I want to leave my home and get away somehow, how do I do it? 17M
Posted by chrino5@reddit | AskUK | View on Reddit | 77 comments
[removed]
Posted by chrino5@reddit | AskUK | View on Reddit | 77 comments
[removed]
badatm4ths@reddit
You can get a job with accomodation. Scotland hotels and YHA have jobs with accom. Butlins? Other places like that
Taodaching@reddit
I'm a mum to an autistic kid around your age so this is really sad to read. I want you to know that you sound very intelligent and you communicate very well. So that's a solid basis for a future in education or employment. When you are able, later, ahead, I mean. When you're ready. And you will be.
Right now you have a roof over you so please try to continue to take time to look at your options. Because the fear is, you move out without stability and then bounce from this to that problematic or even potentially dangerous scenario.
I suggest you make your plan like a roadmap: 3, 6, 9 and 12 months. Set goals for each of those stages.
For example: I'll take 3 months to find local health solutions for both my ADHD AND therapy for anxiety. Week 1 & 2: see my GP, Google or chat gpt (etc) lists of - health services. - youth services /rights - anxiety organisations - mindfulness apps Weeks 4 - 8: reach out to them, try them out and see if they're helpful. Weeks 9 - 12 make myself show up to appointments ive arranged ' and keep trying to keep a routine up on the apps (or whatever im using).
Months 3 - 6: clean my room. Clean my body. Spend 1-2 hours a week one on one with a sibling. Getting into a routine is important. Especially if you have adhd. More important is having a safe and personal space. It might take you 2 weeks to move your stuff into organised piles. Keep going. 1 bit leads to another bit. Like that saying: how do you eat an elephant? One bite ar a time.
Listen, its not easy to live at home at your age. In spite of your past trauma and MH conditions, you will naturally WANT independence. That's healthy and expected. But if you can give yourself a plan, with short, medium and long term goals - (and rewards too!) you'll be in a much better place to move out, and up, ahead.
Months 6 - 9 could be planning to take up your education again. There are lots of courses online and remote learning is offered by universities and colleges. If you can make contact with youth advisory services, taking time to learn about what's out there with decent disability & learning support - while getting help and support in place for your mental wellbeing - you will see a Lot of options ipening up for you.
But listen child dear, It is absolutely fundamentally important that you look after your health. Always put this first. Not to cure - but to manage. To live With. Because you eill have to learn to live with. But did you know the CEO of the Red Cross had extreme social anxiety? Their story is Uhmazing. There is life with disabilities. Good lives.
I've written a lot here. But its something to think about.
Solutions sometimes take planning. That means stages, steps, and time.
But on that, time, please, know you're so so so so so so so young. I ran away at 16, was homeless, came home and went overseas again at 17, worked in factories until 23, came home and picked up my education, worked on that while working full time and got my degree at 28. Travelled to USA, got married, had my daughter, came home, built a career and got my masters degree - at 40. Started several busimesses, some went ok, most failed, 2 survived.
So, when I say tou have time - I mean, you have time. You don't need to work it all out. But trust me, don't do what I did. I ran "from". I want you to not run from, but to run "towards". Because it'll be worth it in the long term.
But. If you can't stay at home anymore - wherever you go, do the plan anyway, and, start small. Life is all about incremental steps, not quantum leaps. God bless you. And your mum too, in apite of her issues, she's still mum. 🩵
chrino5@reddit (OP)
Thank you this was very pleasant to read, I'll try all of this
PennyBunPudding@reddit
The sensible thing to do is get a job, save like mad and then leave when you've got enough and a suitable income to keep up with rents (probably a house share).
University is an easier way to get out quicky as long as you actually want to do that.Â
Otherwise, I'd contact your council and see if there's any help.
chrino5@reddit (OP)
I tried a job a few months ago after people told me i should just do it and it didnt work, my anxiety takes me to a point where i cant really be around other people without throwing up in the closest bathroom or straight up leaving because id end up crying. Weakness on my end but ive tried and cant do much on my own
fwendy123@reddit
I know it hurts to hear but you have to keep working on this. force yourself to meet people and talk to them, volunteer, do whatever you possibly can even when it makes you shake and throw up. you've got to keep doing it, it's the only way it will ever get easier
Ghosts_and_Empties@reddit
I'm not sure that never holding down a job is a viable plan. You need to get your mental health under control. What daily practices ( meditation, exercise, diet, talk therapy) are you using now to get better?
chrino5@reddit (OP)
I excersise alot, lifting and walking are both my favourite things to do. Ive tried managing my mental health for years but im incredibly emotional and people have said im depressed so it ends up being a huge cycle. Ive tried the "just do it" route and it lasted a little while before i broke down
Rich-Peak-3902@reddit
The question was *how* are you managing your mental health? What are you actually constructively doing to improve it? The "just do it" method isn't actually helping yourself, it's just repressing the problem until you can't anymore. If that's the only thing you've been doing, you need to try other methods that actually work on managing the issues.
chrino5@reddit (OP)
Its not the only thing ive been recommended quite alot as i had these people that help with my mental health a few years back, none of it really worked too well. Sorry for misunderstanding
Rich-Peak-3902@reddit
I'll preface this by saying I'm trying to be helpful, not argumentative, bu you still aren't telling us *what* you've been doing to manage your mental health.
We need to know what you're doing so we can direct you to what you should or shouldn't be doing in addition/as replacement.
chrino5@reddit (OP)
I'm reliant on coping mechanisms most of the time, games and scrolling. What I've been trying to do is go on walks in the local park to help with being near people and to keep up with my health in general, I do try meditation in my garden too for about 5 minutes a day, just closing my eyes and breathing.
Rich-Peak-3902@reddit
Walks and meditation are great for treating the symptoms, so building on those you should try to work on treating the causes. Obviously your best step is professional help, but whilst waiting for that you can do several things on your own: cognitive behavioural therapy can be done on your own with free resources online, also journaling your thoughts and feelings would also be useful so you have something to refer to when piecing together patterns of behaviour. Essentially, the best thing you can do on your own is anything that helps your meta-cognition; thinking about how and why you think the way you do, learning to step back from your thoughts and try so see what's causing them and then how to promote the good ones whilst discouraging the bad ones.
But really, get yourself some professional help; there's only so much you can do on your own.
Lego-105@reddit
Yeah man I don't think it's viable to live on your own. Things can and will get worse by leaving your current situation. I'm not sure if you expect there to be a way for you to undiagnosed leave home and just be able to get by on your own when you're already struggling with support such as having food and housing covered, but there isn't.
You need to go to the doctors. If you have mental health issues stemming from a disability, it'll be viable to try to find a way forward that works for you. You'll also have support available to you in the form of housing etc.
PennyBunPudding@reddit
Ignore my original post. Go and speak to a GP.
No-Garbage9500@reddit
You need to see a doctor. No amount of stuff you read on the internet is going to help you if you can't physically be around other people.
No other advice here is going to work unless you have your mental health under control and your otherwise stated "coping mechanisms" of phone scrolling and gaming are symptoms of how bad things are.
See a doctor, please.
You can't change anything about your life until you change yourself.
TlmaoT@reddit
Sounds like you’ve been mothered to death by a mentally ill mom who becomes toxic because of it, not gonna sugar coat it probably one of the hardest cycles to break but you’ll come out of it unbreakable
Bright-War-5033@reddit
Yep, sounds like. I was there, didn't realise until much older and an adult.
lewisw1992@reddit
Having anxiety is not a weakness.
chrino5@reddit (OP)
Apologies i didnt mean it in a way where everyone who has such anxiety is weak, i mean from my personal experience
Bright-War-5033@reddit
Was in the same position as you, eldest with more kids the the house could accommodate, single parent (mother) and a drunk absentee selfish father.
Get yourself a job, and move out. It will feel bad leaving your siblings in that mess, but you have to look after number one.
I notice you called your grandad "your mother's dad", were you not close?
chrino5@reddit (OP)
That was just my wording my apologies, i loved him but he died when i was 9 and didnt know him too well. He was the last genuinely caring person in my family really
Bright-War-5033@reddit
I grew up without my grandparents, I love my grandfather (fathers dad) but family stopped us being in contact
chrino5@reddit (OP)
Losing someone in any sense is a tragedy, I'm glad you love him either way
Bright-War-5033@reddit
Anyway enough about me, I'm grown up now with my own family. Despite all of the set backs and shitty start I've done reasonably OK. Although it doesn't seem like it you will most likely be ok, because you've witnessed first hand the result of failure and shitty decisions.
There was a recommendation to leave home and travel around the world on cruise ships. This might be a good way for you to get out of your predicament, see the world and earn a fair wedge.
chrino5@reddit (OP)
Id have to get past my anxiety first, it gets really bad but that did sound pretty good. No idea how that would work but still
Bright-War-5033@reddit
Small steps. You need to understand the root cause of your anxiety. It's likely your mother was like mine, either incredibly passive in despair, or hyper alert and very angry/irritable. Stop blaming yourself for other people mistakes, and break that cycle. It's the only way you will ever be free.
PabloMarmite@reddit
Social services is absolutely the way forward. People have a misconception that social care is about taking kids away, and that’s not true. They signpost support and can provide your mother with parenting help.
Unless you have money or an income moving out is going to be very difficult, especially without social care help.
chrino5@reddit (OP)
Thank you, I mentioned calling them to my mother last year and she's very insistent on it not happening. I dealt with social workers a few years back and she would do anything and lie about things being great just to get rid of them and I went with it as I was too young to really know better
Better-Albatross-708@reddit
Save as much as you can, you can ring the council too and explain your living situations and they can sometimes offer you a flat.
Morganx27@reddit
Get yourself on a right to choose ADHD waiting list (look at the ADHD UK website for more info). Get down to citizens advice, look if you can get on the social housing waiting list the second you turn 18. Get into some proper mental health services. Sounds to me like ADHD possibly runs in your family.
It feels overwhelming right now, and to be honest, it is gonna be rough for a bit. But you need to be willing to put the work in to get yourself and your siblings the help they need.
Lynvor@reddit
Have you considered a military job.
PennyBunPudding@reddit
That's a good option as long as you actually want to be in the armyÂ
Lynvor@reddit
From what I've heard about people I know joining, they all just wanted to get out asap.
PennyBunPudding@reddit
That's fine, but he should at least check that's a sacrifice he is willing to take. You can't just back out one you're in.
Additional-Guard-211@reddit
First of all, I’m sorry you’re dealing with all of this. Reading your post, it sounds like you’ve been carrying a huge amount of responsibility for a long time, especially looking after your younger siblings while also trying to cope with your own difficulties.
What you’ve described isn’t just about a messy house. Living in a home with bad smells, animals not being cared for properly, conflict, and feeling unable to use most of the house can have a real impact on your wellbeing. The fact that you’re worried about your younger siblings shows how much you care about them.
It’s also worth saying that what you describe about struggling to start tasks, getting distracted, feeling overwhelmed by cleaning, and finding things take much longer than they seem to for other people could be consistent with ADHD. Nobody online can diagnose you, but it may be worth speaking to your GP about both ADHD and your mental health. Social anxiety, low mood, stress, and ADHD can sometimes overlap, so getting professional support could help you understand what’s going on.
I know you’ve said people previously suggested social services and that worries you. Social care is not automatically about removing children from families. Often their first aim is to support families to make things better and safer. From what you’ve written, there are concerns about the home environment and your own wellbeing, so speaking to a trusted professional could be worthwhile. That could be a GP, a teacher or college tutor if you have one, a youth worker, or social care directly.
You wouldn’t be “ruining” your siblings’ lives by asking for help. If anything, asking for help because you’re worried about them is something many caring older siblings do.
Most importantly, please don’t keep carrying all of this alone. You deserve support too, not just your brothers and sisters. Hope it gets better for you.
chrino5@reddit (OP)
I wouldnt really know where to start with the social services stuff, i had social workers and support workers or whatever they may be called years back and all they did was try push me into school while not actually doing anything for me. Made me feel pretty hopeless and i still am but im just worried of the same thing happening again and its just a dead end
Additional-Guard-211@reddit
I can understand why you’d be reluctant if that’s been your experience. Not everyone has a positive experience with social workers or other services, and if you felt they were only focused on getting you back into school while missing everything else that was going on, I can see why you’d come away feeling hopeless.
That said, the situation you’re describing now sounds quite different. You’re nearly 18, you’re worried about your own future, you’re worried about your siblings, and you’re struggling with your mental health and possibly ADHD. Those are all things that deserve attention in their own right.
If you do decide to speak to social care or another professional, I’d try to be as clear as possible about what support you think you need. For example, are you looking for help with the home environment, support for your mum, help for your siblings, an ADHD assessment, mental health support, advice about education or work, or help planning for adulthood? The more specific you can be, the easier it is for people to understand what you’re actually asking for.
I also think it’s worth asking yourself what the alternative is. From your post, it sounds like you’re considering leaving home with no clear plan because things have become so difficult. Even if support services aren’t perfect, exploring those options is probably safer and easier than trying to deal with all of this completely on your own.
You don’t have to trust social services immediately, and you don’t have to agree with everything they say. But getting advice and finding out what support might be available doesn’t commit you to anything, and it may open doors that you don’t know exist right now.
chrino5@reddit (OP)
Ill try talking to social care, im bad with calls so ill figure out a way to text or email
Additional-Guard-211@reddit
That sounds like a good step.
If phone calls are difficult for you, ask whether you can contact them by email instead or whether they have an online referral form- many LAs are moving over to online form now. Lots of people find it easier to explain things in writing than on the spot over the phone.
One thing that might help is making a list before you contact them. It doesn’t have to be perfect. Just write down:
You don’t need to tell your whole life story in one go. Just focus on the main things that are making life difficult right now.
I’d also try not to think of it as “getting your mum in trouble”. From what you’ve written, it sounds like your mum is struggling as well. If services become involved, the aim is often to understand what support everyone in the family needs, not just to focus on what is going wrong.
Most importantly, be honest. If you’re worried about the condition of the house, say so. If you’re worried about your siblings, say so. If you think you may have ADHD, mention that too. The clearer picture they have, the better chance they have of pointing you towards the right support.
And if writing this post took a lot of effort, you’ve already done the hardest part: you’ve told someone what’s been going on.
chrino5@reddit (OP)
Thank you
Additional-Guard-211@reddit
No worries
Liverpool_Stu@reddit
At 17 I'm afraid your options are extremely limited. You are not old enough to hold a tenancy or sign legal documents. Even at 18, unless you have a really well paid job. Options: Do you have aunts, uncles or other extended family who could help you? Could they go to social services and explain how much your mum is struggling? Social services will not just go in and remove you and your siblings. The priority is always to keep the family together unless there is risk. They will support your mum with getting the health care she needs and support all of you. The other person to speak to is your doctor. Unless one of you is at risk they must by law treat whatever you talk about confidentially.
chrino5@reddit (OP)
Nobody believes anything bad i say about my mother when it comes to my family, the only ones who wouldve are now dead. I tried with my uncle and instead of helping he just told my mother and i got into a huge amount of trouble
Vickyinredditland@reddit
You and your siblings need help, so contacting social services is the best idea. I don't know how severe the situation is, but if everybody is being fed, bathed and given medical treatment and you say there's no physical abuse then it's likely that social services would just be looking to assist your mum to get things in order.
If you are really against that, then do you have any other family you can speak to? Is grandma still around? Or does your mum have any siblings?
chrino5@reddit (OP)
My mother spent the last few years painting me out as a lazy and horrible person to my family so only my uncle really talks to me but i tried asking him for help and he just told my mother which ended up making things worse.
Everyone is being fed, my siblings are being bathed often but nowhere near the normal amount because my mother is too "lazy" to get them to do it.
My mother is verbally abusive and rarely ever gets physical
fingertipnipples@reddit
Your mother is ruining your siblings lives right now. If you care about them, get them help.
DECKTHEBALLZ@reddit
16 and 17 year olds can put themselves into care and stay with a foster family until you are 21 you get help with housing and education until you are 25.
chrino5@reddit (OP)
Ill look into this thank you, is there anywhere i should be looking specifically?
Adorable_Click_7071@reddit
It’s trickier now that we’ve left the EU, when I was 18 I packed up and moved to Mallorca. I worked there for a year as an au pair (basically a live in nanny) it was tough but so, so rewarding.
I’m not suggesting you leave the country lol. But if you’d be up for that, I’d recommend it. Having a job secured and accommodation included means you don’t need to be spending months saving before you can go. You do need to wait until you’re 18 though.
Plenty_Suspect_3446@reddit
Pick up the slack and clean the house for the sake of your siblings. You want them to grow up in filth and face the predicament you are in? Tidying bedrooms isn't enough. Then find a way to talk to your mother. If you cant talk to your mother and keep a house clean what chance do you have with holding down a job and living in a houseshare? Spoiler alert you arent ready for that and it doesn't sound like unversity is an option. And if you think the house is bad just wait till you are couch surfing and sleeping in shop doorways. Tidy the house and talk to her, try to help. If that fails you join the army.
Future-Exercise-7433@reddit
Ah, so you struggle with empathy. Understood. You can go now.
crizzosasap@reddit
What a bullshit comment!
Sea-Match-4689@reddit
You have a child trust fund, if you weren't aware. It'll be a small boost of cash when you're 18 that you could use towards moving out
im_not_funny12@reddit
Only if your parent has paid in?
DameKumquat@reddit
At 17 they'd have had ÂŁ250 paid in by the Government, possibly another ÂŁ250 if their parents were low earners in 2008.
It stopped around 2010.
But it's unlikely OP's family topped it up any further.
Future-Exercise-7433@reddit
It's probably the deposit on a room in a shared house. If OP can get a job and save enough for first month's rent that could be a potential first step out
Sea-Match-4689@reddit
Not correct, the government added a small amount which may have grown. It won't be much, but it's something for someone who may not have any money whatsoever
Alyssa9876@reddit
The original child trust funds had an amount paid in by the Government anyway so should be around 1k even if parents didn’t add anything else.
Cakeo@reddit
I can't tell if you're referencing Derry girls or not due to the topic
WastelandOfConfusion@reddit
I know you want to leave, but don’t abandon your siblings. That will become a very large lifelong regret. Get yourself assessed for ADHD asap, there might also be some CPTSD from your description. Start drafting a plan for the house, one room at a time, make checklists.
morriganscorvids@reddit
please do NOT join the army, it'll not help with the adhd stuff at all and give you a ton of other much horrible conditions.
first, go to your GP and ask them to refer you for an ADHD diagnosis
Then, go to Citizens Advice to consult about your situation, that you want to move out of the house, but dont have a job yet, what do they advise?
And then keep looking for jobs. Take anything and save up. You can try college again, and an apprenticeship route in the trades can be great. Ask for accessibility and neurodivergence support at your college (you don't need to be formally diagnosed) and a support worker/counselling as well.
deleted_by_reddit@reddit
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snarkmaiden5@reddit
Sorry to hear you are struggling.
This is very similar to me. Home life was very similar to what you described but it had been constant since i was very young. I hit breaking point around 19 or 20 and went for a wonder around Wales a few months. I did have to go back after I ran out of money and options though, so try not to burn any bridges incase you have to go back for a bit.
This is a sort of warning to get things in place before you leave really. Find a job, to be honest even a minimum wage job will get you out and talking g to people. Have a look at cost of rent and try and save a deposit. You are 17. Its not much longer then you can legally live alone. Also see if any mates are interested in a house share, or becoming roommates in a flat etc. Make plans, the fact that you have a way out eventually will make it easier to cope short term.
If its really that bad and your mum is struggling to keep your siblings in a safe environment it may be worth seeking help. Maybe talk to your gp about your concerns for her mental health?
AlmaVale@reddit
Social services is there to help, it’s not about ruining anyone’s lives. Go to your GP ask for a referral to Early Help/ Social Care. The aim of the service is not to remove children from their homes or punish the parents but rather to offer practical support. You need external help, even if the service is not perfect, that’s your best option right now.
Louis_lousta@reddit
This resonates with me, I'm undiagnosed ADHD, I left home at 18 because I had to get out of my hometown as I was caught up in some bad stuff. I'm sorry you are having a hard time, this time of your life should be the most fun. I want you to know it gets better, I'm now 34, happily married to my best friend who's also ADHD.
I spent my twenties working live-in jobs at pubs and hotels, it can be exploitative but I was lucky to work for some amazing people who became almost foster parents for me. You get a room, usually get fed too. Most will hire you with no experience if you show a decent attitude and willingness to work hard. Don't worry about being a messy person, if you're anything like me as soon as you're being paid to clean and make beds you find it easy to crack on.
Anyway if you ever want to chat hit me up. I can help with writing a CV or cover letter if you wanted to try applying for some jobs.
PARFT@reddit
army
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mingebinj@reddit
Your room is your responsibility mate. You're gunna struggle having your own place if you can't keep on top of your own room.
Are you diagnosed for ADHD? Are you medicated? If so, you defo need to bring this up. If not, getting medicated will help you alot.
You're at a greater chance of suffering from depression and I'm no profesional but this really sounds like you are depressed. You seem like you're in a rut and because you're not moving forwards you feel like your moving backwards.
Worok on yourself first before leaving or you'll find yourself in a awful situation.
There are methods for managing ADHD which a doctor will be able to provide resources on.
Feel free to DM me and I'll give you some stuff I was given when diagnosed.
AgonisingAunt@reddit
Lots of jobs include accommodation, I joined the army to get the hell away from my hoarder mum who made me raise my younger siblings but given the current state of the world that might be a bad shout. My friend got a job on cruise ships and got to see the world a bit that way.
djfnejdijRandom@reddit
Can the Kings Trust help? They are a charity specialising in helping young people back into education and into jobs.
letsgetevil66@reddit
Because you live at home you won’t have to pay rent or if you do it won’t be high so get a job and save save save , you can do it ! Or get a job such as the army where you can leave home straight away. If you get a job you could help your mum out and split some cost of getting a cleaner so you can make all of your living environment more pleasant for all of you. I wish you all the best 🙏
super_sammie@reddit
Do you have a job? What are your plans?
To go it on your own you need a source of income.
You seem troubled and that’s not good and mum seems like she is probably struggling too.
Where is your family, support etc?
Essentially what you are asking is how can I escape this and the answer is probably hard work and going it alone? You have a roof over your head so the council likely won’t step in.
I’d suggest maybe trying to improve things at home but I clearly can’t see the whole picture. If you are worried about your siblings it’s probably a time to contact social services.
IntermediateFolder@reddit
The simplest way would probably be to get a job now, start saving up and then once you’re 18 you can rent a room and move out. At 17 you can go to a GP by yourself and get tests and treatment for ADHD or any other issues you might have. I have no experience with social services in UK so can’t help with that but potentially they could maybe get your mother into treatment?
GlitchingGecko@reddit
Joining a branch of the military seems like your best bet at this point.
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