How do you deal with friendly users/coworkers dying?

Posted by RGB-128128128@reddit | sysadmin | View on Reddit | 33 comments

Emotionally, not logistically. The latter I have covered. The short of it is been in the industry for decades, but SMBs. Never really had to deal with users/coworkers passing. Now I'm at a huge corp, been here for a bit, and starting to see people pass. Today's the third. The second was especially painful, didn't even want to check in his laptop or close accounts in ad; had someone else do it... We were pretty friendly, worked on the same floor. Perhaps it's a matter of scale, with thousands of coworkers - hundreds you may semi-regularly interact with - and being an escalation point for helpdesk you make friends? Anyway, just feeling bummed out and wondering how my peers manage this aspect of the career.

Reply to Post

33 Comments

[-]

Miwwies@reddit

I had it happen a couple of times throughout my career. You think about your own life, what is worth fighting for and what isn't. In most cases, nobody is going to die if a server or service isn't backup with within the next 5 minutes. There is no project critical enough for you to get sick over. You deserve PTO and vacation, no matter what the company says. One thing stuck to me as a coworker passed away recently. He said he wish he had more time because his kids are too young and they haven't learned enough from him. I don't have kids but that one hit hard.

[-]

Ifuqaround@reddit

I was just watching something on television with my fam, something about Blue Zones on Netflix. Anyway, the journalist host guy goes on to mention some folktale story that in Italy or whatever they'd push their loved ones off a cliff once they were too old (and useless). He went on to say one guy secretly kept his old father alive in secret and because he did that he was able to gain wisdom from his father throughout the years. The wisdom enabled the son to fair better and prosper later in life compared to those that threw their elderly out.

[-]

STUNTPENlS@reddit

I just go to work and do my job. People die. Toughest thing I ever encountered was when a woman was due to give birth on a Monday, and her child died in-vitro on Sunday, necessitating a stillborn birth. Now, that really sucked.

[-]

Ifuqaround@reddit

Had another child not too long ago, came a bit earlier than we were expecting. Another baby in the NICU must have passed when we were visiting our son. It was one of the saddest moments I've experience in my life and I've lost quite a few people. A baby though, that's rough.

[-]

DumbshitOnTheRight@reddit

Fortunately, I can turn off empathy. Or I'm a sociopath, not sure which.

[-]

jasonheartsreddit@reddit

Sociopaths are anti-social and criminal. Do you commit violent crimes for funsies and emotionally abuse people? If not, congratulations, you're not a sociopath, you're just professional.

[-]

jasonheartsreddit@reddit

As a sysadmin, I know that at any moment it may be my job to shut down their access while they get marched into IT, or that I may have to turn them in to their bosses when they violate policy, or I may know something distasteful and privileged about them. As such, I never allow my emotions to follow me into the workplace. These are coworkers, nothing more. I smile and exchange friendly banter because it makes my job smooth, not because I like anyone. As a result, I also don't have to miss them when they're gone.

[-]

dogedude81@reddit

>These are coworkers, nothing more. I smile and exchange friendly banter because it makes my job smooth, not because I like anyone. >As a result, I also don't have to miss them when they're gone. Tad bit sociopathic

[-]

jasonheartsreddit@reddit

How do you figure?

[-]

dogedude81@reddit

Exactly..

[-]

jasonheartsreddit@reddit

Oh okay...

[-]

ChromaLife@reddit

Downvoted. You're a human being interacting with other human beings. You're not a biomechanical sack just performing work tasks. Don't let the oh prestigious title of Sys Admin downplay your humanity.

[-]

jasonheartsreddit@reddit

Downvoted. You’re there to do a job and your job as sysadmin requires you to maintain a professional distance. Administrators, by definition, work for the company’s interests. Friendship and emotion cloud your judgement and compromise your ability to do your job logically, fairly, and ethically. If you think you can mix emotion and sysadmin work, just wait until you’re face-to-face with someone who got fired for looking at bad websites at work as they stare you, tears streaming down their face, agonizing that, “I thought we were friends!” If you let emotion in, then someday, someone’s tears will move you to compromise your integrity and cover for them. Once that happens, it’s only a matter of time until you find yourself fired. Do not let your emotional needs take over your job. If that means feeling nothing when a coworker dies, so much the better.

[-]

FerretBusinessQueen@reddit

Wow. That’s a really different point of view from where I’m at. My coworker is going through some health stuff right now and I’m legit scared for them even know I’ve only worked there less than a year. Making a few friends at work has always been a blessing for me to get through the tough days.

[-]

jasonheartsreddit@reddit

If I were you I would put up a big firewall between you and those feelings. Nothing good will ever come from allowing yourself to be emotionally compromised in your job.

[-]

bluhat55@reddit

Reload? /s

[-]

theKtechex@reddit

Had my right hand man who doubled as my best pal on the job pass away over night and near the major holidays no less. Left his stuff alone till after the new year and did our best to move on. It wasn't easy, and still isn't when I see past tickets with his name on it.

[-]

LivingTheRealWorld@reddit

I lost a very close colleague to unexpected death about 15 years ago. I just try to carry on like we did when he was there, and I tell all the newbies his best stories. Keeping those memories and laughs alive. The newer guys will often ask me to tell them more about Aaron’s escapades. He was a trip, and had a life well lived. He was 30 years older than me, but we had a great bond immediately. A few years after I started, he gave me power of attorney over some of his affairs in case of his incapacitation or death. I think he knew something wasn’t right, and he just needed someone he could trust. He was a really good dude.

[-]

FerretBusinessQueen@reddit

I’ve had a good cry over clients that have passed that I’ve been fond of, and talked to coworkers when able. Sometimes we’d have seen two totally different people in the same person, but I’m very affable. I’ve gone to the funeral of one. It’s mourning like anything else and for me- being very customer service oriented while being pretty deep in the backend- I don’t regret honoring the people I’ve known and liked who have passed. Also therapy helps with all of this mess of a world.

[-]

rdoloto@reddit

Seek counseling grieving is normal and should not bee stigmatized

[-]

Dish@reddit

At my previous company we had a user who was very friendly with the IT Dept. Unfortunately he passed away in a car accident. Our manager came in one day and informed the entire IT Dept and there were a lot of the typical responses you would expect. Then one of our Help Desk guys deadpans "Does this mean I can close his tickets?" Some people chuckled, others were horrified, but we all deal with it a different way! Some things will always weigh on you, but I think it's important to work through it in your own personal way! Good luck and make sure to take care of yourselves!

[-]

tossme68@reddit

shit happens and it's unfortunate. I've lost several good friends over the last 20 years. One day they are on a con call telling jokes and two weeks later their Linkin status changes to "retired" and they are 40. Six months later they are gone or you get an odd phone call from your buddies wife on a Wednesday morning and they are just gone. I don't know if it's the stress of the job but way too many of my co-workers have died too young. I miss them and I'm hoping not to join them anytime soon.

[-]

Away-Astronomer-4292@reddit

Nothing is quite as unsettling as watching the machine keep going after someone passes. Use this as a reminder to prioritize yourself and those around you over the company you work for, which will keep chugging along without a care the moment you bite the dust

[-]

floppydisks2@reddit

Mourn move on. Talk with coworkers. I worked in education for a while and people there are usually "lifers". It was pretty common that after a person retired, we would get an email that they had passed. Sad but that's part of life. It'll happen to everyone.

[-]

Zenkin@reddit

Dealing with grief is weird. And difficult. You're going to get a lot of responses here which basically amount to "opting out" of feeling these things, and **oh boy**, if you think dealing with technical debt blows, just wait until you've got yourself a nice little mountain of emotional debt. So get yourself comfortable. Find a place where you'll have privacy. Take a few deep breaths. Then just kinda.... think about them. Cherish a few moments where they made you smile. Where they wasted at least thirty minutes of your time. Where they brought in baked goods. Deep breaths. The last time you saw them at a holiday party or company lunch. Try to focus on the positives as well as you can. How you were fortunate to know them, and them to know you. Aim for "grateful," I guess. Deep breaths. Take the time to do that two or three times. Maybe more. Doesn't need to be done in a week, or even a month. You'll probably cry a little less each time. Eventually you should be able to think about them without the grief. Or with a manageable amount. It does get better.

[-]

repooc21@reddit

![gif](giphy|GJVpbMjfT2Ftm)

[-]

ElectricalCrew5931@reddit

Say "Oh no" and go about my day.

[-]

Crow-Caw@reddit

Bury it deep down right next to the tumor.

[-]

67percentdeeznutz@reddit

I dont talk to any of them for more than the time they need help so basically. Sucks but it is life move on. No one will really care when you die except people close to you anyways. Human life is meaningless to begin with so just do whatever you can to make other people happy aswell as yourself.

[-]

NoLongerGage@reddit

Have been through quite a few. For various reasons. Some hit harder than others. One guy ate in the break room on same floor as me so i saw him nearly daily.

[-]

AgainandBack@reddit

It’s tough to deal with, especially if you make it a point to be on good terms with your users. All you can do is be sorry they’re gone, be glad you knew them, and speak well of them. I’ve had three coworkers die, completely by surprise, in the last five years. My company has a very nice policy that when an employee dies, we will go through their laptops, looking for personal or family pics or files that the family might want; we write this off to a USB drive and give it to the family. This search process can be very hard. One of my peer managers, with whom I had worked very closely for years, killed himself a few years back. In going through things on his machine, I found his suicide note on his desktop. That was terrible. As a practice, if someone’s getting overly bothered by doing these searches, we have them take a break of a few days, or find another volunteer to do the work.

[-]

Ifuqaround@reddit

Ponder my own death and then go about my day as usual.

[-]

19610taw3@reddit

I guess it depends on how close I am with the user, but I have gone to calling hours before for coworkers who have passed away.