reddit
I helped, my parents helped me. For that, I am grateful.
warningproductunsafe@reddit
If I could I would without a second thought! But my situation might not be anything like yours. My children already own their own homes and we live with them. I can say this; my grandfather bought my first home and I did not appreciate it, looking back I was an idiot. I was forced to sell when I couldnt make the payments. If your son isn't an idiot I say go for it!
ItsmeMr_E@reddit
No kids and never intend to buy a house for myself, content renting.
Realistic_Young9008@reddit
I cant even keep the home I've got
TexasRN1@reddit
I will because no one helped me and it took me forever to get a house.
TrainingLow9079@reddit
Mine are too young but we won't have the money to do that. If a parent does it's a nice way to help kids have a stable life and build credit.
limited_instincts@reddit
I'm not there yet but I absolutely plan to. We'll have a retirement budget and everything additional will go to the kids in one way or the other. I'd much rather give it to them when they actually need it than wait till it's an inheritance by which point they'll be old people themselves!
As for your wife's comment, it's a different world today and it's a bit worrisome she doesn't see that. Ask her what you guys' income was vs the cost of a home and compare that to now. It's not remotely the same.
Badrear@reddit
If I had the money, and my daughter had shown fiscal responsibility, I would happily help her. Unfortunately, my ex wife’s spending habits greatly reduced the amount of money we were able to save and they brushed off on my daughter. She hasn’t gone a month without “needing” money in her adult life. I’m focusing on saving up for my own house now that I have complete control over my finances.
NoCup6161@reddit
We just closed escrow on a home for our daughter last week. Home prices are challenging here in Southern California.
No-Reading-4384@reddit
And as a boomer and the heat can come my way, I don’t give a fuck but I work my way through college I work my way to medical school. I borrowed very very little and that I paid off Hinson Hazelwood 500 a month it took me 15 years and I paid it off. I had to do this because there was no backup.
Curious_Instance_971@reddit
My husband and I had a little help from our parents, and the prices right now are so incredibly high — it’s going to be hard for this generation to be able to buy anything. Also: the way I see it, I could give it to them now or wait until I’m dead, but it would help them more now.
geekymom@reddit
This. I wish my parents had done more when I was younger. I will get something when they both pass but I don't need it as much now. If they'd helped me with my first house, I think my life would be pretty different now.
Adventurous-Term5062@reddit
I think it is if you can afford it or not and how is your son? Does he make good grades? Good job? Responsible? If he generally a good son and you can afford it - I would reward the good behavior.
I plan on doing this for my kids. If we can help, we will. They are great kids.
Ops8675309@reddit
My papa helped me. (Born in 80)
-Gave me about 50% equity in an existing home.
-I sold that for a 15k loss (papa was not pleased)
-Purchased a 10 acre parcel all undeveloped.
-fast forward 10years I had built a home, shop, and an RV pad.
-sold 3X my principal, paid off my debt and now I’m left with a 100% ownership in a nice neighborhood in Henderson, NV.
-papa is pleased. Thank you papa! About 600k value.
FlatMolasses4755@reddit
We absolutely did. The world is dramatically different today.
Odd_Tie772@reddit
Millionaire Parent Here, I know you want to GIVE him the money 💰, However it's actually better for your son if he does it on his own.
jamiestar9@reddit
Yep. OP wife is right. Parents are doing this for “the feels” and are inadvertently snuffing out the flame of son’s motivation.
No-Reading-4384@reddit
NO you paid for everything else….let them figure it out. What is crazy to me is having people get in homes they can’t afford. Start small…pay it off …move up. Mortgage helps no one except the bank.
Manderthal13@reddit
The concept of the starter home is something people never talk about anymore.
No-Reading-4384@reddit
It wasn’t my starter home. It was more of a rental property, but I bought a little place and named it the Mousehouse 15 years ago and all my kids say they live there in a heartbeat and it was 117,000 bucks now it’s worth more, but it was still a starter home and I told the kids that’s what you need something small pay it off and move up and then you can rent the starter home or Airbnb or whatever but you’ve got an anchor in the housing world
MusicUpbeat2510@reddit
Yep. My sister has helped her kid (47) and her family financially for years. Her adult kid has zero concept of money.
floppy_breasteses@reddit
Help if you can afford to but there's no shame if you can't afford it. I know I can't. But we're planning ahead. If the kids are 18+ and not in school, they will be working and paying a small amount of rent, which we will put in a high interest account and give them that money towards a down payment. Sounds like it's a bit late for you there, though. We're also encouraging them to live with us for as long as possible, given the cost of a home these days.
foilrat@reddit
You paid for:
College
Car
Wedding
Honeymoon
Are ya'll adopting? Damn?
My parents paid for 1/3 of my college. They gave I think 2k for my wedding.
That's it.
I mean, if you have the money to do that, go for it, but damn.
ResponsibleFerret660@reddit
Envy you folks who had their parents pay for college!
Wintaru@reddit
If I had the ability to I would but they’re gonna be on their own unfortunately. My hope is to keep our house and get it paid off and when I’m dead and gone they can sell it and have some kind of inheritance
ONROSREPUS@reddit
I have no issues with helping but I do have a couple of questions before said help would be given.
1.What kind of credit score, if any, does you son have? Has he ever had to take a lone out in his name yet?
Would helping him buy a house affect your wife or your retirement window?
Would helping them buy a house (maybe out of there normal means) be hurtful for them in the future. aka taxes and maintance cost?
It sounds like you already provided him a lot. Do you think he would be able to support himself and family once you and your wife are gone?
I feel like you and your wife already set him up for a strong future with all the things you have already paid for. Maybe you should ask him if they want help. Maybe they are beyond wanting your support? IMO that would be a great sign that you have got them off on the right foot or not.
Relevant-Job4901@reddit
We plan on given our two kids our home.
kitashla42@reddit
My ex and I did not have any help with "adulting". We couldn't afford college, got married and had kids young, etc. Spent nearly all of our 15 year marriage well below the poverty line. We grew up poor and were poor for all of our 20s and most of our 30s.
We are in our very late 40s now. We are both much more financially secure. We each own our own homes purchased within the last few years. We have okay 401Ks.
All but one of our kids are adults in their early to late 20s.
And you know what? I LOVE being able to help my kids financially. My kids work hard in terrible jobs that barely pay enough to live. I don't care who you are, your 20s are hard enough. And in this economy, its soo much worse. Let me help my kids! I am beyond lucky to be at a financial place in my life to help them.
I am not financially well off enough to help them with a down payment on a home right now. Most of my contributions are helping pay for car insurance, a bill once in awhile, a tank of gas, or letting me raid my pantry to supplement their groceries. But still...how lucky am I to be able to do that for them.
Now, I think it would be different if my kids weren't working or trying to support themselves in some way. But they are. They all inherited my and my ex's work ethic.
And it would be different if they weren't appreciative or expected the help. They don't.
And if it was hurting me financially...I'd have to step it back. They know that though. I got laid off last year and had to take a paycut and they understood completely.
My job as a parent is to try and set my kids up for success. I feel like if I could do it, helping them buy a home definitely does that. Heck, help them get a nice one so you can avoid a nursing home until the very end...lol.
More-Soil7455@reddit
I agree with everything you said. I didn’t get help, but I’m going to help my kids as much as we possibly can. My kids are responsible and good people. They work . Why wouldn’t I help them?
kitashla42@reddit
I just never understand the mentality that says "I suffered so you should suffer too." Do these people not like their kids?
I mean, I would understand if my kids weren't helping themselves, if they were mooching, or were ungrateful. Part of being a parent is giving them the skills to become successful and seek their own happiness.
But if they've got those skills and are just trying to survive our current hellscape...let me help them!
NightMgr@reddit
My parents helped me in 99.
I’d help my kid if I had one.
I’m getting the age where planning what happens to my stuff is needed. I always figured I’d give it to strippers but that is t appealing now either.
RetroBerner@reddit
If I had it, I would it give it, in the end he's gonna inherit it anyway. What is the point of making him struggle when he doesn't have to?
Ray_The_Engineer@reddit
To learn resilience and confidence.
cgund@reddit
You can be resilient and confident and very hard-working and conscientious but still need financial help.
Ray_The_Engineer@reddit
I guess I would have phrased it as "you can be resilient and confident and very hard working but still have to learn how to solve financial problems."
RetroBerner@reddit
He's 25 and married, not 15.
Ray_The_Engineer@reddit
Doesn't change my answer. We don't stop learning and developing at 15, last I checked.
We're not going to agree, and that's fine. I believe that humans thrive and are the happiest when they see that they can do for themselves, that they are useful, etc. You believe something different. All good.
OkConcentrate8454@reddit
Being broke while working really hard didn’t teach me resilience or confidence; it just kind of broke me. Even now that we’re doing ok, a financial gift from a parent would still greatly improve our mental, emotional, and physical health. It doesn’t have to be a struggle to be appreciated.
Ray_The_Engineer@reddit
Ok, I was talking about handouts to buy someone a house, not to alleviate being broke. Big difference.
Academic_Airport_889@reddit
Generational wealth gets people further than resilience and confidence.
Ray_The_Engineer@reddit
100% disagree, based on life experience.
Inner-Confidence99@reddit
Our youngest lives in the home she grew up in. We now live 10 Miles away. House was paid off when she was a toddler.
Her older siblings got 5,000 a piece to help. We worked then, my husband retired 10 years ago so funds have to be managed carefully to do things.
We don’t charge her rent only stipulations can’t be sold has to pass down to next generation. Way his Great-Great Grandfather set it up so his heirs would always have a place to go and stay if needed.
ZetaWMo4@reddit
No. My oldest and her fiancé just bought a house in March and our only contribution was a Blackstone grill as a housewarming gift. I’m pretty confident in my other 3 having the finances to afford their own homes. A big reason we aren’t contributing to buying them houses is because we saved up money for them for college but they all got full rides so we’ve been piecing the money out to them over the years. So in theory they should have money saved up for a house assuming they didn’t blow the money.
Cats-cats-kats@reddit
Full rides! Congrats! Did they all go to the same school?
BasketBackground5569@reddit
If they can't afford it entirely on their own, they will be asking for more money until you die.
VegasLife84@reddit
You missed the part where they've never asked OP for anything
graygarden77@reddit
Oh my God, thank you for saying this. My niece just asked for help with down payment on a property.(she and her husband already have a home but they want to build out a second property.) My first instinct was to help them out because I love her. But then I thought you know what she make more money than I do and it’s not my fault she married a bum. They already have a home. It’s not like they want for anything so why would I as a person about to start retirement bend over backwards for somebody else to have an extra property??? Like you said, I just thought it would open a can of worms where I become the Bank of Auntie
mrr68@reddit
We gave our son and to-be wife $100k when they married to be used towards buying a home. They bought a van and built it out for travel and “van life”. We paid for college, but son dropped out after year one. Was not thrilled with the $100k amount, too much IMO. Even less thrilled they bought a $40k van. I’d consider helping them with a down payment, but I’d withhold the money until they are read to buy, then give them the money.
ChaosRainbow23@reddit
This right here.
I'm a 47 year old father of two.
I totally squandered my parents money as a young man. They tried their very best to help me, but I was more interested in partying and chasing women.
At least Mom forgave me for all my bullshit before she died.
ecz4@reddit
If you can help and he's hardworking, understands the value of what's bein given to him, then sure!
There's no comparison to the time when you guys bought your home, economy is just fucked up, house prices make no sense.
Infuryous@reddit
So the biggest issue I see is you made a major financial promise/decision to.your Son BEFORE discussing it with your wife.
Regardless of if is a good idea or not, you likely alienated her and made her upset by making a major decision without including her.
Marriage requires cooperation, togetherness and commincatuin. You ignored all three from.the get-go.
Xx_SwordWords_xX@reddit
Where do you see a "decision" that was made?
Infuryous@reddit
I took it as he offered his son to help "as they were leaving" without talking with his wife first. It was pointed by out i might be mis-reading the statement and that he asked is wife after his son left.
Xx_SwordWords_xX@reddit
If you took it that way then you didn't read it correctly, yeah.
Sounders1@reddit (OP)
No. Read what I wrote. I never mentioned the idea to my son or his wife, and still have not. "When they left I suggested we help them". I waited till they left to discuss the issue with my wife FIRST.
rootetoot@reddit
Doesn't sound like he told the son, he said he mentioned it after he left, I assume to his wife only.
Infuryous@reddit
That's a good point... I read it as "when they left" as "as they were walking out the door".
low_flying_aircraft@reddit
I cannot imagine having the stance your wife has. Why would you not help your kids??
My parents helped me. I literally could not have got on the property ladder without their help. I help my kids in whatever ways I can. They're not quite at the stage of buying a place yet, but when they are, I'll do everything I can.
The world is different nowadays. Your wife's stance that she bought things on her own does not work today. Your son will almost certainly not be able to buy without your help. Do you really want your child to be renting the rest of his life until you die?
temp4adhd@reddit
Here's what we did: my ex and I are divorced. My parents had set up investment accounts for each of their grandkids when they were born. My parents would put in $2K on each birthday and Xmas, so $4K per year, which compounded nicely. They continued these gifts until they died recently.
By the time college rolled around, we told them that their dad and I would each cover 1/4 of the tuition, and they could take out $ from the grandparent account for another 1/4. Then they were on the hook for the last 1/4, which they covered by working summer jobs and some merit scholarship money. So no loans necessary -- but they had some skin in the game, which we felt was important.
We told them that they had a choice to go to an expensive college OR go to a less expensive one in which case they'd likely still have $ left in the grandparent account, which could go towards graduate school, a wedding, a downpayment on a house.
Both kids were smart with the grandparent money and both got graduate degrees. When the weddings came around, we kicked in some $ -- for example I covered their wedding gowns and the bar tab (about $10K), their dad gave each $10K. They came up with the rest and both had modest weddings by today's standards. My parents also gifted them a larger lump sum into their investment accounts (I think it was $30K?)
Which meant they still had some $ left in the grandparent account (which kept growing) and they both used that for down payments on a home.
Meanwhile we are now retired (early, at 57 and 60). We were careful the first few years of retirement as we figured it all out, but now that we're cooking along, we feel comfortable gifting to them as long as the market is up. So we've helped by gifting to them here and there, always ear-marked for specific things (i.e., home improvements).
They would rather see us use our money to travel and enjoy yourselves. But when RMDs start hitting + social security + we're on medicare + our mortgage is paid off, barring a total market meltdown, I am pretty certain we will have the means to gift more regularly, not just to our kids but any grandchildren. And I'd rather gift now than have them wait for an inheritance, as I know it can make a substantial difference for them now more than later.
hair_10@reddit
"We did it on our own so they should too" is, IMO, not a valid argument. Wages, prices, and overall buying power is not what it once was.
Emotional_Ad5714@reddit
If you can give the money without seriously hurting your retirement, you give them the money. Why not? He's your boy and if you choose to not help him, then what is the point of it all?
MusicUpbeat2510@reddit
Don't forget to save for long term care. You don't want to burden your kids.
Xx_SwordWords_xX@reddit
The point is supposed to be generational legacy.
Westernized culture-of-narcissim has ruined this, since boomers.
SmokedLimburger@reddit
This is my thought. If I’m not going to help my kids, what’s the point of my having kids in the first place? Sure I want them to be responsible and independent but if I can help without having any meaningful impact on my own financial situation, why wouldn’t I? I just value “giving” more than I value “hoarding” I guess.
Any_Version6722@reddit
I’m with your wife
Trnava99@reddit
I helped my kids with college and their international internships and provided vehicles they used during senior year of high school, which they then bought from me at a fair (i.e., highly discounted haha) price. I have not helped them buy homes but one has managed to do so and the others are close.
I am currently putting money into my grandkids’ educational accounts. My feeling is that my job as a parent/grandparent is to provide the means for them to learn and develop the skills they need to go into the world and succeed, but then I have to let them do it. That does not mean I don’t wish I could help them still, because they are all good human beings and I love them and I do want to help.
Plus, while I am comfortable but not wealthy, I need to make sure I have enough for retirement as I don’t want my kids to be responsible for me.
Ceciltheseamonster@reddit
If I could afford it I would. Oldest just finished undergrad and is taking a year to save for grad school living with me. I am rebuilding finances after over 20 years of marriage to someone I have realized destroyed our finances. Just a year after leaving I was out of debt and bought a house. Now I am trying to build retirement savings while getting two kids launched into adulthood. I am disappointed I can’t give my kids the start I thought I would.
kittin@reddit
We gave our kid and his lady money for a down payment. We have it to give and wanted to help them out. Why not help family get ahead?
Emunahd@reddit
This.
Capable-Royal-1312@reddit
Our children are older also and starting life on their own. I think it's a fine line between help and inhibit. Too much help inhibits their ability to grow, suffer a little, and push themselves. Ultimately that builds character and confidence. I agree with your wife but I also agree with you. Anytime my child needs something I have to ask myself where is the line. It is a difficult thing to work through. I came from a poor but good family and so did my wife. We literally rolled change to pay rent some months in the early days and those days are some of the best memories I have. They made us into who we are now. Now we both have good jobs and could easily write a check to solve a problem...but should we?
DeFiClark@reddit
My son has been with us rent free since the pandemic.
My daughter will get help from us when it’s time for her to buy something — structured as an investment if she sells in our lifetime, otherwise as a part of her inheritance
The median age of first time home buyers is 40; the game has changed in so much of the US it’s not in any way comparable to when we bought our first home. Where I live now you’d need a 200k+ salary to buy an entry level home. Median income meanwhile is 140k. The old 4x gross income rule is completely shot to hell.
If you can help in a way that doesn’t dramatically impact your retirement plans, do what you can.
Harryhood15@reddit
I would definitely help my kids anyway I can. The issue is I have three. And if I can’t all the money that I really shouldn’t give it to just one.
Available_Music9369@reddit
We went of the mortgage as guarantors so each of our kids would qualify. Happy to say they saved up the down payment and so far have made all mortgage payments without our help at all.
Jennyreviews1@reddit
51F, Actually, yes. And here’s why; the market is astronomical expensive and unless you have a child that is making well into the six figures category, they’re not going to be able to afford to buy a home. Period. That being said, I have a home on 11 acres this is the home that I raised my three kids in. It is left in trust to my children upon my death. I have two children who have decided to live in different states and have bought their homes. I have one who while he and his wife make a substantial amount of money., it’s still not enough to be able to afford a home in this market. I mean we are looking at million dollar homes just for a three bedroom. I’ve decided to move out into a condo or smaller home that’s easier for me to maintain and have my son and his wife move into the house. Eventually, he and his siblings will own it outright. All I asked of them is to provide a monthly rent that will go into a house fund and help maintain the property/taxes. The other two kids are perfectly fine with this arrangement and as long as my son and his wife host holidays from time to time, I think it’s a win-win situation. I believe that it does not hurt to help your children in situations as these as long as your children are humble and grateful and maintain that stance. If for instance, they decided that they didn’t want to move into the estate house then I would consider giving them money for a down payment for a home. In all honesty, though, I would gift my son half of the money and the other half I would have him and his wife pay a set amount that they could afford without feeling bankrupt. My kids have never asked me for a dime. And it sounds like your son and his wife are also responsible adults. It doesn’t hurt to help. He sounds like a really good kid. You guys did a great job and teaching financial responsibility. I see no problem in helping with a down payment. I would gift him half only because that will lessen his debt to income ratio in anything future that they may have to borrow money for and that way you can compromise with your wifey. Whatever you and your wife decide to do I wish you both the best:)
Vast-Swimmer5844@reddit
I’m excited to give my kid a leg up as she starts her adult life. She’ll get out of grad school debt free and she knows she can live in our spare property in the city for free if she chooses to live in our area. A young adult with no debt and low rental costs (because we’d expect her to carry renters’ insurance) is in a good position to take jobs that build their career over decades, instead of having salary be the overwhelming priority.
There’s no point in making successive generations struggle just because you did. I benefitted from family support, and I am certainly going to pass it on.
AnUnexpectedUnicorn@reddit
My parents helped us, we're helping our kids (my parents are helping them too). It sure helps to get a good start in life, and we can afford to help some.
StOnEy333@reddit
I don’t own a home and the kids are 12 and 8. I’ll let you know in 10-15 years.
GreatGraySkwid@reddit
Man, my kid is 10. Ask me in 15 years.
(not a lot of places make me feel young, but this sub does on the regular)
LayerNo3634@reddit
I have 3 kids. I paid for their college. All 3 have bought homes. We didn't help financially. We retired early. While that's great, we don't exactly have the means to help all 3. If you have the means and only 1 child, that would be a welcome gift, but also not necessary. It's something you and your wife need to agree to first.
StandingBear44@reddit
We plan to give them the 20% down so they avoid PMI. I’d rather help now than when I’m dead & gone.
Magnificent_Pine@reddit
Only because my kid and her spouse are financially responsible, I let them use my income to buy their house. It was a good decision for us and I don't regret it.
New_Cover_1954@reddit
If you have the money to spare, then why not help?
Foamfollower_65@reddit
Teaching the kid financial responsibility. He doesn't seem to have paid anything for his big ticket items and doesn't know finances.
phinz@reddit
Why work your ass off to make money to not spend it the way you want to? If that means helping your kid buy a house, even if it's a low-interest loan, then do it, especially in today's crap interest rate world.
My FIL and MIL bought our first little 1300 sq. ft. house for us but it was in the form of a loan that we paid back to them, with interest, over time. That gave us a stepping stone to our future homes. Money issues are one of the biggest contributors to stress on a marriage, and a house is a huge money commitment. Why allow it to be a stressor when you have the means to ease that pain?
Bird_Watcher1234@reddit
We did not help our son. He joined the military at 19 and he’s 31 now and just closed on his 2nd house. He was in one state for 9 years and bought a house there, now he’s temporarily assigned to another state for 3 years and bought a duplex to rent the half out he’s not living in until he moves back home and can rent out the other half. His wife and son live in the first house he bought.
We have offered cash during government shutdowns in case he ran short, but he’s never had to take us up on the offer. He also knows he is welcome to come back home to lick his wounds if he ever needs to. He has uncles, my brothers, that would help him in a heartbeat too.
My parents raised us to know we always have a safety net if we fall, but we were encouraged to do our best on our own first. I’m the only one who ever had to move back home, but it was just for a few months. All of my brothers and I are homeowners, without any assistance from parents.
Everyday_everyway@reddit
Yes you should help your son!!! Not helping because we didn’t get help is some kind of sick logic.
Xx_SwordWords_xX@reddit
It's my boomer mom's logic.
64green@reddit
Life is hard and I love my kids. Of course I’ll help them any way I can. They don’t ask me for money but I give it to them when I can. Things are a lot different than they were when I was their age and life isn’t a suffering competition.
light-bulb-22@reddit
Housing prices are insane. Generational wealth is huge leverage. It’s not about helping them now. It’s a long term trajectory of using your wealth. Treat it as a family investment. When they sell you get a percentage.
Foamfollower_65@reddit
The parents will get nothing back. When the house is sold the profit will go towards a new house. Either that or the parents will be deceased by the time it's sold.
Either way, the parents aren't seeing a penny.
MusicUpbeat2510@reddit
Lol, nope. My kids make 3x more than hubby. I'm still trying to save up for retirement post divorce, 14 years ago.
MedPhys90@reddit
I’m all for helping our kids out. But I would draw the line at helping them with purchasing a home. Granted the housing market is horrendous right now and the younger generations are probably hosed. But still, I don’t know if it’s a good idea
Bixiebee23@reddit
I gave my daughter the big house and bought my son one nearby. I live on the same property as my daughter after we built a smaller house for me. Helping your kids out is not spoiling them.
If you are able to help you should. I believe a life lesson in selflessness and generosity is far more valuable than a life lesson in personal finance.
Life is so hard and we have no idea what the future will bring. Do the radical thing and just give them the money.
Charitymw1@reddit
If it would not impact your retirement too much, I'd be of the mind to be generous.
If it sets you back a lot, then maybe a smaller amount.
sunshore13@reddit
We did help. I live in Northern NJ. Tear downs in my neighborhood are going for at least 700,000. My daughter moved out to the Pittsburgh area. She paid less than what we paid for a fixer upper over 30 years ago. What we gave her would be nothing in NJ.
cepcpa@reddit
If I could afford it and I thought my child was a stable relationship and in a position to be a home owner, I would definitely to want to help them. The idea that our children have all the same opportunities to purchase their first home as we did is ridiculous.
Dead_Inside50@reddit
If I have the means, I'm going to help.
BasketBackground5569@reddit
Nope. My kid grew up knowing and seeing for himself that buying is a waste of money. Homeowners try to convince themselves it's an investment, yet don't resort to liquidating it when times are hard and instead start a go fund me.
Head_Trick_9932@reddit
That’s not how equity works lol
Silver-Conclusion-98@reddit
It was much easier in the 1990s. Parents who can help out should do so.
Foamfollower_65@reddit
Fortunately, both of our kids are successful and were able to purchase new homes with their spouses, on their own.
I can't believe that you paid for all of that and they still couldn't save enough money to buy a house.
I'd get them financial counseling before I gave them money.
DragonflyFluid8581@reddit
My experience - husband and I were similar to what it sounds like your son and his wife are, we would have saved eventually for what we needed and it would have been just fine. My parents decided to do an early inheritance type of thing and gave us a significant portion for down payment. They said they wanted to enjoy a partial inheritance with us instead of us only getting it when they were gone since they were able. It was huge for us and we are forever grateful - it's been many years now. They've done similar for my siblings over the years also. But, none of us expected it, which I believe is part of what made it so fun for them (and now as a parent, I get that!). I hope I'm able to do the same for my kids in some financially helpful capacity.
Merrick_McIntosh@reddit
Oh, to be that financially stable. Truly. I wish I could say yes, but I don’t even own a home myself. My fiancé has the mortgage for the house we live in, courtesy of a very generous down payment from his Boomer parents. Their logic was, “He’s our only child.” Meanwhile, I’m also an only child, but my parents apparently missed that memo because a down payment is… not happening.
Honestly, I would love to be the kind of parent who can hand my kids a down payment someday. Or even just help them buy a couch that isn’t held together by hope and an Allen wrench. But you don’t exactly build generational wealth with five kids, a social work career, and a lifetime of nonprofit salaries. Shocking, I know.
So to those of you who can help your adult kiddos buy their first home, cherish that. It’s huge. It’s life-changing. And you are genuinely blessed to be able to give them that kind of start.
pjtexas1@reddit
Touchy subject for sure. It seems like you have done plenty. Really more than most including me.
Comfortable-Prune400@reddit
I plan on helping kids get ahead in whatever way I can as long as they are responsible adults actively working to get ahead personally and professionally but they should definitely not expect a hand out from their parents and for me to bail them out if they screw up. As a parent I want to see my kids succeed but I also want them to be self sufficient. Its a fine line to walk as a parent.
Revolutionary-Fan235@reddit
If my projected net worth at death is going to be high, I will gift money the money sooner rather than later. It will make a bigger impact the younger that they get it.
I also believe in doing better than my parents did.
tez_zer55@reddit
We didn't, between us we have 6 kids. We've helped with college, cars & a few other things, but not with housing. For us, that'd be too deep into our retirement accounts.
Ruenin@reddit
I'm happy to help my kids look for a home, if they need advice, and probably a couple of thousand down payment if they're also really trying to save. But I'm supposed to try and retire in 10-15 years, which is hard enough to finance without giving them a lot of what I have. I just can't afford it
Exciting_Pass_6344@reddit
Why would you wait to help your kids now if you can? You can’t take it with you, and when you pass, your kids will be past the need for help. They don’t need your money when they are in their 50s and 60s. They need the financial assistance now so they can build their own wealth, to be able to help their kids when the time comes. I don’t want to sound rude, but your wife seems to have an outdated (boomer) mindset when it comes to money. If you loan the money, your wife will invariably be upset when your son doesn’t pay you back, so keep that in mind too.
Rare-Confusion-220@reddit
Not yet but we will
Fragrant_Trade_9635@reddit
I had to do it all on my own. My parents were of the mind they'd never help me pay for anything and that I could work for it. I started out life in massive debt with student loans, credit cards, car payments. I had to work for all of it on my own. I wanted my kids to have a better life but that was shit away during divorce with the loss of over 125K fighting in divorce and then I've lost another 80K for child support that she squanders. The kids bank accounts were drained, she took it all in the beginning. Since the divorce I've not had enough money to put into their savings. I was finally able to buy a house and am hoping that someday they'll be able to sell it after I pass and use the money to buy their own homes. Assuming they haven't gotten good jobs, making good money on their own. I always wanted to help them with cars, homes, college but that was all taken from me and them. If you have the means to do it, you should. There's nothing wrong with parents helping their children so they don't have to struggle like I/we did.
CtrlAltDeli@reddit
Why would you NOT help your kids?!
BasketBackground5569@reddit
It's called earning something.
rootetoot@reddit
What about an interest-free loan as a compromise?
CentientXX111@reddit
Sounds like you and your wife need to discuss and get to the heart of it. I'm curious why out of all the help you've given him, which is substantial and more than most get, this is the breaking point for her.
soggytoothpic@reddit
This is it. There is no right answer to the question, but both of them have to be on the same page.
CentientXX111@reddit
Yes. It's interesting that the OP seems caught off guard by the wife's response. Something is simmering in the background, and I'd guess it has been for a while. Definitely a moment for a 'real chat'.
theDailyDillyDally@reddit
If you can afford it, I would gift them money towards the down payment. A house is an appreciating asset (as opposed to the wedding and honeymoon.) It's an investment in your future grandchildren as well - safe neighborhood, good schools, etc.
Adventurous-Ant9038@reddit
I had assistance with the down payment. Not a parent (already passed) but someone else offered. I purchased during Covid and without the assistance I wouldn’t have been able to do it and afford my mortgage. For reference, I was born in 1974. The housing market is so much more expensive now, and there is so much competition both for housing and decent financing. I didn’t buy previously because I never wanted to own, I was fine renting. Covid changed a lot of things…
MassholeForLife@reddit
We told our kids you can live with us for a nominal rent to save up for a house. Two of three are taking us up on it. Without some form of help I really don’t know how the next gen is going to do it.
Xx_SwordWords_xX@reddit
Times have changed -- the more they try to save, the further out of reach the pricing and cost of living, is getting.
Don't be Boomers and pretend all opportunities are equal, accords bother generations.
groverlaw@reddit
My parents co-signed on my first mortgage - I had enough for the down payment but was still in law school and couldn’t yet demonstrate the income - refinanced as soon as I could. My parents carry my sister’s mortgage, and I’m not sure what they did for my brother. There are significant ways you can help without giving them the money. If you do lend the money, I’d recommend writing it up as you would any other loan - have them sign a note and mortgage, make sure you record the mortgage, make sure they list you on the insurance until it’s paid, etc.
JenninMiami@reddit
You’ve done quite a lot for them, and that’s awesome! If you’re flush with cash and your retirement is fully funded, sure, it would be amazing to also buy them a house or help. But he’s 25…still plenty of time for them to save up and buy. I didn’t buy until I was 30. Most people aren’t buying homes in their 20’s, so it’s not like he’s so behind all of his peers.
If I had tons of money to throw around, I would have bought my daughter a house or helped her. That wasn’t an option, and she was in a situation where I had to actually sell my house last year and buy one in her city so that she and my grandchild could live with me for support.
spicy_chick@reddit
If I can, I would love to help them. My kids are still in high school and just starting college so it's a few years off. My parents didn't help me. Not a problem as my mom wasn't in a position to. What's galling is that she got annoyed that neither me or my sister helped her get a house later. Said she saw these other older folks with their kids buying them a retirement house. Neither one of us could help out and she had the money. Of course we were able to talk about all the people we knew who got married and their parents bought them their first homes.
Infamous_Bed7693@reddit
My parents had 8 kids. So no. No help there. However we never had a down payment because we were military. Used the VA and honestly prob never would have bought houses without it. I’ve already told my child we would be helping them when the time came. Warm hands inheritance, as it were. They are stingy AF, in their early 20s and use points and coupons for everything. lol. I can’t imagine having 20% to put down at their age. Thankfully between us and the in laws, they have a safety net to get a leg up and started off. Honestly i kind of like the option bc my kid has always been a bit ‘eat the rich’ and ‘generational wealth nepo babies!’ in thought. It’s funny to me bc as they mature they see that it’s actually a system that works… 🤪
whywhywhy4321@reddit
Not sure how many kids you have, we have an only. She decided she wanted to work starting at 16. Most of her friends did and she only worked 1-2 shifts a week, but more over the summer. We gave her my old car once she got her license (technically sharing, but I worked remotely so she drove it the most) and we funded a Roth IRA for however much she worked through high school. We paid for college at a state school and bought a car for her for graduation as the other wasn't reliable and we had moved out of state. We continue to fund half her IRA (she also contributes to her 401k) and pay her insurance and cell phone as she works in public service. We'll also loan her funds to pay for her masters that she is starting this fall as the bank of mom and dad will be a much better interest rate. Will we help with a house? Probably, but we've had the conversation that both a down payment for a house and an extravagant wedding won't happen. We didn't get much help, but did get a bit from his parents and a small inheritance on my side that paid off my student loans. I'd much rather she get a better start than we did, she's also never asked and has expressed how thankful she was to start off with no student loans and a new car as she saw how friends struggled.
cgund@reddit
The world we live in now is so different from what it was like when we were getting established as adults. What's required now is orders of magnitude more wealth than in the past to achieve the same stability and comfort. I'm helping mine as much as I can.
EC_Stanton_1848@reddit
Happy wife, happy life.
Your kids is probably going to inherit your money eventually so he is basically taken care of one way or another.
He didn't ask for help, so I would support your wife and if he runs into a jam later, you can revisit by discussing again with your wife.
Lightningstruckagain@reddit
Im with you. If you can help a bit, sure. Yes, no one helped me with funding my first house in 1997. BUT- that 1700 sw foot house cost $98k then and is over $250k now. It’s just a very different market now
Turbulent_Tale6497@reddit
Times are a little different than when we bought a home. We were able to put 3% down and get a very oddly constructed loan in order to afford it. Doing that now is a pretty bad idea, and saving up 10-20% can take a pretty long time.
If any of my kids were being diligent to get there, I'd be happy to help them along
DancesWithPigs@reddit
My parents helped us buy a condo, when we were able to we refinanced it and paid them back for the downpayment. My wife and I fully intend to do the same for both our kids. It was discussed up front and there was a plan so no hurt feelings.
lamomla@reddit
My father gave us about 10% of our down payment and my in-laws loaned us another 5%. It made the difference that allowed us to buy in a very hot market. We had no issue with feeling confident in making the mortgage payments but the down payment was just a little out of reach. 20 years later it’s our most valuable asset and has been an important source of stability. I’m very grateful to them both - I’m in a challenging time and owning my home has been very important to my well-being.
I do understand your wife’s feelings, but if it’s in your reach, another alternative would be to offer an interest free loan for some portion of the down payment. That could help them bridge the gap and worked out well in my situation.
tc_cad@reddit
My kids aren’t at the age to move out yet. But my Dad helped me get my house. $5000. Very generous.
AZTerp1080@reddit
We bought our first home on our own. It was a typical starter home that we fixed and sold to buy the next house that we fixed and sold, etc… we learned a good lesson about hard work, delayed gratification, and working towards a goal. That said, we plan to help our kids buy their first homes.
amaria_athena@reddit
My mom helped me with my first down payment and I tend to do the same for my sons when the time comes. If I can!
throwaway762022@reddit
We did help with down payments, not the full 20%, but a large chunk. We helped with college, but most of them had almost full rides to college. We only gave them $10Kish each for weddings (largely because we think weddings are a waste of money). We bought them all at least one car. We feel very fortunate to be able to help more than our parents did.
Academic_Airport_889@reddit
I plan to help if I can. My husband and I for no help with buying a house and I can’t say it made us better people than our neighbors who got help, we’re just older and more tired 😂.
Pretend-Excuse-8368@reddit
Dude you already put him on 2nd base heading towards 3rd. I’m with the wife on this.
trUth_b0mbs@reddit
We will be. We're planning to move abroad so we'll be selling our home and giving half to our daughter.
kamdon68@reddit
Where are you going? We want to do this. I sold my house last year and we are currently renting. My wife wants to buy a house but with all this crap happening now I really don't want to. We are thinking of just buying a reasonable house as home base and living abroad half the year.
trUth_b0mbs@reddit
somewhere in Europe. Got EU citizenship and going to a few places this summer to look at possible cities.
TypicalOrca@reddit
I keep thinking more and more about that. This place is crazy!
Bright_Pomelo_8561@reddit
I help my children as much as I can afford to. I had a grandparent that helped me. You cannot compare the two economies. They’re just not the same, but even if the economies were the same, I would still help my child. What’s the point of having a child if you can’t help them.
Supacalafragalistic@reddit
If you’ve got it and they are not disrespectful assholes, you help them. I’ve always believed that
gollo9652@reddit
If I could help them buy a home I would. Financially it’s impossible for me. I have offered to help them by letting them move in with me rent free while they get a down payment together.
Little-Armadillo732@reddit
I’m not at a stage of my life yet where I could help, but if I could/can I absolutely would/will. I know what home ownership is like in our city, and it is extremely expensive. Especially as property taxes and insurance go up every year. So, yes, if I could help give my kiddo a start I absolutely would.
My folks are starting to distribute the future inheritance to my sibling and I. We are in our 40s, and I can say that the value of this money today is helping us so much more than it will in 20 years. They’re also doing small amounts to my kiddos. Again, the value of that money now is also so much more than it will be for the kiddos in 20 years. I feel absolutely fortunate and hope to have wealth to distribute to my kids in the future.
WTM73199@reddit
Unfortunately, I live in an expensive area where the prices are $1.5 million for a detached house, $500,000+ for a condo. There is no way, I can help my kids buy their own home. Heck, I can’t even buy myself a house let alone my kids. Besides, my youngest can’t even find a job.
It’s really depressing and discouraging.
Ray_The_Engineer@reddit
We mostly cut the apron strings with our 2 daughters after they completed undergrad. We largely paid for that, bought them cars to drive (a total of 5 over years due to wrecks and other issues), horses to ride, and other expensive stuff as they were growing up. They're both professionally-employed at this point, and I feel like it's time for them to make their own way in the world. My options for retirement/semi-retirement could have happened A LOT sooner if we'd been less generous, and I have no regrets...BUT...I'm 60 later this year and it's time for us to ensure that we have what we need to take the next step.
Sea-Oven-7560@reddit
I don't know if it was the plan or if my parents simply didn't have the money but we always had what we needed and that's kind of where it ended. We had beater cars and tuition was covered but if the car broke you had to fix it and if you wanted to eat anywhere but the cafeteria that was on you too. That didn't mean that mom didn't slide you a few bucks when you came home but it did mean that you had to work and not fuck up too bad. I think it's great for parents to be a safety net but subsidizing their lifestyle is one of the worst things a parent can do, everyone needs to live within their means not their means plus their parents. Lastly as we are getting older supporting adult kids is just nuts, I want to retire soon and if it's a choice between retiring next year or working 2 more years so my kid can buy a house and not a condo that they can afford, sorry kid you're going to be buying a condo. Let's not ruin these kids before they have a chance to do it on their own.
Ray_The_Engineer@reddit
Agree whole-heartedly.
Temporary-Library597@reddit
Yes. Our parents did it for us. They bought and we paid them rent in the amount of the mortgage payment. Their rate was well below what we would have gotten with our credit, and the monthly on that was well short of what rent would have cost us on the open market.
And we've done the same for our kids. We're lucky to be in that position now, and lucky that our parentls gave us a head start!
CheezyGoodness55@reddit
Too late now, you’ve already made the offer. What are you going to do, tell him that mom said no because you’re already too spoiled?
Sounders1@reddit (OP)
I did not offer my son anything yet. I waited till they left to discuss the issue with my wife.
CheezyGoodness55@reddit
Smart!
ultimate_ed@reddit
Better read the post again.
CheezyGoodness55@reddit
You‘re right, I mistakenly interpreted “when they left“ as “as they left.” Thanks for pointing it out.
goldenelr@reddit
I think some people are being too hard on the wife here. They could have differences in how they few their finances - maybe she feels that cash will be important in their retirement. Or it could be that she sees some entitlement in their child that OP doesn’t.
I love the idea of giving my kids advantages I didn’t have but I have seen how that doesn’t always truly help them. Perhaps you can split the difference. If your son is saving for a down payment and working hard, maybe when they get close you can match that. Or contribute an amount you and your wife agree on. I don’t think it’s wrong to want the son to have more skin in the game. Not having student debt and getting support for a vehicle and wedding is a lot and he is way better set up for success than most.
That doesn’t mean that OP is wrong to help. Help can look a lot of different ways.
teekeno@reddit
They didn't ask, so don't offer. You giving/loaning them money will put the ever looming, "my parents gave / loaned" us the money that your son could pull out any time. Makes you look "bigger" than her parents. Stay out of it.
Constant-Prog15@reddit
I wouldn’t be a home owner without help from my parents. If you can afford to, do it.
goggles_99@reddit
My parents (well my mom and stepdad) were going to gift me a downpayment. But i am a single person and realized that I still couldnt afford something where I live. I am now on the dead parent plan. I will get my parents paid off house when my mom dies. It is not worth trying to buy a place now. Plus i think I will have to move in with my mom pretty soon to just help her with things. She is pretty independent but it will be easier to just live with her. We are pretty close and i did promise to prolong moving her into a home. I dont have a problem takong care of her til I can't. Once she goes I have plan to sell and move to Europe.
ImplementUseful4923@reddit
If you could, why the hell wouldn't you help them? Jesus, so tired of this boomer mind set. It's exhausting. "Pull yourself by your bootstraps young whipper snapper!". Yeah in a system that was created, not by them, to eventually would come to the current shit that is now. Its your kid!
thedreadedaw@reddit
Did you read the list of all the things they have already paid for? The parents have been the bootstraps.
imhere_4_beer@reddit
I wish I could upvote this 100 times.
Most people are struggling themselves, at every age. If you can give your kid an advantage, I vote yes.
Why else do we work so hard??
tpauly0225@reddit
We gave a little towards my son’s down payment and paid for his home inspection - bc we wanted to. He never asked for anything other than advice throughout the whole process. He was only 27 at the time. Very proud of him.
JudieK123@reddit
Yes, I have for the first 2 and am ready when the youngest needs it as well. I see my purpose now as trying to help my kids in any way I can… because it’s so much harder now.
zeza71@reddit
If you can afford it, then give them a small amount for a down payment. But, you should be secure enough that you don’t strap yourself for possible long term care in the future. Do any of us have enough for long term memory care?? It’s too much to ask children to take parents into their own home and wipe butts.
JJQuantum@reddit
My sons are 20 and 16. We are paying for their college. We are not paying for their weddings or honeymoons, though of course we will give a great gift which could involve a decent amount of money. We are going back and forth about matching what they save for a home downpayment, up to a certain amount. It’s still up in the air though.
NukularWinter@reddit
My wife and I did a lot more financially than our parents did for us: we bought our kids cars when they were younger, carried their insurance, cell phones, and spent quite a bit getting them through college. They both make good money now, I think weddings will probably be the last big ticket item we fund significantly, we're going to have to think about our own retirement in the near future.
ComprehensiveAir2921@reddit
We received $10,000 from parents towards our first (and only home). All three kids got that help. But we paid for our own education (when college and University wasn’t crazy pricing)
Noodnix@reddit
My parents helped me get into my house 20+ years ago. Neither of my kids are ready for home ownership. One just graduated from university and the other will be going to grad school in the fall. With the median house price in the area at over $1M, I don’t know how meaningful anything I could contribute to a down payment would be.
favoritefinch@reddit
I want to help them if they want to buy a home. My dad helped me so anything else would be pretty hypocritical.
AssistantAcademic@reddit
I don't think there's a universal right answer. Depends on your financial situation. Their career. How many kids you have (and fairness), etc.
My wife and I have an only. We're in pretty good financial shape. He's only 16 today, but if markets remain good between now and then I could see us gifting him a sizable down payment in 10 years or so.
...but if our retirement picture is uncertain or unstable at that point, or if he picks up some nasty habits between now and then or has a persistent failure to launch, we may not.
UKophile@reddit
Help, but loan only. Too much free doesn’t build backbone.
NecessaryEmployer488@reddit
We have helped our kids along the way. Here is the thing for a home. My kids would need to open up their finances to make sure they can afford they home they want to buy. This means we would help them with the 20% down payment if we feel they can afford regular payments.
At this point would I help my kids buy a home, I would likely say no. My overall situation is that at 61 I would like to be able to retire, even though I am not planning on retiring at this time. I feel I need to put on my life jacket first and solidify my wife's and my retirement first. So it is about having enough money in the future for me, even though I have enough money now to help them.
chasingjulian@reddit
Think of it as an advance on inheritance when they really need it. Maybe match their downpayment? It’s very difficult to save up for a down payment, many people buying their first home got help. Stabilizing a roof over your kids head will pay you dividends down the road. They are less likely to move in with you and more likely to give you grandkids.
My dad said his main motivation in helping us with a down payment is to keep us from moving in with them!
SDF3_SkullLeader@reddit
I am with her. You have already gifted 100k to 400k to get him ahead in life. Sounds like you can afford it, but with no debts he could save a ton and will learn a bit of fiscal responsibility. If you don't draw the line now, you will always be giving him money for stuff. Baby clothes, a baby moon trip, a new car, furniture for the house. If he learns now how to save and make choices (one of them is playing the property ladder) then he is better setup for success independent of your money.
United_Concept1654@reddit
I am barely making it myself, but I am very happy to let them live at home rent free while they save
ApprehensiveDiver539@reddit
I helped my daughter and her partner by gifting them a sizeable amount for a down payment. Unfortunately the relationship ended within a couple of years and they sold the house - at a loss - despite my attempted to steer them in a direction that would protect this investment. They didn’t care. I was and am so hurt. It’s less about the money and more about the nonchalant attitude I was getting. Very sad over this.
ParticularNovel698@reddit
All very good comments. And every family is different. I’m a single mother and I help where I can with my four. Their grandmother helped me educate all of them, thankfully! One sibling is bipolar 1 and we all help take care of him when necessary. I paid for the two girls weddings but I’ve never bought a car, etc. They are all wonderful, kind, responsible and quite successful people. That should be the goal for all of us!!
CheesyRomantic@reddit
My kids are young right now, but when that time comes if I am able to, I would.
My family isn't in a financial position to be able to help us with anything financial. If they could, they would. But they can't.They have helped us in a million other ways.
My husband's side is well off and has helped us many times financially.
This is often thrown in my face, and used against me. It is hurtful.
So IF you do help them, please be sure to not throw it in anyone's face.
Intelligent-Court295@reddit
Tell your wife two things:
Buying a home today is prohibitively expensive as compared to when most Gen X bought their homes.
Our children didn’t choose to be born. As parents, we made that decision for them and this may be a controversial take, but IMO, if you’ve chosen to create someone, you have to be willing to support them for as long as you live.
Way too many parents have the attitude that once their kids reach 18, they’re on their own. While I’m sure kids in this situation appreciate the 18 years of support you were legally obligated to provide, parents really need to step up if they want their kids to have any semblance of the life they had.
OkIron6206@reddit
TRUE THIS 👆🏻
almostaarp@reddit
So, my parents didn’t have help and none of their children did. But if we have the money, we’ll help our kids. I’m not sure why you would not. Unless you don’t like your kids. My folks helped us as much as they could after we moved out on our own. We help our kids as much as we can. We’ll continue to do that.
WolfThick@reddit
If you can help them now it's just going to cost more in the future why wouldn't you want to create generational wealth for your own family. I mean the rich people do it without even thinking
migraine24-7@reddit
I'm of the mindset that if it's not robbing from your future self and retirement needs, it's beneficial to start giving your heirs their inheritance when they can more financially benefit from it (maybe not all because you don't know what your medical expenses will be, but at least some). Whether that's helping them with a down payment on a house, building up their own investment/retirement accounts, reliable vehicle, paying off debt, etc.
My husband and I have received inheritance from a few different relatives over the years, and so have siblings and cousins (15+ year age gaps), and its interesting to see how the same money is used in various ways to help further or better each person's life depending on what stage of life they were currently in.
No matter the decision you and your wife make, it will be the best decision for your family.
mldyfox@reddit
Hi, there, OP.
There's been some really good discussion on this topic.
Usually it's the mom that wants to help the son more, so this is interesting.
If your wife is at the point of, we'll, shoot, we've paid for college AND a wedding, housing should be up to the newlyweds, in your shoes I start asking why she feels that way, beyond the financial. Include the financial stuff, yes, but also talk about the emotional stuff too.
Thing is, there are programs out there that help people buy their first homes, but there aren't any for helping with retirement years beyond saving the money yourself, even Social Security is based on what you earned over your working life.
Plus, if they're newly married, working on the shared goal of a down-payment will show them how strong of a relationship they really have. How aggressively, or not, they save toward that goal is important. Not that not aggressively saving for that down-payment shows a weak relationship, it's more in how they figure out how to work together. Jumping in and gifting that money right off the bat deprives them of that opportunity.
Plus, renting a while in the beginning of marriage gives them the chance to start dreaming about what they want their life to look like, without the property ownership limiting them to a set location right away. And then building that life.
Revisit helping with the down-payment on a house in a year or two, when they have some savings of their own.
blatantlyobvious616@reddit
It’s more important that you’re on the same page with your spouse vs. continuing to support your 25 year old adult child financially.
You’ve done WAY more than most of us have been able to do, if you’ve paid for college, vehicle, wedding, honeymoon. Let your kid be a grown up and find the satisfaction of being able to save up and pay for something themselves.
It hits different when you actually DO THE WORK to make something like this happen, and it a an invaluable life skill to be able to save up for a down payment. You’ve already given them a huge head start by allowing them to get there with no student loans, no car payment, no wedding debt, etc.
Allow them to feel the pride of earning this themselves.
Sea-Oven-7560@reddit
I think this is the big disconnect between us and our kids. When I got out of college moving back into my childhood bedroom wasn't really an option -people living at home with mom were a punchline. There was no, I need to save up money, go travel, buy an nice car and then save up to buy a house, it was go get an apartment. My first apartment out of college was 11X14', it was a crappy apartment in a weird neighborhood. I had a bunch of shitty jobs, often two at the same time, but I paid all my bills and still had enough to have a lot of fun. No, I didn't get to spend a month in Bali and no I didn't get to buy a brand new BMW, I couldn't afford a vacation nor could I afford a new car but I was an adult and I paid my own bills and what more can you ask for? If I really needed money I'm sure my parents would have given it to me but I would have done anything in my power not to have to ask my parents for money, I would have been so ashamed. What I learned is that I was surprisingly resilient, I could miss a meal or two and survive. I could make $25 last all week if I needed to. I didn't need a 4 bedroom house to lead a happy life. I still look back at that time as some of the best times of my life and I think we are doing our kids wrong by not letting them try and succeed. It's so much easier to learn how to get by on not much when you are 22 then when you are 43 and we aren't giving these kids that oppertunity.
groundhogcow@reddit
I can't help my kids.
Car's, rent, school, anything. If I help them it means nothing to them and they destroy it. If I force them to work for it themself they struggle and save and succeed.
I can help them more then I do but it's wasted money. It I wait until they have real problems I can save them and it's appropriated, but if I pay for all the things to prevent the problem they still have the problem and I pay double.
I do better balling them out and they can just inherent things.
rcook55@reddit
I was giftted money for the down-payment on my first house, from that I've bought and sold my way into my current 3rd house. Without that help I'm nm ot sure I would be we're I'm at.
When our kid wanted to buy we helped with a down-payment and cosigned as well. They have since moved to NYC so we now rent their condo for them and are the landlords for it.
I see no reason not to help if you can.
stlredbird@reddit
My son is 10 so no, but 15 years ago my parents helped us with our downpayment to avoid PMI and i will be happy to do the same with my son as long as i know he is responsible. We didnt ask for help, they just offered and my wife and i discussed before accepting the help.
We have been investing in his future his entire life, why would i stop after he’s a certain age?
Docrandall@reddit
Hopefully I will help my son with a down payment someday.
TaxiLady69@reddit
I don't even own my own house. However if I had the money I absolutely would do that for my children.
HeftyDesign7349@reddit
I have a stressful job. It makes me a bit unhappy. But it makes me happy to know that I will be able to help with college and a down payment on a starter home. The way things are today kids need help to break into the market. If they are responsible and spend wisely, I am happy to help.
OkIron6206@reddit
Why not give it now as opposed to when you are dead? I think it’s better to give now (if you can afford it) so that you can enjoy the house together. Please remind your wife that life is short.
NvGable@reddit
Not only short, but can't take it with us when we are gone, and the most important thing in life are the relationships that we have, and the time spent with others.
OkIron6206@reddit
Exactly! I got my first home with help from my Mom At 27. She spent many years visiting me! What great memories.
Sunchef70@reddit
Yes! Absolutely will. How can I expect my kid to save a down payment in today’s world. Avg home where I live in in the 9’s.
77librarian@reddit
If I could afford it, I would help them with a down payment. Unfortunately, I don’t even own my own home and probably never will. I make do by helping them each month for expenses if they need it.
With_Purpose_4933@reddit
Our kids are living in a completely different time than we did. If they are grateful, help your kids. If they expect it, maybe now isn't the time.
Only by a sheer miracle is our daughter able to buy a home (she closes this month). But we were ready and willing to step in and help.
Our son will be looking in the next year or two and we will step in if he needs it. These "kids" are 27 and 25. At that age, my husband and I had already had them. Our kids aren't even thinking about children. And still, they are barely able to afford a home. It's sad. Help your kids.
hopelesscaribou@reddit
If you can afford to help them out with a down payment, and it won't affect your finances, why wouldn't you? Don't we want better for our children?
There are 2 types of people out there:
The "I had it hard so others should have it hard"
And the "I struggled so others don't have to."
Which one do you want to be?
(Your wife should also realize that homes were much more affordable when she bought hers.)
Twitch-Weasel-51@reddit
It's not about wanting others to have it as hard as you did. It's about putting in the work that makes you appreciate what you have. When everything is just handed to you, you have no investment, no risk and therefore no appreciation. Whether it's a college education, a car or a house. When you have a little bit of sweat equity into something, you tend to care for it better. And yes, kids have it a lot harder than we did financially, but they also have a lot of other benefits we didn't. Help them, but don't hand it to them.
Dazzling-Astronaut88@reddit
If you can help and you want to help, then its totally fine and potentially sets them up to do even better than you. However, you are under no obligation to help and you both need to be in agreement.
Myfanwy66@reddit
My kid bought her first home at 29, with zero help from me. $450,000 in a LCOL area at 3.1%.
My Silent Gen parents didn’t help me either.
Jenshark86@reddit
God that is so cheap. In GTA area in Ontario Canada you can’t get a dog house for that much.
SmokedPumpkin@reddit
I would if I could. Rent is outrageously expensive now, which makes it difficult to save up a down payment for the outrageously expensive houses.
Your wife is either completely out of touch with reality, or she’s just mean.
thebiglerm@reddit
Yes my parents let me buy my house on my own. Because they're broke.
Active_Recording_789@reddit
Oh course I’d help! I’d buy the fucking house for them if I could. What’s wrong with people these days
Alternative-Neat1957@reddit
We helped both of our kids
mommacat94@reddit
If I had the means, yes. I've helped with cars, most of schooling, and very modest weddings.
1Frazier@reddit
No kids but here is what my parents did for me 25 years ago. As a house warming they bought my appliances that did not come with the house - the fridge, microwave, washer and dryer. I don't remember if they gave me a budget but I didn't pick anything extravagant -- the fridge was a plain white top freezer for example. After saving for a few years I was also a couple thousand short of having enough for a 20% down payment. I asked them to loan me the couple thousand telling them I would pay it back in full (no interest) within 3 months based on my upcoming paychecks and budget. They loaned it to me and I paid it back as promised which we all knew would be a non-issue based on our relationship and my fiscal responsiblity.
Maybe you wait and see when they are ready to buy a specific house and then determine if there is way you both agree makes sense to help out.
ZipperJJ@reddit
"I didn't get help so no one else should" is such a shitty attitude. Doesn't she realize how ridiculous home buying is today? If you're in a position to help you should absolutely help!
People who have the means who want to be generous with their money should be generous NOW while they're alive, not hoard it until they are gone. You should want to see your kids do well!
FWIW my grandpa gave me a loan and I paid it back. My parents gave me a gift. Between the two, I had 10% down in 2005.
Meekanado@reddit
Have your wife look at home prices. It’s not the same as before. Absolutely help them with a down payment. Make sure they’re buying within their means though. A little guidance with the financial help shouldn’t be refused.
j1knra@reddit
When it’s time, I’d like to help our young adult do so as well. Yes we have paid for college, cars, private school, and just about everything else but if we have the money to do so and she’s the only one who will inherit our estate so why not help them out earlier than later.
SnowblindAlbino@reddit
It hasn't come up for us and our kids are in their 20s. When we bought our first home we borrowed about 50% of our down payment from my parents, but that was a loan at the time-- enough to get us to 20% down, and we paid it all back. Would I give thousands to my kids for that purpose? No. And I would not pay for their weddings or honeymoons either; college was the last big lift for us.
Lending seems quite different to me though; if we had the liquidity I would not hesitate to loan our kids money to help with a home purchase.
MedievalHag@reddit
I just (early May) gave my son and his wife 10k to help them buy their first home. They had managed to save up most of the down payment themselves so I didn’t mind helping hem get over the top.
taxitagonist@reddit
Your kids are buying homes?!
Ben_Frank_Lynn@reddit
I'll bet a month's salary this 25 year old is still on mom and dad's phone plan...
TarnishedBlade@reddit
What’s wrong with being on the family phone plan? If he’s responsible and the phone plan makes sense economically, I don’t see the problem .
iloveScotch21@reddit
My parents helped me a long my journey and I will do the same for mine. Ask yourself why rich people tell you not to do something while they do the opposite? You think the Waltons don’t help their own?
throwaway19331941@reddit
My mom gave me a down payment. So many people are priced out of home buying because of this. I helped my son with some too. It’s harder now and the dollar doesn’t go as far. Since you mention that they don’t borrow money and they’re working, they’re not acting entitled. I would.
Long-Foot-8190@reddit
If I had the means to do it, I would help with a house. Real estate is crazy expensive and they may never get to own otherwise. Or worse, they may move away to lower their expenses. Paying for a wedding, no freaking way.
doglady1342@reddit
We do plan to buy our son a house eventually. We did buy a house for him to live in while he was at university and sold when he graduated. We also paid for all of his schooling and his car. We pay his auto insurance and his health insurance as well. We can afford it, so why not? (I'll note that we're fully retired and have no debt and purchasing another house would not affect our lifestyle.)
Have you talked to your wife in depth on why she's resistant to doing this? Could she be worried about putting money aside for later in life? If either of you end up needing assisted living or Memory Care, that is very expensive. Or, maybe there are things that she would like to be doing with the money that you guys aren't doing?
My opinion is that it's important to take care of your own needs first. Before you start buying for someone else, make sure that you have no debt and that you have enough invested to live off of yourselves and to do the things that you want to do. If you're all good financially then it's an awesome thing to be able to help your son and his wife in this way. Just don't neglect the things you and your wife would like to do in order to pay for a house for your son.
But, really, have a sit down talk with your wife about this and find out what her reasoning is. I know what she told you, but there could be more behind it. You definitely need to both agree. Also, please make sure that you're not attaching any strings if you help them out. It's very kind to buy a house or give down payment money, but only if you don't feel like that money gives you some sort of say over your kids lives.
Technical-Option4614@reddit
I never understood parents who are in a position to help and refuse. Putting your kids in a good position to succeed isn't the same as spoiling.
Tls-user@reddit
Our only son just graduated college and is turning 20 next week. He has a great work ethic and got his first job at 14. We paid for his entire two year program so that he could save his income (he has over $25,000 in investments) We will 100% be helping him buy his first house. I didn’t get any help when I bought my house alone at 29 in 1999, but times have changed. I see no reason to leave him millions when we die if we can help him while we are alive
LeftyLucy23@reddit
Yes, we feel the same. Our reasoning is why not see them enjoy it rather than leaving the money to them after we're gone. As long as it doesn't interfere with your own retirement, why not share?
East_Vivian@reddit
We would not have been able to buy a home without help from our parents. And we were in our late thirties at the time. We live in California though so home prices are crazy. I can’t imagine ever having enough money to help my kids buy a home, but if I did I would absolutely help them.
bigtex_1008@reddit
Lol my kids are 11 and 6.
huck500@reddit
When I bought a house in 2001, it was on two first-year teachers' salaries... now the house has tripled in value and teachers salaries are up only 50%. We had it so much easier than our kids do. If you have your retirement/emergency fund all set and some extra money, I'd do it.
Fun_Independent_7529@reddit
Do you 100% have enough to cover retirement (comfortably) for you and your wife?
That would be the first thing to ensure. Entering adult life with no debt the way you've already helped your son is the 2nd.
If you can be reasonably certain that your retirement is secure & comfortable, then you might just want to start by reviewing with her what she is hoping to do in retirement. Travel? Snowbird/Sunbird? (unless you live in a very temperate climate year round) Move somewhere you've always wanted to live?
"Spoiled him enough" sounds like she already disagrees with the money spent.
This "we had to do it the hard way, so should everyone else" attitude is one I have never identified with. What exactly are her concerns? That he won't properly appreciate what he has? That he & his wife will spend money frivolously? That they'll end up moving in with you?
If it's that she wants him to work & save, i.e. "skin in the game", then maybe see if your son is willing to share a little more with you both.
* How much are they saving per month?
* What kind of home are they planning to buy?
* How long will it take to come up with the down payment for a home in their price range?
* Have they considered not just the monthly mortgage but the 1-2% of home value per year in home maintenance costs?
Your help can start in the form of walking through the plan with him and helping him see what is/isn't possible. (and a secondary goal of giving both you and your wife clarity as to the level of difficulty in getting there)
Twitch-Weasel-51@reddit
If you paid for a big wedding, they could have used that money towards a house instead. Help is one thing, but paying the downpayment outright for them is another. Maybe just hold on to that money and let is grow and compound and leave it for them and your grandchildren someday.
Not_High_Maintenance@reddit
My spouse and I have been thinking of buying a modest a house for our adult child but having him rent it from us. We would then put his rent (anything above the mortgage) into a savings account to be used to buy it from us in the future if he wants.
0_IceQueen_0@reddit
I bought them each a condo. It's up to them if they want to buy a house house in the future.
NoneyaBizzy@reddit
Home prices in my area are out of control. It may make a big difference for your son to get help with the downpayment. Do not risk your retirement, but if you have enough money that your retirement is secure and you'll probably be leaving money behind to your son, why not let him get some of that benefit now. I say this because you seem to believe he is a responsible adult. I'm sure it will be tremendously appreciated and can make a difference for years to come.
carry_the_way@reddit
If you can afford it, that's the whole purpose of parenthood--to give your kids the ability to have better lives.
Shit, I can only dream of being able to provide for my kids like that.
mis_1022@reddit
Same! I know if I had the money I would give it especially if they are “good citizens” working, no problems with drugs or police for something like buying a house.
DeaddyRuxpin@reddit
No kids, but I did pass along money to my only good niece to help her buy a house. Back when I bought my house my mother gave me $10k to help with the down payment. She then paid $7k for the new roof the house needed.
When my niece started house shopping my wife and I gave her $20k to pay it forward on the money we got from my mother (plus a bit more to account for inflation since 2003).
MountainRoll29@reddit
As expensive as everything is nowadays we’re helping our kids out financially wherever we can. If you are able to afford it then I don’t see a problem with helping them out.
Rude_Vermicelli2268@reddit
If you can afford it and they are good kids who appreciate you and keep in touch why not?
It was important to me to give my kids a good start so we ensured they got through college without loans. If we can afford it we would definitely want to help them out with a portion of their down payment
FI_321@reddit
I’m a single parent and plan to help my only kid substantially with a home purchase. He’s only 16, so I have a few more years, but giving him my current house ($600K) is what I’m leaning towards. I retired a few years ago at 46 and my investments are growing rapidly, so why not share the wealth with the person who means the most to me.
imrickjamesbioch@reddit
I don’t have kids but I do help pay moms mortgage on top of my own/wife. If you have the money, why not help? 🤷🏻♂️
I think a loan for a with a down payment is great idea! Im assuming your kids are renting and surely money towards their own house to build equity is a lot better than wasting it on rent.
Especially with inflation, locking up a mortgage for 15 or 30 years and not worrying about rent going up every year can wonders for one’s stress level. Especially whenever they decide to have their own kid/s.
Tramp876@reddit
Are you prepared to make their mortgage payment too? If they can’t save up the money for a down payment they won’t be able to afford their house payment. It sounds like you have done enough so your son has no debt; it’s time for him to be a man and pay his own way. We are creating a generation of people that rely on their parents for survival as they’re living outside their means. I understand times are different than when we grew up but the responsibilities are still the same.
emryldmyst@reddit
If you paid for all that already then I can see why your wide said no.
I paid for my kids to go to college and bought them a car.
My work is done.
attaboy_stampy@reddit
Maybe a loan for the down payment? But also, if they're not asking for anything, I'm not sure I'd offer.
jgrubb@reddit
In my humble opinion, it's your job as a parent to offer.
attaboy_stampy@reddit
Well, I am not sure I would think that with my kids, but it depends on their situation. If I thought they needed it, yeah I would. If not, I would not.
I would not have wanted the offer when I was younger and could afford it. I'd have been annoyed by it. But that's me.
Caspers_Shadow@reddit
My parents were very methodical and clear about what they would (and would not) assist us kids with. We had to buy our own cars and pay related expenses from day one. In college, they covered my classes and books plus gave me a flat $300/mo to help with bills. This meant I covered everything (car, insurance, food, rent, utilities, etc...) with my work income plus that $300/mo. They also would not cosign for any type of student loan. I had to work 30+ hours per week while in school to cover my bills. This assistance was in place as long as we were full-time students. If we quit a semester or dropped out, we were on our own. None of us got assistance with a home, wedding expenses, etc.... They have helped my sister out several times over the years. She was just not great with her money and got in some binds financially a few times. They could have helped us more, but I think they really just wanted to set expectations and make us go it on our own. I always knew I had a safety net if things got bad, but never expected help from them.
JustKind2@reddit
I would never lend the money. I would figure out what we can afford to give that we both feel comfortable with. For instance, if you want to give 30,000 and your wife wants to give zero, maybe you can compromise on 15,000 or 10,000.
CrocusCat@reddit
Strong agreement here - do not lend, just gift if you can and if you and your wife can come to an agreement. Loans between family members never go well - it’s just a bad feeling that gets worse over time.
tehyajen@reddit
My Dad gave me a small amount to help when I thought my first house. I did the same for my son when he bought his.
yeahyeahalwayslate@reddit
If I had the means, yes. But I’ve still not bought a home for myself so….
H ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha….no.
SimbaRph@reddit
My husband owns a construction company. He bought a halfway decent duplex and renovated the downstairs. He sold it to our son at his cost and my son is renovating the upstairs. He already renovated the garage himself.
Top-Establishment918@reddit
It depends on how much you have. If you can afford it, I would. This younger generation has it far harder than we did in the 80s and 90s. The cost of everything to just live has gotten far worse. They have a much higher hill to climb than we did financially.
philly-buck@reddit
Dude - my daughter is a doctor and doing fine. I just helped her buy a condo. I spoiled her. She still worked her ass off and is a great person. Being helpful and loving to your kid isn’t spoiling them.
If your kid is a do nothing waiting for a handout - don’t do it.
DontCallMeDeb36@reddit
My daughter used my BFF as a real estate agent. When she git it, she did a lot of redesigning and I gave her all her lighting as a house warming gift.
FreeThinkerFran@reddit
For my first daughter, we paid for undergrad, grad and wedding, so no help for them with a house. But for my second, she did not end up going to college, so we gave her the equivalent of what we spent on school for the first and she used it to buy a condo. Our parents paid for our education and wedding and set us up to start out with zero debt. As someone else said, if you CAN help and your child(ren) are appreciative and not entitled assholes, why not?
gurana@reddit
Part of me sees her point re spoiling. Without knowing your child and his attitude. I've known people that had their parents that care of everything and they're the most responsible, generous, hard working people. I've seen it go the other way too. All that to say, just because you covered that other stuff, doesn't mean you should or shouldn't offer this assistance.
That said though, I would err on the side of letting him try it on his own. He's already got a great headstart. But if it looks like they're struggling or they're putting off other life goals (e.g., children) I think it's ok to offer assistance if you can help.
skinisblackmetallic@reddit
I told my kid to keep renting & put her money into other things.
SquirrelBowl@reddit
Yes, set your kid up for success. While you’re at it, offer a session with your financial advisor about saving for their retirement. Just because your parents didn’t help you why does that mean you shouldn’t help your kid?
ExaminationFancy@reddit
If you have the money sitting around doing nothing, why not help them?
My parents are 80 and had a lot of extra money sitting in the stock market. Last year, they paid off my house and my sister’s house.
We didn’t ask for help, they just want us to enjoy life without the burden of a stupid mortgage.
Myfanwy66@reddit
Omg. I can’t imagine my parents (who are dead now anyway) doing that.
ExaminationFancy@reddit
My parents are so incredibly frugal. It caught us by surprise as well.
In the end, they recognized there was no point in dying with a pile of cash.
LastOneSergeant@reddit
Modern life is a multi generational financial relay race.
Helping, hurting, or apathy has a multi generational impact.
A house or an apartment mean the difference between one grand child or none.
lisanstan@reddit
My in-laws helped us with our first home. I would help my son (who is currently looking with his wife). As long as we can afford it, and we can.
Does your wife think there are things she's not getting due to the financial help you've given your son? She sounds resentful. Does she not like him or the wife? It feels odd for her to have such a reaction when you can afford it and he doesn't expect it.
auscadtravel@reddit
If you have the extra then why not give it as a loan with no interest. Then your wife is happy because its not a gift, its a loan. Let them pay it back slowly as and when they can. You could also as they pay it back put it into a college fund for future grandkids.
You can greatly impact their life by helping now rather than leaving them money once you die. Why have your kid get money when they are in their 50s or 60s when it could have made a much bigger impact now rather than later.
Jenshark86@reddit
My son who’s 29 has no interest in a house. The maintenance involved with a house is a lot and he wouldn’t do it. Instead he saves money in the stock market.
seaotter1978@reddit
If my kids were in position to buy a home, I would gladly help them with a down payment. We've paid for a couple of cars for them, and they're nowhere close to being able to afford a home. Home prices are crazy here. My parents didn't help with our first home (we didn't ask or need)... though they did give us a bridge loan of $20k while we were selling our first house and moving into our forever home... basically meant we didn't have to close on the sale of our first home in order to buy the one we live in now, which was really nice. We did pay them back right when the first house sold, though they told us we could take our time.
ParlayPayday@reddit
We’re about to pay off $30k in credit card debt for ours. Helping with a down payment seems so much less painful. I would do it. Even responsible and motivated kids these days can really use a helping hand with life’s big expenses.
Cambiknitter@reddit
My grandparents helped my parents buy their home, my parents helped us buy our home, and we'll help our children buy their first home. I don't think we are required to do so, I don't think we should go into debt to do so, but if you can, why not? Things are so much more expensive now! And, I'd rather give with a warm hand than a cold one.
geekspice@reddit
The most important question is, can you afford it without endangering your own financial stability?
If the answer is yes, and your kid isn't an entitled jerk, then I say do it.
Side note: if your wife doesn't understand why it is so much more difficult for young people to buy a house these days versus back when we first did, she sounds a bit unhinged and divorced from reality. She might want to, I don't know, read a newspaper or something.
No-Attitude1554@reddit
No. Don't help them. They are a married couple. Let them have pride in saying it's their home.
nooniewhite@reddit
Jesus H I just bought my first home 7 years ago (thank god I started late and my kid is only 6 🤣)!
I’m scared to find out the housing situation when my son is old enough for this to come up. I have a feeling things won’t be great, sadly. If I was in a position to help at that point I certainly would.
SugarMag1976@reddit
My kids aren't yet old enough, but absolutely, if I had the money.
Potential_Chicken_72@reddit
If I have the money I will certainly do everything in my power to help.
FC_KuRTZ@reddit
Assist if possible. Break the Boomer cycle.
ezgomer@reddit
My Boomer Dad gave me and my siblings down payment money to buy a house after the housing market crashed.
I have no idea when I would have bought a house otherwise. I don’t think it is a bad thing if your children are responsible and supporting themselves. If you have the funds to help, help them. I know now - 17 years later - I am very grateful that my father did this. As my salary grew and that mortgage payment didn’t change, I was able to start maxing out my retirement savings. I plan to retire between ages 55 and 59.
ileentotheleft@reddit
How much did college, the car & the wedding cost? I’m guessing more than a down payment on a house. I’m with you, you’ve been more than generous
LHCThor@reddit
Both my kids bought their homes on their own.
guru42101@reddit
I think it largely depends on your opinion of their responsibility, your opinion on if they're in a position to need a home, your finances, and how much it would impact your future.
My first home I was able to live in for all of nine months. Then I had to move for work. I should have known better because they were actively talking about opening a new office elsewhere and it seemed to me at the time they were considering completely moving (TN to FL). I was told by my manager that we weren't moving but turns out she was wrong. I ended up losing 20-30k after realtor fees and interest paid while trying to sell the house after I moved.
My ex-wife and I were always having problems. It would never have been a good idea for my family to help us buy a house. I also never asked for that reason. She was also bad about spending money we didn't have and was the primary reason we didn't have have a down payment saved.
Lastly, my parents had a decent retirement saved up, but not great, and they didn't have their own home close enough to being paid off. So it would make their own retirement much more difficult.
Advanced_Tax174@reddit
The money is going toward a sound, long-term investment and a quality of life improvement for your child.
Assuming you are otherwise comfortable and financially secure, what else are you doing with your money that is more worthwhile.
bigredthesnorer@reddit
My oldest (early 30s) was just talking to me last night about buying a house, his budget for it, etc. I didn't say anything but the only way he can do it will be for us to give him at least $15k for a downpayment. The market is just too expensive where he lives. His rent is roughly the same as a mortage payment and I'd rather have him own than rent.
Beatrix_Kitto@reddit
If it’s something you can afford, sure as long as they aren’t entitled assholes. I’m just happy I can help mine out occasionally with his rent and grocery costs. It’s crazy expensive out there.
lionbacker54@reddit
Happy wife, happy life
805falcon@reddit
Fuck. That. Shit
Over-Cranberry-4637@reddit
Word
Worldly_Tooth_1996@reddit
Happy spouse, happy house
allaboutaphie@reddit
If you have the $$$, you cant take it to the grave. But only if it is financially doable without having to hold off retirement or what not.
LRWalker68@reddit
This.
What is money FOR, if not to make the lives of the people we love easier?
I promise that the rich aren't twisting themselves in knots helping their kids out.
Champsterdam@reddit
I always think about inheritance. If you can give that help now vs waiting until you die go for it. The world has all these younger people set up for failure vs what we had a generation ago.
cyvaquero@reddit
They aren't at that stage just yet but we have some money in Vanguard accounts for them once they get to a certain stage of life. It's not a lot but more than either my wife or I started out with ($0).
Conscious_Life_8032@reddit
How about matching what they save for a downpayment?
I do think paying for college and car is already a generous head start in life and depending on your kid it could make them complacement and not motiivated to pave their own way. So help by all means but make sure they have some skin in the game too as it will help them in other aspects of life to be motivated/ambitious
cameramanlady@reddit
You could double whatever they save for the down payment. That would be nice.
TXtogo@reddit
I go through it all the time. What makes it worse is that one of my kids is financially doing better than the other right now and always will be, so if I help the less able one I’m not being fair.
We did decide to help though, we are paying the down payment on their apt which is like $10k, co-signing for it (it’s a very hcol area) and when they get their shit together we will help them buy a house. Right now they’re not able to get a house even if I were to pay the whole damn thing - they’re living out their dreams
Raynet11@reddit
If I can afford it I will be doing it for all of my kids, you only live once and you can’t take it with you, I want my kids to have it better than I had it, I scrapped hard to get the funds together to get my own house. For context I made more than my dad by the time I was 26, self made. They kept a roof over my head , fed , and clothes on my back, couldn’t ask for much more than that tbh.
mmconno@reddit
Your wife is comparing apples and oranges. It’s much, much harder to buy a home now than it was 25 years ago.
ps Lots of comments here have a Boomer-y tone to them.
AveragefootSasquatch@reddit
You have a house?
Capricorn75@reddit
My thoughts exactly 🤣
atomickristin@reddit
I would absolutely buy your kids a home. When we were getting started many moons ago, we were surrounded by people whose parents were extremely helpful to them. Our parents weren't (my husband's parents were poor, and my parents were one of those divorced 70's couples who doesn't care about the child of the first marriage). Bought them homes/cars/furniture, took them on vacations, gave them job opportunities, etc. We really felt the lack of a helping hand comparatively speaking, and it took us till we were basically in our 50's to get to the type of financial security that most of the people we know - even those 10-15 years younger than us - had since their 30's. Only after my husband's parents both died and left us a small chunk of money were we able to convert that plus an already frugal lifestyle into any type of real security.
Potential-Bluejay-50@reddit
I don’t know. I think true help can look different and be more impactful depending on how that help is provided.
For example, maybe teach your son about investing or saving and how to reach a goal on his own. Or maybe provide some incentive where you match funds and it comes out of his inheritance preemptively.
But he really needs to have a vested interest in his life. Meaning his actions need to contribute to his ultimate success.
Just from what you posted here it looks like you’ve basically done everything for him. I don’t think we do our children any favors by doing everything for them. It’s really more about teaching them to become independent self-sufficient human beings who don’t rely on mommy and daddy for everything.
Beach-Queen-0922@reddit
We loaned our kids a good down-payment. We'd rather less money go to the bank!!
boomer7793@reddit
Yes, it’s true it much harder for them to buy a house and the price of everything is going up.
You need to get on the same page as your wife. Soon, your nest will be completely empty and all you have left is each other. Ask about her feelings and thoughts. Do not dismiss them and reflect what you hear back at her. (So what i am hearing is that you’re worried about xxx. And you’re concerned with yyyy). Reflecting doesn’t mean you agree. But it makes them feel heard. And enables you to come from a position of feelings vs adversarial my way or your way. Do not be defensive.
And at some point, tour kids need to start to take over and make their own financial plans. If you still feel like you need to do something, take the money you want to give them and set it aside. If you and your wife agree, you can give the savings for seed money on a college education or some other large long term goal.
ogliog@reddit
Man I disagree with everybody in the comments, lol. Housing is ridiculously fucking expensive now. The 90s is totally irrelevant as a frame reference for the cost of housing today, and most young people will need help to buy a home.
To me it seems like the question is, do you want to feel "righteous," as I guess the wife does, or do you want your kid to own a house. I vote for ownership, and fuck the moralizing.
Rhusty_Dodes@reddit
Agreed. The kid sounds responsible and hasn't asked for it. I think any parent who can help their kid be set up for the future should. The we didn't have help so they shouldn't attitude sucks.
infinitynull@reddit
No kids but my parents helped me.
Put myself through school by working part-time during the school year. After school my parents loaned me the downpayment (5k, those were the days) for the house and co-signed the mortgage to help me qualify. They later gifted me the downpayment.
It was a great help to me to get started. I'll always appreciate their help.
dchusband@reddit
Of course they don’t ask, you volunteer it.
I’m with your wife. Take off the training wheels.
FamiliarAnt4043@reddit
Yeah, Dad seems to have piled on the spoiling a bit. I'm helping my kiddos out, but not to that extent. My daughter will have some student loans to pay out, but I've added more to my own loan debt by taking out PLUS loans for her undergrad.
We own a decent chunk of land and both the kids are welcome to build a home on it, with certain restrictions - mainly location related. Of course, they'll have to pay for the majority of the build, if maybe not all of it.
They both purchased their own vehicles, albeit with a little help. I cosigned for my son's truck, he makes the payments. My daughter paid in cash, but borrow a little from her brother to do so, and paid it back.
My wife and I look at things like this: we are all a family and we're in this together. Two of the four kids are special needs and will require their siblings to help after Mom and Dad are gone. We've been very blessed to get were we are and if the kids need help to get going on their own, well do what we can.
But - I'm not doing it for them all on my own. They contribute. A lot. The whole point of being a parent is to build an adult who can contribute to the world in a positive fashion. Handing kids everything rarely turns out well. And no, I'm not paying for anyone's wedding. Mom and I eloped. While I'd prefer that our kids involved us in some way, it's their weddings to plan and pay, they can do as they wish.
linzmarie11@reddit
Why not help with a down payment if you can and if they need it? Getting a leg up on home ownership is a huge investment in their financial future, arguably more than even a college education. It sounds like they haven’t been asking you for much or habitually depending on your financial support. Home ownership is a big one. Help them if you can.
lamauptop@reddit
If you can readily afford to provide assistance along the way, that’s likely much more helpful and impactful than leaving a bigger chink when you die when kids are already in (hopefully) late middle age.
Full_Mission7183@reddit
If my retirement and all other financial necessities are covered and am fortunate enough to be able to help I will.
Philosopher2670@reddit
I wouldn’t offer help to front. But when they do buy their house, I’m sure a nice housewarming gift would be appreciated.
Pug_867-5309@reddit
It sounds like you've done a nice job setting them up to be in a position to save their own money for a downpayment. Why not let them succeed on their own?
wannareadrandomstuff@reddit
There is a difference between setting them up for success and doing things for them. Giving them a leg up in life is very helpful but you have to pick the right things. College, weddings are great examples of helping in the right ways. Paying for a home is a huge move into independence for young adults. Don’t take that from them.
common_sense_canada@reddit
I guess it's dependant on many factors as mentioned. Giving them a push early in life will definitely help them, assuming of course they're not reckless with their future earnings. With that said, asserting yourself financially is very self rewarding in the long run and creates character. Tough call.
Sea-Oven-7560@reddit
At 25? At least wait until they hit 30, at 25 you are still figuring it out, you don't want to saddle them with a house they they can't afford or will be an anchor to their careers.
Synchrotron_RayTrace@reddit
If your own financial situation is good for your retirement, and they seem like good kids, then give them a hand up. My folks matched our down payment because they could and had plenty. Dad thought family was most important since ours is really small.
What was really great was that we could buy a house in our region that was otherwise out of reach. Maybe they did it to have us be close so they could be close to grand kids when we had them? If so we played right into their hands.
Nervous-Rooster7760@reddit
So I paid for college and provided a car that I signed over title to the kids at when they graduate. The debt free start should allow they to start to save. I don’t plan to assist with a down payment. I feel like I have done enough to help launch. I am also the parent paying the most for son’s wedding. They had choice of major in school and understood earring potential.
Andovars_Ghost@reddit
I bought a home for my kid. But my kid is also a cat, and he lets me live there too!
JCCZ75@reddit
The only advice I have is to not loan money to family expecting repayment. It’s just going to cause problems later. Either give him the money for the down payment or don’t. It’s just something you and your spouse will have to agree with.
Ok_Kick6546@reddit
My youngest is 23 and my husband and I plan to help him with a down payment in a few years. Housing costs are so high that most of his generation won’t be able to afford home ownership unless they have help.
b1e9t4t1y@reddit
As hard as the economy is for young people I plan on helping my kids as much as I can. It’s not their fault everything is so expensive. The least we can do is help them get ahead and teach them the value of helping others. Be the example of the person you want them to be.
False-Shower-6238@reddit
Did you pay fully for all those things - college, wedding, honeymoon and car? I always think it’s good for people to have some skin in the game.
I’m not there yet, but if I have the money to help my kid buy a house I will. I kind of always saw it as here’s a set amount of money - use it for a wedding or a house or whatever you think is best. It’s gifted money. I would avoid lending money to any family member.
brergnat@reddit
If your retirement funds are healthy and you won't struggle by helping them, absolutely help them.
This whole "we struggled so they should too" attitude is so gross.
CreativeBusiness6588@reddit
If you are not wealthy, with enough to fund both retirement and your eventual long term care needs, listen to your wife. They already have a huge head start with what you did.
Only if that is funded consider that.