Who is the one who keeps contact with loved ones across generations in your family?
Posted by _szs@reddit | GenX | View on Reddit | 80 comments
edit: is this a "whatever" post?
I am wondering whether this is a Gen X thing or just my family. In my family, me and my brother are the ones who call dad, each other and in my case, children. Not that much the other way around.
My kids are in their 20s, so they have exciting lives, and I understand that calling dad is not on the top of the list. We get along great, though, and when we talk (I call them, or chats) we talk for hours sometimes.
My dad says he doesn't want to interrupt my day, so he doesn't call. But sometimes, between the lines, complains that I don't call more often.
How does that work in other Gen X's families?
puffpuffprotest@reddit
I’m an only child and rarely speak to my mom. No other family.
SheriffBartholomew@reddit
Nobody. :(
Reader47b@reddit
My parents are dead. My young 20-something kids live with me, so I talk to them almost daily. Some days I don't see them - our schedules don't cross in common rooms, but I talk to them almost daily. I initiate 90% of contact with my brother, and he initiates 10%. I text my aunt on holidays (I initiate). I have one cousin I keep in touch with, where exchanges are about 50/50 on who initiates contact.
Punky2125@reddit
I called my Mom everyday after I moved states away. Then I got my Dad a cell phone on my plan and then he would call me everyday because he could call me for free. (Back in the day cell phone plans.) They are both gone now as well as a brother and sister. I really only talk to one of my sisters on a regular basis. The other sister we can go years without talking. My one remaining brother...I will be happy to pee on his grave when that asshole dies.
Individual-Fail4709@reddit
I am the communicator. My brother doesn't care. My dad is the only close relative we have left. We have some 2nd cousins who are awesome and I keep in contact for me and my dad.
tc_cad@reddit
Me! I randomly ran into my great Uncle while coming home on vacation. Stopped to get gas and ice cream and as we ate our ice cream I noticed an old man that looked a lot like my grandpa. Anyways, his phone had broke and he lost all his contacts. I have been able to get him reconnected to the larger family. This is where I also learned who to talk with in my Dad’s generation. So my Aunt, and two of my Dad’s cousins are key contacts in the larger family and I talk with all them frequently. I talk with all my cousins, aunts and uncles, great aunts and uncles, and a few of my Dad’s cousins, and a few of my second cousins. Lots of people.
_szs@reddit (OP)
indeed, lots of people :D
in contrast, my whole family fits around a kitchen table....
tc_cad@reddit
My Mom’s side was incredibly small, lots of single children in the tree. We always brought her entire three generations of her family with us to my Dad’s side gatherings because it was just 4 extra people.
Little-Armadillo732@reddit
So, it’s actually my dad. Not me or my brother. Which, I’m surprised about. Both my brother and I are in our 40s. We’ve had very different lives from our parents, and that makes it hard to connect consistently (even though I live in the same neighborhood as my folks). For me, it feels like I’m so far away from who my parents were at my age, and it makes me ashamed. I’ve also had a massive life change (2 layoffs in 13 months), and so it’s hard for them to connect with me as well. Like, what do you tell your kid? “Baby, I’m so proud you were a Director, but now you’re old so I hope you like the help desk?” They’re not going to say that, but they also can’t fix this.
But my dad…he wants to have 1:1 monthly breakfasts. And I cannot describe how much I love this. I get to connect. It’s low pressure. When I feel brave enough to talk about work (or lack of it) and what the back 9 of my life looks like, he’s just there. Sometimes he has something to contribute that would help me. But mostly he’s just there. That’s my most favorite connection at this point in my life: that quiet moment when my parents step back in and guide me. Through silence or words, it’s still parenting. And I’m grateful.
zigalicious@reddit
Great question! No one in my family takes that responsibility despite the grand parents (my wife's and my own parents) complaining we don't call much. They never call. And they hate texting.
SaltyBlackBroad@reddit
I went NC with my siblings 20 years ago. I still talk to a couple of my nieces but we randomly text each other. That's about as far as it goes, but there's no obligation or resentment either way.
BuckyRainbowCat@reddit
if anyone is still doing that in my extended family, it's not with anyone in my branch
Educational_Bid_5315@reddit
This was one of my brothers before he died from glioblastoma. Once he got sick, we all got insight into the other siblings and how they handles things. Our family is broken and I only stay in contact with those that aren’t disappointing
purpleReRe@reddit
It was me. For many years. But I was younger. I’m an old Gen X middle child. But dad died, then mom died, then sister died. I don’t talk to brother anymore since he’s in a cult. I still have 2 sisters. No one lives near anyone.
notguiltybrewing@reddit
No one anymore. I think my sister is in contact with more than me, but knowing her, not by much.
IndependentTrust4594@reddit
Hubs and I both have two older siblings about the same ages and opposite gender of us.
In both sides—Middle brother and middle SIL are the ones who link the rest of us and extended family together. Husband and I are both youngest and just do whatever they tell us. We’ll have the party at our house or call the restaurant and organize it, but only after the middle siblings make explicitly suggestions.
Oldest on both sides only do what they have to do.
PahzTakesPhotos@reddit
My parents died (Mom in 2011, Dad in 2013). I'm in regular contact with my kids (in their 30s). I have one grandgoblin that I see on a regular basis.
Before my parents passed away, it was pretty equal. We lived close by, we saw them regularly, called each other, not one-sided.
_szs@reddit (OP)
sounds ideal
colojason@reddit
When they were alive I was always the one to call my parents.
I’m also the one who has to initiate every conversation with my 27 year old.
It’s honestly annoying all the way around. I once went 6 months without calling my dad to see if he’d ever call and the answer was no. But it did tell me everything I needed to know.
S1159P@reddit
I always am the one to call my parents. Always.
Princess_Jade1974@reddit
My sister (boomer) is that person, she’s recently started tracking down sone of dad’s family who live on the other side of the country.
Zesty-B230F@reddit
I'm pretty sure I was the only grandkid making a consistent effort to call all the grandparents.
LuceLeakey@reddit
I have seven siblings. Most of us don't talk to most of the others. My eldest sister and I email and text regularly, and she's the one who always sends birthday and holiday cards and gifts to me and to one of our brothers and his family (both his kid and grandkids.) She's like that with her friends and their kids too - always giving gifts and keeping up on their lives. I think she's the only one, though. She's boomer age (70) and our parents have been gone for more than a decade.
itsamermaidslife@reddit
I hope people are keeping up with her and showing her she's loved too.
LuceLeakey@reddit
I think me and that one brother are the only ones who talk to her.
PlasticPalm@reddit
Always been my dad. With his parents and now with my generation and the next (cousins, nieces/nephews, etc).
Someone's going to have to step up and I don't expect it to be me.
Charming-Insurance@reddit
Im the one that does all the family events to bring everyone together. They all talk and text amongst themselves but I do the in person gatherings. I just had 3 generations here’s this weekend, 2 of them sleeping over the weekend. Next is 4th of July for 4 generations to come over. I’m the only person who talks to everyone (others have beef), and so my house is the “family” house and almost everyone has lived here at one time or another.
_szs@reddit (OP)
They are lucky to have you!
SuperannuatedAuntie@reddit
I used to call my sister “Sticks” because she had skinny legs. Now I call her Sticks because she is the family glue.
Good_With_Tools@reddit
This is the sweetest thing I've seen on Reddit today. Tell your sister that I think she's awesome.
_szs@reddit (OP)
from me, too!
snapper1971@reddit
I used to be the one who kept in contact, made the effort to call, made the effort to visit. Then I was ill for a few months. No-one bothered to call or visit. I didn't resume the effort and, honestly, I'm happier for it.
Repulsive_Regular_39@reddit
Same as you.
dirtybo0ts@reddit
My mom was. She passed over a decade ago and honestly barely anyone keeps in touch anymore. She was the family glue.
_szs@reddit (OP)
When my mom got sick and subsequently passed 5 years ago, it brought the family, specially my brother and I closer together. I guess we felt that we are the responsible adults now. The final (?) step of growitup somehow.
dirtybo0ts@reddit
It became apparent what was happening when my father passed 10 years after mom and none of my mom’s side of the family made the drive for the funeral. Or the memorial that was on a different date.
Anyhoo…that’s life. My only sibling lives half way around the world from me now and we were never super close (he’s a bit of a narcissist that left home early and barely helped with caretaking of sick parents). Meanwhile, I married into a large family who spends a lot of time together so I still have it good. I adore my wife’s family.
_szs@reddit (OP)
Families are complex and weird. And from second hand experience (partner's family) it's best to keep a safe distance to narcissistic, or otherwise toxic family members. Or any such individuals for that matter.
dirtybo0ts@reddit
Yup. And boy did I luck out with my in-laws!
whateverhappensnext@reddit
Three siblings one parent still kicking. Two siblings live in the same location as the parent, one lives overseas. We don't proactively call, but we know if one of us needs something the others will respond as quick as they can. Getting together every year falls to the overseas sibling as the others see each other all the time.
KookyComfortable6709@reddit
My son has taken over keeping our family informed. He regularly reached out to all of us. In my birth family, no one is in charge.
TwoBitFish@reddit
My cousin keeps everyone connected. It’s pretty awesome. We are spread out throughout the US, but he makes sure we’re all in the know.
Elegant-Error-8010@reddit
Live with and take care of my parents, so dont have to contact them. But, for my sister my mom usually will call her. And my uncle on my mom's side will call us and her him equally I'd say. As far as the rest of my mom's side, it's mainly over Facebook. And we pretty much have no contact with dad's side. It used to be my Grandmother on my mom's side that held the family together, when she passed my aunt kinda took over for years. Until she passed a couple of years ago, and since then we've all kinda drifted apart. Unfortunately only see extended family for the bad stuff now.
SquirrelBowl@reddit
There’s no one left. I just get to remind mom with dementia everything that happened the last 20-30 years.
Carmella-Soprano@reddit
I’m sorry you’re having to deal with that.
_szs@reddit (OP)
My mom had dementia for a couple of years before she passed, and I feel you. Hang in there!
koi785@reddit
My nephew is the family gossip. He keeps tabs on absolutely everyone. Therefore, I don’t have to talk to anyone except him which is lovely.
Limp_Dragonfly3868@reddit
I’m the same way. My mom feels I don’t call enough but seldom calls me. She also complains about my kids not calling, and I’ve encouraged her to text them because they will text back. She’s so worried about interrupting everyone and I’ve tried to explain that’s the beauty of texting!
One of my kids is far away. She really only reaches out when she’s sad, so both her father and I initiate contact.
I’ve given up on 2 of my nieces. I’m done with trying to be nice to them, sending them cards and gift cards, etc. They can’t be bothered to acknowledge anything, so evidently it’s not important to them.
_szs@reddit (OP)
Yeah, I don't really get the "I don't want to burdon you/the grandkids with a message" trope! My teenage stepdaughter moved to live with her dad to a different country recently and I don't care if I "interrupt" her other activities :D We are somewhat close and if I see something that reminds me of her or just want to say "goodnight, love you" I will. Sometimes she just reacts with an emoji the next day, sometimes we chat for a while. Why would anyone not do this if theres an interest in the other person?
yournewhotstepmom@reddit
When my Mom was alive, it was always her. I got my call every morning at 8:30. Now that she’s passed…. We don’t keep in contact. Some people are literally the glue keeping us together.
OlderAndTired@reddit
Only daughter. GenX. Cruise director. Driver of all communications and coordinating events.
gumby_twain@reddit
We don’t. Or at least I don’t.
I haven’t spoken to my mom in a few years. I just send her a merry Christmas, happy Mother’s Day text, and that’s it. Same for my brothers and sister.
I come from a large extended family. I have one cousin that lives nearby, I see and talk to him every few months. Other than that I haven’t seen or spoken to any of my aunts and uncles in 5 years since an uncle’s funeral.
I actually skipped my cousin’s funeral last summer. It was on the same day as my daughter’s first day of middle school so it was an easy choice. I almost felt bad, like there’s a social obligation to show up for funerals.
One of my younger cousins is getting married at the end of the month. Somehow I got invited. I’m going to make an appearance, but I am mentally prepared to just leave as soon as it gets weird.
Anyhow, probably more info than you were looking for, I just figured I’d post the accidentally-because no contact with my entire family story anyway.
_szs@reddit (OP)
Thanks for sharing, it's interesting to read everyone's story! I didn't expect this many reactions....
Cjeannie1972@reddit
Me unless my bother is drunk then he plans reunion then.
Acceptable_Mirror235@reddit
My mom calls me more than I call her but I do call her. We talk 3 or 4 times a week. My dad and I relay messages through her . He doesn’t like to talk on the phone. They live about 200 miles away . I try to go see them once a month or so .
My kids don’t call their grandparents and don’t see them more than a few times a year. I know my parents want to hear from them more but I can’t do anything about it.
_szs@reddit (OP)
Same with my children and my dad, not sure how much contact they have with grandad on mom's side. It's weird because I visited my parents with my children many times, but then they didn't continue to bond somehow. At some point I just said, that's not my responsibility, everyone is an adult now.
Shopworn_Soul@reddit
My parents. They go out of their way to gather everyone from every generation as often as possible, to the point of moving where the most family lives and buying homes specifically made with gatherings in mind.
My fiancee and I are struggling with taking on that mantle as they age, but neither of us really has that bone. We both recognize how valuable it has been for fostering the feeling of real connection throughout our lives but man...it's so much work. I don't know how they do it.
PufferFishInTheFryer@reddit
It was my uncle. Sadly, he passed away last year. It was devastating. Don’t know if the contact will continue like it did.
RoyalPuzzleheaded259@reddit
There’s nobody left of my family except for me and my older sister and we haven’t spoken in over a decade. She couldn’t be bothered to even say congratulations when my son was born, hasn’t had anything to do with him, has never got him a birthday or Christmas card, never called once, nothing. Fuck her she can rot.
_szs@reddit (OP)
Understandable. Sometimes we have to look for family outside of our family, I guess.
Tyezilla@reddit
It was my mom. She was the glue besides my grandmother that held the family together. After they passed, we are all fractured family wise.
jeffnorris@reddit
No parents anymore and my sister and I text daily
_szs@reddit (OP)
That's good. I have a friend who I know since before I remember (we were neighbours when we were toddlers), who I call sister. We don't talk daily, but often, and life is infinitely better because of her.
Angry_GorillaBS@reddit
I call my dad whenever. Occasionally he'll call me. We don't talk often.
My oldest kids largely ignore me, can't force a relationship if they don't want one. They were turned against me by their mother and now ironically they treat her the same way.
My younger kids are still in school and I see them regularly, no reason to call.
My brother and I text very rarely.
No one else to worry about. A couple aunts, one that I see basically once a year at Christmas and one that I don't care to see ever.
Old_Goat_Ninja@reddit
No one does this. Most my people are gone now, my dad and my siblings have all passed away. Just me and my step mom now. She’s been my step mom since I was 8 and she’s awesome. She’s mom, but technically she’s step mom. Bio mom died many years ago. Anyways, it’s just me and her now. Sometimes I see her all the time, sometimes not very often. She lives right down the street and goes for a morning walk every morning and her walk takes her right past my house. Just coincidence, I used to live on the other side of town and she always walked past this place, long before I ever moved in. Sometimes I catch her in the morning and sometimes I don’t.
_szs@reddit (OP)
I guess thisnis superfluous advice, but try to catch her as often as you can and walk with her. For obvious reasons.
linniex@reddit
My mom NEVER calls and pretends to not know how to text either. But she can and does. She only calls when something is wrong so I’m kinda trained to freak out when I see her number pop up. I havent reached out to my brothers and sisters in about 2 years and as such havent heard from them since I was the one trying to keep us all together for a long time.
platypusandpibble@reddit
My part of my Dad’s family is very small - just me, Dad, and sister. I see my Dad once a week. My sister lives out of the country, so we will periodically email, but that’s it. (Estranged from Mother.)
I do have cousins, etc but I haven’t spoken to any of them in over 20 years. No specific reason really, we just have nothing in common.
Outrageous_Act585@reddit
Guess it was my grandfather. He had the big house everyone either lived in or had lived in. Since he passed, everyone had to get out and get their own houses. I don’t speak to anyone on that side of the family anymore anyway. They showed their colors after he had passed.
North-Neat-7977@reddit
Nobody does this in my family. I have zero contact with my family since the pandemic and even before that I only spoke to one sister maybe a few times a year. This really clobbered me when she died of COVID, leaving me with no family that I actually know anymore.
Coming from a big family, people expect you to be close, but we're all so fucked up that we're not. We'd have nothing to talk about except trauma.
And we're also the folks who don't talk about the elephant in the room, ever really. So there's nothing left to talk about.
I'm really fortunate I have really good friends, or I'd be alone 24/7.
_szs@reddit (OP)
Sorry about your most important family member passing :(
In my case it's a small family, no uncles or aunts, so I guess I did the same as you and got really good friends. They are basically the extended family.
AUCE05@reddit
Every family need a "glue" person or they fall apart.
_szs@reddit (OP)
As another commenter put it, that's me (also my brother) but I'm not good at it.... So there's that.
Winter-eyed@reddit
Used to be my mom, now is my dad
beckybooboo1978@reddit
I call my mom every Sunday to chat and have breakfast with my dad weekly. I am the one that does the reaching out.
RevToy@reddit
I had a schedule on my way home from work where I’d call my grandpa on Monday, baby sis on Tuesday, mom on Wednesday, and shift between my three older siblings on Thursday. Fridays I’d maybe call a friend or two, but for the most part just zoned out to music. My Pop used to call at all random times, and I’d usually try to take the call no matter what. He passed in 2012 and miss those calls dearly. It’s why I always answer when mom calls now.
I don’t talk to my brother any longer, and my older sisters and I go through spurts where we’ll talk like once a week and then not talk for months on end. I still prefer to talk over text with people.
Laura_in_Philly@reddit
Not me, I am pretty terrible at kinkeeping. But I don't sweat it. The phone works both ways and I try to be as responsive as possible when folks reach out.
Fuzzteam7@reddit
My brother used to call my dad every Sunday. After he died my brother started calling my dad’s brother every Sunday. I rarely speak to either of them.
sixfootnine@reddit
123 Not it
bulldogsm@reddit
my wife, she is regularly touching base upwards, downwards, sideways
shes the glue for both my side and her side
its really impressive
Ok-Toe3535@reddit
It’s mostly me & I am not great at it. The best I can do is the weekly ‘hey, miss you. Everything ok?’ texts for my parents & the annual happy bday text to my brother (never reciprocated). My family aren’t big on the keeping track of each other.