Anyone moved your parents or in laws in?
Posted by linniex@reddit | GenX | View on Reddit | 241 comments
Moving my(55F) mom (74F) into an ADU (accessory dwelling unit) into our yard in the next month or so. Im curious what other GenX’rs are doing with their parents and how it’s working out for them and you and your spouses or partners after having made the move. Any words of wisdom?
She will have her own house and car.
Further info: My husband (69m) is retired, and I work from home. To be honest, I’m really looking forward to having my mom here despite some concerns. Of course, we will have a discussion of boundaries the first few days (and have already breached the subject with all parties involved). I’m just curious how it has gone for any of you that took in your mom/dad or in-laws.
Anyone got any experience that they can offer? Any tips/tricks/traps I should be on the lookout for? Thank you VERY MUCH this has been so stressful.
bak_scoobin@reddit
I moved my mother into our home. She has her bedroom, en-suite with direct access to the deck. It is good. Maybe not always easy. First and foremost it is rough to understand when she needs help and when she wants to do it herself. We’ve had our fair share of disagreements also. I think the best thing I learned is to ask what she needs and then just be ok and if it does not align with what I think she needs. She is totally in control of her mind, no dementia, so she at least deserves that. Getting older is hard. My husband is in flappable so he’s just rolled with it. I appreciate that more than he knows.
lcdaze@reddit
I just wish my parents were still here, I would for sure take care of them. Wishing you the best!
Yours_Trulee69@reddit
I am with you there. My parents have been gone for 25 and 12 years. When my mom got sick, I did not hesitate to bring her into my home as needed to care for her. She also lived next door so when she was able, she went home and I checked in daily. I see all these posts about aging parents and just feel a void within.
tinykingdomtarot@reddit
We are converting our garage into a nice one bedroom apartment for my folks (83 & 84) in anticipation of their needing it. So far they are doing great -- totally active and independent -- but we want to be prepared. The apartment will give all of us space while being able to help with doctor's appointments, etc.
CMJ_one@reddit
We (55/62) built a house on family property right next to my parents (77/79) as we both work from home. My parents have always been the “cool parents” so we’re very lucky. It’s been overall great. Lot easier to deal with medical stuff in person and also just help them stay active in garden etc. i feel so much better being able to help keep them off ladders, lifting heavy stuff. Yes to boundaries, but also have a regular get-together if possible so they know they are going to get focused time with you — we try to do Friday happy hour. We also occasionally have them over for “movie night” to watch the classics like JAWS or Star Wars on the big screen. Cherish this time with all its ups and downs, time is moving very fast now.
Super-Meringue-8490@reddit
This was always my dream, for as far back as I can remember. Sadly, my parents have passed away, and none of us kids had the right home for it, but I love to hear this and know that it’s possible for some people. Also nice to hear that it’s working and you appreciate all that this arrangement can offer for everyone.
Maleficent_Gur5924@reddit
Yes. We're making plans to move to Mexico where assisted living is more affordable than the $14000 a month in our county.
Conscious_Life_8032@reddit
I think best option is to have them nearby but not in your home , everyone gets some peace and space but support is nearby . Kids can get time with parents and grandparents w/o feeling like they have to fight for attention
Especially if dementia is involved no need to expose young kids to potential erratic behaviors etc
OldLadyReacts@reddit
Nah, my parents have way more money than me so I'll probably be moving into either of their basements if it comes to that. Although, my grandma lived to 88 by herself in her home with my dad and aunt checking up on her every few days so hopefully it turns out like that.
Own-Slide4146@reddit
Shoot ,I still have all my kids living with me. Youngest is 23 oldest is 31and I'm 50 😆 🤣 😂.
thinktwiceitsalright@reddit
😳😭 if it ain’t joyful, it’s gotta go🙏 Big words I got a few here myself ha ha ha
Own-Slide4146@reddit
its joyful ,don't see them most of the time. I built our loft into a bedroom
UnkleClarke@reddit
Damn! Get them out! That’s insane.
GalianoGirl@reddit
Have you looked at the cost of living? One bedroom rentals are around $2000
UnkleClarke@reddit
In some areas yes. But in those areas wages are also very high.
GalianoGirl@reddit
Obviously you do not live in a high cost of living area. Wages do not keep up with housing costs.
UnkleClarke@reddit
Probably mid cost. 2 beds are like $1,600-$2,500. Median household income around $80,000
DiscombobulatedAsk47@reddit
I'm sure your kids call or visit regularly 🙄
UnkleClarke@reddit
Mine are 9&7 yes. I am teaching them proper finance and how to be successful and take care of themselves.
They both have brokerage accounts and get to decide which companies they invest in with their allowance.
I have no doubt they will be successfully on their own in their 20’s
peppermentpattie@reddit
So you haven't experienced empty nest yet. I kinda don't want my daughter to leave when she's in her 20s either.
UnkleClarke@reddit
I love my little pest but can’t wait to have my life back. I am going to to tech then to fly and send them off into the world. Plan to buy each one a duplex to get them started.
Own-Slide4146@reddit
ya ,I live in socal
CSILalaAnn@reddit
My middle sister moved in with our mother many years ago. Mom is widowed, sister was essentially single with no kids. Sister passed away last August at 55. Mom, now 80, has moved in with my oldest sister (58). Both sisters were in nursing for some time. I have a 15 year old at home and my oldest sister's kids are all grown.
Pristine_Giraffe7941@reddit
My parents are both gone but I've made it very clear to my husband that his parents will not live with us or even in an ADU. Mother in law is overbearing and father in law is cantankerous. My sanity is more important.
DelawareRunner@reddit
Don’t blame you. Lived with my husband’s father who was mentally ill and also had dementia. He tried to run off, call the cops, call the fire department, threaten to kill the neighbors, tried to destroy the house…it was awful. Eight months of hell.
writergeek@reddit
Can confirm, this parent combo plus both with dementia, has been the most horrible, destructive thing to happen to me physically and emotionally. Now dad just passed and mom is in the house instead of the ADU and even though it’s only one person to care for, it’s somehow even worse.
Pristine_Giraffe7941@reddit
When my mom was still alive, she lived in a small assisted living and it worked well. She had some dementia and the staff took great care of her. It was still a lot for us as children but it took a lot of pressure off of us.
apatheticpurple@reddit
It’s a dealbreaker for me too
theseaword923@reddit
My FIL (84) is staying with us temporarily while his house is being fixed up to put on the market, and as a trial run to see if we could this permanently. So far so good. He’s our only remaining parent. He’s super chill and respectful, and if I tell him I need alone time (total introvert here!) he just turns on the TV and is all good. Now if it had been my MIL (she died 10 years ago) I wouldn’t even be trying it temporarily 😂
DelawareRunner@reddit
We moved into my husband’s father’s house a couple months after his wife passed. We sold our home. He had severe mental health issues all his life and then dementia the last six years of his life. It was a nightmare. My husband wound up very ill due to battling an illness when we first moved in and then it manifested into something horrific. I was not doing well either. We lived with him for eight months—zero help.
It’s been three years since he passed and things are better now with my husband. It was horribly stressful on our marriage though.
PersonalBadger7448@reddit
my dad keeps saying he’s gonna move in with me, and he’s even let me take some things i wanted from his house. he’s been fixing his place up to sell, but at the same time it’s been like 5 years since he started planning this…so we’ll see.
holliwood98@reddit
Yep. 5 yrs ago she stayed with us during the 2021 snopocolyps in Texas and never left. Now, we just built her an apartment in my shop in the backyard so we can have our house back.
4whateverwecando@reddit
Mom thought she should always be with us instead of spending time in her renovated suite of rooms. Always, not maybe 2/3 time. It was difficult
linniex@reddit (OP)
This is exactly what I’m worried about. She has already said how excited she will be to be able to cook for people again - and meanwhile my husband is so picky I just know its going to be a problem
4whateverwecando@reddit
That’s what happened to us ….
ElectronicSalt7568@reddit
My husband is driving 500 miles this week to pick up his Dad to come live with us. He doesn’t drive and seems to have some memory problems. He’s also a little unsteady. Wish us luck!
linniex@reddit (OP)
Good luck!!! It’s so stressful inviting someone else into our home, even if she is family! I hope you make out great and it’s better than you hoped it would be.
Kemosaby_Kdaffi@reddit
My mom just moved in with my brother and I in January. It’s probably better for her health. I can nag her to not drink 4 gallons of Mt Dew if she wants to sleep well
guder@reddit
We moved my in-laws in with us as it was better than never really having my wife at home as she'd commute to help when her father got bad off.
All in all it went okay, and after he passed she moved back to their old house for a short period... before we invited her to move back in with us again. There was some hiccups and the "its her house too" got brought up but over all with both of us working it was nice to come home to dinner ready and the wife was happy. But the stress of two strong women was a bit much and she moved out but still close to all of us.
We are talking about an ADU in backyard for down the road but explaining cost differences was tough and shocking to her.
master_begroom@reddit
If I told you about taking my divorced in-laws in to our house, you’d tell me I must have been crazy and I’d be horribly stressed out just talking about it. It was awful for several years.
GrookeyFan_16@reddit
My parents have passed. My in-laws are starting down that path where we need to plan for next steps. Honestly I don’t think I could live with either. My kids are still at home (teens) and they deserve a peaceful, loving, and accepting household. Grandparents are not sending out that vibe.
I could be okay with the in-laws moving into an apartment down the street where we could visit regularly without disrupting the kids.
deadgirl63@reddit
Moved my dad in after my mom died. We tried to get them to move in before but she refused and he spent 9 years being her sole caregiver. It has been a great experience for all of us. My husband get another male in the house, my father gets to spend time with his grandchildren and great grandchildren now. Now to get him to travel with us
New_Part91@reddit
You get extra points wanting Dad to travel with you. My adult kids would not dream of including me, even if we are going to the same family event.
Luv2Dnc@reddit
We did it the other way around: moved in with my mom. My husband (of 1 yr) was living with his mom to help after his dad died, and I was living here to help my dad with dementia and then stayed after he died (mom was over 90 and didn’t want to be on her own). My mom’s place is big so even though it’s just one floor we each get our own living room. Still finding our way around each other.
International-Okra79@reddit
No, because my kids still live at home, and my yard is too small for anything like that. My parents are gone, and my in-laws live down the street from us. Someone is usually over there to visit or help do some cleaning almost daily. They have told us when the time comes, they will sell their home and move into a senior living cottage where they have staff 24/7. That actually is fine by me. They are great people but I don't see eye to eye with them on a lot of things.
rosesforthemonsters@reddit
I am only speaking from my own experience with moving my father into my house.
It was a collosal failure.
It went well for about two years. When it went bad, it happened suddenly and it was horrendous.
My father was not acting like a complete asshole when he moved in with us. We were getting along very well.
It's for this reason only that I advise people not to get themselves into this situation with moving their aging parents into their home.
Your situation may never go bad. It would be terrific if it worked out perfectly well for you. And I hope it does work out.
But, on the flip side, just know that things like my situation do happen. My father made my family's lives a living hell for 2+ years until I was able to get him out of my house.
linniex@reddit (OP)
Can you provide a bit more detail? What went wrong? How was he being an asshole? Where did he go when it was done? Thank you so much for your comment.
rosesforthemonsters@reddit
You can read my story here \~ I'm pretty much an open book with my experiences. Feel free to ask me anything.
Elegant_Gain9090@reddit
Sudden change in behavior? Talk to his doctor!
rosesforthemonsters@reddit
He passed away in 2021.
MehX73@reddit
Same with us. I actually moved myself and my kids in with her after my dad died. She made our life miserable. We ended up moving out and living about 20 minutes away. Would not recommend.
a_sheila@reddit
Same happened to us with husband's father. You think you know a person and find you don't know them at all. Father-in-law is a complete and utter pathological liar who enjoys inflicting misery everywhere he goes. Praise the baby jeebus I never see that man again.
Independent-Dark-955@reddit
My house would be ill -suited for it. All bedrooms are upstairs and the staircase is on the steep side. I don’t think my parents would even consider. They are on 10 acres, and their property requires a lot of work. They have 3 gardeners which is a huge expense, but they won’t hear of moving.
Plenty-Run-9575@reddit
My friend is currently doing this with her mom. But her mom is a) easy to get along with and b) is having some health issues and lives 2 hours away, so this is also to soothe my friend’s anxiety. I think it really depends on the situation and if the parent respects boundaries. The most important thing for my friend was to make sure her mom would still maintain her independence with an ADU, own car, a pet, etc. (as opposed to living with them in the home.)
London242@reddit
The success of this arrangement completely depends on the people and the setup of the house.
My in-laws live with me and we have a mother-daughter setup with two distinct living areas. Works great.
prairiescary@reddit
My parents moved into my basement suite 15 years ago. We discussed privacy and other boundaries. It’s been so much easier than I thought it would be and I don’t regret it one bit.
Altruistic-Quit1710@reddit
We built an ADU on my mom and stepdad’s property and moved into a few months ago. It’s been great. It was important for us to have some open conversations about expectations because both my spouse and my stepdad can get a little prickly, but once it became clear that stepdad welcomed us and did not expect us to do yard work (we’d never do it to his standards) or anything except keep the exterior decent, we felt relieved. They even let spouse put a pool table in the new family room they converted from the old garage!
No_Alarm_3993@reddit
I was luckily able to maneuver around this particular issue. My parents are in their mid 80s. Our oldest child is her early 20s and in med school. When my mom's dementia got to the point where she needed help with things like " Go put some pants on Grandma " and my father's mobility got worse she didn't renew her rent and moved in with them. I still visit frequently ( they live about 6 blocks away), but it's a lot less worrying for me. My daughter gets to live there rent free and they get to have someone who truly understands their medical issues. I no longer live in fear of what the next phone call will be. My dad has already stated that provided she stays with them for at least 2 years (on a good day he'll say 5) then her name will be added to the deed. I still have poa, but don't have to worry so much about the small things.
( I know most people will say my mom should be in assisted living, or memory care. Her mom spent almost 7 years in a nursing home, going truly insane by the end. She has sworn that she won't live in "one of those places ".)
LaineyValley@reddit
That's a kind gesture by your dad regarding the house, but given his age I would ask to get that in writing.
No_Alarm_3993@reddit
Yeah, it's kind of a moot point anyway. If he gets too far gone or something happens to him, I have durable poa for my mom. I also have poa fir my dad, but its only for medical. It would make my life easier in the aftermath of what will eventually happen, but mainly from a paperwork perspective. I'd love for my daughter to get the house, and she will, one way or the other. If she's on the deed it just bypasses the estate issues.. it also prevents my brother from trying to take their stuff to sell it. (He's already told them that he only wants the financial value of their belongings, some of which have been in the family for multiple generations. )
So long story short... she'll get the house, but its easier for all concerned if she's on the deed.
cOntempLACitY@reddit
It’s likely be better tax wise to have a transfer on death deed or leave it specifically to her in the will, so your daughter gets a stepped-up cost basis for the home. Definitely should have it spelled out in your parents’ wills.
No_Alarm_3993@reddit
Providing her name is on the deed it'll bypass the will and estate completely. Yes, the tax difference is appealing too, but mainly it provides her financial security as well as avoiding haggling with my brother..
psiprez@reddit
I tried to. Bought a large bi-level with a ground floor bedroom, largefamily room kitchenette, and accessible bathroom, and nonsteps specifically for this. We lived upstairs, and only used downstairs for storage, in anticipation of this.
Well, they ended up never moving on, because my brother got married and started having kids, and my mom insisted on being near them to offer help, the way she did for my family. I get that, but evwn after my mom passed, my dad refused to move in. The closest I got was having him on my home for a week on hospice before he passed.
Quadruplem@reddit
I am sorry for the loss of your parents.
At least you have a place without stairs if you need it for yourselves.
deleted_by_reddit@reddit
[removed]
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Breaking this rule may result in bans, either temporary or permanent.
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Also, this politics ban was put before the sub over a year ago, and members have spoken.
Pretend_Passenger586@reddit
I just moved my 71yo mom in with me. We are still adjusting. She is still mostly independent and can drive but she struggles with stairs and her bathroom was upstairs at her house. She also can’t afford to live on her own since my step dad died in 2020 and she lost his SS income. She still has her own SS but it wasn’t enough and that was the entirety of her retirement money. We were always poor when I was growing up so she never could manage to save. My step dad lost his pension in the 90’s when his company closed. She managed a retail store until she became disabled from it 20 years ago. So zero savings and lots of chronic pain. I was going broke trying to help her stay afloat financially while still raising my two youngest kids. So after a scary ER visit that happened because she was trying to work in order to make enough money to live, I suggested she just move in to save us both money and to prevent her from getting worse physically. Long story short about her house. Two of my grown kids, one of their partners, and my disabled brother (on SSI) will be roommates at her house to cover the mortgage and give them all a place they can afford to live because they have the same problem she does. None of them can afford to live alone. This economy sucks. I make decent money but I’m the only one making decent money and it’s not enough to provide help to everyone. I have a pile of debt to show for it. So hopefully this helps all of us financially and gives her a chance to take her final years a bit easier.
linniex@reddit (OP)
Yup!! Same here, stepdad and little brother are gone now and mom’s SS is only $600 a month or something pitiful like that. When stepdad died I had a huge yardsale and got her enough funds to stay for another year but it’s been a year and it’s time to move. They never got married so she can’t claim spousal benefits.
cOntempLACitY@reddit
Just curious, but if she didn’t remarry, was she previously married to your father for 10+ years? There’s a divorced spousal benefit that may boost her income. If he qualified for benefits, she may qualify to claim a benefit that’s the greater of her individual benefit or 50% of her ex’s full benefit (and it doesn’t affect his benefit, nor notify him). Depends on a few variables, like an adjustment due to age she first claimed, if not full retirement age. Worth applying for if eligible.
linniex@reddit (OP)
She DID get a bump from her (estranged) husbands SS; which was ironic since she hadn’t talked to him in 50 years. She wasnt married to my dad. Thanks though!
Careful_Tomorrow_653@reddit
She should be able to get your stepdad's social security amount instead, if it's more, she should get his full amount if she's 71.
linniex@reddit (OP)
They never married
Pretend_Passenger586@reddit
My mom’s SS benefit is more than my step dads was by $20. So the issue was having her household income cut in half when he died.
sunnypurplepetunia@reddit
But it’s still less than 2 people getting SS
Careful_Tomorrow_653@reddit
Right but if he earned significantly more it could make a difference
ivegotafastcar@reddit
We moved the in-laws to an end of life facility - they were beyond the move in with us stage. I am so thankful we did this. I could have never been able to assist them.
My parents have the perfect rest in place house. I plan on talking to them about putting in a walk in shower so they don’t have to worry about stepping over the bath. The grandkids are right there and run over when needed. I am planning on moving them into the same place my in-laws are in when the time comes.
Elegant-Error-8010@reddit
I did the opposite. Single with no kids here. Had been renting overpriced apartments for about 20 years. About 12 years ago I moved back home out of necessity. Was supposed to be until I got back on my feet. But, they liked having me home so much, I just never moved back out. Don't pay "rent" persay, but do help with the bills and stuff. And do most of the more physical house work, like lawn mowing, etc. I don't mind it really. It does suck sometimes not to have the space I was used to, but they leave me be for the most part. They don't get into my business and I stay out of theirs unless we bring it up.
21stNow@reddit
No, it wouldn't have made sense to try to move my mother in with me. I moved in with her when she could no longer live alone.
archedhighbrow@reddit
That's really cool to have your mom so close. I was able to be a caregiver to my mom before she needed memory care. She thinks she's on vacation.
linniex@reddit (OP)
About the memory care - are you ‘Murican? Is she self funded for that or using Medicaid? (Does Medicare cover that?)
thecoffeesquatch9930@reddit
Medicaid will cover it, if they are on Medicaid it just has to be an approved Medicaid facility if they are not on it they have to spend down their assets to get on Medicaid. So they can start at the facility and self pay and then apply to Medicaid once they get to the spend down limit.
21stNow@reddit
This varies by state. In Georgia, Medicaid for Long-term Care doesn't cover Memory Care. It only covers care in Skilled Nursing Facilities.
archedhighbrow@reddit
She is currently self-funded in America.
arieljagr@reddit
Medicare, alas, does not cover any of this. You are just starting down a journey of learning how little elder care is provided for in this country. I don’t envy you for what you are about to learn!
linniex@reddit (OP)
I figured as much. She was receiving mediCAID in her current state. Chances are she will go on mediCARE for a few years here and then switch to mediCAID if she needs it long term care because she is indigent. She will have a separate address and not be a part of our household on paper. We will be doing a qualified Medicaid spenddown of her house sale proceeds to settle her here so I’ve already spent way more time than I expected looking into all that BS. Thanks for your reply :)
jetwra@reddit
Did you have to hire an elder-attorney (not sure of the term) for all of this? I know that’s so expensive in itself.
linniex@reddit (OP)
Yes; her house closing is supposed to be the 18th of this month; she’ll be here in Florida that next week with me and we already have that appointment setup
jetwra@reddit
I wish you all the best!
MetallicaGirl73@reddit
Why doesn't she have both Medicare and Medicaid?
TheJollyHermit@reddit
It's not good at all... essentially bad and getting worse to.
jbubba29@reddit
Jesus. Your husband is old enough to be your dad. Which says all kinds of things about you.
Spiritual_Oil_7411@reddit
Says more about him, actually, 😬 if we assume they were married or dating before her brain wasn't fully formed. Youre thinking gold digger, im thinking child molester, either way, not a good situation. 🫠
jbubba29@reddit
I was thinking of all scenarios. Hence “all kinds of things”
With more info revealed, at 34, we’ve got daddy issues.
linniex@reddit (OP)
WTF people. I was 34 when I met him at 49. Freaking reddit.
Caustinot123@reddit
You sure are a bundle of judgment or rocks. I (53f) nor my husband (70m) couldn’t decide.
jbubba29@reddit
For those of you questioning 14 father, i don’t want to get into The whole “how puberty works in males” thing but…..there’s a lot of 14 year old fathers out there.
I just saw the numbers and found it odd. No judgement.
linniex@reddit (OP)
Weird! I saw your comment and found it odd - no judgement while saying “that says all kinds of things about you”. That is judgement.
jbubba29@reddit
You weren’t judged, but now you are. For being defensive.
emryldmyst@reddit
Wtf??
SnooSongs1447@reddit
A 14 year old parent happens but it’s rarely pretty. Plenty of spouses have wide variances in age. My marriage is 54 years and going strong with a 7 year age difference. I have friends, very married, with a 14 year gap and another with about 20 years. Couples of similar ages don’t always succeed in marriage.
Constant-Prog15@reddit
My MIL moved into our daylight basement, which was remodeled into a small apartment with a kitchenette. Boundaries were a huge concern for me, as I didn’t want her just popping upstairs whenever. (I wish I could say it all worked out, but she ended up passing away shortly after moving in).
Whohead12@reddit
We (48F/49M) have my mother (69) in a tiny house in the yard. It overall works well. She’s not much trouble like many parents- has never been overly opinionated or in my business. My dad was abusive and now that she’s widowed she’s just living her best little life smoking pot and visiting the goodwill to buy shit she doesn’t need.
We tried the same 13 years ago with my schizoaffective mother in law (also 69 currently- 56 at the time) to no good end. Was a nightmare because she needed 24/7 care and monitoring that we couldn’t even come close to offering.
linniex@reddit (OP)
!! This is what I hope happens!! (Her living her best life) Step dad was VERY abusive so this woman is a bundle of nerves and reactions. I just wish her some peace. My mom loves weed and goodwill so i’m hoping she leans into that.
Whohead12@reddit
LOL my mom smokes enough pot she has nothing but chill. She gets chatty but my husband smokes and he does too so I just turn them loose and do my own thing. If something happens to one of them I’m going to have to find the other a buddy so they don’t drive me bonkers. I don’t smoke and by the time I hear people all day at work I just want some quiet.
Flashy-Share8186@reddit
Nope. Right now I am helping move my mom from her assisted living place to a nursing home that provides level 2 care because we picked a place that doesn’t really do intense nursing and end of life care a few years ago. I just want to remind people that “declining” can go on for years at the bedridden, supplemental oxygen, diaper changing level before you move into “actually dying.” Moving semi-independent parents into your place means moment to moment care is going to become your life 24/7. Like having an infant or a toddler again that is not going to grow out of it.
Spiritual_Oil_7411@reddit
This. 💯 My fil wakes up several times each night and my husband is getting a feel for what it was like when I got up with 3 kids. FIL naps in his chair most of the day and is up all night, just like having a newborn.
mozzerellastewpot@reddit
My mother is at the diaper changing, sleeping for most of the day, can’t feed herself stage. My dad was trying to keep her at home and just can not anymore. She has severe dementia. I sincerely hope I die suddenly before it happens to me. It is so terrible I doubt I would live long past a diagnosis if it happens to me. Maybe I’ll be like Brad and go to Cozumel.
Lameladyy@reddit
A weekend on the Oregon coast, with a nice goodbye at the end. That’s my plan.
My mom suffered for almost a year before she passed—horrible, unrelenting pain.
My dad “died in the saddle” as they used to say, heart attack. His married girlfriend (the dude never changed, just got older) was mortified when she had to call for help and the explanation she had to give the paramedics when they arrived. At least his was quick.
Flashy-Share8186@reddit
it sucks and I’m so sorry youall are going through this!
My uncle died last year in his sleep at age 77 and it was sudden and sad and also…kind of great? I think that’s the way Id rather go.
rumblepony247@reddit
This is such an excellent description
Flashy-Share8186@reddit
I am so sad that other people recognize it.
Mjhjane77@reddit
I (48f) moved my 82 y/o mother into a senior community, that includes continental breakfast, dinner, activities and transportation to doctor appointments/library or wherever she wants to go. My mom is difficult, chronically unhappy, mean and somewhat selfish individual. I thought about going no contact and letting those cards fall where they lie. She is still a human being. My responsibility is to keep her safe and allow her to reside in the nicest facility she can afford. However, that does not entail residing with me.
GloomyCamel6050@reddit
Does she get along with the staff and other residents? At all?
This will be my mom's situation. I am not at all sure how it will go.
Mjhjane77@reddit
Not really. She has attachment issues and is not capable of reciprocal relationships. However, she does have some ladies who she visits with. Staff avoid her because she complains a lot. I have to laugh about the hot dog comment further down. My mom sold her house and has social security which will allows her to afford the current situation. However, once she spends down or needs more care, she will be on Medicaid. Like stated earlier, she will go where she can afford.
linniex@reddit (OP)
Yeah mine can’t afford a down payment on a hot dog
Beth_Pleasant@reddit
I mean, have you seen the prices of hot dogs lately???
jetwra@reddit
I’m so sorry, I feel guilty laughing at that but it cracked me up! You are fortunate you have an ADU.
Ok_Ad8249@reddit
The main thing to be concerned about is expected health decline and try to plan for it, also be ready for unexpected costs.
Years ago my mother in law had to move in with us. She'd ran out of money and couldn't pay for the facility she was living in. One of my in-laws was going to work on available aid but it would be a few months before everything would be worked out. Our sons moved into one room (thankfully they've always gotten along) and we prepared a room for my mother in law. She was on oxygen and had an oxygen machine which ran 24 hours a day. Our electric bills increased very noticeably between the machine running along with requiring more air conditioning and fans to help deal with the heat it generated. We expected additional food costs and assumed slight increases in electric and water, but electric was more like a 15% increase.
There was a definite adjustment having her around, but we got used to looking out for oxygen tubes and helping her around. Several months later the aid package come through and we were able to move her back to the facility she was from.
A few years after she had to move back in for a week due to a wildfire threatening the facility. I was aware of her health decline but fully understood how much after having her at home again. She had developed dementia which was presented challenges and we had a pretty serious issue right before she left. She also was much weaker and needed assistance moving around the house. After we were able to return her I mentioned to my wife it was a good thing that aid had come through because there would have been no way we could still care for her at our home.
16hpfan@reddit
We’re doing this in the fall! Currently adding a bedroom onto our backyard ADU so my 87 year old mom can move in and be more comfortable. She drives but not sure for how long. She’s really eager to get out of her house and we are excited to have her. I’m already driving meals over to her so things will be easier. She is lovely and so easy to get along with. I don’t think she’ll be in the main house much though - too many steps. She’s pretty wobbly on her feet these days. She’s hoping to avoid a nursing home by eventually having a home care agency drop in. She’s been paying long term care insurance forever so hopefully that will cover the expense. My husband and I are both still working.
1quirky1@reddit
It depends a lot on the parent's personality and how their relationship with their children evolved as they became adults.
My parents are just two among millions of examples ranging from wonderful to disastrous. It is very personal and individual. It is a big adjustment for everyone.
Their needing additional care complicates things. Some of us are natural caregivers, many are not. Health and finances can be complicated.
Your best approach is your own based on what you know. Honesty among everybody is crucial.
perhaps_too_emphatic@reddit
I tried to get an ADU built with this in mind but it didn’t pan out. So the kids were bumped from their room to the basement when we needed to grandpa in. It was a lot for several years, but I wouldn’t do anything different. He’s the one grandparent the kids actually knew. Having him here was a constant reminder of love and respect and taking care of those we love.
MusicalMerlin1973@reddit
Mine are across the street. Been that way 23 years. It’s been good. My in laws - pretty much one of my wife’s siblings or my wife before I met her lived at home or worst case in town since her mom had a brain operation at the end of wife’s high school years. They’re gone now.
I don’t know what happens with my mom when my dad passes. She’s already let my sister and I know she’s out of there. Playing it by ear for now.
We were contemplating having my wife’s aunt move in with us, but she had a minor stroke and went on Medicaid and in a home in Texas before we could implement. Instead of being able to keep tabs on her easily my wife had to fly down. We couldn’t afford more than once a year back then. She didn’t have kids, and was hard to get along with for many (she was always awesome to me but I never crossed her so 🤷♂️).
Looking forward to our own future, we’re hoping one or the other kid will live with us. It works if they want a family. If not we’ll downsize and get out of the hcol we’re in.
mishitea@reddit
We moved MIL in with us two years ago.
It is great because we get along and always have, she has her space, we have ours, and we have common spaces. My kids are old enough that parenting advice doesn't phase me. We've only lived here for a few years as well so moving things around doesn't bother me and she's great about always asking.
As much as I loved my own parents I couldn't have had them living with me. My housibg situation was different, my kids were younger, and there was just too much baggage between us.
One of the first things we established was the yours, mine, and ours definitions for physical space and financials.
We came up with who pays for what, house rules for guests, and chore lists. Not just for her, for all of us. My kids know that no one goes is Grandma's room without announcing yourself and being invited in, that my kids are always welcome to have friends over but they need to make sure we all know and they need to stay in the common area downstairs or the kids' bedrooms.
We have a house account for utilities. All utilities are divided into a share per person, MIL pays hers, we currently pay 4. Once my oldest is out of college, if she's still living here, she'll take over her share and I'll pay 3.
thinkshiftster@reddit
My sister and BIL moved his MIL in with them, so I get an earful about this.
Ensure that she has her own activities and friends. Otherwise, you’ll be dealing with clinginess and being her only source of social interaction.
This may be covered under boundaries, but set X # of fixed days per week for solo time for you and your husband. And another day or two for family meal(s). Setting that expectation now will create a routine that all parties will appreciate.
Also, play a card game or similar after family dinner to keep an eye on her cognitive function.
An Apple Watch or similar to detect falls works well.
It’s never too early to begin creating a plan for when she becomes incapacitated. If she doesn’t have an estate plan, then a living will/advanced directive should be done ASAP. You can find free forms online but go with a hospital form or the state bar association’s website. You will also need a power of attorney to handle her affairs upon her incapacitation.
linniex@reddit (OP)
Good stuff thank you ; i hate my Apple Watch so now at least I can give it to her and not have to worry about not using it :)
thinkshiftster@reddit
Glad that will work out for you. I hope this is a smooth transition for all of you!
BeepoZbuttbanger@reddit
My wife spend two days a week at her mother’s house to help manage her dementia. So far, she’s still able to live relatively independently. We also have visiting angels four other days a week to help out. We’re really just riding this period out until she declines so far as to need round the clock monitoring. Not sure what will happen at that point.
My parents retired to a very rural area two hours away with limited medical and transportation options, and have spent the last 30 years with a single hobby…..doctors. I do my best to outfit them with things they need, but constantly have to refocus them on actual facts as opposed to their feelings. They behave as passengers for their myriad medical issues, argue with the medical professionals, waste everybody’s time, and are frequent flyers at the local emergency room and ambulance services. The latest example is from this weekend where my father (a fall hazard) once again fell in the bedroom and hit his head on a glass/wood curio cabinet. My suggestion they remove the cabinet from the bedroom, where many of his accidents happen, was met with “I can’t, we have things of sentimental value in there” so rather than take any responsibility for the dangers they are putting themselves in, they instead bemoan their situation to anybody that will listen—to the detriment of any stranger that happens to ask how their day has been. They refuse to talk about assisted living and my father almost got kicked out of the nearest rehab hospital for noncompliance during a recent stay following surgery.
If this sounds like a rant it’s because I’m tired, boss.
linniex@reddit (OP)
I hear you my friend. The emergency room is a concern for me too; my mother dealt with my stepfathers throat cancer by taking him back and forth to the hospital when he wouldnt go to the primary care. The ER here is MUCH further away and the chances of getting an ambulance within a half hour are not great. Rant all you want!
AdventurousPound3688@reddit
We actually bought a house last year with the intention of moving my parents in, when they're ready, but the buyers of our house walked on us the last week before closing and the whole deal fell apart. We're in the #1 school district in the state but they drug it out until after school had started, so that really screwed us. Anyway, it's a different market this year, different world. We could make do with our current house if we install a chair lift. I just know my parents would be embarrassed with the chair lift.
linniex@reddit (OP)
Oh man I’m trying to sell my moms house and its a piece of crap (stepasshole didn’t change or fix a thing a damn thing in 25 years); she is taking a bath on it. her house is in a coastal vacation area and next door sold for $450K last year. She is now down to $275K since its so shitty and chances are we are going to have to give even more concessions and will likely walk away with $225k if we are lucky (after we pay off her mortgage, and liens it will be closer to 100K). Not to mention the buyer is trying to use an FHA loan so i have NO idea how that is going to go through. It’s a big “wait now hurry up” scenario for sure.
I say all of that to say YES, the market is waaaaay different than last year.
Marigold1976@reddit
It sounds like you have a good plan in place. We were not able to do what you are doing, and our mom didn’t want to move in with any of us anyway. She was very independent. By the time she could no longer live alone, her mobility declined so rapidly that she required more care than any of us had the capacity or expertise to provide. Luckily, she was able to afford a wonderful assisted living facility. We kept up a robust visit schedule, but it was still tough. Elder care is a full time job. Make sure you have a plan in place for when your mom may need more care than you can provide.
ReactionAgreeable740@reddit
We have an ADU at the back of our property. My MIL lives there and it works because firm boundaries were put in place BEFORE she loved in.
CompleteService8593@reddit
MIL (95) has been living with us for four years. It’s not for the weak and I wouldn’t do it again because care is 24/7. Luckily, her mind is there, but body is worn out.
House_Junkie@reddit
Not yet but would gladly move my in-laws in with us whenever they want. Two of the best people I’ve ever met and if I can help make their life more comfortable at the end I wouldn’t think twice.
My own parents though, no way.
Dogyears69@reddit
My MIL lives with us. It is the best. We have two primary bedrooms and we get along well. My kids have the largest benefit as she takes great care of them. Also, I think this is the way it always should have been with families historically. They get a lot of perspective from multi generational experiences
linniex@reddit (OP)
I’m child free and we love it like that, i kinda feel like I’m going to be raising a child in reverse when she get here
Affectionate-Tank-70@reddit
We moved my MIL(80) into our guest cottage. Shes happy as can be.
Its very helpful that she isnt living in our house with us. The cottage is like a mini apartment except she has no actual kitchen.
My boyfriend is incredibly happy to have her here and I am happy hes happy. I'm retired so I'm here if she needs anything or has an emergency. Overall shes takes care of herself. She still drives and loves to shop. Lol
Diasies_inMyHair@reddit
My MiL lived with us for the last year of her life. Dementia, Stage 6 and declining when a stroke sent her to a rehab facility. She went into hospice from there.
My Mom lives in a Mother-In-Law cottage behind my sibling's house. They bought the property together, and honestly, it is the best thing they could have done. As her health is declining, they are right there to check in on her every day and to do the things she can no longer do for herself.
ChickenFried88@reddit
We are looking at purchasing a new property that has a separate living space for my father. I’m happy to see this as it validates that we are making the right choice. For us it is similar. He can still live on his own, but it gives us a much better opportunity to spot health issues if he lives next to us and also keeps him from being lonely. I look forward to daily morning coffee chats and family dinners again, also.
Diasies_inMyHair@reddit
I wish we had been able to set things up like this for my In-Laws. Plans were in the works, but we ran out of time. It is Good that you are setting up early. It will make life so much easier down the road.
ku_78@reddit
Yes. Just bought and modified a house so that my 89 year old MIL could live with us. She gets a mini suite and a TV room. We ripped out her tub/shower and put in a walk-in shower with grab bars. She’s very happy.
rumblepony247@reddit
My terribly toxic, needy, selfish father (91) is somehow still an incredibly unnecessary burden (due to his behavior) on myself and my sister, even though he is in a very nice assisted living facility. This weekend my other sister flew in on 6 hours notice, from 1500 miles away, because a shitstorm developed that was overwhelming us other two siblings.
So, even with being in assisted living with a whole staff there to serve his needs, us three adults with our own lives to manage, had to drop everything for 72 hours.
I can't even imagine him living on one of his kids' properties and direct caretaking/interaction being involved. I'm not joking when I say that would cause a minimum of one suicide attempt.
Fucking nightmare.
grandma-activities@reddit
I did the reverse; I moved into my mom's house. Going from a condo in the city to a house in the suburbs was a change for sure, but it's been a good one.
The discussion about boundaries will happen again and again. You'll find new ones and let go of others. And I don't know what level of care your mom needs, but there's a balancing act between doing things for her and preserving her independence. Introduce her to the neighbors. It sounds like you already get along with your mom; just cherish the time you get to spend with her. And overall, be patient with each other.
If you ARE doing any caregiving, join us over on r/CaregiverSupport. It's a great little community!
GTFU-Already@reddit
You need to have that discussion of boundaries way before the move in. Not after.
Pheighthe@reddit
Tip: make sure she knows exactly what rooms are theirs and have decided which furniture to leave behind. Have a conversation about what she’s going to do with her sideboard that holds china for 24. She might say, “Well, I’m just going to give it to you for your dining room, all you have is that sad computer desk in there.”
This may lead to her saying of course she can’t get rid of that sideboard! It’s oak and was her mother’s/expensive/better than your furniture choices.
I don’t want to be a downer, just be sure she’s downsized before moving day and doesn’t think she’s going to redecorate your house, AND slip in to your patio for coffee every morning at 5 A.M.
linniex@reddit (OP)
LMAO! Part of the house sale contingency is that the buyer will remove all the furniture, etc. She was broke her whole life so there is nothing monumental in there; we are using my 8ft truck with a capper to move her from NJ to FL. If it dont fit it dont come! She is fine with that. Like, she is going to leave her extra clothes she is not taking for the buyer and thinks she is doing them a favor for some reason. She is actually moving into a small camper with a kitchen first while we order the ADU. And I’d be SHOCKED if she starts getting up early! But , we live on a farm and we are up by 5-6am every day. Fun times ahead! Thanks for sharing
gldngrlee@reddit
Where are you ordering the ADU from?
linniex@reddit (OP)
I’m *trying* to get a “TruHome Buttercup” for her but the dealers in my area are being much slower to get me info than I want. There is also a “ScotBilt Amelia” that would work too, but it’s likely more expensive. I’m somewhat really disappointed in the level of service I’m getting trying to spend a few dozen grand but i guess it’s par for the course lately. So to answer your question, I’m not sure yet.
froction@reddit
I love both of my parents immensely, but I am extremely grateful that they have the resources to live wherever they want no matter what their eventual needs are because one of us would absolutely murder the other if we had to live together.
Beth_Pleasant@reddit
This is definitely my situation as well. We can only take each other in small doses.
D05wtt@reddit
Yep, I live with my 93yo parents.
Informal-Name3181@reddit
We moved in with my mom after my dad died. The first couple years of adjusting were very hard. We have radically different ideas of clean.
We built an apartment across the driveway. Now I have the big house with my son. My mom has her own apartment. We are each in charge of one side of the driveway. It's working better now.
Background_Dog927@reddit
We moved in with my MIL after my FIL died. She bought a new house to accommodate us all (hubs, me, two preschoolers), but unfortunately nothing with n adu design was on the market at the time. Wildly different ideas of clean, and general food handling standards are my two greatest rub points. Separate spaces if you can!!
GenralChaos@reddit
When my kids were born, they were almost 3 months premie. My wife was on bed rest for a month before that. My MIL mostly moved in to help with her. She was the nicest lady I ever knew. She stayed after the kids were born because of how fragile everyone was. She helped with them and basically lived with us for almost 7 years. She had cancer and the last years we were helping take care of her. Very few days go by where I don’t think about her.
anillop@reddit
It really all comes down to how nice they are and how respectful they are of their place in your family and household. If the new relationship benefits, everyone’s quality of life then it can be a wonderful thing.
mazerbrown@reddit
Moved states and had to move in with my mom and dad while we job/apartment hunted. Was supposed to be 6 months. Then my dad died and the rent skyrocketed. Mom has a 5 bedroom and didn't want to move so we just decided to stay. I swallowed my pride and play nice because there is no way I could give my kids this situation on my own but I've lost all atonomy and it's harder to parent with her around also putting her oar in. I also WFH... yeah. There will be no boundaries. She 'knows' to leave me alone but it's constant... 'I can't do this', 'can you fix this', 'I need this', and the neighbors she offers my IT services too as well... It's a lot. It will help she has her own space and you own your space.
linniex@reddit (OP)
LMAO about the IT work!!! My mom put me on the phone with her neighbor last month to fix HIS WiFi. Apparently she had been connecting to the neighbors WiFi and his went down, yadda yadda yadda. Had to point out she pays for her own internet and has her own WiFi network. I swear doing tech support for boomers is going to be the end of me. JUST SAVE YOUR DAMN PASSWORDS ITS NOT HARD.
Droll_hrlady888@reddit
You have my sympathies. I’m afraid this is how my mom would be.
beneficialmirror13@reddit
I won't live with my dad likely ever as it was stressful living with him when I was a teen. My mom has passed and he's not yet 70 and is fully competent. Hopefully he'll continue to be so.
Tokogogoloshe@reddit
No way. Why would I let the person who physically hurt me more than everyone else combined when I was growing up into my house. It hurts me more than it hurts you dad, but no.
past-and-future-days@reddit
As someone burdened with taking care of an emotionally abusive parent, you honestly made the right decision. I wish I could wash my hands of it, but it is what it is. People reap what they sow.
froction@reddit
I've never heard the term ADU, but "accessory dwelling unit in our yard" gives me the mental image of one of those sheds they have in front of Home Depot.
linniex@reddit (OP)
That was an option till my city said “NOPE”. I’m looking at a modular or a manufactured home now; a stick frame house is out of her price range.
spintool1995@reddit
My ADU is 1200 sqft 3BR/2BA with a big porch.
Bright_Broccoli1844@reddit
I have heard ADU used in Chicago, but I didn't know what the letters stood for. I am thinking of a she shed now.
TheOtherElbieKay@reddit
I am unable to relax around my parents so I cannot live with them.
Pheighthe@reddit
If my parents moved in with me I’d be so tempted to check if they finished their plates after dinner each night and spank them and send them to bed if they didn’t. They’re too old to spank, so I’d have to just let the food sit there overnight and tell them if they’re hungry for breakfast, there it is.
Recent-Potential1144@reddit
This is funny. I know you don’t mean it really 😁
TheOtherElbieKay@reddit
I just don’t want to have to listen to all the predictable opinions on repeat.
ExtremeCod2999@reddit
You don't have to use fancy words, you can just say "shed"😎
linniex@reddit (OP)
You joke but that has been floated as an option; the issue is the permitting of course; you cant have a shed be a permanent residence.
GlobalTapeHead@reddit
My MIL moved in with us when she was 75 and lost her house due to her financial irresponsibility. Our spare bedroom and my tv room became the mother in law suite.
It’s been a nightmare. I can accept some blame because I guess I just didn’t think things through. There were no boundaries established in the beginning. For starters, what was she going to do with all of her junk? Apparently just take over my house with it. Then there is the fact that she treats the house as if it were her own. Plants go where she wants them to go. Lights that she wants off, she turns off. She stays up until 1 AM blasting the TV while others are trying to sleep. She digs holes in my backyard to plant a plant where I was planning to put rocks or a water feature, she doesn’t ask permission beforehand, and then she cries and pitches a fit like a little child when I tell her the plant has to move. She feeds our dog table scraps that he is not allowed to have because of his allergies which then results in vet visits. There are incidents like this every single week. She is literally like a four year-old child that I cannot discipline.
So here we are, 14 years after she moved in, and I want to downsize the house and don’t know what to do with her. On the bright side I have been able to get six rooms full of her junk culled down to just three rooms full.
Bright_Broccoli1844@reddit
Sounds horrible.
Lickford@reddit
My MIL died 10 years ago and I still have a full garage of her stuff.
Necessary_Echo_8177@reddit
Mom passed in 2016. Looking back dad started to show cognitive decline a few years later. He kept saying he was going to come spend winters with me in the south because he was tired of the cold winters up north. I started looking at houses with in law apartments and actually bought a house with a bed/bath on the first floor that could accommodate him around the time he got his dementia diagnosis, sold his house, and moved into independent living. Further decline has caused him to move to assisted living. My sibling is his main caretaker, no one comes to visit so I have to go see all of them. Have managed to declutter with each move though.
past-and-future-days@reddit
My folks are both, unfortunately, toxic as hell. My mother moreso than my stepfather--he's in his 90s, and spends 90% of his day sleeping or reading. I told my mother a long time ago that she will never, ever live with me (I still have regular nightmares about being forced to live under the same roof as her), but that I will help her make other accomodations.
About 8 years ago we moved them into a mobile home park near us, and have been helping with their regular upkeep. Until recently they've been mostly independent, but those days are coming to an end faster than I'd like.
I actually plan to sit down today and see what other options there are for them, although they really don't have any money or assets, other than the (mobile) home. They don't even own the land.
Shit's rough, man.
I-used2B-a-Valkyrie@reddit
We have not. Yet. My folks live 10 hours away and it will probably never happen because reasons. My in-laws all live 7 minutes from us. His parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins — almost the entire clan. The family is very close knit and usually very respectful of boundaries, which is why it’s worked well like this for generations. When they can no longer care for themselves, there’s a ridiculously expensive home here - it’s basically a cruise ship on land - that they can go to. For now, my husband’s remaining two grandparents (divorced) live in their own homes with caretakers and the whole family taking turns helping out. I bring food and drive to appointments when I can. Mostly hubby’s parents do the lion’s share. They plan to do the same when they get to that point, at which time we will help out daily and hire live-in help for them.
That said, we are converting the basement into a separate 2bedroom-1bath apartment (without a kitchen though) just in case. MIL is picking out flooring with me today, she’s very involved. I love my in-laws, they’re kind and generous and very respectful of boundaries. I told my husband not to even ask, it’s just a “yes” if they ever needed to live with us. Honestly I’d even change their diapers without complaint.
But my parents? They’ve got enough money to figure it out. I was unwelcome in their home growing up, they won’t be welcome in mine growing old. We reap what we sow. 🤷🏻♀️
Bob_12_Pack@reddit
My MIL passed away 2 weeks ago, she lived in our ADU for 18 years. My mom also lived with us (we have 2 ADUs) for 9 years before she passed in 2014. This is the first time in 21 years that we haven’t had a parent living with us, both required daily care in their later years. My wife is going through a range of emotions, best described as “grelief”.
In the beginning it was a positive thing, having them around while we raised our 6 children, they would often help, and they were still independent. When mom got sick (pulmonary hypertension) things went south and she deteriorated rather quickly and passed within 2 years of diagnosis at the age of 67. My MIL lived to be 80 and with her mental issues… I’ll just say it was rough at times.
firewifegirlmom0124@reddit
My 73yo mother moved in with my family last October.
SMA949@reddit
I’m in the process of selling my home to move back to my hometown to be near my mom. We aren’t at a point where we need to live with her but the plan is if she ever does we will move her in with us. She is fairly respectful of boundaries already so I think it will be ok but we have no plans to move her in unless absolutely necessary. This had been the plan for a while in my head and we are now moving oh phase 1. I get along pretty well with my mom but after a bit she will get on my nerves but a sacrifice we will make because the nursing homes in her town are horrible and the reason my dad passed probably a little sooner than he would have. Logistically and financially there are reasons that we are moving there as opposed to moving her to where we live.
Full_Security7780@reddit
My ex-in-laws did this with one set of their parents. The parents used what little money they had to build an ADU on the in-law’s property. It didn’t go well and when the in-laws decided to sell out and moved it caused even more issues over who got how much money from the proceeds of the sale.
I’m not saying it couldn’t be wonderful for everyone involved, I’m just saying it can get complicated.
Emotional-Finish-648@reddit
My mom (82) moved in with my sister and her family in an ADU they built on the side of her house. It’s going well!
ponyboycurtis1980@reddit
I had a 21 year old at home with a part time job and starting community college at the same time my mom was diagnosed with her 2nd cancer. (Surgeries and chemo have been very effective). At the same time my wife and I were shopping for an investment property. Now my son and my mom are roommates in a cozy little duplex about 4 miles from me. She kept her independence and enough space to have a crafting room and her full kitchen, my sons has a place that isn’t under his folks and I know there is a capable adult in the home with her if she has an emergency. It means my investment property is costing me money, but I can (mostly) afford it and having my mom closer and my son slightly further away was a triple win.
Midnight_Cowboy-486@reddit
We did share a fence line with my in-laws, but there is absolutely no way they were ever moving in.
TheBugsMomma@reddit
My mom lives with us. We have a basement apartment with its own kitchen and laundry, so she’s got everything she needs. She’s 77 and thankfully in decent health. This arrangement works very well for us.
linniex@reddit (OP)
Curious how you al work out the meals; do you have a day where you eat together ? Does she just walk into your house? How often is she there with you? Thank you so much :)
BeholdBarrenFields@reddit
I did the same thing after my dad died. Turned the basement into an apartment for mom. We could go for days without seeing each other since we had separate entrances, and our own kitchen and laundry. But if she fell and couldn’t get up or was confused about how to do something, all I had to do was go downstairs to help!
It was actually such a relief in not having to worry about her, but also so much easier to take care of her without the commute to her condo.
We sometimes ate dinner together, or breakfast on my deck or her patio, but mostly we treated the upstairs and downstairs as separate homes. This helped keep the peace, because we did have a close relationship but there was a lot of history. Ha.
But we did have growing pains in the beginning where I had to set boundaries and then hold them firm. I would come home to find she’d come upstairs to eat my ice cream. One time early on she came and nosed around in my bedroom and bathroom! I let her know right quick that she was going to find some things she didn’t want to see! So yes, I had to set and keep firm boundaries, and sometimes I couldn’t be nice about it.
This would be harder for your setup if she doesn’t have a little kitchenette and laundry option and you have to share those spaces, but is still doable. Patient but consistent is the way to go.
I am forever grateful that her last five years were spent here with me.
TheBugsMomma@reddit
We occasionally invite her to eat dinner with us but she cooks for herself, otherwise. She’s a bit picky so we are often eating stuff she doesn’t care for. When she comes upstairs into our part of the house from her apartment, she always knocks on the door into our kitchen and calls out, just to make sure she isn’t coming in at a bad time. I do the same when going downstairs into her space. We do take her out to eat or on an outing once or twice a month to get her out of the house but she’s always been a homebody and doesn’t expect us to entertain her.
linniex@reddit (OP)
Thank you! 🙏
karmadoesntwait@reddit
Been there, done that, don't recommend.
FormCheck655321@reddit
It’s going to get to a point where they will be too much for you to handle yourself. They will need to go to assisted living. Plan accordingly.
Momo222811@reddit
I lucked out, both my parents and my MIL moved to a 55+ community 5 minutes from my house. We were able to help out easily and both sets were still able to drive and were moderately independent. Quite frankly, I wouldn't be able to have either of the moms live with me full time. Both were very stubborn and set in their ways with very little give, so I was happy that they were able to live comfortably in their own homes albeit with help until the end. My family and my in laws made every effort to keep them that way and they were grateful.
PurplePenguinCat@reddit
My mom lives in a converted carriage house on our property. It wasn't due to poor health, but she's 70 and her health will decline eventually.
It has many advantages. This past winter, she was in the hospital for two weeks. I took care of her cats and being able to just walk next door to do it was amazing, rather than having to drive anywhere. A few weeks ago, I had a terrible case of food poisoning. She came over and helped with laundry and cooking for my family. Plus, we have a large garden that we both work. If I was here alone, it would not be so big. It helps her out because she's on a fixed income and has no housing payment or utilities.
There are downsides, though. Mostly that she frequently pops over. I'm someone who can happily spend the entire day alone. My mom needs more human contact. I have struggled with setting boundaries with her, but I'm working on it in therapy. I try very hard to contain my frustration and appreciate having the time with her because there will come a point when she won't be popping over and I will miss it.
Don't focus too much on the downsides that I'm experiencing. She and I don't have the most traditional relationship. I think we'd be considered enmeshed, though no one has used that word directly.
In the big picture, having my mom here is great. And I hope you enjoy having your mom with you!
Happy-Bluejay-3849@reddit
Being that close is a huge advantage. My mom needed several short stays in the hospital and several months-long stays in skilled nursing. Driving a half hour every day or two to her house to take care of her cats (got an automated feeder and a big water fountain for them) and dealing with leaky plumbing, boiler issues and the usual problems old houses have was so draining.
linniex@reddit (OP)
Thank you for this!! I’m worried about the frequent ‘pop ins’ as well. Where we live is very rural; it’s been about three weeks since I’ve actually gone anywhere. I’m hoping that she and I can spend 2-3 days/nights together and then she just kinda does her own thing. Wish me luck!! Glad it worked out for you! Have a great day and thank you for your reply!
MaelstromFL@reddit
They are doing just fine on the mantle... 🤣
Think-Rush8206@reddit
Mine are on a shelf in the basement. 😆
LynnBarr123@reddit
I had to laugh at this. My husband's parents are in our china cabinet. My husband and I get along great but every time we good-naturedly squabble, one of us says "Be Nice!! Mom and Dad are watching!" Believe me, they would think this was funny too.
championgoober@reddit
Mine are also gone and are near each other on a shelf. Which is sorta funny because they divorced before 1980 and maybe had one conversation betwen then and the mid 90s.
I'm not so sure they would be pleased with this haaaa. Oh well, my decision. Lost my mom in 2022 and my dad in 2024. Still attempting to navigate my dad's death. Hope to get there.
420EdibleQueen@reddit
Nope and not going to. My dad is health issues that are beyond my capabilities so if was just him I would find a nice facility to care for him where I could be there a lot. However mom is still kicking as well. She refuses to consider a facility for dad even though she struggles yo the point where my sister called her doctor for advice on how to handle it, and the doctor called Adult Protective Services. They went in, made appointments, got him to doctors that mom insisted he wouldn’t go to, and they’re monitoring the situation.
Mom is a completely toxic narcissistic individual and if it wasn’t for dad I’d be completely no contact with her. She’s been trying to get me to move back to the area since my husband passed, and since I’ve become disabled has pushed harder that it would benefit us all financially if I moved in with her and dad. No thanks. I’ve had the last few years of therapy for various things realizing just how bad things were living with her and unraveling that mess in my head.
Das_Rote_Han@reddit
Boundaries are a challenge. As folks age their ability to adhere to boundaries goes out the window for some reason. In-laws moved in with us in 2011. Idea was for 18 months or so for them to find their own place. After 5 years and they were still there I said we should look for a different house that accommodates them better. Their own bathroom and living room for starters. We moved in 2018.
MIL has regressed to getting in my wife's business, being judgmental, annoyed when my wife isn't ready to go to the store when she is, and between her and my FIL anything that is unpleasant AND deals with technology requires our immediate assistance.
MIL also buys gifts to replace items she doesn't like in the house. Like plant stands, plant pots, decorative pillows. artwork or coffee pot. So wife feels obligated to make the swap even if she likes what we have today. On the plus side they help with cooking and put money toward groceries. Pay for their own car and cell phones. I do have to keep TV service as they really want live TV as well as the streaming options.
Wife will miss them when they are gone but they do get after each other sometimes. You at least have the benefit of a separate dwelling. Can retreat to your own spaces.
draggar@reddit
We did the opposite. After my MIL passed away my wife and I moved in with her father to help take care of him and the house. It's been hard.
My wife sold her house and is living partially retired now (good market), but she's helping out with the grandkids. I'm still working FT.
As I said, it's been hard, packing everything up and moving, having to find a place so I can work from home when needed, the adjustment of everything.
RoyalPuzzleheaded259@reddit
We tried to move my in-laws in but they refused. I don’t really want to live with them but it would make a lot of stuff so much easier without the 6 hour round trip drive between our houses.
Dangerous-Art-Me@reddit
Mom passed in 2019. Dad (85) is living in assisted living now.
Awkward-Actuator-596@reddit
Went through this awhile ago, both my parents were silent generation. They had stories within 6 months of each other. I was still working full time and had kids in middle school when they moved in. It was absolutely nuts…DO NOT RECOMMEND!
They also eventually passed within 6 months of each other. At one point I had every angry teenager’s dream. Dad in hospice care in the dining room and mom locked up in a mental health facility (not memory care geriatric psych)
Throwing this in because like some of genX I recognize that my parents should never have had children or been around them for that matter.
That said last night my son and I were having the conversation - when the time comes they are to leave my gun on the nightstand. Although he has pipe dreams of me coming to him there is no way. I love them to much to put them through that.
Luvtrouble@reddit
My husband passed over 4 years ago, my Mom and Dad were living a half mile from me in a 4500 square foot house. It became way too much for them to handle so they moved in with me 2 years ago. I’m 62 and they’re both 80.
It has absolutely been the best decision ever. I can travel whenever I want and not have to worry about my kitty.
They are paying all of the monthly bills except for the homeowner insurance and taxes.
We are in the process now of selling their house. It’s really worked out great so far and the plus is that Mom is a great cook. 😁
newwriter365@reddit
Absolutely not. My remaining parent is a joy vampire and I moved away from them as soon as I got the courage to do so.
They are cheerfully spending down the retirement assets they accrued leveraging child labor (mine and my siblings), and I am quietly existing in a peaceful state, refusing to support that succubus ever again.
Better_Resort1171@reddit
Same. Birther, last remaining parent, can die in her own sorrow.
plnnyOfallOFit@reddit
offered wife's dad to live w us, but boomer said sez he still wanted to go to concerts & make marijuana salves w his buddies in the city 🤣
linniex@reddit (OP)
I got an idea let’s introduce your dad to my mom!
Fannnybaws@reddit
Top man!
PrairieGrrl5263@reddit
I live next door to my mother, and in many ways it's similar to living on one property. The biggest pro-tip I can offer for living peacefully weigh your parent is CLEAR BOUNDARIES. Mom is naturally most and sometimes pretty blunt. I have to stay ready to defend my boundaries and push back against violations. She also has a list of items she'd like to have done around her place that is basically infinite. My partner and I aren't her volunteer work force; we had to draw some lines about what we are and aren't willing or able to do.
Nervous-Rooster7760@reddit
Hard pass. They need to be in assisted living for next move and I still work full time. They have resources to take care of themselves properly. I have offered to help clear out the house. I barely can stand visiting let alone living with them.
Brownie-0109@reddit
Very expensive
Nervous-Rooster7760@reddit
Yes and the thankfully they saved well and Dad was physician. They have means.
linniex@reddit (OP)
Mines the opposite, been on welfare her whole life. Trying to get her out of that mindset is one of the things I’m trying to work on with her - my husband and I haven’t taken a dime from the government (generally speaking) since we where 18.
Nickey_Pacific@reddit
My husband and I (both 54) have talked to my parents (84 & 85) about an eventual move. I'm the youngest of three and am the most flexible with time/space. Our current home would work with the exception of stairs, as mom doesn't navigate them well these days.
We have discussed selling and purchasing something more accessible. Things are ok right now but I could see that changing quickly. We are making moves to be in the position to do this if or when it's needed.
zappyface1@reddit
My mom just moved into an assisted living facility. I am not close with my mom, never been so I wouldn’t be comfortable living with her. I do love her but I just can’t take her constantly telling me how much of a disappointment I am. I am the black sheep of the family because I live my life on my own terms. Now if my MIL was to need assistance then she would move in with me.
THC_Dude_Abides@reddit
Yes. For the most part it was a positive experience. It made my wife very happy to have her Mom taken care of.
Mor_Ericks28@reddit
The same thing they did with us: ignore, neglect, take credit for any good we have done.
ejly@reddit
I’m bracing for this now. Mom had a surgery in March and her recovery isn’t going well. Dad is early stage dementia and tries so hard to do the right things but it’s hard for him. I’m at their house at least 3-4 days a week, after work some days and on weekends. I brought up yesterday to mom that she needs to decide what she wants to do because we’re barely scraping by this way. The most obvious option is to make some modifications at my house, and they move in, but she’s hesitant even though many times she’s told me that’s what should have happened with my grandma. We’ll see I guess. Until then I’m stretched thin.
notguiltybrewing@reddit
Yes, but only after their health had deteriorated to the point that it was move in with me or move into a nursing home. I don't have any words of wisdom for op. It gets tough as health fails. Hopefully, you won't be there anytime soon.
MusicUpbeat2510@reddit
Gen X when mom is 55?
SGFCardenales@reddit
Reread ot
Cool-Field2450@reddit
I did many times trying to figure it out. Very confusing
Cool-Field2450@reddit
Yes, very confusing
daniellespannini@reddit
Not in a million years.
Sufficient_Stop8381@reddit
ThatOldG@reddit
Yeah we have an in-law apartment in the basement where my FIL lives. It’s a one bedroom one bath with kitchen and he has a garage down there.
Brownie-0109@reddit
We took in my grandmother when I was in my teens. Five(5) of us lived in a duplex of probably 1500 sq ft.
You do what you gotta do
TheJollyHermit@reddit
We moved my wife's folks into our house a decade ago. We had bought the house with that in mind. Her father passed away several years back and her mother started to decline physically and mentally. She was already almost chair bound, very obese, and her dementia was getting very bad. We moved her into a nicer home with memory care and it went very well at first. Made new friends, was more optimistic, still had bad episodes.
Her first medical issue requiring hospitalization was the start or a rapid decline to the end. She fell during recovery and never walked again. She was bed bound, got a couple of UTIs (it's insane how bad those can be for the ederly) and her mental decline rapidly continued. It got to the point she stayed under the covers and became a nightmare to us and staff when we visited. She passed after a couple of months.
We may move my dad in eventually though he's still healthy enough and independent and much more independent
Temporary_Lab_3964@reddit
We haven’t had to do this yet but me and my husband have already had the conversation.
linniex@reddit (OP)
Thank you; I’ve been telling my husband that the other shoe was going to drop on my parental situation since we met 20 years ago. Stepasshole died last year so I knew it was coming. Thankfully hubby has stepped up a little to help make some of the decisions but I feel like I’m poking a bear whenever I bring it up. I’m about to go pick her up in three weeks so I’m kinda freaking out now that it’s about to happen!
MeatofKings@reddit
We talked about it previously as well. I brought it up as my folks are no longer with us. FIL (90) just passed and I strongly suspect MIL (85) will want to live at least part time with us. Winters are harsh where she lives but mild for us. I’m okay with part time, but I told my wife we would need to move to a place with an in-law suite for full time. Developing…
Coffeeyespleeez@reddit
Yes. It was rough. I was glad for my commute and my 55 hour a week job.
KristiLynn629@reddit
We combined households about two years ago. We sold our home, my mom sold hers and we bought a house together that works for everyone. She has her space, we have ours and there is a shared communal space. So far so good.
verdant-forest-123@reddit
We (I'm 53, my wife is 48) moved my inlaws into our basement 12 years ago. They have an apartment with their own entrance. We established boundaries and ground rules, and it's been a mostly enjoyable time. Why did we do it? TBH, it was mostly for our son's benefit (he's now 13 [we got a late start]). My MIL (73) retired so she could babysit, and in the mornings for close to a year, she traveled to our house or my wife took our son to their house. They decided to move closer to us, as they were almost 30 minutes away. With my wife being an only child, it just made sense for them to take up residence with us. We only had to make a couple of modifications to the basement to make it perfect for them. My son gets to see his grandparents daily, for the most part. My retired FIL (74) enjoys taking care of the yard and landscaping, which helps me out tremendously. We help them out with things, too: there's a balance, and it varies as to who's getting the most benefit from the arrangement.
overmonk@reddit
Both of my fathers have passed and either of my Moms would be welcome with open arms for the duration of their lives. We have a spare bedroom and a second bathroom. I work from home so there will be noise/activity blackouts and you have to park on the street. Let me know if you need anything. No you can’t drive the Miata.
No_File1836@reddit
My late mother lived in my brother’s house for the last 5 years of her life. My sister in law and niece helped her as she needed.
Braqsus@reddit
Does putting their urns on the mantle count?
Machinebuzz@reddit
Not a chance in hell.