Gen X Parents | TheaterFire

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Jebgogh@reddit

Kid is 17. we have been pretty protective. I think the most important thing is not how strict you are, but how involved are you. You have to know their friends and their friends parents (at least a quick "hi" and hand shake") to see who is around your kid. Being with your kid and being the parent that takes them places and hangs out until they are done is the hard part you have to do. Being involved and being around is harder than being strict.

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cwcharlton@reddit

Excellent point! We haven't had to be strict because we're involved, while still allowing privacy and independence. The respect goes both ways, and we've had very few, very minor, issues.

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CurlyCupcake1231@reddit

We have a much better relationship with our kids than either of us did with our parents. We have always been open and honest with our kids and they in turn are the same with us. If they have asked us about sex, drugs, drinking, etc, we have never hid our pasts and acted like we were perfect kids. We talk about feelings and mental health as well. I’m always checking in on them. Our son has been raised that he can have emotions around is and will never be judged. They both have also been told that our trust and their freedom is earned by not lying or hiding things from us. If we find out otherwise, that trust/freedom is gone for a while and there will be consequences.

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Not_High_Maintenance@reddit

I was less strict than my parents, because they had dumb rules. As a teen, I was so fvcking sneaky. My parents knew nothing about me.

I want my children to be more open with me, so I loosened the reins. They are adults now and are good people.

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Self-Comprehensive@reddit

Well my kids are grown and I have a grandchild but our relationships are great. I never did corporal punishment on them but they got lots of time outs and lectures and grew up to be fine people.

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Arielist@reddit

I have a 16yo (I'm 51) and for mother's Day he gave me the compliment of telling me that he thinks that unlike other moms, "I don't have dumb rules." it doesn't mean I'm easy (I'm a single mom and I make him contribute to the household with a lot of chores and errands!) or that we don't have rules (you better not leave your dishes all over the couch!!) but it does mean that he always understands why a request or rule exists.

I see that as the expression of a lifetime of communicating with him like an adult. That's partially an only child thing (we're both onlies, so it's how I was raised too) but it's also just respecting that kids are just human beings who are learning things.

Honestly, now that I think about it, I treat my teen like I used to treat my employees back when my small biz had a staff of 12. Great folks who sometimes needed guidance, but were always humans worthy of my respect and care.

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NetJnkie@reddit

Why do you want to be more strict? What's driving that? I was raised very not-strict. I didn't have a curfew after like 14. As long as I didn't lie and told them where I was going and when I expected to be home I had a ton of freedom. I think that helped me in life.

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atomickristin@reddit

I have a 35 year old and a 31 year old from when I was young and dumb, and then I got baby fever again and had three kids when I was in my late 30's/early 40's who are now 18, 16, and almost 14. (same husband, not that it matters, but someone always asks) The teen years with all of them was great. We tended to be stricter than what you're describing and we focused on family ahead of peer groups.

I would not try to get strict now. A long time ago, I read an insightful book that described parenting as being either an A or a V shape, in terms of discipline. The "A" parents give too much freedom and too little discipline when the kids are young and then try to clamp down when the kids are teenagers, and this backfires because teenagers want to have more freedom, not less. The "V" parents give very little freedom to younger kids and then open things up as the kids get older. This works better in a number of ways because the kids learn limits early on and then when they're teens, they get to appreciate the freedom they earned. The book went on to explain that regardless of what you did when your child was younger, you can't unring a bell - you can't take away freedom from a teen because they'll only rebel and resent you. So you need to hang on to the connections you have and try to facilitate good choices, without cracking down and becoming a caricature of an 80's parent.

Best of luck to you and your child.

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Myfanwy66@reddit

My daughter is in her 30s. The teen years were horrid.

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Pinepark@reddit

My boys are both on the spectrum. Older son also had ODD/PDA and for anyone who doesn’t know what that is it’s basically every time I would instruct him to do something it was like the fucking world was going to end. We managed - barely. Then dad got sick. Really sick. (We had been divorced for 8ish years at that point) Two years of ME being the villain because if we would have stayed married Dad wouldn’t be dying. Yeah, that was fucking fucked. Dad died. I’m still the villain to older son. He is low contact now. I’ve tried so hard to help him - bought him a house, a vehicle, helped him get jobs and offered therapy etc. Nothing mattered because in 2007 I walked out of my marriage due to my husband never lifting a finger to help with the kids (both autistic) and decided that he would just sit on his ass and flirt with the babysitter he hired to watch the kids while he stayed home and I was at work. Dad died from complications of being a diabetic and never controlling his diet or taking meds. Absolutely nothing I could control.

So lose lose. He’s 25 now. His dad has been dead for nearly 9 years and I’m responsible in his mind.

Fuck me that was a rant. Sorry.

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Equivalent_Win8966@reddit

My son is 17. He has ADHD/ODD and more recently diagnosed with PDA tendencies. Any request for even the basics (take trash out, asking if homework is done, etc.) results in him screaming at me. Strict would be disastrous. He is extremely intelligent but doesn’t have a desire to do school work. I have made every resource available to him, therapists, doctors, meds, IEP, tutors, different school options, sports, activities, etc. I am not sure he’ll graduate high-school next year. Our relationship has been strained for years. I don’t do well being yelled at every day and blamed for every single thing. The sky isn’t the color blue he likes? My fault. It gets worse as he gets older. I have taught him basic life skills that hopefully he takes forward. His father is only around a few days a month and doesn’t parent at all. My son also blames me for our divorce. My ex-husband had no desire to be a father or husband once our son was born and he is the one that wanted a child. But all that is my fault in my son’s eyes. He says the nastiest things to me. I suspect my son will move in with his dad at 18 since it is a low demand/expectation home. I’m pretty certain we will have little to no contact once he is 18.

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Pinepark@reddit

I’m sorry. It’s very frustrating and difficult. You’ve done a lot. It’s not your fault. Sending you hugs.

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oldfarmjoy@reddit

Sometimes we all need to vent. Hugs!! ❤️❤️❤️

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Pinepark@reddit

Thank you. I really try not to vent. I find it just stirs up negative shit. But sometimes it just feels like the right timing. ✌🏼

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CrumblinEmpire@reddit

That’s tragic. Maybe he’ll mature and fully understand what happened someday.

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Pinepark@reddit

It really is tragic. My younger son is 22 and has done a ton of therapy and all the shit necessary to work with the grief. He’s traveled a rough road as well. They lived together for a while last year and older son was verbally abusive to younger son so that had to be dealt with - again all my fault in the eyes of older son. I’ve come to a realization that I had to FULLY back away for my own mental health. I wait for him to come to me and if I’m comfortable with whatever he’s asking for I’ll do it. If not, I’m finding my voice to just say no. It’s hard. He’s my kid.

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NovelGoddess@reddit

My son was raised with responsibilities. He always had age-appropriate chores and got an allowance. Thank God, because once he was out on his own he knew how to clean his home, wash his clothes, load a dishwasher, etc.

We didn't have to discipline him much. We talked a lot, usually at bedtime as we read through the Harry Potter books, or Percy Jackson, etc. He knew if he came to me and told me the truth first any discipline would be much more lenient.

I also talked with his teachers. I told them straight up that I knew he wasn't perfect and that if there was a challenge in class to talk with me and I would help work on it at home. He was usually the biggest kid in class but he was kind, not that he didn't get in the occasional altercation. But I also went to bat for him for him when the school administration was stupid.

Happy to say he grew into a really cool guy that I love hanging out with. We were only able to have him, but his best friends have adopted me as their bonus Mom so now I have 6 boys.

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worstpartyever@reddit

This is lovely, especially his friends being your emergency backup children. ❤️

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NovelGoddess@reddit

Thank you. I love those boys.

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Tekira85@reddit

It's too late to be strict but it's never too late to change your relationship... this is advice I wished other people had taken. Act like you care. Talk to him every day. Remember what you talked about and ask questions about it. " You said that teacher was being an ass, what did he do today?" "How did the test go?"

Give positive reinforcement when he talks: "You think you got a C? Hey, great job, that's a tough subject. Let's get ice cream."

Once he has the idea that you're interested in every small detail to do with him and you're interested in everything he does, then he may be willing to hear occasional bits of advice from you. When he screws up, explain it. Discuss how to fix the screw up.

If you have to punish, explain it. Discuss what he think would be appropriate. Instead of you punishing, let real world consequences kick in. Lose the phone, then you can't afford a new one. If they get a ticket, then they get no allowance because you have to pay the ticket. They oversleep? Then they get fired from the job or get detention at school.

Teenager-hood means they're on a boat heading away from you--you have to build the bridge to them. You have to do the work. Good luck!

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nunyabizthewiz@reddit

My boys are currently 15 and 14. We have a great relationship although I wish they would tell me more about their feelings. They are very good boys and have not really needed to be disciplined. If I ask them to do something (dishes, clean the toilet, etc…) they do it. My biggest complaint is that they don’t get very involved in extra curricular activities.

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mtcwby@reddit

Mine have been great with my sons and we're genuinely very close all through HS and now in their early 20s.

We gave a lot of freedom but they earned that freedom by doing well in school and not doing stupid stuff. I watch my brother with my niece and there's many reasons she rebels but his strictness doesn't help IMO. Nobody wants to be controlled like that.

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hkusp45css@reddit

At 15, you're mostly done. At that point he's modeling his friend group more than his family.

Which doesn't mean it's a crisis. He'll probably be just fine, like everybody else.

But, maybe just try to guide him, now.

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elphaba00@reddit

I have a 19-year-old son officially on the spectrum and a 13-year-old daughter that I think is somewhere there. I also suspect my husband and I are on it, too. We're pretty chill with our kids. We give them expectations, but we also give them space. I don't require them to "talk" to me and tell me everything. They're allowed some privacy.

I will say that the daughter is harder than the son. She and I spent a good day yesterday, and she opened up a bit. But there will be days when there's distance. She will spend a lot of time with her friends or in her room. My son gets upset because, since he's on the spectrum, he needs a little bit more guidance. The wall comes up, and the attitude comes out.

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Godskin_Duo@reddit

As a GenX parent, man, I feel like GenZ is cooked and need to get off my lawn. They NEED some hose water, and riding their bikes around town until dark, and GenY safetyism is a fucking cancer; thanks Oprah.

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NoEmployer2140@reddit

I’ve had the pleasure of raising six kids. I would say I was more like my parents when raising the older three. I was strict and heavy-handed. They’ll do as I say not as I do trope was alive in my home. Over the years, I’ve realized how toxic that was and have done my best to be a different person. My youngest son is now 15 and doing a lot of the same things I did as a child and my instinct is to be heavy-handed like my dad was but I realize that only made me sneakier. I still did all the things I wanted to do but I just lied about it better. So this time around I’m trying to be the dad. I wished I had when I was 15. I don’t know if all the decisions I make are right or wrong, but I definitely know what didn’t work and ultimately I want to maintain a good relationship with my son.

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Lazy-Conversation-48@reddit

We raised our kids to be independent thinkers. It made for a few challenging parenting moments in their teens, but never for them being “bad” kids. They were in their 20s now and still look to us for guidance, but have figured out their paths on their own.

In the teen years we spend long hours talking about having boundaries with others so problematic friends don’t drag you down, we did exercises where they had to pick out a hypothetical apartment where they’d want to live and to figure out a budget - so they’d understand what kind of a wage they would need to afford the lifestyle they’d want, etc.

One kid turned out extremely frugal and the other picked a career path that should lead to a high income.

Kindness and not throwing personal insults were pretty much the main guidelines for discipline as well. Didn’t care about swearing as long as they knew to differentiate where it was or wasn’t appropriate, but hurtful things like saying someone was stupid were forbidden and came with consequences.

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ZetaWMo4@reddit

My kids are 21, 25, 26, and 28. They were mostly pretty chill teens. My 26 year old gave me some hell though. I sent her to stay with my parents across the street for a couple of weeks after she tried to fight me over a Facebook account. I took her to the doctor and advocated for her that maybe something else was going on. Turns out she had really bad PMDD. Once we got her medicated and changed her diet she was just a normal teenage girl with an attitude sometimes.

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TrainingLow9079@reddit

What med helped?

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mjh8212@reddit

Once my son got a job and his own phone I couldn’t keep him away from my mother. He called her when I asked him to do chores and complained my mother convinced him I was being abusive and he started acting up screaming and yelling putting his hands on me and his dad constant fights. He made a call to the police with a false accusation and he moved out of the house. My mom got what she wanted for 17 years my son. My daughter we were rocky after my divorce from her dad but we are closer than ever. I occasionally talk to my son I see him sometimes after not speaking for 7 years. My mom always favored boys. My half sister was raised by her dad and I was raised by mine our brother went with our mom. I tried to have a relationship with my mom over the years and she was there for me after I had my son but it took me too long to realize she wanted nothing to do with me or my daughter she just wanted my son.

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TXtogo@reddit

My son is a little distant my daughter is cool. They’re both grown now but my son grew up with his mother and my daughter is my step daughter and she grew up with me.

I talk to my son, I see him, but he’s older now and I can’t say that we are as close as I’d like to be. I think he doesn’t have the same feeling of family that I have. He was an only child aside from my step daughter who he never really considered his sister. I also think he resents that I have this other child and take care of her like my own. Anyway, I can’t say we have a bad relationship it’s just not a great relationship.. he was raised with less discipline than my daughter in my house, but he was always a very good kid and is successful.. they both are. I think they’re just different people

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liddybuckfan@reddit

My kids are 19 and 21 (I'm 56) and had to go through some of their teen years during covid. They didn't have a normal first couple years of high school and they got really withdrawn. I've always required they have responsibilities around the house though and do the best they can in school (my kids are ND as well and zoom school was very hard for them). My oldest waited until 21 to have her first drink at Disney. Now that they're older I see them doing some of the stuff I did at 15, 16. I would say we have a good relationship. I'm trying to enable them to be independent while still being supportive. It's a tough balance.

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KaligirlinDe@reddit

I told myself that I was going to be the total opposite of my parents which I have acheived. My son (will be 22 this year) is growing up in a loving two-parent household. We speak our minds (call each other out on their shit when needed), speak openly with each other, have each others' back, like spending time with each other, and truly like each other. My son is a well-rounded individual and a stand-up young man. Didn't enforce strict rules because it wasn't necessary and he was/is still pretty easy-going. He's still living with us because he's doing his dual studies (study/work combo; excelling at both) until he's finished. Our HCOL makes it almost impossible to live on your own as a young adult.

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rbetterkids@reddit

Try explaining the why.

When a person understands why you ask them to do things, it can be life lasting.

For example, I tell my kids, "if you hang around with kids who disrupt the classroom for attention, do drugs or Alcohol, or commit crimes like stealing or beating people up, soon, you will become like them."

If you try to scare them by saying that's dangerous, it usually backfires into a challenge statement where the kid wants to prove you wrong.

It's almost night and day.

I don't invoke fear into my kids. For example, when they want to climb trees etc, I tell them, go ahead.

Our neighbors do the fear invoking method.

So when I my neighbors, they lack confidence, doubt themselves and fear trying new things.

My daughter at age 3 was already roller skating down hills that made adults and kids look at her in amazement. I never told her it was dangerous. I just told her to look out for cars and people as sometimes, they're not observing their surroundings and don't notice you.

When my son finished his piano performance at a church at age 6, he'll run and leap off the stage, which is 3 feet from the ground that everyone sits.

He does it with extreme confidence knowing he will be fine.

The parents and kids would make an omg sound or make a loud inhaling sound. Some parents would say it's dangerous. My son would look at me for confirmation and I'd smile and laugh to let him know to ignore the noise.

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murphydcat@reddit

My son is moving out this week into his first apartment. He asked me for a recommended ISP and if I can help him move a table into his new place. Other than that, I have no idea what he is up to.

My parents kept me on a long leash and I mostly continued that with my son. I raised him to be independent and he appears to be doing just that. 😄

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Impressive-Show-1736@reddit

We were strict but fair. No smart ass responses or eye rolling were tolerated but conversations were absolutely encouraged! If they thought something was unfair or wanted to talk about ANYTHING, I always told them they could come to us and they did. They had curfews, jobs and no alcohol allowed until 21. It came down to respect and honesty in our house and was given and expected on both ends. My sons are now 31, 27 and 23 and are thankfully great guys whom we are very close w and see and talk to all the time.

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Zen_Hydra@reddit

My kids are teens now (both also neurodivergent), and are both "going through it" so to speak. They're the same people they've been charting towards since revealing their personalities to us, but so much more so. I vividly recall the extremity of emotional spikes when I hit that age, and figured I should expect some degree of that from them. Being an older parent really helps with perspective, but sucks for having the energy levels to keep up.

Personally dealing with cancer recently has further limited and colored my interactions with them, and I certainly weather the burden of those complications as best I can, but it sucks for them in ways that I accept I can't control. I do my best to take it all in stride.

Life has its upside and downs, and those keep things interesting. All any of us can do is to make the best decisions we are offered in the present moment based on the incomprehensibly complex web of circumstances which bring us to those points. Being a teenager is one of human life's most complex and uncomfortable circumstances, and I trust my kids to make out the other side as best they. I'll be here to offer unsolicited advice, tedious lectures, and sometimes amazing/awful meals based on historical recipes for as long I am able.

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Old-Introduction-337@reddit

Do one thing at a time. 1. Teach him to cook

teach him table manners
practice social skills

But one a t a time. IT is not too late.

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cosmoboy@reddit

Unfortunately I fell into the trap and have the same relationship with the kids that I did with my parents. Which is loving, but everyone at a distance for fear they'll need something emotional from me.

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Anonymo123@reddit

My son is 16.. Sr in HS next year and was just explaining why he shouldn't skip his shower today for his college prep class thing he is probably going to be late for and not to wear mismatched socks..

I was raised by an ex Army dad who screamed at everything and a docile mom who let it all happen without questioning it. I will say he instilled quite a solid work ethic, do shit right the 1st time and be a good person stuff.. but damn all the yelling didn't help. It was 100% "his way or the highway" and I feared him being angry until the day I was physically bigger then him.. around 14.

Diagnosed with ADHD a few years ago and my son def has it.. so I found being more "strict" with him isnt the way to go. Its figuring out how to guide him and be firm with boundaries. Its been a thing.. but I love nothing ore then being a dad.

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OhSassafrass@reddit

My parents were harsh and very very mean. I felt they over reacted on minor stuff, so I started hiding everything about my real life from them. I’m 50 now and still feel my parents don’t know the real me. I rarely visit and feel like I’m in a fake reality show when I spend time with them.

With my own kids I stressed telling me the truth, always. I’m always way madder if I find out after the fact. I tried hard not to over react because in the end, almost all of it was never big stuff.

Also, my youngest had this habit of wanting to chitchat at 10-11pm. He’d stand outside my bedroom door and just open up about his life and his struggles. I have a super physically demanding job and was often dead tired and really needed to be asleep at 9, but I knew those words needed hearing and I needed to be there for him.

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bondpaper@reddit

No kids but two step kids.

Daughter has made a mess of her life. Given some of the stunts she's pulled I have a hard time trying to be pleasant towards her. I'm told I fake it well.

Son is ok. He's influenced by the Joe Rogan types and has adopted this super confident attitude and has strong opinions on everything. I find it hard to talk with that personality type. The truth is he's incredibly insecure and this is just a front that will hopefully pass.

Relationship with them as they went through the teen years was ok. Their dad did everything he could to poison the relationships. I worked hard at being a good step dad and for the most part the bio dad's antics didn't gain much traction. Things would have been better had he just chilled out and realized I had no interest in replacing him.

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FLZooMom@reddit

I had my daughter when I was 18 and she’s now 36. I grew up in a house with a very strict dad and spent half my teens grounded and getting my ass beat. It goes without saying that I couldn’t talk to him about anything.

I swore I wouldn’t raise my daughter to fear me. I’ve never spanked her and I think she was grounded maybe twice. We talked about all kinds of things and she knew she could come to me with anything. She had the freedom to do what she wanted as long as she checked in periodically and while younger was home when the street lights came on.

I’m not saying she was a perfect kid; she made mistakes but I didn’t freak out and punish her for basically being a kid.

We’re now great friends and I live with her, her partner, and my 2.5 year old granddaughter.

I broke the cycle of abuse and she broke the cycle of having kids at 18 or 19.

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mtcrick@reddit

My kids are 28 and 30 now, so that part is done...

But while teen years were easy with the eldest, the 19-25 time period was excruciating. On the other hand, the late teen years with the youngest were excruciating, and when she hit like 22/23, got way easier.

I do think our kids need us to be there more when they are in their late teens and early 20's than we needed our parents, mainly because of the state of the economy. Wages haven't kept up with costs, that's for sure.

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Grilled_Cheese10@reddit

When my son hit ~16 I started questioning every parenting decision I had ever made and was pretty sure I'd screwed up on every turn.

That kid who had always been so pleasant, funny, enjoyable, and forthcoming had disappeared and been replaced with this often sullen, sometimes angry, and even secretive, jerk. I was suddenly stupid and didn't know how to do anything right. Thankfully, the pleasant kid did show his face occasionally, but it was often rough. I shed a LOT of tears.

He was on and off difficult until about age 23 when he became a normal, respectful, enjoyable person again.

My daughter was most difficult ~12-16.

I dunno where I'm going here. Just keep loving them and trying your best, I guess. Mine certainly had their stages where they made me feel like a complete failure as a human being and a parent.

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Nervous-Rooster7760@reddit

I will add my oldest is 25 and youngest is almost 22. It is a lot of fun having adult relationships with your kids so I highly recommend investing time now in building a foundation so they want to come back. My dad never bothered. To this day he is completely disinterested in a relationship with his kids. So bizarre but I have given up and it also means I owe him nothing just because he gets old and needs help. You are due anything from your kids simply because you had them.

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whistlepig4life@reddit

My kids are all adults now.

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tmmao@reddit

My adult kids like us parents, and enjoy spending time with us. They live 2500 miles away, but want us to visit all the time. Much better relationships than I had with my own parents.

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kermitsfrogbog@reddit

Not teens anymore, but both were/are really good kids.

I wasn't very strict with them. I was very open with them and involved them in discussions about life. There were no "because I said so" type answers. There was always a reason for my answers.

Both went through a lot of crap with their father and are now estranged from him. He is an alcoholic and his parenting style was some combination of strict, apathetic when it came to their interests and activities, and abusive. As my son puts it, at least he fed them.

They came out the other side ok. I hope. There is a lot of lingering emotional damage for sure. Despite that, neither got into any trouble as teens. We're close. They know I am safe. Daughter is working full time and trying to find a way to get her own place. She's 25 and makes decent money, but we're in a HCOL area, so it's tough. Son is going to be starting his senior year of college and is pretty ambitious. He's anxious to get working and move on to his next chapter.

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Firm_Accountant2219@reddit

Never too late. Our daughter was diagnosed with ADHD as a high school senior. Once we started to learn something about it, this changed our parenting style completely. It wasn’t always an easy adjustment, but things went a lot better for both her and for us. The changes did involve different expectations, conversations, discipline, and responsibilities for her. Things started to improve relatively quickly. Now she’s 23, and we have a pretty good relationship. On top of that she’s functioning pretty well as a young adult.

Bonus - , after realizing some of the less traditional symptoms of ADHD, I got diagnosed myself. And that has helped me as well.

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Candlemom@reddit

My son was a terror from 13 to about 22. He constantly was defying us and always breaking himself (yes I mean that). He was an athlete and dipped and drank a LOT. Even got electrocuted in a freak accident when he was 15. He’s a lovely human now and has apologized to me for his previous behavior several times. Add to that he has a wonderful wife. He’s now 26 and I’m so proud of who he is. Sometimes the journey is rough but it’s okay.

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CK1277@reddit

My kids are 14 and 19. I love them, but beyond that, I also like them. They’re people I would have been friends with if I’d known them in high school. The teen years aren’t without challenges, but they’ve been very manageable challenges because we’ve been laying the groundwork since they were infants.

In answer to your question, yes, it’s too late to start being strict. The job of adolescence is to separate from your parents. It’s not just developmentally normal, it’s developmentally necessary. Suddenly becoming strict with a child who is less than 3 years from adulthood is just going to push them to rebel more.

That doesn’t mean you have to continue to be a permissive parent, but you can’t pull a 180 degree change in your parenting style at this stage of the game. You can make modest changes.

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oldschool_potato@reddit

I wasn’t getting along with my son. The reality was, he was not acting the way I wanted him to. He was a good kid, I just wanted him to handle himself different in many situations. Mostly around toughness and aggression that he seem to lack. I’m not proud of it, but I’m being honest.

Anyway, after years of travel lacrosse and hockey we practically never talked on the long drives. My wife has been after me for years that I was the adult and I needed to make the effort. He was 16 at the time. It finally sunk in and one weekend instead of going straight home on Sunday I pulled into Saratoga springs (horse racing). I’d never actually been, but it looked fun. We had a blast. The next weekend we stopped at a gun range. I’ve also never shot a gun. Again, a blast. From that point on I simply started loving him for the kid he was and not the kid I wanted him to be. We’ve gotten along great since. He’s 22 now and just graduated from college. His school was 11 hours from the house and we did that drive a lot together. Now the kid never shuts up on our drives. I love it.

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Nervous-Rooster7760@reddit

I tried to ensure they had enough freedom so they could become functional adults but also have age appropriate boundaries. Mainly included curfew on when to be home or at a friends home. I did not want them roam around after certain hours as nothing good happens. For most part they made good decisions. While I didn’t not encourage drinking I made sure they knew between me and Uber they never needed to make a bad decision to drive if they did drink at a party as I was a teenager way back when.

My one hard line was drug use. I simply have no tolerance for it and told them it doesn’t led to good outcomes and won’t lead to you to life you want.

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small-gestures@reddit

Me - exactly the same.

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-Granby-@reddit

I think I am pretty lucky. My daughter is 14 and really gives us no problems. My biggest complaint is she is a bit lazy. I still have to tell her to do her laundry for example instead of her just doing it. That said when i tell her to do it she does it right away and does not give me any shit about it.

She get's good grades and causes no trouble in school. Her room is messier than I would prefer but nothing crazy. She is kind to people. She has empathy.

We are not strict at all but no reason to be. We never really censored her as far as what movies she can watch or what music she could listen to. We never censored our language around her. We cuss. She cusses around us bot nobody else. She is full on metal head. Septum pierced.

All in all a good kid. We have no behavior issues.

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ThrowRAboredinAZ77@reddit

My kids are 25 and 29. The teen years were rough, but they're cool to hang out with now.

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sbfb1@reddit

Adult kids are the fucking best.

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FirstNoel@reddit

The first one I was strict, she’s in college. Headstrong and gung-ho.

She’s good to go.

The youngest, is well special. Maybe because she’s the youngest, but she has som medical stuff to deal with. So she gets away with crap.

We thought the oldest was going to be trouble, growing up she was a terror. But she’s a good kid.

The youngest temperament was easy going. Now we reached 13 and she’s emo/trans/? Idk. But I love her, interesting and different.

But both are good kids, we’re staying out of drugs and alcohol so I’m hoping I can dodge that bullet.

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sbfb1@reddit

My kids are 30 and 22, Im 48, my wife is 49, so we are later Gen X, however my parents had me very late in life so, vs hers who had her very young. So our kids kind of got the best of both worlds and a lot of good cop bad cop, me being the bad cop( strict) but there was always love and respect and I would say we had a better than average teen experience. A little trouble, a little drinking all things I would expect from teen boys

Both turned out amazing, and as I told them both, I don’t get a fuck what you do in life, find something you enjoy, just don’t be a piece of shit. Both are engaged, one in the military and one bought a house 5 min away. If I died tomorrow I would feel good about how I raised them and our relationship.

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Big_Grapefruit_5708@reddit

Well, from the second they were born, I started to narrate life to my girls. I wanted them to understand our world. I was told shut up your kid. You have no opinions. As soon as my girl started to talk, I taught them that they have freedom to speak their minds and ask questions about anything in life. I demonstrated that what they thought mattered. Now, sometimes that fit me in the ass because they always had an opinion and we’re not afraid to voice it. As teen girls, they didn’t always do it with kindness, but that’s another lesson. I just kept pushing down their throats. Be kind. words matter. people matter. I have to say I experienced a minimum of stupid teen lying and stuff like that. They didn’t have to lie.

One of my kids, the older one sometimes she acts like a third parent or the younger one. The younger one she can be a little rude sometimes, but only to me. Both of my kids are amazing have great manners and on their way to being very successful due to their hard work and communication skills. I gave them the freedom to be who they are. I met them wherever they were. My father was an abusive narcissist who tried to mold me into what he wanted and made me feel like nothing I thought or said mattered. So I did the complete opposite and I don’t have a single regret. My two daughters just turned 18 and 22.

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kstweetersgirl2013@reddit

4 adult kids ranging from 18-28. 2 girls 2 boys and add in one son in law 29. We have decent relationships with all but one. We are a blended family with 2 kids coming from each side. The 18 year old has never resided with us and outside of sending cards and gifts for milestones and holidays we dont communicate. The others, including our son in law, are all fairly well rounded people and we get along well. The 23 year old boy (his) still lives in our home and theres some issues there. The younger girl (his) works two jobs and has for 3+ years since coming here after graduation. She is a good girl. He has a strained relationship with them both due to nasty divorce and Mom taking them 2k miles away until the support and welfare ran dry, then literally kicked them out. We have had some obstacles to overcome needless to say. The older girl and sil are mine and they do well. Struggle with infertility and thats a huge hardship at this time. Younger boy 18 also mine lack of relationship due also to nasty divorce and poor life choices on my end. I hope some day that changes. Son in law was disowned by his people for marrying below his tax bracket and we have an amazing relationship. There's nothing I could ask that he wouldnt help with. Just a genuinely good guy.

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acreekofsoap@reddit

I don’t know, I’m an old dad, may daughter is a pre-teen. So going through that, and my wife’s menopause is a world o’ fun!

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ajbadabing@reddit

Amen brother. There are a lot of us out there.

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Jayhawx2@reddit

Don’t hit, spank, or ground them. Being strict isn’t the way. Listen, empathize, and offer guidance when you can. I grew up in an incredibly angry house and now have one with almost none that is full of love. My kids have flourished because of it. Anger is a choice.

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quasifun@reddit

My kids are all different and require different approaches. One is super smart and doesn’t need many rules, one breaks the rules all the time, the youngest has adhd and a personality disorder and needs a lot of help.

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Fun_Interaction_9619@reddit

I have ADHD but wasn't diagnosed until I was in my 50s. My son is 18 and shows no signs of neurodivergence. When I wss diagnosed, I apologized for some things I did in the past that involved impulsivity and emotional dysregulation. I feel I have a much stronger emotional bond with my son than I ever had with my divorced parents (really had no bond with my father). I tell him regularly that I love him and he reciprocates.

What I learned most about being a parent and seeing other kids and parents is that all kids are different, and parenting styles need to adapt to the needs of the kid. If I ever tried to push my son to do something, he would shut down - not even push back. So I learned to trust my son to do the right things and lead from behind. He is an amazing kid, and I am so happy how he has turned out: very responsible and respectful and has great friends.

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ZweitenMal@reddit

“Strict” isn’t the word or the approach. The trick is to get them to make smarter choices on their own. When my kids (now 22 and 25) reached the age where they were old enough to know things I would talk through my thought processes for decisions in my own life. Like modeling responsible living. I was also the house where they could always go. Both had high school girlfriends with uncomfortable family lives, so they were always welcome at my place, no questions asked.

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antisocialoctopus@reddit

I was given a lot of freedom and responsibility and also loads of discipline in the form of being constantly belittled and hit. Why would I want to do that to my kid??

I have a great relationship with my ADHD kid. I’m strict about things that matter, aka skills he needs to master to be a responsible adult, and give him slack about other things. I let him make decisions even if they’re not great and while I hold him accountable, I’m also there to support him and help him learn from it.

I’m not at all feeling like I need to pass on the worst of my upbringing just bc I turned out alright. There’s a middle ground

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NothingTooEdgy@reddit

I have a 10 year old on the spectrum and a normal 13 year old. My wife gives them more freedom while I'm more into character building. We sort of balance each other, although it can be a struggle at times. We have, so far, have really good relationships with our kids. They are both smart and doing well in school. We joke around and have fun, but when it's time to get something done, it gets done.

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MinnNiceEnough@reddit

50yo dad with 14yo son here (and 52yo mom). Son and I are very close and we're very respectful of each other. I've never been overly strict and always give him the space he needs, but within reason - he knows to not cross the line with me. Meanwhile, mom is strict and tries to impose lots of rules and restrictions - I like to say that she focuses more on the things that he CANT do rather than the things he CAN do...and our son feels that way too. Their relationship is cordial with each other, but if he has the choice to hang out with mom vs dad, he's taking dad every time. This isn't new in his teenage years though - he has always been more attached to dad. Then again, I'm also the one that does things with him, as I rarely tell him no if he wants to go to a movie, a ball game, out for a round of golf, etc.

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TheRealCabbageJack@reddit

I was raised by a pair of people who, on one hand, didn't seem to remember he had kids, and on the other hand, didn't really want her kids (in another era, she'd have never married or had kids..."mom" wasn't a role she was built for), so I have taken great pains over the last 24 years to make sure my kids know how much I love them and enjoy their company. It probably means I was not very strict or disciplined, but I'd much rather have the relationship I have with my kids as they age into not needing me, but still wanting to be around me rather than the relationship my parents have with us kids, which is "oh, I guess I should call since its Mother's Day."

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TheGreyAlien@reddit (OP)

Thank you for sharing, I think most of us were raised "alone". But sometimes I feel we over do it by being too permissive.

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voidchungus@reddit

Instead of asking if it's too late to be more strict, I think a better approach is to focus on the desired outcome or what behaviors you're trying to modify/correct. Based on that goal, maybe "being more strict" would help, or maybe it wouldn't. Know what I mean?

In general, no, I don't think it's too late at 15 to make some changes.

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tc_cad@reddit

My 13 is neurodivergent. Really hates authority, always has. But they are very smart. So I have to let them make their own mistakes, within reason. This has resulted in probably them having the best possible group of friends yet still doing well in school. I am happy.

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TheGreyAlien@reddit (OP)

Mine too, and in a secret way it makes me feel the same way I was. He has a group of friends, they are supportive to each other. Seeing him socialize makes me proud.

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Sea_Measurement_1654@reddit

My teens loves me and I expected to be hated. I think gen X vibes well with gen z.

I think we're quietly ruling the world and nobody notices and thinks the mean old rich boomers are in charge.

Being underestimated was always Gen Xs superpower. Very capable and underestimated.

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trUth_b0mbs@reddit

we have a great close relationship with our teen.

but that didn't just happen overnight; it's been years in the making. We do have rules and consequences (which we always follow through) but we put in the work from when they were young so over the years, trust has been built between us.

I do raise her in a very similar way how I grew up minus the latch key part. I don't jump the second she needs help; she is to try and figure things out for herself first and if she is stumped, then we provide guidance but I never do anything for her that she can't do herself. Kids need to learn how to figure things out, fix their mistakes and be resourceful when they are faced with a problem.

she's had chores since she learned how to understand basic instruction and over the years has been given more age-appropriate chores because I want her to be self sufficient by the the university comes and she's on her own carving out her life.

there is discipline involved - cleaning up after yourself, not being rude/not giving attitude, making good choices. That's really all we ask of our teen and she's proven that she knows and does all of this.

so if your son is thriving in the way you're raising him, no need to change that. If situations do arise, approach it as a team instead of an authoritative figure. Your son has his own opinions, thoughts etc and although you may not agree with some of them, hear him out. Obviously certain things aren't up for negotiation but there are some things that can be discussed and a compromised reached.

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TheGreyAlien@reddit (OP)

Thank you for your response, I will do some tweaking on the responsibilities part. Thank you.

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Jane-The_Obscure@reddit

15-17 was rough with my kid but we have somewhat outstanding circumstances (her dad died when she was 12, and she really didn't deal with it).

Now we have the most amazing relationship (and it was still pretty good when she was being shitty). I love her as my kid and as a person, and I have grown by making intentional choices about how I am with her. She knows she can come to me with anything, and I have helped her understand that an emergency is not the same thing as the consequence of bad choices.

Both neurodivergents here, too, on the highly gifted spectrum

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AppropriateAmoeba406@reddit

My husband and I give our kids a lot of freedom, but we have expectations in return. (We are a blended family with 5 kids, currently ranging from 22 to 15)

They get a car, insurance, and gas money and when we need someone to drive for us they go without any back talk.

They are expected to get themselves to school, get good grades, log the appropriate volunteer hours for our state scholarships, and keep common areas in the house free of their personal items. Beyond that they are left to their own devices. They have reasonable curfews based on whether or not it’s a school night. We have never restricted screen time (probably should have for at least 2 or them, but here we are.)

The only ones who have had problems are the two (see: probably needed screen restrictions) who struggle with getting good grades. It’s extremely frustrating as a parent who is literally willing to do anything to help (tutoring, therapy, whatever) for a child to show such apathy about their own grades.

Otherwise we have great relationships with all of them.

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Fudloe@reddit

My kid's 16. I'm 58.

We have a very similar and close relationship as I did with my dad.

We hunt, fish, hike, camp, take random adventures, cook and bake, listen to music, play music, go to concerts- all manner of things we do together.

We do our own things, as well. He skates, I mountain bike. He has his friends, I have mine.

Pretty sure if I didn't have that kind of relationship with my Ol' man, I wouldn't have one with my kid.

Doesn't hurt that he's the coolest dude, ever.

I'm just grateful all the way around.

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Mysterious-Ruby@reddit

My children are 28 and 30. I liked the independence I was raised with, but I also have that protective mama bear instinct.

So I raised my children to do as much as they can by themselves. We had honest and hard discussions (something I didn't have growing up and still don't have with my parents today.). But I was still in the background in case I was needed.

Today they are independent women with jobs and their own lives. And they are my best friends.

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Ceorl_Lounge@reddit

Tired. Had to accept my eldest was not academically inclined and isn't much of one for helping around the house. We dialed up the consequences to the breaking point in high school all to no avail. So now that they have a proper career/job they're headed out of the house. Hopefully they'll learn to be a decent roommate, but they have some growing to do and I'm tired of trying to teach them.

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Present_Yak_6169@reddit

My daughter is 14 and we’re like 2 peas in a pod. Very smart and well behaved.